What am I missing... (long)

[meresal]

I''m sitting at my desk with tears welling up in my eyes, and I just remembered I didn''t put waterproof mascara on this morning...

C, my SO, is a HUGE sports fan, as am I. He really wanted to take me to Yankee Stadium before it closes down this year, and we were looking at 4th of July weekend, bc it was easier for me to be away longer, and not have to use vacation from work. We''ll they just so happened to be playing the Red Sox that weekend, and guess what, $200 seats anywhere respectable (to him at least). His sister lives there, and we would stay with her, but the trip would still end up costing well over $1000 for 1 weekend, with flight and bball taking up the first $1000. We decided that this was way too much money to spend, since saving is key right now, and we got over it.
Fast forward to today at 11:30. C calls and says, "Hey, my brother is going to NY at the end of July to see L(sister)." He does this each summer so no big surpirse. C asked his mom if he and I could go as well. C just expected for her to pay for everything, which is absurd on his part. She offered to pay for the flight and game tickets, but since his bro would be staying at L''s place in Manhattan, we would have to get a hotel. I pointed out to him that even at $200/night we will be spending $800 just on somewhere to stay, and that it was still too much money for a weekend trip. He said, "Well, I get it, if you don''t want to go." I started breathing heavily bc I knew EXACTLY what this meant... He will be going without me. His mom is paying for his entire trip, and if I don''t go, then he doesn''t have to stay at a hotel, and he gets to go to the Yankee game during the last season. Win for C!!! I could absolutely curl up in a ball under my desk and cry. He doesn''t care that this is something I wanted us to do together.
The other thing that bothers me, stems from him being the older brother, and wanting to be the "provider". He will go up there and pay for EVERYTHING any of the 3 of them do. Dinner, drinks, cabs, you name it, he''ll buy it. This is where I get upset. "WE" are trying to save money, yet he''s the only one that gets to splurge and have fun... ohh wait, no, I''m wrong, his brother AND sister get to enjoy my hard earned money as well!!! This REALLY infuriates me.

I told him that I wasn''t mad, I''m just really upset. He says he didn''t mean to upset me, but he never means to... he just doesn''t think things out like a rational person. (ex. He sees a coupon and automatically thinks he has to buy somthing so that he can use it... "But there''s a coupon!!") He then wrote me another text saying how this trip is all about going to visit his sister and catch up with all of them while their all together. I''ve known this kid longer than he remembers, and I will buy that as soon as I see gas prices back at 99 cents/gallon. I''m not stupid. This trip is because he doesn''t have to pay a dime for anything, except all the "goodies" I mentioned earlier.

If this trip was about that, then why would he even ask me to go in the first place?!?

My problem... He had a break down on Sunday about how he isn''t saving enough money, so yesterday I transferred $1000 to his account to make him feel better. This is how he repays me?!?! By jetting off to NY for a 5 day weekend WITHOUT me. I''m making myself sick over this. Why would I be so stupid to think that he may have actually had a "turn-around" moment, and start being more money conscious.

I will take any beating/advice/criticism you girls have for me. I''m not trying to throw my own pity party, I promise. I''m just really hurt by this. He never thinks about the outcomes of situations before opening his mouth, and this one really upset me

.

 

[Lauren8211]

Wow. I don''t really even know what to say, other than it seems like a serious slap in the face. I''m so sorry sweetie.

Please, please don''t get involved with the funding him while he blows money elsewhere. I did that for 5 years with my ex, and ended up getting cheated on, dumped, and with a pile of credit card debt.

I''m surprised that he would even want to go on a trip like this without you. It just seems sort of selfish to me. Its as if he''s putting a mini-vacation ahead of your feelings. I would explain this to him, and do NOT give him money any more. Hell, take back the grand you already gave him. If he''s that concerned with saving money, he shouldnt be travelling. Regardless of who''s paying for the trip, you dont go to NY for 4 days and NOT spend money while you''re there.

Basically, what it boils down to is you have to explain your feelings. If he refuses to see your side, and goes anyway, you have to decide whether this is something you can put up with long term.

Good Luck girlie!

 

[KCCutie]

Oh honey! I''m sorry you''re having to go through this!

My SO is the same way with money. He tries, bless his heart he does try, but he''s just not good at budgeting. I felt the same way a few weeks ago when a friend of his was in town and they went on this big night out where they bought a VIP room for like $500 and that was just the beginning. You have every reason to be upset but let''s not focus on that maybe there''s a solution.....

