What do you think of Attachment Parenting?

[Skippy123]

But that is where it comes down to individual choice...

CIO at 8 months was fine for you, but for us when D was at the height of separation anxiety I would never have done CIO.

If we ever left Daisy with a baby-sitter she would often scream for 4 hours straight - my brother refused to baby sit again, my BIL who must be a saint did, paid baby-sitters never returned and the cleaning-lady said she was too frightened to. She only stopped screaming the entire time in the car at around 18 months, so I am very, very glad that I never decided to even try CIO at home.

Pandora, we did Not CIO. I just say I am fine with what people do. I guess I am saying babies are so little at 3 mos that it would be hard for them to cry it out at so little but I know some moms who do that. but in all honesty whatever works for each mom. My boys STTN at 9 months but I was getting to the point if they didn't sleep soon that I was going to maybe try CIO but it was almost like they knew their mommas thoughts and thought we better cut her a break! lol Then they STTN all on their own with no need to CIO.

I guess I should say, I don't see anything wrong w/CIO if the baby is around 8 mo but I agree that being 2 or 3 mo STTN might be tough to get them to do, even with CIO since they are so little. I don't know though; each baby is different so honestly I do hard and fast answer.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I do think older babies can be manipulative. Toddlers are master manipulators. Not sure when people outgrow the stage. Most probably never if we are honest. There are many forms of manipulation and I feel like it is developmentally appropriate (as is lying to avoid punishment) at my child's age. She is egocentric and is suppose to be so if COURSE she wants her way. I don't take it personally. I pick my battles. I let her get frustrated b/c she's gotta start figuring some stuff out for herself. I encourage independence. So many "skills" and "traits" are learned. I have never done any research on attachment parenting but it doesn't seem comfortable to me or seem to align with the way I view human development. Luckily we can all parent the way we feel is best for our families and our children.

 

[janinegirly]

Late to this thread, but I agree with the sentiment that each parent does what works for them! If you follow one "parenting" style by the book, that's more of an issue to me. It's not a text book skill..you have to adjust and do what works for your child as well as for you and your family. Half the things I did I didn't even know were technically AP, nor would I have ever predicted I would have utilized these methods. I rarely read baby books - I do alot by instinct and asking other mom's and research on an ad hoc basis. In my opinion, our society is too high strung -everyone is constantly obsessing on what is the "right" (or PERCEIVED to be right ) way and how to one up everyone else. Sometimes this can make a person lose sight. This seems particularly intense when it comes to our chldren: Mommy wars, keeping up with the Joneses, credit crises - it's time for people to try to just live an authentic life that feels right to them. I'm not talking about anyone in this thread btw - didn't read all the responses- but have been watching and reading all the fall out from the TIME cover which clearly was meant to generate sales (on Mother's Day no less). I have also watched some friends and family seriously lose themselves in trying to be the perfect mom at all times (all while the kid was on the sidelines being shuffled everywhere).

As for AP, I think there's different degrees, extreme and the less extreme. I'm not a fan of extreme parenting personally, but I'm not a fan of anything extreme.
In terms of what I do (in case anyone cares), I have co-slept to 6 months - it was just easier, breast fed as as I possibly could with my pathetic supply (but 1 year is the max and even over 6 mo's is tough with the teeth - thank goodness for the pump!). I do carry my baby contantly when I'm home - but I don't see her during the work days, so can't help it.
On the flip side, I also let my baby sleep on her belly after acquiring head control, used bumpers after 6 months (knowing my child is not the crib escaper type yet), and used formula to supplement. So all in all I think I've managed to offend every parenting style out there - but it works for me for practical reasons, and that's ultimately what it's all about. You as mommy of your child and no one else.

PS My toddler definitely manipulates..I guess you can analyze or parse the definition, but if we are talking about utilizing skills to get what one wants and going to the parent who will supply that, and being extra sweet, then that's what it is! I consider it normal behaviour!

 

[Laila619]

My DH and I do attachment parenting--we co-slept for the first 6 months after DS was born (no bed sharing, just co-sleeping), we hold him all the time whenever he wants, I baby wear, and at 18 months old, DS is still breastfeeding. No playpens and he's hardly ever in a stroller. He is held or worn almost everywhere we go. For us and for DS, it's the right choice. DS is very sensitive and he loves to be cuddled and held.

