Very, very disappointed.

[Codependent Gal]

I am not proud of the way I was acting, but I felt that it was almost out of my control. I hated that I had to sit and wait for him to make up his mind, I hated that it seemed like I had no say in my future. I hated that the weeks were going by and nothing was happening, and I hated him for continuing to tell me that he was going to do it and that he was going to do it soon. I was out of the country where I had no friends, no job, no car and my cell phone wouldn''t even work. I only had him and the only reason I did it was because he promised me that we were going to get engaged. I literally had no one to vent my frustrations to besides him. I know now that I shouldn''t have ever given up so much to be with someone who didn''t give much in return.

I think that a lot of guys don''t mind making statements such as "Oh, I think we''ll get engaged next year", or "We can get engaged after I buy a house" or various other excuses. I don''t think that they (the guys) realize that when they say that they''ll get engaged the next year that their girlfriends have made a mental notes of the date and are expecting it to happen. I know that a lot of women start planning the wedding before the guy even proposes and I think that is a bad idea.

I hope that maybe my story might help someone who is going through the same thing. There is no reason to drag it out for so long. If he had wanted to marry me he would have asked me. He should have never led me on the way that he did, and I guess that I shouldn''t have ran my mouth until he actually did it. I just wanted it to happen so badly that I was so happy that he finally said that he wanted to do it. I don''t plan on ever seeing him again. I have some of his stuff that is going to have to be returned eventually but I think that I will make my sister arrange the return of it. I know that I have a problem when it comes to him, I hope that I have the will power to stay away from him, but I have a feeling that he is going to try to contact me. I was thinking about taking one of those teaching positions in another country for a year just so I won''t have to worry about seeing him anywhere/

 

[Bia]

It sounds like you did the right thing then. I didn''t realize you were here before...I am new so I don''t really know your story.

I hope the best of everything comes your way...

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 5/9/2008 4:10:43 PM
Author: Codependent Gal
I am not proud of the way I was acting, but I felt that it was almost out of my control. I hated that I had to sit and wait for him to make up his mind, I hated that it seemed like I had no say in my future. I hated that the weeks were going by and nothing was happening, and I hated him for continuing to tell me that he was going to do it and that he was going to do it soon. I was out of the country where I had no friends, no job, no car and my cell phone wouldn''t even work. I only had him and the only reason I did it was because he promised me that we were going to get engaged. I literally had no one to vent my frustrations to besides him. I know now that I shouldn''t have ever given up so much to be with someone who didn''t give much in return.

I think that a lot of guys don''t mind making statements such as ''Oh, I think we''ll get engaged next year'', or ''We can get engaged after I buy a house'' or various other excuses. I don''t think that they (the guys) realize that when they say that they''ll get engaged the next year that their girlfriends have made a mental notes of the date and are expecting it to happen. I know that a lot of women start planning the wedding before the guy even proposes and I think that is a bad idea.

I hope that maybe my story might help someone who is going through the same thing. There is no reason to drag it out for so long. If he had wanted to marry me he would have asked me. He should have never led me on the way that he did, and I guess that I shouldn''t have ran my mouth until he actually did it. I just wanted it to happen so badly that I was so happy that he finally said that he wanted to do it. I don''t plan on ever seeing him again. I have some of his stuff that is going to have to be returned eventually but I think that I will make my sister arrange the return of it. I know that I have a problem when it comes to him, I hope that I have the will power to stay away from him, but I have a feeling that he is going to try to contact me. I was thinking about taking one of those teaching positions in another country for a year just so I won''t have to worry about seeing him anywhere/

Don''t beat yourself up over this--if you''d acted like a perfect angel, you would STILL be in this situation. His inability to commit has nothing to do with you--don''t forget that.

When this is over, you''ll wonder why you stayed for so long to begin with. It''s safe to say you''ll never be in this situation again!

 

[surfgirl]

I'm sorry you're going through a break up because that's never a fun time and we've all been through it.

