What is the ideal age to get engaged?

[CNOS128]

Date: 12/18/2008 3:02:32 PM
Author: musey

Just because I (as in, who I am as a person) haven''t changed very much in the past few years doesn''t mean I think I never will. I''m absolutely sure I''ll change--quite a lot actually--with many years and events. Especially having children, I''m sure that will change me, but I don''t think I should (have) wait(ed) to get engaged/married until I have children

Oh, I hope you didn''t take my post to mean that I thought people should wait until they want to have children to get engaged! Because that''s certainly not what I intended. I just meant that a lot of people don''t feel the need to get engaged/married until they want children. (I know you were responding to lala, but in light of what you wrote I re-read my post and thought it could be easily misinterpreted...)

 

[onedrop]

For me there was never a set age where I *needed* to be married. I didn''t get engaged until I was 35, and thinking back, I realize that was the perfect time for me. I cannot fathom getting married any earlier than I did, because I''d have missed out on all of the varied experiences I had prior to engagement/marriage and I also think I am better mate to my husband at this age.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/18/2008 3:28:21 PM
Author: TheBigT

Date: 12/18/2008 3:02:32 PM
Author: musey
Just because I (as in, who I am as a person) haven't changed very much in the past few years doesn't mean I think I never will. I'm absolutely sure I'll change--quite a lot actually--with many years and events. Especially having children, I'm sure that will change me, but I don't think I should (have) wait(ed) to get engaged/married until I have children

Oh, I hope you didn't take my post to mean that I thought people should wait until they want to have children to get engaged! Because that's certainly not what I intended. I just meant that a lot of people don't feel the need to get engaged/married until they want children. (I know you were responding to lala, but in light of what you wrote I re-read my post and thought it could be easily misinterpreted...)

T, that was in no way directed to you, or lala for that matter--I was just pointing out a big life-changer that most people prefer to be married for. I think there's a bit of irony in the logic that one should wait until they've "stopped changing" (or even "slowed changing"), because one never knows what will change them and when. I don't personally believe that marriage, or relationships in general, are all about finding someone who's perfectly compatible with you just as you are right this second. It's simply impossible.

My points are simply that:
1) one should not wait just for the sake of waiting, because you will "miss out" on things no matter what. While you're "missing out" on the single life, you're building a strong relationship/marriage/family. While you're "missing out" on being a bride/wife/mom/etc., you're gaining experiences as a single that a married lifestyle would prevent you from having.

I'm certainly missing out on the "single girl" lifestyle right now. If I weren't married, I could be going out with girlfriends, dating around, building my career free from any influence but my own mind. But would I rather have that lifestlye than have my husband, our lifestyle, our wonderful "child" (dog)? Absolutely not. Because that's what's right for me and my life, and even though I never dreamed I'd be married before 35 (seriously), here I am. I wouldn't trade it for the alternative, because I love who and and where I am, and who I'm with. However, if I'd never or not yet met my husband, not gotten married, I'm sure I'd be glad that I was a single 20-something living that lifestyle.

Point being that people will be "glad" that they made whatever choice(s) they made, almost no matter what. They'll think that it was the best possible course, because it's landed them where they are. I don't think that any of it truly matters, because though your life would be different had you made different choices at different times, chances are you'll be happy (and pursuing happiness) if for no other reason than that you don't know any better. I know I don't know any better. And that's okay. My life is my life and it's the only one I get, so I'm playing it out the way that makes me happiest.

...and 2) that people will always change. That never stops. The idea is to find someone that you can change and grow closer with, rather than apart.

 

[lala2332]

I didn't mean that you stopped evolving as a person. It was just something that I read in my research. Can't find it now of course....It is a biological thing. I didn't pay much attention to the 25 part, more the 18 part b/c I was researching the death penalty and juveniles, so I was looking at culpability. Here is an article I found doing a quick google search:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A52687-2005Jan31.html

and here is a paper similar to mine:


http://www.scribd.com/doc/2169002/Brain-Development-Culpability-and-the-Death-Penalty-by-the-International-Justice-Project

And I remember another article I read that talked about how using functional MRI's that an adolscent's brain uses different parts than an adult brain to answer the same question, so yeah there is a difference and at some point it changes from adolescent to adult and doesn't switch back, so in that way you don't change again.

