We''re moving to Shanghai and I am not looking forward to it!

[sba771]

And before I scratched it all up

 

[sba771]

Hope it works now

 

[sba771]

OMG that is HUGE- no idea why that happened! I am so sorry!!

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Phoenix, I haven''t read all the responses but I wanted to say I really sympathize and lots of hugs!

I lived in a foreign country this summer where I don''t speak the language. The people I interacted with were the attorneys at the firm I worked out (thank goodness many spoke English) and my fellow summer associates from the US. I felt really isolated despite how amazingly supportive my firm was (they took us out to events all the time, to restaurants we normally wouldn''t have been able to go to because we couldn''t read the menus, etc.). It''s just tough because I''m a very social person and not being able to communicate in an average situation was really difficult.

That said, there were many foreign attorneys at my firm, many of whom did not speak the local language. Some had been there for only a few months, others for a decade. I think it helped them a lot to form connections outside of work (joining expat groups, for example, as someone also suggested) as well as forming connections at work. And I think you should make clear to your husband that this will be a more difficult process for you than it is for him, so he should be sympathetic and supportive. My BF was in the US this past summer, along with my family, and they didn''t really get how I was feeling - and that was hard. But I hadn''t expected it to be like that so hadn''t talked to them beforehand either.

I think with living in any foreign country, you''re going to have ups and downs. Usually it starts with loving everything because it''s so new and different, then hating everything when you start getting homesick, and then evening out. So remember that it will get better! And if you ever need to vent about anything - the country, the people, just adjusting to a new place, whatever - we''re here to listen.

 

[Deia]

Hi Phoenix,

I can totally understand your situation!

My parents moved to Singapore when I was 16 and I saw my mother quitting her job and following my dad because of his. She couldn't get a job there (and after a few months she didn't even want to anymore haha - I'm sure you know what life as an expat is in SG!!). She befriended all the other exec wives, because they were all in the same situation. It was a bit lonely at first for her, I could tell, but with time it all got better and she absolutely loved it there. Now they live in Paris and always talk about going back to live in Singapore.

I understand what you mean about SH. Even though you live in SG now and the majority of the population is Chinese, it is just really not the same as any other asian country, nor is it similar to China. I always thought Singapore was like an asian Disney World lol, so clean and happy!

I, like you have moved around alot, and my last move was from Paris to London a year and 3 months ago. It took me three months to get a job when I got here because I didn't have "london experience" (whatever that is to be honest...lol) and eventually got hired by an Australian company.
Although I have always felt like I could adapt easily to anywhere I moved to, I just haven't adapted to here. I don't really have any friends, and mostly spend all my time with my boyfriend (whom I moved over to be with) and ever since I found PS I seem to be a little happier about it all It lets me be girly about stuff without ending up boring my BF lol.

I'm not trying to threadjack so enough about me, I guess I am just trying to say that I know exactly what you are about to go through both personally and from seeing my mother go through it so many times.

Thankfully with email/skype and cheap flights it's easy to stay connected nowadays and I doubt you will feel lonely

Anyway, I do not know you, and in no way am I trying to be "creepy" but I know what you are going through and I am more than willing to listen if need be

edit: probably a good idea to get a subscription to an expat magazine as it usually has a bunch of ads for get togethers and suff... which can be helpful... you can also get connected with other expats through your embassy and things like that... don't despair!

 

[Phoenix]

Thank you very much, everyone, for replying and for your kind suggestions. I *really* appreciate your sharing and caring. I'll try and respond to each post individually and apologize that I've not been able to do so promptly.

I had a bit of a revelation this week. With all the economic doom and gloom around us, and another friend just getting laid off, I was thinking: "Actually, we should thank our lucky star that DH has a job, a good job at that. I should be thankful for that and not concentrate so much on how I am going to be lonely etc. Sure, life is not rosy all the time, and definitely there're going to be some bumps along the road, but things could be a lot worse".

