Wedding gift related vent and confession.

[Izzy03]

Sorry to be posting a lot of topics but I am bored out of mind writing these thank you notes!

I KNOW what I am about to say is WRONG WRONG WRONG! Weddings are NOT about expecting gifts.....I know this!

Background:
There is this guy, we''ll call him "J". He refers to himself as my hubby''s best friend. Nice guy, but he kinda obnoxious and is a bit of a mooch. He used to show up at our door about once a month and bring a different girl with him each time. Him and his flavor of the week always stayed the night, helped themselves to our beer, liquor, and whatever else was in the fridge. He NEVER really asked to come over, he would just send a text to my hubby (fiance at the time) and INFORM him he was on his way. Even when my hubby would hint that we had other plans, he would still come. By the way, the next morning he would always make a comment like "Sorry dude, we tried to keep the noise down last night." Okay, thanks for informing me I need to sanitize the sheets. Our house is on the beach so it was like he was using it as his 24 hour hotel to show off to these...ahem...skanks. Never did he offer to buy dinner or offer any other gestures to thank hubby for the hospitality.

I let my hubby know that I thought the behavior was rude, but I did not live there (we were long distance at the time) so I made sure to vent to my friends and NOT hubby.

Well now J has a steady girlfriend, she is good for him and they have expressed their plans to marry sometime in the future.

Now to get to the point:
Writing these thank you notes has reminding me that J and his girlfriend did not give us a gift for our wedding. If they were tight financially I would completely understand, but at our wedding they were bragging to us that they went shopping the day before and spent about $500 combined on their designer outfits! Its not about the gift, it is about the principal! I thought someone who considers themselves to be the groom''s best friend (this is a one way sentiment

) would be want to put some thought into a gift. Not to mention the $$ that my hubby has spent on his little house visits! Here comes the evil part: for their upcoming wedding I really have no intention on putting thought or $$ towards a gift for them either

Shameful I know. One of my best friends did not give me a gift either but this friend has been among tough times so I haven''t thought anything of it.


Well I feel better, thanks for reading.

 

[Kelli]

I don't blame you. It sounds like he wouldn't be worth the time. To be honest though, I'd probably get him one just because I'd feel too bad not to. I wouldn't put a lot of thought or money into it though. Maybe just an inexpensive gift card or something.

ETA: I'm not saying you should, I was just saying that I'd have a hard time not giving one-- which would also irritate me.

 

[kama_s]

The simple fact that they spent 500$ on their outfits and not on a small token for you tells me that he isn''t a ''friend''. I would attend their wedding with a nice card and call it a day.

To be honest, I wouldn''t even want to be friends with them. This guy is just plain exploiting your generosity.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I''d just give them a card and be done with it. Clearly he thinks your house is available as a vacation destination so that can be his gift.

 

[decodelighted]

Yeah, I wouldn''t feel badly about not buying him a gift. Just be sure to show up in *really* nice new outfits too.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Um. Ditto everyone else.

And phooey on gifts not being expected. They ARE expected. We just act like they aren''t... We are ALL willing to say that it''s rude to show up to a wedding or shower empty-handed (unless one is REALLY facing a financial crisis), but at the same time, we''re hesitant to say that we, as brides, expect gifts for our weddings.

Gifts. Are. Expected.

And this "friend" you mention Is. A. Douche.

Give him a card & move on. I sure as heck wouldn''t want someone so selfish hanging around.

 

[CNOS128]

A lot of people are under the impression that they have until a year post-wedding to give a gift (even though I recently heard this is not true). Is it possible he''s still planning to send something?

 

[Izzy03]

Date: 4/30/2009 3:54:36 PM
Author: TheBigT
A lot of people are under the impression that they have until a year post-wedding to give a gift (even though I recently heard this is not true). Is it possible he''s still planning to send something?

No no. He doesn''t realize that its rude to invite yourself to stay the night at someone''s house with less than an hours notice. He doesn''t realize it is a little tacky to brag about how expensive your clothes are. He DEFINITELY doesn''t doesn''t know the one year "rule".

 

[neatfreak]

Card him. What a sleeze.

 

[Izzy03]

Date: 4/30/2009 3:50:58 PM
Author: PilsnPinkysMom
Um. Ditto everyone else.


