vent and some good news!

[gls]

Hi girls,

I would love your opinion on this topic, I do recall some similar situations but I just want to know if Im over reacting or if I have a point.
I understand that many brides have small weddings and need to keep their list to a minimum (wish it was me sometimes!) my parents and I were recently invited to a wedding of a close family friend. The groom was a friend of my brother who passed and in my brothers honour they named their son born a year later after him, we have been in close contact with the family and my father and I baptised the child named after my brother.
I had a feeling that my fiance was not invited to this wedding and sent a msg to the bride to confirm this, which indeed she did. I am baffled as they did invite him to the engagement party and since we have a small family of 3, with him making it 4. She is well aware that we are engaged and we have been for almost a year.
I am not offended as I know she does need to keep to a limit, but I am hurt. Is this a logical emotion? I just feel as though she did not think much of it, but I dont know if I can attend a wedding without my fiance.

On the other note, we are almost at the stage of booking in the reception. I LOVE this venue but have always thought it to be expensive, although mum after viewing it told me to go for it as it was exactly what I was looking for but could not find for cheaper. I am so excited! but must admit the cost is still causing me some unease (I am a very indecisive person and go through things over and over and over ).

 

[mrscushion]

Yay for your venue!

Regarding this other couple's wedding, I think they should have invited your fiancé and I find it very impolite that they did not. I also can see how you would feel hurt. That said, given how close these guys are, I would avoid drama. Who knows what their reasons were. If I were in your shoes, I would see two choices: either you decline and find a credible excuse for it other than "I don't attend without my fiancé", or you go alone. I would probably attend alone.

 

[vintagelover229]

Hi girls,

I would love your opinion on this topic, I do recall some similar situations but I just want to know if Im over reacting or if I have a point.
I understand that many brides have small weddings and need to keep their list to a minimum (wish it was me sometimes!) my parents and I were recently invited to a wedding of a close family friend. The groom was a friend of my brother who passed and in my brothers honour they named their son born a year later after him, we have been in close contact with the family and my father and I baptised the child named after my brother.
I had a feeling that my fiance was not invited to this wedding and sent a msg to the bride to confirm this, which indeed she did. I am baffled as they did invite him to the engagement party and since we have a small family of 3, with him making it 4. She is well aware that we are engaged and we have been for almost a year.
I am not offended as I know she does need to keep to a limit, but I am hurt. Is this a logical emotion? I just feel as though she did not think much of it, but I dont know if I can attend a wedding without my fiance.

On the other note, we are almost at the stage of booking in the reception. I LOVE this venue but have always thought it to be expensive, although mum after viewing it told me to go for it as it was exactly what I was looking for but could not find for cheaper. I am so excited! but must admit the cost is still causing me some unease (I am a very indecisive person and go through things over and over and over ).

Congrats on finding a venue first off! I know the money issues seems hard to deal with now, but the day of your event, and after it's all done, you'll be very happy you spent the extra money and got your dream venue, rather than settling for something that's not what you want.

As far as the other wedding goes I offer a different view point. I want to say first I am sorry you are feeling hurt, and you have every right to feel the way you do. In fact, if your that close, your friend was probably dreading telling you that your FI wasn't invited to their very small wedding, but I offer the other side from the brides view.

My boyfriend and I are planning our own wedding. It is not my first, and I've already had one bigg(ish) one (50 ppl) and really want something low-key. Meaning I wanted to elope. However my boyfriend is going to be the first to get married in his family, and I love his family, and it's very important for him, and to me, to have some VERY VERY select close family and friends there. But there is a issue...he's spent his whole life in this area and has tons of really great, close friends. If we invited them all (and not extended family, but just those) we would be at around 50 people (with like 5 being mine). After sitting down, talking about it, and looking at all the costs he's decided that super small is the way it's going to have to be. We have 5k in immigration fees that we are going to have to foot after the wedding to get me into the country, a house to save for, wedding to pay for ourselves, etc. I have found a venue that we love, however the small room is a huge vintage table, called the royal oak room...and holds a grand total of 18 people, including the bride and groom. This makes the guest list to 16 people max. Now let me tell you, I'm not sure we will be able to go with this venue because we are cutting a list that we've already cut from 55 to about 25, to 16!

