weekend letdown

mochamamasita · Nov 16, 2009

I''ve been with my boyfriend for five years and we met in college. First, I waited an extra year for him to graduate from college, then I waited a year for him to find a job after college, now I''ve been waiting for him to save for the ring. Yesterday he told me that he''d saved up enough money for the ring, and he went to the jewelry store and he freaked out and realized that he''s not mentally ready to get married and that he has no idea when he''ll be ready. Two years ago we both set a timeline that we''d be engaged by March 2010, and about a year ago, he told me that he was mentally ready, but that he just wasn''t financially ready. Now I don''t know what to do because he doesn''t even have any idea when he''ll be ready. He said it could be next year, or it could be 6 years from now. SIX YEARS!!!!!!. That means we would have been together 11 years!!!! I know that I want to marry him, and that I don''t want to break up with him, but I just don''t know how we''re supposed to make it. I am not a patient person, and even though I love him, I can''t see myself just sitting around for six years getting more and more bitter as the years go by. Now that he''s told me how he feels, I feel like our relationship has changed. I just don''t want to be around him as much anymore because it hurts too much and whenever I think about it, I burst into tears. *sigh* Do you guys have any advice on how I can get through this?

Erin · Nov 16, 2009

Let me share something strange and counterintuitive about men with you...Tons of men only recognize their love for women and decide they want to commit AFTER they go through the experience of thinking they''re LOSING that woman. I know it''s weird and completely doesn''t make sense, but it''s true.

The thing is... if you''ve got a man who is acting or telling you he''s not ready, how do you know if he''s just saying that and stalling, or if he''s really not worth your time? If you try and push a man into thinking about commitment for commitment''s sake, his natural fears and resistance comes up. But, if you get him to focus on YOU and what he has and shares with you, and show him what he''s about to lose, he''ll respond VERY differently.

Dreamgirl · Nov 16, 2009

Well, I've been with my boyfriend for 11 years. We have our reasons.

Maybe your guy just needs more time. Don't push the topic too much or he will get upset with you over it. When the time is right, it will happen. Just be patient!!

Luckyeshe · Nov 16, 2009

{{{HUGS}}}

I''m like you in regards to not being patient. Ask him if why he doesn''t feel "ready". Is it because he wants to accomplish or finish more stuff before proposing? If that''s the case, then I think you need to decide for yourself how much longer you''re willing to wait. Maybe he was more shocked about the price of the ring and hence he''s not ready. Or it''s possible that he''s just really not ready and has no idea when he''ll BE ready. You need to have an internal clock as to how long you''re willing to be in standby. I know you love him. But you have to love yourself too and if you end up bitter...who does that really help? If I were you, if my internal deadline passes, I''d reassess how I feel and think about moving on. Yes, you invested a lot of years with him, but are you willing to invest 2-6 more years without getting engaged and potentially married? Good luck, sweetie.

lilyfoot · Nov 16, 2009

Date: 11/16/2009 2:33:42 PM
Author: Luckyeshe
{{{HUGS}}}

I''m like you in regards to not being patient. Ask him if why he doesn''t feel ''ready''. Is it because he wants to accomplish or finish more stuff before proposing? If that''s the case, then I think you need to decide for yourself how much longer you''re willing to wait. Maybe he was more shocked about the price of the ring and hence he''s not ready. Or it''s possible that he''s just really not ready and has no idea when he''ll BE ready. You need to have an internal clock as to how long you''re willing to be in standby. I know you love him. But you have to love yourself too and if you end up bitter...who does that really help? If I were you, if my internal deadline passes, I''d reassess how I feel and think about moving on. Yes, you invested a lot of years with him, but are you willing to invest 2-6 more years without getting engaged and potentially married? Good luck, sweetie.

And seriously, who''s to say that when you reach 6 years he still won''t be ready? Some people are NEVER "ready". You need to back away from the situation and evaluate what is really going on here.

Either he is not being very clear with you about what''s going on in his head, or it didn''t come across in your post. What does he mean when he says he''s not ready? If he is telling you that he can not make that level of commitment to you, please listen to him, and don''t push. If he''s one of those "I have to have x amount of money, a house, a good job, etc" type of guys, then it''s a different situation.

