What does your SO think about your appearance?

[Saoirse2]

Jaysonsmom in the pics you've posted on here you're very pretty & in great shape! Shame on him for trying to degrade you

My ex-husband was extremely degrading to me. I was the main breadwinner, worked hard, had a fabulous career & took good care of myself. I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant, I was on bed rest from 5 months into the pregnancy. Went back to work when my son was 6 weeks old, which left no time for working out. After 2 years of being called a fat-ass by him I joined the gym.
Lost 50 lbs and filed for divorce. Adios a-hole I never looked back. We divorced 20 yrs ago. I am happily remarried. He is still alone. Karma is a b**ch.

I stayed in great shape until a couple of years ago when a health issue stopped my workouts. My DH knows damn well not to flap his jaws.

If this is something new, I would seriously call him on it. Have you tried to tell him to stop? Do you criticize him?
I would tell him he is undermining your feelings for him and that is a very bad road to go down.

This resonated with me. In the last 3 years, I have been the main breadwinner, and I take good care of myself (aging better than he has) so I wonder if this has anything to do with his mean comments? Because HE has to put me down in other ways so that he feels more of a man? Don't worry, I'm not letting his comments get to me...I get affirmation from others, and I really don't get down on myself! I DO love to hear that there are plenty of loving SO's out there that stick true to their vows to love their spouse through THICK and THIN!

I'm finding very hard to take all this.......I really don't care if he's playing the 'asian macho' or whatever....no real man should talk like that to his wife PERIOD. I would calmly talk to him about this and warn him that if I hear one comment like that again I'll be filing for a divorce and remind him that job market has improved for the last few months, great time to start looking

 

[kenny]

We're both butt-ugly, but we have great inner beauty.

The perfect couple.

 

[Circe]

You know ...

... I just ....

... WTF?!?!?

That's about all the eloquent analysis I can articulate, at present. No, partners cannot speak to one another like that. If I weighed 1000lbs and my husband slapped my hand away from my food (as opposed to having a respectful conversation with me re: his concern for my health), we'd have words. I've seen photos of you: you're in better shape than most of my childfree friends! That's not to say that anybody anywhere gets a pass on bullying an SO who is actually out of shape: anybody who does is being a massive tool. But as you're not ... there's obviously something more going on there, which I think Dreamer and Woofmama have pegged with great accuracy.

I'm so glad that so far all of you have SO's that think you're beautiful and show it! I don't know if it is an Asian (macho) thing, but my husband and other male family members are always sitting around talking about how they would never accept a wife who "let themselves go" and went as far as saying that things like weight gain should be added in a pre-nup as a deal breaker. Needless to say, my brother's wife and all my cousin's wives are the stick-thin type...they married stick-thin women who have fast metabolisms! I, unfortunately did not get the stick-thin gene, and due to comments about my body, I feel very insecure around my hubby, and have zero sex drive too. He says these things, and then wonders why I never want to have him touch me.

As an aside: men who sit around bemoaning the bait-and-switch that is women, you know, aginglike they're human or something ... dude. Do I get a rider for erectile dysfunction? Clause re: low t, thinning hair, middle-aged weight gain ...? I mean, I don't NEED one, since I think of my spouse as a person and not a ticky-list of braggable virtues that I can flaunt in front of my (same-gender, therefore possessed of agency) friends ... but if we were to draw the parallel precisely, perhaps then men might see the absurdity of it all. Yikes.

 

[luv2sparkle]

jaysonsmom, I am so hurt for you. No man has the right to say those things to his woman. Woman take a lot of hits just from the media, and living in this world. Men age too. They get flabby and wrinkly and get some pretty good jowls going on too. I am sorry he says these things to you and I am glad you don't take them to heart. I could think of all kinds of things you could do to him like itching powder in his socks, but they wouldn't be nice or helpful so I will just leave them out. I'm thinking about them though....

My DH always says nice things to me. He compliments me all the time, and I have to say I don't believe a word of it. I have gained and lost weight over the years more times than I can count and I am starting to look in the mirror and not be too happy with what I see. Truthfully, I don't know why he loves me so much. I think he could find better and do better, but for some reason he loves me.

