Wedding dilemma...WWYD?

[momhappy]

I'm sure that the opinions would vary on this one, but for me, personally, I wouldn't feel obligated to attend. I don't feel that second weddings hold the same weight as first weddings, so that's a big part of the decision-making process for me. If it was convenient for me to attend, then, yes, I'd go. However, if the circumstances were difficult (scheduling, travel, finances, etc.), then I would send a gift and not attend.

Ouch! I suppose this is a sentiment many have about marriage. But I certainly don't share it!

You misunderstood. The sentiment is not about the marriage itself - it's about the wedding ceremony. I am in a second marriage myself and I certainly don't think that my second marriage is any less special than my first. I do, however, think that my first and second wedding ceremonies were very different. My first wedding ceremony cost lots of money and tons of family/friends were in attendance. My second wedding ceremony was smaller and neither one of us (DH or I) had expectations that it would hold the same weight in terms of the celebration (ceremony, reception, etc.). My thoughts/opinions in this thread are not about marriage - they are about a wedding ceremony.

Thanks for clarifying. Unfortunately, for many, the ceremony is an important symbol of the marriage. I doubt most other people would be able to separate the two like you can -- and especially the couple getting married. I am not sure the couple getting married would understand, especially emotionally, if you said, "I support you and your marriage, I just don't think the ceremony is that important." In our culture, the ceremony is a fairly important symbol of the union.

Well, of course the wedding ceremony is an important symbol of marriage. That's the way it should be. I'm not separating the two (the marriage and the ceremony). What I am saying is that some folks don't place as much emphasis on second weddings. Even Op said that her sister's wedding plans were toned down (smaller guest list, etc.). Lots of folks, including myself, don't have high expectations of friends/family when it comes to celebrating a second marriage. My DH and I felt that our friends/family had all "been there/done that" and it wouldn't be fair of us to expect the same sort of hoop-la for a second wedding. My DH and I still knew that it was special (for us) and that's all that mattered. We didn't feel a lack of support. Not attending does not imply a lack of support, it simply means that sometimes people can't just drop everything to attend your second wedding. Also, there are ways of politely and/or sensitively declining a wedding invitation. It's not just about "bailing" and leaving it at that. If OP is close to her sister, she should have the ability to have a heart-to-heart discussion with her and communicate her concerns. There are other ways to show support for someone if you can't attend their special day. Send a nice gift, order some flowers that could be utilized during the ceremony and/or reception, have some champagne and crystal glasses delivered (better yet, have the glasses engraved), etc. Get creative - there are lots of possibilities.

 

[VRBeauty]

My sister did mention that she thought people could fly out on Saturday, attend the wedding on Sunday, and then fly home on Monday. That way, they wouldn't need to miss work. That's fine in theory, but who wants to fly across the country and spend just one day at a destination before turning right around and going home? That sounds mean, but that's essentially what would happen for people who don't want to miss work.

Since it's your sister - if you can swing it money-wise - this is exactly what I'd do.

I know traveling these days is far from relaxing, but I'd just plan on making the most of that travel time - bring something to read, the New York Times Sunday puzzle, knitting or crocheting... things that you'd normally be too busy to enjoy fully when school is in session. Look at the weekend as "away" time rather than a long unpleasant trip made to spend just a few hours with your sister.

I'll admit that part of my reaction is due to the fact that I don't have a sister and wish that I did. But - I'd also do this for any of my brothers. Not because I feel I "have to," but because I can.

ETA - that said, the right answer for me might not be the right answer for you, truly.

 

[junebug17]

Yeah Zoe, after reading all these posts, I'm thinking maybe you should just bite the bullet and make the weekend trip for the wedding. I can understand not wanting to miss those first few days of school. It sounds like you can swing going for just the weekend - yeah, it will be a PITA but it's doable and I just think you're going to feel guilty if you don't go. The inconvenience of the trip is the lesser of 2 evils lol.

I re-read my post and don't like how I phrased things (does anyone else do that?) - I made it sound like going to your sister's wedding is something to dread and I didn't mean it that way! All I meant to say that since it's your sister I think in the long run it is worth some inconvenience.

How about running it by the principal and see how he/she reacts? A sister's wedding is a pretty valid reason for missing a few days of school.

ETA: If it was me, and I decided to attend the wedding, I wouldn't do the other trip

 

[zoebartlett]

If you can make it work then you should definitely go. Second marriage aside, this is your sister. But I think your reasons for not going are totally valid enough to provide a graceful reason to decline the invitation. Having met you, I know you're sweet and kind and I know you'll do what you can to make her feel special even if you can't be there. You definitely need to acknowledge the event if you can't go. I just got married for the second time (it's DH's first) on the 20th and we haven't had any sort of acknowledgement besides FB. Not even a card. To be honest, it stings. But that's the breaks when you elope.

Congratulations HH! I'm really, really happy for you! I'm shocked you and your husband didn't receive any acknowledgement from others.

Thanks for the compliment! I reread the thread and I think although the timing isn't great for me, this is my one and only sibling's wedding. Regardless of whether she tells me it's okay not to attend, I'd feel selfish staying home.