That said, I do have to "Ditto" what some others have said. You say it's not about the ring but yet when you talk about what happened it seems to all revolve around whether or not he's getting you a ring. I know a lot of ladies here, when called out on this ring thing, get defensive and say "well, I didn't really mean it, I'd marry him with no ring..." but honestly, I think what people say on a forum is probably more real and honest than what they might say in real life because let's be honest, it's way easier to say things anonymously on an online forum, than to real people you have real relationships with. I say this because when people seem to put the ring or the dress or the wedding before the relationship, I tend to think that deep down, that IS really what's going on. I also think that the snooping is really REALLY unhealthy and regardless of whether or not he "knows" you snoop, it's not right, IMO. To me, that's a clear sign of not being ready to be married and it's also a clear red flag that there is a lack of basic trust - which is probably the most important element to a healthy marriage.

Dont get me wrong, I'm not trying to be mean to you at time when you're already feeling bad. But I do think it's really important for you to be straight with YOURSELF, especially in such a pivotal life moment. Really really honest. I mean look at your user name - "Codependent Gal"? The first time I saw that I thought "Huh, why would anyone actually call themselves that??" Perhaps there's something there that bears looking into? I dont know you IRL so I have no idea. But from what you posted above and previously, this relationship hasn't seemed to be in the "healthy and mature" phase for a long time now (is it possible you were indeed too codependent on this guy and lost who you were?).

Anyway, I give you props for breaking things off and I hope that you will take a good long time to look at you and your priorities and come to some sort of happiness within yourself, before embarking on another serious relationship. A counselor might be really useful to help get you through this time. Good luck to you.

ETA: I just read your latest post and I wanted to say that you NEVER have to just "sit around waiting for him" to make decisions. YOU ALWAYS have the power to chart your own destiny. Always.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 5/9/2008 4:16:17 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady

Don''t beat yourself up over this--if you''d acted like a perfect angel, you would STILL be in this situation. His inability to commit has nothing to do with you--don''t forget that.

When this is over, you''ll wonder why you stayed for so long to begin with. It''s safe to say you''ll never be in this situation again!

As always, NEL''s experience is very important to hear and if anyone here knows where you are coming from, it''s probably her.

Don''t beat yourself up over how you acted previously. It''s all water under the bridge now. Use this relationship as valuable life lesson. Most of all, I sincerely hope that this entire situation, while painful right now, ultimately gives you an amazing boost of confidence and shows you that you are completely in control of your life no matter how difficult the decisions may be.

Sometimes we can suprise ourselves with how strong we really are.

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 5/9/2008 1:52:03 PM
Author: Bia
I think it is important to try and understand that just because he isn''t ready, doesn''t mean he won''t be at some point. It really depends on how long you''re willing to wait.

I don''t know. I guess I just think that marriage is such a commitment...something one person shouldn''t pressure the other to do if they aren''t ready...unless it looks as though the person scared of committing will never commit. In that case, it is good to break ties and heal in order to move on. You said two years together? Maybe he needs a little more time but only you can really know the answer to that.

I agree with this. If you have to pressure someone into doing something as serious as marriage, then you shouldn''t want to be married to them. You should wait until THEY are ready, and THEY have made a decision in their own mind about marrying.

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 5/9/2008 3:00:54 PM
Author: TravelingGal
If you think you will go back to this cycle of nuttiness, then by all means, feel free to read my opinion.

It''s an age old question here on the LIW forum...what do you really want? The man? The marriage? The ring? The wedding? Majority would, of course, say the man and marriage. But then I have to ask, why does so much of the zany behavior actually revolve around the ring? You said,

''Then we had another talk about marriage. I asked him if he had some kind of plan or if there was a ring being made for me. I told him that I would only stay with him if he had already been actively looking for a ring.''

Seriously, how would you take it if your man said, ''Honey, I am only going to stay with you if you have been actively researching a big screen TV, and oh yeah, throw in some superbowl tickets too. That''s the only way I know you really love me.'' Huh? Who the HECK wants to hear that? Your talk ''about marriage'' was NOT about marriage from what you have posted here. It was about JEWELRY.