Ohhh, that second paragraph makes me sad! Sometimes my husband used to say he was a troll and couldn't believe I was dating him. But I truly think he's beautiful! It is so subjective, beauty, and it's true it is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes I feel like he's so much more intelligent than me, but when I voice that concern we talk about how we have knowledge in different areas and he always makes me feel like I am smarter than him! Listen to your husband, if he thinks you're lovely and loves you it's because he does. I mean, you're married, it's not like he has to keep trying to win you over...he's just trying to KEEP you now! Good for him.

I'm with Monarch on this Luv2! Don't feel that way, please!!! Accept the compliments, you are worthy I'm sure! He loves you because you are you!

In my head that sounded much more tongue-in-cheek than it did when I wrote it down. When we got together he was the shy one and I was the outgoing one, but as we got older he got so very handsome, and I just felt like I got older. Plus, I just have more baggage from growing up with the family I did. Sometimes when something comes up that I know is a remnant of old stuff, I just think I am more trouble than I am worth. He just doesn't have 'stuff' like I do. But I really didn't mean that to sound as pathetic as it did!

 

[nala]

I wish my hubby had told me, jokingly, or seriously,that I was gaining weight. All I got was love and reassurance, and 30 pounds later, I am heavy and unhappy with myself. Maybe he is looking out for you, and doesn't think that he could ever hurt your feelings because you are so confident and beautiful (you sound like a strong person).
A lot of people are posting about how their hubbies would never talk to them that way, and how horrible he is being to you, but very few probably have the courage to post and share the realities of their marriages if they are not so perfect. IOW, for every poster who is telling you that they are in loving marriages with husbands who shower them in compliments daily, there are many who don't dare to share their realities.
I have friends who are married to husbands who have not touched them in years because they gained weight. I have friends who are delusional about their cheating husbands. I have friends in horrible marriages who never admit their realities but pretend that everything is wonderful because they are stay at home mom's who are financially dependent on their hubbies.
Very few people will admit when their relationship is struggling. You are strong to admit this. You are strong enough to tell him it's bothering you.
Also, it sounds like everyone is condemning your hubby, but as a strong woman, I doubt that he treats you disrespectfully in other ways, bc something tells me you wouldn't put up with that.
To answer your original question, my hubby doesn't shower me with compliments, but he does the house cleaning bc he knows I hate it...he does my laundry bc I hate going to the basement...he packs my lunch...and we have a great intimate life after 10 years of marriage. He doesn't need to shower me with compliments when he shows me love every day. And if he ever does say a comment like that, I will cut him some slack because maybe, just maybe, it is coming from a place of love. After all, I don't think there is a nice way to tell someone to watch their weight.

 

[lioness]

Men (and women too) will sometimes criticize their partner's looks as a method of keeping the partner committed to the relationship by criticizing your partners appearance , if they believe you, then they may begin to think no one else will want them. And believing no one else will want you keeps you committed to your current relationship no matter how poor it is. Such tactics are particularly common for men who fear they themselves are lower in mate value than their wife! It is akin to other forms of derogation and abuse that lower one's mate's self-worth to keep him/ tied to the current relationship for fear of a lack of alternatives. It can work! But at a cost, obviously. He likely has no idea why he is being so mean and critical. These are not tactics people use consciously in that sense. But I can almost guarantee his comments are driven by his own insecurities, not by actual flaws in your appearance at all. I don't know the solution to a man using such mate-retention tactics, but maybe this insight will help a little on some level.

YES! This could've been said by my divorce attorneys and the court-appointed psychologist who is evaluating our daughters. I lived through it, I swallowed the criticism and, what's even worse, the indifference.

