What about the friends?

[Mashira]

So... I'm going a bit post crazy today eh? Well... here is something that has been on my mind lately and it's bugging the bageezus out of me. I have a very tight knit circle of friends, although I am an outgoing person. I have three girls that I love and hang out with (who I will call 1, 2, and 3) and treat like sisters. One of my friends (friend 3, the one who's SO I'm not fond of) is going to get engaged next month. 3 and I are the only two girls in serious relationships. The other two girls are not in relationships, and haven't been for the past 2-3 years. Friend 2 has expressed to me a bit of depression because it seems like everyone we know these days is getting married or engaged and she doesn't have anyone right now. Friend 1, my closest friend, is also not in a relationship, and because of prior relationships is not too keen on them. I feel strange because friend 3 is not very close to me, but I'm finding myself talking to her a lot more because she is in the same position that I am in. Friends 1 and 2 are my whole life. I love them and care about them dearly, but it feels so awkward now that I'm in a frenzy of excitement, and don't really feel like I can share that with them (because one just isn't too interested, even though she is happy for me, and two is liable to get even more depressed now that two people that are so close to her are getting engaged.) I want to be sensitive to their feelings, but I'm also full of joy and excitement and resent (just a little) that I feel as though I have to hide it. Am I doing this to myself, should I say to hell with it and just be excited around them? Is anyone else in the same boat?

 

[4ever]

I think you can be excited around them, but do it with moderation.

If you're spending all the time you have with your friends talking about your relationship and the exciting events coming up for you, they are going to feel left out and it's not because they are not in a relationship. Be happy and be excited, but spend the same amount of time listening and talking to your friends about what's going on with them.

 

[Mashira]

I very much agree. I'm not the sort to run at the mouth (except for here, because it's safe ) about our relationship. It seems that anytime I mention anything at all though, there is an awkwardness that just puts a weight on any conversation we are having. Even if it's just a, "Want to hang out next Friday?", "Actually we're going to look at a reception hall what about Saturday?" ---- awkward silence ----

 

[4ever]

Oh.

Well that sucks. Have you asked them if talking about your relationship progressing makes them feel uncomfortable?

Maybe they just need an opening for a good vent to get their feelings and frustrations out about their own situations. That might clear the air enough that they can be a bit mor happy for you.



My best friend in the world is very excited and happy for BF and I and VERY enthusiastic about a potential wedding (she randomly tells me about cool things we could do at my hens night for example ) but it wasn't too long ago she had a nasty break up with a BF she thought she was going to marry so I understand somtimes she just wants to vent about being single because while she is happy for me, I know a little part of her wishes our places were reversed.

 

[Mashira]

Yeah, it does suck. I've had a talk with friend 2 (the one that expressed a bit of depression about everyone being engaged/married) and she had a good long vent about it. I completely understand because when my first engagement broke off the sight of anyone happy just made my heart sink, even if I was happy for them.

She told me that it does make her feel a bit odd but she's not uncomfortable with it. She also said that she wants me to talk about it and be happy, and if it gets to be too much she will let me know (which I am very happy about). I guess it bothers me that I know she's just putting on a happy face, even though she's hurting, which makes me not want to talk about it. It's very sweet of her though, and I suppose I can't ask for much more than that.

Friend one isn't uncomfortable, just cynical lol! She's perfectly fine with it and happy for me, but not very 'girly' so I don't get the type of response I would (under other circumstances) get from friend two or you lovely girls here on PS

 

[peach_tea_for_me]

Awww, it's too bad you can't let your unabashed glee run wild! I'm sure your friends will be really happy for you, at least for a few days/weeks. They may go back to the sulk a little after. This is one of the most exciting times in your life, let the happiness shine baby! Maybe you'll find a new way to relate to your girlfriends where they can be happy for you and you can filter around them where everyone wins. I wouldn't sweat it. You'll probably bond with friend 3 through this since you're experiencing similar timelines. So maybe let it out a little more to her.
I have a similar situation with having a big group of friends, but the closest are only a few and one of them doesn't even support marriage and she's the one who I'm closest too. I know it's down the road a bit, but that's who I would probably want as my maid of honor, but that's hard when she thinks the whole thing is a sham of sorts! Either she does a good job faking, or she really is happy for me, but she seems to enjoy my little "updates" and puts a big smile on her face. I tend to filter a little around her because I don't want to hear something that bursts my happy bubble. Too bad our friends can put the light out so quickly for us. While friends 1 and 2 don't want to hear every little detail, we do! So spill it here.

 

[4ever]

I'm glad you've had a chance to talk to them about it.

