What ADVICE Would You Give to Newlyweds?

[yssie]

My parents told me this before I got married in July of 2009, and I am still trying to master it...

Don't keep count.

ETA:
Together 4.5 years, Married 1.5

This is fantastic advice It is something I do struggle with, but I am working on it!

 

[zhuzhu]

I believe reading Dr. Laura's book "The proper care and feeding of husbands" should be mandatory for all newlyweds.

You MUST be joking!

I don't think he was joking.

 

[kenny]

A lot of what Dr. Laura says is pure garbage.
Some of what she says is pure gold.

I really like how she puts the needs of the kids over the wants of the parents.
Somehow these days now that the MeMeMe-Generation is having kids that's a subversive message.

 

[ForteKitty]

I believe reading Dr. Laura's book "The proper care and feeding of husbands" should be mandatory for all newlyweds.

You MUST be joking!

I don't think he was joking.

if i'm bringing home the bacon, he better be the one cooking it!

 

[Gypsy]

My husband's very intelligent rule: ALWAYS sleep in the same bed (when you aren't apart due to a trip or something, obviously), especially if you are angry or have a fight.

One time I tried to test this after a fight and went to sleep on the couch. He didn't say anything just grabbed a pillow and a blanket and lie down on the floor next to me in the living room. Needless to say I felt ridiculous and we went back to the bedroom.

The forced togetherness as you are trying to fall asleep forces you to review things and see past your seething anger and also forces you to work through your problems (usually so you can get to sleep).

Important rule.

 

[Jennifer W]

A lot of what Dr. Laura says is pure garbage.
Some of what she says is pure gold.

I really like how she puts the needs of the kids over the wants of the parents.
Somehow these days now that the MeMeMe-Generation is having kids that's a subversive message.

I've never heard of Dr Laura, but yes, kids come first. I'm one of the most purely selfish people I know and even I get that. It isn't about me any more.

Ok, so it might sound trite, but my best advice would be for before the wedding - marry the right person. If it isn't right then, you take the risk that it won't ever be. If you have significant doubts, listen to them and see if they can be resolved before the commitment is made. Yes, people can learn to get along and can change their expectations to fit a situation, but I didn't want to do that. I hear people saying that marriage is hard work, and that hasn't been my experience. We've had some tough times, but I don't think that's quite the same thing. The relationship is the easy bit, it's negotiating the trials that life throws at you that takes the work, in my experience.

Anyway, my best advice is that if s/he doesn't respect you as well as love you, don't do it!

Other than that, make sure you don't end up being a drudge.

 

[iLander]

I am loving everyone's advice, and even as an old* married lady, I've learned quite a bit from this thread.

*I may not have youth, but I have jewelry!

 

[violet3]

I believe reading Dr. Laura's book "The proper care and feeding of husbands" should be mandatory for all newlyweds.

You MUST be joking!

I don't think he was joking.

Neither do I. Although I sincerely hope that he was.

Not only do I loathe that woman (Dr. Laura) in general, but the idea that I (or any woman) should have read this book pior to getting married, or in my newlywed year makes me want to throw up.

 

[Jennifer W]

Ok, I googled Dr Laura and I'm pleased to note that she's an expert on a wide range of topics. That's always useful to know when trying to get a measure of the value of someone's advice...

What's this book about, exactly? I'm assuming the title is ironic, please tell me I got that right? (Or is this just going to annoy me? Will it be better if I never know?)

 

[soocool]

I believe reading Dr. Laura's book "The proper care and feeding of husbands" should be mandatory for all newlyweds.

Is there a section on potty training and teaching husbands about putting the seat down?

 

[iLander]

What's this book about, exactly? I'm assuming the title is ironic, please tell me I got that right? (Or is this just going to annoy me? Will it be better if I never know?)

oh, it's not ironic. This is from Amazon, and yes, it will irritate those of us that aren't sister-wives or doormats :

"In her newest book, Schlessinger (10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives) relies upon her experience in private practice, radio and letters she received from men and women in tackling the issue of women who mistreat their men and suffer the consequences of unhappiness. The women who criticize their husbands in the stories that Schlessinger relates are depressed in their marriages and feel little love from their husbands. Unabashedly asserting that man is a "very simple creature," who needs only "direct communication, respect, appreciation, food, and good loving'" to respond with devotion, compassion and love, this controversial marriage and family therapist claims that every woman can achieve a deeply satisfying marriage if she adheres to certain fundamentals men require. Preparing dinner, caring for the children without complaint, greeting her husband with a kiss and engaging in sexual intimacy instead of "tearing down a husband's necessary sense of strength and importance" can result in the harmonious marriage women crave. While many of her listeners and readers claim her unequivocal advice has salvaged teetering marriages and improved marital harmony, others perceive Schlessinger as a throwback to what many see as years of female oppression in the home.

