Valentines day proposal

[JimDiamond]

I think everyone has had a lot of useful things to say here and I think it will help far more people than ScoutZor alone. The overwhelming consenus is that ScoutZor would be best served by taking his time. After all, in the race of life the winner is the one that takes his time, has fun and finishes last, not first.

With regard to my last post (about fear and doubt):

I don''t know if I expressed it as well as I would like. I was kind of rushed. I should mention though, it''s not my theory. I''m recounting what I''ve read in books written by marriage and family therapists. It should be noted that sometimes fear and doubt are telling you to run in any relationship and that may be the very best thing to do. Sometimes running is the right thing to do and we don''t listen to ourselves. But sometimes the opposite is true. Sometimes people run from a good relationship because they think that they are NEVER supposed to have any doubts. That''s simply not true. What I''m talking about (recounting from the experts through the lens of my own experience this past year) are feelings that any person may have even though their relationship is very successful. The point that the therapists make is that often times people THINK that they are never supposed to have any doubts about their bf/gf or husband/ wife. They experts say that at one time or another EVERYONE has doubts and it doesn''t necessarily mean that your relationship is bad or in trouble. They tell people this so that they can confort their fears in a constructive way and examine whether the pros outweigh the cons.

 

[blueroses]

I haven''t responded to this thread at all, though I''ve been following it. Just thought I''d throw this in, as it was my grandmother''s favorite saying:

"Nothing good happens fast."

Perhaps a generalization, but in my experience, a little time for things to marinate is not a bad thing.

 

[cubby08]

scoutZor -

I accidentally stumbled onto this thread and just wanted to throw in my thoughts. I''m certainly not here to change your mind and I''m sure no one on here could do so.

I honestly hope your promise/engagement works out as planned, and that you''ll get married and have a wonderful relationship until you''re a hundred.

For me, things didn''t work out as I planned with my first girlfriend of almost 3 years. This was back in college. I really did think we would end up together forever. I''m currently seeing another girl who I''ve been with for about a year now and I feel the same way again. I feel reallly good about this relationship and so I''ve been lurking in these forums reading rockytalky and thinking about a proposal. My girlfriend will be moving in with me in about six months and I''d like us to live together for a bit before I propose. (After talking to various people and thinking about it, I personally think living together before marriage makes a lot of sense and makes it more likely things will work out - Just my opinion)

Of course, there are a lot of practical concerns on my mind. I''m currently in medical school and have a large student loan debt burden. She went to work after she finished college and may get an MBA in a few years. If you couldn''t tell, we''re from Chicago and I''m also thinking about where I''ll do my residency program. I may end up here or on one of the coasts. Her line of work limits her to a few major cities. Things seem to get infinitely more complicated every year.

It sounds like you''ve thought extensively about your lives together and some of the practical aspects of it. People have pointed out that there are things you haven''t considered and they''re right. That''s just a result of having less life experience.

I think the difficulty of accepting advice from people here is not because we''re mostly strangers. Rather, it''s hard to take anyone''s advice to heart when it conflicts with your own, whether its coming from a good friend, a family member, or a random forum member. And if the advice matches your own thoughts, then you embrace it, regardless of whom it''s from.

So, I''m not here to give you advice. I just have some questions/thoughts. Maybe you''ll think a bit about the answers. As others have basically asked: Why now? "Because you love her." We know that - do you have any other reasons. Can you articulate anything else besides this? It''s perfectly fine if that''s enough for you, but I would be interested in an honest answer to Why now?

My other thought is that a big reason it''s easy to dismiss other people''s experiences is that we all think we''re different. Well he may have done this or experienced that but I''m different. People don''t understand what I''m going through. That''s why I''m not asking you to think about my experiences. If you can, however, try thinking about a couple of different scenarios: 1) You are somewhere in the middle of high school now. What was important to you when you first started high school? What about earlier like middle school? If you think I''m trying to get you to recognize the ways in which you''ve changed, you''re right. But I don''t know how you are now or how you used to be so I''m not trying to steer you towards any particular conclusion. 2) If you had someone younger than you, say 13 come to you and say exactly the same things you''ve said and they wanted your advice, what would your response be? Let''s say they wanted to get engaged and then get married in six years at the age of 19. Maybe you would encourage them. If so, why? If not why?

