we had a talk, didnt go so well

[bubbly1126]

Date: 11/18/2008 12:47:05 PM
Author: gwendolyn
I realize I''m arguing on my own here, but he *did* do something. Maybe it doesn''t seem like a big deal to some, but buying a house with someone *is* quite a big commitment--so big, in fact, that lots of ladies here often suggest waiting for a ring before doing so. Doesn''t that count in his favour at all? Even a little bit?

I get that it''s not THE thing she wants, but it is something. Shades of grey, not just black and white.


Now, my friend, who''s been dating her boyfriend for almost 8 years and who hasn''t had a single conversation with the boy (yes, boy) about their future knows he''s been searching for a house for years. But he''s said repeatedly it will be *his* house, not *their* house. So, it may not be much to most of you, but my friend would be on cloud nine if her boyfriend would make a commitment like buying a house together. He makes sure he keeps absolutely everything of theirs totally separate.

I agree that he did do something. Buying a house with someone is a huge step! BUT it shouldn''t be used in place of an engagement. I understand both cost quite a bit but she shouldn''t have to sacrifice an engagement for a house. Unless of course that was the agreement. Then it is definitely reasonable.

I think maybe he''s just not ready to get engaged. I suppose buying a house and getting engaged really can''t compare to each other. Yes, they are both commitments but one (the engagement) takes a lot more of an emotional commitment and might be a little harder to do.

I''m not really sure. It''s different for every person and couple. Simply, she needs to sit down with him and have a real convo about it. And if he won''t, then I''d be seriously reconsidering whether or not I want to stay with someone who may never be ready.

As for your friend, gwendolyn, wow... I can see why you''re so frustrated with that. I know it''s tough to leave when you love the person so much but come on, she''s gotta realize she deserves more than what she''s been getting!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/18/2008 12:53:16 PM
Author: inhisarms17

Date: 11/18/2008 12:47:05 PM

Author: gwendolyn

I realize I''m arguing on my own here, but he *did* do something. Maybe it doesn''t seem like a big deal to some, but buying a house with someone *is* quite a big commitment--so big, in fact, that lots of ladies here often suggest waiting for a ring before doing so. Doesn''t that count in his favour at all? Even a little bit?

I get that it''s not THE thing she wants, but it is something. Shades of grey, not just black and white.



Now, my friend, who''s been dating her boyfriend for almost 8 years and who hasn''t had a single conversation with the boy (yes, boy) about their future knows he''s been searching for a house for years. But he''s said repeatedly it will be *his* house, not *their* house. So, it may not be much to most of you, but my friend would be on cloud nine if her boyfriend would make a commitment like buying a house together. He makes sure he keeps absolutely everything of theirs totally separate.

I agree that he did do something. Buying a house with someone is a huge step! BUT it shouldn''t be used in place of an engagement. I understand both cost quite a bit but she shouldn''t have to sacrifice an engagement for a house. Unless of course that was the agreement. Then it is definitely reasonable.


I think maybe he''s just not ready to get engaged. I suppose buying a house and getting engaged really can''t compare to each other. Yes, they are both commitments but one (the engagement) takes a lot more of an emotional commitment and might be a little harder to do.


I''m not really sure. It''s different for every person and couple. Simply, she needs to sit down with him and have a real convo about it. And if he won''t, then I''d be seriously reconsidering whether or not I want to stay with someone who may never be ready.


As for your friend, gwendolyn, wow... I can see why you''re so frustrated with that. I know it''s tough to leave when you love the person so much but come on, she''s gotta realize she deserves more than what she''s been getting!

I don''t think he had to choose between getting engaged and buying a house, though. Both of them agreed to buy the house together, knowing the engagement would come later (possibly much later due to finances of being new homeowners and the credit crunch). I agree about sitting down to talk things through because I think, much as we may try, we PSers can''t do much other than give a mental push to get things cleared up, and talking is really the only way to do it.

Anyway, if the plan was to buy the house and get engaged later and she''s changed her mind and wants to be engaged AND buy a house at the same time (i.e. now), that''s moving the goal posts and isn''t quite fair. Unless they bought the house ages ago and have been living there and she''s been twiddling her thumbs for months waiting for the engagement part of things to happen? Although I can empathize with wanting to fast-forward to the best bits, there are two people in a couple and his plans and time frame are just as important as hers.