However, this venue is perfect for us. The prices are right, they have a rooms on location, a chapel, it's in the Greater Toronto area and it couldn't be any more perfect for us except for the number of guests we can invite. If we choose to go with this venue we do not have extra room for a guest to bring a guest we aren't equally as close to. To clarify, we have a couple friend that he has known his entire life. I am good friends with this couple friend, and so both of them are invited because we are equally friends with the couple. However, he has a best friend that he's only known for about 5 years. This friend is pretty serious with is gf (they've been dating about the same amount of time) however we aren't really that close to her. We've met her a couple of time, hung out, but I wouldn't consider her a close friend. I have a friend who's almost engaged to her SO that I've never met....so only she would be invited and not him if we went with this venue...and she would be doing international travels without her SO if we don't invite him.

You see, we WISH we could invite everyone so that way everyone has someone to talk to, the person they also love sharing in our special day. However, if we only can pick those 16 people, we would prefer to have ONLY the people WE are close to sharing in our special day. If their guest is taking up a seat that someone we are much closer to can be in...well...you get my drift. We haven't decided on if this is the venue we are going to go with for this very reason...but you can see where the bride isn't trying to upset you. She has limited space and is choosing to give that spot to someone else who is just as close to them as you are. I'm under the impression that your families are close, but she doesn't really know your FI, so she had to make a choice. Someone she loves and is close to, or someone she doesn't know much at all. It's nothing personal, it's sometimes just the way things go.

I hope this helps!

 

[meresal]

Are you actually friends with the groom or the bride? or do you only see eachother when your parents are together?

If you are not close to the groom or bride, then I think it is perfectly acceptable that they only invites family members. This is a "family" friend, and they invited the people that they know. No matter, they can invite whoever they want, and like you said, weddings are expensive.

As far as not going, I think that would be in very poor taste. This family did an incredible thing to honor your borther, and I think they would be very hurt if you just didn't go out of protest. Think "bigger picture" here.

Congrats on finding your venue

 

[amc80]

I personally think that adult guests who are in a serious relationship should get a guest invite, especially if travel will be involved. I know there are many opinions on this, but that's mine. I would still go to the wedding if I were you, because the nature of your relationship with the bride/groom and their family is pretty special. But I do think your fiance should have been invited, especially since he was invited to the engagement party.

 

[meresal]

I forgot about the engagement party... who actually threw this? Did the bride and groom host it themselves?

 

[vintagelover229]

I forgot about the engagement party... who actually threw this? Did the bride and groom host it themselves?

That's a good point. I forgot that they went to the engagement party together. I actually just spoke to my friend who's SO I haven't met and explained what was going on in my situation to her to see how she felt about it. She told me she would still travel with him, and he can still go to the wedding, but the sit down dinner might not be an option for him to attend and she said as long as there was things there to do and we went out after the sit down dinner she was fine with it. However because of additional guests and already cutting it thin, I'm leaning more towards having a bigger wedding and going with a different venue, just to avoid inviting one and not the other.

Having said that, if I was the one that threw the engagement party and invited you and your FI to it, then I would expect my FI invited to the wedding as well. If it was thrown by a family member and she didn't send out the invites, then I think it's more "okay" because she didn't make the decisions on who was invited to the engagement party. Not that its okay at all, but you get my drift (I hope, if not I hope someone else can clarify what I'm trying to say )

 

[iota15]

You are entitled to feel slightly hurt BUT, as you can see through you venue search, money IS an issue, unless you're a Hilton or Bloomberg. I'm sure neither the bride nor groom wants to exclude your fiance. However, YOU and your fiance are going to start making similar decisions soon - real soon.

The decision has already been made to exclude your fiance in favour of (choose from the following - the groom's college roommate, the venue of their dreams, the seat that going to the bride's great uncle that her mother Insists Must be invited, etc.). You can feel hurt but I suggest having some sympathy for a process that you are going to have to endure very shortly.

It's NEVER just one more seat. If they excluded your fiance, think of who else they had to exclude. If they added one more seat, do they have to open Another WHOLE table (with additional linens, additional centerpieces, more food, more money for seat coverings, etc.).

Conversely, who would you ask the bridegroom and bride to exclude in favour of your fiance? Perhaps your father? Because these decisions had to be made.