Do you really want this period of your life to be filled with tears, snooping, threats and breakdowns? Would most men want to be engaged/married to a woman who is in tears, snoops, makes threats and has breakdowns?

I don''t believe that it all has to be about HIS timeline and his wants and needs. Yours are important too. But right now your fantasies of engagement (telling everyone you know, etc) have spiraled out of control. Whether you go back to him or find someone new, you need a mindset shift, in my opinion. With all this crying and yelling on both your parts, neither of you seem ready for a solid marriage because trust me...

Great post. 100% truth. You probably scared the hell out of him with the snooping and the constant talk about it.

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 5/9/2008 3:41:37 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Ummm, Bliss just how much longer should she give this little boy to grow up? I mean seriously? Is he some sort of prize or something? What does she ''win'' in this contest? Him?

Why was she dating him for 2 years if she didn''t think he was a prize?

 

[Pandora II]

I'm sorry that you have been through all this pain and disappointment, but I'm not sorry that you have made the decision you have.

There are a few red flags that indicate to me that you're fundamentally not happy in this relationship.

The main one being that you feel the need to check his computer and emails. This is so not healthy. I've been there - a relationship with a man where I would have paid $$$$ to spend 10 minutes inside his head to know what he was really thinking and feeling. Where I snopped as much as possible to try and work out what the heck was going on.

Since I've been with FI (nearly 4 years) I have never opened his post, read his emails, checked his computer or as much as picked up his mobile phone. I don't need to, and I don't need to spend time in his head.

Trust me it feels much better that way!

I may be reading your post differently from others, but I took what you said about the ring etc that you felt it would be a physical proof that he had got over his fears and was ready to make a concrete decision which he couldn't then go back on and try and make it seem as if the words had never been said, rather than that the ring was more important than the relationship.

After all, it's easy to say words, actions speak a bit louder. Not that things can't unravel once the ring is on your finger, but at least he would have made some kind of public statement.

The whole ring/man/marriage thing is tricky. I was in that position when my FI had explained to me that he wanted to be with me permanently, buy a house, have some kids - but didn't agree with marriage in principle. I had very different views and took the risk of telling him it wasn't negotiable. If he had called my bluff I don't know what I would have done to be honest - I mean, why would I walk away from the man I wanted to marry because of the lack of a piece of paper?

But I knew that compromising my feelings would ultimately breed resentment and that would not be healthy for either of us so I had to be honest with him about what I wanted - as he was with me. In the end it came down to my deeply caring about getting married to him and him not caring FOR marriage as an institution - hence we are getting married.

That is a very different situation from someone not knowing if they are ready to make a serious life-long commitment or if they are with the right person.

I think you have made the right decision and that if nothing else you will have learnt a lot about yourself. I would seriously consider taking some time for yourself before dating anyone.

I hear you on the not seeing him. Trust me, keep as far away as possible. You don't want to see this man again. He hasn't had the balls to tell you what he is feeling for months and you don't need anymore disappointment.

Your user name has always worried me. Co-dependence is a form of addiction and doesn't lead to happiness. Buy a copy of "Women Who Love Too Much' or consider getting some proper counselling before you fall into the patterns.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 5/9/2008 4:36:02 PM
Author: Pandora II
Your user name has always worried me. Co-dependence is a form of addiction and doesn''t lead to happiness.

I don''t want to pile on ... but ditto. I''d say this after you''ve healed a bit but I don''t know if you''ll be back. Maybe read this again in a couple of months & you might feel differently about some of the advice or absorb it a bit more then.

