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Miscka

Miscka

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 9, 2007
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Well, this weekend I broke up with my BF. Basically, we had gotten very serious about getting engaged. We had looked at rings, and he had started saving. He seemed excited about it at times, we talked about living together next year and the kind of wedding we would have. I wasn''t pushing for right now, I figured a few months until the engagement and we both want a long engagement. Then last week something shifted. We were looking at a particular ring and I fell in love. He encouraged me about it, and then...he just changed. We were talking about it, and he just said he wasn''t ready. I was hurt/mad so for a few days things were tense. We decided to sit down on Saturday and discuss everything. Basically he said that he wasn''t ready, and had no idea when he would be. Not within the next six months and "no guarantees" after that. He said he loves me, and that he wants these things with me, but he just can''t tell me when. He is trying to get in med school, and he used to say he wanted to wait until he got in (either soon for this fall or in Sept for next) and Sat. he said "when med school starts" and when I pointed out that could be a year and a half from now he said he knew.

My heart is completely broken. I love him so much but I just feel like I cannot wait around and hope that someday he feels ready. I can''t rearrange my life and just completely overlook the things I want. I don''t want to resent him, or be bitter. I wish that I could just stop wanting to be engaged or married to him, but I can''t. I know that even if I tried in a few months we would have the same fight. I am afraid I would lose respect for myself for sacrificing so much. He is crushed, he kept saying that he loves me and doesn''t want to lose me. But I kind of feel like if he *really* loved me he wouldn''t have jerked me around like this, and he would know that he wants to marry me. I don''t understand how he could want those things with me, but just continually put it off. It breaks my heart.

Sometimes I worry that I did the wrong thing, but I have to just hope that everything works out the way it should. I am just totally miserable right now, and trying my best not to fall apart every waking moment. I''m trying to think about all the positives, like maybe getting a puppy and moving to a new city for grad school.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you all. I have loved being here, and am going to try to stick around. Thanks for listening!
 
Awww... girl I am so sorry! *hugs* That is really, really rough. I think you made a really good decision though. You're a strong woman for walking away when you did. That takes a lot of guts. I'm sure everyone here is very proud of you for knowing when to walk away.

I wish you the best. Try to keep busy and keep your mind off of things.

Of course, we're all here for you.
 
Oh no, I am so sorry. There is notheing worse than a broken heart, you poor thing. I know this time is really hard, but you will get through it. If after a few days you still feel the same way, a clean start is a good way to move on. Whether its a puppy or a new city or going back to school, I think that will be a good road to take. I wish you luck and we are always hear to listen if you need to vent or ask for opinions.
 
Oh my goodness, this is really hard. I admire you so much for listening to your instincts, girl!! I think your assessment based on what you described was right on point, and it takes a lot of courage to do what is right for you even though it also causes so much heartache. You are obviously a strong woman and you are right that when it''s the right man and time, no convincing needs to occur - either to yourselves or each other. You are smart smart smart! How many women make decisions out of fear of being alone and end up devastated in the end!! You will end up with each other if you were meant to be together, and if not, much better to know now. Thank God you talked and he seemed like he was as honest as he could be and you heard what he was saying. Honey, big hugs!! You should be proud of yourself and take extra special care of yourself during this time. (I strongly recommend chocolate, a good cup of tea, and positive friends!)
 
huuuuggggge hugs!! im so sorry!! kudos to you for trying to look at the positives. good luck with everything and i hope you will keep us posted here!!
 
*Hugs* I''m so sorry you''re going through this. Even if it is what you need to do for yourself, that doesn''t make it easy.
 
I''m so sorry. That is so hard. I really think you did the right thing though.
 
First of all I''m sorry you are going through this. But I think your assessment is correct. If he knew he wanted this, then he wouldn''t jerk you around only to put it off again, and he would know for sure that he is ready now, considering you were just looking at engagement rings. I think that you are in different places in your lives right now. I hope that all turns out well for you. Try to feel better
 
Oh man. I''m sorry to hear that. It does sound like you did the right thing, though I know it probably doesn''t help much right now. I hope everything works out for you.
 