If there were a way for you to go and not spend $200 a night on a hotel would you do it? My suggestion would be does little sis have a friend that could hook you guys up with a place to sleep? The one and only time I went to NYC I slept on a friend''s futon with my BFF just to save the money a hotel would have cost. And if she doesn''t...we need to track down a NYC PSer who does

 

[Bliss]

OMG, I feel for you. I would be so upset as well.

Maybe you two can get on the same page financially. It is really hard to be a saver when the other is a spender. That can lead to resentment and miscommunication. It's just natural you would feel this way & left out, to boot.

I think his generous personality is charming, and I can understand how he would want to take care of his siblings. But I think if you are trying to build a future together, this is something that needs to change.

I wish you the best! He seems like a good guy, just needs to prioritize with you.

 

[goodfun7580]

Ok, I have a couple different views on this, so this might be a little choppy.

Maybe he''s trying to convince you to go, with some weird, guy thought out reverse psychology. He asked you to go to begin with, so maybe he really wants you to be there and by saying that he''s going to go anyway hopes you break and end up splurging and going with him? Question, if you go, who pays for the hotel room, you?

Also, how old is he, and why is mommy paying his way? Can''t he put his big boy pants on and either go with you on the 4th, or both of you go when his brother goes and suck it up and pay.

Sorry to say this, but it sounds like you are replacing his mom. His mom offers to pay for a trip? You give him $1000 to make him feel better? Somethings not right there, and it certainly doesn''t sound like a man who is ready to be a husband, more like a man-child.

Hopefully you left some of his good points out, and there''s more to this than you intially posted because you are so upset.

 

[Circe]

Oy. From the looks of it, your BF is being selfish ... but he's doing it In the Name of a Good Cause, which is going to make it tough for you to argue without coming out of it looking like a bad guy. It is awesome for him to be close to his family and to want to visit them, but you had plans together which take precedence: you canceled those plans because of your *money situation.* For him to do something else during a span which you'd earmarked as Couple Time, and to spend *your* money (it sounds like you guys pool your finances - please disregard this bit if they're generally separate) is kinda a one-two punch.

I think you'd be well within your rights to calmly ask him for your $1000 bucks back, and to spend it doing something lovely for yourself over the 4th: visiting your family, maybe? Taking a trip with your best friend? Or maybe, given that you sound very financially sensible, putting it into savings and keeping your money separate from now on .... This suggestion is more than half tongue in cheek (it might be seen as petty, or not, depending on the details - was this a loan? a gift?), but it might at least be emotionally satisfying to consider (and reject, or not, as the case may be).

Also ... C. asked his mom? I'm not following this. He straight-up asked his mom to cover his tickets? That's a family matter between him and her, but ... if he's much out of his early 20s, this kinda ooks me out. If it's a general thing for him, I see why he had no qualms about blithely accepting your cash and then spending it on non-necessities: it sounds like he may have a tiny bit of an expectation of manna raining down on him from heaven. This is going to make it tougher for you to be The Mean Sensible One ... but it's still necessary. He needs to start thinking about his obligations - financial, emotional, and otherwise - ASAP. It's a pretty integral part of being a grown-up ....

 

[HeadOverHeels4James]

UGH This really grinds my gears!! HAHAH I would be pissed too!!! So my question is..does he get mad if you want to buy something for you; like a cute shirt, pair of shoes , or even to get your hair done? Does he ever ask immediately "how much does that cost?" My ex would do that but if he bought something he wanted "it was different." UGH Well maybe you should open up your own ''secret'' savings account and save for a trip for yourself with some of your gf''s! Hang in there sweetie!! Does he know how this is hurting you, and how childish he is being?

 

[Independent Gal]

1) I can understand why it's so important to HIM the huge ball fan, to go to that game, and so I understand his behaviour along those lines

BUT 2) He is a jerk for not asking you how you feel about it, talking it through, instead of being somewhat sneaky so he could just get what he wants, with your feelings apparently unimportant.

AND 3) GIRL, WHY DID YOU GIVE HIM $1000?!? You're being just like his mom: spoiling him. Then he doesn't learn responsibility

4) Why are you marrying someone who can't manage his money? Have you talked about how you're going to handle all of this in the future? Because this is the number 1 cause of divorce staring you right here in the face. Do NOT marry him, until you sort out how money will be managed fairly in your household.