Also, I didn't mean that you should wait until then. Just a theory that your decision may be different after that developmental mark.

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 12/18/2008 4:05:10 PM
Author: musey


T, that was in no way directed to you, or lala for that matter--I was just pointing out a big life-changer that most people prefer to be married for. I think there''s a bit of irony in the logic that one should wait until they''ve ''stopped changing'' (or even ''slowed changing''), because one never knows what will change them and when. I don''t personally believe that marriage, or relationships in general, are all about finding someone who''s perfectly compatible with you just as you are right this second. It''s simply impossible.

mmkay, good! I''ve been around PS long enough to know that things I say aren''t always as clear to other people as they are in my head. Things in "real" life either, for that matter...

I''ve heard of the brain being less "elastic" after age 25; that''s what I blame for law school being so hard for me!

But I though that only really related to learning, not personality. Oh well... I find it interesting, because
both of my parents went back to school when they were 50+ to pursue additional post-grad degrees. Think I come from extraordinary genetic stock??

 

[musey]

Lala, you don't have to defend yourself, I was just using your post as a launching point (sorry, I do that a lot) for something I found interesting/relevant. I was responding more to the "Just wait until you're 25" element. People tell you all the time that "You will change SO MUCH through ages ______ to ______ so don't settle down, or you'll regret it once you've become 'who you really are'". I think most people who say that are projecting, because the ages they quote always vary and it, for the most part, has certainly not applied to me and my life (so far).

I was told constantly during high school and early college not to date seriously until I'd been out of college for a couple of years, because you change too much to be able to find someone during that time that you'll still be happy with in 10, 20, 50 years. Well, I went against that advice. I met my husband when we were both 19. We got serious very quickly. I changed a LOT within the first year that we met, and it only brought us closer. He changed a LOT during the year following our college graduation (we were also engaged for the second half of that year), and it really, really changed our relationship. It's better now, stronger.

So all I'm saying, I suppose, is that different people change to different degrees at different points in their life... and it doesn't have to mean that you won't be able to build a compatible relationship without having those "changes" already under your belt. One can be glad that they waited until they'd gone through specific things, but it doesn't mean you need to go through specific things first. It can be done together.


I'm undoubtedly basing a large part of this outlook on my own experience. In my extended family, the couples who are still happily married are the ones who married when they were young (18-25). That doesn't mean that people over that age cannot have long-term happy marriages because quite obviously they can (I cannot restate this firmly enough, just talking about the young ones to make a point) but what I take away from these people is that they married when many of their big life changes were still ahead of them, and went through them together... hence effectively changing and molding each other to make their relationship work. Their marriage taught them to grow and change alongside someone else from a (comparatively) early age. Yes it means that they're likely different than they would have been as a single, but that's true of everything you do in your life. Everything would always be different in some way if you didn't make X, Y or Z decision exactly the way you did.

I think it simply doesn't matter.

 

[lala2332]

Date: 12/18/2008 4:19:46 PM
Author: TheBigT

Date: 12/18/2008 4:05:10 PM
Author: musey


T, that was in no way directed to you, or lala for that matter--I was just pointing out a big life-changer that most people prefer to be married for. I think there''s a bit of irony in the logic that one should wait until they''ve ''stopped changing'' (or even ''slowed changing''), because one never knows what will change them and when. I don''t personally believe that marriage, or relationships in general, are all about finding someone who''s perfectly compatible with you just as you are right this second. It''s simply impossible.

mmkay, good! I''ve been around PS long enough to know that things I say aren''t always as clear to other people as they are in my head. Things in ''real'' life either, for that matter...

I''ve heard of the brain being less ''elastic'' after age 25; that''s what I blame for law school being so hard for me!

But I though that only really related to learning, not personality. Oh well... I find it interesting, because
both of my parents went back to school when they were 50+ to pursue additional post-grad degrees. Think I come from extraordinary genetic stock??

haha..yes!