I hope everything works out well on Valentine''s day. It would be great if you could share whatever you feel comfortable with.

 

[JimDiamond]

Cubby08:

Very well said. I especially liked the part about giving advice to someone younger. Sixteen seems impossibly young to most of us here, so I don't think we even thought to put it in terms of someone younger still. No matter what our experiences or age, when we look back 5, 10 or more years into the past so much of what we thought was a good idea at the time seems foolish. Even a 16 year old can look back to middle school or elementary and realize that is true. Realizing that today's choices may seem foolish in the future is a hard pill for anyone to swallow.

 

[scoutZor]

Ok, well today is valentines day, so first off i would like to say happy valentines day to everyone.

Now on with my stories. 1) I have had doubts about our relationship and whether or not we were really ment to be together. 2) I only seem so confident on here, because it is easier for me to takl to a complete stranger, (someone i would never see, or someone i will never see again) only because, they can not pass judgement apon me, and they can not tell anyone who would pass judgement apon me. This is why i came to you guys. 3) Back in middle school, 3 years ago, i basically thought about the same things i do know.. "when the hell will i finish school" "when will i have kids" "who will be the kids mother" the basic stuff normal kids in middle school wouldnt be thinking about. When i was in middle school, i was, in my opinion, more mature then most. Yes i caused trouble here and there, but i thought more into the future and where i would be then what i was going to do in my next period class or when i got home. 4) If a child of 13 came up to me asking for my advice because (s)he wanted to get engaged, i would listen to their story and encourage it to the best of my ability. Not only because thats what i want, but because it is what they want. I would never put someone down from their beilefs, no matter how old they are. I will not encourage them to get married until they move in with their bf/gf. I find being engaged and married 2 totally different things. After reading alot of the posts on this topic, it seems like when i said i would propose to her, everyone took it as we are getting married. Almost every post contained "...if you get married..." Being engaged is just a commitment to your lover sayin you will get married some day. No one ever said an engagement couldn''t last for 7 years. (Im not sayin mine would either) But i did not plan on being married until after we moved in, at 18, and stuck it out for a while. 5) I GAVE HER A PROMISE RING (link to pictures at the bottom) 6) Im happy with the way things are now, and no one, not even my mother, can change my mind about doing what i believe is right. So in that case, the promise ring felt right at the time, and thats why i gave it to her. i have thought about everyones posts, and yes i believe we are all different. the way we treat people is different then one-another. The relationships are different. Therefore, there is no possible way, anyone here can tell me that being engaged wont work out because 6 of their relationships did not. But, after i get my job, i hopefully start next monday, and i save up enough money, i will propose to her. And thats just the way life is. I do have my doubts about it, but i just dont show it like others do. I tend to hide my emotional feelings. Such as when i am mad or upset about something, i will talk to someone about them, but i will seem like i am perfectly happy doing it.

Anyway.. enough with my blabbering... here is the link to the pictures..

Picture 1
Picture 2

All comments are welcome. The ring has a emerald cut genuine peridot (her birthstone of August), with 6pc diamonds. It has 3 on each side of the peridot.

 

[appletini]

What a beautiful promise ring! I know she loves it. As for the engagement, keep in mind it is a ring that she will wear everyday for the rest of her life, so its good that you are taking your time on that, in order to make sure that its perfect.

 

[rockupied]

scoutZor-

Happy Valentine's Day to you and Jess. Obviously you have put a lot of thought into your commitment to her. The people here have made a lot of good comments as have you. No one's situation is exactly the same. I hope that the two of you and your families can be happy for each other and respectful of each other. Enjoy each other in this moment and let the future work its ways. Get us a hand shot of that pretty ring on her finger.

 

[mightyred]

ScoutZor, I have followed your thread with interest - especially today !

I think you have shown such maturity and I am so happy for you and your girl.....I hope she is so in love with her promise ring....and I really hope you take some hand pics!!