I wouldn't really want to talk that much to friend 2 about it either knowing she isn't really into it. It's hard when you can't share your excitment about it with the people you are closest too and also hard to carry on a conversation when the interest/excitment is one sided.

I guess I'm kind of like friend one, I'm feminine but not a really excited girly person like my best friend is. Actually all my close friends seem very "into" the possibility of attending and helping with our future wedding where as I want it to be nice and classy and fun for everyone attending but I'm not really interested in a fluffy dress and every little perfect detail. I am excited, just not giggly girly excited if you get what I mean.


Anyway, I KNOW my sister is going to be VERY bitter when we get engaged. She's very cinical about marrige and relationships in general and as recently as last week had a rant at me about how stupid it is to get married young. I hope she can find it in herself to see that I am happy and just be supportive. I don't need her to approve or be excited I just don't want her usual flood of negitivity to bring me down.

 

[Mashira]

The way you describe yourself is EXACTLY friend 1! It is very hard to keep up the excitement/interest in a one sided conversation, which is why I've just dropped it and am spilling all of my frustrated excitement into these boards PTFM, thanks for that I'm definitely putting all the little details here!

I'm sorry to hear about your sister. I can't imagine what that must be like (only child) but I know it must be very bothersome. Hopefully she will not bring your excitement down, and maybe even learn to be supportive for your sake

 

[merbear1215]

I totally understand about the difficulty in discussing it with friends who aren't in relationships. My best friend happens to also be in a serious elationship so in the months prior to my getting engaged, we talked about it a lot. It was lucky for me that she is my best friend so naturally the person I would have talked to about it most, but also someone who was in the same boat.

We have another friend who tends to be rather judgemental about relationships. Will say thinks "I think we are too young to get married" (we are 25 almost 26) but is quick to forget that several years ago, when she was in a serious relationsip, she was planning to get married at 22.

My SO proposed in the morning and that evening, I had plans (planned for months) to go out with friends. Best friend was there and already knew SO had proposed (since I had thought perhaps that day would be the day) and when we got to dinner with the others and I told them, the other friend was like "whoa, I knew you were serious, I just didn't see this coming." We live together and have been together for 3.5 years but, it occurred to me that it probably was surprising to her because I really didn't talk about it much to her. If i were single, and she was in a serious relationship, I wouldn't really want to hear about the ring you picked, or the venues you are considering, etc, etc.

But, it does make for an interesting dynamic. I don't think she would have wanted to hear that stuff, but on the other hand, I think felt bothered that she was so surprised about the engagement when I has known it was coming for a while.

 

[Indylady]

Yup, been there!

I have a few single close friends, and one that got out of a relationship with a man that she thought she would marry (they might be getting back together soon, fingers crossed! he really is a great person), and its been somewhat weird for me to talk to them about engagement and marriage. They are all supportive, but from my larger circle of friends, I have gotten an odd reaction or two. I told one of my old roommates our approximate budget, and she told me she'd never liked a ring less than 10k! Our budget was way less; she wants to be married soon but has never had a boyfriend before, and I think that must have had something to do with her reaction. Bahh. I wish I had advice on how to deal with the situation, but all I can say is that I just leave out pre-engagement details when I talk to those friends now.

 

[Mashira]

Merbear, that is exactly how one of my friends is. She is happy for me, and wants to hear details, but not too many, but heaven forbid I don't tell her enough either. I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't!

IndyLady, ohhhh heavens... I actually happen to know that friend as well. As a matter of fact it's #3 from my 'vent' post. She 'decided' that she doesn't want anything less than a full carat. Period. Her bf is not willing to spend that amount of money on a ring, and she is in store to be sorely disappointed. She hasn't had many serious relationships, and she doesn't know a darn thing about diamonds (she's the sort that oooohs and aaaaahs at the diamonds at Zales, Gordons etc at the maul) so heaven help the lot of them

I'm just zipping my lip about all the pre-engagement things and talking exclusively to you ladies on here. Once the engagement rolls around I'll tell my friends and let it be. I'm giving up on getting the giddy/excitement that I would have hoped for. This is also going to be my second engagement, so I guess the enthusiasm has died a bit (from my friends, not me) so I can't really blame them for that, I suppose. I'm just going to enjoy it with FF and drive him up a wall

 

[Indylady]

They may be mad that you've gotten/will be proposed to twice and they haven't received a proposal at all. It probably stings more so if they've never had a serious relationship at all. Being on your second engagement shouldn't mean that their excitement dies down. Keep things down is probably your best bet to avoid snarky comments or jealousy from your friends.