And finally 5) What kind of a jerkstore LETS his girlfriend give him $1000 "to make him feel better"?!? Even my husband wouldn't let me do that. And we're married!

 

[meresal]

Y'all are so much help, Thank you.

Lauren: Slap in the face, yes. I'll be using that when we talk tonight. I've never funded him in that kind of way where he doesn't have his own money, and is living off of mine. He has put almost $12000 towards my ring, and he was getting a little down about his dwindling savings account. (FYI, we live together) I thought it would be nice of me to give him a present of $1000 towards my ring, whenever he makes the next payment. Him wanting to go without me, is upsetting to me as well. I wanted it to be "our" trip, but then he wouldn't be able to go to the game/stadium. Thank you for your response!!

KC: C thinks he tries, but he doesn't. I really thought this time he'd gotten the hint all on his own, without my "nagging". I LOVE your positive attitude. It would be great if we could find somewhere cheaper, but then there's the fact that I would have to take 3 days of vacation. When I'd be just fine only going for a 3 day weekend. Thanks for the help!!

Bliss: I read your first post, pre-edit, and I really appreciate you opening up to me. I now see how this could get extremely out of control and I thank you for opening my eyes to that. My ex was the KING of penny pinching, and really taught me how easy it is to save when you apply the tools. I wish C would come to the same realization that I did. I learned alot and I wish he would see past the next year or two, to the things that we will need a lot of more money to afford. Thank you!!

Goodfun: I agree he hopes that I will go, but he's more worried about going to that stadium than anything else. We would split the cost of the hotel room, but though we have separate bank accounts, I considered our funds "joint". I found out last week that this was not mutual. His family is quite wealthy, and C works for the family business. We live 10 minutes from his parents house, and if his grandparents give us their home (down the line), we will live... ready for this... on the NEXT STREET OVER!!! AHHH!!! Ohh, his mom... He knows I will not replace his mom. She is an enabler, as far as not growing up goes. Believe me when I say, he has come a LONG way from the way he was. I worry sometimes that he may not be ready as well. Thanks for your input!

Circe: You've nailed this on the head!! I look liek the bad guy, for coming imbetween their family time. I love how this all gets set up, and then to anyone that sees, this is the story... "M didn't want to spend the money to go, so C isn't going either." I sound like freaking GF of the year.

I've debated asking for it back, but then I feel bad becasue it was a gift to go towards our ring. I think instead, I'm going to make him put the next payment down before he leaves. That way there is no way he's spending ANY of my money while he is there. The paying thing from his mom, 1) see above and 2) She told him about hs brother going while they were on the phone, adn C said that he would like to go as well. Thank you for you help!!

HOH: He doesn't get mad when I buy anything, because I hardly ever do. I get my nails done every other week, and I get my hair done every other month. All my own money. He offers to buy me things, and I politely decline sometimes, and others I simply tell him... put what you were going to spend into savings. It benefits both of us there. He knows it's hurting me, but I can assure you, that he has no intention of ever admitting to being childish. Thanks for responding.


All of you girls have helped me so much. I've calmed down immensly since reading through your posts. You're wonderful people, and it's days like these that really remind me why this place is such a blessing in disguise!! A very beautiful disguise at that!!

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 6/20/2008 3:06:22 PM
Author: Independent Gal
1) I can understand why it''s so important to HIM the huge ball fan, to go to that game, and so I understand his behaviour along those lines

BUT 2) He is a jerk for not asking you how you feel about it, talking it through, instead of being somewhat sneaky so he could just get what he wants, with your feelings apparently unimportant.

AND 3) GIRL, WHY DID YOU GIVE HIM $1000?!? You''re being just like his mom: spoiling him. Then he doesn''t learn responsibility

4) Why are you marrying someone who can''t manage his money? Have you talked about how you''re going to handle all of this in the future? Because this is the number 1 cause of divorce staring you right here in the face. Do NOT marry him, until you sort out how money will be managed fairly in your household.

And finally 5) What kind of a jerkstore LETS his girlfriend give him $1000 ''to make him feel better''?!? Even my husband wouldn''t let me do that. And we''re married!