Words are powerful ... you user name being "codependent girl" and your quote about unrequited love ... those are stories you''re telling yourself ABOUT yourself. Until YOU truly believe differently about yourself you''re not going to attract or create a different outcome. But that''s not even gonna make sense right now. Right now you''re hurting & I''m sorry. I do believe that later on you''ll see how this was a necessary growth period for you in which you''ll change your definition of love & hopefully decide to require more before giving so much in the future. With the pain comes growth & experience & perhaps more foresight. Don''t beat yourself up about what''s happened in *this* relationship. (As NEL was saying) Just don''t repeat it.

 

[Po10472]

Date: 5/9/2008 4:10:43 PM
Author: Codependent Gal
I hated that I had to sit and wait for him to make up his mind, I hated that it seemed like I had no say in my future.

Ok, now I know that tradition dictates the man asks the woman and yada yada............I''ll not go on cos we know the drill, but HEY, this is 2008, if you wanted to marry him so much and it wasn''t about the ring, the dress, the ceremony etc, and you wanted a say in your future, why didn''t you ask him?????

That aside....

I''m genuinley sorry that you''re upset and sad and going through a transitional period just now but you need to close the door on that time of your life, be strong and start taking it a day at a time to build your future, the one you have a say in. Its extremely hard when your life changes 360 degrees but time is the healer and you will get through this.

Sometimes home truths are what we need at this time and there are often pearls of wisdom that we don''t appreciate when we''re going thro a rough patch, initially we feel resentful, but they creep into our heads as time marches on and we then understand the meaning behind them...........something that will always stay with me which I heard after I had broken up from my 10-year relationship was a quote from When Harry Met Sally........"All this time I thought he didn''t want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn''t want to marry me."

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/9/2008 3:00:54 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Is it really too late? If you are really moving on because you don''t want to be with a man who can''t commit to marriage (a valid reason, IMHO) good for you...I hope you stick to your guns and what I say below is a moot point, so ignore.


If you think you will go back to this cycle of nuttiness, then by all means, feel free to read my opinion.


It''s an age old question here on the LIW forum...what do you really want? The man? The marriage? The ring? The wedding? Majority would, of course, say the man and marriage. But then I have to ask, why does so much of the zany behavior actually revolve around the ring? You said,


''Then we had another talk about marriage. I asked him if he had some kind of plan or if there was a ring being made for me. I told him that I would only stay with him if he had already been actively looking for a ring.''


Seriously, how would you take it if your man said, ''Honey, I am only going to stay with you if you have been actively researching a big screen TV, and oh yeah, throw in some superbowl tickets too. That''s the only way I know you really love me.'' Huh? Who the HECK wants to hear that? Your talk ''about marriage'' was NOT about marriage from what you have posted here. It was about JEWELRY.


Do you really want this period of your life to be filled with tears, snooping, threats and breakdowns? Would most men want to be engaged/married to a woman who is in tears, snoops, makes threats and has breakdowns?


I don''t believe that it all has to be about HIS timeline and his wants and needs. Yours are important too. But right now your fantasies of engagement (telling everyone you know, etc) have spiraled out of control. Whether you go back to him or find someone new, you need a mindset shift, in my opinion. With all this crying and yelling on both your parts, neither of you seem ready for a solid marriage because trust me...


The bling of your diamond will shine and sparkle long after the luster of romance and excitement dulls. Come to marriage with all your marbles, grit, determination, realism and your best polishing cloth because marriage is WORK. Think about that more than you think about platinum or white gold.

ditto 100%. I''m really sorry that you''re hurting. If you really don''t want to rekindle things with him, then do as NEL suggests-change your email and number.

 

[Blair138]

Date: 5/9/2008 4:10:43 PM
Author: Codependent Gal


I think that a lot of guys don''t mind making statements such as ''Oh, I think we''ll get engaged next year'', or ''We can get engaged after I buy a house'' or various other excuses. I don''t think that they (the guys) realize that when they say that they''ll get engaged the next year that their girlfriends have made a mental notes of the date and are expecting it to happen. I know that a lot of women start planning the wedding before the guy even proposes and I think that is a bad idea.