 

[meresal]

Date: 11/18/2008 12:53:16 PM
Author: inhisarms17
I agree that he did do something. Buying a house with someone is a huge step! BUT it shouldn''t be used in place of an engagement. I understand both cost quite a bit but she shouldn''t have to sacrifice an engagement for a house. Unless of course that was the agreement. Then it is definitely reasonable.

I think maybe he''s just not ready to get engaged. I suppose buying a house and getting engaged really can''t compare to each other. Yes, they are both commitments but one (the engagement) takes a lot more of an emotional commitment and might be a little harder to do.

I''m not really sure. It''s different for every person and couple. Simply, she needs to sit down with him and have a real convo about it. And if he won''t, then I''d be seriously reconsidering whether or not I want to stay with someone who may never be ready.

As for your friend, gwendolyn, wow... I can see why you''re so frustrated with that. I know it''s tough to leave when you love the person so much but come on, she''s gotta realize she deserves more than what she''s been getting!

I am dilligently searching for that stupid thread about the wait becoming longer when living together. Anyone that was around for it that wants to help, it would be much appreciated. I''m borderline thinking it should be a "sticky" in the LIW board.

IMHO, this is the worst thing to do at this point. He has made it very clear that he doesn''t want to talk about it, so why push the subject, and make him even more mad.

If moving in wasn''t "easier", then all these guys wouldn''t be pushing it and using it as a "buffer" before getting engaged. Flat out, moving in together is way more emotional for girls than for guys (in most cases).

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 11/18/2008 1:04:17 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 11/18/2008 12:53:16 PM

Author: inhisarms17

Date: 11/18/2008 12:47:05 PM


Author: gwendolyn


I realize I''m arguing on my own here, but he *did* do something. Maybe it doesn''t seem like a big deal to some, but buying a house with someone *is* quite a big commitment--so big, in fact, that lots of ladies here often suggest waiting for a ring before doing so. Doesn''t that count in his favour at all? Even a little bit?

I get that it''s not THE thing she wants, but it is something. Shades of grey, not just black and white.




Now, my friend, who''s been dating her boyfriend for almost 8 years and who hasn''t had a single conversation with the boy (yes, boy) about their future knows he''s been searching for a house for years. But he''s said repeatedly it will be *his* house, not *their* house. So, it may not be much to most of you, but my friend would be on cloud nine if her boyfriend would make a commitment like buying a house together. He makes sure he keeps absolutely everything of theirs totally separate.

I agree that he did do something. Buying a house with someone is a huge step! BUT it shouldn''t be used in place of an engagement. I understand both cost quite a bit but she shouldn''t have to sacrifice an engagement for a house. Unless of course that was the agreement. Then it is definitely reasonable.



I think maybe he''s just not ready to get engaged. I suppose buying a house and getting engaged really can''t compare to each other. Yes, they are both commitments but one (the engagement) takes a lot more of an emotional commitment and might be a little harder to do.



I''m not really sure. It''s different for every person and couple. Simply, she needs to sit down with him and have a real convo about it. And if he won''t, then I''d be seriously reconsidering whether or not I want to stay with someone who may never be ready.



As for your friend, gwendolyn, wow... I can see why you''re so frustrated with that. I know it''s tough to leave when you love the person so much but come on, she''s gotta realize she deserves more than what she''s been getting!

I don''t think he had to choose between getting engaged and buying a house, though. Both of them agreed to buy the house together, knowing the engagement would come later (possibly much later due to finances of being new homeowners and the credit crunch). I agree about sitting down to talk things through because I think, much as we may try, we PSers can''t do much other than give a mental push to get things cleared up, and talking is really the only way to do it.


Anyway, if the plan was to buy the house and get engaged later and she''s changed her mind and wants to be engaged AND buy a house at the same time (i.e. now), that''s moving the goal posts and isn''t quite fair. Unless they bought the house ages ago and have been living there and she''s been twiddling her thumbs for months waiting for the engagement part of things to happen? Although I can empathize with wanting to fast-forward to the best bits, there are two people in a couple and his plans and time frame are just as important as hers.

You know what I just realized?! -How hard it is to really know what kind of advice to give seeing as we don''t know the entire story. Haha. All we can do is speculate and in the end, I don''t think it helps.