 

[qtiekiki]

I'm so glad that so far all of you have SO's that think you're beautiful and show it! I don't know if it is an Asian (macho) thing, but my husband and other male family members are always sitting around talking about how they would never accept a wife who "let themselves go" and went as far as saying that things like weight gain should be added in a pre-nup as a deal breaker. Needless to say, my brother's wife and all my cousin's wives are the stick-thin type...they married stick-thin women who have fast metabolisms! I, unfortunately did not get the stick-thin gene, and due to comments about my body, I feel very insecure around my hubby, and have zero sex drive too. He says these things, and then wonders why I never want to have him touch me.

It's not an Asian macho thing, it's just a macho chauvinistic thing. I've never heard my dad, FIL or any uncles sit around talking about this. If anything, it's the females commenting on weight. I am sorry that you are receiving these hurtful comments.

I am actually the more critical one on my own body. I prefer being more lean and defined. And in the end, we have to be happy with ourselves.

 

[arkieb1]

I just looked at your pic - I have NO idea what your husband is on about, you look great, and I sincerely mean that. You look much younger than most women I know that are in their early 40s (I am heading towards my mid 40s) and you are still thin. I am half Asian and short and dumpy after kids (yeah I got the dumpy white genes not the stick thin Asian genes) and I think you look wonderful. Stop worrying. My husband has said and done some pretty nasty crap to me over the years and I stop caring about it a long long time ago!!!!

 

[Sky56]

A partner shouldn't say those things. My husband thinks and tells me I am beautiful and attractive. I feel he adores me completely. I'm attractive but in the ordinary average way. I weigh 40 lbs more now than when I met him, I was skinny in the 80's. I couldn't be with someone who would make denigrating comments about my appearance, it would be too much to bear as I was bullied in that manner as a pre-teen.

It is interesting how people perceive themselves. I think my husband is a very handsome man - his celebrity double is Ethan Hawke. Yet he thinks he is ordinary-looking and nothing special. It could be that he was shy as a young man and had few girlfriends or sexual experiences before he met me.

 

[MarionC]

I have been the main breadwinner, and I take good care of myself (aging better than he has) so I wonder if this has anything to do with his mean comments? Because HE has to put me down in other ways so that he feels more of a man?!

Probably he says the things he does because right now he doesn't like himself - it has nothing to do with you. Even though you don't let it get to you it's not good for you! I hope you find a way to address this situation [which is obviously causing you some distress].
[[[hugs]]]

 

[MarionC]

We're both butt-ugly, but we have great inner beauty.

The perfect couple.

I believe the perfect couple & inner beauty parts, but not the other part.

 

[MrsAkin]

I wish my hubby had told me, jokingly, or seriously,that I was gaining weight. All I got was love and reassurance, and 30 pounds later, I am heavy and unhappy with myself. Maybe he is looking out for you, and doesn't think that he could ever hurt your feelings because you are so confident and beautiful (you sound like a strong person).
A lot of people are posting about how their hubbies would never talk to them that way, and how horrible he is being to you, but very few probably have the courage to post and share the realities of their marriages if they are not so perfect. IOW, for every poster who is telling you that they are in loving marriages with husbands who shower them in compliments daily, there are many who don't dare to share their realities.
I have friends who are married to husbands who have not touched them in years because they gained weight. I have friends who are delusional about their cheating husbands. I have friends in horrible marriages who never admit their realities but pretend that everything is wonderful because they are stay at home mom's who are financially dependent on their hubbies.
Very few people will admit when their relationship is struggling. You are strong to admit this. You are strong enough to tell him it's bothering you.
Also, it sounds like everyone is condemning your hubby, but as a strong woman, I doubt that he treats you disrespectfully in other ways, bc something tells me you wouldn't put up with that.
To answer your original question, my hubby doesn't shower me with compliments, but he does the house cleaning bc he knows I hate it...he does my laundry bc I hate going to the basement...he packs my lunch...and we have a great intimate life after 10 years of marriage. He doesn't need to shower me with compliments when he shows me love every day. And if he ever does say a comment like that, I will cut him some slack because maybe, just maybe, it is coming from a place of love. After all, I don't think there is a nice way to tell someone to watch their weight.

