Wedding gift related vent and confession.

[honey22]

Fair enough, screw being nice. Don''t waste your money on them.

 

[bee*]

I''d like to give them the empty card too but I think I''d just get a small gift. I agree with Haven that you''d just be doing the same thing to them as they did to you.

 

[EmptyLeftHand]

Whilst I too would love to give sweet FA I reckon I''d end up giving them a small something. However, he sounds like a toxic friend - big style. I wouldn''t be that keen to keep the friendship up in its current way. Maybe when he settles down a bit he will become tolerable in larger doses.

FI and I didn''t give a gift at one particular wedding (FI''s friend, FI''s choice).
FI was invited to the whole day but I only got an evening invitation. We both had to fly to the town, stayed over and in the end FI missed out on the meal as he felt bad that I had to kill time by myself in an unknown town.
I felt a bit guilty initially about not giving a gift, but we were really not treated as wedding guests at all, and so the guilt has faded a bit!

 

[LadyBlue]

I totally understand you. We have a small ceremony first, and then a big one. In the small ceremony, we just invite the most important people, parents and best friends. So my hubby best friends, besides one of them arrived late, there was no gift at all. I was suprise because everybody else beside offer help, gave us a present. These friends are now getting enggaged, and I already told my hubby, we are not spending a lot of money for a gift, I will like not to get anything, but that will be rude, so we will get just a really small thing.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Just curious, I''ve heard stories of presents going missing/stolen in the past. I think I even read in a Bridal magazine that you could ask/send a card to people who you didn''t receive a present from, to make sure it didn''t get missplaced. Because if the gift had gotten lost, you wouldn''t want them to think you were so rude as to not send a thank you.

I don''t know how long ago your wedding was, but I (being the passive aggressive person that I am) would totally have called or written asking whether we might have "lost" the present, and we wanted to check just in case there was a delivery problem that I''m sure they''d want to know about...

But that''s just me

I''d go with the 9$ wine and card and call it a day.

 

[Haven]

MakingTheGrade--You are absolutely right, presents do get lost or stolen.
However, I would not send a note asking if the gift was lost. There is no gracious way of saying "We expected you to give us a gift, but we never got one. Was it lost or are you just tacky?"

Instead, a guest can certainly call a couple if they do give a gift yet never receive a thank you card. In fact, you should, just to be sure that your gift wasn''t misplaced. A simple "Hi, dear, I was just calling to make sure that you got the set of china that we sent to you. I was so worried that it was lost when we didn''t hear anything about it from you."

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Date: 4/30/2009 9:31:30 PM
Author: mimzy
i am 110% with haven on this one - it''s a slippery slope to being as bad, if not worse then they are in terms of class and etiquette. don''t let their actions dictate yours! if you are normally a generous or thoughtful person, don''t let them take you out of your element.


one of my DHs friends came without a card or a gift to our wedding - c''est la vie. sure, it was lame of him, but whatever. there was no ill will behind it i''m sure, but that wouldn''t be the case if we were to do the same to him since it would be out of spite.

Gahhh... I was in the "Give ''em an empty card!" camp until I read this. You''re quite right... There was likely no ill will behind the friend''s lack of a present- just ignorance or laziness or something. But if *they* don''t provide him with a gift, it is 100% out of spite.

:sigh:

What would I do with out the PS moral compasses and etiquette mavens?

You help bring out my rational side, even when I''m feelin'' all fired up and snooty.

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/1/2009 10:35:47 AM
Author: Haven
MakingTheGrade--You are absolutely right, presents do get lost or stolen.

However, I would not send a note asking if the gift was lost. There is no gracious way of saying ''We expected you to give us a gift, but we never got one. Was it lost or are you just tacky?''


Instead, a guest can certainly call a couple if they do give a gift yet never receive a thank you card. In fact, you should, just to be sure that your gift wasn''t misplaced. A simple ''Hi, dear, I was just calling to make sure that you got the set of china that we sent to you. I was so worried that it was lost when we didn''t hear anything about it from you.''

ditto. I don''t think there''s any polite way of sending a card saying we didn''t get your present. That''s a good idea to ring them though!

 

[doodle]

I''d also feel obligated to give a gift, although something inexpensive...but if I couldn''t totally override my spiteful side, I''d give him the sheets that he "broke in" at your place. Okay, so sometimes I''m evil...

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/1/2009 11:06:37 AM
Author: bee*

Date: 5/1/2009 10:35:47 AM
Author: Haven
MakingTheGrade--You are absolutely right, presents do get lost or stolen.

However, I would not send a note asking if the gift was lost. There is no gracious way of saying ''We expected you to give us a gift, but we never got one. Was it lost or are you just tacky?''

Instead, a guest can certainly call a couple if they do give a gift yet never receive a thank you card. In fact, you should, just to be sure that your gift wasn''t misplaced. A simple ''Hi, dear, I was just calling to make sure that you got the set of china that we sent to you. I was so worried that it was lost when we didn''t hear anything about it from you.''

ditto. I don''t think there''s any polite way of sending a card saying we didn''t get your present. That''s a good idea to ring them though!

