weekend letdown

[AustenNut]

My boyfriend was 30 (he turns 31 today!) when he started talking about getting married. And when I think back to my college friends, the guys just weren''t ready early on (and neither were lots of the girls). The first girls to get married were around 26-27 and the first guy of our group got engaged at 28 and will be married at 29. One of the guys dated a girl for a couple of years, they were living together, and he thought she was the greatest girl. She wanted a further commitment from him and though he thought they would do well together as a married couple, he just wasn''t ready. And he was around 25 or 26 at that time. But if that same situation had occurred now (he''s turning 30 next week) I think he would have married her. So there are a lot of people (male & female) who just aren''t ready when they''re in their early 20s, even if they''re employed and financially secure.

The people I know (or know of) who got married around 22 or 23 tended to be from very religiously conservative backgrounds, and most of them started families very early as well. There''s only 1 person who got married that young who waited until 28 or 29 to have a child. So it may also be that your boyfriend is thinking that marriage = kids and family responsibilities as well.

 

[LilyKat]

I was all set to tell you to leave - until you mentioned his age. 24 is young for a man to be ready to be married. Of course, some are - just probably not most. It''s difficult, because a lot of women are ready at 24, yourself included.

Sometimes relationships don''t work out due to bad timing. There is nothing you can do to make him feel ready if he does not. Whether or not you stay and wait around - with no guarantees for the future - or leave to find someone else who is on the same page as you right now, depends on how you feel about him, and how resentful his backtracking on your mutually agreed timeframe is making you.

Personally, I would start focusing on building your life outside your relationship. Spend more time with your friends, try to meet new people (in a non-romantic sense), concentrate on your own future and interests rather than waiting around for him. I honestly feel that doing that with give you a clearer idea of whether your relationship with him, as it is, is improving or worsening your life. And then you''ll be ready to make a decision.

 

[trillionaire]

24 is young. He''s not ready. You need to decide if HE is more important to you, or if marriage is in GENERAL. Not saying you can''t have both, but if you want both, you have to wait for him to get on board. My FI and I are 27, we''ve been together for 6+ years. He proposed 4 months ago. He''s said he wanted to marry me pretty much since forever, but he wouldn''t have been ready earlier than he did it. I was 26 at the time, and we''ll get married at 28. Some people act like getting married is when your ''life begins together'', but you are LIVING your life together right now! Don''t lose sight of that. You have a special relationship, and those don''t come along everyday. Don''t take it for granted.

The other thing to look at, is are his peers or family members married? Men tend to move that direction as a group. No one wants to be the first married guy. It''s weird and different, and probably scary.

Good luck!

 

[tlh]

Sounds like you''re doing a lot of waiting. Anything else you''re doing... other than waiting?

The wait is enough to drive you insane. Don''t put your life on hold IN WAIT. My situation was different when I was in wait.... so I cannot compare. Are you still living in seperate cities? this adds another dimention, if so.

Focus on YOU. What do you want out of life? Anything you''ve ever wanted to try or do? Anything you feel you could no longer do.. after the I Do''s? Anything you want to prove to yourself on your own? Figure out what YOU want out of this life of yours... more than just where he fits in it.

Just don''t put YOUR life on hold, waiting to share a life together WITH him. You''ll just end up frustrated and bitter.

Hugs to you!

 

[junebug17]

I was ready to say I think you should move on, then I realized he''s 24 and that really is young. And you''re young too! I think it''s reasonable that he may not be quite ready, he''s probably enjoying being young and carefree right now, and at 24 that''s really not a bad thing. You guys have many years ahead of you, maybe you should just relax and enjoy these youthful years, the time goes by so quickly! To be honest, I was married at 23 (turned 24 the next week) and looking back on it I don''t think I was quite ready...by 26-27 I felt much more ready to settle down. So IMO it''s not unreasonable that he may need a little more time. In the meantime, I agree with the other posters, don''t just sit around and wait! Take advantage of the time you have right now...take a class, take up a hobby, join a club, do volunteer work, do things with your girlfriends. Focus on yourself, enjoy your youth!