I agree with the above post 100%! That was the most disturbing part of the OP''s post...the $1k part...he told you he wasn''t good at saving money so you give him $1k?! That''s enabling him, how will he ever learn that way? I know you love him very much and just want to "help" him out but you''re not helping him as much as you are preparing yourself for a lifetime of him telling you something''s wrong (which is most likely 100% his fault) and expecting you to just "make him feel better". That''s not what you want! I can understand him wanting to go to NY, hang out with his sibs, etc. If his mom wants to pay for it, I don''t really have a problem with it because how many of us have parents that pay for stuff like that for us (including weddings!)? It might be a little weird if he asked her to pay, but that just may be their relationship. I do think he was being inconsiderate of your feelings about the matter but instead of dwelling on that I would just make sure he realizes what he did was wrong (and why) and then you two should promptly move on and try to find a compromise/solution. Maybe he goes but doesn''t spend over a particular amount of money and if you absolutely can''t/don''t want to go then you take the same amount and do something fun. Good luck!

 

[Bliss]

meresal, I am so glad you saw it! I would have left it but it had too many personal details and I wanted to keep some of them private in case of mutual friends on this board. (HUGS)

 

[meresal]

Date: 6/20/2008 3:06:22 PM
Author: Independent Gal
1) I can understand why it''s so important to HIM the huge ball fan, to go to that game, and so I understand his behaviour along those lines

BUT 2) He is a jerk for not asking you how you feel about it, talking it through, instead of being somewhat sneaky so he could just get what he wants, with your feelings apparently unimportant.

AND 3) GIRL, WHY DID YOU GIVE HIM $1000?!? You''re being just like his mom: spoiling him. Then he doesn''t learn responsibility

4) Why are you marrying someone who can''t manage his money? Have you talked about how you''re going to handle all of this in the future? Because this is the number 1 cause of divorce staring you right here in the face. Do NOT marry him, until you sort out how money will be managed fairly in your household.

And finally 5) What kind of a jerkstore LETS his girlfriend give him $1000 ''to make him feel better''?!? Even my husband wouldn''t let me do that. And we''re married!

IG: The $1000 was a gift from me to help him pay for my ring. He has already put alot towards it in only 9 months, and that is some of the reason that the account is lower. However, he could be saving alot more than he realizes, and by me giving him $1000, I did mess up. We have talked about it, and anytime we argue over finances, this is exactly what I tell him. "We have to figure this stuff out now, bc if we don''t this is exactly why people get divorced."
PS--- I love your vocabulary. "jerkstore"... that may jsut be a new nickname

Anna: The writing abover will answer most of your post. And the idea of using the same amount of money on myself would be nice, except for the fact, that I don''t want to spend the money. I want to save it and put it towards something that will gain value, not swallow it. C is fine with me spending whatever I want, it is myself that holds me back, and I can''t get onto him, if I''m practicing the same irresponsibility.

 

[Anna0499]

That''s good. I definitely can relate to the financial aspect of your situation because I am guilty of "making my ex-BF feel better" a few times myself!

Anyway, it''s great that he''s saved so much for your ring & I''m sure it''s beautiful! Even though you don''t want to spend the money, maybe he will agree to some sort of budget for the trip to keep costs low. I also think that it''s sweet that he wants to be the big brother and provider, but if his sister lives in Manhattan I doubt she needs him to pay for anything

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I am glad you are feeling better.

May I suggest one thing...

the next time you want to give him $$ towards the ring, don''t give the cash to him. Instead, ask where you can send the payment to or go to the store yourself and give them a payment. This way you can tell him "I made a $1K payment on our ring so that should help your budget out this month".

Please realize that while I do not condone his behavior my SO is guilty of past stumbles like this. You have to tell him you are bothered by it including the fact that you now feel you HAVE to let him go because otherwise his family my look upon you unfavorably. That is NOT fair to you. He could have easily said you had plans for that weekend and could not attend without making you look like the bad guy. I''ve learned that sometimes my SO just doesn''t think. I too am guilty of this. If you do not tell him how you feel you risk having it happen again.

 

[MoonWater]

At first I thought this story was screwed up but at the same time, typical of guys. But then I saw you gave him $1000 and I got angry. I would seriously tell him to cut me a check for my money. It simple is not fair that this is what he''s choosing to do after complaining about money issues.

 

[meresal]

Date: 6/20/2008 3:59:21 PM
Author: Anna0499
That's good. I definitely can relate to the financial aspect of your situation because I am guilty of 'making my ex-BF feel better' a few times myself!