Eh, Oh well, at least we''re trying.

Good points in the above post. It all depends on what they agreed on and such. ::shrugs shoulders:: I don''t know what else to say. I hope she comes back to post some more info so we have more to go on! heh.

 

[gwendolyn]

But in this housing market, it makes perfect sense to me to want to buy a house now rather than in a few years when opportunities for first-time buyers may not be so good. I''d never thought of buying a house first, but in this market, we just might put our engagement ring/wedding savings towards a down payment and get us on the property ladder!

The choice to buy a home rather than a ring could be about emotional readiness, or maybe it''s more about taking advantage of financial opportunities. I know there''s more long-term value in a home rather than a ring, and I''m quite happy to have a cheapo ring or no ring at all if that translates to a solid property investment (she says as she looks up at the property show on telly right now

).

 

[meresal]

inhisarms- she has posted 3 threads. if you go back and read them they will tell you the whole sotry. I just did it and it only took a few minutes.

late 20's, been dating 3 years, lived together 2, both own the house, one friend refused to move in with her BF before getting a ring and she recently got it, etc.


Waitinlady: I think you need to go back and try to remember what things he actually said when the two of you moved in together. If his thought process has changed, and he sounds VERY not interested in marriage to me at this point(strictly based on how you are telling us he is acting), then you need to make your feelings known. If he's doing exactly what he said he would, then you need to re-evaluate what you want in a relationship. I jsut read thru your previous threads, and it sounds like you are already thinking alot of the things people have mentioned on this thread.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/18/2008 1:08:48 PM
Author: inhisarms17
You know what I just realized?! -How hard it is to really know what kind of advice to give seeing as we don''t know the entire story. Haha. All we can do is speculate and in the end, I don''t think it helps.

Eh, Oh well, at least we''re trying.


Good points in the above post. It all depends on what they agreed on and such. ::shrugs shoulders:: I don''t know what else to say. I hope she comes back to post some more info so we have more to go on! heh.

Hahah, I know! I think that''s why I enjoy coming into threads to speak up for how the men might be thinking (as a woman who''s the one holding things up

).

Anyway, I could''ve been remembering details from the wrong poster but I thought the OP had said they''d agreed on buying the house and then getting engaged later. But maybe my memory is going dodgy--I am getting on in years...

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 11/18/2008 10:34:06 AM
Author: dragonfly411
I have to agree with purrfect pear. He''s having his cake and eating it too, why worry about getting married RIGHT NOW?

The highlighted statement along with "why buy the cow when the milk is free" really, really gets my blood boiling. LOL sorry it does.

The idea of a woman waiting at home, living with her parents, and very innocent (if you get what I’m saying) before getting married is a very beautiful sentiment but also extremely archaic. If he is truly “having his cake” then so is she.

Living together here is not the main issue. I lived with my FI for two years before he proposed and others have been living together much longer. It doesn’t make marriage impossible. It just makes the process of getting engaged and getting married longer because now your income and decisions are tied together (whether you do joint accounts or not).

The issue here is being honest with yourself. I mean, truly being honest. Stop making excuses for yourself and for him and figure out what’s really going on and go from there.

When he says the things he says and does the things he does, what do you honestly feel is going on?

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 11/18/2008 12:15:30 PM
Author: Allison D.

Date: 11/18/2008 10:15:40 AM
Author: ckrickett

If you live together, bought a house and love each other in his eyes that might be a huge commitment (and it is) and he might think ''hey, things are pretty good''. I''m sure he PLANS on marrying you but it''s something that isn''t that important to him (maybe.. I''m speculating!). Some guys don''t care about marriage, weddings, it''s just not in there blood like us girls. But when they meet that special lady we tend to change there mind. But if you get the milk for free why the hell buy the cow!

You buy the cow because you realize that the cow wants to feel permanent in its pasture, and if it doesn''t, it just might find another pasture to stand in.

The milk, by the way, is never free.

Thank you. I just saw this.