IMO, the only thing really left to do here is for you to decide if you can put up with the wait. Is being with your BF more or less important than being married to him? Personally, I would definitely be willing to wait for my BF for as long as it would take him (luckily he''s gung-ho about marriage). He is literally the greatest man I''ve ever met, and I know nobody could top, or even come close, to him. The connection we have, and the way he makes me feel, is more important to me than a ring or social status. BUT this would only be if he was CLEAR on his intentions. It doesn''t sound like your BF is being very clear with you.

princesss · Nov 16, 2009

Oh, honey. I''m sorry. This is not an easy situation at all.

It seems like he''s doing some thinking about what''s right for him, so I''d do some thinking about what''s right for me. Without considering him, what do you want to do in life? Where do you want to be? I know you love him, but if you can''t see yourself waiting forever to marry him, it''s time to start figuring out what you want. There''s nothing wrong with sticking around and being with him, but make sure if you do that you''re okay with the possibility of never getting married. If he can''t nail down a general time frame (there''s a HUGE difference between 1 year and 6 years!) and you know you''re not going to wait forever, enjoy this time with him but start focusing on yourself and your wants and your needs. Maybe he''ll realize that you''re a wonderful woman that deserves a great husband, and he''ll propose. Maybe he''ll waste his time, and you''ll develop yourself and blossom so much you''ll cut ties on your own, and be off on a new adventure.

It''s going to work out the way it''s supposed to, but that doesn''t mean it''s not painful to see your plans start to crumble. You''re a strong woman, and you''ll be okay.

sctsbride09 · Nov 16, 2009

Ok Im going to be totally honest here. If I were in your situation I would be livid. First of all you have been together 5 years, you have finished college, AND he set a deadline with you. WHERE is the hold up?! So he saved enough money (which shows he REALLY thought about said deadline) but when he goes to buy the ring, he realizes he is not mentally ready? Ok so 2 years wasnt enough prep time for him? I dont think its fair to put this extra time on you, if your deadline was march 2010, I think you should keep your word. Some men do need to lose a woman before they realize how great she was, but my question is why should it get to that point? Im so sorry for your situation, and I wish you the best. Hopefully he wises up SOON.

TooPatient · Nov 16, 2009

Just be careful with leaving him to get him to commit.

If you leave and then he proposes, would you be happy? Or would you always wonder if he only proposed (and eventually married) to you because he felt like he HAD to?
Would he feel like you are trying to manipulate him into proposing and just get pushed further away?

I don''t know you. I don''t know him. And -- I''m not a psychologist. These are strictly my thoughts and the questions I would be asking myself.

Luckyeshe · Nov 16, 2009

Date: 11/16/2009 2:43:13 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 11/16/2009 2:33:42 PM
Author: Luckyeshe
{{{HUGS}}}

I''m like you in regards to not being patient. Ask him if why he doesn''t feel ''ready''. Is it because he wants to accomplish or finish more stuff before proposing? If that''s the case, then I think you need to decide for yourself how much longer you''re willing to wait. Maybe he was more shocked about the price of the ring and hence he''s not ready. Or it''s possible that he''s just really not ready and has no idea when he''ll BE ready. You need to have an internal clock as to how long you''re willing to be in standby. I know you love him. But you have to love yourself too and if you end up bitter...who does that really help? If I were you, if my internal deadline passes, I''d reassess how I feel and think about moving on. Yes, you invested a lot of years with him, but are you willing to invest 2-6 more years without getting engaged and potentially married? Good luck, sweetie.

Click to expand...

And seriously, who''s to say that when you reach 6 years he still won''t be ready? Some people are NEVER ''ready''. You need to back away from the situation and evaluate what is really going on here.

Either he is not being very clear with you about what''s going on in his head, or it didn''t come across in your post. What does he mean when he says he''s not ready? If he is telling you that he can not make that level of commitment to you, please listen to him, and don''t push. If he''s one of those ''I have to have x amount of money, a house, a good job, etc'' type of guys, then it''s a different situation.

IMO, the only thing really left to do here is for you to decide if you can put up with the wait. Is being with your BF more or less important than being married to him? Personally, I would definitely be willing to wait for my BF for as long as it would take him (luckily he''s gung-ho about marriage). He is literally the greatest man I''ve ever met, and I know nobody could top, or even come close, to him. The connection we have, and the way he makes me feel, is more important to me than a ring or social status. BUT this would only be if he was CLEAR on his intentions. It doesn''t sound like your BF is being very clear with you.

Mochamamasita, I agree with Lilyfoot. If you can be happy with him without marrying him, then stay. Right now you need to step back and reassess your personal needs.

