What does she mean?? Advice needed from LIW

[sklingem]

OK - I have been dating my GF for 6 months and we just moved in together. She is not the girl to usually "rush" into these things (she had never lived with any previous BF before), but I guess I must have done something right

. You also have been making major purchases together (car, furniture, art etc.). We have not talked about marriage or engagement at all (we have made allusions to "future children" in a playful way), with the exception of commenting on others experiences/relationships. A lot of our friends just got engaged, married and/or are pregnant. Talking about THEIR wedding venues I found out that she sort of liked the idea of a beach wedding, but we never really talked about our potential wedding specifically. OK - cuttting to the chase. We recently had dinner with two couples who just got engaged and started comparing engagement rings at the table (ah, women), while guys knowingly nodded to each other. After this evening we sort of talked about it and my gf mentionned (in a very playful manner) that she did not have any ring for comparison. When she talked to her mom about that evening on the phone she mentioned it again (to her). But that was it.
So - I am a bit confused since she has never brought anything engagement-related up (ring, wanting to get engaged etc) ... I also tried to look at wedding dresses online with her (based again on her gfs upcoming marriages) but she was not up for it. Hm. What does it all mean? Is she trying to tell me that "she is ready"? BTW - for those of you who have followd my posts - I already HAVE a ring. I was just holding off because she always gave me the impression that she did not want to rush into anything (comment: "you need four seasons to get to really know someone - well, it has been six months and two seasons) and I do not want to jump the gun (especialy since we just moved in together).
Comments? Advice? Female psychology???
Thanks!
Rob

 

[gwendolyn]

I'm going to give the same advice I'd give a woman asking the same questions about a man. TALK TO HER. Don't psychoanalyze and don't read into every little thing because it'll drive you bonkers. Just talk to her. That's it.

 

[fieryred33143]

You have to prepare yourself, especially if the two of you are at the age where all of your friends are getting married. Deep down, she knows she’s not ready…but it is VERY hard to ignore the rings on your friends hands and wedding plans. You feel as though you are falling behind and you want to be part of that mix. It happens to ALL women at some point in their life.

I think that the two of you should have the marriage talk. Sit down and ask her what she is expecting out of the relationship, what she truly wants. Ask her what her timeline looks like and when she would like to seriously consider marriage. If you are living together, these are conversations you should be having.

 

[bensbride]

I agree with miss gwendolyn. Talk to her about it. I always thought that it was taboo to discuss it and it should be 100% unexpected, but I don''t think that''s realistic. You don''t have to tell her you have a ring already, just maybe ask what she sees for your future together. My FI did this in December and January and we didn''t get engaged until last week, so it was still a big surprise. He asked me what time of year I''d love to get married. He arranged for our families to meet for dinner. I think she''s given you cues that its acceptable to discuss it, at least. The wedding dress thing might just be that she doesn''t want you to know what kind of dress she has envisioned so that you''d be surprised one day. Maybe just causally feel her out and then if she seems like she''s ready to talk about it, do just that!

 

[Independent Gal]

Definitely. Definitely talk to her. Make dinner, say: "Honey I love you, and I''d love to talk with you about how each of us sees our life going in the future, what we want, how we want to live, where we want to live, our goals, etc."

You should NEVER get engaged without making sure you have the same or compatible goals re kids, living conditions, future goals, finances, etc. On other words, you shouldn''t get married if there''s already a reason you''d end up divorced.

So, start having those conversations and you''ll quickly learn where her head is at because she''ll tell you.

Never, never try to ''guess'' what your partner is thinking. Just ask.

Communication is key is the world''s best, wisest cliche.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Yeah, I would definitely talk with her about it. Then she will let you know exactly how she feels.