"Sisters" should never refer to other "sisters" as cows anyway

 

[waitinlady]

Hi, there are some really good points from everyone here. i wish i had home internet because typing on my cell is harder and forces me to be more vague but ill try my best to answer questions. SO and i rented for a little over a year while we saved for a house. we had enough to cover all begining expenses and a down payment so it didnt financially hurt us at all. we got the house early this year. we actually never had an agreement or a timeline of getting engaged. we had only talked future in terms of ''when we we get married'' we''ll do this etc. it is my fault i assumed we were on the same page and would think about getting engaged after we got settled. this is the first time ive taken a step this serious or felt this way with someone and at the time i thought i needed to let him take the lead in engagement talk or id be pressuring him. i was a little ''green'' and didnt know the emotions that would catch up with me later. (continued)

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 11/18/2008 1:36:32 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 11/18/2008 12:15:30 PM
Author: Allison D.

Date: 11/18/2008 10:15:40 AM
Author: ckrickett

If you live together, bought a house and love each other in his eyes that might be a huge commitment (and it is) and he might think ''hey, things are pretty good''. I''m sure he PLANS on marrying you but it''s something that isn''t that important to him (maybe.. I''m speculating!). Some guys don''t care about marriage, weddings, it''s just not in there blood like us girls. But when they meet that special lady we tend to change there mind. But if you get the milk for free why the hell buy the cow!

You buy the cow because you realize that the cow wants to feel permanent in its pasture, and if it doesn''t, it just might find another pasture to stand in.

The milk, by the way, is never free.

Thank you. I just saw this.

''Sisters'' should never refer to other ''sisters'' as cows anyway

didn''t mean to intentionally call us cows! I''m sorry!

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 11/18/2008 12:15:30 PM
Author: Allison D.

Date: 11/18/2008 10:15:40 AM
Author: ckrickett

If you live together, bought a house and love each other in his eyes that might be a huge commitment (and it is) and he might think ''hey, things are pretty good''. I''m sure he PLANS on marrying you but it''s something that isn''t that important to him (maybe.. I''m speculating!). Some guys don''t care about marriage, weddings, it''s just not in there blood like us girls. But when they meet that special lady we tend to change there mind. But if you get the milk for free why the hell buy the cow!

You buy the cow because you realize that the cow wants to feel permanent in its pasture, and if it doesn''t, it just might find another pasture to stand in.

The milk, by the way, is never free.

agreed completely...

 

[ChinaCat]

This has turned into an interesting philosophical question, which I enjoy- and I assume many of the LIW threads do so. No thoughts on that, but to the OP-

I wouldn''t worry so much about what he says in response to other people. He may feel uncomfortable, or pressured, or maybe he''s just private. I find it weird when other people say that- when are you going to get engaged? when are you going to have kids? Unless it''s my BFF, I find it rude and intrusive. It''s none of their business.

I would be a bit more concerned about the nature of your communication after the fact. You were upset and he seemed to blow you off about your feelings, and then had to get away from you for awhile. Regardless of if you over-reacted or are pressuring him, if you two are living together and talking marriage, this seems like an immature reaction on his part.

Partners should be able to discuss their feelings and feel safe in doing so. He may not agree with you, but you should be able to tell him your concerns. His response might be that he doesn''t like feeling pressured, that he intends to marry you but doesn''t want to put a timeline on it, etc., which is his prerogative to feel or say. But to get annoyed at you for wanting to have a conversation about it isn''t fair to you.

Now I don''t know how you approached him- maybe your way of communicating how you felt was passive-aggressive or whiny or something. (Not judging, believe me I have been there when I was a LIW!).

I guess I am just saying that you should be able to calmly and rationally have this discussion with someone you want to marry and intend on having a successful partnership with.

Just my 2 cents! Good luck.

 

[waitinlady]

That i think is my biggest fault in this. i assumed and bit my tounge for too long. we''ve really only tried to have a serious conversation about this twice and it didnt go anywhere either time. probably because to him this is all coming out of nowhere since i held it in. but here''s my problem, if he''s gonna clam up when people ask about us then why bring it up? HE is the one who started the conversation with our friends saying how his parents brought up us getting engaged (in an undermining way) but then hes offended when our friends memtion it? HE is the one who brought up how he almost proposed but didnt. then when i say it confused me, he suddenly doesnt remember saying it and so i ''shouldnt worry about it'' How do you say something that huge and not remember? thats the kicker for me, will he soon forget how we talked about our wedding party too? is it just telling me what i want to hear?