Threadjack...
Lilyfoot, I agree with you also about the orange highlighted part! I think it helps a lot knowing that they intend and want to be married to us so we don''t feel so bad or bitter when the engagement takes longer! As long as you know they''re just as excited as you, then it''s no big deal...you just know it''ll be here in a little bit...
Threadjack done!

decodelighted · Nov 16, 2009

Sometimes I think advice should come with disclaimers

... honestly, I hope some long married women stop by LIW today & offer up some advice. I'm not "long married" (3 yrs) but I am O-L-D (42 -- j/k! totes not old! really!) And I'm in the:

LISTEN TO WHAT HE'S TELLING YOU camp. He's not ready. He doesn't know when he'll EVER be ready. And that is not the recipe for a lasting marriage IMHO. Being "patient" and "good" is for the birds! The folks who advocate that plan can keep on waiting .... & in the meantime you can find someone who is crazy about you and wants to marry you this decade.

Don't leave him *in the hopes* he'll commit. That's foolish. And "playing games". (Also for the birds.) If you leave its to pursue a life with out him, which includes finding a partner who is UNCONFLICTED about marriage and marriage to *you*.

Erin · Nov 16, 2009

I agree not to play games to get him to commit, but going about the whole conversation of why why why? when when when? is only going to be met with resistance and fear.

However, if you say,
If you don't know when you'll be ready then remember I also can't wait around forever.
then it reminds him that it's a win/lose situation.

caribari · Nov 16, 2009

Sorry to hear this. I have a couple of thoughts.

Are you sure he didn’t freak out about the ring prices? From your post, it sounds like he did a pretty abrupt 180 at the store, and maybe it has something to do with sticker shock?

I would also be livid if SO & I had set a timeline for engagement two years ago and he was suddenly backing out. Unfortunately though, he is entitled to his feelings. Is he able to offer you any concrete reasons on why he is feeling this way? Is it a fear of marriage… or something else?

For both your benefit, I would let things simmer for a few weeks, and think. Honestly evaluate whether you are willing to wait 6 years (or forever?) for a commitment. Worst case scenario, are you willing to give up marriage for this guy?

I’m impatient like you, and I can imagine how bitterness over this would literally eat me alive. What I don’t want for you is for you to get so angry and bitter to the point where this disagreement defines your relationship.

Good luck and lots of hugs

HopeDream · Nov 16, 2009

Hugs!

You deserve a vacation!

I recommend a trip with your best friends to the tropics or the orient.

You deserve some fun and adventure - a step back to figure out what''s best for you,

and space for your Muddled BF

conversely, read Eat Pray Love - it''s almost like a vacation.

decodelighted · Nov 16, 2009

STICKER SHOCK? Are you people *serious*??? STICKER SHOCK? As if a man who wanted to get married would be worried about having enough coins in his piggy bank for a big enough ring. Or someone would save for something for two years w/o having any idea how much things cost?

Grasping at straws people. Where''s Kenny? What does he have to say about THIS kind of advice that''s dished out willy nilly. More dangerous than someone being conned into buying a fish-eye diamond FOR SURE.

mochamamasita · Nov 16, 2009

Thanks for all of your comments. He said that he''s sure that he wants to marry me, and that he loves me very much, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but that marriage is a huge thing, and that he''s just not ready for it yet. He said that "real men" get married, and that he doesn''t feel like a "real man" yet. When I asked him to explain what a "real man" is, he couldn''t really explain it. All that he said is that he doesn''t feel stable in his job yet. But then I asked him if he felt stable in his job, whether he''d be ready to get married, and he said that he didn''t know. *sigh* I''m so confused. I think that for now I''ll see how I cope with the situation, but if I start to get too bitter, then I might have to consider setting an internal deadline.

AustenNut · Nov 16, 2009

I''m so sorry that this is happening. It does sound as though the ring prices may have rendered him a bit shell-shocked, or maybe that was just the spark that made him realize his fears/anxieties. Be that as it may, the person you need to worry about and take care of is yourself. Perhaps distancing yourself from him isn''t a bad idea. Hang out more with your friends, or take a class you''re interested in, or do other things to give both of you some space and time to think. If it turns out that he''s not ready and won''t be within your timeframe then you''ve also started to rebuild your life that isn''t centered on him. Or it may be that getting just that extra bit of space makes him want to commit to you all the more. Either way, you win.

mochamamasita · Nov 16, 2009

In response to the "sticker shock thing", he''s known how much the ring cost for a while because he''s been saving for it for the past 2 years, but I guess it''s possible that when he walked into the jewelry shop, when he realized how much he was about to spend, it could have have made him reconsider whether he was ready to take such a big step.

luckynumber · Nov 16, 2009

only you know the whole story, but from what you''re telling me, my spidey senses are tingling and it''s bad news i''m afraid.

either he''s a committment phobe, or he''s just not that into you.

what exactly is a real man?

a real man would step up to the plate and not leave you dangling.

six years my ass.

sorry, i''m dishing out tough love tonight....

