vent - selfish friends

[karasue91]

So I have lived in New York for 3 years now, and not being from here, it is pretty difficult to make friends. I made friends with 2 girls from work, one of whom is also from Ohio (I''m from Ohio). They aren''t the best friends in the world, but they are good for getting drinks and going shopping and ranting about work.

Wedding dress shopping is hard enough as it is, but add to that the fact that my good friends live all over the place (San Antonio, Atlanta, Columbus, Toronto, Seoul!!), my mom lives in Phoenix and FMIL and FSIL are in Calgary. So, I have been trying to shop with these two girls from here, and particularly one.

At the first place we went, she seemed pretty excited and was helpful. Since then I have dragged her to 2 more dress shops and each time its more and more like pulling teeth. She makes comments like "You just need to pick one!!" when I ask her what she thinks about a dress. I dreaded even asking her to come along in the first place after how she acted when I asked her to come look at the engagement ring I had picked out before I told my FI that was definitely the one I wanted. Every time I asked her if she could come, she would be like "well I''ll have to see" and change the subject. It took FI asking her himself (in "secret") before she actually told me she wanted me to show her the ring I liked...

So today was the last string. This weekend is the Brides Against Breast Cancer sale in NYC and I''m pretty excited about it. I have found a couple of dresses I really like, but I really want to look at this sale before I buy anything because I would really like to buy a dress there if I can find one I like. I DREADED asking her to come with me, but I know I couldn''t buy a dress without having a friend there to give me their opinion (and she actually gives good opinions when she feels like it). I wanted to go during work to get the best selection but I knew she would never agree to that. So, I asked if she could come with me early on Saturday morning (9-11am) and I told her how I was all excited to go to this sale and I REALLY want to buy the dress there, even if I don''t LOVE it as much as the other one I''d rather buy it for a good cause. She''s usually totally into good causes and I thought she might be *slightly* more excited about this.

Her response: "I need to get my hair done and I was going to do it on Saturday. It takes like 3-4 hours." She does that Japanese straightening thing. So I asked if she could make her appointment at noon or something and she just didn''t respond. I was/am SO MAD!!!!

She''s the only girl friend I have in this city and she knows that. I am pretty much the only girl friend she has too!! I don''t know what her problem is, but I can''t believe how selfish she''s being.

Thank god my mom is coming this weekend and has agreed to go with me....I was going to go before my mom got here so the selection would be better, but I''ll just see what they have left.

Well, thanks for letting me vent....I''m still so mad and hurt!!!

 

[decodelighted]

I''m sorry but I don''t see HER as selfish. It''s not her problem she''s your only friend in the city. She''s already been a few (at least two) times dress-shopping with you. Just because this "sale" is important to you doesn''t mean its important to her. You''re expecting too much from this one friend because of your own "lack of other friends" situation & your desperation. If you keep that up - she''ll grow resentful & you won''t have ANY friend by the time your wedding rolls around.

Maybe you''re early along in planning -- but it should become evident QUICKLY that no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. Keep your expectations of others REASONABLE and you''ll end up disappointed & frustrated MUCH less often.

 

[misysu2]

I can understand, but it's not her job to go dress shopping with you, it's her job to be your friend. I hardly have any friends here in Houston, and have only gotten 2 of them to come with me once. Every other time, I'm on my own. I just try to enjoy it as "me" time. Try to keep the experience fun! This way, I can try on anything as many times as I want and I can take as long as I want. Granted, it would be nice to have someone around with me, but at times like this, I've learned you just gotta be your own best friend.

 

[havernell]

I agree with the above posters 100%. Just because your friend doesn't want to go dress shopping with you for the 3rd or 4th time doesn't make her selfish- it simply makes her a young woman with her own life to live and her own priorities. Just because they are different from yours doesn't make hers any less valid.

Another thing- is this friend single or dating someone but not yet engaged? If so, looking at rings with you, dress shopping with you, etc... are all HUGE reminders to her that she is alone or that her boyfriend hasn't proposed yet. It could feel like a big slap in the face to her (even though I'm sure it is totally unintentional on your part).

