Vent combined with guilt - FMIL and FI''s family in general

[NoID]

wow, your bff''s story is unreal. it sounds like you care a great deal about your friend.

exactly...that''s why i think i''m more calm today...because i was able to step away from the situation and her words and center myself. there''s been nothing on FMIL''s part except for "me me me". I thought the by reaching her myself I might wake her up, in a gentle way. But that isn''t what I got.

well, let''s just say that i don''t say some of the bad words that come to mind when regarding FMIL.

but i do tell him quite clearly everything else. i just don''t flat out insult her. and yes, many times i make sure to point out to him that it''s easier for me to see certain things because she''s not my mom. and that if my mom/parents were doing some of these things to me he would be angry because he''d be able to see it from the outside.

no, she won''t say one way or another...the only answer we ever got is "we''ll see", "we don''t know", plus all the excuses I told you about. we''ve been telling them all along that everything going to go up, not to mention the hotel could be sold out. we also gave them the idea of just one of them going, that might end up how it has to be. and we''ll probably end up having to pay for their tickets, too, as i''m sure they won''t have enough $ if they''re astronomical. that''s probably what''s going to happen...they''ll decide to go last minute and we''ll have to scramble to do whatever we need to make it happen.

believe me when i tell u, that the comments that have been made have not been made innocently...of course i always answer as if they were, giving an explanation as to why we love DR, etc., but if u were there with me, and saw the face expression and body language, etc., u''d agree with me.

thank u again!

 

[brooklyngirl]

I'm glad you're feeling better! Keep working on your FI to distance himself from the situation, because it just seems toxic to your soon-to-be family. Think about it, it's a few months before your wedding, and you should be over the moon excited, not dealing with this sort of stress. The problem is that it won't end at the wedding, there will always be something.

About the last minute decisions; why don't you give her a deadline by which to respond ( say, 2 weeks) and you guys will help them with the financials so they can attend the wedding. If by that time she doesn't have an answer, she's not coming, and you won't pay. Seriously, at that point the costs could be astronomical. I think passports take 6 weeks to issue, and with with the new rules about travel the number of people who need passports has ballooned, and there's no guarantee of when the passport will be processed. If you have it rushed, that's some serious $$. Give her the deadline, and stick to it. When the deadline comes to a close (I can guarantee you she will not give you an answer before that) call her and ask her if she's coming. If she gives you an answer that is anything other than a yes, tell her that you're sorry she won't be there.

I see now what you're saying about the comments. I am guessing it's FI's side of the family that are responsible for those

? Next time someone says something like that (and you believe it's not so innocent) just say you're doing it because you want a small, intimate wedding, and this way you can invite everyone, so as not to offend, but still have your small wedding because only the closest people to you will be able to attend. I'm sure they'll get the picture

OT, but do you live near FMIL? If so, I would consider moving

. I think the key to getting along with one's mother in law is having her far, far away

.

 

[NoID]

hi brooklyngirl...

FI was hurt by some things his mother said, and the fact of even having to have this situation with his mom, but I think as a few days went by, he started to become more comfortable. I think he is fed up as well, and is determined to say whatever he needs to say. He is not afraid of confrontation. Magically, after she sent that last e-mail with all the "I thought I was a better mother" "maybe I shouldn't be here" type of comments, she has not been back online (and she goes on every day, a few times a day, we see her on IM). I think it's a way for her to continue escalating this "poor me" theme until she finds a way to reel him back in, to "prove" that her problems are indeed worse than anybody else's. Of course the other side of me was picturing all kinds of horrible things going on over there. But through conversations with his dad (non-related to any of this) we know that everything is fine. So I'm pretty sure it's her way of calling attention to herself. So there's still an e-m from FI she has not read/responded to.

Giving them a deadline by which to respond is going to have to be the next step. There's no way of getting around it, tickets need to be purchased. How funny that FI did everything so early so we wouldn't have to deal with any last-minute headaches and here we are.

how did u guess the comments were on FI's side of the family?

yes, mostly it was from their end (although not his mom/dad but extended family). We actually even had his cousin send us a pretty angry e-m that she wasn't invited, why the Dominican Republic, did we do it there because it's easier for my family rather than his. That makes absolutely no sense, but that's what she said. The others that have made comments, you could tell the question wasn't spontaneous, you know how you could tell they were just waiting for the right time to ask, so it looked innocent? But I handled those questions well when they were asked.

We do not live near FMIL, which does help somewhat. But when someone wants to be a drag, all they need is a telephone line. It's up to my and FI to draw the lines, no matter where we live.

I don't know how this is all going to end up, and I'm a little nervous about the next conversation FI will have with his mom. Eventually he's going to have to talk to her, and not rely on e-m, especially if she makes it a point of not going online. But as the days go by, even though I think FI is a little nervous too, we both realize it was time for this to happen. Funny how big events have a way to bring things to the surface.

Thanks again for your support. It actually meant a lot to me that you kept responding to me. I know you have better things to do, and that you, too, have happier things to think about.