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/18/2008 2:06:43 PM
Author: waitinlady
That i think is my biggest fault in this. i assumed and bit my tounge for too long. we''ve really only tried to have a serious conversation about this twice and it didnt go anywhere either time. probably because to him this is all coming out of nowhere since i held it in. but here''s my problem, if he''s gonna clam up when people ask about us then why bring it up? HE is the one who started the conversation with our friends saying how his parents brought up us getting engaged (in an undermining way) but then hes offended when our friends memtion it? HE is the one who brought up how he almost proposed but didnt. then when i say it confused me, he suddenly doesnt remember saying it and so i ''shouldnt worry about it'' How do you say something that huge and not remember? thats the kicker for me, will he soon forget how we talked about our wedding party too? is it just telling me what i want to hear?

I agree that it is potentially worrying that he''s forgotten his comment about proposing to you and then not? He wasn''t drinking, was he? Just asking because it sounds a bit like a drunken confession of something he probably shouldn''t have said because it is rather cruel to you.

I don''t think him clamming up when other people ask him should worry you as much as how he talks when it''s just the two of you.

This may or may not work for you, but this is how I would structure the conversation if it was me in your position. If you sit down at some point (maybe after some breathing room since he''s got to be in the right sort of place to really hear you, and if he walked away from you, it may take some time) to talk things through in a calm, rational manner, maybe start by saying you''re sorry to have sprung things on him from out of nowhere (maybe he felt ganged up on with everyone asking him when you''d be engaged?). Then, say what you feel, that you want to be engaged and love owning a house together but that you want to make a move towards the next step: marriage. Ask him if he sees you married in a couple of years. Then, let him know about how long it takes to plan a wedding (guys often don''t have any idea) and maybe see if that will lend itself to a general sort of timeline (without having to pin it down to an exact date). Then, if you want, you can let him know that you''d be willing to help with the choosing of the ring, or however you want to do it, in case he might feel overwhelmed by doing it by himself.

Sorry that was very rambly and hard to read. I''m a very train-of-thought writer sometimes.

I hope you are able to talk to each other soon and clear things up. Best wishes, m''dear!

 

[Bia]

Sweeite, you aren''t being pushy if you ask him to put his feelings about the topic out on the table. Its important. You said he told you that he could wait years to get married if he had to. Sit down with him and ask him what he meant by that. You already bought the house, so that''s besides the point, particularly because purchasing the hosue was something you both wanted, saved for, and did.

You have to be fair to him, just like he has to be fair to you. If you want to get married in the near future (I don''t know what your time line is) then you have to tell him. Likewise, he has to tell you what he sees in his future. Don''t make assumptions. You bit your tounge, as you said, for too long. Don''t do it anymore. Talk. See what he says. If he says it will be another year, another two years, then you make your decision. And if, like in my case, he gives you a "timeline" and you agree to it, then see what happens with that given amount of time. If he doesn''t follow through, you make you decisions.

Either way, you hold the cards (to your life), remember that.

 

[waitinlady]

The thing i really dont understand is why a woman bringing up marriage is so taboo. he brings up marriage and its sweet and makes me happy. i bring it up and im a nagging girlfriend who just wants to tie down the first guy who''ll let me. no, SO didnt say that but from his reactions it makes me feel like that. ive tried so hard not to be a nag that i neglected my feelings and now im scared of what to do or say next when i dont think i should have to be. the sad thing is this relationship is wonderfull in every other way and even if he never wanted to marry me id probably stay but i just want straightforward answers from him rather than building me up with sweet comments and tearing me back down when he cant talk about them. truthfully, if he hadnt said hed almost proposed my LIWness would be nowhere near what it is now and he started that conversation not me.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/18/2008 2:33:12 PM
Author: waitinlady
The thing i really dont understand is why a woman bringing up marriage is so taboo. he brings up marriage and its sweet and makes me happy. i bring it up and im a nagging girlfriend who just wants to tie down the first guy who''ll let me. no, SO didnt say that but from his reactions it makes me feel like that. ive tried so hard not to be a nag that i neglected my feelings and now im scared of what to do or say next when i dont think i should have to be. the sad thing is this relationship is wonderfull in every other way and even if he never wanted to marry me id probably stay but i just want straightforward answers from him rather than building me up with sweet comments and tearing me back down when he cant talk about them. truthfully, if he hadnt said hed almost proposed my LIWness would be nowhere near what it is now and he started that conversation not me.