I'm sorry you are feeling frustrated and I'm glad that your mom is able to come out to help you look. I would just focus on that positive point.

Good luck finding a dress at the Brides Against Breast Cancer sale- it is a good cause!!

 

[onedrop]

I''d like to say that I empathize with you...but unfortunately I can''t. I don''t necessarily see your friend''s actions as selfish. She was just being honest....she''d rather not be wedding dress shopping. Maybe she didn''t express herself in the best way, but nonetheless you kinda knew how she felt about the shopping because you had to "drag" her with you. If I were dragged wedding gown shopping I wouldn''t have a very good attitude myself and probably wouldn''t go out of my way to make myself available for that purpose.

Deco is right: you will find along the way that folks (even good friends/family) aren''t going to be as over the moon as you are about your wedding. That said, I am sorry that the shopping hasn''t been what you''d hoped. Hopefully when your Mom comes the experience will be more enjoyable. For the very reasons you are having problems with your friend, I just decided to take my Mom along when I shopped.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 10/4/2007 4:24:32 PM
Author: decodelighted
I''m sorry but I don''t see HER as selfish. It''s not her problem she''s your only friend in the city. She''s already been a few (at least two) times dress-shopping with you. Just because this ''sale'' is important to you doesn''t mean its important to her. You''re expecting too much from this one friend because of your own ''lack of other friends'' situation & your desperation. If you keep that up - she''ll grow resentful & you won''t have ANY friend by the time your wedding rolls around.

Maybe you''re early along in planning -- but it should become evident QUICKLY that no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. Keep your expectations of others REASONABLE and you''ll end up disappointed & frustrated MUCH less often.

luckystar has thick skin!!!!

Awww Misyu. I would have gone with you! Granted I''m just a pricescope poster and not a real friend, but I''ve been in the same situation this whole time. I just bought a dress today (finally!) but if you ever want a final opinion, I''ll come!

 

[goldenstar]

Maybe you can try getting a few NYC Pricescopers to dress shop with you... I bet it would be fun.

 

[karasue91]

Date: 10/4/2007 4:24:32 PM
Author: decodelighted
I''m sorry but I don''t see HER as selfish. It''s not her problem she''s your only friend in the city. She''s already been a few (at least two) times dress-shopping with you. Just because this ''sale'' is important to you doesn''t mean its important to her. You''re expecting too much from this one friend because of your own ''lack of other friends'' situation & your desperation. If you keep that up - she''ll grow resentful & you won''t have ANY friend by the time your wedding rolls around.

Maybe you''re early along in planning -- but it should become evident QUICKLY that no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. Keep your expectations of others REASONABLE and you''ll end up disappointed & frustrated MUCH less often.

Wow my "desperation"? I guess I made myself sound more pathetic than I thought.

luckystar you are right, I guess you need thick skin on here. I''ll keep that in mind next time.

just feeling a little lonely shopping for wedding dresses in this big city when every other girl in the bridal shops have mom/sister/MOH/grandma/cousin-twice-removed with them and the shopgirls look at me like I''m a leper for being alone.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/4/2007 5:11:53 PM
Author: karasue91

Date: 10/4/2007 4:24:32 PM

Author: decodelighted

I''m sorry but I don''t see HER as selfish. It''s not her problem she''s your only friend in the city. She''s already been a few (at least two) times dress-shopping with you. Just because this ''sale'' is important to you doesn''t mean its important to her. You''re expecting too much from this one friend because of your own ''lack of other friends'' situation & your desperation. If you keep that up - she''ll grow resentful & you won''t have ANY friend by the time your wedding rolls around.


Maybe you''re early along in planning -- but it should become evident QUICKLY that no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. Keep your expectations of others REASONABLE and you''ll end up disappointed & frustrated MUCH less often.

Wow my ''desperation''? I guess I made myself sound more pathetic than I thought.


luckystar you are right, I guess you need thick skin on here. I''ll keep that in mind next time.


just feeling a little lonely shopping for wedding dresses in this big city when every other girl in the bridal shops have mom/sister/MOH/grandma/cousin-twice-removed with them and the shopgirls look at me like I''m a leper for being alone.