If you decide you cannot endure a maximum 8-hour event without your fiance but WITH your parents, then don't go. If it were me, (and this is tough love) I would s*ck it up, smile and celebrate the union of two people who are close to you, without putting more undue pressure on them (since I'm sure they would have loved for your fiance to be there, barring unlimited (or even just additional) resources).

 

[Winks_Elf]

Money tight or not, it was a huge faux pas to not extend the invitation to your FIANCE (he's not just a "boyfriend"), especially since BOTH of you were invited to the engagement party. You have every right to feel put out. The bride should have extended the invitation to just your parents if money is that tight. Sorry, I've been in the tight money predicament too, but certain social manners really should not be overlooked. You have every right to decline the invitation without making any excuses. A simple, "I'm so sorry I won't be able to attend, but I am engaged and would not feel right attending without my fiance. However, we both wish you the best for your upcoming marriage." is perfectly acceptable.

When you go over your guest list, if a guest is engaged, it's pretty much standard etiquette to address the invite to "Miss So-and-so & Mr. So-and-other". This is especially true if the engaged couple already live together.

 

[gls]

Thank you for your advice and well wishes.

I assumed that they organised their engagement party if not her family.
We know the groom and have known him since he was a young child, I do primarily see them when I am with my parents but he has an extremely small family so his parents consider us as family not just family friends.

I did end up rsvp'ing no to the wedding although my parents will still attend. It would not bother me attending a wedding on my own if I was single or just dating someone, but it doesn't feel right leaving my fiance at home, this might seem selfish but my parents also agreed it would not be in good taste. I will however attend the wedding ceremony.
The bride did not express any kind of sympathy when hearing that I would not be attending however offered to lend me her contacts for my wedding. After receiving that response I felt better about not going (although still hurt) as it seemed as though it did not bother her. I didn't want her to beg me to go, just a sorry to hear you cant make it maybe?

I dont think that any of this is a money thing, I think it is purely a small venue (restaurant) and she just needed to keep the guest list at the minimum. I understand this and by no means did I expect them to invite my fiance when they really did not have the room for it just because I want him there.

Thanks again for your advice.

 

[meresal]

Thank you for your advice and well wishes.

I assumed that they organised their engagement party if not her family.
We know the groom and have known him since he was a young child, I do primarily see them when I am with my parents but he has an extremely small family so his parents consider us as family not just family friends.

I did end up rsvp'ing no to the wedding although my parents will still attend. It would not bother me attending a wedding on my own if I was single or just dating someone, but it doesn't feel right leaving my fiance at home, this might seem selfish but my parents also agreed it would not be in good taste. I will however attend the wedding ceremony.
The bride did not express any kind of sympathy when hearing that I would not be attending however offered to lend me her contacts for my wedding. After receiving that response I felt better about not going (although still hurt) as it seemed as though it did not bother her. I didn't want her to beg me to go, just a sorry to hear you cant make it maybe?

I dont think that any of this is a money thing, I think it is purely a small venue (restaurant) and she just needed to keep the guest list at the minimum. I understand this and by no means did I expect them to invite my fiance when they really did not have the room for it just because I want him there.

Thanks again for your advice.

Gls, I assume you didn't get a very warm response, b/c she probably already knows why you aren't coming. You had already sent her an email asking if your FI was indeed not invited. I had a friend that sent me an email asking if she could bring her boyfriend, eventhough she would know 20 other girls at the wedding, and after I responded exaplining that I did not invite any sorority sisters with dates unless they were married, she replied saying that she would not be able to make it. I replied saying that I was sorry that was the case, and we haven't spoken since. As much as it hurts you that your FI wasn't invited, it also hurts the bride and groom to hear that someone close to them has decided not to attend over such trivial matters. But, you are going to the cermoney, which is the most important part, so I have a feeling she didn't say "I'm sorry you can't make it", because you are actually attending.

And then there is the other side... like you said, restaurant venues are very small, and maybe she can now fit in someone that she wanted to invite but couldn't. Who knows.

I am not judging your decision, I just wanted to explain possibly why you received the response you did.

 

[iota15]

I honestly feel bad that you're hurt but I think the fact you chose not to attend, although you have every right not to, reflects more poorly on you than it does on her, IMO.