Nala, I like your post. I think you have some valid points about the reality of marriage. People, I know all of you are trying to watch out for your friend but maybe we should try to help them solve this resentment issue in their marriage. I feel like post like these are may make someone feel like everyone's marriages are all sunshine and rainbows and she is the only one stuck with a disrespectful partner.

Jaysonsmom, I think you need to speak up with your husband about the way his words make you feel. Do not bury your frustration and anger inside - these are the killers of marriages. I believe you feel somehow disconnected but he's your husband of 14 years, how bad could it be? You have two kids, you obviously loved this man in some part of your life. Don't let unresolved issues take all those happy times away. Ok he hurt you with his comments but divorce is an extreme measure for what he did. Do you also have a problem about you being the main breadwinner? Listen to your heart and bring up the issues to your husband, try to solve them together. You need to sincerely open your feelings to him and try to be patient and listen to his explanations. My husband is a great husband and father, so responsible but every once in a while he makes me question why ever I married him in the first place. I let both of us sleep on it and speak to him later about how he broke my heart with a calm and loving way. When he speaks I try to understand his reasoning about the way he acted. Maybe he felt defensive, maybe he was overtired. What do you know, I may be just as much or more guilty than him! My point is we all have bad times. We just need to figure how to make things work if we're in it for the long run. We here have a saying, if you are alive there is still hope. Please don't give up on your husband, family is the best thing in this world.

Lastly, are you happy with the way you look? 10 pounds is nothing, NOTHING in my opinion but how do YOU feel about yourself? Would you be completely happy about your appearance if it weren't for him? If you say yes, more power to you! But if it makes you feel bad and hurts your self esteem do something for yourself.

 

[lknvrb4]

My husband is always telling me how gorgeous I am or how I am the most beautiful woman in the room. He loves me to pieces.

 

[Rhea]

I'm sorry that your husband is being mean about your looks. It doesn't feel good and it's not acceptable. Are you able to speak with him about how it makes you feel?

My husband was raised by health nuts, hates sweets, and is very careful about what he consumes. I was raised in the South of the US Despite having been a runner for years I'm just not as concerned as he is. I weigh about the same as when we got married but I think I'm a bit softer than I used to be. I'm told I'm beautiful and complimented, especially during weeks I go running so my husband is more positive reinforcement than anything. But he can be pretty judging about what I eat. As in, "didn't you already eat cookies earlier today?" It doesn't help that I eat anything sat in front of me! It's something that we have to continually work on with me telling him how it comes across, how it makes me feel, and that it just makes me want to eat twice the amount of cookies!

 

[chrono]

It's not an Asian macho thing, it's just a macho chauvinistic thing. I've never heard my dad, FIL or any uncles sit around talking about this. If anything, it's the females commenting on weight. I am sorry that you are receiving these hurtful comments.

Agree with the above; it's not an Asian male thing but a male chauvinistic thing. Pretending not to be affected by it will only eat away at your spirit. If it bothers you now, it will eventually bother you again down the road. The only way to stop this is to have a heart to heart with him. Who knows, he may not even be aware that he's hurting your feelings and if you don't let him know, he will continue to bring this up time and again.

 

[Polished]

So the men in the family sit around discussing how their wives mustn't put on weight. What do the women talk about when they get together? I wonder if any of the other women are tired of being hungry and stick thin.

 

[Dancing Fire]

So the men in the family sit around discussing how their wives mustn't put on weight. What do the women talk about when they get together? I wonder if any of the other women are tired of being hungry and stick thin.

Gossiping about their friends...