WHAT A CROCK OF CR@P!

Any man that likes this book does not understand it basically paints them as simpletons and morons, with an IQ equivalent to that of a slobbering dog.

Any woman that likes this book deserves to live with her simpleton.

She DOES NOT have a book about the care and feeding of wives, BTW.

 

[Puppmom]

I wish I had advice. I'm married two years and with my husband for ten and we're still learning! Knowing what to do is one thing but actually doing it is MUCH harder!

 

[violet3]

Ok, I googled Dr Laura and I'm pleased to note that she's an expert on a wide range of topics. That's always useful to know when trying to get a measure of the value of someone's advice...

What's this book about, exactly? I'm assuming the title is ironic, please tell me I got that right? (Or is this just going to annoy me? Will it be better if I never know?)

No, I don't think she's being ironic....sadly. I've heard her radio show many times - Yes, she has a PHD and is a well educated woman - but i believe she is also extremely conservative and narrow minded. Here's an overview from her book ....http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/0060520612#reader_0060520612

 

[yennyfire]

This is a great thread. I love hearing everyone's advice. Especially those of you who have been married/in a relationship longer than I have. The seventh year was not so tough for us, but the fifth was...we had our second child and going from one to two was a rough adjustment for us...luckily, we pushed through it and are in a good place now.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

A lot of what Dr. Laura says is pure garbage.
Some of what she says is pure gold.

I really like how she puts the needs of the kids over the wants of the parents.
Somehow these days now that the MeMeMe-Generation is having kids that's a subversive message.

But absolutely not in this case...she's actually making a point to say HUSBAND FIRST...cook, clean, screw and nod your head (not always in that order). It's an absolutely throw back to when women wore pearls to scrub the sink and it makes me sad. Maybe some marriages can function like that for sure, but mine abso-freaking-loutely could not. I'm not cut from "Yes Honey" cloth.

 

[Jennifer W]

Oh. Oh dear. Well, I don't quite know what to say. It seems incredibly demeaning, to men and women. It also seems to perpetuate the insistence that men and women are fundamentally different. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus etc. Men are from earth, women are from earth, get over it.

The woman and her book are ridiculous, to the point that (to me) it's really funny. The sort of thing DH and I would buy each other for a joke present (we usually do a funny gift for birthdays). It's easy to laugh and dismiss the extreme end of that particular fundamentalism, but to a lesser degree, many people must live like this and hold these beliefs, even if it's to a lesser extent. Less hardline, but still in basic agreement. I see occasional posts here that make me think so anyway, and since they rarely elicit horrified gasps, I can only assume that people tacitly agree on some level.

Ah well. My advice to any newlywed just changed, after reading about Dr Laura. My advice shall now be to make sure your spouse reads a copy of this book. If s/he seems to agree with any aspect of the philosophy on any level, get out. Run. Run like the wind. Faster. Are you still here? Run!

 

[somethingshiny]

I have to say, I don't entirely disagree with Dr. Laura.

That's not to say that DH doesn't do housework and when he says Jump I say How High, but parts of it ring true for us. I chose to be a SAHM. Part of that choice for me is taking the brunt of responsibility for housework, meal, budget and child rearing. I take pride in my home and family. Sure, I get sick of it but I'm lucky and happy to fulfill those duties to show the love for my family.

My husband does require direct communication, respect, appreciation, good food and good lovin'. That's him to a tee! I don't always greet him with a kiss in a negligee, but do so on occasion. You have to know what makes your mate thrive and determine if you can fulfill those needs before you marry, btw.

My desires of my husband also are direct communication, respect, appreciation, earn a living for your family, and good lovin'. Fundamentally different yet much the same.