 

[makemepretty]

I didn't read the article or the book and I didn't know it had a name but it sounds very much like how I raised my kids. I wore them(I'm short so it was hard to do dishes with a baby strapped to my chest) but I did it. They were just happier being held, which made me happier. I never let them cry it out, I co slept. I did not breastfeed though, they had some milk allergies but mostly because I'm not that comfortable with my body.

I wouldn't do a single thing different. Not a single thing. I spent as much time with them as possible, no day care, no paid babysitters(occasionally...rarely a family member would watch them for a few hours on our anniversary when they were very little), no vacations without them. It was pretty much perfect. They are the sweetest kids, love their mom & dad, respectful, bright...

They will make awesome husbands because family is priority for them. Now, the early teen years were hard with the hormones raging but I think all the steps I took before helped us make it through those emotional years.

They'll be starting college soon but are welcome to live at home whenever they want. I never have to say "I wish I had spent more time with my kids when they were little" because I spent so much time with them.

I also think having a mom & dad that are truly in love helped them. Married 21 years this year, they get to see us holding hands all the time. For anyone that thinks that mom & dad need the bed for "special" time and if you co sleep that poses a problem, just know the bed isn't the only place to be intimate. My youngest wasn't conceived in a bed ;0)

 

[Mara]

Haha reading my post from when I was pregnant... now that it's 2+ years later, I pretty much feel the same way today about setting expectations for the kiddos. I don't think that young babies have the power to manipulate but if every want or whim is catered to for let's say the first two years, eventually when parents try to put the hammer down the kid is like what the heck and chaos ensues, understandable of course because they know nothing else. I felt like by 10mo or so I could see things clicking in his little brain, hehe.

We didn't use AP, but people do what works for them and that's great. I can't even sleep with the dog laying near me, no way would I have gotten any sleep with my kid sleeping next to me...we had him in the same room as us for the first 3 weeks and it was like torture, I just laid there listening! And babywearing, it was fine for when I had to use my arms to go out for something but he got too hot and sweaty and didn't seem to like it very much himself anyway. I'm a fan in general of BF'ing and baby wearing if it works for everyone.

 

[Bliss]

Hmmm, good question! Just for the record, within my first year of dating DH while we were discussing having a family, I told him that I wanted to have an elective c-section, an army of nannies, a housekeeper and wanted to continue my career full speed ahead. Oh, and I told him that I didn't cook. Miraculously, he didn't run!

Fast forward to our first bambino and I'm a freaking baby wearing, nursing at 16-months and counting, co-sleeping granola hippie. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself! Ha! And I love cooking!!! Crazy cray cray!!!! I don't know how it happened. Before I even knew what the term was, I always had a vague discomfort with the idea of breastfeeding past a certain age and self-sacrificing women who seemed to give their lives over to their kids with nothing left over for themselves. That was until I fell in love and had a baby with DH.

Funny how life works! I guess certain aspects of "attachment parenting" just resonated with me once we got pregnant. Once we fell in love with the bambino - we just did what felt right to us. Now looking ahead to #2 someday, I think we'll still nurse until the baby self weans. But I don't think we'll co-sleep again. It's been wonderful, but we want our bed back! Hopefully the tot will move to her own bed once #2 gets here. Is that wishful thinking? Ha! Oh well...Let me have my fantasy for now, mmmmkay???

To be honest, I think co-sleeping makes it harder to have "us" time and that's why we want to have our bed back. DH and I feel like the most important & healthy thing to do for M as parents is to have a strong and loving marriage. Yes, it's easy to BD elsewhere but with a toddler, it's hard enough to find alone time with DH. We're kind of ready to have that cuddle time / pillow talking / alone time again! But it has really been wonderful to have our sweet warm puppy nestled in with us and I'm so glad we had that time. But the next one is definitely going to be sleep trained in her crib come heck or high water. Then again, I said that with #1 so we'll see.