And phooey on gifts not being expected. They ARE expected. We just act like they aren''t... We are ALL willing to say that it''s rude to show up to a wedding or shower empty-handed (unless one is REALLY facing a financial crisis), but at the same time, we''re hesitant to say that we, as brides, expect gifts for our weddings.


Gifts. Are. Expected.


And this ''friend'' you mention Is. A. Douche.


Give him a card & move on. I sure as heck wouldn''t want someone so selfish hanging around.

Yeah I have to admit, I think it is rude to not get a gift, but only because it shows that they put no thought into you. I won''t even go to someone''s house for dinner without taking a bottle of wine or dessert. I once took rice crispy treats to a college party because they told me they not to bring beer because they have 5 kegs!

Yes Pinky, I would feel incredibly rude to not take a gift to someones wedding...come on, a 9 dollar bottle of wine from Publix....something!

 

[sunnyd]

I might chalk it up to ignorance in his case...guys don''t know much about weddings unless they''ve been in one or had one. Maybe he didn''t know he ''had'' to bring a gift?

But given that he''s completely obnoxious, he gets no excuse.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 4/30/2009 4:23:30 PM
Author: sunnyd
I might chalk it up to ignorance in his case...guys don''t know much about weddings unless they''ve been in one or had one. Maybe he didn''t know he ''had'' to bring a gift?

I dont buy it! WHO doesn''t know you''re supposed to bring a gift to a wedding?! I never go to someone''s house without something in hand. AND we have a few single guy friends who are quite clueless about etiquette, but even they bring something when they''re over for a dinner party....even if it''s a bottle of tequila!

 

[Haven]

This guy is rude. No questions. (And the one year rule *is* myth, you do not have one year to give a gift, nor do you have one year to thank someone for a gift.)

Now, you have a choice: Do you follow in his footsteps and behavely rudely yourself by not giving a gift, or do you rise to the occassion and find a small token to give? That choice is entirely up to you,though I know which I''d choose.

 

[Izzy03]

Date: 4/30/2009 4:31:45 PM
Author: kama_s

Date: 4/30/2009 4:23:30 PM

Author: sunnyd

I might chalk it up to ignorance in his case...guys don''t know much about weddings unless they''ve been in one or had one. Maybe he didn''t know he ''had'' to bring a gift?

I dont buy it! WHO doesn''t know you''re supposed to bring a gift to a wedding?! I never go to someone''s house without something in hand. AND we have a few single guy friends who are quite clueless about etiquette, but even they bring something when they''re over for a dinner party....even if it''s a bottle of tequila!

A guest who bring a bottle of tequila is a very good house guest

 

[kama_s]

Date: 4/30/2009 4:38:20 PM
Author: Izzy03

Date: 4/30/2009 4:31:45 PM
Author: kama_s


I dont buy it! WHO doesn''t know you''re supposed to bring a gift to a wedding?! I never go to someone''s house without something in hand. AND we have a few single guy friends who are quite clueless about etiquette, but even they bring something when they''re over for a dinner party....even if it''s a bottle of tequila!

A guest who bring a bottle of tequila is a very good house guest

Haha, indeed!

Haven, I think Izzy and her hubby have ''gifted'' him enough over the years! You dont give in to a mooch, you cut them off

 

[lliang_chi]

Not speaking for Haven but I''d do the token gift and write something snarky in the card.

But I''m petty like that.

 

[musey]

Yep, a card will be more than sufficient for this guy.

I don't care if it's 'sinking to his level,' it doesn't matter, in my opinion. Doesn't seem like he'd notice the difference. Besides, who would he be to notice and/or feel put out by a lack of gift - wouldn't the first thought be "But we gave them... oh wait, we didn't give them anything for their wedding."

 

[wyndham]

Date: 4/30/2009 5:47:44 PM
Author: musey
Yep, a card will be more than sufficient for this guy.

I don''t care if it''s ''sinking to his level,'' it doesn''t matter, in my opinion. Doesn''t seem like he''d notice the difference. Besides, who would he be to notice and/or feel put out by a lack of gift - wouldn''t the first thought be ''But we gave them... oh wait, we didn''t give them anything for their wedding.''

