well, then, what is "cheap?"

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 11/15/2006 11:44:32 AM
Author: KristyDarling
A man is being cheap when he has the means to pay for a quality item for his wife but insists on a lesser quality item, even though she has indicated how important the item is to her. He''s cheap because he *refuses to try* to understand how important the item is to his wife. It''s dismissive, inconsiderate, lazy, and selfish.

I vote this answer the winner!!!

 

[ladykemma]

in regards to engagement rings,i think a man is cheap if he isn''t doing his best or at least trying. I do not believe in the two months salary thing and every situation is different.

for the starving student or someone like us who were rebuilding our lives after a disaster, the best we could do at the time, was a tiny, good quality diamond. my hubby looks at my ring and smiles all the time.

there was a poster on here last year who earned a substantial salary who went out of his way to tell us he was cheap,, he used the word "cheap", and wouldn''t spend for more than 0.5 carat(?). now that was CHEAP! remember him?

winternight''s hubby, i think was simply uninformed and needed a scouting expedition to find out the reality of the situation. i feel confdent that a 1- 1.25 carat will be purchased, either from tiffany or elsewhere.

i have spent time on here trying to talk people out of debting themselves into a ring beyond thier means, and i have spent time on here trying to get people to increase their budget. it all depends.

in regards to life in general I am a frugal person. I drive cars until the wheels fall off, i buy expensive birkenstocks and have them resoled, i buy estate and used jewelry. i do not use credit cards to buy things on credit. i do give generous gifts. No debt.

my CHEAP brother used to recycle gifts. if you''re going to do that, then at least keep track of who gave it to you so you don''t give it back the next year! yes, that happened.

 

[phoenixgirl]

divergrrl . . . ew, ew, ew!!! That man is so horrible! AND he bought himself a one carat diamond but not his wife? WTF???

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/15/2006 9:30:38 AM
Author:ladykemma

well, then, what is ''cheap?'' when is a man being ''cheap''?

A few come to mind......a man is being cheap when:

*he has a "price is no object" mentality when purchasing things for himself.....but adopts a "price IS an object" mentality when purchasing for her.
*he deems it more important to be frugal for frugality''s sake only and prioritizes that over all else.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

cheap? my brother-in-law. He gave my sister a .75 ct. diamond that was his mother''s and has never given her a nice piece of jewelry. Yet he buys season football tickets, bought a some kind of RV to tailgate at the football games, and get this..bought a golf cart to drive around at the tailgating! The list could go on and on, but you get the idea. I recently sold my diamond studs to my mother with the condition that she leave them to that sister because she''ll never have any otherwise.

My husband is the opposite of cheap..he is generous. He never gives me a limit because he trusts me not to go into debt. I happen to be very conservative with money overall. He truly wants me to be happy and have what I want. Indeed, I did not spend two months salary on my new diamond. But it would have been okay with him if I had. I am really blessed!

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 11/15/2006 8:39:38 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
cheap? my brother-in-law. He gave my sister a .75 ct. diamond that was his mother''s and has never given her a nice piece of jewelry. Yet he buys season football tickets, bought a some kind of RV to tailgate at the football games, and get this..bought a golf cart to drive around at the tailgating! The list could go on and on, but you get the idea. I recently sold my diamond studs to my mother with the condition that she leave them to that sister because she''ll never have any otherwise.

My husband is the opposite of cheap..he is generous. He never gives me a limit because he trusts me not to go into debt. I happen to be very conservative with money overall. He truly wants me to be happy and have what I want. Indeed, I did not spend two months salary on my new diamond. But it would have been okay with him if I had. I am really blessed!

wow, time for her to start buying what she wants.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 11/15/2006 8:16:06 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 11/15/2006 9:30:38 AM
Author:ladykemma

well, then, what is ''cheap?'' when is a man being ''cheap''?

A few come to mind......a man is being cheap when:

*he has a ''price is no object'' mentality when purchasing things for himself.....but adopts a ''price IS an object'' mentality when purchasing for her.
*he deems it more important to be frugal for frugality''s sake only and prioritizes that over all else.

I really like how that is worded!!