I am going to go forward with this new attitude. I will definitely take all of your advice and try to turn this into a positive experience, instead of sitting around and moan.

Thank you so much, again, to all those who have posted and for your kind advice. I *know* PS is going to be a place that I will come and visit often (even more so than I already do, LOL), to share my experiences and to *be* with in the months and years ahead.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 1/19/2009 12:34:35 AM
Author: Rebot
Phoenix - I casually lurk here, but had to log in to reply to you. I went through the exact same ordeal that you are going through. We were in Shanghai for a year and now live in a small town of six million in the northeastern part of China.

I will try to answer any questions you have and I can recommend some groups that I have found helpful. Just let me know.

If it makes you feel better, I have been here almost five years and can speak just enough of the language to get around, order at restaurants, etc... In Shanghai, it is reasonably easy to go about day to day activities without knowing the language.

Thank you, Rebot, for coming out of lurkdom to post. I see that you don't post that often and really appreciate your taking the time to post yr reply here.

Wow, you now live in a small town in the northeastern part of China. Now, that's a challenge! I have a ton of questions! For a start, the language: did you go to an intensive course? How did you find one? What do you do to make friends? Did you join the SH expat group and did you find it very helpful? Which are these groups that you've found helpful? I'd really appreciate it if you could let me know.

Also, do you have any advice on what to do and what not to do? Any pitfalls that I should avoid, straight of the bat?

It's funny that you said that's reasonably ok to go about day to day activities without knowing the language. I've been to visit DH a few times and found it almost impossible to get around without being able to speak the language. It could be because I am Asian that they immediately assume that I am Chinese and will proceed to speak to me in Chinese, regardless of what! For example, if I take a taxi from the airport and try to tell them the address in my best Chinese (which hubby taught me and which I am sure I mispronouce horribly), they'll look at me like I am from Mars and refuse to understand until I pull out a piece of paper with the address written in Chinese. It's rather frustrating! Same when I am in a coffee shop, I'd order for example a hot chocolate and I ask for it extra hot and they said yes,yes and yes; and yet when it comes out, it's just lukewarm.

I have some silly fears, including ending up in a taxi somewhere I've no idea where it is and ordering some food and end up with some dog meat or cat meat (God forbid!) or worms etc. I always make sure I have my HP with me just in case and I do rely on it to call DH to translate for me, though I try not to over rely on him.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 1/19/2009 5:17:30 AM
Author: D2B
I can totally understand your concerns. we have also moved countries a few times for DH work. We lived for a while in a non-english speaking country as well.

For me what worked was research, preperation and getting out there and networking my butt off. For me it helped me feel in control of a situation where I had no control.

I would recommend reading all you can about the culture, buisness environment
joining expat web forums
definately learning the langauge
joining the local expat network
what help will your DH''s work be in helping you find suitable work? My husbands previous organisation, provided job help, contacts and in fact I was hired in the same company, different division.
any business womens networks you could join (which also speak english?)
do the meet and greet with other wives to get local contacts / networks. (It is the simple things like finding xy shop, how to send letters, etc that can be so daunting, unless you have other expat wives to talk to and ask.

My advice is get out and mingle, mingle, mingle - and from what I have read from your posts, you will have no problem with the networking side

good luck, it is daunting, but exciting and will open up a whole new world of opportunities and experiences.

d2b

Thank you for your post and great advice.

I am definitely going to some research and try and find out as much as possible before the move about the culture, biz environment etc.

Unfortunately, I don''t think hubby''s company would be much help in finding me a job. We asked the recruitment company that headhunted my DH to look for a job for me and I think they''ve tried but so far nothing. Also, I don''t think I could work in same organisation as DH because I am in Internal Audit and I think that''d be a conflict of interest. Thank you for your kind words about my networking ability

. Actually, it doesn''t come that natural to me, I have to work at it, just like I have to work at maintaining friendships. Some people just seem to have the knack and everything seems to come so easy for them (like my best friend and her husband). But it''s ok, I am looking forward to the challenges, or at least I am now.