Now, after having said all that, I wouldn''t wait for a long time, as in 6 years. And I have a feeling that''s out of your comfort zone as well. You''ll have to do a little thinking and come up with a time frame that you''re comfortable with, because it''s not fair to you to put your life on hold when you are totally ready for the next step. What you want is important too. I truly hope things work out for you!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/16/2009 5:27:40 PM
Author: mochamamasita
Thanks for all of your comments. He said that he''s sure that he wants to marry me, and that he loves me very much, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but that marriage is a huge thing, and that he''s just not ready for it yet. He said that ''real men'' get married, and that he doesn''t feel like a ''real man'' yet. When I asked him to explain what a ''real man'' is, he couldn''t really explain it. All that he said is that he doesn''t feel stable in his job yet. But then I asked him if he felt stable in his job, whether he''d be ready to get married, and he said that he didn''t know. *sigh* I''m so confused. I think that for now I''ll see how I cope with the situation, but if I start to get too bitter, then I might have to consider setting an internal deadline.

I''m going to go with the minority here, and says that it seems to me like he''s just stalling; he doesn''t want to commit to you, but doesn''t want you to leave. If he really wanted to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you, he would. You''ve been very patient with him and 5 years is more than enough time to make up his mind and get his stuff together. So I ask you: Are you willing to wait another 6 years for something that may never come? Now that you''ve done all this waiting for him, what are you willing to do for yourself? Would you be ok with being with him and never getting married, or is marriage a deal-breaker for you?

As for your age question, DH and I were engaged at 21/24 and married at 23/27.

 

[mochamamasita]

It''s making me feel a lot better to know that for the most part, you guys'' boyfriends were a little older than my boyfriend when your boyfriends were ready to propose.

In response to the comments regarding building my life outside of the relationship, I''m still progressing in my life even though my relationship with him is somewhat stagnant right now. I''ve been focusing on my job and I recently bought a condo in between our two jobs

.

trillionaire: When you said, "The other thing to look at, is are his peers or family members married? Men tend to move that direction as a group. No one wants to be the first married guy. It''s weird and different, and probably scary." I think that you may have a very good point. He''s the youngest of 4 boys, and none of them are married. All of his brothers live with their girlfriends, but none of them are married. (We don''t live together). His oldest brother is almost 30 and he''s still not even CONSIDERING marriage. His second oldest brother is about 27 and he and his girlfriend have two kids and a house together and they don''t seem like they''re in any rush to get married either. Oh no... I hope that my boyfriend isn''t looking at his brothers as examples.

 

[luckynumber]

oh honey, you really are too young! to me anyway

of course, we europeans tend to get married later in life compared to americans, i wonder where you are from? we like to test ride a few guys before committing

but i would be surprised if your BF marries before his older brothers....

 

[Squirrly]

Date: 11/17/2009 2:58:01 PM
Author: mochamamasita

trillionaire: When you said, ''The other thing to look at, is are his peers or family members married? Men tend to move that direction as a group. No one wants to be the first married guy. It''s weird and different, and probably scary.'' I think that you may have a very good point. He''s the youngest of 4 boys, and none of them are married. All of his brothers live with their girlfriends, but none of them are married. (We don''t live together). His oldest brother is almost 30 and he''s still not even CONSIDERING marriage. His second oldest brother is about 27 and he and his girlfriend have two kids and a house together and they don''t seem like they''re in any rush to get married either. Oh no... I hope that my boyfriend isn''t looking at his brothers as examples.

it may not be so much as he sees them as examples but more as he could see it as if his older siblings are having trouble with commitment how can he stand a chance. my FI had a freak out moment (after his first set of plans for a proposal fell through) because of the amount of divorce/almost divorces in his family and circle of friends, so even though a lot of his friends were getting engaged and married (i still tease him about being almost the last one since we''d been talking about it for a long time). we had a long talk about how our relationship is ours, not anyone else''s and just because everyone else seemed to be having problems that didn''t mean that we had to jump on the bandwagon. in the end it was something i said that made him cry in a good way that made the difference.

good luck and lots of dust

 

[lulu]

When I first read this I thought you were both just too young, and you are. But that info about none of his older brothers being married gives me pause.

Are his folks married? Does he have examples of happily married people in his life? If marriage is very important to you I think you should lay it on the table that

you''re not going to accept living together indefinitely.

 

[katomm]

Wow, yeah 24 is way young. There''s still plenty of time and lots to do!!