I also don't believe in turning down sex with your spouse. If he/she asks when you really don't feel good or are exhausted, that's a lack of respect and should be addressed. However, if you're both well and awake and one of you wants to, I think you should. This is a basic protection of marriage fidelity, IMO. I am very sexual, if DH turned me down too often, there'd be BIG problems.

When I was working and didn't have children, DH and I were basically equal with everything financially, housework, meals, etc. But, our marriage is working quite well with our current positions.

I don't expect anyone to agree with me. I also don't expect to get flamed for my post, but if you must, fire away.

 

[diamondringlover]

Married 27 years, always say thank you even for the little things, I know that seems silly but almost every day we thank each other for making dinner or for whatever it may be.....

 

[zhuzhu]

A

somethingshiny,

I don't think you have said anything that could be flamed for. It boils down to choice and respect, as you have clearly made in your post. I think your marriage will continue to be successful because both of you have the same value systems.

Marriage is a very personal thing. My advice to the newlyweds would be to make sure you have the same set of values BEFORE getting married! Regardless of how different the two people are in personality and social-economic status, as long as they share the same values, the marriage has a good chance to succeeding!

 

[Jennifer W]

I have to say, I don't entirely disagree with Dr. Laura.

That's not to say that DH doesn't do housework and when he says Jump I say How High, but parts of it ring true for us. I chose to be a SAHM. Part of that choice for me is taking the brunt of responsibility for housework, meal, budget and child rearing. I take pride in my home and family. Sure, I get sick of it but I'm lucky and happy to fulfill those duties to show the love for my family.

My husband does require direct communication, respect, appreciation, good food and good lovin'. That's him to a tee! I don't always greet him with a kiss in a negligee, but do so on occasion. You have to know what makes your mate thrive and determine if you can fulfill those needs before you marry, btw.

My desires of my husband also are direct communication, respect, appreciation, earn a living for your family, and good lovin'. Fundamentally different yet much the same.

I also don't believe in turning down sex with your spouse. If he/she asks when you really don't feel good or are exhausted, that's a lack of respect and should be addressed. However, if you're both well and awake and one of you wants to, I think you should. This is a basic protection of marriage fidelity, IMO. I am very sexual, if DH turned me down too often, there'd be BIG problems.

When I was working and didn't have children, DH and I were basically equal with everything financially, housework, meals, etc. But, our marriage is working quite well with our current positions.

I don't expect anyone to agree with me. I also don't expect to get flamed for my post, but if you must, fire away.

Hey, nobody should be flaming you for making your life choices. We don't have to agree, but we do have to respect your right to make any choices you want to.

I tried the 'greet your DH in a negligee' once, for fun. EPIC FAIL! We'd found a book from another era in the attic of our house, with lots of wifely and household advice, which included the negligee and "a lovely bright, fresh ribbon in your hair to cheer him after a long day at work." So, for a giggle, I thought I'd give it a go.

I went out and bought a negligee (which turns out to be a sort of short, see-through night dress with lace, in case I was the only one who'd never seen such an item...) and a bit of ribbon. Raced home from work early one evening, got into said itchy under-thing and tied the ribbon. We lived in a very old restoration-project farm house at the time, and I inadvertently picked the night of the worst storm in living memory.

After getting done up in the outfit, I remembered that I hadn't fed the chickens. Well, it was a fairly secluded spot and no-one would see me, so I put my rubber hunter boots on over the stockings and wandered out to the chicken shed, in the howling gale. Minutes later, the biggest truck you ever saw gets blown right off the road and ends up with the front of it's hood less than three inches from where I'm standing. Then some slates blow off the roof of one of the outbuildings, catching me on the side of my head.

So there I am, standing in a negligee, hair ribbon and rubber boots, holding a pail of chicken feed, dripping blood and contemplating my near death experience, when the driver crawls out of his truck cab, which is lying on its side in my vegetable patch (freshly dug over) looks at me and says "Um, is this a bad time?"

I took him into the house and put on the first thing I could find to cover up the negligee- an old duffel coat on a peg by the door that I think belonged to the house's previous owner (who died ten years before we moved in - nice)! There was no electricity because of the storm, and this poor man was obviously in shock. Not sure my appearance really helped that much, but maybe it wasn't too bad by paraffin lamp?

