Wedding Front-Runner/Race to the Altar

[RaiKai]

Date: 3/8/2010 6:47:39 PM
Author: megumic
Thanks again for everyone''s comments and support.


Point of clarification: both of our weddings are OOT, so yes, guests will have to travel for both. Mine is a two hour drive, his is a flight. It will be interesting to see which guests attend which weddings...


We''ve had subsequent conversations and it seems he and his FI don''t want me in the wedding

I am sure your brother is excited to be in your wedding party, however, in no way does that mean he has to include you in his. There is never an obligation to invite someone in your wedding party just because you were in theirs. It''s not a tit for tat sort of thing! Even if the Prince of Wales asked me to be in his wedding party, it would not mean I would have to ask him to be in mine

As for the OOT issue, I really think that is nothing to worry about in respect of your guests. If they were a week apart, maybe, but even then I don''t really see a two hour drive as being OOT or being "prohibitive" in attending a wedding if I wanted to go, and again they are FIVE months apart. I travel more than that in a week! A two hour drive is nothing for most people. One year I went to something like 7 or 8 weddings - many of them a drive or flight away, and I can tell you I never thought one "overshadowed" the other or anything and I chose to go based on whether I wanted to be there or not, not on whether I had just been to a wedding the month before or not. They were each different. Some I enjoyed more than others, but that had nothing to do with how much planning went into it beforehand or how big or small it was, or whether I had a STD six months ahead of time, or only found out about it two weeks beforehand.

Anyway, contrary to what the wedding industry will tell you, your brother does not need a year to plan a wedding and just because he is planning his in two months does not mean he is trying to preempt you or one-up you or that he is rushing it. There seems to be a huge emphasis these days on having to plan a wedding months and months ahead of time to throw the bash of the century. It can become stressful, very costly and the truth is your guests never really notice the little details as much as YOU yourself do (unless they themselves are wedding planning perhaps!). That just does not fit for everyone. For me, the most enjoyable weddings have always been those that feel "personal" and intimate and that has a LOT more to do with the couple than how much time was spent planning or what I took home as a wedding favor. It was not so long ago people just got married in on Wednesday mornings so the couple could take the weekend as their honeymoon and their guests could go to work after the ceremony!

When your brother joked about not wanting a "magazine wedding" like yours I am sure he was not attacking your wedding, but simply saying that a wedding that required a year of planning was just not their style. It certainly was not my husbands and mine. We managed to get exactly the venue we wanted for a long weekend two months out of our engagement(we had a weekend long destination wedding at a Canadian resort with our guests) as it was the off season and we simply did not need a year to plan. I found my perfect dress off the rack as a sample the first afternoon I went shopping. My husband sewed his attire. We arranged rooms at the resort, made the invites ourselves and just invited our guests to show up for the weekend at the resort and enjoy themselves, and find a few hours to spend and participate at our ceremony and our dinner after which we did a la carte. I asked the resort to find a local florist for my flowers. Honestly, we had it all planned within 2 weeks and had nothing else to plan for the following 8! When we got engaged, we did so as we were ready to get married to one another. It did not make sense to either of us to plan for months or years. We recognized the wedding was a celebration, with a very important legal ceremony, however we were ready to continue our lives and not focus it all on a wedding. We would not change anything about our "rushed" wedding - it was beautiful, intimate, relaxing, emotional, definitely unique and reflective of our personalities and our guests had a wonderful time that weekend.

At the end of the day, your wedding fits for YOU, and your brothers wedding fits for HIM. This should not be about one-upping him or even feeling he is one-upping you. Getting into that sort of competitiveness or judging relationships against one another is NOT the way to focus on having a healthy relationship with your own partner, your brother or your own self.

I wish both you AND your brother wonderful marriages.

 

[dcgator]

I just wanted to say that I am sorry that your bro and his wedding plans are making you upset. I''m sure that every soon-to-be-bride on here the ladies in the Newlyweds thread will tell you just how emotional the whole process can be.

To the same year wedding plans: While I didn''t have my bro trying to get married within the same year as I did, I can understand the feelings you have. You have put some much into this and you want people to attend/celebrate your wedding. I think it''s nice that some people can attend 6 weddings a year, but other people have little to no excess spending budgets for travel and will have to make a choice, so it sucks to force family to do this. I had family who couldn''t attend my one wedding in that year b/c budgets are tight, so I understand how 2 weddings in the same year could be difficult.

