We know we''re getting married - aren''t we engaged?

[KCCutie]

I guess I''ll weigh in here since my other thread may have started this line of questioning.

I think it''s the question and the announcement of the answer to that question that makes a couple engaged. The ring is just a symbol and it can come before during or after or not at all if that''s what the couple wants. If my SO asked me and I of course said yes and we told everyone then we would be engaged ring or not, but he wants there to be a ring...and so....we wait.

For me I have an understanding with my SO that we will get engaged and we will get married b/c this is what we both want. However b/c we both want a formal proposal with a ring that will be forever and we don''t have that yet we are not engaged. We "feel" engaged b/c we have an understanding but we are not engaged just yet.

If that makes any sense at all.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/15/2008 3:56:46 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 8/15/2008 3:42:31 PM

Author: trillionaire

I completely understand the engaged/not engaged/formality thing. I definitely do not consider us engaged, but I do feel like that it is more of a formality than anything. We both know that that is what we want, and we are both working towards it. He could ask me at any second to formalize it, if he wanted to. Or I could ask him, which he is now trying to convince me to do... he was just telling me yesterday how he wanted a nice expensive looking e-ring, which I would be happy to get him if I had the cash! (Poor student life stinks...)


hahaha, I should just start calling him my fiance! I bet he would laugh at first, then he would just end up giving me the ring... that might be a good plan!

Anyway, my take on it is that you are engaged whenever you both agree you are. No symbols or specific words needed, just the agreed commitment between two people.

I feel like I need to coin a term for that time period where you are 100%, absolutely sure that you''re getting married, so you''re more than a GF, but not quite an FI, and everyone knows you''re going to get engaged soon, but it just hasn''t *quite* happened yet.


I mean, other than coining it ''frustration.''

HAHAHA!!! I always say that there should be a term for when you break up with a long term SO, that is stronger than "break-up", but not quite "divorced." I always tease BF and tell him we need to get a divorce. "Break-up" wouldn''t NEARLY capture the meaning of us not being together, but you can only get divorced if you are married.

SO, we need to coin a term for that too...

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 8/15/2008 1:17:19 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Elledizzy, I also think that in your situation you don''t want to plan the wedding until he proposes, so for you the formal proposal is priority #1 and wedding planning is #2.

A coworker of mine just booked her date and venue yesterday...no ring yet. For them, securing a date next summer was the first priority after deciding to get married, and the proposal will come when the ring is ready. So for them securing a date was priority #1 and the formal proposal is priority #2. She''s been on the phone with her family all day, so they definitely know

It seems that the formal proposal in most cases is the indicator that the man is now ready to move forward with all of the next-step stuff, so to do it beforehand would be premature (because he''s not quite ready).

I''m in this situation and I don''t consider myself engaged yet because he wants a formal proposal when the ring is ready. End of story.

 

[radiantquest]

i feel that we are kinda engaged i guess, but not official. i wouldnt go around telling people that i am engaged without the proposal and/or ring.

 

[zoebartlett]

We considered ourselves engaged when my husband proposed. We had bought a condo together and had been living together for 1.5 years, and we eventually had my engagement ring and wedding band made. We knew we were going to get engaged before that -- it was just a matter of when. For us, it wasn''t official until my husband asked. I think it just comes down to each couple -- what works best for them and when they choose to call themselves engaged.

 

[blondebunny]

Yes it drives me crazy, everyone keeps saying congrats to me about my FF buying me a ring, but i show them my finger and go, its not there... and they looked shocked, im like he hasnt proposed, so you can congratulate me after... :-
but yes it drives me bonkers!

 

[gwendolyn]

James likes to buy me rings, so every time a new one pops up on my finger, people say, ''OOOH, CONGRATULATIONS!!!'' I say, ''Thank you, it is really great having a boyfriend who enjoys buying me jewelry.'' Then I get this look:

and I just grin.

I won''t consider us engaged until we announce to our families and friends that it''s official. Considering we have no idea where/when/how we''ll be getting married (the ''where'' being the biggest issue since we have no money and our families and friends are split between two countries), we might possibly do the announcing before the ring, or maybe even get married before the ring! Who knows?! It''s all going to be a fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants kind of a thing, I think. But it''s different for everyone.

 

[Rhea]

I was never proposed to. We made a decision to get married and considered ourselves engaged. I was given a ring about two months later, but I was never asked any question. I did consider myself engaged. To me engagement is the agreement by both parties to get married no matter how that agreement happens. For me, it was a dicussion where the two of us agreed to get married.

By your defination I was never engaged at all. We are married now.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/16/2008 10:50:33 AM
Author: Addy
I was never proposed to. We made a decision to get married and considered ourselves engaged. I was given a ring about two months later, but I was never asked any question. I did consider myself engaged. To me engagement is the agreement by both parties to get married no matter how that agreement happens. For me, it was a dicussion where the two of us agreed to get married.


By your defination I was never engaged at all. We are married now.

Oh, I''m sorry, I didn''t mean to discount anyones engagement. It''s just that in my particular situation, we have talked about marriage, and we know we''re getting married. However, it''s really important to FF that we have a traditional engagement, where he plans a big surprise and I get a ring. He''s really excited about it. So until he gets to do that, we''re not officially engaged.

That''s just us -- I absolutely consider you to have been engaged!

 

[Rhea]

Don''t be sorry. You didn''t discount my engagement for me, I''m not that sensitive! Just tying to present another side. It''s not all just about asking a question for everyone.

I''m not engaged anymore either, I''m married now! I think there may be more clear cut guildlines on that

 

[SparklyLibra]

Hi Ladies, I''m new here but this is an interesting topic as some ladies I blog with had this discussion a few weeks ago. Here''s my take on it. By the time both of you start talking the marriage talk, you should both have an idea as to a few things: Is he/she trational in the way of dating/courting/ engagement etc.... If he''s made it clear to you that he is very traditional and plans to propose traditionally, chances the ring talk has already come up and you should know his position on e-rings by now. If that''s the case and there is no ring/ proposal, then there is no engagement....

Now on the other hand, like I said earlier, if marriage talk has come up, and your guy is not so traditional/ not in a position to buy you a ring, but still actually ASKS you to marry him,and you''ve accepted even with no ring, then I''d say its safe to say y''all are engaged.

 

[bee*]

I agree with what Pandora said. D and I knew that we were going to get married for a few years but we had things to get out of the way first. I didn''t consider myself engaged until he proposed and we announced it to everyone. I don''t think that you need a ring to say that you''re engaged.