Happy Valentines Day to you too!!! You derserve the best!

 

[fortheloveofdiamonds]

Back in middle school, 3 years ago, i basically thought about the same things i do know.. ''when the hell will i finish school'' ''when will i have kids'' ''who will be the kids mother'' the basic stuff normal kids in middle school wouldnt be thinking about. When i was in middle school, i was, in my opinion, more mature then most. Yes i caused trouble here and there, but i thought more into the future and where i would be then what i was going to do in my next period class or when i got home.

Good luck with your girlfriend. Instead of thinking so far into the future, concentrate on your schoolwork and your professional future. An education will never fail you. People often will!

 

[lethologica]

Congratulations scoutzor

 

[scoutZor]

Ok, well there is something i have been hiding that i was reluctant to tell you guys. Jess and I broke up on wednesday. And im not sure why. She claims it is because of her parents, but i dont think so. But i am trying anything and everything i can to get her back. Anyone have any suggestions? (She doesnt like to talk, not about things like this, so thats not an option)

 

[Lord Summerisle]

Date: 2/22/2005 7:34

4 PM
Author: scoutZor
Anyone have any suggestions?

Crap happens?

 

[jennyann2]

i''m sorry scoutZor but i don''t have any advice to get her back. i personally would never want to talk someone into spending time with me. if it''s truly meant to be things will work themselves out, who knows your paths may cross again...next month, next year or 5 years from now, but things happen for a reason.

 

[PaulaW]

Wow Scout... I''m so sorry to hear that. My heart goes out to you.
The only thought I can offer is maybe the pressure got to her. She may have freaked out over the magnitude of the ring.
I don''t know her or you so I could be way off base. The one thing I do know is that if it was meant to be, it was meant to be. The key to any relationship is communication so maybe give her time and then try and speak to her about it.
Good luck with everything. I hope things work out for you.

 

[heart prongs]

Scout...ouch, that must have hurt! I remember what it felt like to be in love for the first time, and I also remember what it felt like to lose that love for the first time. It's something that we all have to go through -- more than once -- in our search for what we're really meant to have in life.

Each relationship I've ever had -- except for the one I have with my most amazing husband

of course -- has ended badly. Otherwise they would not have ended. Still, I don't regret any of my ex boyfriends (well...maybe one!!) Why? Because I learned something valuable about myself and my ability to relate with other people, I figured out -- and not all at once -- what I wanted, what I could and could not put up with, etc. And after a relationship ends, my best advice is don't try to jump into a new one because that's your chance to figure out who YOU are and where your life is going. Also, don't try to get her back...you're far too emotional right now to think rationally -- with your mind instead of your heart.

I'm actually glad that you guys have some space between you right now. And I really hope that ring didn't cost you too much. I teach high school, and I constantly see 17-year-old boys buying therr girlfriends overpriced Tiffany jewelry, Coach bags, and other expensive stuff. Then, w/o fail, those are the ones who seem to break up and cause all sorts of drama that nobody really wants to hear in the hallways at school. Yes, they are being laughed AT -- people are not impressed, they're annoyed!!! Why do they break up, while the couples who exchange a card and simple gift on the holidays last...well, at least til graduation!? It's because they "crashed and burned," they were "too much, too soon," you name the cliche -- it will fit!!!

Most of us on here have found the great love of our life. And yes, we're older than you are. It doesn't mean we sacrificed, it means we knew there was something better out there waiting for us. My husband and I earned our relationship...it wasn't just handed to us...we appreciate it and take care of it as the years go on. And, for all that and more, I consider myself to be the luckiest girl in the world!!!

klr...whose first boyfriend bought her Bruce Springsteen's Born in the USA cassette tape for Valentine's day, then dumped her!!!

 

[cubby08]

I''m sorry to hear that. I''m sure things are really difficult right now having been through a pretty rough break up myself. I wouldn''t recommend any grand gestures. Keep things simple. The more you try to get her back, the more complicated the situation will become. That doesn''t mean you shouldn''t try, it just means you shouldn''t try right now. Give her some space and time to deal with things. Emotions run high at times like this obviously and some extra time will at least give both of you a chance to talk calmly later on.