You know room is an issue for her. The bride is not your close friend, but the groom is like family. So in the end, you're not attending a family wedding because you know they don't have room for your fiance? As Meresal said, this is a "trivial matter" and not attending DOES hurt the groom (and I'm sure the bride as well).

At its core, a wedding is just a party - a party to celebrate the union of two people. It's not about you and your fiance. Nobody cares if you are there without your fiance (except, notably, you). If anyone had asked where your fiance was, you could have just told them he wasn't invited due to the limited space at the venue. But I assure you - other than a passing small talk comment ("oh, where's so and so") - no one will care.

I've been to a wedding this year without the five-year, live-in and uninvited boyfriend, with a big smile on my face and happiness in my heart that the loving couple (my close friends) decided to invite ME to JOIN THEM on their special day. (The boyfriend's been to three weddings this year for college friends I never met without me as well). It is call an invitation for a reason. They invite you. There's no obligation to invite people to a party that you neither have room, nor necessarily the resources to provide for.

If it were me, and they were seriously as close to you as family, I would forgive any potential social faux pas (because family in good relations do that) - apologize for the change and if they continue to have room available for you, you would love to celebrate their union with them. This is one day without your fiance. You will never be able to go back to celebrate a very special day in the groom's life with him. Don't regret it later over what really is a trivial matter. I assure you - this hurts the bridge and groom more than it hurts you.

 

[iota15]

Thank you for your advice and well wishes.

I assumed that they organised their engagement party if not her family.
We know the groom and have known him since he was a young child, I do primarily see them when I am with my parents but he has an extremely small family so his parents consider us as family not just family friends.

I did end up rsvp'ing no to the wedding although my parents will still attend. It would not bother me attending a wedding on my own if I was single or just dating someone, but it doesn't feel right leaving my fiance at home, this might seem selfish but my parents also agreed it would not be in good taste. I will however attend the wedding ceremony.
The bride did not express any kind of sympathy when hearing that I would not be attending however offered to lend me her contacts for my wedding. After receiving that response I felt better about not going (although still hurt) as it seemed as though it did not bother her. I didn't want her to beg me to go, just a sorry to hear you cant make it maybe?

I dont think that any of this is a money thing, I think it is purely a small venue (restaurant) and she just needed to keep the guest list at the minimum. I understand this and by no means did I expect them to invite my fiance when they really did not have the room for it just because I want him there.

Thanks again for your advice.

It does seem really, really selfish. If you attended without your fiance and people asked, let them know why - and let the bride and groom take the brunt of the faux pas. Also, have you thought about the fact that if YOUR fiance was not invited, that perhaps almost NOBODY ELSE'S SIGNIFICANT OTHERS were invited either? As family, you should go. The fact you are not going because your fiance was not invited is clear as a bell to the bridge and groom and they will not forget.

Also, why should they offer you any sympathy? They offered essentially to pay, say, $100-150 for your prescence at their special day. And you would have preferred if they had offered to pay $200 to say $300 for your prescence, because you know, you're like family. Well, as their family, who has shown she is available (by asking whether fiance was invited), you should go.

YOUR intention was not to manipulate another invite with your regrets (unlike some others). To gain some perspective, because you are going to go through it soon with YOUR wedding, if you input the right search criteria for the BWW forum, you'll find HOARDS of angry, embarassed and sad brides-to-be who wished they could have invited so and so, but couldn't.. or wished people would understand the pressures they were under, or pissed that someone tried to weasle an invite or manipulate them with their regrets. You seem really nice through your posts. Don't regret this one later.

(And by the way, where have all the reality-check, tough love posters gone? Hudson Hawk? Deco? Italia?)

 

[amc80]

You will never be able to go back to celebrate a very special day in the groom's life with him. /quote]

But she is! I think it is very nice of her to attend the ceremony...after all, that is what matters. What would have been rude is if she had said "well if my fiance can't attend than I'm not either." But she didn't. She graciously declined the party but will still be attending the ceremony. If anything, I think it's rude of the bride/groom to invite her without her fiance and put her in this predicament. I would never think of inviting someone and not allowing them to bring their SO, it's just tacky. If money or space were an issue, I would have a backyard ceremony and bbq before disallowing guests. It's more important to me to have the people I love there - along with the person they love - than to have my ideal venue or fancy reception.