Anyway, it's great that he's saved so much for your ring & I'm sure it's beautiful! Even though you don't want to spend the money, maybe he will agree to some sort of budget for the trip to keep costs low. I also think that it's sweet that he wants to be the big brother and provider, but if his sister lives in Manhattan I doubt she needs him to pay for anything

Ya, the provider thing is sweet, until it carries over to all of his fraternity brothers when he's back at our college for the weekend, etc. I also would have so much of a problem with it, except for the fact that his bro and sis are nice, but not very friendly. I've sent his sister 2 emails in the last 3 months with no response, and his brother and I are kind of hit and miss. He acts out when he thinks C is spending too much time with me. (Yes, he is 21 yrs old)
His sister is a dancer, and instead of college, she wanted to move to NY and try to make it big. (She was recently in the SATC movie and on Gossip Girls) Ohh the life!!

The Manhappenin apt is a VERY generous gift from mom and dad to ensure her safety. That Trump Tower apt comes with a lovely $3000/mo price tag!!!

 

[meresal]

Date: 6/20/2008 4:04:20 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21
I am glad you are feeling better.

May I suggest one thing...

the next time you want to give him $$ towards the ring, don''t give the cash to him. Instead, ask where you can send the payment to or go to the store yourself and give them a payment. This way you can tell him ''I made a $1K payment on our ring so that should help your budget out this month''.

Please realize that while I do not condone his behavior my SO is guilty of past stumbles like this. You have to tell him you are bothered by it including the fact that you now feel you HAVE to let him go because otherwise his family my look upon you unfavorably. That is NOT fair to you. He could have easily said you had plans for that weekend and could not attend without making you look like the bad guy. I''ve learned that sometimes my SO just doesn''t think. I too am guilty of this. If you do not tell him how you feel you risk having it happen again.

KTF: Funny thing is, I even thought about doing that yesterday. Taking the check directly to the jeweler. In the back of my mind I knew I would be frustrated if he didn''t make the payment immediately like he implied. I''m a huge proponent for communication and not letting things boil. We will talk it out later, bc earlier was just a huge ball of emotion. It was his stiff response that really upset me. He put on his "I''m not doing anything wrong" blinders, and never looked back. That''s when he played the, I just want to spend some time with my brother and sister, card

. Like I stated earlier, if he doesn''t go, then I look like the horrible girlfriend, and believe me when I say, you will regret the day you come anywhere imbetween this family.

 

[HollyS]

I''m sorry you are hurting because of your BF''s insensitive behavior. But I''m going to be honest and tell you what I think, because you did ask for opinions.


This is what I''ve read about you:


1) You''ve been waiting for a proposal since last September, when he bought a setting you loved.

2) You are living together, and resigned a 6 mo lease in May. Your parents don''t know that you are living with your BF.
And, for some reason, you think you are better off saying no to buying or even living in a house with your BF. Would it be too difficult to ''pretend'' if it were a house?

3) In a previous post, you said the two of you had "amazing" jobs. So why is it so hard to save for that diamond?
Why is it impossible to spend a little in NY together? But, most importantly, why did you give him $1000. to put in his account, especially when you said he has limited fiscal responsibility?


The above observations are taken directly from your posts. I''m not embellishing them. Do you see some red flags?



I see a daughter who is lying to her parents about her BF and her living arrangements. Your parents will find out and feel betrayed that you lied. Not that you lived together, but that you lied.

I see a BF who is irresponsible with money, who allows his mother to pay for things he wants to do, who allows his GF to bail him out when he''s short of cash or bill money. When does he plan on becoming responsible for his bills, his choices, his life?

I see a guy who isn''t ready for commitment and marriage, who isn''t saving for that diamond, and a gal who doesn''t really want to admit that this relationship isn''t all that she had hoped for.

 

[meresal]

Holly: Thank you for your feedback. I'm going to answer your questions in complete honesty.

He bought the setting last September bc they marked all setting and diamonds to 20% off. I mistakenly, under my own doing, was under the impression it would be a few months later. However, he picked out the diamond a month later, and he wants to pay the ring off before taking it, and I respect that... but the wait has been hard. We passed one deadline he gave me, and I did not ask him to set another. It will happen when it does.