 

[Circe]

I wish my hubby had told me, jokingly, or seriously,that I was gaining weight. All I got was love and reassurance, and 30 pounds later, I am heavy and unhappy with myself. Maybe he is looking out for you, and doesn't think that he could ever hurt your feelings because you are so confident and beautiful (you sound like a strong person).
A lot of people are posting about how their hubbies would never talk to them that way, and how horrible he is being to you, but very few probably have the courage to post and share the realities of their marriages if they are not so perfect. IOW, for every poster who is telling you that they are in loving marriages with husbands who shower them in compliments daily, there are many who don't dare to share their realities.
I have friends who are married to husbands who have not touched them in years because they gained weight. I have friends who are delusional about their cheating husbands. I have friends in horrible marriages who never admit their realities but pretend that everything is wonderful because they are stay at home mom's who are financially dependent on their hubbies.
Very few people will admit when their relationship is struggling. You are strong to admit this. You are strong enough to tell him it's bothering you.
Also, it sounds like everyone is condemning your hubby, but as a strong woman, I doubt that he treats you disrespectfully in other ways, bc something tells me you wouldn't put up with that.
To answer your original question, my hubby doesn't shower me with compliments, but he does the house cleaning bc he knows I hate it...he does my laundry bc I hate going to the basement...he packs my lunch...and we have a great intimate life after 10 years of marriage. He doesn't need to shower me with compliments when he shows me love every day. And if he ever does say a comment like that, I will cut him some slack because maybe, just maybe, it is coming from a place of love. After all, I don't think there is a nice way to tell someone to watch their weight.

Nala, I like your post. I think you have some valid points about the reality of marriage. People, I know all of you are trying to watch out for your friend but maybe we should try to help them solve this resentment issue in their marriage. I feel like post like these are may make someone feel like everyone's marriages are all sunshine and rainbows and she is the only one stuck with a disrespectful partner.

Jaysonsmom, I think you need to speak up with your husband about the way his words make you feel. Do not bury your frustration and anger inside - these are the killers of marriages. I believe you feel somehow disconnected but he's your husband of 14 years, how bad could it be? You have two kids, you obviously loved this man in some part of your life. Don't let unresolved issues take all those happy times away. Ok he hurt you with his comments but divorce is an extreme measure for what he did. Do you also have a problem about you being the main breadwinner? Listen to your heart and bring up the issues to your husband, try to solve them together. You need to sincerely open your feelings to him and try to be patient and listen to his explanations. My husband is a great husband and father, so responsible but every once in a while he makes me question why ever I married him in the first place. I let both of us sleep on it and speak to him later about how he broke my heart with a calm and loving way. When he speaks I try to understand his reasoning about the way he acted. Maybe he felt defensive, maybe he was overtired. What do you know, I may be just as much or more guilty than him! My point is we all have bad times. We just need to figure how to make things work if we're in it for the long run. We here have a saying, if you are alive there is still hope. Please don't give up on your husband, family is the best thing in this world.

Lastly, are you happy with the way you look? 10 pounds is nothing, NOTHING in my opinion but how do YOU feel about yourself? Would you be completely happy about your appearance if it weren't for him? If you say yes, more power to you! But if it makes you feel bad and hurts your self esteem do something for yourself.

I'm another ditto ... and realized I never answered the question myself. So, on this end ... my husband is a very stereotypical man when it comes to verbal displays of emotion/admiration. He will tell me I look hot in (or out) of something, but he's not sitting there gazing at me adoringly and composing odes to the blue of my eyes ... and he used to have a nasty habit of telling me right as we were about to leave that an outfit wasn't necessarily all that flattering.

So, we had talks - and fights - about it, and now he tries to average one non-sexual compliment (even a "you look nice") to every couple of, uh, goal-oriented ones. (As an aside, I think that for a lot of men, the fact of having, or even wanting to have, sex regularly is the compliment, and I'm basing this as much on my conversations with platonic male friends as any relationship I've ever been in ... if I had a dime for every time a guy said, "Wait, how can she feel fat, I'm always coming on to her!!!" as if they're stochastic variables, I would be a rich, rich woman.) And I declared a moratorium on any negative feedback as I'm getting ready: if I think it looks good, and I'm going to be late if I start to dither, just let it go. Tell me later that it's a pretty dress but it'd be more flattering if I had it taken up three inches/dyed another color/burnt and replaced.

Basically, we have different styles, but the important thing is that eventually after a lot of effort on my part to communicate it, he realized he was occasionally unintentionally making me feel bad, and made a commensurate effort to stop. JM, does your husband know he's hurting your feelings? Have you guys talked about this?