I understand, it is really hard to be in a new city alone...BUT that being said, unfortunately your friend isn''t being selfish and it sounds like she has already been more than accomodating going shopping multiple times with you.

Just take a deep breath and wait until you think you have found THE GOWN. THEN ask your friend to come and give her opinion once you have it narrowed down to two. It''s hard for someone else to sit around for hours while you try on dress after dress...

Just keep your chin up and make sure you let your friend know how much you appreciate the time she HAS given you to help you find a ring and dress.

Just my .02...

 

[Sabine]

Aw, Karasue, I''m sorry you are having trouble finding someone close to you to go with you. I totally feel for you being in a city, trying to make friends, and not really having any that are close enough to share in your total wedding dress excitement. I''ve lived in my area for 2 years now, and my only friends are my 50-something co-leaders of a youth group and other teachers who are also at least 20 years older than me. (Nothing wrong with this, it''s just that they tend to not want to spend an afternoon shoe shopping with me, and are definitely past the wedding excitement stage). I agree with the other posters that it might be asking a bit much to expect this girl that you are admittedly not that close to to want to spend hours wedding dress shopping with you, but it still stinks that you don''t have anyone else to go with! There''s nothing wrong with going by yourself though! I also liked the advice to make it fun for yourself and really take your time!

 

[Sha]

I agree that you're expecting too much from this friend. Would you have taken her shopping if all your best friends were living in the same city as you?

It's sad that your close friends aren't around, but you can't expect this friend to morph into one of them. She's not your MOH or the friend you've known since high school. You yourself said that those two friends are not "the best friends in the world, but they are good for getting drinks and going shopping and ranting about work". From your own words, she doesn't sound that 'close', so why should she be obligated to go wedding dress shopping with you? As somone else said, it's not her fault that she's the only friend you really have in town.

I think that you're the one almost being a bit selfish in expecting this girl's plans to revolve around you, because you're having a wedding, and she SHOULD be excited and happy for you, and she SHOULD want to do all these weddingy things with you. Depending on her stage in life, going to look at engagement rings and wedding dresses could be an excruciating experience. She might even think you're "shoving it'" in her face a little.

Sorry if that's a bit harsh. I know it sucks not having your close friends around at one of the most exciting times of your life. But that doesn't mean you can push your work friend into that role.

 

[karasue91]

There is a lot of history with her that obviously you all couldn''t possibly know, so this was just a bad post on my part and I didn''t realize it. So it''s totally my fault, I was just sitting here at work stewing about it so I decided to vent!

I do know it''s not her job to come shopping with me, but I really don''t think I have asked too much of her. The 3 other times I have asked her to come to a bridal place with me has been to show her only one or 2 dresses that I had already tried on, and has taken 30 minutes tops. The Brides Against Breast Cancer thing would be a longer time and more to ask, but how many times have I gone with her to do things I don''t really want to do just because I know she needs the support?

I''m really not trying to be a Bridezilla here (but I guess no one TRIES to be a Bridezilla!!). I do know that no one is as into the wedding as I am, however, reading that if I keep this up I''ll have no friends at all was not very helpful from a total stranger. But my best friend is married and understands the excitement and indecision so I do have someone to talk to about things. I just wish she was here!

I''m just so TIRED of worrying about this damn dress!!! It''s exciting and fun to shop but I''m at the point where I really do just need to choose one. Hopefully this BABC thing will have something I like enough to wear because charity is such a better excuse to buy than "But I just really fell in LOVE with it and I had to have it no matter the cost!!" Not that that''s not a valid reason, that''s the point I''ll be at if I don''t find something soon!! I''ll just give in and buy the Melissa Sweet and hope to sell it for a decent amount after the wedding, haha!

Anyways, thanks for reading and sorry for sounding so pathetic and selflish myself!!!!

 

[luckystar112]

Karasue, I LOVED the Dora on you. I think everyone did!! Were you just not feeling it?
I thought it was absolutely gorgeous.

 

[TravelingGal]

I''d be rich if I sold thicker skin around here...

Your initial post reeked of "me me me!" but I understand that you wanted to vent. And I''m sorry you''re feeling a bit alone in this.