My FI when he was ready to marry me. We''ve both been married before though. I was 23 and he was 35 when we married the first time. Obviously neither worked out. He was ready well before 35 (around 29 mark he said) but she wasn''t so he waited. In the end she married him even though she wasn''t ready, only because it''s what he wanted.

This time around it''s just different for both of us. We both want to do this and we''ve both learned a lot from our past relationships. We''re set in our careers and know who we are as individuals.

Sorry, went off on a tangent there for a sec.

 

[mochamamasita]

I feel so much better after reading all of your comments. I''m not even bursting into tears randomly anymore. hehe. Thanks guys .

Squirrly: Maybe I''ll have to try having that same talk with my boyfriend.

lulu: His parents stayed together until he graduated high school, and then they separated.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 11/17/2009 2:58:01 PM
Author: mochamamasita

...He''s the youngest of 4 boys, and none of them are married. All of his brothers live with their girlfriends, but none of them are married. (We don''t live together). His oldest brother is almost 30 and he''s still not even CONSIDERING marriage. His second oldest brother is about 27 and he and his girlfriend have two kids and a house together and they don''t seem like they''re in any rush to get married either. Oh no... I hope that my boyfriend isn''t looking at his brothers as examples.

Sister, the handwriting is on the wall and you just don''t want to read it. His lips are moving but he isn''t walking the talk. Eventually you''ll give in and you''ll be living with him unmarried...and waiting...along with all the other GF''s.

 

[Magpie09]

Date: 11/18/2009 1:47:04 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 11/17/2009 2:58:01 PM
Author: mochamamasita


...He''s the youngest of 4 boys, and none of them are married. All of his brothers live with their girlfriends, but none of them are married. (We don''t live together). His oldest brother is almost 30 and he''s still not even CONSIDERING marriage. His second oldest brother is about 27 and he and his girlfriend have two kids and a house together and they don''t seem like they''re in any rush to get married either. Oh no... I hope that my boyfriend isn''t looking at his brothers as examples.

Sister, the handwriting is on the wall and you just don''t want to read it. His lips are moving but he isn''t walking the talk. Eventually you''ll give in and you''ll be living with him unmarried...and waiting...along with all the other GF''s.

Hey Mochamamasita
I haven''t posted recently, however your post and situation is very similar to what i''m going through at the moment.

I have to agree with trillionaire and purrfectpear with regards to men looking at the relationships of those closet to them when thinking of the future. They don''t like being the first to walk down the isle in their group of friends. Maybe your bf is waiting until one of his brothers gets married so he has something to compare your relationship to i.e. if his brother is happily married then he can be too.

My bf and i recently had a conversation about our future and marriage. We are both in our early twenties and have been dating less than 2 years. My bf was on the fence before this conversation but i think what helped the most was me stating my fears about the relationship as well. Nothing is certain. I can''t guarentee that we''ll always be happy but i''ll try my hardest. In the end i think he felt relieved that he wasn''t the only one that was uncertain about some of the things regarding marriage at such a young age. After the conversation we had he is no longer on the fence and is excited about the future and what it entails. At the very least you deserve a guy who is excited about spending his life with you once he is ready to take that step, no matter his age.

Maybe you could just talk to him about the things you have written here, how you''re worried about him never being ready and that in order to make yourself happy you won''t be able to wait forever. Sometimes guys just need to know that they haven''t ''got'' you to realise what they want.

 

[exoticisabella]

Date: 11/17/2009 1:55:34 AM
Author: mochamamasita
Thanks for all of the advice guys. Man, you guys sure are giving me a lot to think about. I could just move on and find someone else, but at this point in our relationship, I really feel like he's the person who I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Since we're both still pretty young (24), I think I'll give him a little longer to 'be ready'. But if he takes too long, then I'm afraid that I'll have to move on. So... how old were you guys' boyfriends when they decided that they were ready to get married?

My husband and I were married at 19 ( I JUST turned 19) and 23. He thought he was ready to be married, I knew I was (I grew up way too fast - a whole different story). Reality check - he was no where near ready to be married. It wasn't until I was dead serious about divorcing him that he shaped up and made some major changes (this was about 6 months ago and after 4 years of marriage). I know that I haven't even hit the 24 year old mark yet, but 24 is still so young! I would give him until the March 2010 deadline. Explain to him that this next level of commitment is very important to you and (maybe) if it makes him feel better you can have a longer engagment. I've learned that if you are supportive, don't mention any faults, and help to boost their ego (you are a wonderful man and I want to be with you.....) that true feelings tend to leak out. Good luck!