If that''s how you''re feeling, sweetie, you need to tell him. Find a way to tell him without attacking (the "I feel" types of comments) because you are entitled to know where you future is going, and you are also entitled to your feelings and shouldn''t be made to feel like you aren''t supposed to have them. They are what they are. You both need to talk it through and come to an agreement on how to progress from here.

 

[Sha]

Date: 11/18/2008 9:05:09 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I have a different take on this. It sounds to me like he is ''the guy'' we''re starting to hear about more frequently on PS LIW. They love to ''play'' marriage, they love to ''talk'' marriage, they love to do everything except GET married.

No, I don''t think he''s just trying to throw her off the scent of his plans - I don''t think he HAS any plans.

No, I don''t think he was serious about getting married - and I don''t think she ruined it with pressure.

He wasn''t kidding when he said he could wait forever. He likes things just fine the way they are. He lives with her, they have a house together. From his perspective, why change anything...he''s happy.

These guys are faithful and I believe they love their GFs. They just don''t want to make the final commitment.

Ditto as well! I think he''s very comfortable with where things are right now, and doesn''t see any big rush to get married. Y''all already have a house together and all....why rock the boat? you know... that kind of thinkinng.. I think his talk about wedding details might just be an attempt to say things you want to hear. His responses to your family''s enquiries and his response to you afterwards doesn''t sound like someone who''s planning a proposal but just wants to throw you off his scent, or someone who feels pressured, IMO. I think fellas who are REALLY thinking marriage would respond to that whole line of questioning a lot more positively - without necessarily giving out information. Not make it seem like it''s the furthest thing from his mind right now. It reads like someone who is not ready yet and is trying to make it seem as if he is.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Waitinlady I could have written your post! Have no words of wisdom really- just wanteed to say that you must be my relationship twin!

 

[waitinlady]

Thanks chocolate its good to know were not alone. its also great to have all of you to talk to because i wouldnt tell some of this stuff to my closet friend, for fear they wouldnt understand or be judgemental. Gwen, we had been at a party drinking when he said this but only a couple drinks. i thought about that night and heres how it went down: SO asked a friend ''when are you two getting engaged? youve been dating forever'' friend responded ''you guys have been dating just as long, how about you?'' SO said something weird like ''why does the amount of time matter?'' or something contradictory like that. later he pulled me aside and said he didnt mean it and thats when he said he almost proposed, etc. now i wonder if thats always been the pattern, he says something he knows upsets me and then tries to make up for it. id be real interested to see the thread on living together. starting to think SO is maybe trying to figure out why we need to change things and why all his friends suddenly are.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/18/2008 4:15:23 PM
Author: waitinlady
Thanks chocolate its good to know were not alone. its also great to have all of you to talk to because i wouldnt tell some of this stuff to my closet friend, for fear they wouldnt understand or be judgemental. Gwen, we had been at a party drinking when he said this but only a couple drinks. i thought about that night and heres how it went down: SO asked a friend 'when are you two getting engaged? youve been dating forever' friend responded 'you guys have been dating just as long, how about you?' SO said something weird like 'why does the amount of time matter?' or something contradictory like that. later he pulled me aside and said he didnt mean it and thats when he said he almost proposed, etc. now i wonder if thats always been the pattern, he says something he knows upsets me and then tries to make up for it. id be real interested to see the thread on living together. starting to think SO is maybe trying to figure out why we need to change things and why all his friends suddenly are.

Hmm, if he is trying to figure it out, maybe you should try to leave it until he comes to you. I had a friend who freaked when his friends all (well, almost all, except me!) got engaged right after the other, and he went through a couple of months where he seemed to panic to his girlfriend about his life changing--he'd always talked about wanting a wife and kids and a house and a dog, etc., but has this weird sort of knee-jerk reaction of, "No, not yet!" when he felt it starting to happen, like he was afraid things would change so much he'd lose his friends to their wives once they were all married. Then he saw that things changed but he still got to hang with them, and he stopped freaking so much and apologized for having what amounted to cold feet. Once it dawned on him that he was being silly, he got to shopping for a ring. Maybe that isn't your guy, but I thought I'd share the story just in case.

