Waiting, waiting, waiting...

[bee*]

Date: 2/6/2009 5:16:36 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 2/6/2009 4:59:53 PM

Author: brooklyngirl

Chocolate,


I think it really boils down to how sure you are of yourself, and your feelings. He''s able to make you feel guilty about YOUR NEEDS because you''re unsure of yourself, and have some skepticism about whether you are absolutely right in your expectations of him.


Once you stop doubting yourself, he won''t be able to make you feel guilty. He should feel guilty, not you.


Marriage changes a lot of things for you. Aside from legalilties, you have a different status in the family once you''re married. I''m not sure what your relationship is like with his family, but even if they currently treat you like family, when you get married, it does change. Once you''re really part of the family, people will see you, and your relationship as more solid, and treat you accordingly.


You deserve to have your needs met. You met his need, and bought the house with him, where, exactly, is his end of the bargain?


Dammit, I''m really frustrated for you

Ditto.


He''s making you feel guilty about asking for something you need. It''s okay to need marriage. It really is. It doesn''t make you a bad person. It''s also okay to need him more than you need marriage, as long as you make the concious choice and are truly, 100% okay with it, which it doesn''t sound like you are.


You bought a house with him, for Pete''s sake, and he won''t discuss marriage without making you feel badly about it! That''s ridiculous. You deserve open communication without guilt.


Seriously, turn it around the next time he pulls the ''Well, you can''t really love me that much'' cr*p. ''Well, how much can you honestly love me if you''re willing to sleep with me but not marry me?'' It sounds like he''s counting on you to fold every time, and he''s getting exactly what he wants.


I''m so steamed up about this. I just hate to see such a sweet person in pain, and to know that it''s somebody you love doing it to you. Sammyj is right, he''s sweeping your feelings under the rug and that''s just not fair.

I totally agree with these girls but also with Gwen when she says



If you truly want to stay with him no matter how long it takes, then I think you need to adjust your outlook on this, let go of your expectations that it''s coming any day now, and essentially forget about it. What''s the point in stressing both of yourselves out (yourself and your boyfriend) if you are going to stay with him regardless anyway? There is no point, so try to let go, enjoy your dream house with the love of your life, and trust him that it''ll come. I know it''s an amazing sort of thing, but it is only one day out of the rest of your lives--seems silly to spend so many other days miserable worrying about it if you''re going to be together forever anyway, you know?

Easier said than done, no doubt. I don''t actually expect you to *forget* that you want to get engaged, but really, in the scheme of things, it''s a technicality if you have the man you want and are happy. And it''s one day of the thousands you''ve already spent together. Maybe try to focus on those instead?

Personally I would love to see you get a deadline off him but to me it seems like he''s promised so much before and didn''t produce the goods. As you won''t leave him, then I really think that you have to follow Gwen''s advice. You''ll have to put it to the back of your mind.

 

[LaraOnline]

Oh bee! Why do women so often have to put the needs and wishes of others first, just to get a little of what they want?

The way he blames chocolate fudge for his anti-marriage attitudes - and the way he admits that 'before' he didn't want to marry - but now he does... hmmm, my alarm bells are ringing. He sounds like a confused, and rather immature person.
So often, men blame the woman for becoming agitated beyond their endurance. Personally I think it's a form of emotional torture that becomes physical in its effects and it should be illegal. Men have emotional responsibilities too, and should be more encouraged to live up to them.
At this stage, it's not about the fanciest ring money can buy. personally, I don't think that's the issue for him. If he's anything like my husband, he thinks nice rings cost no more than $500!
Perhaps it's personal embarrassment, about having to display himself in front of family... or he just hates the idea of wearing a suit...? Anyway, he needs to be called out for it... and the bullying has to stop!

 

[ringless]

Chocolatefudge -
here''s a good quote to think of when times get tough, for being a LIW and for anything else in life...

"Be open to change... what you think you desperately want, could seem silly tomorrow".

HUGS

 

[bee*]

Date: 2/9/2009 12:39:18 AM
Author: LaraOnline
Oh bee! Why do women so often have to put the needs and wishes of others first, just to get a little of what they want?

The way he blames chocolate fudge for his anti-marriage attitudes - and the way he admits that ''before'' he didn''t want to marry - but now he does... hmmm, my alarm bells are ringing. He sounds like a confused, and rather immature person.

If you''ve read the rest of my posts to chocolate fudge then you''ll see that I''ve told her to put her needs first. However she''s told us numerous times that she doesn''t want to leave him, so it''s a catch 22.

 

[gwendolyn]

*bump*

Hey sweetie, just wondering how you''re doing and if you''re feeling any better. Hope so!

 

[chocolatefudge]

Hi Gwen!

Thanks for bumping my thread back up, feel very important

Well......

After getting practically distraught at SO saying we couldn''t afford VDay gifts and then going out to buy a loft ladder (long story!) I finally feel like I''m getting somewhere!! Yay!

He bought me a lovely bouquet (after I thought he was getting me nothing) but he knows now that whatever he buys me, all I really want is to get engaged. He was so lovely to me and said he knows that I really wanted to get engaged and it''s something that he wants too and he''s saving for a ring!! Woohoo!! He says he should have enough in two more paydays, so hopefully we could be engaged by May!!!! (That''s just my thoughts about being engaged by May, he didn''t actually say that part.)

I have come to the realisation that he just wasn''t ready before. Knowing that a proposal is close now I am able to deal with this, whereas before I found it quite upsetting. I thought to not be ready after so long together meant that he couldn''t love me enough, but I think he just takes his time over things. That is true of most things, I rush in and he spends forever thinking about it.

So anyway, I''m feeling much much happier. Thank you for asking about me

 

[gwendolyn]

No worries, darlin'', it''s my pleasure! I always look forward to your posts and will probably be about as excited as you are when you do get engaged. So, yeah, you ARE important! And don''t you ever forget it, young lady.

As for your current status, I am absolutely thrilled for you. There is certainly *nothing* wrong with your guy taking his time--I do the same thing myself! Now that he is ready, my money says he is 100%, unshakably, not-an-ounce-of-hesitation ready and that he isn''t going to keep you waiting too long after he''s saved the money and bought the ring, which is soooo exciting! I can feel the happiness just oozing out of your post, and that''s just so wonderful!

Congrats, hon! It''s so great that you are doing so well!