Vent + advice

[janinegirly]

cantana: I am so sorry, that is heartbreaking to hear someone say that. As much as this isn''t what you want to hear---it is for the best though. And it is because he cares about you that he was so honest. It''s better now than 5 years from now. I hope you move on quickly--he needs to know this is where your patience runs out--and if there is no future there is no you.

Please keep posting..you''ll make it through this!

 

[Porridge]

I''m so sorry Cantana. There''s not much I can say to make you feel better. But hard as it is to see now, it''s much better than being strung along and finding out years down the road.

{{{HUGS}}} you deserve better!!

 

[cosmokramer]

from a male''s point of view:

sounds to me like he isn''t sure you are the one for him. otherwise he would be giving you some sort of roadmap to getting married. 5 years is ridiculous for someone his age. he wants to start having kids when he is 40? under no circumstances should you move without an understanding that you will be getting married and having kids in a timeframe that YOU WANT. some guys need the ultimatum to understand what is important. it sucks. i know. i had a similar situation 3 years ago with my ex and now i''m getting ready to propose to the greatest gal on earth. life will get better. trust me.

 

[vc10um]

HUGS!!!

 

[cantata]

Thanks guys for all your kind words.
The part that hurts the most is that I did not see this coming at all. The whole time I thought we were on the same page. This man had me completely fooled. How and why does a person continue to profess love and all that, stay in a relationship long-term yet knowing all along that the other person is not the one? For almost 3years for heaven''s sake?? Why, why, why????

 

[diamondseeker2006]

{{{{hugs}}}} I am so sorry.

 

[AustenNut]

Sending lots of hugs your way. Thankfully you now know where he stands so you can move on with your life and find someone who appreciate you as much as you deserve.

 

[Hera]

Your scenario happened to me a long time ago and I learned that some men just can not be committed and some will never find "the one".
I found my husband after 30 days of a break up with a similar man. My bf at the time and I had a trial separation because he was sure he wanted marriage, but after 5 years and no proposal, I started asking some hard questions. Finally, he admitted he wasn''t sure he would ever be able to commit. Today, he is still unmarried at the age of 42 and guess what the statistics say about his age....

I agree when others say that at least you found out now. When you do find your husband, this will be a fleeting memory and you''ll realize how glad you are that this relationship didn''t work out.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

First and foremost, I am truly sorry. It is just gut wrenching and miserable and heartbreaking...but it''s also a gift.

When you''re in love with someone, being committed to that person is as natural a breathing. It become a reflex of sorts. Knowing that after all your time together that you''re not a sure thing for him, while hard, is also him giving his blessing for you to move on and find happiness elsewhere. You deserve a happy life full of love and if this isn''t it then better you know now before uprooting your life and moving towards his dreams and away from yours.

Keep faith. It doesn''t matter how many times you''re wrong in love, just that once you''re right....

 

[cantata]

Date: 11/4/2009 11:14:38 PM
Author: cantata
update.

so.....finally got him to talk and he said he wasn''t going to be ready for marriage in the next 5 yrs. I said, OK, no prob, but the real question is do you see me in your life in the future at all. I mean are we committed to being together? His response was he not sure he can make a commitment, or he''s not sure, or whatever the hell he said (forgive me, ladies, I''m trying to block the memory of that conversation).

P.S. to anyone who''s never had their heart broken, it literally feels like your guts are being wrenched out....

An update,
about 2 wks ago I told him we were over. We have called each other a few times since then. He did say something kinda shocking the other day; that I could have handled things differently, that I basically decided what I was going to do and went ahead. He said the break-up was not a mutual agreement. I was like

. I reminded him that for the past 1.5 yrs I have done everything I can to get us to have a mature discussion about our future. All I asked for was commitment. I have never harassed him or given any ultimatums. I never once demanded an engagement ring. I have tolerated his behavior to the point of compromising self-respect. What right does he have to be upset? Close to 3 years in a relationship and he''s still so unsure and terrified? What a waste of my time.
Maybe I''m jaded and bitter, but what is so wrong about our society that commitment has become an ugly word?

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 11/23/2009 8:52:36 PM
Author: cantata

Date: 11/4/2009 11:14:38 PM
Author: cantata
update.

so.....finally got him to talk and he said he wasn''t going to be ready for marriage in the next 5 yrs. I said, OK, no prob, but the real question is do you see me in your life in the future at all. I mean are we committed to being together? His response was he not sure he can make a commitment, or he''s not sure, or whatever the hell he said (forgive me, ladies, I''m trying to block the memory of that conversation).

P.S. to anyone who''s never had their heart broken, it literally feels like your guts are being wrenched out....

An update,
about 2 wks ago I told him we were over. We have called each other a few times since then. He did say something kinda shocking the other day; that I could have handled things differently, that I basically decided what I was going to do and went ahead. He said the break-up was not a mutual agreement. I was like

. I reminded him that for the past 1.5 yrs I have done everything I can to get us to have a mature discussion about our future. All I asked for was commitment. I have never harassed him or given any ultimatums. I never once demanded an engagement ring. I have tolerated his behavior to the point of compromising self-respect. What right does he have to be upset? Close to 3 years in a relationship and he''s still so unsure and terrified? What a waste of my time.
Maybe I''m jaded and bitter, but what is so wrong about our society that commitment has become an ugly word?

Cantata, it sounds like you''ve made the best choice for you. It''s time to put a stop to the phone calls and find ways to make yourself happy. A new hobby, spending time with friends, reading all those books you promised yourself you would but never did, cleaning out cupboards, anything that helps you find peace and happiness.