Anyway, I thought I probably needed to get him warm, so I tried to light the fire. The chimney wasn't drawing smoke, so I did the thing you never do (on a par with peering into a hosepipe to see if the water is on its way) I stuck my head up the chimney to take a look. Naturally, DH picked this moment to come home, giving the door a good slam that loosened enough soot from the chimney to cover me, my hair ribbon, duffel coat, rubber boots and of course, the negligee.

When the paramedics arrived to see to the truck driver (he was fine, minor cuts and bruises) they asked why he had tried to drive down that road (high up, very exposed to the elements) since the police were stopping high-sided vehicles due to the gale. He said that they had stopped and asked if his truck was fully loaded, and when he said yes, they told him it would be ok to drive on, assuming that the weight of his load would make the truck stable. They didn't ask what the load was which is how we ended up picking "super- lightweight polystyrene ceiling tiles" out of the vegetable patch for months afterwards.

I have not tried greeting DH in a negligee since that day.

 

[somethingshiny]

Jennifer~ I'm am literally lol. I would love to have seen the guy's face when he first saw you! The bad time comment is hilarious. For a minute I thought the chickens were going to be at the heart of the story, but yours was much better! We need a thread of "good ideas gone bad!" YOU START! lol

I'll share my sis's experience quickly. She was young and in love. They moved in together. She decided to greet him in her birthday suit after his night of carding at the bar. He flung open their door to see her in all her glory--with 3-4 friends in tow. Several feet from any article of clothing, she grabbed a throw pillow to cover a bit. The friends just stood there gawking! She had to ASK them to turn around and go outside so she could get dressed. Then she had to entertain these people til the wee hours of the morning.

 

[ksinger]

Ok, I googled Dr Laura and I'm pleased to note that she's an expert on a wide range of topics. That's always useful to know when trying to get a measure of the value of someone's advice...

What's this book about, exactly? I'm assuming the title is ironic, please tell me I got that right? (Or is this just going to annoy me? Will it be better if I never know?)

No, I don't think she's being ironic....sadly. I've heard her radio show many times - Yes, she has a PHD and is a well educated woman - but i believe she is also extremely conservative and narrow minded. Here's an overview from her book ....http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/0060520612#reader_0060520612

Yeah, well, given her age, I suspect she has a dog-earred copy of Marabel Morgan's "The Total Woman" somewhere. Morgan wrote the book on this first, back in 1973. A few years later, my then-boyfriend(now husband) and I read it, and absolutely howled with laughter at the part where instead of coming to the door in a negligee, she suggests saran wrap. And NO, I never came to the door in saran, although I've threatened more than once, usually while trying (and failing) to affect the sweet subservience that Morgan advocated. It's always good for a laugh and a good gag from my husband, who married this redhead precisely because I'm NOT sweet and subservient.

 

[Jennifer W]

Jennifer~ I'm am literally lol. I would love to have seen the guy's face when he first saw you! The bad time comment is hilarious. For a minute I thought the chickens were going to be at the heart of the story, but yours was much better! We need a thread of "good ideas gone bad!" YOU START! lol

I'll share my sis's experience quickly. She was young and in love. They moved in together. She decided to greet him in her birthday suit after his night of carding at the bar. He flung open their door to see her in all her glory--with 3-4 friends in tow. Several feet from any article of clothing, she grabbed a throw pillow to cover a bit. The friends just stood there gawking! She had to ASK them to turn around and go outside so she could get dressed. Then she had to entertain these people til the wee hours of the morning.

OMG! At least I had a mouldy duffel coat to hand. Your poor sister, it's probably still not her favourite story.

That was my ultimate good idea gone bad, but I expect there were more. DH probably has a few, too. I'm thinking of salmon frosted cupcakes here...

Ksinger, if I'd been wearing saran wrap, if that man had climbed back into the wreckage of his truck and stayed there until it rusted away from him, I could not have blamed him! Also, I just watched DH try to get the wrap off some leftovers in the fridge - after twenty minutes, he threw the whole thing, plate and all into the trash in disgust. He can't find the end of scotch tape, either. I would enjoy endless periods of celibacy if I wore saran wrap.