This has been the story of my last four relationships. Everything is moving in the right direction and then you find out (for whatever excuse it may be) they aren''t ready. I am truely sorry that your boyfriend was so encouraging one minute and then blurts out the total opposite. It sounds like he wasn''t being completely honest with you about his feelings - if he were, you would have been aware of his hesitations. Shame on him for leading you down a road he was too scared to travel.

Walking away is the right thing to do. One big consequence is that you are self respecting yourself enough to say This is unacceptable and I deserve better. I will not compromise my life and put it on hold for you to figure out your answer with no guarantees. I can make up my own mind about choices that affect my life.

So you walk away. This decision will force him to fall onto whichever side of the fence. Either it makes him realize he has to act now to have you for life, or it comes on the sighs of relief that he is not pressured to make a decision he is incapable of making right now.

I believe he does love you, and he always has. But that doesn''t mean he''s found his comfort plateau in life where he''s ready to make this huge decision. It sounds as though this isn''t his timeline. Not only do you have to share the same goals and dreams and attitudes to find a life partner, you have to have it at the same time.

I have learned as I grow older that you can in fact fall in love with more than one person. But timing is JUST as important of a factor as agreeing which city to live in, whether to have one, two or three children, how will you handle money. A good relationship simply has to have these factors in line. Without it, someone will be sacrificing, perhaps even regretting so. When you don''t settle it means you want what you want and you have found your dealbreaker. It''s all worth it in the end when you fall in love and all your planets are aligned.

It''s easy to be upset and mourn. It is very much needed to pave your way through this transition. Just remember, unless you both want the same things at the same time, it won''t work. Sad as that is, you need more.

We''ve all made it through a breakup. We''re here to listen. Hugs!
 
Date: 5/19/2008 10:22:18 AM
Author: ladypirate
*Hugs* I''m so sorry you''re going through this. Even if it is what you need to do for yourself, that doesn''t make it easy.
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Ditto, including the hug. *hug*
 
Hi Miska,
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The first thing that came to mind was how that carrot/carat was being dangled and how even after u got the ring there would be the looooooong
wait until marriage.

What''s up w/ these traditions anyway. It sounds like false hope.

A guy who wants to get married, well, gets married.

It''s like that book "He''s just not that into you." I read it like 20 times.

Not to say your ex is "not that into to you" just a funny book title but fairly profound.

Men who are ready move forward w/o caveats, excuses, persuasions. They are clear and you are clear.

Good for u for keeping your sanity and living your life! The only person u can control is you and you''ve done a fine job of that!

When he''s done fiddling around and looks up to find u are gone and he''s alone w/o the love of his life be prepared for the call.

I say find someone who''s as ready as you are.

There''s nothing worse than being w/ someone who''s not feeling the same urgency about these momentous life events as you are.

(((HUGS)))
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PS - I love little mutt mixes from the pound or ASPCA. Such a girl''s best friend.

Keep us all updated - OK?

Lisa
 
I agree that you did the right thing, even though it''s so hard right now. I can''t stand guys who pretend or string along the girl so she won''t leave him. It is childish and a little pathetic. I know it doesn''t ALWAYS work that way, but I think it''s worth waiting for someone who wants to marry you as much as you want to marry him.

Each week will be easier than the one before, and sooner or later, in a few weeks or a few months, you''ll feel better. And then who knows?

I am sure you did the right thing. This guy wasn''t sure he wanted to marry you, so too bad so sad for him.
 
Hey Girly,

I am sorry to hear you are going through tough times. It sounds to me that he isn''t at the same place in his life right now. Given the fact that he wants to go back to school. medschool no less, I am sure he is still in the "what the hell am I going to do with my life" stage and is probably really insecure about making such a huge commitement to you. Most guys need to feel independent and like they can take care of a woman, and themselves, before they even consider marriage. Not to mention the financial burden of medical school - he is probably wondering how he will be able to afford medschool and a marriage and a house etc...