 

[fortheloveofdiamonds]

Give her some space. If she wants to come back, she will. Like Heart Prongs said...all your feelings for her might have been too much too soon. Good Luck!

 

[mightyred]

I agree with foretheloveofdiamonds , if you push she will pull further away so give it some time and she most likely will come back on her own.

Keep your chin up !

 

[scoutZor]

Ok well, i am soo confused right now. This is what happend. Yesterday, everythign seemed perfect between us, she was lettin me hld her hand and stuff, then after school we went to her whore friend Amanda''s house. No one likes this girl, not me, her mother, her sister, no one. We tell Jess that Amanda is a bad influence on her, and she shouldn''t be hanging with her, but she does as she pleases. But I left because i had a job interview. Normally, Jess will call me a few times a day, just to let me know she is ok, but yesterday she didn''t call at all. So at 10:30 i called her. She told me that these guys came over, and they played truth or dare, and she was dared to go in the bathroom with him for 3min, and she was in there for an hour and a half makin out and stuff. She refused to tell me she was going out wit him now, her friend Amanda told me. But what do i do? her mom wont let her have another bf after me, her mom loves me too much. And i dont see what kind of relationship she can have with him anyway, she can only talk/see him when she is at Amanda''s house, and she wont be going there much longer, since her father is going to step in. I cant tell her parents about this guy, because then she will get punished, and she wont talk to me, since i am the only one who knows, it would be obvious i told them. What do i do? im going crazy and i wont just give up

 

[GETanEDGE]

Hate to be such a pessimist with this situation, but my advice to you is cut your losses and get over her. Obviously your feelings for each other aren''t mutual, or else she wouldn''t be making out with some random guy in a bathroom for an hour. I also know you don''t want to hear this, but you''re both too young to be thinking such long term with your relationships. Obviously she isn''t ready to settle down with anyone anytime soon and you shouldn''t be ready either. I''d remove yourself from the situation completely or else you''re only going to get more hurt. You''re young, and you''ll find out that there are plenty others out there who will make this girl look like scum in comparison.

When I was back in college my gf of 4+ years broke up with me out of nowhere. For a while I tried to hang on as hard as I could and even continued talking to her parents and her sisters. I only hung on because I thought eventually she''d realize what she was missing and want me back. Unfortunatly that attitude lastest for a month or so, untill I realized I was wasting my time. Finally I snapped out of it and began to move on with my life. Yes it was painful at first, but time heals all wounds. 6 months after that break-up I met my fiance-to-be out of the blue. We''ve been together for 2.5 years and I couldn''t be happier with my life.

Don''t take life so seriously....you''re 16....go screw around, be a 16 year old, and have fun!

Good Luck!

 

[cubby08]

I have to agree with the previous poster. I don''t think anyone can doubt your feelings about her if you want to be together despite her actions. However, what she did pretty clearly indicates she''s not ready to be in a serious relationship with you. You may have talked seriously about marriage and being together before, but she no longer feels that way. I would give it a break and put your effort and concentration into improving yourself. You''ve got to take care of yourself first before you can take care of someone else. Do your job interviews, get that further education, stay healthy, etc. You''ve shown a lot of integrity in your relationship and it wasn''t reciprocated. Maybe you should be with someone who will.

 

[baltneu]

Hey guy-----------

Wake up and smell the roses.

Truth or Dare? Oh, come on, this is a game for "kids", not someone who wants to enter into a serious relationship, like engagement.

Bottom line...........you are the big winner, thats right, this thing was going to be a crash and burn. Aren't you glad that you know these things about her now, and quite frankly, you are not dealing with your feelings like an "adult", but you know what? You are not an adult, you are 16 yrs old, and no one can ask you to be an adult. At 16 is the time to have fun and try things out. I am sorry for your pain, but just want to be direct. I would not chase after her, just go on, I think you will find another gf, learn from this experience, and look back and be happy it ended this way. Losing your first love is very very painful, but the rest of us have moved on. Good luck.

ps. Hope you can get your money back on the ring.