It''s sad that commitment has become such a frightening thing for many people, but it''s not true for all people and the right person will be commit to you and it won''t be because you forced his hand.

Hang in there, take care of yourself, and be proud of yourself for moving forward in the best direction for you.

 

[sunseeker101]

Hello Cantata. I think you did the right thing, 200%. This guy sounds spineless and passionless to me. The non-communication aspect of it is about as big a declaration of non-respect for your feelings as any guy could ever get together, I think. More power to you, look for someone who can respect and be as open and non-selfish as you yourself are. Good luck

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

You have definately made the right decision Cantata.. break off all contact with him, move on and find happiness. Good luck!

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 11/23/2009 8:52:36 PM
Author: cantata

Date: 11/4/2009 11:14:38 PM
Author: cantata
update.

so.....finally got him to talk and he said he wasn''t going to be ready for marriage in the next 5 yrs. I said, OK, no prob, but the real question is do you see me in your life in the future at all. I mean are we committed to being together? His response was he not sure he can make a commitment, or he''s not sure, or whatever the hell he said (forgive me, ladies, I''m trying to block the memory of that conversation).

P.S. to anyone who''s never had their heart broken, it literally feels like your guts are being wrenched out....

An update,
about 2 wks ago I told him we were over. We have called each other a few times since then. He did say something kinda shocking the other day; that I could have handled things differently, that I basically decided what I was going to do and went ahead. He said the break-up was not a mutual agreement. I was like

. I reminded him that for the past 1.5 yrs I have done everything I can to get us to have a mature discussion about our future. All I asked for was commitment. I have never harassed him or given any ultimatums. I never once demanded an engagement ring. I have tolerated his behavior to the point of compromising self-respect. What right does he have to be upset? Close to 3 years in a relationship and he''s still so unsure and terrified? What a waste of my time.
Maybe I''m jaded and bitter, but what is so wrong about our society that commitment has become an ugly word?

Ugh, since when is a break up a "mutual agreement", it''s a break up b/c one party is not happy or not getting what they need! Sounds like hurt pride and a very self centered perspective. What about your pride over the past few years and him basically saying "not sure you''re the one now or in 5 years"?? If he wanted a different outcome, pretty clear what he needed to get done! You are so much better than him, and commitment will not be an ugly word when you meet your next bf! Onto to someone better!!!

 

[trillionaire]

Oh my goodness Cantata, I am SOOOOOOOO sorry. That''s really awful, difficult and traumatic, BUT, you are still an AMAZING woman with so much to offer, and just because your current dude couldn''t love you correctly doesn''t mean that someone else will not. You deserve to be happy and secure in a relationship, and to plan a future with someone who is EXCITED about a future with you.

LOTS of hugs!

 

[dec2410]

i''m soo soooo soooo sorrry that you''re going through this.

i''m in a very similar boat as you right now but we''re just giving each other space to figure out what we really want/need and whether the other is the right person to provide them for us. we''ll see what happens with us. we both have a lot of evaluating to do.

but, that broken hearted feeling....yeah. i felt it for the first time this weekend and i really thought i was dying, like my heart was in a vice. i REALLY feel for you cantana.

((((((HUGS))))))

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 11/5/2009 10:50:45 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
First and foremost, I am truly sorry. It is just gut wrenching and miserable and heartbreaking...but it''s also a gift.

When you''re in love with someone, being committed to that person is as natural a breathing. It become a reflex of sorts. Knowing that after all your time together that you''re not a sure thing for him, while hard, is also him giving his blessing for you to move on and find happiness elsewhere. You deserve a happy life full of love and if this isn''t it then better you know now before uprooting your life and moving towards his dreams and away from yours.

Keep faith. It doesn''t matter how many times you''re wrong in love, just that once you''re right....

Wow, Italia, that post was really beautiful.

Cantana, I''m sorry to hear what you''re going through. Like everyone else said, when you meet the right one, you won''t even remember this guys name

Stay strong, get out of the house, hang out with friends.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 11/23/2009 8:52:36 PM
Author: cantata

Maybe I''m jaded and bitter, but what is so wrong about our society that commitment has become an ugly word?

FWIW, I don''t thing society has ever said commitment is an ugly word; just a very, very small subset of it is trying to convince you that this is some new norm, but it''s not. You just happened to fall for one of the guys who lies outside the norm for one reason or another (youth, self-centered solipsistic world view, irrational fear based in childhood trauma, whatever). It happens. It hurts. As you''ve noticed from the responses to this thread, a lot of folks have been there. And now that you can recognize it, you will do better at making sure that the next guy you give your heart to is part of the 80% of the population who can commit.

Cantata, was he kind of a self-centered guy when you were dating?

 

[Porridge]

Date: 11/24/2009 9:59:18 AM
Author: janinegirly
Ugh, since when is a break up a ''mutual agreement'', it''s a break up b/c one party is not happy or not getting what they need! Sounds like hurt pride and a very self centered perspective. What about your pride over the past few years and him basically saying ''not sure you''re the one now or in 5 years''?? If he wanted a different outcome, pretty clear what he needed to get done! You are so much better than him, and commitment will not be an ugly word when you meet your next bf! Onto to someone better!!!

Ditto every word! Another self centred response. This man seems allergic to taking any kind of responsibility for himself. Sometimes breakups make things so clear...

{{{HUGS}}}

 

[AdiS]

I''m sorry to hear that but on the other hand...

You''re a strong and smart woman and you deserve better. Congratulations on your courage and best of luck in your new jerk-free life!