I went back to law school after taking two years off and wow that first semester about killed me..though I think it about kills everyone!

Congrats on law school, in in there with you! Starting my last semester in January!!!!

I have no idea if it has to do with personality or just learning/culpability.

It is interesting that so many people say wait till 25, without knowning the "science." (I certainly don''t know it!) And yet there is some sort of change around then.

Musey, wasn''t getting defensive, just trying to clarify where I came up with my hypo and that I agree that you just because there is a change doesn;t mean you should wait. It is different for everyone and there is no magic number that works for everyone. I never thought I would even want to get married, and here I am suffering from LIWitis! so goes to show how much I know.

 

[absolut_blonde]

For ME, I think 25 would (will?) be ideal.

Everything is falling into place-- our finances should stabilize over the next year, I have a good job, SO is advancing in his educatin/career, I''m more stable, our relationship is pretty solid (recent posted about issues aside) etc.

But a lot of it is a function of finding the right one, too. If I didn''t have SO right now, I would probably be very career-focused and not necessarily looking to settle down as soon.

 

[ringless]

Musey it seems you have a pretty strong opinion on this subject, and you are entitled to that, please don't feel we are disagreeing with you for the sake of disagreeing, we are just stating our opinons too.
We should try to keep things light and fun...

 

[musey]

Date: 12/18/2008 4:44:29 PM
Author: ringless
Musey it seems you have a pretty strong opinion on this subject, and you are entitled to that, please don't feel we are disagreeing with you for the sake of disagreeing, we are just stating our opinons too.

We should try to keep things light and fun...

I was just getting philosophical on you all, I wasn't trying to make things "heavy," I'm unsure how my posts could come across that way. Just because I get verbose doesn't mean I'm being argumentative--not every thread has to be a non-interactive statement of ideas in order to be fun, in fact I think it's more interesting when people talk about why they think the way they do, instead of just saying what they think. I care little about peoples' opinions, but a great deal about their thought processes.

My strong opinion is only that whatever age you are, it really doesn't matter, getting engaged/married (or not) is about the needs and plans of the people involved, not the exact chronological order of events in your life, and that people will feel happy with the way they approached that life change almost no matter what. Weird to say that someone has a strong opinion about something not mattering!

I also didn't realize that anyone was specifically disagreeing with me (much less for the sake of disagreeing)...? I thought people were just sharing their ideas, though most more succinct than mine. ETA: I went back and re-read everything and I still don't see disagreements?

<--very confused

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 12/18/2008 4:56:20 PM
Author: musey


My strong opinion is only that whatever age you are, it really doesn''t matter, getting engaged/married (or not) is about the needs and plans of the people involved, not the exact chronological order of events in your life, and that people will feel happy with the way they approached that life change almost no matter what.

I ditto this statement.

There were a lot of "changes" in our lives where we could have gotten engaged. When I went from 19 to 20; when I turned 21 and went through a serious situation in my family and he was there for me; at 22 when I graduated college; 24 when I finished my Masters; 25 when we moved in.

But the proposal came on a random Thursday at the random age of 26 when I had absolutely nothing going on but work, eat, and sleep.

It''s not an age that defines when you''ll be able to share your life with someone. It''s up to the person.

And as with everything in life, there are personal preferences. I don''t think anyone under the age of 20 should be getting married. That''s a personal preference that really has nothing to do with any scientific research or anything like that.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/18/2008 5:40:30 PM
Author: fieryred33143
And as with everything in life, there are personal preferences. I don't think anyone under the age of 20 should be getting married. That's a personal preference that really has nothing to do with any scientific research or anything like that.

I've somehow picked the same arbitrary age (20) as a "minimum." But I also believe that everyone should do all that they can to achieve the best (most) education they can for their chosen career path, and for most people that means college if at all possible. That combined with knowing that I would want to be done (or almost done) with college before marrying probably plays into that 20 mark for me.

Then again, there are particular lines of work (the military being one of them) which lend themselves to young(er) marriage. I wouldn't even begin to have an opinion on that section of people, because their lifestyle, and often goals and ideals, are just too different from my own for me to have an understanding of them and why they marry at a very young age (for me this is under 20).