 

[RhubarbPie]

I'm so confused by these responses. Gls, I completely understand where you are coming from.

I think it is really a faux pas to invite an adult guest who is engaged or married and not invite their spouse/fiance. If you are trying to keep your guest list down, then do that by not inviting the couple. You can't invite one without the other. I would never dream of inviting a friend who was engaged without their fiance. That just seems ridiculous to me. And if I ever got delirious and decided to invite an engaged friend without their fiance, I would expect them to say no (and I would expect it to be awkward between the two of us as well). If they actually said yes, and nothing got awkward, it would be a pleasant surprise. Perhaps its just the social circle I come from, but you don't invite an adult who is engaged without their partner. I'm not into always being conventional, but there is certain etiquette when planning a guest list that is worth paying attention to.

And to follow up, I would not even thinking about attending an event without my fiance. All of my friends know that if they want to get together with me for a party or dinner, my fiance will be joining me. And if he is not invited (but he's never not invited as, again, its rude to invite an engaged person without their partner), my friends know that they can count on me not being there.

Gls, I don't think it reflects poorly on you (it reflects poorly on the bride and groom and whoever else planned their guest list and wedding) and I definitely don't think its selfish that you declined the invite. I really am kind of appalled at those who are calling her selfish. Crazy talk.

 

[RhubarbPie]

Thank you for your advice and well wishes.

I assumed that they organised their engagement party if not her family.
We know the groom and have known him since he was a young child, I do primarily see them when I am with my parents but he has an extremely small family so his parents consider us as family not just family friends.

I did end up rsvp'ing no to the wedding although my parents will still attend. It would not bother me attending a wedding on my own if I was single or just dating someone, but it doesn't feel right leaving my fiance at home, this might seem selfish but my parents also agreed it would not be in good taste. I will however attend the wedding ceremony.
The bride did not express any kind of sympathy when hearing that I would not be attending however offered to lend me her contacts for my wedding. After receiving that response I felt better about not going (although still hurt) as it seemed as though it did not bother her. I didn't want her to beg me to go, just a sorry to hear you cant make it maybe?

I dont think that any of this is a money thing, I think it is purely a small venue (restaurant) and she just needed to keep the guest list at the minimum. I understand this and by no means did I expect them to invite my fiance when they really did not have the room for it just because I want him there.

Thanks again for your advice.

It does seem really, really selfish. If you attended without your fiance and people asked, let them know why - and let the bride and groom take the brunt of the faux pas. Also, have you thought about the fact that if YOUR fiance was not invited, that perhaps almost NOBODY ELSE'S SIGNIFICANT OTHERS were invited either? As family, you should go. The fact you are not going because your fiance was not invited is clear as a bell to the bridge and groom and they will not forget.

Also, why should they offer you any sympathy? They offered essentially to pay, say, $100-150 for your prescence at their special day. And you would have preferred if they had offered to pay $200 to say $300 for your prescence, because you know, you're like family. Well, as their family, who has shown she is available (by asking whether fiance was invited), you should go.

YOUR intention was not to manipulate another invite with your regrets (unlike some others). To gain some perspective, because you are going to go through it soon with YOUR wedding, if you input the right search criteria for the BWW forum, you'll find HOARDS of angry, embarassed and sad brides-to-be who wished they could have invited so and so, but couldn't.. or wished people would understand the pressures they were under, or pissed that someone tried to weasle an invite or manipulate them with their regrets. You seem really nice through your posts. Don't regret this one later.

(And by the way, where have all the reality-check, tough love posters gone? Hudson Hawk? Deco? Italia?)

OMG, maybe they aren't dishing out reality checks because the reality is, you don't invite an engaged adult without their partner! Wowza.

 

[amc80]

I'm so confused by these responses. Gls, I completely understand where you are coming from.

I think it is really a faux pas to invite an adult guest who is engaged or married and not invite their spouse/fiance. If you are trying to keep your guest list down, then do that by not inviting the couple. You can't invite one without the other. I would never dream of inviting a friend who was engaged without their fiance. That just seems ridiculous to me. And if I ever got delirious and decided to invite an engaged friend without their fiance, I would expect them to say no (and I would expect it to be awkward between the two of us as well). If they actually said yes, and nothing got awkward, it would be a pleasant surprise. Perhaps its just the social circle I come from, but you don't invite an adult who is engaged without their partner. I'm not into always being conventional, but there is certain etiquette when planning a guest list that is worth paying attention to.