 

[sklingem]

Hm ... yeah, communication. I actually pride myself on being a good communicator, but in this case ... seriously, would you invest in all these "long-term" goods if you were NOT serious about the relationship and seeing a future together?? And joke about future kids??
And talk about things we should do next year? And if they talk ends up confirming that "she sees a future together", does that automatically solve the engagement timing/question? I guess if she says that she wants to see whether things are working out I should probably hold off. Argh! I guess that I am just scared to rush things and make her feel pressured and uncomfortable.

 

[HollyS]

Talk. If she isn''t ready for marriage, she''ll let you know. Don''t take that personally, because most women do not move in with a guy if they are not really serious about him. She may be trying not to rush you; did that cross your mind?

The only way to plan your future, or even plan to hold off on the major life changes, is to be open and honest with each other.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/5/2008 1:21:55 PM
Author: rob09
Hm ... yeah, communication. I actually pride myself on being a good communicator, but in this case ... seriously, would you invest in all these 'long-term' goods if you were NOT serious about the relationship and seeing a future together?? And joke about future kids??

What "long-term" goods? And sorry, but a joke about future kids isn't anywhere near on the same level as having a conversation about having kids. People joke about things all the time with things they don't mean--that's why they're jokes.

And talk about things we should do next year? And if they talk ends up confirming that 'she sees a future together', does that automatically solve the engagement timing/question? I guess if she says that she wants to see whether things are working out I should probably hold off. Argh! I guess that I am just scared to rush things and make her feel pressured and uncomfortable.

Rob, you need to know that if you only *just* moved in together, she might NOT know yet. Don't think of this as an all-or-nothing kind of situation (if you are--that's kind of how it sounds to me). You are trying to figure out how she is feeling and if she has thought at all about marriage and kids and where you might want to live and whatever other future stuff. So, ask her. Say the move together has made you realize how much you love having her around and you were wondering if she's thought any further into the future than now.

I think if you continue questioning every little thing she does or says to figure out, "It NOW the time? Is she ready? It is NOW? No, she just did that, maybe I'll scare her off if I do it now..." you are going to LOSE YOUR MIND. Seriously. There are a hundred different possible explanations for why she made a joke about kids or why she wouldn't look at wedding dresses with you. If you want to drive yourself nuts over the next 6 months, year, whatever--by all means, keep trying to read her mind. But if you want to have a firm, solid idea of what she is thinking and feeling, just talk to her. She's the expert on her, not any of us. And honestly, if you guys ever want to get engaged/married, you'll have to get used to having these talks eventually. The whole communication thing doesn't stop once there's a ring on her finger.

 

[Bia]

No rushing. Just talking. Ask her where she sees things going and tell her where you see things going. No need to feel like you''re pressuring her because 1.) the topic naturally came up (and has since been mentioned again to her mother) and 2.) you''re in love.

 

[sklingem]

Gwen - with long-term goods I meant buying furniture, a car and other quite expensive items together. I don't want to attach too much importance to material things, but for me that means a fairly high level of commitment and a "statement" about an outlook for the future (?) And I hear you all ... talking is always important!! No disagreements here ...

 

[Munchkin]

I know the idea of actually having a straightforward, frank discussion about all this can be intimidating and sometimes seem unromantic. That said, it needs to be done!

"And talk about things we should do next year? And if they talk ends up confirming that "she sees a future together", does that automatically solve the engagement timing/question? I guess if she says that she wants to see whether things are working out I should probably hold off."

Don''t draw conclusions or assume! Simply state "The engagements of our friends has me thinking more about our future. In the past you''ve said that it takes four seasons to get to know someone. Is that how you still feel - or are you wanting to move forward sooner than that? What kind of timeline is in your head?"

Feelings/thoughts on marriage change! Even though she has said she wanted to be together a year - that doesn''t mean she feels that way now.

I personally went through a profound change with respect to my personal timeline. We were together years before we got engaged. Most of those years I knew I wasn''t truly ready to move forward - despite enjoying looking at rings and wistfully hearing stories of friends'' engagements. One day, I was simply ready and I wanted to be engaged NOW.