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 12/18/2008 1:09:32 PM
Author: TheBigT
Well, I got engaged at 28, and everything I do is absolutely perfect - so 28 it is!

Yeah, like I said...FF said "28 sounds like a good age" but I think he said this because he read that people are mature enough and know what they want out of life, things are more stable...etc. So I think that is where he got this number from. We shall find out if he still thinks that when we are 28! I turn 28 in July, him in September...

 

[Tuckins1]

Whenever the man of your dreams asks!!!

 

[kittybean]

24.5, of course, since that''s when I got engaged

. Just kidding!

More seriously, the reason I feel like my timeline was perfect is that I believe it was perfect for me and for my relationship. FI and I were both at a point in our lives where we were ready to make the commitment to be married, and we couldn''t be happier.

I don''t feel I was ready at 21 (when my college boyfriend wanted to propose), but I think that feeling was more associated with the fact that he was not right for me, and I knew it. Also, at the time, I was in the middle of figuring out what on earth I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to go, and how everything might fit together.

Like others have said, I don''t think there is an ideal age. I think it has much more to do with whether the relationship and timing are right for the two people at that moment.

 

[kimmels]

I never wanted to be engaged until I met my current bf of 3 years. I lived with someone else for four years in my early twenties and I had also had other shorter relationships - and I wanted a longterm commitment, but I honestly didn''t see the point of getting married - and I never wanted kids, either. I was afraid of being tied down and losing myself in someone else - but now I want to get married very much. I think it''s mostly that I found the right guy - but I also think it''s because I feel secure enough in myself now in my early 30s that I don''t think I will lose any of my own identity in getting married. So for me, I think the right age, or stage of life, is when you are confident and prepared to be your own person and are not counting on anyone to "complete" you - but instead, you are looking at that other person and thinking about how you enhance each other.
My guy is 25 - and I think he feels the same way - but what can I say, he''s more mature for his age then I am

 

[Dandi]

Date: 12/18/2008 12:58:50 PM
Author: musey
Never occurred to me to think of such a thing.

What happens when you''re 22 and with the absolute love of your life, but you always intended to get married at 28? I''ve never believed in waiting just for the sake of waiting. If there are other factors, sure, wait... but just because life isn''t lining up with the timeline you dreamed up? No point, IMO.

Re: being glad to have had single time to one''s self... I think that most people will be ''glad'' they had/did X, Y and Z no matter what that is (within reason, of course). If you''d gotten married at 22 and had a child at 26, provided that you''re happy now, you''d probably be ''glad'' you did what you did when you did. That doesn''t mean what one does or doesn''t do is the ''right'' or ''better'' way to do it, it just means that that''s what put you where you are now--so of course it''s something to be ''glad'' about.

It''s not like you''re going to look back on your single life over the past however many years and say ''gee, I wish I''d been married all this time, I''d be a much better/happier person for it.''

Same here, musey. Career wise and mortgage wise I thought about age 25 for me (32 for DH) would be about right for us. Turns out we got engaged when I was 22, and married when 25. Things just worked out well for us more rapidly than we''d anticipated. No probs!

The time is right when the time is right.

 

[ringless]

Date: 12/18/2008 4:56:20 PM
Author: musey

Date: 12/18/2008 4:44:29 PM
Author: ringless
Musey it seems you have a pretty strong opinion on this subject, and you are entitled to that, please don't feel we are disagreeing with you for the sake of disagreeing, we are just stating our opinons too.

We should try to keep things light and fun...

I was just getting philosophical on you all, I wasn't trying to make things 'heavy,' I'm unsure how my posts could come across that way. Just because I get verbose doesn't mean I'm being argumentative--not every thread has to be a non-interactive statement of ideas in order to be fun, in fact I think it's more interesting when people talk about why they think the way they do, instead of just saying what they think. I care little about peoples' opinions, but a great deal about their thought processes.