And to follow up, I would not even thinking about attending an event without my fiance. All of my friends know that if they want to get together with me for a party or dinner, my fiance will be joining me. And if he is not invited (but he's never not invited as, again, its rude to invite an engaged person without their partner), my friends know that they can count on me not being there.

Gls, I don't think it reflects poorly on you (it reflects poorly on the bride and groom and whoever else planned their guest list and wedding) and I definitely don't think its selfish that you declined the invite. I really am kind of appalled at those who are calling her selfish. Crazy talk.

Great post. I think it's selfish of the bride and groom to expect an engaged women to attend a wedding alone. Especially since she is so close to the family. And he was invited to the engagement party! To me it says "you are important enough that we want you there, but not so important that we want to follow etiquette and invite your fiance."

 

[RhubarbPie]

I'm so confused by these responses. Gls, I completely understand where you are coming from.

I think it is really a faux pas to invite an adult guest who is engaged or married and not invite their spouse/fiance. If you are trying to keep your guest list down, then do that by not inviting the couple. You can't invite one without the other. I would never dream of inviting a friend who was engaged without their fiance. That just seems ridiculous to me. And if I ever got delirious and decided to invite an engaged friend without their fiance, I would expect them to say no (and I would expect it to be awkward between the two of us as well). If they actually said yes, and nothing got awkward, it would be a pleasant surprise. Perhaps its just the social circle I come from, but you don't invite an adult who is engaged without their partner. I'm not into always being conventional, but there is certain etiquette when planning a guest list that is worth paying attention to.

And to follow up, I would not even thinking about attending an event without my fiance. All of my friends know that if they want to get together with me for a party or dinner, my fiance will be joining me. And if he is not invited (but he's never not invited as, again, its rude to invite an engaged person without their partner), my friends know that they can count on me not being there.

Gls, I don't think it reflects poorly on you (it reflects poorly on the bride and groom and whoever else planned their guest list and wedding) and I definitely don't think its selfish that you declined the invite. I really am kind of appalled at those who are calling her selfish. Crazy talk.

Great post. I think it's selfish of the bride and groom to expect an engaged women to attend a wedding alone. Especially since she is so close to the family. And he was invited to the engagement party! To me it says "you are important enough that we want you there, but not so important that we want to follow etiquette and invite your fiance."

And even aside from the etiquette part, when someone feels that my fiancee is not as important thus they can be left off of the guest list, it is an insult to me. At least for me, my FI and I are a team now. So if you think he's not invitation-worthy, then I'm not interested in attending either.

 

[sillyberry]

I know you've already made your decision, but since the conversation is ongoing, I'll say it kind of depends to me. Are you traveling? If the wedding is local, and it just means one night away from the FI, I would have gone to the wedding anyway. You say they're like family, you say that you understand they are under space restraints. Send FI out with his friends for the night and celebrate with your parents and the couple. Since you're going to the ceremony, I'm guessing you're local.

However, if you would have to travel, I would probably decline. I think it's a lot harder to justify leaving your SO at home when you head out for the weekend, especially since you would have a lot of time over the weekend NOT about the wedding.

They should have invited your FI; it is a bit tacky not to, particularly after inviting him to the engagement party. But they did, and you chose not to just go ahead and celebrate them apart from your FI for one evening. The fact that you're still going to wedding ceremony makes it clear to them that you're not attending the reception because you're in a snit about the lack of an invite for him. I would not expect to remain close to the couple in the future, and it might make things awkward for your parents.

::snip::And to follow up, I would not even thinking about attending an event without my fiance. All of my friends know that if they want to get together with me for a party or dinner, my fiance will be joining me. And if he is not invited (but he's never not invited as, again, its rude to invite an engaged person without their partner), my friends know that they can count on me not being there.

Really? What about girls' night? Or if a friend wants to grab dinner with you? I do lots of things without my guy, and he does as well, so perhaps other people aren't used to such a degree of closeness.