I completely agree with Musey and others -- I don''t think you need to give him a gift at his wedding! If you and your husband truly cared about him as a friend and this was likely a genuine oversight on his part, then I would say to be the ''bigger person'' and bring a gift to his wedding. However, it doesn''t sound like this is an especially good friend...or one that you hope to keep around! I say you''ve done more than enough for him already...invest the money you would spend on a gift on faulous new clothes and a lock for your liquor cabinet before his next unannounced visit!

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/30/2009 5:05:45 PM
Author: kama_s

Date: 4/30/2009 4:38:20 PM

Author: Izzy03

Date: 4/30/2009 4:31:45 PM
Author: kama_s

I dont buy it! WHO doesn't know you're supposed to bring a gift to a wedding?! I never go to someone's house without something in hand. AND we have a few single guy friends who are quite clueless about etiquette, but even they bring something when they're over for a dinner party....even if it's a bottle of tequila!

A guest who bring a bottle of tequila is a very good house guest

Haha, indeed!

Haven, I think Izzy and her hubby have 'gifted' him enough over the years! You dont give in to a mooch, you cut them off

If that's really the way they feel, then I do believe that it is wrong for them to go to the wedding in the first place. If they dislike this couple, don't go to the wedding. If you do like the couple, attend the wedding, and give them a gift to show that you're happy for them and you want to contribute to their joy.

In my opinion, attending the wedding of someone who one does not like is quite rude, *especially* if I plan to spite them and not bring a gift in addition to bringing my ugly thoughts about the couple.

But that's me.

 

[Izzy03]

Date: 4/30/2009 6:33:14 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 4/30/2009 5:05:45 PM

Author: kama_s

Date: 4/30/2009 4:38:20 PM


Author: Izzy03

Date: 4/30/2009 4:31:45 PM

Author: kama_s


I dont buy it! WHO doesn't know you're supposed to bring a gift to a wedding?! I never go to someone's house without something in hand. AND we have a few single guy friends who are quite clueless about etiquette, but even they bring something when they're over for a dinner party....even if it's a bottle of tequila!

A guest who bring a bottle of tequila is a very good house guest

Haha, indeed!


Haven, I think Izzy and her hubby have 'gifted' him enough over the years! You dont give in to a mooch, you cut them off

If that's really the way they feel, then I do believe that it is wrong for them to go to the wedding in the first place. If they dislike this couple, don't go to the wedding. If you do like the couple, attend the wedding, and give them a gift to show that you're happy for them and you want to contribute to their joy.


In my opinion, attending the wedding of someone who one does not like is quite rude, *especially* if I plan to spite them and not bring a gift in addition to bringing my ugly thoughts about the couple.


But that's me.

We really do like them! And hubby swears that he has been a good friend in the past. They are very nice, but this is a guy who is really fun to be around in SMALL doses. They both lacks class and etiquette in some areas. They make comments that offend us sometimes (such as saying our first dance could have been "smoother") but we allow the comments to roll off because sometimes we do have fun with them. As long as they are not at our house

When they marry we will attend, but if my hubby doesn't cave in, they will either receive an empty card, or nothing at all. Yes I am spiteful, I admit it, but spending $$ on their gift when all they did was spend on themselves will seriously annoy me for years! Yes I am that bad

 

[vintagelover229]

Date: 4/30/2009 6:50:13 PM
Author: Izzy03

Date: 4/30/2009 6:33:14 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 4/30/2009 5:05:45 PM

Author: kama_s

Date: 4/30/2009 4:38:20 PM


Author: Izzy03

Date: 4/30/2009 4:31:45 PM

Author: kama_s


I dont buy it! WHO doesn''t know you''re supposed to bring a gift to a wedding?! I never go to someone''s house without something in hand. AND we have a few single guy friends who are quite clueless about etiquette, but even they bring something when they''re over for a dinner party....even if it''s a bottle of tequila!

A guest who bring a bottle of tequila is a very good house guest

Haha, indeed!


Haven, I think Izzy and her hubby have ''gifted'' him enough over the years! You dont give in to a mooch, you cut them off

If that''s really the way they feel, then I do believe that it is wrong for them to go to the wedding in the first place. If they dislike this couple, don''t go to the wedding. If you do like the couple, attend the wedding, and give them a gift to show that you''re happy for them and you want to contribute to their joy.