/

You are 100% on this one-my BF did this to me and then went back on his original timeline WITHOUT DISCUSSING ANYTHING WITH ME. I think a lot of men are guilty of this because they do not think like women. Or maybe women are guilty of taking things too literally and hanging on their words. Whatever the case, your emotions were justified, the same thing happened to me, but a little less dramatic, long story short, I ended up screaming and crying. We came to an agreement and a deadline (BF IMPOSED NOT ME). God forbid he doesn''t make it, I will leave.

Regardless of what happened, good for you for leaving. DO NOT CAVE IN, TAKE HIS CALLS, OR GO BACK TO HIM. Looking back on this, you will see that this is the best decision you could have made. Good luck to you.

 

[Laila619]

Date: 5/9/2008 1:08:04 PM
Author:Codependent Gal
I know that I deserve to be with a person who is able to love me as much as I love them and I know that I deserve to be with someone who is able and willing to make a commitment to me. We all do. Thanks again for reading!

I am so sorry for what you''ve been through, but you are right about this. We ALL deserve men who are happy and willing to make a commitment to us. You will find someone better who will be eager to make you his wife. This guy was not it. I know it''s hard, but you''re a strong person. You will meet the right one, and you will end up being happy that this guy couldn''t get his act together. It''s his loss!

 

[redfaerythinker]

Oh no. Well it seems that you can finally get on with your life so that you can find Mr. Right. All I can do is give you big virtual HUGS

 

[Laila619]

Date: 5/9/2008 3:18:26 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 5/9/2008 1:08:04 PM
Author:Codependent Gal
I don''t know why he kept insisting that he was going to do it when he knew that he had no ring and that he wasn''t going to do it.

Did you read what you wrote? Heck, I can answer that one and so can almost anyone else reading. He said he would do it because you made it clear that you would leave if he didn''t. It''s the same reason he kept stalling - to buy himself time. He didn''t want to go without the relationship, the sex, the whatever. Men who want to get married do so. They do it without email hints, being dragged into the mall, tears, pleading, pressure, or all of the other ''tactics'' that I see being discussed on PS.

Very true. He was lying to you to buy more time. Who wants a man who gives his word and then doesn''t keep it?

 

[kittybean]

I was so sad to read your story. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and may your heart heal soon!

I have many friends who have had their own terrible, heartbreaking experiences with their respective Princes Not-So-Charming. It is always so awful to have a good friend treated like less than what she is worth. That said, a significant portion of these ladies who have had the courage to really leave the difficult guy have found true love not too long after. It appears that once they got up the gumption to cease all contact with the bad guy and regain their self-confidence, men (good ones!) were lining up to date them. Three of my friends who previously languished for years in unhappy relationships much like yours are now either engaged or married to the man of their dreams (in all cases a different man).

My favorite story is of my friend Jamie who spent ten years with a guy named Jamie only to have him decide he wasn''t ready for "commitment" when she finally confronted him with a marriage ultimatum. TEN YEARS! She eventually cut off all contact with him, and shortly thereafter met a great guy that she will marry in August after two years of dating. Her new man is a Prince Charming in every sense of the term, and her longtime dream of a fairytale wedding is coming true. (The new guy is NOT named Jamie!)

My point is that you need to STAY STRONG, have confidence in yourself, and believe in your heart that you will find someone who loves you and wants to commit to you based on a mutually beneficial relationship. Don''t give your ex any more chances--he does not deserve them.

 

[Ms.Lola]

I''m really sorry to hear your story too. Sadly, it reminds me a lot of my situation just over a year ago. I was waiting and waiting for my BF of 7 years to man up and really be commited. It wasn''t even about marriage/engagement--it was more just that he had "commitment" issues and wasn''t sure he even wanted to be with me at all, like dating even. I was so sad and couldn''t understand how he could do that to me, cuz I''m so cool and smart and loveable (or so my friends say ) and I kept thinking there was something wrong with me. I, too, cringed when I read about your acts of desperation because I''d been there myself. THEN HE broke up with ME--I didn''t even have the guts/strength to do it myself, even though I knew I should for months,

Date: 5/9/2008 9:28:59 PM
Author: kittybean

My favorite story is of my friend Jamie who spent ten years with a guy named Jamie only to have him decide he wasn''t ready for ''commitment'' when she finally confronted him with a marriage ultimatum. TEN YEARS! She eventually cut off all contact with him, and shortly thereafter met a great guy that she will marry in August after two years of dating. Her new man is a Prince Charming in every sense of the term, and her longtime dream of a fairytale wedding is coming true. (The new guy is NOT named Jamie!)