Things won't fall apart at work if I miss a day or two, and if God forbid there was a death in the family or something else tragic happened, of course I'd be with my family in a second. Granted, this is not that extreme obviously, but point taken. I think it was TooPatient who brought this up.

Oh, and MZ, I've tried to reach out to my sister to talk about this, but she's really hard to get a hold of.

Thanks again!

 

[zoebartlett]

Junebug, I know what you meant. I'll need to run it by my principal and let him know way in advance, so that will be covered.

VR, I began the thread with a sense of dread about this, although yes, of COURSE I'm really happy for my sister. I know it might not have come through since I was complaining, and like I said, that's why I feel selfish and a bit b!tchy. I get it though.

 

[amc80]

This is a tough decision. If it were me, I would think about which situation I'd regret more. I can't imagine regret going to the wedding, but I'd imagine that I would regret not going.

 

[NOYFB]

I'm sure that the opinions would vary on this one, but for me, personally, I wouldn't feel obligated to attend. I don't feel that second weddings hold the same weight as first weddings, so that's a big part of the decision-making process for me. If it was convenient for me to attend, then, yes, I'd go. However, if the circumstances were difficult (scheduling, travel, finances, etc.), then I would send a gift and not attend.

Ouch! I suppose this is a sentiment many have about marriage. But I certainly don't share it!

I haven't read all of the responses, but this struck me, so I had to respond. Thanks for posting this, Dreamer, because I was going to say the same thing. That stings a bit for those of us who have been married before. My second wedding was by far the biggest day of my life and to think that some people would choose not to attend because it wasn't my first would really upset me.

That being said, I don't think you have an obligation to attend if you are going out for the big celebration beforehand.

 

[momhappy]

I'm sure that the opinions would vary on this one, but for me, personally, I wouldn't feel obligated to attend. I don't feel that second weddings hold the same weight as first weddings, so that's a big part of the decision-making process for me. If it was convenient for me to attend, then, yes, I'd go. However, if the circumstances were difficult (scheduling, travel, finances, etc.), then I would send a gift and not attend.

Ouch! I suppose this is a sentiment many have about marriage. But I certainly don't share it!

I haven't read all of the responses, but this struck me, so I had to respond. Thanks for posting this, Dreamer, because I was going to say the same thing. That stings a bit for those of us who have been married before. My second wedding was by far the biggest day of my life and to think that some people would choose not to attend because it wasn't my first would really upset me.

That being said, I don't think you have an obligation to attend if you are going out for the big celebration beforehand.

I posted this before, but I'll say it again since you might have missed it, but I have been married before. It doesn't sting for me because as I mentioned earlier, I had no expectations of family/friends making a big fuss over my second wedding. We are all different though, so everyone is entitled to their feelings.

 

[aljdewey]

My sister did mention that she thought people could fly out on Saturday, attend the wedding on Sunday, and then fly home on Monday. That way, they wouldn't need to miss work. That's fine in theory, but who wants to fly across the country and spend just one day at a destination before turning right around and going home? That sounds mean, but that's essentially what would happen for people who don't want to miss work.

The bolded feels like it's really the issue for me. You can do this without missing work; it's just less convenient/desireable to you to do it that way.

You've said you're very close to your sister - if so, I think you should ask her (not mom or others). "I probably can't make the trip twice, so tell me which you'd prefer? Would you rather I keep the plan to come out a month prior when I have more time to spend with you, or is it more important to you to have me there for your ceremony even if that means only having that one day?" If she wanted me there for ceremony and I was that close to her, that would be trump to me.

For me, the defining thing is "am I close to this person?" and less what her relationship is to me. I'm not close to my sister at all and probably wouldn't drive down the block for her, but I'm close enough to Mara that I flew across country on a long weekend to be at her baby shower. I'd pull out all the stops for someone close to me.

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks for weighing in, Alj. We're complete opposites in a lot of ways and since our schedules are very different, we don't talk more than once a month, if that, probably. We're not part of each other's daily lives, so there's probably a lot of random things we don't know about each other. Having said that, we get along really well, we've never had an argument in our adult lives, and yes, I think we'd do anything we could for one another if possible. That's one of the reasons I feel like a jerk for bringing this up. It probably was selfish thinking and that's not how I am usually.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

When I'm facing a decision like this, I try to think about what I will think about my choice 10 years from now. What do you think you will regret more? Missing work or missing the wedding.

 

[momhappy]

Thanks for weighing in, Alj. We're complete opposites in a lot of ways and since our schedules are very different, we don't talk more than once a month, if that, probably. We're not part of each other's daily lives, so there's probably a lot of random things we don't know about each other. Having said that, we get along really well, we've never had an argument in our adult lives, and yes, I think we'd do anything we could for one another if possible. That's one of the reasons I feel like a jerk for bringing this up. It probably was selfish thinking and that's not how I am usually.

I don't think that you are being selfish at all. To me, being selfish implies that you think only of yourself and/or your gains, goals, wants, desires. Obviously, you're not thinking only of yourself or you wouldn't have started this thread. You've thought about your sister and her feelings throughout this whole process. People tend to think they are being selfish when faced with tough decisions like this one. It's not about being selfish - it's about making a thoughtful decision after weighing all of the pros and cons.