 

[tessari]

I am going to have to also disagree with the posts about living together and the whole (yuck!!) "why buy the cow" argument. maybe it''s true for some guys but i know my bf would not even consider marriage without having lived with me first. a few of our friends are the same way. by the time people hit their late 20s, many have already moved in during previous failed relationships and you need to know if it''s right with the person that you''re currently with. both me and my bf have moved in with exes and both of us needed to live with each other to make sure that the same problems we had in our previous relationships would not resurface...i needed to know that we wouldn''t turn into this couple that sits at home and gets too comfortable in front of the tv instead of going out and doing stuff--(which is what happened with my ex) and my bf needed to know that i wouldn''t be like his ex-gf and try to control him and not let him hang out with his friends. after a good year of living together and making sure we''re right for each other he told me he''s ready to talk marriage and now he set a deadline of end of march and all the ring shopping is done.
i would rather wait a little longer for him to propose and move-in together and have all the info we need to commit than have him propose "earlier" just bc he wants me to sleep with him every night--also, the novelty of sharing a bed every night wears off....

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 11/18/2008 1:36:32 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 11/18/2008 12:15:30 PM
Author: Allison D.


You buy the cow because you realize that the cow wants to feel permanent in its pasture, and if it doesn''t, it just might find another pasture to stand in.

The milk, by the way, is never free.

Thank you. I just saw this.

''Sisters'' should never refer to other ''sisters'' as cows anyway

Fiery, I''m simply staying in metaphor. It''s not meant to suggest that I *truly* think any female is actually bovine.

 

[Allison D.]

It's great to get all rhetorical, but rhetoric isn't going to help this situation.

WAITIN: It should never be off limits to discuss your future with a committed partner.

Before you have that conversation, I think you need to figure out what you really want, because I'm not sure that you know yet from what you've posted. Sit down and do a bit of self-reflection....what is it that YOU truly want from life? Do you WANT to be married? Do you want to have a family? You need to know this before you sit down with him.

Some people are ok never getting married and are fine with having a family this way. Some people want to get married even though they don't plan to have a family. There is no 'right' answer here, only YOUR truth. That truth shouldn't take into consideration what he wants/doesn't; it should strictly be "is getting married a *must-have* in my life"? If it's not, then I think you need to sit and have the conversation with him that says "look, getting married would be a nice-to-have but not a have-to-have in my life. I'm content with my life as is, and I'm telling you so that you don't feel pressure from outside parties. As long as we are meeting each others' needs, that's all that really matters."

If your HONEST answer to yourself is "getting married someday is a have-to-have for me", then I think your conversation with him needs to be "getting married is important to me because it's something *I* need. It's not because others think we should, and it's not because it's the next step. It's because I want and need to permanency of the commitment of marriage. That said, I need to know if you are on the same page in wanting marriage because if you're not, I'd rather understand that now. I want marriage, and if you don't share that want, then I need to accept that and find someone that wants it as I do. I want to be with someone who also wants marriage and wants marriage to me, and if that's not you, it's not. If you want marriage but our timelines can't align, we need to know that too. I want to think about getting married within (_______), so I'm asking you to take some time to think over these next six months about whether you want the same things I do."

In either scenario, you need to be able to talk about how you feel, and you deserve to get answers to your questions.

 

[waitinlady]

Allison, sorry if my past posts made me sound conflicted about what i want, i''ll try to explain. i absolutely want to marry my SO, ive known this since early in our relationship. in my dream world i would have hoped he''d feel the same way and proposed without anyone ever bringing it up to him first, that way i''d know it was completely his doing with no pressure. thats why i never brought it up until he took the lead. what i dont like is when my SO (or any man) thinks that girls are just in love with the idea of getting married and are on the hunt for a man to be her husband. finding a husband was not a top priority for me. but once i happened to find the man i want to spend my life with, now making the commitment of marriage is important to me. i also beleive that making that kind of commitment is resereved for someone very special so if they didnt want marriage, id be willing to find out why and consider a compromise. so in short i wasnt actively looking,it just happened. and him saying he almost proposed

 

[waitinlady]

Made me think that he was getting serious about it too. i got excited and that is why i said my liwness really increased. does all that make sense?

 

[waitinlady]

it made me more anxious because i thought he felt the same way. does that all make sense?

 

[waitinlady]

Didnt mean to post 2 endings it said the first one didnt work. sorry haha.