You can not have any idea what she is thinking and feeling unless you ask her directly. Do not allude, do not skirt the issue, do not try to infer from a vague discussion. My husband and I had vague talks about engagement and we were unknowingly on TOTALLY different pages regarding a timeline. I thought for months he knew how I felt because I though hinting would do the trick. It took a crappy, tear filled fight to realize it.

You are talking about your future marriage. Establish strong communication skills now and respect her feelings enough to find out exactly what they are. (Use these thoughts to motivate you when you are nervous about bringing it up.)

Good luck!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/5/2008 1:37:02 PM
Author: rob09
Gwen - with long-term goods I meant buying furniture, a car and other quite expensive items together. I don't want to attach too much importance to material things, but for me that means a fairly high level of commitment and a 'statement' about an outlook for the future (?) And I hear you all ... talking is always important!! No disagreements here ...

Well, not to say the situation with your lady and yourself is like this (obviously I would have no idea, considering I don't know either of you

), but I have two friends who have been together for almost 7.5 years now. They have been living together for 5 years, and they have purchased all manner of expensive items together--furniture, appliances, cars, pets, electronics--lots of "long-term goods" as you'd call them. Not a house, though. The boyfriend (B) is shopping for a house, which he refers to as HIS house--he talks of what HE needs in a house, how far HE wants to be from work, etc. B even went to look at houses without K (the girlfriend) because he is not ready for marriage and realizes that a house is a HUGE financial commitment and he is not ready to share that with K either. But that's another story...

Anyway, my point is that even after 7.5 years together, 5 of those years living together, buying a bunch of expensive items together didn't equal commitment, and it won't. It has to be more than that.

 

[wishful]

I''m going to go out on a limb here and say that I think she''s ready. I don''t think she''d be hinting about not having a ring to show off if she wasn''t. HOWEVER....you guys have only been together 6 months and IMHO I don''t think thats very long...so I''d agree with the general consensus and say - talk to her.

Just have a nice serious conversation (we love it when men want to have serious conversations about "the relationship" lol) about where the two of you see things going. You are obviously happy and wanting to move forward but a talk will give you a good idea if she is ready for marriage just yet or if you should wait a little longer.

Good luck!!!

 

[sklingem]

Thanks guys for your advice - certainly food for thought! I'll have to ponder things for a while ... no rush. Thanks wishful - I guess once you get a bit older it takes less time to figure out what you want ... and I certainly think that I have found what I was looking for!
Cheers,
Rob

 

[wishful]

Date: 6/5/2008 1:49:32 PM
Author: rob09
Thanks guys for your advice - certainly food for thought! I''ll have to ponder things for a while ... no rush. Thanks wishful - I guess once you get a bit older it takes less time to figure out what you want ... and I certainly think that I have found what I was looking for!
Cheers,
Rob

Hahah - I hear ya! I''m 35 and I''m like...hey! why is my finger still ringless????? Let''s get the show on the road!

 

[canadian_bling]

Hey Rob,

If she''s ready and you''re ready, I don''t think it is necessary or inappropriate to move forward together.From what you''re telling us, you guys seem to really trust each other when it comes to big decisions such as making expensive purchases and moving in together. I think these things all bode well for you too. I''m very happy to hear that you guys have such a good relationship and are always open to communication. You will make a good team.

Best of luck!

 

[aliciagirl]

Date: 6/5/2008 1:37:02 PM
Author: rob09
Gwen - with long-term goods I meant buying furniture, a car and other quite expensive items together. I don''t want to attach too much importance to material things, but for me that means a fairly high level of commitment and a ''statement'' about an outlook for the future (?) And I hear you all ... talking is always important!! No disagreements here ...

This is a statement, just like her saying she wanted to wait a year is a statement. And since the two are kind of conflicting, you need to ask her. Do you want it to be a total surprise or something? I understand that you two live together and have purchased furniture together and things but it makes me kind of nervous that you would purchase a ring before you even know how she feels about marriage. Some people love being in committed relationships but don''t want to be married for whatever reason - maybe they think the institution of marriage is silly or maybe they just don''t want to fool with a potential divorce.