 

[iLander]

I guess this is a sequel to the threads about being saitisfied about one's own appearance....

I'll start. You know that saying that no matter how good-looking someone is, there's always someone who is tired of him/her?
That pretty much sums up how dh feels about me IMO. He doesn't make me feel attractive or sexy, or pretty. My never tells me I'm beautiful, and he makes fun of my double chin (during times of the month), or my love handles, and last week he slapped my hand away from his plate and told me to stop eating because I was getting "chubby". I'm still fuming from this comment! I've gained 10 lbs since our wedding day 14 years ago and 2 kids later!

Is this a new thing from him? Has he suddenly started mentioning this?

Because if this is new, he may be comparing you to someone else. Either consciously or subconsciously. Which is not good and could be an indicator of something else going on. . .

I'm not trying to be cruel, but I think you should start checking out who he's been hanging out with lately.

And I would open a serious discussion with him about what is going on in his head.

You are to be commended on being in such great shape! After 2 kids too! Wow! He's full of crap.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I guess this is a sequel to the threads about being saitisfied about one's own appearance....

I'll start. You know that saying that no matter how good-looking someone is, there's always someone who is tired of him/her?
That pretty much sums up how dh feels about me IMO. He doesn't make me feel attractive or sexy, or pretty. My never tells me I'm beautiful, and he makes fun of my double chin (during times of the month), or my love handles, and last week he slapped my hand away from his plate and told me to stop eating because I was getting "chubby". I'm still fuming from this comment! I've gained 10 lbs since our wedding day 14 years ago and 2 kids later!

Wow, TBH your husband sounds like an a**hole. Please don't listen to what he's saying and stand up to him. He has no business talking to you that way and TBH, it reflects how he feels about himself. Have you told him how you feel when he says that stuff? You can't change people, but you can tell them what you need to feel fulfilled in a relationship and then give them a chance to do it. That's healthy communication. But only you know when you're not getting what you need and you hit your breaking point.

My husband isn't one for showering me with compliments in general. I don't know why. I think he's told me I was beautiful maybe once in our relationship and it was while we were dating and at that moment on the couch messing around. I think I had just taken off my shirt. LOL. He's more likely to comment on a dress being sexy, or will comment to DS like "Doesn't mommy look pretty today?" but never beautiful, not since that one time on the couch. Does it bother me? Yes. But TBH I'm confident in my looks, I know I'm attractive and that's enough for me most of the time. I've put on about 25lbs since we started dating. We met at the tail end of a really bad time in my life and admittedly I wasn't taking care of myself. He's actually made comments about how he didn't realize it at the time, but I really did look unwell, like sick, ED skinny when we met. Then about a month ago he made a comment about how we need to go on a diet together so I can have a "buddy" to help. He totally got the side eye from me for that one, but honestly he has 20-30lbs to lose as well, and he admits to it, so I'm ok with us doing it together. He would never outright tell me he thinks I'm fat, he's not stupid and TBH he values his balls too much.

It's not that I think he doesn't find me attractive, I just don't think he's the type to comment on it in general, with anyone. I would LOVE it if he did. Like you it makes me feel desirable and supports the idea of him wanting me in his life and being proud of having me by his side. But he's not (not) doing it to be unkind or because he doesn't feel that way, it's just not in his nature I guess; like someone who isn't good with affection. So I look to myself or other things to derive my self esteem from.

The flip side is that my ex husband constantly told me I was beautiful and made me feel desirable, but at the same time was sleeping with multiple other women. So maybe we just can't win, lol.

 

[purplesparklies]

I could not read this and not comment. To be honest, that sounds like a total load of crap. No one's marriage is perfect but respect in my marriage is non-negotiable. Respect in every form. His comments are disrespectful and that would not fly in my house. Period. Not only for my own sake, but also because I would not raise children in an environment in which their example of a relationship was so unhealthy. My goal is to show my children a real relationship in all it's struggles and glory but one in which respect and love is always evident. I want them to expect the same someday. Less would never be good enough for my kids and I can't expect them to require better treatment for themselves than they see me accept for myself.