NewEnglandLady · Nov 16, 2009

At least he's being very honest with you. He's not ready, he wants to keep the relationship as is because it's comfortable and it takes a "real man" to make the kind of commitment you're asking him to make. He's still a boy.

He's not ready to commit. You're not ready to leave. One of two things will happen: eiither he will become ready while you're still waiting or you'll get tired of putting your life on hold for him and leave. Until then, you'll be in limbo.

For now the ball is in your court--he's told you where he stands and you can decide if it's enough for you.

Kaleigh · Nov 16, 2009

Date: 11/16/2009 3:46:20 PM
Author: decodelighted
Sometimes I think advice should come with disclaimers

... honestly, I hope some long married women stop by LIW today & offer up some advice. I''m not ''long married'' (3 yrs) but I am O-L-D (42 -- j/k! totes not old! really!) And I''m in the:

LISTEN TO WHAT HE''S TELLING YOU camp. He''s not ready. He doesn''t know when he''ll EVER be ready. And that is not the recipe for a lasting marriage IMHO. Being ''patient'' and ''good'' is for the birds! The folks who advocate that plan can keep on waiting .... & in the meantime you can find someone who is crazy about you and wants to marry you this decade.

Don''t leave him *in the hopes* he''ll commit. That''s foolish. And ''playing games''. (Also for the birds.) If you leave its to pursue a life with out him, which includes finding a partner who is UNCONFLICTED about marriage and marriage to *you*.

Ditto to Deco. I have been married for 23 years. He ain''t ready and don''t know if he ever will be. Do you sit around and wait?? I know I wouldn''t..

Move on with your life, look at how long you have waited and gotten the big goose egg.... Yanno??? I don''t mean to sound harsh that''s not my style.

I would say look, we need a break. I am not taking a break wanting you to propose, but need time for me... to figure out some things...It''s best to do this now before waiting anymore for something that may well not happen......

Best of luck, I know it''s hard...

Treasure43 · Nov 16, 2009

Date: 11/16/2009 5:46:58 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
At least he''s being very honest with you. He''s not ready, he wants to keep the relationship as is because it''s comfortable and it takes a ''real man'' to make the kind of commitment you''re asking him to make. He''s still a boy.

He''s not ready to commit. You''re not ready to leave. One of two things will happen: eiither he will become ready while you''re still waiting or you''ll get tired of putting your life on hold for him and leave. Until then, you''ll be in limbo.

For now the ball is in your court--he''s told you where he stands and you can decide if it''s enough for you.

Sadly, I have to agree completly with this post. He IS being honest with you and he''s telling you he''s not ready. To me, the whole sticker shock idea is pure bull. My FI is an accountant and EXTREMELY cautious about spending money. He had to ruminate for MONTHS to spend $800 on a tv. Anyway, I know spending the money he did on a ring wasn''t the easiest thing he''s ever done (he HATES spending money!) but he says it''s the best money he''s ever spent and that it was worth every penny and more when I said yes to marrying him.

Basically, the choice is yours. If he''s not sure if he will ever be ready just make sure you''re alright with that. Otherwise you''ll become bitter. Good luck!

waterlilly · Nov 16, 2009

My opinion - Time to GO.

You have been together long enough for him to know yes or no. If he claims he does not know by now, you need to move on with your life and find someone who is. Life is short - this is YOUR life, don't waste a second of it on someone who is wasting your time.

I don't care how much he says he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you but he's not ready to get married? Double talk - get walking double-time!