That being said it''s hard to know the exact circumstances based on your situation. It sounds to me you made the right decision. Chances are if he isn''t ready now he won''t be until he is at least finished school. God know''s he will be crazy busy once school starts....
 
Oh Miscka, I''m sorry to hear that. But I am so SO proud of you for having the cajones to walk away. I don''t know many women who would have the courage to do that.

**HUGS**

We''re here for you.
 
How long is ''continually''? "He is continually putting me off." How long?

What have you sacrificed at this point? What have you given up? How old are you, and how long has this relationship been? Are you too old to wait?

You love him. He loves you. He''s going to very stressed attempting to get into med school, and then during school, and certainly during his internship, etc., etc. Having the additional stress of a wedding/marriage/children would not be the best thing for him during these years. Are you thinking about him at all in this engagement/wedding/marriage fantasy?

And while it appears that I''m defending him, I am not. I don''t know him. I don''t know whether he is just jerking you around. But you do. Are you being completely honest about him? Are you being completely honest about yourself? If, aside from his not being ready now and not being able to give you an answer now, everything else was wonderful about this relationship, why are you not willing to wait? If you thought he was your true love last week, can you really be ready to move on?

I''m just concerned that so many LIWs get themselves so . . . prepared . . . for a proposal (that isn''t right around the corner) and then throw the whole relationship away when the guys say not now. They don''t really lead you down the garden path ladies; you lead them. They nod and smile and say what you want to hear, because it is what you want to hear. But when they are honest about how they feel, then suddenly they''re jerks. No, they''re not. They''re the same guy you loved yesterday.

Give it some thought. After you calm down; after you grieve for what you don''t have now; think seriously about your next steps. Don''t close doors that can''t be reopened unless you''re truly ready.
 
Sorry to hear that. Keep yourself busy and sending hugs!
 
I''m sorry to hear about your break up but I give you huge kudos for doing what''s best for YOU right now. So many women just sit and simper, complaining why o why?!? But you''re taking charge and control of YOUR life and honey, that is THE MOST amazing thing you can do at a time like this. Maybe you will decide you can wait for this guy. But maybe not. Maybe you will find someone who is crazy about you and wild horses couldn''t stop him from marrying you. Life is a crap shoot, but the one thing people seem to lose sight of sometimes, is that we are control our own destinies. Congratulations for doing what many would be afraid to do! I applaud you...
 
Date: 5/19/2008 11:58:04 AM
Author: HollyS
How long is ''continually''? ''He is continually putting me off.'' How long?

What have you sacrificed at this point? What have you given up? How old are you, and how long has this relationship been? Are you too old to wait?

You love him. He loves you. He''s going to very stressed attempting to get into med school, and then during school, and certainly during his internship, etc., etc. Having the additional stress of a wedding/marriage/children would not be the best thing for him during these years. Are you thinking about him at all in this engagement/wedding/marriage fantasy?

And while it appears that I''m defending him, I am not. I don''t know him. I don''t know whether he is just jerking you around. But you do. Are you being completely honest about him? Are you being completely honest about yourself? If, aside from his not being ready now and not being able to give you an answer now, everything else was wonderful about this relationship, why are you not willing to wait? If you thought he was your true love last week, can you really be ready to move on?

I''m just concerned that so many LIWs get themselves so . . . prepared . . . for a proposal (that isn''t right around the corner) and then throw the whole relationship away when the guys say not now. They don''t really lead you down the garden path ladies; you lead them. They nod and smile and say what you want to hear, because it is what you want to hear. But when they are honest about how they feel, then suddenly they''re jerks. No, they''re not. They''re the same guy you loved yesterday.

