"Veiled Questions" - Creative ways to fish for e-ring info!

[ListlessLiz]

I thought I''d start this new thread and see how it takes off. (I was going to make it a part of my earlier post... see: "How NOT to bring it up to him..." but the post was long enough in itself!)

I''m curious as to what kind of "veiled questions" we all ask as a way of getting a little more e-ring/proposal info out of our respective BFs... It seems sometimes that I''m not only speaking a different language than my BF when talking about my engagement concerns (he just DOESN''T get the concept of being "lapped"), but that I''m making up entirely new words and sentences in an attempt to disguise my real question: So when are you gonna propose already???

Here''s how it works: We''ll all post our "veiled question"... then a translation of what the "real question" is. I''ll start:

Veiled question - "So, your friend Steve and his girlfriend Stacy have been dating a long time now -- has he ever mentioned their future?"

Real question - "So, Steve and Stacy HAVE been dating a long time - and we''ve been dating four years longer than that. I already know he''s planning on proposing in the next year... and I really hope you''re planning on proposing in the next 11 months and 29 days. You are, aren''t you?"

 

[LegacyGirl]

Yeah that doesn''t work with guys... at least my guy. I found what worked was "Hey you have until July and then I''m outta here" That''s when I found out he had been trying to find a ring for months with no luck.

 

[Erin]

So what time of the year would you want to get married, you know, what season?

If the answer is Summer, Spring, Winter or Autumn - it means he thinking about it.
"I don''t know" is just gonna pi$$ me off. Why did I even bother asking

 

[gwendolyn]

Yeah, no veiled comments here. Just the blunt truth, applied repeatedly until it gets through.

 

[Mediterranean]

Yep. What LegacyGirl said.

Guys don''t really "get" it without something tangible happening that shakes up their world. Like the girl giving an ultimatum, or if you want to be more subtle, read my post on your other thread, about suddenly being "busy" and suddenly making different plans than the ones he''s used to.


I''m not a fan of "thinly veiling" things when it comes to something as important as marriage, it''s too important to allow something to get lost in translation.


That said, I don''t think it''s fun for a man to be bludgeoned over the head with "Where''s my fricken ring?!?!?!" kinds of comments either.


There is a nice way of being very direct. It goes like this:


Pick a day when you''re having a really nice time together. It doesn''t have to be a big-deal day, or an elaborate nice time....just a nice time when you two are TOTALLY ALONE (don''t ever do this in front of other people) Like, after you''ve seen a good movie, or had a nice dinner, when you''re driving home, you could say something like:

"Thanks for dinner (the movie. the concert. dessert. dancing whatever) I had a great time." At this point he''ll smile or say something nice to you and you can say "In fact, I always have a great time when we''re together, and lately it''s been making me think of how awesome it would be if the two of us got engaged soon......what would you think of that, babe?"


So, he has to give you a direct answer. The one warning I will give you is this: if he bristles or acts nervous, or gets annoyed with you for bringing it up DROP IT. No arguments or anything, but DEFINITELY begin to distance yourself (by hanging out with friends more, by not being so available). Conversely, if he says he HAS thought of it, and he''s still vague about a timeframe, you could definitely throw one out there, as in "Oh, it''s cool you''re thinking of it too...I always thought I''d be engaged by summer of this year..."(or Christmas, or your birthday, whatever you timeframe is..) The point is now he knows. Drop it.


I''m not a fan of ultimatums spoken out loud (mostly, because if you don''t walk out, then he may walk all over you...and that''s a cruddy choice to have to make) BUT I am a big fan of having a time frame in your own head. If he doesn''t do it by a certain date, then...start distancing yourself, and being less available, and less focused on the relationship.


Of all the things men are, they are NOT stupid. They may play stupid, but they''re not. They''ll push as far as you''re willing to bend, but when you put you foot down is when they begin to really respect you. After all, given the chance, they''d sleep with us on the first date right? And we don''t let them do that why? Right, because we want them to take us seriously. We don''t just do whatever they want in the beginning, so why should it be any different when we want the relationship to move to the next level?

 

[FrekeChild]

For me, "So what are you going to do with your tax return?"
His response, "Depending on how much it is, I'll probably put half of it into your 'bling fund'."

Huh? Say what?!

Since then we've said it won't be for at least another year because he wants to finish his comprehensive exams for his PhD first.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 2/15/2008 8:04:51 PM
Author: FrekeChild
For me, ''So what are you going to do with your tax return?''
His response, ''Depending on how much it is, I''ll probably put half of it into your ''bling fund''.''

Huh? Say what?!

Since then we''ve said it won''t be for at least another year because he wants to finish his comprehensive exams for his PhD first.

LOL same here!! Only his response was "dump most of it in savings." ::insert sad face/tell me more face:: "That means for a ring." Woohoo!!!

I''m just direct about it. If he''s ready, he''ll talk about it openly.

 

[designchica]

yeah, no veiled questions here either. I thought "you have until February" was pretty blunt but now I realize it wasn't specific enough. I meant he had until feb to propose. he though it meant he had until February to start shopping and thinking about marriage!! *bangs head against wall*

 

[Pandora II]

No point in being subtle.

Just ask outright.

It saves a lot of headaches in trying to analyse every nuance of a possible answer - which we girls are all so good at doing, when the guy hasn't said anything other than what came into his mind then and there.

Also, you actually won't be satisfied with anything less than a real answer.

After we had been together for 2 years, I asked my FI straight out - he said he didn't believe in marriage. I told him I loved him very much and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but that it was non-negotiable and that if he decided for definite that he didn't want to marry me, could he please do it within the next year, so that I would have time to find someone else (I'm 35 so clock is ticking).

He burst into tears and said he didn't want to lose me, but he really had a problem with the idea of marriage (parents had very messy divorce which split the entire family up when he was 14 - so there were honest reasons for his fears). I cried too, and said I didn't want to lose him either but I wasn't prepared to sacrifice the things that are important to me.

Let's just say the ring was on my finger within 4 months.

If he had turned round after a year and said he wasn't up for marriage - I would have left. Not because I didn't adore the man, but because he wasn't prepared to go beyond his fears to not lose me. If he doesn't think I'm worth that - a) he's got no guts and b) he's not the kind of person I want to be with.

 

[LegacyGirl]

Date: 2/15/2008 9:44:20 PM
Author: designchica
yeah, no veiled questions here either. I thought ''you have until February'' was pretty blunt but now I realize it wasn''t specific enough. I meant he had until feb to propose. he though it meant he had until February to start shopping and thinking about marriage!! *bangs head against wall*

Yeah I was very specific. He started talking about the furture. I said the future will not exist past July if I had no ring. I meant it too

. But I felt comfortable doing this because I knew we were both going down the same path.