My strong opinion is only that whatever age you are, it really doesn't matter, getting engaged/married (or not) is about the needs and plans of the people involved, not the exact chronological order of events in your life, and that people will feel happy with the way they approached that life change almost no matter what. Weird to say that someone has a strong opinion about something not mattering!

I also didn't realize that anyone was specifically disagreeing with me (much less for the sake of disagreeing)...? I thought people were just sharing their ideas, though most more succinct than mine. ETA: I went back and re-read everything and I still don't see disagreements?

<--very confused

Okie dokie..sorry if I caused any confusion. I am not going to argue so i'll politely end my part here

 

[elrohwen]

For whatever reason I thought I would get married at age 25. I think it was probably because I heard once that 25 was the national average (that was at least 10 years ago). Turns out I will be getting married at 25! I got engaged at 24 which I think was a good age, but it really depends more on where you are in life. If I was 24 and still in college, that would be too early. But FI and I had been out of school for a few years at that point, so it felt right.

I think there''s a lot to be said for getting engaged/married a little bit later, but in my case I''m really glad that we''re young enough that we''ll have a long time together before having kids. If we met and married in our early 30s, I think there would be an immediate pressure to have kids and, for me personally, I don''t think I''d like that. Then again, I can''t know that without actually being in that position.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/19/2008 6:30:31 AM
Author: DandiAndi

Date: 12/18/2008 12:58:50 PM
Author: musey
Never occurred to me to think of such a thing.

What happens when you''re 22 and with the absolute love of your life, but you always intended to get married at 28? I''ve never believed in waiting just for the sake of waiting. If there are other factors, sure, wait... but just because life isn''t lining up with the timeline you dreamed up? No point, IMO.

Re: being glad to have had single time to one''s self... I think that most people will be ''glad'' they had/did X, Y and Z no matter what that is (within reason, of course). If you''d gotten married at 22 and had a child at 26, provided that you''re happy now, you''d probably be ''glad'' you did what you did when you did. That doesn''t mean what one does or doesn''t do is the ''right'' or ''better'' way to do it, it just means that that''s what put you where you are now--so of course it''s something to be ''glad'' about.

It''s not like you''re going to look back on your single life over the past however many years and say ''gee, I wish I''d been married all this time, I''d be a much better/happier person for it.''

Same here, musey. Career wise and mortgage wise I thought about age 25 for me (32 for DH) would be about right for us. Turns out we got engaged when I was 22, and married when 25. Things just worked out well for us more rapidly than we''d anticipated. No probs!

The time is right when the time is right.

Same with us! I never actively thought about when things would happen, but 10 years ago if you''d told me I''d be married at 24 I''d have laughed in your face. Anything under the age of 30 would have made me scoff, I''m sure. But things just worked out a little sooner. I''m sure I would''ve been happy to marry at 22 or 35, whatever ended up working itself out.

 

[wishinpink]

I think the perfect age is different for everyone of course .

For me... I''m hoping engaged at 23-24, married at 25. We''ll see!

 

[lovebug1031]

haha wow...I''ve always had this "timeline" and its not working out so well, so I''m trying really hard to forego the whole idea of the timeline! I always thought i''d be engaged by the time I was 24 and married at 25...well I''m 25 now and it''s not coming anytime soon. While I am dating an amazing guy and we have talked about marriage I don''t see an engagement before I''m 26 (end of next oct)...I''ve always been scared of being an "old mom" I want/ed to be finished having children by the time I was 30...but you can''t rush life bc you only have one shot!..so you gotta try to do it right (bc there is no perfect) the first time around

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

I always thought 28 was a perfect age, because by then, I''d be out of school, and fairly established in my career, which is very important to me.

Now, though, I''m willing to move that up! (Back when I was thinking 28, I also wasn''t expecting to meet THE ONE so soon!)

As of right now, my perfect age would be 24 or 25 (I''m 22 now). 24 would be great, because I would be out of law school (which seems like a good time to me), but 25 would probably work better because by then, BF and I would have gotten through the first year of work as lawyers together (the hours are insane), I would have made a (hopefully sizeable) dent in my debt, and we would have saved some money for ring and wedding.