This story reminds me of me. The good news is, sometimes karma really kicks in. Within weeks of breaking up I met my own Prince Charming, and let me tell you: (1) I NEVER would have thought there could be someone so right for me, and (2) that thought that "oh i''ll never find anyone, much less anyone better than ex" is WRONG! It is possible to feel real joy and not have to have "the relationship" (or talks about it) consume the relationship, if you know what I mean. Now after just over a year of dating we are already talking about marriage (and actually started talking about it after only 6 months or so, just cuz we got that "when you know you know" feeling) and I''ve never had to force the issue. He actually brought it up first with me.

Also, sometimes it all boils down to timing and compatibility My current BF was in a relationship for 5 years before ours in which he was the commitment-phobic one and drove his ex crazy for years before breaking it off with her...sometimes, it just isn''t right between two people, but when you''re young it''s hard to know what''s right and what isn''t in relationships, if you don''t have a lot of experience to compare it to (not saying you and your ex are young/don''t have experience, this has just been an observation of mine). But he kept telling her he just wasn''t ready to commit, when in fact it was that he wasn''t ready to commit to her. Trust me, you will find a man who is not only ready to commit, but commit to you!

I''m sorry if this post comes across as me flaunting my success story/rubbing stuff in--I REALLY just want you to know that I (as many other women here) have been through this VERY situation and have emerged with my head on my shoulders and happier than I ever was before.

 

[diamondfan]

Cold feet is somewhat normal, but I think a man knows when he is ready. I am sorry you had to go through this. But I would walk away and try to move on. I am not in doubt that you loved him, nor I am in doubt he loved you, he just could not go the final step. And of course, when pressured by you (rightly or not, I am not judging) he stalled and strung you along because even if he could not pull that trigger, he did not want you out of his life. He was maybe being selfish and trying to prolong your time together knowing that you wanted something he would not be giving you. Love is not always enough. I understand loving him and being willing to be a bit patient to see if he would propose, but how long are you supposed to wait? Even if he is the love of your life and you care nothing about the diamond or a fancy wedding, how long are you expected to stay if he will not ask you to be his wife? I hope it gets easier for you. Maybe, when you are 100% gone, he will realize what he had, get some help so that he can identify his issues and figure out WHY he could not commit...not sure, but maybe. I would not hold my breath for it, and I would go on about my life.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 5/9/2008 4:22:55 PM
Author: surfgirl
I''m sorry you''re going through a break up because that''s never a fun time and we''ve all been through it.

That said, I do have to ''Ditto'' what some others have said. You say it''s not about the ring but yet when you talk about what happened it seems to all revolve around whether or not he''s getting you a ring. I know a lot of ladies here, when called out on this ring thing, get defensive and say ''well, I didn''t really mean it, I''d marry him with no ring...'' but honestly, I think what people say on a forum is probably more real and honest than what they might say in real life because let''s be honest, it''s way easier to say things anonymously on an online forum, than to real people you have real relationships with. I say this because when people seem to put the ring or the dress or the wedding before the relationship, I tend to think that deep down, that IS really what''s going on. I also think that the snooping is really REALLY unhealthy and regardless of whether or not he ''knows'' you snoop, it''s not right, IMO. To me, that''s a clear sign of not being ready to be married and it''s also a clear red flag that there is a lack of basic trust - which is probably the most important element to a healthy marriage.