I hope you will find the right dress for you. Don''t make thie process miserable for yourself. Don''t force people who don''t want to be helpful. Go, take pics and come back here and post them. We all love a good dress hunt and there are plenty here who would really enjoy seeing 100 dresses on you. Make lemonade, my dear!!!

 

[karasue91]

Date: 10/4/2007 6:33:13 PM
Author: Sha
I agree that you''re expecting too much from this friend. Would you have taken her shopping if all your best friends were living in the same city as you?

It''s sad that your close friends aren''t around, but you can''t expect this friend to morph into one of them. She''s not your MOH or the friend you''ve known since high school. You yourself said that those two friends are not ''the best friends in the world, but they are good for getting drinks and going shopping and ranting about work''. From your own words, she doesn''t sound that ''close'', so why should she be obligated to go wedding dress shopping with you? As somone else said, it''s not her fault that she''s the only friend you really have in town.

I think that you''re the one almost being a bit selfish in expecting this girl''s plans to revolve around you, because you''re having a wedding, and she SHOULD be excited and happy for you, and she SHOULD want to do all these weddingy things with you. Depending on her stage in life, going to look at engagement rings and wedding dresses could be an excruciating experience. She might even think you''re ''shoving it'''' in her face a little.

Sorry if that''s a bit harsh. I know it sucks not having your close friends around at one of the most exciting times of your life. But that doesn''t mean you can push your work friend into that role.

Sha, you are right, I would not have asked her to shop with me if my good friends lived in the same city. I do sometimes feel like I''m trying to push her into being my closer friend even though she has shown several times (totally non-wedding related) that she isn''t that interested in being that close of friends. Maybe I''m being like a little girl on the playground who goes around pulling the other girls hair screaming "be my friend!!". (Does anyone watch Weeds?? There was a great scene last season where Celia does this exact thing to Nancy, hahaha. Although I did feel for Celia....hahaha)

Mom''s coming on Saturday and it''s the first time I''ve seen her since being engaged, so it will be really fun. And no more wedding talk with work people...

 

[karasue91]

Date: 10/4/2007 6:44:10 PM
Author: luckystar112
Karasue, I LOVED the Dora on you. I think everyone did!! Were you just not feeling it?
I thought it was absolutely gorgeous.

I do love the Dora, it''s just the PRICE....!!! Plus I wasn''t sure if it was a little too cutesy, I originally pictured myself in lace but Lord knows I have gone back and forth from lace to satin to Dora and mermaid to sheath to v-neck to strapless!!!! At least there has never been a thought of ball gown or pick-ups...

I''m even annoyed with myself for not picking something and sticking to it!

 

[nebe]

I''m not a BIW or anything, just a lurker to you lucky ladies; in any event, I feel for you Karasue91. I don''t make female friends easily, and I know already when I do get engaged I will be shopping by myself because I only have one close girlfriend (who''s super busy constantly) and I do not speak with my mother.

All I can say is hold your head high, tell yourself you''re worth spending obscene amounts of time shopping until you find the PERFECT gown, and make the whole experience some "YOU" time. I go shopping by myself just so I can be alone sometimes (I live with two boys, man are they loud

) and instead of getting depressed about it, I just pop in some earbuds from my ipod and enjoy taking my time and not worrying about anyone else.

I know it sucks being by yourself sometimes, but it will only get you down if you let it.

Good luck finding your dress! I hope you get just what you always wished for.

Oh, and you could just bring a camera and post for the ladies here to help!

 

[SeattleSweetheart]

I''m sorry you''re having trouble picking a dress. I have friends, but for my first wedding none of them wanted to go dress shopping, so I went by myself.

That marriage didn''t work out. Now I find myself in the same situation that when I get engaged next year, since I still have the same friends, I will still go dress shopping by myself.

The only opinion that matters is your own. Do YOU love the dress?

Good luck! You''re not the only bride shopping for dresses by herself.

I''m sure on your big day you''re going to look fabulous in the dress you pick.