Give it some thought. After you calm down; after you grieve for what you don''t have now; think seriously about your next steps. Don''t close doors that can''t be reopened unless you''re truly ready.
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I don''t think she doubts whether they love each other. What I think A LOT of people don''t understand though, is that LOVE ISN''T ENOUGH! Love isn''t enough to keep a relationship going, I don''t care if you''re dating, engaged or married. Love is just the basis. Compatibility, having the same goals, being on the same page and if you''re not then making an effort to DO SO..if these things aren''t there, they are dealbreakers in a relatoinship. At least in a healthy relationship.

Saying "Aw, shucks, I know this is your life but I''m just not ready and don''t know when I will be, but you should wait" is not exactly striving to be on the same page. It doesn''t take a "patient" or "understanding" woman to put up with that crap, it takes a woman who doesn''t think she deserves more. If he were to say "Look, I''m not ready now but I''m making strides to be ready and think we should re-evaluate in 6 months. I know this is your life, too, and I don''t want to keep you waiting forever", then it would be different, but that''s not what he''s saying.

I understand that it is really tough, Miscka--you feel empowered, sadness, guilt and relief all at the same time. I wish I could say those feelings go away, but they don''t for a bit. I''ve watched many women go through this and either one of two things happen: 1. They buckle, get back into the relationship and repeat the cycle or 2. They stick with it and become healthier--often times they realize the relationship was never a good fit to begin with.

I wish you the best, what you did was very difficult, but the fact that you feel in your gut that you did the right thing for you is very telling.
 
Miscka - you''re very brave to do what you did, and I think you will be better off in years to come because of it.
 
Miscka I''m so sorry. HUGE HUGS GOING OUT FROM HERE. You did the right thing listening to your gut. Be gentle on yourself and let yourself heal. Things will work out as they are meant to be. Take care, and please don''t disappear from PS, we''d miss you!
 
Date: 5/19/2008 11:58:04 AM
Author: HollyS
How long is ''continually''? ''He is continually putting me off.'' How long?


What have you sacrificed at this point? What have you given up? How old are you, and how long has this relationship been? Are you too old to wait?


You love him. He loves you. He''s going to very stressed attempting to get into med school, and then during school, and certainly during his internship, etc., etc. Having the additional stress of a wedding/marriage/children would not be the best thing for him during these years. Are you thinking about him at all in this engagement/wedding/marriage fantasy?


And while it appears that I''m defending him, I am not. I don''t know him. I don''t know whether he is just jerking you around. But you do. Are you being completely honest about him? Are you being completely honest about yourself? If, aside from his not being ready now and not being able to give you an answer now, everything else was wonderful about this relationship, why are you not willing to wait? If you thought he was your true love last week, can you really be ready to move on?



I''m just concerned that so many LIWs get themselves so . . . prepared . . . for a proposal (that isn''t right around the corner) and then throw the whole relationship away when the guys say not now. They don''t really lead you down the garden path ladies; you lead them. They nod and smile and say what you want to hear, because it is what you want to hear. But when they are honest about how they feel, then suddenly they''re jerks. No, they''re not. They''re the same guy you loved yesterday.


Give it some thought. After you calm down; after you grieve for what you don''t have now; think seriously about your next steps. Don''t close doors that can''t be reopened unless you''re truly ready.
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First of all, I NEVER called him a jerk, nor would I. I do feel like changing his mind about the subject was unfair. I understand now that he was saying these things to appease me, but shame on him for not saying that the whole time. Besides, if he is a jerk than so am I. I have a right to be honest about how I feel as well.

And not that I feel the need to defend my decision to you, but I do feel like staying with him would mean sacrificing. I never planned to stay in my city after I finished undergrad, but I am still here because he is here. I didn''t have any compelling reason to move, other than I felt like it. I am also going to go back to school, and need to decide where. Why should I choose these things based on him and his school decisions if he isn''t "sure" about me?

I would be sacrificing the chance to be with someone who can''t wait to start a life with me, and to me that is a big thing. I don''t want to drag anyone down the aisle. Before he came along, I didn''t even think I would ever want to be married. I do not see where my age plays in to that, is there an age where its ok to settle? If so, I guess I am too young.