One question for you that I want to know: what is your adorable dog's name? He/she is adorable.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I agree, you have to give them a deadline. God FI''s family is worse than mine and that''s hard to do.

No offense of course. I also agree that you and FI have to draw the lines. It''s your wedding, it''s going to be a beautiful and enjoyable day. FI NEEDS to have that next talk with his Mom. And oh yeah weddings totally bring out the worst in people. Do not let FI back down. Make him stand up for the two of you. Remember, while his family is important, you are starting a new life together and while he still will be a son, brother, etc., the number one thing he will be is your husband.

 

[CJ2008]

noID, I agree with you.

As difficult and kind of scary as this may be, because you don''t know if there''s going to be some kind of blow-up, and how much more drama there will be, it''s for the best that it''s happening. It had to happen some time. Maybe your FI needed to do this to liberate himself on a bigger/deeper level. Maybe for the first time he''s seeing his parents as a separate unit rather than always trying to fix their problems.

This is your wedding, and the start of your new life together as husband and wife. This liberation couldn''t have come at a better time.

Good luck!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Hey NoID, I'm glad that you and FI are doing better. From your latest post it seems like you guys (FI) has really started standing up for the two of you, which is huge leap in the right direction. I hope he keeps at it, and doesn't succumb to further manipulation. I'm not by any means telling you guys to be cruel/mean to FMIL, but FI need to practice some tough love, so to speak. The only way that he'll get through the next conversation(s) is he thinks keeps his eye on the prize, which is getting back some peace and sanity on your wedding day, and for the rest of your lives!

When you said in your last post that you just "knew" the comment were snarky, I realized right away where they were from. Bottom line is FMIL is unhappy with the wedding being in DM, and is telling the family (or a few select members, and they spread it further) her thoughts. She is probably telling me them that it was your idea, and you pushed it and speculating that you did so bc it is easier for your family (don't know how that is) or that you're trying to exclude some people (maybe her) from the wedding by making it prohibitively expensive to attend. This however, is purely my speculation, but there's no other way to explain FI's relatives throwing nasty comments your way. They have no way of knowing about the situation or having such a strong opinion on it/you unless someone told them so. Even so, I can't believe the sheer nerve of some people. Eh, if they're mad at you for not inviting them, and choose to confront you about it -- well they weren't going to be there for you in the first place, so good riddance!

You're definitely right, your FI has to draw establish boundaries between your family unit and his parents. It's not done overnight, and you have to follow through with those boundaries everyday, no matter how much they pull on your heartstrings. The FILs have been this way long time, and FI needs to know that he can't fix his parents, the same way you can't fix yours, and I can't fix mine. All you can do is learn to deal with them in a way that leaves you with most of your sanity.

I am so glad I was able to help! Having been there through a similar situation with my bff has really opened my eyes. When the whole thing started, I was pushing her to try and mend things with her in-laws (and boy did she try!), and that anything can be worked out if you just communicate. Well, I found out that no, every problem cannot be solved, and all relationships cannot be mended.

I hope in time our FMIL recovers from her depression. If she's clinicaly depressed I hope she's seeing someone -- but from your posts, I gather she's not, which is unfortunate.

Please stick around and keep us updated! As always the ladies here are more than happy to provide honest advice

.

The puppy (I use that term loosely, as he's 1 year old, and weighs 60 lbs) in my avatar is Bender. FI and I are huge fans of Futurama, and we named him after Bender (the robot).

Best of luck to you, FI, and the quirky in-laws

.

ETA: The A key on this keyboard is not what it used to be, so excuse any missing A's.

 

[NoID]

sarah and claudinam - thank you both very much for your thoughts and advice. You''re right about everything you said. And I do think we''re on our way to a more honest relationship, because I feel like they can''t hide any more. It was time for these things to be out in the open. I basically think FI was just pushed too far for too long.

brooklyn - I didn''t at all think at any time that you thought we should be cruel or mean. Believe me, sometimes I have those kinds of thoughts, but I still never forget that it''s FI''s family, and FI loves them. I love them too, but it''s hard to remember that when 90% of the time all they bring to FI and to me are problems. It''s weird, this whole time I kind of got annoyed but just accepted, but with my wedding coming up, I so feel more entitled. They are good people, but their problems have gotten the best of them and it just isn''t fair that we have to pick up the mess they have created and allowed themselves to stay in. I agree that at some point or another SOMEONE mentioned why the wedding was so far, and it allowed and encouraged others to ask me those kinds of questions. I was going to say I wasn''t sure that it was FMIL, because she hardly speaks to anyone, but...there is one person on the other side of the family who stayed with them not long ago. I could totally see how at some point or another the wedding conversation came up and maybe she gave that as one of the reasons she didn''t want to go. Like you say, good riddance! haha You''re right about fixing others...hard to fix OURSELVES, much less other people. FMIL is definitely not going to to go anybody to help her any time soon. I''ve talked to her through the years about it, and so has FI, and she''ll say yeah yeah yeah but she won''t go. Bender is the cutest thing ever.