 

[miraclesrule]

I haven''t read the whole thread, it''s Friday and I''m lazy, but I know what I would do if I had to go to a foreign land. I would sell whatever I had to sell, or save, or splurge, in order to purchase the most advanced but affordable audible language interpreter like the ones you see in SkyMall magazine. Seriously. My biggest fear about traveling alone in foreign countries, not to mention living there, is that I would find myself stuck in a situation where I really needed to be able to communicate, but couldn''t. It''s like a bad dream where I try to scream for help but the sound won''t come out.

My co-worker just moved to Italy because her husband was recently stationed there and we all chipped in in order to purchase her a language assistance program so that she could communicate.

I wish you well, and if you can, buy one that you can type an entire sentence into and the machine translates it and says it in the language you need. The more remote the language, the more expensive the device. But well worth the investment.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 1/20/2009 9:47:15 AM
Author: dixie94
Hi Phoenix,
I can relate to many of your feelings. Over the summer, I moved to another country (was in the US). They speak another language, which I am learning, but nowhere near bilingual. I moved b/c my husband was transferred here. I also have a son who had to transfer schools and learn the language. He goes to an English speaking school and is picking up the language faster but still, it's a challenge.

While in the US, I practiced law, always worked, had friends and family, knew the area, spoke the language, etc... I came here and everything is different. No job, inability to communicate effectively, no friends, no family (other than the immediate). It's not easy, I won't lie to you. But it's getting better. I have to actively make a decision to put myself out there as I'm not very outgoing and social. We live in a great area where there are other Americans and English speakers so that helps. But even with them, I have to push myself to go and talk to the other moms and be friendly. Especially when I am down, I feel it's even harder to be social but I make myself. I've also become actively involved in my son's school. That helps to keep me busy and make other friends. I've become friends with wives of my husband's co-workers. That helps a lot b/c many are in a similar position.

I also Substitute Teach at the English speaking private schools here. It keeps me busy, gives me a little income and also broadens my network. I have such a need to keep busy that I started my own business, a cupcake business. Nothing I would've thought to do before but having the free time has opened my options a bit. Like you, I can't continue with my career b/c of language. I would have to take the bar here, classes aren't in English nor is the local bar. Even if I could manage that somehow, I wouldn't be able to practice due to the language. In some ways, I'm lucky b/c I decided that I don't want to take the bar and continue to practice anyway, so it's not such a huge issue that I can't practice. But not being able to work is a huge issue for me. It's also not just not working but not having a career, not doing something that fulfills me and satisfies me, that is hard. That's why I really try to fill up my time and pursue other interests and see where this opportunity will take me.

I make an effort to go workout, get together with others, Substitute teach, go to the school, whatever I can to pass the time and make me feel better. Finding others around you that are experiencing a similar situation helps b/c it reminds you that what you are feeling is normal.

I have good days and bad days. I try to stay positive, but I also realized lately that it's ok to admit that this is hard. It's ok to admit you aren't happy but then try to find out what you can do to change that. Rather than wallow in it for too long, try to find your own path to happiness. It's out there! I am finding mine but it takes time and a lot of personal effort. My inclination is still to stay inside, but I keep pushing myself and it gets better and easier. Although my friends are not the same, I am making friends. Although it's a new language, I am learning it and will be better off to know it. Although I'm not working, new opportunities are opening up for me and that's exciting. One path I'm pursuing is teaching. I thought about this a lot while in the States but could never find a way to leave the law. Now, I have a way and have the chance to try something new. Yes, my options are limited to English speaking schools but there are some here. I just have to make the effort to stay in touch with them and make something happen.

I find that I really am in charge of my own happiness here. I made a commitment to this new life, and I owe it to myself and my family to give it everything that I have. Please don't think that it means I am happy every day and don't complain about this or that, but I am trying my hardest to make it work.