My husband has this *really* annoying thing that he does - he''s constantly asking me if something is "worth" the cost. Yeah it''s practical I guess, but when I''m sick in bed with pluresy and pneumonia and he''s saying'' "is it worth $300 for me to stay home?" I just want to KICK him!!! Now, if I say yes he''ll do it no prob, but he makes me qualify everything (not *nearly* as much since the time he tried to bail out of a christmas party for the kids'' preschool because he was sick and I asked him if it was worth 300 for him not to go - he went and has been MUCH better since lol) So when he bought his convertable when we already had a decent car that was paid off he said "I always wanted this and it''s worth it to me" and I never questioned it... when I got this diamond and he said, "wow you really did take that two months salary thing to heart" I said, "actually I didn''t even think about the money, I just got what I wanted" ha! I have to give him kudos for not saying a WORD when I told him the cost LOL!!! So in conclusion, my dh can be a dork, but at least he''s a fair dork LOL

 

[Allisonfaye]

Ok. I have to disagree with many of you and say that I think there is a difference between cheap and selfish. I think many of the people that you are describing are selfish. I guess you are meaning cheap with regards to gift giving or ring buying. To me, I have a friend who has driven the same car since 1989. He doesn''t buy anything nice to decorate his house...only practical stuff. Spends all of his free time trying to figure out how to make some $$..either selling on Ebay, investing in real estate deals that never come to fruition or buying and selling stocks. He obsesses about $$. He won''t spend money on himself either. HE is cheap. He can afford some nice things but chooses not to.
But he is a nice, caring person and I wouldn''t have described him as selfish.

 

[Maria D]

I''ve never understood how people get upset when a guy buys himself an expensive car but doesn''t want to spend a ton of money on an engagement ring. He thinks cars are important and sparkly pieces of carbon are not; simple as that. You can go on and on about how the expensive ring is important to *her* but so what? Did he ask *her* to buy him the big bucks car? No, he bought it for himself; presumably with money he earned by himself and for himself.

Since engagement leads to marriage and marriage usually leads to sharing income, it shouldn''t matter who pays for the ring. To me, cheap is when THE COUPLE together can afford the ring the woman wants, but the man thinks it''s too much to spend on a ring -- yet won''t "let" the woman contribute the difference. She''s going to be wearing it everyday, so the woman should be able to look at her diamond and appreciate it every single day (not wish it were better). But since *she''s* going to wear it everyday, there''s no reason for her not to contribute to it financially.

Think of ring upgrades -- once you''re married, isn''t it a joint decision?

Just my opinion

 

[movie zombie]

agree with you, Maria D! i've been following this thread out of curiosity and admit to not reading all of it. but this makes sense to me.

if you want the bigger stone, help buy it. simple. its your $$.....and getting the stone now with your $$ included may mean 1-you won't be so anxious to upgrade anytime soon because you have the ring you want [at least for now] and 2-you'll appreciate the stone you have that much more because you also put $$ into it.

you'll be doing both of you a favor in the long run!

eta: cheap? not sure what it is but i know it when i see it!

movie zombie

 

[anacgarcia]

I completely disagree with Maria, I know my FI wouldn''t like it if I said I wanted to help him with $ for my ring. Maybe I''m too traditional but I think the guy should pay for the ring, and make a balance between what he can afford and what his girl wants.

I preffer to say my baby gave me my 1ct, than saying we bought a 1.5.. In terms of other things i''d agree, but not in an e-ring..

Also, Allisonfaye''s post is the perfect description for CHEAP.

 

[movie zombie]

i wouldn''t call her friend ''cheap''....i''d call him frugal. just because you can afford to buy ''better'' doesn''t mean you have to.....or want to.

i have a friend that fits much of that description. however, my friend has been out of work for about 7 years now and guess what?! it hasn''t dented his lifestyle! he had paid off his home way early [bay area], still drives a 1989, owns 1/2 a paid for home in the sierra nevadas, and skis every winter as often as he wants. yep, if anyone can make a dime work like a quarter, its my friend. so he doesn''t drive a new car or wear fancy clothes. he''s content.....and financially solvent. people who said he was ''cheap'' now are envious.

and while i enjoy tradition, we also live in the 21st century.........

movie zombie

 

[Maria D]

anacgarcia, I don't actually disagree with you. If a woman is "traditional" about who pays for the engagement ring AND she is happy to have a ring within his budget, great!

I'm just saying that people shouldn't complain if he buys himself a $60K car and spends $3K on a ring. It's his budget, his money! Some would call that cheap and selfish but don't care to tally up all the $$$$ some women spend in dribs and drabs on shoes, bags, clothing, highlights & haircuts...the list goes on and on. Just because a man works hard and saves money to have nice things for himself shouldn't mean, imo, that he's expected to spend a ton of money on a ring, lest he be considered cheap. Some women need to learn to a) choose high-paying careers and b) save money -- instead of latching themselves on to guys with money.

Obviously I'm not talking about our DC lawyer here!

She clearly knows how to do a) and b) and all the power to her for it.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Two more examples of cheap that I thought of:

Had a friend who was making over 6 figures at her job. No debt, living below her means, good savings. We went Christmas shopping one day and she took me to Pic and Save. For those of you who aren''t familiar, it is like Big Lots, Odd Lots, Family Dollar. I thought she was kidding at first.

How about a group of people going out to lunch. We have all been there. And the bill ALWAYS comes up short. You have people buying a $6 lunch and for tax and tip, they toss in $6.50 and expect someone else to cover the rest. This happened over and over at an old job I had.