I just want to clarify--I don''t think it''s okay to write *or* call anyone to inquire about a present they didn''t give you. I do think it''s okay to call if you are the one who gave the gift and didn''t get a thank you note, but that''s only to be done to make sure that your gift made it to the couple.

 

[newsboysgrl777]

I haven't read everyone's replies, but here's my "two cents"...why even GO to the wedding? Just because you're invited, doesn't mean you have to go. Some people (like this guy, OBVIOUSLY) are clueless about friendships!! I'm surprised you guys invited him to YOUR wedding. I mean, where does it end? He uses you...you guys don't like him (or am I reading into this? IS your hubby his friend?), so why continue the cycle? Send your 'regrets' that you can't make it to the wedding and maybe a card that says "congratulations" and that's it. He won't even REALIZE he's being snubbed because he's a self-absorbed mooch who OBVIOUSLY doesn't realize the damage his actions do.

This is just me, though...and I know I tend to go with my emotions a LITTLE TOO MUCH and not always have tact, but I'd want to cut this 'friendship' off completely...so why keep up the pretense? And I don't mean this as 'retribution' or 'revenge' or anything...just a 'civil' way of backing out of this relationship.


Edit: Okay, just read all the replies and what someone (Haven?) said is EXACTLY what I was thinking, but couldn't put into words: this guy sounds like a 'frenemy' and I would really, really want to let it go. What GOOD comes from it? Just because you 'have fun with them sometimes' doesn't mean it's worthwhile. It's like the person in an abusive relationship justifying it because 'sometimes (s)he is nice to me.' No!! You get out and RUUUUUUN! FAR, FAR AWAY!!!!

 

[Izzy03]

Date: 5/1/2009 8:09:08 PM
Author: newsboysgrl777
I haven''t read everyone''s replies, but here''s my ''two cents''...why even GO to the wedding? Just because you''re invited, doesn''t mean you have to go. Some people (like this guy, OBVIOUSLY) are clueless about friendships!! I''m surprised you guys invited him to YOUR wedding. I mean, where does it end? He uses you...you guys don''t like him (or am I reading into this? IS your hubby his friend?), so why continue the cycle? Send your ''regrets'' that you can''t make it to the wedding and maybe a card that says ''congratulations'' and that''s it. He won''t even REALIZE he''s being snubbed because he''s a self-absorbed mooch who OBVIOUSLY doesn''t realize the damage his actions do.

This is just me, though...and I know I tend to go with my emotions a LITTLE TOO MUCH and not always have tact, but I''d want to cut this ''friendship'' off completely...so why keep up the pretense? And I don''t mean this as ''retribution'' or ''revenge'' or anything...just a ''civil'' way of backing out of this relationship.




Edit: Okay, just read all the replies and what someone (Haven?) said is EXACTLY what I was thinking, but couldn''t put into words: this guy sounds like a ''frenemy'' and I would really, really want to let it go. What GOOD comes from it? Just because you ''have fun with them sometimes'' doesn''t mean it''s worthwhile. It''s like the person in an abusive relationship justifying it because ''sometimes (s)he is nice to me.'' No!! You get out and RUUUUUUN! FAR, FAR AWAY!!!!

Okay, most of the time I REALLY cannot stand the guy, but he is hubby''s friend, so I will not say whether or not the friendship needs to be cut off. Technically at the time, it was hubby''s house, and if he wanted to deal with the mooch, that was his choice. Unfortunately I had put up with it. Now that we are married, I made it clear to hubby that if it continued, HE would have to put his foot down at some point because it is my house now too. I told him if he didn''t I would leave, take my liquor, and go to my parents for the weekend

Sorry if I gave the impression we both hated the guy. The mooch considers my hubby to be his best friend (don''t best friends give gifts?), and my hubby considers him to be a good friend. Yes the guy is VERY self absorbed, and most of us get quite annoyed when people won''t shut up about themselves, but if hubby really needed something, this guy would be there for him. We were just found it odd that they didn''t think enough about us (hence the self absorbed part) to give us a gift, especially when they CLEARLY had $$ to afford at least a small one!

And don''t get me started on how all the mooching was partially hubby''s fault for not putting his foot down and saying "Sorry, we cannot have guests this weekend".

We will attend the wedding because he is HUBBY''S friend, we will take a cheap bottle of wine, and we will enjoy the free meals and entertainment offered to us while we are there. Why? Because hubby wants to be there for his friend, and because I feel that he owes us

 

[purrfectpear]

For those of you in the "just give a card" camp, Haven is 100% correct.

Just as you don''t expect a gift, you also don''t give a gift because it''s expected, or to be noticed, or deserved.

You bring a gift if you attend as a thank you for the honor of the invite.

If you don''t see it that way, then you need to brush up on your etiquette. Someone else lacking in proper manners does not excuse your doing the same.