Dont get me wrong, I''m not trying to be mean to you at time when you''re already feeling bad. But I do think it''s really important for you to be straight with YOURSELF, especially in such a pivotal life moment. Really really honest. I mean look at your user name - ''Codependent Gal''? The first time I saw that I thought ''Huh, why would anyone actually call themselves that??'' Perhaps there''s something there that bears looking into? I dont know you IRL so I have no idea. But from what you posted above and previously, this relationship hasn''t seemed to be in the ''healthy and mature'' phase for a long time now (is it possible you were indeed too codependent on this guy and lost who you were?).

Anyway, I give you props for breaking things off and I hope that you will take a good long time to look at you and your priorities and come to some sort of happiness within yourself, before embarking on another serious relationship. A counselor might be really useful to help get you through this time. Good luck to you.

ETA: I just read your latest post and I wanted to say that you NEVER have to just ''sit around waiting for him'' to make decisions. YOU ALWAYS have the power to chart your own destiny. Always.

Ditto to all of this! Especially the s/n part.

But I wanted to add that I think a lot of us have been following your story. It''s always made me so sad because I could tell, even then, how fed-up you were. I know how frustrating it is to have to wait for your proposal (I was a crazy LIW too), but at the same time I just gotta say that it sounds like he was under a ton of pressure by you. I mean, you snooped and saw that he asked his friend about rings... instead of being happy you got mad because you assumed he already had it. But you would have been mad if there was no sign of a ring too. Then you say you broke down every sunday after another weekend passed with no proposal. To him, or to yourself? Perhaps I''m reading it wrong, but it sounds like from the time you got back down there to the time you left was only a matter of a few weeks at the most? Maybe that''s why it seems so pushy to me.

I don''t know, to me it sounds like he was making progress and you spooked him by begging and ranting. Although other are right that all these steps on his part may have been made because you threateed him...but I tend to give the benefit of the doubt. I definitely think that if this is going to work you need to let him come to you, but I also think you need to cut him some slack.

 

[beebrisk]

Date: 5/10/2008 1:15:26 AM
Author: luckystar11

I don''t know, to me it sounds like he was making progress and you spooked him by begging and ranting. Although other are right that all these steps on his part may have been made because you threateed him...but I tend to give the benefit of the doubt. I definitely think that if this is going to work you need to let him come to you, but I also think you need to cut him some slack.

Wow...that''s exactly what I was thinking.

It does sound like he was making progress! When one guy tells another guy he''s ''gearing up for a proposal'', you can be pretty certain it''s the truth. After all, if he was only telling you what you wanted to hear to hold on to you for awhile and had no intention to marry you, why would he talk about proposal with his buddy? Makes no sense to me.

The fact that he didn''t give you a ring the nano-second you wanted one doesn''t mean he isn''t ready to marry you. Give the guy a break! This is huge. Let him breathe a little and get used to the idea. Talking about engagement and actually presenting a woman with a ring and asking the question are two different things. The threats and timelines and behind-his-back email readings didn''t help, I''m sure.

I would say that you were as big a factor in this proposal not happening as he was. I think your behavior seems a bit self-destructive, to be honest. Sorry, but no man is going to propose to a woman in the midst of this kind of hysteria.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 5/9/2008 3:00:54 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Is it really too late? If you are really moving on because you don''t want to be with a man who can''t commit to marriage (a valid reason, IMHO) good for you...I hope you stick to your guns and what I say below is a moot point, so ignore.


If you think you will go back to this cycle of nuttiness, then by all means, feel free to read my opinion.


It''s an age old question here on the LIW forum...what do you really want? The man? The marriage? The ring? The wedding? Majority would, of course, say the man and marriage. But then I have to ask, why does so much of the zany behavior actually revolve around the ring? You said,


''Then we had another talk about marriage. I asked him if he had some kind of plan or if there was a ring being made for me. I told him that I would only stay with him if he had already been actively looking for a ring.''