 

[surfgirl]

kara, I think your problem here is that you are asking an acquaintance to do the job of a friend. These two girls are work friends, as you initially pointed out. They are obviously not the level of friends one would ask to go wedding dress shopping. So you have three options as I see it:

1. Put on your big girl panties and go shopping and choose your dress yourself. I did it, I actually rather liked it! Hell, you can take photos and post them here and we''ll all give our two cents to help you decide!

2. Ask some or one of your real friends to make a weekend of it and come to NYC and help you shop. And if you do this, narrow it down to a handful of dresses before they come out.

3. You can make a trip to the city where you have the most friends to go shopping with, and again, make appointments at the local salons and already have it narrowed down to a handful of dresses.

Easy peasy!

 

[karasue91]

nebe and seattlesweetheart, thanks for your kind words. It''s funny, I actually enjoy sho is enoughpping for clothes, shoes, and anything else by myself, but I''m just an indecisive mess!!

Hoping a good cause and my mom being with me will fix my awful wishy-washy mind.

 

[diamondfan]

Kara, I know it must be hard to not have a network there, but I kept reading your post to find something really bad. She is not being horrible or selfish, just doing something on her time off for herself. That hair thing does take hours, and maybe that was the only day she could book it, so try to see it from her side. I am sure if she had nothing else on her schedule she would help you. I went alone when I got engaged, I was 24, and I might have enjoyed a friend's company but honestly sometimes it is nice to just have your own experience without any other input. Honestly, sometimes when we get engaged and that is such a focus for us, we tend to get so caught up we forget that while others might be very happy for us, they do not always have the ability to be supportive in the manner we need or want. I would just be casual about it, extend the invitation and if she can come, hopefully she will, and if not, try to understand she has other things to do as well. But I certainly do not think you are a bridezilla, and the heck with salespeople who make you feel badly! They are there to support and serve YOU.

 

[karasue91]

Date: 10/4/2007 8:16:36 PM
Author: surfgirl
kara, I think your problem here is that you are asking an acquaintance to do the job of a friend. These two girls are work friends, as you initially pointed out. They are obviously not the level of friends one would ask to go wedding dress shopping. So you have three options as I see it:


1. Put on your big girl panties and go shopping and choose your dress yourself. I did it, I actually rather liked it! Hell, you can take photos and post them here and we''ll all give our two cents to help you decide!


2. Ask some or one of your real friends to make a weekend of it and come to NYC and help you shop. And if you do this, narrow it down to a handful of dresses before they come out.


3. You can make a trip to the city where you have the most friends to go shopping with, and again, make appointments at the local salons and already have it narrowed down to a handful of dresses.


Easy peasy!

haha big girl panties...but you are totally right. My problem has been that I''ve been trying to have my cake and eat it too by trying to buy a dress at a sample sale. So, if I''m going to try to do that I need to be able to make a decision on my own like an adult.

Am I the only otherwise confident woman who has turned into a big ball of indecision when it comes to all things wedding?

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 10/4/2007 8:28:30 PM
Author: karasue91

Date: 10/4/2007 8:16:36 PM

Author: surfgirl

kara, I think your problem here is that you are asking an acquaintance to do the job of a friend. These two girls are work friends, as you initially pointed out. They are obviously not the level of friends one would ask to go wedding dress shopping. So you have three options as I see it:



1. Put on your big girl panties and go shopping and choose your dress yourself. I did it, I actually rather liked it! Hell, you can take photos and post them here and we''ll all give our two cents to help you decide!



2. Ask some or one of your real friends to make a weekend of it and come to NYC and help you shop. And if you do this, narrow it down to a handful of dresses before they come out.



3. You can make a trip to the city where you have the most friends to go shopping with, and again, make appointments at the local salons and already have it narrowed down to a handful of dresses.



Easy peasy!

haha big girl panties...but you are totally right. My problem has been that I''ve been trying to have my cake and eat it too by trying to buy a dress at a sample sale. So, if I''m going to try to do that I need to be able to make a decision on my own like an adult.


Am I the only otherwise confident woman who has turned into a big ball of indecision when it comes to all things wedding?