We don''t know her and I think you have some serious talking to do with her. I''ve joked with a few boyfriends about potential kids.. things like "man, if we had kids, they''d be so pale!" but it didn''t mean that I actually wanted to have kids with them. I think you shouldn''t make assumptions about furniture and jokes when she has very clearly said that she needs a year to be ready. Any couple who is ready to be engaged should be ready to have a conversation about it.

If she is the kind of woman who doesn''t rush things, maybe it''s important to her to have important conversations about things like children and religion and finances before she accepts a proposal?

This is just MHO, of course and you know her better than we do. Just don''t make yourself crazy overanalyzing.

 

[surfgirl]

I''m confused...Aren''t you the guy who''s posting on the Brides thread, looking for beach wedding locations in Maine? And you''ve already bought an ering? But you''ve never actually had any adult conversations with your GF about becoming engaged and getting married? I will say what I''d say to any woman who would be looking at wedding venues and choosing a ring before she''d had a real conversation with her guy, TALK TO HER! Seriously, you aren''t ready or mature enough to get engaged let alone married if you cannot have an adult conversation about marriage and what it means, how you want to live your life, etc. Buying expensive things like cars and furniture, or even a house, do not a marriage make. They are simply things you''ve saved money on by splitting the cost. Nothing more, nothing less. Marriage is about a lot more than buying things together. You say you know that, but that''s also your criteria to assume that she is ready or that she really does want to marry you or that you both have the same life goals. You need to communicate with her, and then take it from there. There''s no reason why you shouldn''t be completely straight with her about your feelings and thoughts. But there is no way anyone here can tell you what your GF wants, feels or thinks. And doing so can really be a disservice to your relationship. Talk to your GF. She''s the only one who can answer your question.

Good luck!

 

[sklingem]

Pardon me - but there is nothing wrong with getting excited and looking at rings, dresses and wedding venues - even before having a "serious" discussion. How many LIW here have been doing this for the past 20 years??? (Not all of them, I know). Some people also do not take 10 years to figure out whether a person is the right one for them. Is it foolish and immature to buy an engagement ring before being 100% sure whether it is going to work out? Well, IMHO it does not have to be. Is it a risk? Sure. And one that I am willing to take.
Does that mean that I am not going to address these topics with my GF? Certainly not. BTW I have been married before - so I have a bit of life/marriage experience under my belt, thank you very much. And if your (surfgirl) post was not meant to be judgmental, it certainly did come across as such.
Yes, some guys are not afraid to stick their necks out - and how refreshing it can be to follow your heart when you are in love. I certainly know a lot of women who would die to be with a guy who was so enthousiastic about investing time and energy in getting a ring, looking into the future and someone who is ready to make a commitment.

 

[KCCutie]

HI Rob!

If your girl is anything like me she''s keeping the words engagement and ring out of her vocabulary until you bring them up b/c some guys run for the hills when they hear those words. Trust me I''ve had plenty of time and I learned that lesson the hard way. So every relationship from that point on I was very wary of uttering those words.

Now that being said once my guy brought it up and showed he was thinking about it on his own I was so relieved and opened right up. So, please just talk to her! You''re living together you need to be able to talk about everything and talking about your expectations for the relationship is so important, please don''t put it off.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/5/2008 2:21:35 PM
Author: rob09
Is it foolish and immature to buy an engagement ring before being 100% sure whether it is going to work out? Well, IMHO it does not have to be. Is it a risk? Sure. And one that I am willing to take.