As for not being included in the wedding party: I don''t know your relationship with your bro, but I can understand how you would feel totally slighted, especially considering he is in your wedding party. And while pp have mentioned it''s not supposed to be a tit-for-tat situation, I think you are more hurt about him not including you, his family. If they weren''t having anyone or just one MOH/Bestman, that is one thing. But since your brother is choosing friends, etc. than clearly it''s not a matter or keeping it intimate. I would be hurt too. But, since it''s his and his fiance''s choice, there is not much you can do. And I would have to agree with pp that at this point, he might add you b/c he feels guilty, and that could just be an awkward situation. So, unfortunately, there is not much you can do there besides offering to help in whatever way you can.

Either way though, I think there is some anger/confusion/resentment at his wedding choice in general. Without approaching the whole BM issue, I would have a heart to heart with him about his life, feelings about your parents, and his decision to get married now. Hopefully, that can at least make you more comforable with his choice.

That being said, no one can tell you how or what to feel and they don''t know the dynamics of your relationship. You are more than entitled to feel hurt. So, please feel free to vent/let it out. We are here not only to discuss all the fun parts of getting married, but we are also here for to help you get through your tough times.

Good luck.

 

[megumic]

Thank you to those whom have left heartfelt posts. I appreciate it. Although it''s easy to be objective and tolerant when it''s not you, I''m fairly certain most brides would be a bit hurt by all of this happening to them as it did to me. While it''s true it is my brother''s life and his choice when and how and to whom to marry, he is still my brother and I feel obligated to share my thoughts with him out of concern for his decision, just as I would any close friend.

Thanks again for the responses.

 

[Nov2109]

Megumic, I can''t imagine how you must feel about your brother. I have an older brother and I would definitely be hurt if I was not included in his wedding.

Don''t worry about his day, his relationship etc. Have fun being a guest at the wedding, have a good time, and try your best not to let it get to you.

Your wedding will be about you and your FI and it will be everything you wanted. You''ll have 5 months to feel special again.

My mom decided to get remarried to her long time boyfriend 3 weeks after we I got engaged. Not planned, just oh by the way we are getting married and having a 50 person wedding in three weeks, which was also the week before my college graduation, which she almost didn''t make it to. It hurt, I felt like no one even remembered that I got engaged, we didnt have an engagement party because of it and it did hurt...so I do know where you are coming from, somewhat. I tried to just let it go. No one talks about my moms wedding, or even cares. Everyone is focused on our wedding, which will surely happen for you.

 

[RaiKai]

Look on the positive side...you don't need to buy a bridesmaid dress

Seriously, I generally enjoy being a GUEST at weddings far more than being in the wedding party. Even if it was for a sibling! Many years ago, before a wedding was even on the horizon for me, my younger sister told me she would only be a maid of honor in my hypothetical wedding if all she had to do was show up and enjoy the party. I said the same. She reiterated this when I did get engaged. She was more than happy when all she was asked was whether she wanted to be our witness and she was told we weren't having a wedding party at all.

Anyway, this is not happening TO you. It's not something personal against you. Try not to take it that way! I really don't think "most" brides would be hurt by this. Some may, but honestly, I don't think most would. I really don't see anything here to BE hurt by, other than some somewhat misdirected disappointment that he is getting married before you when I imagine that was not going to be the situation when you originally planned your date. My mother and stepfather decided spontaneously to get married less than a month after my wedding (they have been together for 25 years however) and I certainly did not take it personally. I was overjoyed in fact! Even though I had to watch their wedding while with my husband via Skype while we were sitting in a Starbucks as we live too far away and it was on a weekday! (the things that technology are used for these days!)

Of course you can talk to your brother, and ask questions and share your thoughts but you should only approach him if you are able to do it in a non-judgmental, curious and open way that really is about being genuinely interested in his decisions. I am not sure how old your brother is or anything, but for me, and my peers, who are in their thirties with established careers, a few previous relationship experiences and life experiences, it really is not all that unusual for people to get engaged in the 9-12 month mark, and married within 1-4 months after that. And, they are all quite happy and strong couples. Just because his decision in your own context seems rushed, does not mean it is in his.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 3/8/2010 10:10:13 AM
Author: redfaerythinker
Not to be harsh... but I think you''re out of line. Yes you have a right to feel slighted, but it is THEIR wedding, not yours. It is almost half a year apart from yours. You don''t own the year. And to be honest... you''ve only met the girl once... why should she be forced to ask you to be a bridesmaid. In my humble opinion, a bride should not be forced to have anyone standing up for her. It should be those that she feels closest to. For this reason I''m not having my FI''s sister in my bridal party. Just try to put yourself in her shoes. This is her special day. Of course she wants her sister to stand with her. To be honest, other than blood tying you to her FI, you are no more than a stranger. With regards to the timeline... it may be sudden, but everyone is different, even in the same family. You have discussed your concerns, and that is all you can do. It''s time to step aside and let him live his life. And maybe learn that the world doesn''t revolve around your wedding.