He resigned a yr lease that was extremely hard for me to commit to. The way I finally accepted the fact, was that spending money on 2 separate rents would be even worse for both of our savings. I hate lying to my parents, and the minute we get engaged I will be telling them. My parents will not be happy. However, they will accept it, as opposed to buying a house with someone I have no formal committment to. They same went for my 38 yr old sister that didn't want to get married again, but bought a house with her boyfriend.
We have amazing jobs for our age, but still, saving for the diamond that he wanted is proving alot harder than saving for the diamond I wanted. He has the money, but he's like me, and has a hard time making really big payments all at once. I'd rather split it up as well. A weekend trip that isn't planned at all, does not constitute "little spending to me". We went on vacation in the spring and that was good for me. I have an issue with dropping over $1000, when we already spent almost $4000 on our DisneyWorld vacation in April. The money I gifted him, and the LAST payment will be out of his account by next week. He has already made an appointment with the jeweler.


He has never been short of cash or bill money. I'm sure everyone has had a time in their lives where they look at their account and say, "I just wish there was more."
I have admitted that sometimes I am not sure if he is ready for marriage, but I've probably done some things as well, that make him look at me and say, Why?
I don't complain about my relationship very often, but when I do, it's legitimate. We have already talked on the phone, and we will continue to talk this evening. I beleive that you can't learn how to deal with things the correct way unless you learn from doing it the wrong way. As a couple, we will grow from this. I don't expect him to be perfect, I just expect him to listen to my feelings when they have been hurt.

Thank you for your input Holly. I surely hope I haven't dissappointed you. I don't agree with some of the things that I am doing, but I have hope that it will all be over soon. We've been together almost 2 years, and around here I consider myself pretty luckly to be with a guy that is almsot done paying the ring off.

 

[Booper717]

I just wanted to pop in to say that I''m sorry you''re going threw this. Alot of times guys just don''t see the big picture. I understand how you would be very hurt by this. Have you thought about talking to him more about how you wanted the trip to be something for the both of you? I understand about wanting to save money and therefore forgoing the idea of a hotel room, but if he is going anyway do you think it might be worth the extra money for you to enjoy the trip with him? If not, heck with him! Have a girls weekend and do all sorts of fun stuff and then he''ll be the one missing out!!

Goodluck I really hope things work out for you

 

[ladypirate]

OK, I''m sorry, but that is an a**hole move. It''s too expensive for you guys to go so he gets to go and have fun and you don''t? BS. I think you need to sit him down and remind him that when you two get married, you are each other''s immediate family. That means the two of you are a unit--he doesn''t seem to realize that.

I would hope that he would go with you or not at all--it''s not right of him to pull this.

 

[Bliss]

Just popping in to say you sound very mature and thoughtful. It'll be OK. You two are pretty young and boys mature I think 10 years later than we do? So consider it a learning experience! Sometimes they can be poopheads. FI was a poophead once or twice in his youth. Now, he's awesome.

Most great men learned from amazing women. Sometimes it's their moms and sometimes WE'RE that woman! Now tell that awesomely nice SO of yours he's being a poophead! LOL.

 

[fieryred33143]

One thing at a time:

Date: 6/20/2008 2:16:06 PM
Author:meresal
The other thing that bothers me, stems from him being the older brother, and wanting to be the ''provider''. He will go up there and pay for EVERYTHING any of the 3 of them do. Dinner, drinks, cabs, you name it, he''ll buy it. This is where I get upset. ''WE'' are trying to save money, yet he''s the only one that gets to splurge and have fun... ohh wait, no, I''m wrong, his brother AND sister get to enjoy my hard earned money as well!!! This REALLY infuriates me.

This is something you have to take care of before marriage. My FF was the same way. He would give his parents money all the time to help them. I finally put it in perspective: combined they get about $2K a month and their mortgage is $500, total bills $800. They don''t need his $100 every week. That money we can put in our savings account for emergencies and if his family ever needs something that they can''t get themselves, then I''ll be the first to volunteer. But giving up money that we can save for our stuff when they don''t need it and when its not necessary is not going to fly in my home. It''s time to have that convo with your boyfriend too. It''s not a dealbreaker in the least bit but it is an attitude adjustment that he is going to have to make. And understand there will be some resentment on his part until he finally understands why this is so important to your household.

Date: 6/20/2008 2:16:06 PM
Author:meresal

I told him that I wasn''t mad, I''m just really upset. He says he didn''t mean to upset me, but he never means to... he just doesn''t think things out like a rational person. (ex. He sees a coupon and automatically thinks he has to buy somthing so that he can use it... ''But there''s a coupon!!'') He then wrote me another text saying how this trip is all about going to visit his sister and catch up with all of them while their all together. I''ve known this kid longer than he remembers, and I will buy that as soon as I see gas prices back at 99 cents/gallon. I''m not stupid. This trip is because he doesn''t have to pay a dime for anything, except all the ''goodies'' I mentioned earlier.