My husband has never made a comment when I am overweight. We have been together since I was a fit, 15 year-old athlete. Some gain the freshman 15. I gained probably 60 lbs. by the time I graduated with my bachelor's degree. We married the weekend after I graduated. I was certainly quite overweight. I went on to gain another 50 or so lbs. in the subsequent 14 years, two children and various health problems. In 2012, I lost just over 100 lbs. I found a Dr. who listened and treated me correctly and I worked my a$$ off. I went on to lose another 15 or so in early 2013. I still was not at my goal weight but I was relatively fit. Unfortunately, I have gained back about 30lbs.

My parents commented frequently. My mother would buy every pill, powder, diet supplement she could find and mailed them to me. I tossed them all. My husband never commented. He has literally loved me through thick and thin. I will acknowledge that he prefers my current size range as I can tell by his behavior in subtle ways. He did comment when I was at my lowest weight in early 2013 but he was growing concerned that I would not stop trying to lose. He felt like I was becoming a bit obsessive and I probably was. I exercised every day, including Christmas Day. I counted every calorie. He became concerned and I took a break to gain some perspective. Gained the 30 back but have held steady for a few months and am starting to try to lose again in a more moderate way.

I share my story because obviously I have gone through some serious physical changes. My body was not/is not anywhere near as it was when he was initially attracted. Many may say these changes would warrant comment, whether under the guise of concern for my health or simply because my larger body may be perceived as less attractive. I am blessed to have a husband who is in love with me as a whole person. I love him the same way. He is definitely not physically that 16 year old boy with whom I fell in love. He has gained and lost weight, as well. Certainly not to the same extreme degree. That boy was my best friend and he still is. He would say the same about me. It has not been an easy 23 years. We have experienced struggles and loss. Our relationship has gone through many seasons. There has been one constant. Love and respect always.

I wish you well and I hope that you will require the level of treatment for yourself that you would wish for your loved ones.

 

[iLander]

I share my story because obviously I have gone through some serious physical changes. My body was not/is not anywhere near as it was when he was initially attracted. Many may say these changes would warrant comment, whether under the guise of concern for my health or simply because my larger body may be perceived as less attractive. I am blessed to have a husband who is in love with me as a whole person. I love him the same way. He is definitely not physically that 16 year old boy with whom I fell in love. He has gained and lost weight, as well. Certainly not to the same extreme degree. That boy was my best friend and he still is. He would say the same about me. It has not been an easy 23 years. We have experienced struggles and loss. Our relationship has gone through many seasons. There has been one constant. Love and respect always.

I wish you well and I hope that you will require the level of treatment for yourself that you would wish for your loved ones.

I think purplesparklies has made an important point; serious physical changes happen throughout life. When you marry, you marry for life. At least that's the general idea.

And life can be cruel. Physical changes could be VERY serious: loss of a limb, paralysis, debilitating illness. If a few pounds is enough to prompt an issue in a marriage, what happens if something more serious happens?

I'm NOT saying a gentle talk about healthy weight is bad, but unkind remarks would make me wonder about who's going to truly be there for me in the future . . . when the better turns to worse . . .

 

[jaysonsmom]

Nala, and MrsAkin (and everyone else) I really appreciate your perspectives, and I have read everyone's responses, but do not have time to respond to each person individually. but to summarize: although I'm the main breadwinner, dh does have a job that contributes to 1/3 of our household income, and he has a flexible job that allows him to work from home and be a great dad. He is there for all of my kids activities and he does the majority of the household chores. Also, the fact that he never compliments me is not totally accurate, someones I get funny B-day cards or Mother's Day cards addressed to "My hot wife". He just isn't the complimenting type!

I guess some of the comments he makes is a subconscious way for me to feel unattractive so that I would not leave, because I personally do feel that "I have the upper hand" in the relationship and he feels threatened. All of you stated that I should confront him about how his comments make me feel, and believe me, I do! In fact the very next day after he make the comment about me getting chubby, I text him to tell him a gentleman at the gym told me I was in great shape! What an ego boost for me and slap in my hubby's face. He immediately text an apology back.