I think the thing that bugs me about you having the ring already is that, while it''s sweet that you''re excited and in love and everything, if you haven''t talked to her at all about any of this stuff, how do you know she didn''t want to pick it out herself? Or have some input at all, really? I know to me an engagement ring is about the engagement, which is about teamwork. I''ve been window-shopping for my ideal ring since I was 16 (I''m 30 now), and I''d have been pretty disappointed if my man went ahead and made all the decisions without me. It''s sweet that you''re this excited, it really is, but it also sounds a bit more like it''s about you and *your* excitement rather than it being about BOTH of you and what''s right for BOTH of you right now. And maybe that''s totally wrong and I''ve just interpreted things incorrectly--I don''t know. But if you''re posting, asking us if we think she''s not ready yet because that''s what YOU''VE picked up from her, yet you have a ring already, that tells me that something isn''t quite gelling.

 

[sklingem]

Gwen - I know that a lot of women here think that the ring buying process should be a joint effort/endeavor. I am not going to get into a discussion about that - I have a good idea of what she likes and dislikes in rings/jewellry, so I was confident that I could get a ring without any further input. And I like suprises. But many threads here have adressed this issue and this is not what this thread is about, right? I guess the consensus here is that a good talk is the best way to see how she feels about the future of the relationship and/or any timing of getting engaged. I will take this advice to heart and rest my case.

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Date: 6/5/2008 2:21:35 PM
Author: rob09
Pardon me - but there is nothing wrong with getting excited and looking at rings, dresses and wedding venues - even before having a ''serious'' discussion. How many LIW here have been doing this for the past 20 years??? (Not all of them, I know). Some people also do not take 10 years to figure out whether a person is the right one for them. Is it foolish and immature to buy an engagement ring before being 100% sure whether it is going to work out? Well, IMHO it does not have to be. Is it a risk? Sure. And one that I am willing to take.

Does that mean that I am not going to address these topics with my GF? Certainly not. BTW I have been married before - so I have a bit of life/marriage experience under my belt, thank you very much. And if your (surfgirl) post was not meant to be judgmental, it certainly did come across as such.

Yes, some guys are not afraid to stick their necks out - and how refreshing it can be to follow your heart when you are in love. I certainly know a lot of women who would die to be with a guy who was so enthousiastic about investing time and energy in getting a ring, looking into the future and someone who is ready to make a commitment.

Well I''d say surfgirl had some excellent points really: ditto ditto ditto. She''s just saying that if you are mature enough and ready then you are also mature enough to have a conversation in which the two of you finally communicate your goals to each other so there would be no need for a thread like this. And as surfgirl said, she''d say the same to any LIW too.

I think it''s great that you know she''s what you''re looking for. I too think it may not be the best idea to pick out a ring without any input, but I did just watch my roommate (who moved out a few days ago to her new place with her fiance) upgrade/change the style of her ring before they are even married. and WHY? because he didn''t ask her what she liked and got her something she said she "was ok with."

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 6/5/2008 1:21:55 PM
Author: rob09
Hm ... yeah, communication. I actually pride myself on being a good communicator, but in this case ... seriously, would you invest in all these 'long-term' goods if you were NOT serious about the relationship and seeing a future together?? And joke about future kids??
And talk about things we should do next year? And if they talk ends up confirming that 'she sees a future together', does that automatically solve the engagement timing/question? I guess if she says that she wants to see whether things are working out I should probably hold off. Argh! I guess that I am just scared to rush things and make her feel pressured and uncomfortable.

She might be serious about a future together, but it doesn't sound to me like you two have really discussed whether you're on the same page about what that future looks like.

For example, kids -- since it's been joked about, it sounds like you both may want them. But what about raising them? Will she stay home, will you stay home, will you both work? How many children will you have? When will you have them? Will you raise them in a particular religion? Do you believe in spanking? Etc.

The same could be said for money or numerous other issues that a couple will face. What's your 5-year plan as a couple? Where will you be living? What are her long-term goals as far as career, family, travel goes? It's critical that you know where the other person stands on all of the big issues AND that you agree or can work out a suitable compromise. I'm not saying she's NOT the one, but from what you've written you could both stand to get to know each other a bit better before jumping in head first.