I bet his mother was the one that put it in his head that the whole immediate family will be together and now he is convinced that''s the purpose of the trip. There''s not much you can do about that. Do you guys have a joint account? If not then I would tell him that if he wants to go on this weekend and pay for a hotel then HE should pay for the hotel and YOU will take care of all the expenses there...that way you have direct control of food/entertainment/transportation costs.

I wish you the best. I would be upset too...not mad...but upset. It sounds like he''s just being a guy and needs to understand why it is bothering you.

 

[purrfectpear]

You know your tag line where you say "I''ve found the perfect man for me and he''s all mine"?

It sounds like you want this guy regardless. If that''s the case then prepare yourself for many years of venting on PS.

1. He''s not the perfect man for you. You are mature, he is not. You know how to save, he does not. You put his feelings first, he does not do the same for you. You think of the "team", he thinks of him. You wanted the engagement sooner, he spent and put it off longer.

Are you seeing a pattern here?

2. He''s all yours. Step back and examine where this statement comes from and what it means to you. Sometimes we want to win so bad that we lose sight of whether we should really have even entered the contest. Kind of like winning $30K of furniture only to find out that it isn''t really your style, and you have to pay another $8K in taxes on it

Unless couples counseling is in your future to iron out priorities, money issues, and selfishness tendencies, I see more of the same to come.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 6/20/2008 8:04:47 PM
Author: purrfectpear
You know your tag line where you say ''I''ve found the perfect man for me and he''s all mine''?

It sounds like you want this guy regardless. If that''s the case then prepare yourself for many years of venting on PS.

1. He''s not the perfect man for you. You are mature, he is not. You know how to save, he does not. You put his feelings first, he does not do the same for you. You think of the ''team'', he thinks of him. You wanted the engagement sooner, he spent and put it off longer.

Are you seeing a pattern here?

2. He''s all yours. Step back and examine where this statement comes from and what it means to you. Sometimes we want to win so bad that we lose sight of whether we should really have even entered the contest. Kind of like winning $30K of furniture only to find out that it isn''t really your style, and you have to pay another $8K in taxes on it

Unless couples counseling is in your future to iron out priorities, money issues, and selfishness tendencies, I see more of the same to come.

Gosh. And I thought I was blunt.

 

[luckystar112]

I don't post arguments I get into with FI anymore. Learned my lesson the first time!
Some people assume that one incident is representative of your whole relationship. In my opinion, the guy is doing what any other guy in America would do, though I wish he was there for the sox instead.

As for the $1000, only you know if it was a good idea or not.

 

[surfgirl]

merseal, I have to WORD! both TG and Holly's posts. All I can say is thank goodness you're NOT engaged to this schlub yet. He's a slacker. Period. You can make all the excuses you want to but you asked us for our opinions and here's mine: I think you're nuts to continue thinking a marriage with someone this financially and emotionally irresponsible is going to be anything other than what it is now. He sounds like a momma's boy and I know that type, I almost married one, thank god I got out when I did. He doesn't want you to come to NYC because as you said, if you go, you have to get a hotel room. But without you, he gets to bunk in with the family and spend "your" money? What about that sounds logical or sane to you? You told him you weren't mad? You ARE mad. So TELL him you're mad. Dont be a martyr or a pollyanna because he's going to use your own words that you "weren't mad" and throw them right back at you because you're not being honest to him or your relationship. Honey, this isn't going to go away. This is a guy - not a "man", a "guy", BIG difference! - who isn't responsible. And he's making excuses to you about not being engaged while at the same time, he's pissing away money he doesn't have to spend. Seriously, this combined with lying about your living situation doesn't say "mature enough for marriage" to me. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying it because it would be a pity for you to insist on going down this current path with blinders on, waiting for a ring from a guy that doesn't put you or your financial health first. Sorry but that's how I read your situation. If I were you, I'd take a break from this, let him prove he can change, but I'd get my own place and take care of myself for awhile.

ETA: In addition to WHY did you give him the $1000 in the first place, why are you giving him money for your ring??? I mean honestly, he cant save his own money for an ering for his lady? That's lame of him, if you ask me. And lazy.