Seriously, how would you take it if your man said, ''Honey, I am only going to stay with you if you have been actively researching a big screen TV, and oh yeah, throw in some superbowl tickets too. That''s the only way I know you really love me.'' Huh? Who the HECK wants to hear that? Your talk ''about marriage'' was NOT about marriage from what you have posted here. It was about JEWELRY.


Do you really want this period of your life to be filled with tears, snooping, threats and breakdowns? Would most men want to be engaged/married to a woman who is in tears, snoops, makes threats and has breakdowns?


I don''t believe that it all has to be about HIS timeline and his wants and needs. Yours are important too. But right now your fantasies of engagement (telling everyone you know, etc) have spiraled out of control. Whether you go back to him or find someone new, you need a mindset shift, in my opinion. With all this crying and yelling on both your parts, neither of you seem ready for a solid marriage because trust me...


The bling of your diamond will shine and sparkle long after the luster of romance and excitement dulls. Come to marriage with all your marbles, grit, determination, realism and your best polishing cloth because marriage is WORK. Think about that more than you think about platinum or white gold.

Oh sweetheart. don''t be too hard on yourself. I agree with TravellingGal that the ''perfect ring'' is not the divine sign that he is perfect for you...yet, you needing that perfect ring is a sign that things had really gotten out of hand. It''s his fault don''t feel bad. I can guess from here that his finding you the perfect ring was not actually the big deal... it was that the perfect ring, on your finger, would be the final, unalterable truth that he was DOING something to take you to wedded life. A proposal, even a lodged wedding licence, may not have convinced you or reassured you, perhaps? Sometimes guys just sit on their hands until it is actually a disaster, and there is no way of ever settling the poor woman''s mind. Calm, and silence is really what you both need...probably for a really really long time...
It''s not your fault, and it''s not even his... please, do not get sucked into a repeated ''communication'' cycle with him, I agree that it is absolutely VITAL that you minimise contact and make absolutely EVERY SINGLE EFFORT RIGHT FROM NOW to circulate, socialise with desirable men (yes, dress well and make yourself flirt) and try to avoid the loneliness and isolation that can come from making an active change in your life. Yes, you must move on...book your time as much as possible, perhaps take on some coursework or make a lifestyle change. Above all, DO NOT DWELL. Recovering from a romance is soooo important, a bad recovery can come back to bite you, even years later when you DO find the one who deserves your love. DO NOT PLAY MIND GAMES with yourself!!! Even on PS, marriage is actually about the plans together, and the life together - perhaps the children together - that come with commitment. It''s also about dirty clothes and bad breath and growing older...cleaning house and doing the same boring things over and over and over sometimes

Don''t be sad if romantic feelings have turned out to be flights of fancy. Recovery is the most important aspect of the romance, it allows you to walk into the future enriched by your experiences, not reduced by them. Become an even better, stronger person for the lifemate that is yet to find you. That special person will appreciate you making the effort right now!

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Sounds like you were ready to give up the world for him but he wasn''t for you. I think it was a good thing to end this relationship. No matter what reason he had for not marrying you, he was obviously not ready and at the same stage in his life as you. It''s sad but sometimes that happens - people who spend years together outgrow each other and end up on separate paths. I think sometimes in life you have to let people go - not matter how much you love them and they love you. A marriage takes MORE than just love. It takes commitment, honestly, loyalty, and a strong friendship. He may have loved you, but it doesn''t sound like he was committed, loyal or honest. Yes you were wrong for pressuring him but don''t beat yourself up over it - people do crazy things when they are in love and desperate for someone to want them the way they want their partner. I am sure 99% of us have all been there in our past.

I think you did the best thing. And to be honest, I know many women who have left their men cause their bf weren''t ready to get married, and the men came crawling back with a proposal in hand. If this doesn''t smarten him up and realize how much he needs you, then he wasn''t worth it anyway. You deserve to be with someone who is crazy about you, and wants to spend every living day of his life with you. You will find that person - you just have to stay strong and be happy being by yourself first.