What does she mean?? Advice needed from LIW

[Rhea]

It''s not just the willing to take a chance, it''s the discussion of important things and events. A surprise ring is a lovely thing to many. Getting married and realising after a couple of years together that you don''t necessarily want the same things in life is not.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/5/2008 2:50:21 PM
Author: rob09
Gwen - I know that a lot of women here think that the ring buying process should be a joint effort/endeavor. I am not going to get into a discussion about that - I have a good idea of what she likes and dislikes in rings/jewellry, so I was confident that I could get a ring without any further input. And I like suprises. But many threads here have adressed this issue and this is not what this thread is about, right? I guess the consensus here is that a good talk is the best way to see how she feels about the future of the relationship and/or any timing of getting engaged. I will take this advice to heart and rest my case.

Rob, honey, I probably should've waited to post before because I was seeing that you were starting to get a bit defensive, like you were under attack or something. You're not. We know that you will ALWAYS have the fuller picture than we do, so you have to remember that when reading our replies. We're not out to get you; we're trying to help.

I do have to respectfully disagree a bit about you saying that her input or lack thereof in the purchase of the ring isn't what this thread is about, though. Obviously it's not the main topic, no--but it goes back to the fundamental issue of how much is being openly communicated between the two of you, and how much is being assumed. I answered how *I* would feel if my boyfriend had purchased a ring without me--obviously I have no idea if it's important to your girlfriend or not. But my point is that maybe you don't know if it's important to your girlfriend or not either. An engagement ring (for many) is not just any piece of jewelry, so the rules that hold true for her generally may not apply when it comes to an engagement ring. I don't know, and it sounds like you don't know either, for sure. And maybe the whole 'surprise' thing is worth the trade-off to you--again, I don't know. I don't think hardly anything having to do with engagements should be a surprise since it's the promise to live your life with someone else--that's an area of my life where I'd like the LEAST amount of surprise, personally!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 6/5/2008 5:29:26 PM
Author: Pushin40
Wow - it feels like poor Rob09 is being insulting for basically asking the same quesitons that any typical LIW does!

I personally, Rob, don''t feel you are immature becuase you are in love and are excited to marry your woman!

I want to pick out my ering but OMG if SO ever showed up with a ring he picked out for me, by himself, and he totally suprised me, I would MELT!!!!!!!!!!

Good luck to ya! I thinks its FANTASTIC you are willing to take a chance!!! AWW!!!

While I COMPLETELY appreciate the sentiment of feeling head-over-heels for someone-- and I felt this way (still do!) about SO 6 months in...

I would feel blindsided if SO had showed up with a ring he''d picked out for me with none of my input and no real discussion about marriage.

If anything, I think most of us were simply trying to help. Many LIW don''t always hear what they ''want to'' hear on here (myself included) when they ask for advice -- but it''s almost always well-intentioned.

 

[wishful]

Date: 6/5/2008 12:52:05 PM
Author:rob09
I was just holding off because she always gave me the impression that she did not want to rush into anything (comment: ''you need four seasons to get to really know someone - well, it has been six months and two seasons) and I do not want to jump the gun (especialy since we just moved in together).
Comments? Advice? Female psychology???
Thanks!
Rob

I think that a lot of the comments in regards to having a discussion with her come from what I highlighted above.
If you are feeling like maybe this might be too soon for her then definitley a talk is in order.
That being said...you also may find out from that talk that she may indeed want to have some part in the design of the ring.
From my own personal perspective - I definitley wanted to give some imput into the ring because it''s something I intend to wear every day (basically) for the rest of my life. I''m fairly picky about jewelry and clothing and even though my BF and I have similar tastes - I still wanted to be involved. But that''s just my situation. Every one is different.

Also I wanted to say that I strongly agree with the "four seasons" theory. It''s always a good idea to know each other for a year before doing anything too serious. I think it''s a very valuable experience to get to know your SO at their best AND more importantly at their worst. See them when they are all grouchy from a horrible day at work, under a lot of stress or sick with the flu etc. Then you get a sense of the whole person. But long engagements and living together can solve that!

 

[Octavia]

Date: 6/5/2008 7:38:47 PM
Author: absolut_blonde

I would feel blindsided if SO had showed up with a ring he''d picked out for me with none of my input and no real discussion about marriage.

This happened to me, and while I was blindsided, I don''t think it necessarily indicates problems in the relationship. Granted, FI and I had been together longer than Rob and his GF, but I was just at the point of gearing myself up to talk about whether the relationship was headed for marriage when he proposed. He had been thinking about it, too, and one day decided that he just couldn''t wait any longer. However, he told me that one of the reasons he asked at home, when it was just the two of us, was because he didn''t want me to feel pressured into saying yes if I wasn''t ready yet. Even though we hadn''t specifically talked about marriage, we''d had serious talks about the future and knew we were pretty much on the same page about important issues, and it has all been clarified through many more serious discussions since we''ve been engaged.

Point being, every single detail doesn''t have to be hashed out before the engagement. If you have no clue whether you''re on the same page as your SO, though, it''s probably not the right time to propose.

Finally, not everyone is as ring-conscious as most of the people on PS. I dearly love sparkly gems, but the ring is the least important thing on my mind when I consider my relationship with and love for FI. It''s not the ring I would have chosen (actually, not even very close) but it''s very pretty and I''ve learned to love it. I''m flexible, and I like to think that''s one of the things FI loves about me. Then again, if the ring was that important to me, FI probably would have know my preferences well in advance!

Anyway, Rob, while I do think you''re moving fast, that doesn''t mean you''re wrong to do so. BUT you should definitely test the waters with your GF and make sure she feels the same before popping the question. I probably would have said no if FI had surprised me with a ring 6 months into the relationship, but after 2 years, it was (obviously) a different situation!