In my opinion, attending the wedding of someone who one does not like is quite rude, *especially* if I plan to spite them and not bring a gift in addition to bringing my ugly thoughts about the couple.


But that''s me.

We really do like them! And hubby swears that he has been a good friend in the past. They are very nice, but this is a guy who is really fun to be around in SMALL doses. They both lacks class and etiquette in some areas. They make comments that offend us sometimes (such as saying our first dance could have been ''smoother'') but we allow the comments to roll off because sometimes we do have fun with them. As long as they are not at our house

When they marry we will attend, but if my hubby doesn''t cave in, they will either receive an empty card, or nothing at all. Yes I am spiteful, I admit it, but spending $$ on their gift when all they did was spend on themselves will seriously annoy me for years! Yes I am that bad

I think the guy is a jerk and I would give him a nice card and THATS IT. *I was going to do a mini-thread jack but I''m going to start my own thread now....thanks for bringing this up! It makes me feel better!

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/30/2009 6:50:13 PM
Author: Izzy03

We really do like them! And hubby swears that he has been a good friend in the past. They are very nice, but this is a guy who is really fun to be around in SMALL doses. They both lacks class and etiquette in some areas. They make comments that offend us sometimes (such as saying our first dance could have been ''smoother'') but we allow the comments to roll off because sometimes we do have fun with them. As long as they are not at our house

When they marry we will attend, but if my hubby doesn''t cave in, they will either receive an empty card, or nothing at all. Yes I am spiteful, I admit it, but spending $$ on their gift when all they did was spend on themselves will seriously annoy me for years! Yes I am that bad

Sweetie, these people sound like frenemies, not friends.

If they were really friends, you wouldn''t *dream* of giving them an empty card or nothing at all, especially to spite them. If they were really friends of yours, you would forgive them their indecencies, and you would happily give them a wedding gift. That''s what friends do. Frenemies spite each other and hold grudges.

You say they lack class and etiquette--please do not let them rub off on you. If you attend their wedding and purposely give an empty card, you will be doing *the exact same tactless thing* to them that you are condemning them for doing to you. See what I mean? Don''t be *that* person, you''re better than that.

 

[iheartscience]

Haven, you know I love you and your etiquette skillz, but...I''d give them an empty card, too! I suspect you''re the only bigger person in this thread!

 

[princesss]

I''d want to give them an empty card.

Well, I''d *want* to give them a certain finger.

But in the end, I''d hear my mom''s voice in my head saying exactly what Haven is saying. And I''d buy them a small gift, wish them well, and never see them again.

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/30/2009 8:08:15 PM
Author: thing2of2
Haven, you know I love you and your etiquette skillz, but...I''d give them an empty card, too! I suspect you''re the only bigger person in this thread!

I know, I know. I''m not saying it''s easy to do it, and I''m *definitely* not saying that I wouldn''t devise a whole lot of revenge scenarios in my head, but in the end it *always* feels better to kill ''em with kindness.

If I actually did something like give someone an empty card out of spite, my anger and resentment would dissipate over time, and I would find myself feeling mortified by my own behavior sooner or later. And that NEVER feels good.

 

[mimzy]

i am 110% with haven on this one - it''s a slippery slope to being as bad, if not worse then they are in terms of class and etiquette. don''t let their actions dictate yours! if you are normally a generous or thoughtful person, don''t let them take you out of your element.

one of my DHs friends came without a card or a gift to our wedding - c''est la vie. sure, it was lame of him, but whatever. there was no ill will behind it i''m sure, but that wouldn''t be the case if we were to do the same to him since it would be out of spite.

 

[Izzy03]

Okay Haven, you got to me. I am caving.....A LITTLE!

I think I will get them the same $8.99 bottle of wine that I love to drink while I watch Grey's Anatomy. Everyone loves wine right....?

 

[VRBeauty]

He''s hubby''s friend; leave the gift decision up to hubby. Just make sure it comes out of his pocket too!

 

[Izzy03]

Date: 4/30/2009 10:16:25 PM
Author: VRBeauty
He''s hubby''s friend; leave the gift decision up to hubby. Just make sure it comes out of his pocket too!

Heck hubby''s pockets are my pockets now

Luckily hubby agrees the friend will receive a very inexpensive token as well!

 

[mayachel]

Sounds like you are venting. Go ahead. Vent. We can take it.