Again - LIFE IS SHORT, find someone who is pawing for your hand to put a ring on it!

katomm · Nov 16, 2009

I have to agree with starset princess. First and foremost you need to do what''s best for you. And sometimes men just get comfortable with how things are. Then when they sit and think about what getting married means they freak out. It unfortunately may take you taking a step back before he can take a step forward. I''m not saying you should break up with him if it''s not what you want to do, but maybe you should find more outside activites and friends to do things with so you have more time away from him. He might need that time without you so that the heart grows fonder.

waterlilly · Nov 16, 2009

Date: 11/16/2009 7:30:13 PM
Author: katomm
I have to agree with starset princess. First and foremost you need to do what's best for you. And sometimes men just get comfortable with how things are. Then when they sit and think about what getting married means they freak out. It unfortunately may take you taking a step back before he can take a step forward. I'm not saying you should break up with him if it's not what you want to do, but maybe you should find more outside activites and friends to do things with so you have more time away from him. He might need that time without you so that the heart grows fonder.

I just have a very hard time with this advice. Real men do NOT get freaked out about the thought of being married to someone they truly love. Why would you ever want to be with someone that you needed to "help" realize he wanted to be with you??

Don't step away, don't "threaten" to leave, don't put it on the back burner - put your feelings out there very clearly and demand he act like an adult and give you a clear answer.

If you are ready to be married - then that is what you should have! If he "freaks" out or gets "scared" about the thought of being married to you, what more is there to wait for after 5 years of being together? You deserve better!

decodelighted · Nov 16, 2009

Sometimes the timing is just wrong ... you can love someone and see a life with them but not be ready for that life to start *today*.

Perhaps graduating from college & getting a job & having a bit of money to spend has given him a taste of "young professional life" which he may associate with being single, dating, trips with his friends, playing the field etc.

For him "being married" or being a "real man" might be babies spitting up on you & all his money going for family things and "settling down" before he''s really had a chance to live the life of a bachelor.

I can''t read his mind -- nor can you. But I wouldn''t assume "real man" is just about income. He''s saying he''s not *ready* ... but it might also be something he *doesn''t want* ... right NOW, that is. People have a way of BECOMING READY for things they WANT. Rising to the challenge. If he doesn''t, it doesn''t mean he doesn''t love you. Might just be the timing. If he met you in three years, five years things might have been different -- or might still be.

mochamamasita · Nov 16, 2009

Thanks for all of the advice guys. Man, you guys sure are giving me a lot to think about. I could just move on and find someone else, but at this point in our relationship, I really feel like he''s the person who I''m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Since we''re both still pretty young (24), I think I''ll give him a little longer to "be ready". But if he takes too long, then I''m afraid that I''ll have to move on. So... how old were you guys'' boyfriends when they decided that they were ready to get married?

Treasure43 · Nov 17, 2009

Mine was 25

bee* · Nov 17, 2009

I''m really sorry to hear what''s happened. I think that he has told you how he feels so it''s definitely up to you to decide how you want to go on. To answer your question, DH was 27 when he decided that he wanted to get engaged. We were in a similar position to you guys in that we started talking about engagements and his timeline was 2 years so that we both started saving and getting out careers in order.

NewEnglandLady · Nov 17, 2009

I see nothing wrong with giving it more time, you need to be ready or you''ll just come back to the relationship without any real changes on his part.

I walked away from my relationship when I was 25 after 7 years. We were married when I was 26.

Also, the cost of the ring was an issue when I was ready and he wasn''t. I told him I didn''t want something traditional, he insisted that he wanted something traditional, but the money *insert excuse here*. When he was ready, writing the check was no problem at all and he says it''s his favorite purchase. He is the first to admit that a man who isn''t ready will come up with any excuse in the book. A man who''s ready has no excuses at all, just excitement.

purselover · Nov 17, 2009

Date: 11/17/2009 1:55:34 AM
Author: mochamamasita
Thanks for all of the advice guys. Man, you guys sure are giving me a lot to think about. I could just move on and find someone else, but at this point in our relationship, I really feel like he''s the person who I''m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Since we''re both still pretty young (24), I think I''ll give him a little longer to ''be ready''. But if he takes too long, then I''m afraid that I''ll have to move on. So... how old were you guys'' boyfriends when they decided that they were ready to get married?

FI & I both had just turned 24 when we decided we were ready to get married and he proposed about 3 months after that talk. I think Deco''s advice is spot on. I''m sorry but I think his actions make it clear he''s not sure he''s ready to get married, he''s finished with school has a good job and money saved, yet won''t (not can''t, but won''t) go through with buying the ring? There is no concrete reason why he''s not ready, and I''m sorry but that''s bull, men who want to get married propose to their girlfriends it really is as simple as that!

weekend letdown

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