I know what you mean about saying there's nothing your husband can really do about how you feel. I understand that but what he can do is listen. He may not be able to solve your problems but being able to talk to someone about them does help, at least it does for me. I need to be able to talk about it. I don't always share my thoughts day to day b/c a lot of it is my own mental struggle but when I do, I know he's there for me. He's willing to listen and tries his best to offer up ideas and thoughts to make things easier for me. Knowing that someone is there, in my corner, when I am feeling very lonely is important to me. After all, he's the reason that I moved so I have to keep communicating with him and not let this move put distance between us.

I know that was very long, sorry, but I hope it was helpful in some way (I guess I needed to hear it too, even from myself).

Write anytime!!

Thank you so much for your detailed reply. I appreciate your taking the time to post.

First of all, well done. I know it must be very hard for you, after having been a career woman and having everything there (friends, family etc), and now moving to an entirely different country where you're not able to work as a lawyer any more. It sounds exactly like what I am going to go through. Well done though for the teaching job and the cupcake businesss. You know, it's funny. I swear to God, this is true. I was just thinking the other day that I may do something like that myself. I've been trying to order some cupcakes from this one local place and they're always always busy and will not deliver for several weeks. Then, I was looking at Mara's cupcake thread and thought to myself:" Hmmm, I think I can do that, I am going to give them a bit of competion!". The teaching thing, again, well done. I've also been in fact thinking for a long time now, but I think I'd need a PhD to go into teaching what I'd like to teach. I wouldn't mind, actually, substitute teach English, but did you find that you had to have some educational background, or some existing teaching experience?

Definitely talking to the hubby would help. After all, it is us who is making the sacrifice for their career.

Thanks again, and good luck to you too.

(P.S. I'd love to know how your cupcake business is going. Pls keep us posted, if you don't mind).

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 1/31/2009 12:42:13 AM
Author: Phoenix

Date: 1/20/2009 9:47:15 AM
Author: dixie94
Hi Phoenix,
I can relate to many of your feelings. Over the summer, I moved to another country (was in the US). They speak another language, which I am learning, but nowhere near bilingual. I moved b/c my husband was transferred here. I also have a son who had to transfer schools and learn the language. He goes to an English speaking school and is picking up the language faster but still, it''s a challenge.

While in the US, I practiced law, always worked, had friends and family, knew the area, spoke the language, etc... I came here and everything is different. No job, inability to communicate effectively, no friends, no family (other than the immediate). It''s not easy, I won''t lie to you. But it''s getting better. I have to actively make a decision to put myself out there as I''m not very outgoing and social. We live in a great area where there are other Americans and English speakers so that helps. But even with them, I have to push myself to go and talk to the other moms and be friendly. Especially when I am down, I feel it''s even harder to be social but I make myself. I''ve also become actively involved in my son''s school. That helps to keep me busy and make other friends. I''ve become friends with wives of my husband''s co-workers. That helps a lot b/c many are in a similar position.

I also Substitute Teach at the English speaking private schools here. It keeps me busy, gives me a little income and also broadens my network. I have such a need to keep busy that I started my own business, a cupcake business. Nothing I would''ve thought to do before but having the free time has opened my options a bit. Like you, I can''t continue with my career b/c of language. I would have to take the bar here, classes aren''t in English nor is the local bar. Even if I could manage that somehow, I wouldn''t be able to practice due to the language. In some ways, I''m lucky b/c I decided that I don''t want to take the bar and continue to practice anyway, so it''s not such a huge issue that I can''t practice. But not being able to work is a huge issue for me. It''s also not just not working but not having a career, not doing something that fulfills me and satisfies me, that is hard. That''s why I really try to fill up my time and pursue other interests and see where this opportunity will take me.

I make an effort to go workout, get together with others, Substitute teach, go to the school, whatever I can to pass the time and make me feel better. Finding others around you that are experiencing a similar situation helps b/c it reminds you that what you are feeling is normal.