 

[bobbin]

Ease up on her!

Sure there may be some financial issues there that need sorting, but can anyone on this board honestly say that they have never had an argument/don''t have any issues in their relationship? Every relationship has issues.

And honestly, trying to explain those issues to another person generally makes any relationship look bad. She needs some advice with how to deal with this, not people telling her that due to one of his habits/traits whatever she should run

My advice? Same as all the normal advice given on this forum... talk to him. Tell him exactly how you feel, exactly what you have put in this topic. Talk to him about the broader implications of his attitude towards finance on your relationship. If you feel that it is something that will cause issues down the road or you can''t come to a solution which you are both happy/comfortable with then it is time for the red flags and some of the advice above.

Also, with the lying to her parents thing, whilst that is not a good thing, it does not necessarily indicate a lack of maturity on her behalf. My sister came out when she was 18. She is now 25. Several members of my extended family have no idea that she is gay. We deliberately lie to them about it. Why? Because due to their religion they would have a very difficult time accepting it and it would cause rifts in my family. I think lying about living arrangements is very similar.

So to meresal.. hope you are feeling better now and I hope you can talk thinigs through with him.. Hugs to you.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/21/2008 6:21:35 AM
Author: bobbin
Ease up on her!

Sure there may be some financial issues there that need sorting, but can anyone on this board honestly say that they have never had an argument/don''t have any issues in their relationship? Every relationship has issues.

And honestly, trying to explain those issues to another person generally makes any relationship look bad. She needs some advice with how to deal with this, not people telling her that due to one of his habits/traits whatever she should run

My advice? Same as all the normal advice given on this forum... talk to him. Tell him exactly how you feel, exactly what you have put in this topic. Talk to him about the broader implications of his attitude towards finance on your relationship. If you feel that it is something that will cause issues down the road or you can''t come to a solution which you are both happy/comfortable with then it is time for the red flags and some of the advice above.

Also, with the lying to her parents thing, whilst that is not a good thing, it does not necessarily indicate a lack of maturity on her behalf. My sister came out when she was 18. She is now 25. Several members of my extended family have no idea that she is gay. We deliberately lie to them about it. Why? Because due to their religion they would have a very difficult time accepting it and it would cause rifts in my family. I think lying about living arrangements is very similar.

So to meresal.. hope you are feeling better now and I hope you can talk thinigs through with him.. Hugs to you.

Amen to that.

I''ve said before that it is very difficult to capture the history of your relationship, your personality, and the personality of your partner in the 1000 characters you use to post a question. When I read that, I didn''t see anything wrong about it at all. He wants to go to NY for free. Who else wouldn''t? If it bothers you that he would go do something that you wanted to do with him then communicate that to him. Don''t set him up for failure by only giving him pieces of how you feel and expecting him to put it all together. Men are not that intuitive. As far as the $1,000 thing goes, if you had the money to give to him and felt it necessary in your heart then good for you. We all need people that will come to our rescue when we are feeling down and your boyfriend is very lucky to have you in his life. I hope he would do the same for you.

As far as contributing to your ring, there''s nothing wrong with that. You know what you want. If that means contributing to get it then you go right ahead and do that. There are plenty of women on PS that did the same exact thing or are planning on doing the same thing. It doesn''t mean that "he can''t save for a ring for his lady" or that "he''s lazy." It was a mutual decision made by two intelligent people. I wanted to do the same, my boyfriend refused. That was his preference and I respected that. Had he agreed, I totally would have taken money out of my savings to contribute because I can. And if he needed money in his savings as a jump start for his goals, I would have contributed as well. No one can tell anyone how to spend their money.

Obviously you and your boyfriend have issues to work through. But guess what, my boyfriend and I have issues too. Anyone that claims their relationship is perfect with absolutely no bumps to work through is either lying or dillusional. That''s my two cents.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/20/2008 11:41:51 PM
Author: luckystar112
I don''t post arguments I get into with FI anymore. Learned my lesson the first time!
Some people assume that one incident is representative of your whole relationship.

Ditto to that. I could go on and on about how I think giving large sums of money to a BF is a bad idea, but that wouldn''t help you at all. You already know that you and your FI need to have a serious talk about money if you want to get engaged. Your BF is the one you should be talking to, meresal, you know that! I know that ranting here can feel good, but sometimes it can turn a little sour.