 

[RhubarbPie]

I know you've already made your decision, but since the conversation is ongoing, I'll say it kind of depends to me. Are you traveling? If the wedding is local, and it just means one night away from the FI, I would have gone to the wedding anyway. You say they're like family, you say that you understand they are under space restraints. Send FI out with his friends for the night and celebrate with your parents and the couple. Since you're going to the ceremony, I'm guessing you're local.

However, if you would have to travel, I would probably decline. I think it's a lot harder to justify leaving your SO at home when you head out for the weekend, especially since you would have a lot of time over the weekend NOT about the wedding.

They should have invited your FI; it is a bit tacky not to, particularly after inviting him to the engagement party. But they did, and you chose not to just go ahead and celebrate them apart from your FI for one evening. The fact that you're still going to wedding ceremony makes it clear to them that you're not attending the reception because you're in a snit about the lack of an invite for him. I would not expect to remain close to the couple in the future, and it might make things awkward for your parents.

::snip::And to follow up, I would not even thinking about attending an event without my fiance. All of my friends know that if they want to get together with me for a party or dinner, my fiance will be joining me. And if he is not invited (but he's never not invited as, again, its rude to invite an engaged person without their partner), my friends know that they can count on me not being there.

Really? What about girls' night? Or if a friend wants to grab dinner with you? I do lots of things without my guy, and he does as well, so perhaps other people aren't used to such a degree of closeness.

I do girls night without my FI when I know he's unavailable (in class or something). I never do girls night when hes around as were both so busy, why would I give up an evening with him? If a friend wants to grab dinner, we go together unless he's not available (and vice versa...if I'm at work or something and he wants to go out, he'll go without me). Although we rarely eat dinner without one another, as dinner for both of us is an important family time (and will continue to be so when we have children). Although grabbing dinner is different than attending a wedding alone. I would absolutely never attend a formal affair without him, esp. a wedding. To me, that is a very strange thing to do. To each his own I guess.

Edit: Additionally, for me, and for the original poster, I would imagine its not a matter of being capable of leaving my FI for an evening and celebrating without him. Obviously were all capable of leaving someone for an evening. But why would I go to a celebration alone when I'm not single and I'm half of a partnership? The "leaving your FI for an evening" part seems to miss the point. And I would hope that the bride and groom DO know why she's not attending the party. They should. It was inappropriate on their part.

 

[iota15]

(And by the way, where have all the reality-check, tough love posters gone? Hudson Hawk? Deco? Italia?)

OMG, maybe they aren't dishing out reality checks because the reality is, you don't invite an engaged adult without their partner! Wowza.

I'm not saying they would agree with me. They very well may not.

However, even given that what the bride and groom did was a social faux pas, do you really need to rub their noses in it by not attending their reception? For people I consider like family (and maybe I'm just really close to my family and close friends), I feel the "punishment" of not accepting their (still) generous invitation and attending a major event in their lives is disproportionate to the crime. I'm sure they'll be embarassed enough when you attend and inform other guests that your fiance was not invited (when that answer is solicited), given that it's such a no-no in your community.

I still don't think it's too late, GLS. I'm sure they would still love to have you attend. For crying out loud, you baptised the child they named after your brother. You have been hurt (temporarily) but are you sure you want to hurt your relationship with the bride and groom forever because of this particular social faux pas?

 

[gls]

amc80- You have hit the nail on the head about how I feel.

I understand where the people calling me selfish are coming from and I do have moments where I do feel selfish and I do want to go to the wedding but I feel as though I have been invited because of the grooms parents not because of the bride. The engagement party was extremely tense for me and having my fiance there made it better for me, hence why I decided to decline as I knew it would be the same at the wedding. My mother has stated a couple of times that if she was tight for room she should invite only my parents or only my fiance and I.
I do not think that this will change our relationship with the family in the least.

Thanks for your responses.

 

[gls]

oh and I have been scared about getting the tough "reality-check" responses like others have experienced, but I wouldnt have posted originally if I didnt want honest responses, good or bad.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

It sounds like I may be in the minority. But I thought once a couple was married, engaged, or living together, they were considered a social unit and should be invited to a social function together. I had a couple friends on a budget who breached a lot of traditional etiquette rules, but did not dare touch that one.