No, kara, you''re not. I travel all over the world on my own, go to strange places alone in the name of work, and I felt unsure when I was picking out my dress. I had back and forth panics that I made the wrong decision but in the end I chose the right dress for me and you''ll do the same! Just dont let your emotions go crazy. Be pragmatic. Dont try on dresses outside your price range, for starters. Figure out which cuts and styles look best on your figure. Dont try to put a style that doesn''t flatter your body type on your body and force it to work. It wont. You''ll know when the right dress is there because you look and feel different in it. Trust your instincts!

 

[Kaleigh]

I think you''ve been given some good advice, so won''t comment further. But I would love to see the dress you choose, so please post some pics once you make the final decision.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I understand that you are hurt but you must know how boring dress shopping is! I only went to one place. I think we were there for a few hours and in the end I bought my dress. I thought my sister was going to DIE. My mom and MIl were in *slightly* better shape but I could tell they were THRILLED to get out of there. I don''t think they would have agreed to go to 3 + more dress shops and my sister was my MOH. I can''t say I blame them.

I know you are lonely and missing your close friends. Are any of them planning to visit you soon? Maybe thanksgiving? You could go then.

 

[decodelighted]

I apologize if my tone came across as too harsh. Your expectations sounded *so* unreasonable to me and you seemed *so* sure you were "justified" and that she was "selfish" I may have gone overboard in stating MY (relatively objective) view.

I didn''t mean to imply you''d chase all your friends away -- but that if you persisted in trying to make casual friends into MOH-friends & holding them up to MOH/best friend standards .. that you might chase THOSE friends away. As they didn''t sign up for MOH duties & you don''t even like them that much anyway! ("They aren''t the best friends in the world")

Personally, I don''t think you''re desperate or pathetic at all! Just caught up in the bridal whirl & coming to terms with the realities of your situation & the process. Especially after seeing your last few posts ..

Good luck with the sale! I think you''ll know the dress when you see it/feel it no matter who else is there!

 

[karasue91]

Date: 10/4/2007 9:22:24 PM
Author: decodelighted
I apologize if my tone came across as too harsh. Your expectations sounded *so* unreasonable to me and you seemed *so* sure you were ''justified'' and that she was ''selfish'' I may have gone overboard in stating MY (relatively objective) view.


I didn''t mean to imply you''d chase all your friends away -- but that if you persisted in trying to make casual friends into MOH-friends & holding them up to MOH/best friend standards .. that you might chase THOSE friends away. As they didn''t sign up for MOH duties & you don''t even like them that much anyway! (''They aren''t the best friends in the world'')


Personally, I don''t think you''re desperate or pathetic at all! Just caught up in the bridal whirl & coming to terms with the realities of your situation & the process. Especially after seeing your last few posts ..

Good luck with the sale! I think you''ll know the dress when you see it/feel it no matter who else is there!

Thanks deco

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

What about your FI? My mom couldn''t come to 2 of the stores and my BMs are in other cities so he came with me. I don''t blame you for not wanting t go alone, I didn''t either.
If it is an emotional thing about "wow! I''m in a wedding dress!" then remember that it is just clothes. (I try to myself the same thing with really nice shoes I can''t afford

)
If the problem is indecive, don;t worry. You are probably indecicive because you have too many good choices.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 10/4/2007 9:38:56 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
What about your FI? My mom couldn''t come to 2 of the stores and my BMs are in other cities so he came with me. I don''t blame you for not wanting t go alone, I didn''t either.
If it is an emotional thing about ''wow! I''m in a wedding dress!'' then remember that it is just clothes. (I try to myself the same thing with really nice shoes I can''t afford

)
If the problem is indecive, don;t worry. You are probably indecicive because you have too many good choices.

My husband and I chose my dress together, heck I wasn''t going to be looking at me all day he was and I figured he''d better like what he saw! It was so fun to go with him, he went to several of my fittings with me as well and I flounced all around and my seamstress got a total kick out of him and us. I''d do it all over again if I could, I got to see that "wow" face at least 5 times before our wedding.

 

[MoonWater]

Look on the bright side, if you do make the "wrong" decision with the dress, you only have to wear it once! Just make sure you do a good job on the ring!!