I do feel that my husband and the guys (brothers and cousins) in my family are all somewhat weight obsessed....none of their wives weighs over 110lbs height range 5'2-5'5. I'm taller at 5'7, and would NEVER let any of them know my weight, because >130 is considered heavy for them.

Anyhoo, I didn't want this thread to be about me, please post away about your SO's....hope they make you feel sexy, confident, and pretty

 

[LLJsmom]

I do feel that my husband and the guys (brothers and cousins) in my family are all somewhat weight obsessed....none of their wives weighs over 110lbs height range 5'2-5'5. I'm taller at 5'7, and would NEVER let any of them know my weight, because >130 is considered heavy for them.

Anyhoo, I didn't want this thread to be about me, please post away about your SO's....hope they make you feel sexy, confident, and pretty

Hi Jaysonsmom, I have read that 5 pounds for every inch you are over 5 feet is the minimum you should weigh. If you're 5'7, you should weigh at least 135 pounds (just based on what I've read. I know. Muscle weighs more, etc. It doesn't encompass every situation.). If you're under 135, I would consider you underweight. (no judgement!!) However, if you weighed 110 at 5'7, I might be a little worried. So bottom line, 130 is NOT heavy for your height.

And I should say that I am glad he realizes that what he said was inappropriate. Nice for him to know that other men find you quite attractive.

 

[rosetta]

That's body fascism jaysonsmom! You're definitely not overweight. I'd be very put off any man who was so obsessed with appearances as that. Urgh. I'm sorry but your husband's attitude stinks. He needs to rethink his life philosophy.

I've gained plenty since my wedding, am trying to lose some now. My husband knows better than to utter a peep. He's still busy trying to get in my pants no matter what I weigh, crazy man.

 

[kenny]

We're both butt-ugly, but we have great inner beauty.

The perfect couple.

I believe the perfect couple & inner beauty parts, but not the other part.

Well, actually, some butts are rather attractive.

 

[MarionC]

We're both butt-ugly, but we have great inner beauty.

The perfect couple.

I believe the perfect couple & inner beauty parts, but not the other part.

Well, actually, some butts are rather attractive.

I'll have to admit, I've always had a thing for your Asscher

 

[GliderPoss]

I feel very lucky, whilst hubby isn't the gushy type about my appearance - he'll just quietly, randomly tell me I look beautiful today. I'm roughly the same weight (+/- 5kg) as we were when we met 10 years ago so I think it's not really an issue about weight - he will only comment about food in a health-related way. He is quite health conscious himself (lost 30kgs!) so I assume it's a natural offshoot of that and tend not to be offended by it. He can be quite critical about clothing but very rarely and again, its more about the clothing piece in general than my body. We probably dont really discuss appearance so much but tell each other we love them multiple times a day. I like to think that marriage should be though "thick & thin" so to speak...

 

[ringbling17]

My husband never tells me anything bad about my appearance. He always says that I am beautiful, pretty, etc. He never tells me to stop eating or that I am gaining weight or that I look fat. Even when I gained 20 lbs. when we first moved to NJ two years ago.

He does encourage me to work out, but it's not as a criticism, it's more so that I can be healthy, at least that's what I think.

He just doesn't touch me, lol!

 

[TooPatient]

He doesn't say anything positive or negative. The closest he's come is commenting on my breakfast one day and then realizing I had a flu and was eating whatever my stomach could keep down.

I don't think he is much happier with my appearance than I am. I've gained over 60 pounds... Closer to 70. My rosacea is much more under control and I know he's happy about that.

We used to be rather... Active
Multiple times a day much of the time, but almost always at least once per day.
Now?
Maybe once per week. Often less.

We talk when I get frustrated (usually when it has been a month or more) and he'll be attentive and even give me random hugs/kisses during the day for a couple of weeks and then drift back into the old non-touching.