Honestly, I think you are in your right to choose not to go. And when a bride makes a decision like that, she should not have hard feelings when someone declines because of it. I had a similar situation because I am not letting someone bring their toddler to my evening reception. The only children at the ceremony will be the FG/RB. I offered them dinner but the mother is having them picked up by their grandmother because she does not think they will handle it well. I realized when I made that rule, I might loose a guest or two but I don't want a toddler melting down because they were put in a situation they might not do well in (late evening, late meal ect). That's not fair to me, the other guests, or the child. But I understand completely why this person decided not to come and have no issues with it.

 

[RhubarbPie]

It sounds like I may be in the minority. But I thought once a couple was married, engaged, or living together, they were considered a social unit and should be invited to a social function together. I had a couple friends on a budget who breached a lot of traditional etiquette rules, but did not dare touch that one.

Honestly, I think you are in your right to choose not to go. And when a bride makes a decision like that, she should not have hard feelings when someone declines because of it. I had a similar situation because I am not letting someone bring their toddler to my evening reception. The only children at the ceremony will be the FG/RB. I offered them dinner but the mother is having them picked up by their grandmother because she does not think they will handle it well. I realized when I made that rule, I might loose a guest or two but I don't want a toddler melting down because they were put in a situation they might not do well in (late evening, late meal ect). That's not fair to me, the other guests, or the child. But I understand completely why this person decided not to come and have no issues with it.

You're only in the minority in this weird thread, not real life. That is social etiquette and its pretty unacceptable to do otherwise, IMO.

 

[meresal]

It sounds like I may be in the minority. But I thought once a couple was married, engaged, or living together, they were considered a social unit and should be invited to a social function together. I had a couple friends on a budget who breached a lot of traditional etiquette rules, but did not dare touch that one.

Honestly, I think you are in your right to choose not to go. And when a bride makes a decision like that, she should not have hard feelings when someone declines because of it. I had a similar situation because I am not letting someone bring their toddler to my evening reception. The only children at the ceremony will be the FG/RB. I offered them dinner but the mother is having them picked up by their grandmother because she does not think they will handle it well. I realized when I made that rule, I might loose a guest or two but I don't want a toddler melting down because they were put in a situation they might not do well in (late evening, late meal ect). That's not fair to me, the other guests, or the child. But I understand completely why this person decided not to come and have no issues with it.

You're only in the minority in this weird thread, not real life. That is social etiquette and its pretty unacceptable to do otherwise, IMO.

Really? Weird thread... real life... LOL.

This family, for some reason ($$, venue, etc), couldn't invite her FI. I personally, think that is not a good enough reason to miss out. Their family named their son after her borther. The least she can do is show up for their son's wedding ceremony... since she has no other prior engagements. That is just what I would do.

Gls- I think it is great that you are going to attend the ceremony. That is what the night is all about anyway, the union. I'm sure their family will appreciate that you took the time to be there to celebrate with them. I have attended weddings with my parents and then left before the dinner if I didn't know anyone.

 

[gls]

I have no problem attending a wedding with my parents and have done so since I have been with my fiance but not since we have been engaged. My main concern attending is would I be on a table with my parents or on the "single" table with people that I do not know? It might sound silly but I would rather remove myself from the situation than throw myself at it, if that makes sense.
I guess another deciding factor is that it is the day of my fiances birthday. He did not mind spending it at a wedding with me but he wont celebrate it without me and I do not want him sitting at home that night.

 

[meresal]

Gls- I would definitely leave after the cermony since it is your FI's birthday. Like I said, I have done this, and I understand what you mean about the reception.

 

[sillyberry]

No one is ever under any obligation to attend a social event, and given what you've added to this thread gls (uncomfortable at the engagement party, not close to the bride, FI's birthday), it sounds like you don't really want to attend. And that's perfectly fine! It doesn't make you selfish.

Ultimately, my point is that for an event you want to attend, where you do care about celebrating the couple, I wouldn't raise the flag of righteous indignation about FI not being invited. I would just accept that there was space issues, sigh to myself, and then attend the wedding. I like to ask myself whether in five years I would be happier about having stood up for this particular principle or attending a wedding of someone I care about. For me, the answer is pretty easy. I guess I'm a weirdo.

 

[sillyberry]

Also, FWIW, I don't think choosing not to go because the FI isn't invited (even if that was the only reason) is selfish. I just think in general it may be shortsighted in the long run once you're past the initial hurt.