M is very bonded to us yet she is also very independent. She's very full of love so she is always giving things to other toddlers, sharing her toys and open to new experiences. She is such a pleasure and joy. However, as a baby, she was a NIGHTMARE! I couldn't even shower without her wailing for me -Daddy had to hold her in the bathroom so she could WATCH ME SHOWER! OMG! How I survived Stage 5 Clinger Baby is a miracle!!!! Now finally I can reap the rewards after all those sleepless nights. OMG, my next baby had better be SUPER EASY!!! Maybe I have a super sweet easy toddler to make up for those hellish first several months of colic. I might still have PTSD from it all. Most of the early photos show me wearing wrist braces on both arms from carrying her non-stop... Yeah, I'm so happy to be past the newborn phase!!!!!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Regarding the original question: I think it sounds like a lot of work We coslept a little out of necessity, but it sure is not my preference. And we CIO. And I like my stroller. But I did spend basically 24/7 with both my kids for 10 months and EBF for 6 mo and then BF for 12+ for both. So maybe I am not all bad.

I am not dogmatic in anything, and that includes parenting, so I don't think I ascribe to any particular belief set. My only rule is to be responsive to my child's needs. That doesn't mean doing everything they want, or always putting their needs ahead of my own. It means trying to understand what they need in a particular situation -- be it emotional, developmental, or physical needs -- and meeting that need in the best way I can; but not subsuming my needs for autonomy in the meantime. Sometimes it means cuddles, sometimes it means ignoring their bad behavior, sometimes it means playing, and sometimes it means letting them cry. My goal is to try and respond to what is best for them, as I see it I suppose, rather than responding to my own emotional needs or reactions or desires to be loved/needed/wanted/liked.

I don't always succeed. But I keep trying.

 

[Rosebloom]

We practice AP because it happens to work for us. I really believe there is no one right way and each parent and child have to find the style that works best for them. Being a happy mom is so important!  For me I love breastfeeding, love carrying my little ones, love cuddling with them when sleeping. My oldest is almost three. We breastfeeding until he was almost 2.5. For the last six months or so of that time, he probably only nursed about ten minutes a day but it was so helpful. Most of the time, if I saw a meltdown coming we could nurse for a minute or two and he'd calm down and be able to go back to his sweet gentle self. I never thought I would breastfeed so long but it really worked for us!  Our second was a preemie and I had to pump and bottle feed for several weeks - that was super rough!  Thank goodness he's now able to be at the breast. I just don't have the patience for feeding schedules, prepping bottles, counting ounces. Too much work for me I guess!  

We co-slept with my oldest from six months to two years. When we started he was having trouble sleeping through the night and I wasn't getting enough sleep. It worked great for us. We loved the cuddles and we all slept so well. But I totally understand that some parents and some kids don't sleep well with this arrangement. I never would have done it if we didn't all sleep great - I really love my sleep!  . I'm not sure what we'll do with baby 2 yet. He's currently in a cosleeper in our room but he's still very little bitty. We'll see. 

I loved baby wearing because again I loved the cuddles!  And it made/makes my kids so happy!  But if it hurt my back or didn't feel right for whatever reason I wouldn't do it. Again, I believe in a happy momma!

We also practice what I guess is called positive discipline. Basically we give them a lot of respect. We have very high expectations for behavior but are also willing to be flexible. We have our priorities - issues of safety obviously are nonnegotiable - and we have zero tolerance for any kind of aggressive behavior (hitting, kicking, being rude to others, etc).  But I'm pretty willing to hear them out on other things. If my son is adamant about not wanting to take a bath one night and he doesn't stink, then fine. And I (try to) always give him the reasoning behind our choices. That just feels right right to us and works for our family. 

I absolutely adore my kids and love being a mom. I never thought I'd be a sahm (and certainly not one who did extended breastfeeding and cosleeping!) but it has been such an incredible experience. And whenever I start feeling a little burned out or bored or overwhelmed I take that as a clue to make some adjustments to get back to the happy mommy place!

I have so much respect for parents - this is a seriously hard job! - and I think that the best parenting style is whatever works for your family. And only you know that!