I have good days and bad days. I try to stay positive, but I also realized lately that it''s ok to admit that this is hard. It''s ok to admit you aren''t happy but then try to find out what you can do to change that. Rather than wallow in it for too long, try to find your own path to happiness. It''s out there! I am finding mine but it takes time and a lot of personal effort. My inclination is still to stay inside, but I keep pushing myself and it gets better and easier. Although my friends are not the same, I am making friends. Although it''s a new language, I am learning it and will be better off to know it. Although I''m not working, new opportunities are opening up for me and that''s exciting. One path I''m pursuing is teaching. I thought about this a lot while in the States but could never find a way to leave the law. Now, I have a way and have the chance to try something new. Yes, my options are limited to English speaking schools but there are some here. I just have to make the effort to stay in touch with them and make something happen.

I find that I really am in charge of my own happiness here. I made a commitment to this new life, and I owe it to myself and my family to give it everything that I have. Please don''t think that it means I am happy every day and don''t complain about this or that, but I am trying my hardest to make it work.

I know what you mean about saying there''s nothing your husband can really do about how you feel. I understand that but what he can do is listen. He may not be able to solve your problems but being able to talk to someone about them does help, at least it does for me. I need to be able to talk about it. I don''t always share my thoughts day to day b/c a lot of it is my own mental struggle but when I do, I know he''s there for me. He''s willing to listen and tries his best to offer up ideas and thoughts to make things easier for me. Knowing that someone is there, in my corner, when I am feeling very lonely is important to me. After all, he''s the reason that I moved so I have to keep communicating with him and not let this move put distance between us.

I know that was very long, sorry, but I hope it was helpful in some way (I guess I needed to hear it too, even from myself).

Write anytime!!

Thank you so much for your detailed reply. I appreciate your taking the time to post.

First of all, well done. I know it must be very hard for you, after having been a career woman and having everything there (friends, family etc), and now moving to an entirely different country where you''re not able to work as a lawyer any more. It sounds exactly like what I am going to go through. Well done though for the teaching job and the cupcake businesss. You know, it''s funny. I swear to God, this is true. I was just thinking the other day that I may do something like that myself. I''ve been trying to order some cupcakes from this one local place and they''re always always busy and will not deliver for several weeks. Then, I was looking at Mara''s cupcake thread and thought to myself:'' Hmmm, I think I can do that, I am going to give them a bit of competion!''. The teaching thing, again, well done. I''ve also been in fact thinking for a long time now, but I think I''d need a PhD to go into teaching what I''d like to teach. I wouldn''t mind, actually, substitute teach English, but did you find that you had to have some educational background, or some existing teaching experience?

Definitely talking to the hubby would help. After all, it is us who is making the sacrifice for their career.

Thanks again, and good luck to you too.

(P.S. I''d love to know how your cupcake business is going. Pls keep us posted, if you don''t mind).

ETA, I just looked up the cupcake thread and saw yr cupcakes. They look absolutely divine!!

 

[sparkles]

Lien is sounds like a wonderful opportunity...its great to travel and live in other countries. Is hubby Singaporean Chinese. What are you going to do with your new house in Singapore?

 

[sba771]

Oh, I wanted to ask you if you are considering Rosetta Stone? I am doing it for German and I think it is pretty positive so far and you can move at your own pace.

 

[Phoenix]

Thank you so much for posting, everyone, Ladyluvsluxury, Wishful (thanks again, sweetie), Beacon, swimmer, sba (thanks for posting the pics, yr Love bracelet is absolutely divine

), BEG, Deia, Miraclesrule and Sparkles.

Your words of comfort and support mean a lot to me.

We've just put our house on the market for rental for about two weeks and already we've received three verbal offers, one with a "Letter of Intent" meaning that they're really serious and want to take it further. I am kind of dragging my feet and taking my time to accept any of these offers, though of course I know that we'll have to sooner or later.

The thought of leaving our beloved home makes me want to cry and I am sure I *will* cry when we do finally move

.