My thought exactly. I didn''t have my sister or brother in the wedding party, but I did have my 3 SIL. My sister and I are not close, so we chose to have her officiate instead. My brother and DH are not close, so he wouldn''t have chosen him. His groomsmen were HIS choice, like your bro''s fiancee has made HER choice not to include you. I''m not sure what the big deal is about that...

 

[megumic]

I actually understand her not asking me to be a bridesmaid. What I''m disappointed about is that he did not ask me to stand up for him. I''m sure for some traditional couples, this seems awkward. But to me, you should have your most supportive friends and family as part of your wedding party and I know my brother feels the same - but alas he has left me out.

So while I''m not hurt by the fact that his wedding is before mine (annoyed slightly b/c we didn''t anticipate the travel, hotel and rental car costs and truly cannot afford it...) I am hurt that he does not consider me a part of his support system when I am the one he calls every single day. Let''s put it this way, if I were his brother, this would not have happened.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 3/9/2010 5:42:19 PM
Author: megumic
I actually understand her not asking me to be a bridesmaid. What I'm disappointed about is that he did not ask me to stand up for him. I'm sure for some traditional couples, this seems awkward. But to me, you should have your most supportive friends and family as part of your wedding party and I know my brother feels the same - but alas he has left me out.


So while I'm not hurt by the fact that his wedding is before mine (annoyed slightly b/c we didn't anticipate the travel, hotel and rental car costs and truly cannot afford it...) I am hurt that he does not consider me a part of his support system when I am the one he calls every single day. Let's put it this way, if I were his brother, this would not have happened.

Okay, well I, and my family are FAR FAR from traditional (I won't even get started there on my rather non traditional family!) and in no way do I find it weird to for grooms to have women on their side, or brides to have men on their side. If I had had a wedding party, I would of had my brother as my "maid of honor" as honestly not only are we close, but he is far better at that kind of thing than my sister OR I would be.

However, that being said, despite your feelings your brother and his fiancee had their own reasons for making the choices they did for their wedding party. Maybe it does have to do with feeling more "traditional", but maybe not and he views his male friends as being the ones he wants there with him. Your brother obviously does NOT feel the same about having you in his wedding party as you feel about having him in yours, and that IS alright. I do empathize that you feel saddened by it as you did have those sort of expectations, but really, I would not take it too personally. It does not mean he does not feel you are very special. Seriously, each of our guests was VERY important to us in our lives and they were all part of our wedding even if we did not have a wedding party. We invited the guests we did as we DID view them as the people that had been there for us in our lives and that we were closest too. It would of been impossible for us to "choose" a wedding party from those guests on a basis of who is the closest or the "most supportive" as each of them was important and "there" for us. If we HAD chose one, it certainly would not have meant that we did not consider the others not part of our "support" system.

So, I get that you feel a bit hurt as it is not what you would have expected. But don't take it personally and fully embrace the fun of being a guest!

Another thought, each of our guests participate in our wedding ceremony as they chose (i.e with readings, songs, whatever they felt - heck we had one friend do a belly dance ha ha) and it was amazing. What if you shared with your brother that you would love to do a reading or something at his wedding, and see what he and his fiancee think? Obviously he can decline, and you can't tell him what to do for his wedding, but maybe it would be a wonderful way to show your support for him without being part of the wedding party and something he had not considered before.

 

[Nov2109]

It is clear you are more hurt about not being included in his wedding, and that he has not asked you to stand up for him. The other aspect of him getting married before you is more "the icing on the cake".

I have also made the initial post of being mad and hurt and letting those feelings flow into my original post, and then after I calmed myself I realized I probably sounded like a horrible selfish person...when I was just really hurt by someones actions. We''re all human, we''re not always rational, and this is a place you can come and let that out. I almost never came back to this site after a really hurtful situation that was hard to explain through a post. There are so many great people here on PS that I came back

It is not uncommon in traditional arenas to have a woman stand up for a man, I was just at a very formal catholic wedding where the groom had his sister as his best woman. She was his best friend, he didn''t care about tradition or protocol.

I can see why you are hurt and I''m sorry. I hope you can work things out with your brother, just don''t let it destroy your relationship, a wedding is just one day, there will be plenty of other days and years to share together.