 

[ksinger]

Jennifer~ I'm am literally lol. I would love to have seen the guy's face when he first saw you! The bad time comment is hilarious. For a minute I thought the chickens were going to be at the heart of the story, but yours was much better! We need a thread of "good ideas gone bad!" YOU START! lol

I'll share my sis's experience quickly. She was young and in love. They moved in together. She decided to greet him in her birthday suit after his night of carding at the bar. He flung open their door to see her in all her glory--with 3-4 friends in tow. Several feet from any article of clothing, she grabbed a throw pillow to cover a bit. The friends just stood there gawking! She had to ASK them to turn around and go outside so she could get dressed. Then she had to entertain these people til the wee hours of the morning.

OMG! At least I had a mouldy duffel coat to hand. Your poor sister, it's probably still not her favourite story.

That was my ultimate good idea gone bad, but I expect there were more. DH probably has a few, too. I'm thinking of salmon frosted cupcakes here...

Ksinger, if I'd been wearing saran wrap, if that man had climbed back into the wreckage of his truck and stayed there until it rusted away from him, I could not have blamed him! Also, I just watched DH try to get the wrap off some leftovers in the fridge - after twenty minutes, he threw the whole thing, plate and all into the trash in disgust. He can't find the end of scotch tape, either. I would enjoy endless periods of celibacy if I wore saran wrap.

OMG. Seriously. I'm DYIN'!! Too funny! I'll tell a story here. I read an article a few years back, written by a guy. He was telling the tale of when he and his wife were trying to "branch out", as it were, into some of the more outre shores of intimacy, specifically, the Kama Sutra and all it's fun postions. Well, long story short, after one disastrous attempt in the kitchen, they came to the conclusion that (and I'm quoting as well as I can) there was a reason that the standard positions are standards, and that any position that "required a laser level and a plumb bob for proper execution" was just too much trouble.

Of course I read it to hubs, who laughed along with me, and then the following Christmas, what did the joker get me? A laser level and a plumb bob.

 

[charbie]

Don't sweat the small stuff, don't pet the sweaty stuff.

Sex is good, sex is great, but always remember why you went on a second date.

 

[artdecogirl]

These stories are awesome!!! We have been married 26 years and would echo just about everything said here and most of all to be kind / respectful to one another.

 

[Jennifer W]

Don't sweat the small stuff, don't pet the sweaty stuff.

Sex is good, sex is great, but always remember why you went on a second date.

So I could have a second night of sex?


Sorry, but it was just too tempting to leave that alone...

Ksinger, did you use them?! When I think of sex toys (not that I do think of them terribly often) I don't really consider stuff you'd find in a builder's yard. Maybe I'm not putting enough effort or thought into giving good lovin' and should write to Dr Laura?

And now I shall be quiet, because I just remembered that my boss reads stuff here.

 

[princesss]

Jennifer, I am laughing so hard I'm crying. What an image!

 

[charbie]

Don't sweat the small stuff, don't pet the sweaty stuff.

Sex is good, sex is great, but always remember why you went on a second date.

So I could have a second night of sex?


Sorry, but it was just too tempting to leave that alone...

Ksinger, did you use them?! When I think of sex toys (not that I do think of them terribly often) I don't really consider stuff you'd find in a builder's yard. Maybe I'm not putting enough effort or thought into giving good lovin' and should write to Dr Laura?

And now I shall be quiet, because I just remembered that my boss reads stuff here.

I was gonna go there after I posted it, but was waiting for someone else to do it.

 

[ksinger]

Don't sweat the small stuff, don't pet the sweaty stuff.

Sex is good, sex is great, but always remember why you went on a second date.

So I could have a second night of sex?


Sorry, but it was just too tempting to leave that alone...

Ksinger, did you use them?! When I think of sex toys (not that I do think of them terribly often) I don't really consider stuff you'd find in a builder's yard. Maybe I'm not putting enough effort or thought into giving good lovin' and should write to Dr Laura?

And now I shall be quiet, because I just remembered that my boss reads stuff here.

Yes, clearly you have been lacking in imagination. A letter to Dr. Laura would indeed be in order.

Um...no. We did not use them. Let's just say that we've been familiar with each other's ....ways...for 30 years now, and BOTH of us admit to a certain reduction in flexibility from when we first met. I'm not sure even a hardware store tools would be able to overcome that. It was good for a laugh though, and hey, what girl can't find multiple uses for a laser level??