 

[mochamamasita]

Well, I talked to my boyfriend about how none of his brothers are married and how instead, they just live with their girlfriends. I asked him if the reason why he doesn’t want to get married is because he doesn’t have any positive examples of marriage to look at. He said that he''s never noticed before that his brothers aren’t married, but that all of them are living with their girlfriends. He told me not to worry and that it wouldn’t happen to us, because he doesn''t believe in living together before marriage anyway. He also said that he doesn’t care what his brothers do, because he’s his own person, and he wants to marry me. I also told him that I''m not going to wait around forever for him to get ready. He said that he loves me very much, and that he wants to marry me once he is ready, but that he just isn''t ready yet. So anyways, for now I''ll give him a while to get ready, and then after that, I''m going to have to move on.

 

[Luckyeshe]

Date: 11/20/2009 11:55:51 AM
Author: mochamamasita
Well, I talked to my boyfriend about how none of his brothers are married and how instead, they just live with their girlfriends. I asked him if the reason why he doesn’t want to get married is because he doesn’t have any positive examples of marriage to look at. He said that he''s never noticed before that his brothers aren’t married, but that all of them are living with their girlfriends. He told me not to worry and that it wouldn’t happen to us, because he doesn''t believe in living together before marriage anyway. He also said that he doesn’t care what his brothers do, because he’s his own person, and he wants to marry me. I also told him that I''m not going to wait around forever for him to get ready. He said that he loves me very much, and that he wants to marry me once he is ready, but that he just isn''t ready yet. So anyways, for now I''ll give him a while to get ready, and then after that, I''m going to have to move on.

I''m glad that you clarified a few things with him and talked about both of your needs and expectations. Now all that is left is to enjoy your time together and wait and see where you are later on down the road. Good luck, sweetie. I know that this isn''t easy but as long as you''re doing what''s right for you, then you''re good. Keep us posted either way. I wish you two the best.

 

[anchor31]

I''m glad you''ve talked to him too. You say you will give him "a while"... Do you have an internal timeline for that?

 

[kama_s]

Date: 11/17/2009 1:55:34 AM
Author: mochamamasita
Thanks for all of the advice guys. Man, you guys sure are giving me a lot to think about. I could just move on and find someone else, but at this point in our relationship, I really feel like he''s the person who I''m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Since we''re both still pretty young (24), I think I''ll give him a little longer to ''be ready''. But if he takes too long, then I''m afraid that I''ll have to move on. So... how old were you guys'' boyfriends when they decided that they were ready to get married?

Would you rather move on right now, or move on 6 years later when he tells you that he''s still not ready?

If he loves you, was all set to propose, what caused this sudden change of heart? More importantly, can you live happily and without resentment for at the very minimum the next 6 years, and possibly the rest of your life without a ring on your finger?

 

[paixamour]

I think you have to keep in mind that 24 is not exactly old and guys mature at a different rate to women. I am the same age as you and your SO and my SO is 24 too. He is just not ready for marriage yet and I have accepted this as part of being with a man who is my age rather than older.

My concern with your SO is not so much that he says he is not ready now but that he can't talk about when he will be ready. I know that my SO has said that an engagement is not on the cards in the next 12 months but that it will definitely happen before May 2011. If it doesn't happen then, he knows it is over. I am quite inflexible on this as we will have lived together 12 months by then and have been together for 4.5 years. I wouldn't be leaving to play games, I would just be leaving because I don't plan on being strung along until I am 30.

Would I like to be engaged now? Sure. Would I be ready for marriage now? Hell no. At the rate we are going we will be engaged at 26 and married at 27/8. That is 110% fine with me as long as the engagement happens on or before the date we have agreed on as my 'dealbreaker point'. Even at that rate he is likely to be one of the first in his peer group to get engaged and that makes a significant difference too.

If my SO told me that it could be 2-6 years before a proposal let alone a marriage I would, personally, dump him on the spot. That is just me though.