Wedding invitation drama!

[zekele]

So here is the situation: We are getting married on Dec 31, 2006 in my hometown in Arizona. My fiance grew up in Chicago and that is where we currently live. We are having a smaller wedding ceremony/reception in Arizona since my parents are paying for it and the budget is tight. Our wedding ceremony will mostly be lifelong friends and family, as well as some of my parents'' friends in Arizona since it is easy for them to make it. In February 2007, we are having a reception in Chicago for people, mostly friends of my fiance''s family, that we can''t invite to our wedding in Arizona. I get the impression that my fiance''s mom is frustrated that her side isn''t going to be as well-represented in Arizona, but when we were initially planning all of this, she seemed really happy with the idea of a separate reception in Chicago, especially considering that Chicago folks invited to Arizona probably wouldn''t be able to make it, anyway.

Now, on to the problem: We are working on invitations. I have made the invitation list with input from my parents and my fiance''s mom. There is list #1, the people who are being invited to the wedding in Arizona, and list #2, the people who are getting invited to the Chicago reception. I had assumed all along that it would be best to treat the two events as completely separate. But a complication has arisen: my fiance''s mom''s friends are planning our wedding shower, which will be in Chicago, and a lot of people they are inviting to the shower are not being invited to the wedding in Arizona (rather, they will be invited to the Chicago reception). They have expressed concern to me that people being invited to the shower will be hurt that they are not being invited to the "real" wedding, and they, along with my fiance''s mom, are telling me that I should send two sets of invitations to EVERYONE, assuring me that people originally on the Chicago reception list won''t come to Arizona anyway.

I e-mailed my parents to tell them about this situation and ask them for advice. I guess I didn''t acknowledge the financial implications of this with enough specificity, because my dad wrote back saying that I didn''t understand that sending two invitations to everyone could open up a much larger Arizona guest list and drive the wedding cost way up. My parents have been stressing about the cost of the wedding to begin with and it has taken a lot for me to earn their trust that I will be careful about keeping the guest list down.

What''s more is that we just received our save the date cards and I was going to work with my fiance''s mom on sending them out this weekend. But my dad said that now I must give him a final list of save the date card recipients for him to approve before I can send them out. I feel like he thinks I''m a child, and like he can''t trust me. I know that he doesn''t trust my fiance''s mom with this, and he''s worried that she will influence me to invite more people than we originally planned.

If anyone is still reading my rambling, do you have any advice on this situation? How should I handle invitations for a wedding/reception in my home state and a separate reception in my fiance''s home town? How can I keep my parents and my future mother-in-law happy without anyone thinking I am being unwise about money, or unfair about invitations?

 

[JulieN]

well. guests invited to an engagement party or shower should be invited to the wedding.

I guess if the the two events were closer together, it could work. 3 or 4 weeks apart?

 

[sydneycasandra]

I feel for you... what a tough situation.

We are in a predicament very similar to yours and finally figured out how to (sort of) deal with it. It sounds like you have already got the invitations printed or ordered, although I''m not sure. What about this:

Have *one* invitation made, and send it to everyone. In that invitation, have three different blocks of text, "announcing" the wedding (and include the location and time for yours since it will be the wedding invitation for some people), and also "announcing" the reception; people sort of feel that they''re being invited to both, if they can come to both (which most probably wouldn''t d/t cost), and then they will hopefully self select.

(ours was worded this way)

front: announcing the wedding of S & D

inside:

to be held on 5/22/06 @ XX resort in Jamestown, Antigua (you would probably include the time and name of church, facility, address, etc)
*
A reception will be held at the home of the bride''s mother at xxx lane, xxx, state, on June 3rd at o clock in the afternoon
*
if we can expect the good fortune of seeing you at the reception (perhaps here you could put "at either of these celebrations"), kindly respond no later than may 1st yadayadayada.


It could serve as a wedding invite to *everyone*, thus stepping on no toes, but also as a reception invite to *everyone*, and probably most Chicago people will say "oh well we can''t make the wedding in Arizona but we can come to the reception in chicago!" Everyone''s happy, you send one invitation, and if any Chicago people DO decide to come to the Arizona wedding... well, if they''re good enough friends to fly from Chicago to Arizona to see you get hitched, let ''em come!

No one has seemed offended or confused by our invitations; obviously we were getting married out of the country so we were pretty sure no one would show (not quite as far as Arizona of course, well, actuallly, from where we live.. perhaps so, but anyway). Everyone that bothered to RSVP seemed happy to come to the reception, I''ll wear my wedding dress again, etc.

Let them eat cake!

 

[NewShiny]

We had a similar situation as well, wedding in CA, reception in PA.

We sent two sets of invitations. One formal invite to the CA wedding was sent to everyone and one more casual reception invite (sent out by MIL) just to the people from PA. People decided for themselves which event to attend, and we were pleasantly surprised that about 15 people came to both!

 

[selflove]

I can relate...we are having two weddings as well. However, our''s are in southern California and in central Europe, so 6K miles makes it easier to assume who would come and who would not.

As for the STD''s, not everyone needs to get them. Maybe don''t send them to anyone in Chicago--that way they won''t have enough advance notice to make travel plans.

As for the invites, if you send them like 3-4 weeks before the Arizona wedding, people probably won''t come anyways. You could explain this to your dad.

Boy, I''m sorry you have to deal with this! It does sound like a lot of drama and you have to manage the stress of both your dad and your FMIL. Is there any way that you and FI can pick up the cost of any extra Chicago guests who might decide to come to AZ? Or could your FIL''s pick up the cost? Are the FIL''s the ones paying for the Chicago reception?

 

[zekele]

Thanks for the advice, all. My dad has laid down the law: NO extra Chicago people are to receive invitations to Arizona just because they're invited to the shower. He said, "Just because your FMIL's friends are inviting extra people to the shower doesn't mean they can invite them to the event your mother and I are paying for." I agree with my dad but I also don't want to be tacky and invite people to the shower who aren't invited to the AZ wedding. So, I am going to try to talk to my FMIL and her friends and ask them to reduce the list of shower invitees. If they do not want to do this, then I am going to tell them that we cannot call it a bridal shower.

My dad is upset, my FMIL will be upset ... and I am stuck in the middle! Also I am afraid that my parents and my FMIL aren't going to listen to me since I am the "child." If I feel like my voice is not being heard, I am going to ask my mom to talk to my FMIL and her friends, because maybe then they will listen!

Ugh! So much drama! Can't I just get together and have a good time with my friends and family without worrying about crap like this?

Thanks again for the input and thanks for listening to my rambling

Edit: To answer your questions about what my FMIL is paying for, she is paying for the Chicago reception with my fiance's and my help. Money is REALLY tight for her - much more so than for my parents (honestly, most of their financial stress comes from their frugality, but I respect that). So, she can't help pay for any extra guests that want to come to AZ, and frankly, it kind of upsets me that she implicitly expects my parents to pay for extra people when they are already footing a sizeable wedding ceremony/reception bill.

 

[rms]

weddings and drama...almost always happens, especially if you are having 2 of them.

We had 2 weddings/receptions, 1 on the west coast, 1 on the east. We invited maybe 20 people to both. Only about 10 people came to both. Everyone else knew that we had 2 though.

Truthfully, I think that if people are your friends and you tell them that this is what you guys are planning, that you so wish that everyone could come to both celebrations, but that it''s just not possible financially and/or because of distance, they will understand. That''s what we did, and it worked out just fine for us.

Good luck, and keep us posted.