As far as school, you are right. He has a lot of stress coming his way. Heck, the admissions process alone has been killer. But I stood by him, and helped him in any way I could. I would be willing to do all of that again during school, but not without a commitment because that is an ENORMOUS amount of stress for all parties involved.



Anyway-thanks to everyone who is being supportive. It means more than I can say.
 
I''m sorry for the pain that comes with the breakup, but I''d much rather read a post like OP''s (where the woman values herself and pursues her life), than posts where the woman is coasting on Da''Nile.

Thumbs up and it will get better. You deserve to have your dreams and goals fulfilled.
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I''m glad you''re doing what you feel is right for you ... that''s the best anyone can do, right? If it makes you feel the teensiest better ... I read some daunting statistic about approx 75% of serious relationships don''t make it through one partner''s med school/residency etc. It''s a widely discussed phenomenon ... the post-res divorce. So ... even under the BEST circumstances you were up against some long odds.
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From you own posts over the last year and this post, I read that the two of you have talked seriously about marriage, and that he has told you he wants marriage to you, just not right now.

If you do not feel you can wait, or should wait; you''ve done the right thing in breaking it off. When you meet the right guy, you will not feel like you are sacrificing anything to be with him. Ano no, you should not change your plans or the direction of your own life if what you want cannot co-exist with a relationship. Take care of what you want first, then you''ll be ready to share your life.


And I didn''t say you called him a jerk. I was putting words to a common scenario on LIW. It wasn''t a reference to anything specific anyone has said.
 
I''m sorry to hear about this. It''s good that you two sat down and cleared the air even though it didn''t turn out how you hoped. Good for you for going after what you want.
 
I''m sorry that you have to go through this. I had to break up with my boyfriend two weeks ago because he did the exact same thing. He told me that he was ready, we were looking at rings, but then something changed and all of a sudden he just "wasn''t ready" and it "just didn''t feel right".

It feels good to stand up for yourself, to say that you will not stay in a relationship in which your needs and wants are not being met. Maybe he will come around and maybe he won''t, but at least he knows that you will not allow him to ignore the things that are important to you.

I feel like I am ready to start dating other people, and I really am excited to meet new people and to maybe meet a guy who will want the same things that I want at the same time that I want them. I''m thinking about getting a puppy too!
 
Date: 5/19/2008 2:05:13 PM
Author: decodelighted
I''m glad you''re doing what you feel is right for you ... that''s the best anyone can do, right? If it makes you feel the teensiest better ... I read some daunting statistic about approx 75% of serious relationships don''t make it through one partner''s med school/residency etc. It''s a widely discussed phenomenon ... the post-res divorce. So ... even under the BEST circumstances you were up against some long odds.
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Wow, Deco. I had never heard that statistic. I knew it would be rough, but his family is full of MDs with good marriages so I didn''t realize that was uncommon. That does make me feel better. Now maybe I can eventually find someone with a more normal job and at least a little free time!
 
Miscka,
Lots of hugs to you. So sorry you''re going through this. Take this time to focus on yourself, it sounds like you have a lot of new paths for you now. It''s a great opportunity.
 
Date: 5/19/2008 2:24:34 PM
Author: Codependent Gal
I''m sorry that you have to go through this. I had to break up with my boyfriend two weeks ago because he did the exact same thing. He told me that he was ready, we were looking at rings, but then something changed and all of a sudden he just ''wasn''t ready'' and it ''just didn''t feel right''.


It feels good to stand up for yourself, to say that you will not stay in a relationship in which your needs and wants are not being met. Maybe he will come around and maybe he won''t, but at least he knows that you will not allow him to ignore the things that are important to you.


I feel like I am ready to start dating other people, and I really am excited to meet new people and to maybe meet a guy who will want the same things that I want at the same time that I want them. I''m thinking about getting a puppy too!
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Yay, a puppy!! What kind are you thinking of?
 
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