I have however recently decided that I'd be a better mom if I had more sparkly things to wear. . Thus I've come out of lurking on this site for a very long time to actually posting. And soon I'll post some new pretties on SMTB!  Yay for sparkles!!!

 

[phoenixgirl]

It's funny to look back on this post and see a lot of my "mom friends" talking about it when we weren't "experienced" parents.

My general approach with my children is to do what I need to make them feel secure in a reactive, not a proactive, way. DD#2 is 3 months old tomorrow -- I wore her in a sling a lot two months ago because she went through a phase where she didn't want to be put down. Then she went through a phase where she was happier being put down and would stop crying as soon as you did (???). Now she likes being held more but isn't a super fan of the Ergo or the Moby.

I have the same approach for cosleeping. Our 2.5 year old is welcome in our bed any time she has a bad dream or needs extra snuggles. If she would sleep peacefully next to us, we would probably do it more often, but she giggles and jumps and no sleeping takes place. But we are a very cuddly family and any time she wants to "play baby" I hold her in my arms and rock her.

Somehow the universe knew that I am not made of tough stuff and gave me two easy (so far) babies. Thank goodness. Neither of them needed to be held all day, or couldn't sleep on her own. So I wasn't going to mess with that.

I have a friend who did AP with her son who is Claire's age. I do not have anything against AP and I follow a lot of its tenets, but I will share a conversation we had recently about our toddlers. Our children were at an indoor play place and her son was clinging to her leg pitifully, refusing to play if she didn't enter the play play area with him. My daughter was running around generally having a good time. She said, "I did AP with my son because it was supposed to make him MORE confident and secure, and yet he won't leave my side, and Claire is just playing happily." And I was like, "Yeah, but I remember when they were newborns together and Claire was just happy to be swaddled and sleep and your son cried and cried and cried and couldn't be put down. I think a lot of it's personality." And she said, "Yeah, when he was 6 months old I didn't mind holding him all day or cosleeping. But now he's 2.5 and I can't leave him with his own grandparents, let alone a sitter. I need a break!" Do I think she "messed up" her kid by doing AP? No. I think if my baby had cried like he had and refused to be put down, I would have worn him all day and coslept too. But I think as first time moms in general, we both tried to follow what the books said (we just chose different books) instead of following our instincts, or our mother's advice, which may have saved boht of us some headaches in the long run.

I remember also when they came to the beach with us when the kids were 11 months old. At that age Claire would cry for 10 minutes before falling asleep. She had a "tired/fussy/going to fall asleep any minute" cry. If it were a "Code Red Please Hold Me!" cry we would have gotten her. I remember that my AP friend looked horrified and said something like, "So, you're just going to let her cry?" In my mind I wasn't practicing "cry it out" because we never let her cry more than 10 or 15 minutes and we could tell which kind of cry it was. We never tried to sleep train her beyond seeing if we could soothe her back to sleep instead of nursing, and we didn't do that until 9 months. But my friend clearly felt I was ignoring my child's cries, which I found interesting. But my theory was, well, you can't ALWAYS hold your kid. Sometimes your other children need you. Sometimes you need to use the bathroom. A little crying without mom picking you up right that second is just part of life.

One thing I do regret with Claire is that I fed her on a schedule. My sister recommended Baby Wise to me and since she had three kids, I figured she knew what she was talking about. We spent a lot of time trying to soothe Claire when we couldn't figure out why she was crying. With Alice, I just feed her whenever she cries, whether it's been an hour or two or three. And this baby hardly ever cries! IMO if the books contradict your instincts then don't drive yourself nuts trying to get your kid to fit that mold.

My AP friend is a great parent, and I know absolutely that he was a fussier baby who would have had a hard time sleeping on his own and being left with other caretakers whenever they chose to do it. I think following AP probably helped reduce his anxiety as a baby but I'm not sure what they should do now. He's starting preschool in the fall so I hope that will be a smooth transition and he'll be OK without his mom there and give her a much needed break!

 

[MissStepcut]

Ladies, I just read this whole thread and it made me realize how much I love pricescope. I am 17 weeks pregnant with our first, and have been reading and posting on another board. I was getting so frustrated with those moms for not talking these things through in a polite, sensible, research-informed way. I am never going back there. For real.