Like others have said, talk to her about all of this! Bring up children in a non-joking context, etc. ASK her when she sees you two getting married. And so forth. You two don't appear to have had any adqueate frank, serious discussions about the future -- and honestly, that's a big yellow flag to me. I think you need to slow things down and get to know each other better before you consider taking things to the next level.

 

[sklingem]

Again - I really appreciate the advice that people have given me - including surfgirl''s advice on having a serious talk - and I wholeheartedly agree that communcation is key in any good relationship. Making any further assumptions on (a) my willingness or ability to have an "adult" conversation, (b)my maturity, (c) my degree of understanding of my GFs general wishes and desires or (d) my ability to "work as a team" based on the simple fact that she had no input on the ring is totally out of line and I take issue with it. If you want to contribute to the general discussion of how much men and women should be involved in the process, there are many other threads out there where people drive each other nuts. If you disagree with me on that point, I am totally fine with that. I will think about a good time and place to address some of these issues with my gf and give you an update. Deal? Great.

 

[ringless]

Um, yeah, she''s hinting for sure! I would take her to a special dinner and talk with her about it first of course, and get her thoughts on getting engaged sometime this year. If she''s like "what no way!" lol then you will have your answer and you can wait a little longer. If she''s on board then go for it!.. have the ring in your pocket!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 6/5/2008 3:11:07 PM
Author: rob09
Again - I really appreciate the advice that people have given me - including surfgirl''s advice on having a serious talk - and I wholeheartedly agree that communcation is key in any good relationship. Making any further assumptions on (a) my willingness or ability to have an ''adult'' conversation, (b)my maturity, (c) my degree of understanding of my GFs general wishes and desires or (d) my ability to ''work as a team'' based on the simple fact that she had no input on the ring is totally out of line and I take issue with it. If you want to contribute to the general discussion of how much men and women should be involved in the process, there are many other threads out there where people drive each other nuts. If you disagree with me on that point, I am totally fine with that. I will think about a good time and place to address some of these issues with my gf and give you an update. Deal? Great.

With all due respect, we can only work with what you''ve given/told us. In your first post, you said:

"We have not talked about marriage or engagement at all (we have made allusions to "future children" in a playful way), with the exception of commenting on others experiences/relationships."

That is probably a large reason, right there, for the responses you got. We have no choice but to make assumptions regarding (a) and (c) based on that statement above and the other posts you made. To ME, you''re not even close to being ready to actually contemplate engagement until you''ve talked about marriage in-depth and for an extended period of time.

I don''t mean any of this in a snarky manner whatsoever. I''m just trying to clarify where I was coming from and where others may be coming from.

 

[galeteia]

I just wrote several paragraphs of thought-out reply tied to specific things you said, and PS ate it.

I don''t have another twenty minutes to type it all out again, so here''s the short version of my take on what you''ve said. I''m dissenting from popular opinion here.

Bottom line, I don''t think she''s ready or you would have gotten stronger hints, you''ve been dating a non-rush-into-things girl for only 6 months, and that you''ve just undergone a huge change by moving in together, and to let her explore what it is like to have you as a de-facto husband. In girl-speak, you''ve made it clear you are receptive to the idea of marriage (even my guy hasn''t suggested wedding dress browsing) and are open to discussing it further, like children, location, careers, etc. When she''s ready, the hints will be dropping like bricks.

I''ll come back later and flesh out things if I can. Take care!

 

[Pushin40]

Wow - it feels like poor Rob09 is being insulting for basically asking the same quesitons that any typical LIW does!

I personally, Rob, don''t feel you are immature becuase you are in love and are excited to marry your woman!

I want to pick out my ering but OMG if SO ever showed up with a ring he picked out for me, by himself, and he totally suprised me, I would MELT!!!!!!!!!!

Good luck to ya! I thinks its FANTASTIC you are willing to take a chance!!! AWW!!!