 

[hlmr]

I think being cheap is more about the thought process behind the act, instead of the act itself.

 

[divergrrl]

Maria: If you knew the couple I was talking about, you''d feel he was unkind to her & cheap with her too. Its not that he spent 60k on himself, and then 1k on her.... Its that he only buys things for himself, and only does things that are emotionally satisfying for himself, with little to no regard for her feelings. She supported him for years when he was a poor student and didn''t even have so much as a car. (her job paid for their first apartment). She''s devoted her life to him (stupidly IMO) and he''s also devoted his life to himself. He grew up poor, so once he got his mitts on some money he spent every cent of it, and then mortgaged "their" house to the hilt and they had to move into small house in a bad part of town. He hasn''t been able to keep a job since the fall of Enron and is continually unemployed. Its not like she didn''t pay her dues.

After all they accomplished, together, by the time he proposed (7 or 8 years into the relationship), with his expensive tastes, back when he was solvent....and spending tens of thousands of dollars on himself left and right...it would have been a nice for him to honor their relationship and how special she is to him with the engagement ring he knew she''d like. (and she wasn''t unreasonable, she just always dreamt of a pretty 1 carat..and at the time, he could afford a lot more).

Oh well, she made her bed, I guess she has to sleep in it. But I still maintain that he was cheap with her e-ring purchase, based on his personality. My DH agrees with me on this one too....

DG

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 11/16/2006 8:59:21 AM
Author: Maria D
anacgarcia, I don''t actually disagree with you. If a woman is ''traditional'' about who pays for the engagement ring AND she is happy to have a ring within his budget, great!

I''m just saying that people shouldn''t complain if he buys himself a $60K car and spends $3K on a ring. It''s his budget, his money! Some would call that cheap and selfish but don''t care to tally up all the $$$$ some women spend in dribs and drabs on shoes, bags, clothing, highlights & haircuts...the list goes on and on. Just because a man works hard and saves money to have nice things for himself shouldn''t mean, imo, that he''s expected to spend a ton of money on a ring, lest he be considered cheap. Some women need to learn to a) choose high-paying careers and b) save money -- instead of latching themselves on to guys with money.

Obviously I''m not talking about our DC lawyer here!

She clearly knows how to do a) and b) and all the power to her for it.

I wouldn''t blink twice at a single guy who spends money like this on himself - yes it''s his budget, his money.

BUT

When a man wants to ask a woman to spend her life with him, it may still be *his* money until they''re married, but how he acts about it, how posessive he is about it etc can be quite telling as to what issues ill come up later when it is *their* money.

so if you want to claim that it is his last hurrah to budget what he wants to budget, by all means you would be technically correct.... but at that point, if he loves that woman and they marry, it''s just a matter of time before all of that money HE earned becomes THEIRS.... sounds to me like the perfect opportunity to work on how two people are going to work together and compromise on these issues.

While I don''t have love for greedy women who care more aout the diamond than the guy, I also have no love for men who cannot enter marriage as a fair partnership.

 

[TCBug]

I think either partner in a relationship is "cheap" if s/he won''t splurge for something that the other one really wants simply because the "gifting" partner does not place the same value (emotional, sentimental, enjoyment, or otherwise) on the item as the "receiving" partner. Giving your honey something s/he really wants -- even though you don''t understand or agree with the need for the item -- shows respect for the relationship and love for the partner.

To clarify before I get hung out to dry: I''m talking about a RARE occurrence here: an engagement ring; 40th BD present; 20th anniversary present -- not a new wardrobe every season. Also, this goes BOTH ways. I LOVE the stories from those of you who say: he bought me a __ carat rock for our __ anniversary; AND I bought him a car, or xbox, or motorcycle, etc.

 

[codex57]

Date: 11/15/2006 9:37:39 AM
Author: perry
Hmmm....


Some people are frugal: They buy high quality stuff - but only when necessary - and only in the size or quantity needed (even for themselves). This person may not see the need for a large or expensive e-ring; and that there are better uses for the money (but they will buy a quality smaller ring and stone). Some people view that as being cheap. I would disagree. Frugal is not cheap (most frugal people tend to buy things like Allen Edmunds shoes, etc, due to the long term value).


Other people are not willing to spend any but minimal money on others - but spends grandly on themselves. I veiw that as being cheap (insensitive and self centered too).


Some people buy junk quality all the time - I veiw that as being cheap. They spend more money in the long run than if they purchased a quality item up front.


Perry

That''s exactly how I feel. In that first example, if the girl wanted something bigger, you have to consider the girl. Some girls are spoiled and they want the best of everything. Some girls understand sacrificing one thing to get something else that they want more. Can''t judge solely on the guy alone in the first example.