What is the most important quality in a friend?

[missy]

I was just reading @Jambalaya 's threads on beauty and how some feel being beautiful can be a disadvantage. And it got me wonderful what do you think is the most important quality in a friend? Not a spouse but a friend.

I am adding a poll but cannot figure out if there is a way to rank the choices. So you can only choose one. But if you care to rank them just add that in comments.

 

[missy]

It's hard to choose just one quality because I feel they are all important to some degree. But if I have to choose one it would be kindness. I asked Greg and he said loyalty.


What is not important (IMO) is appearance. I don't care if you are beautiful on the outside. I only care if you are beautiful on the inside. And truth be told if I find someone who is beautiful on the inside (kind, loving, sweet, nice, compassionate etc) they become beautiful to me appearance wise. Once I get to know a person their inner beauty overtakes all superficial appearances.

 

[ZestfullyBling]

Loyalty
Trustworthiness
Kindness

As long as I know my friend has my back I can deal with the snarky comments.

 

[dk168]

True friends accept and do not judge, IMHO.

DK

 

[chrono]

Trustworthiness/dependability because I feel that seems to cover some of the rest to a certain degree such as honesty, good listener, loyalty and non-judgmental. I think it is a difficult thing to be purely non-judgmental so I don't rank that one too highly.

 

[missy]

Loyalty
Trustworthiness
Kindness

As long as I know my friend has my back I can deal with the snarky comments.

Totally agree with your top three. In fact that is the reason I ended what I thought was a good friendship. I found out she was talking about me behind my back being dishonest about me to another so called "friend". And that other so called friend was always saying she had my back too. Wow. It was the first and hopefully last time I ever experience such a betrayal. I comfort myself with the knowledge that they were never really my friends to begin with...in fact she always said to me I am like a sister to her. Luckily for her she has no sisters because if that is how she treats her "sister friend" I shudder to think how she would treat her sister if she had one. It was a painful but important lesson for me to learn. Not everyone who says they have your back has your back and not everyone is trustworthy.

 

[missy]

Trustworthiness/dependability because I feel that seems to cover some of the rest to a certain degree such as honesty, good listener, loyalty and non-judgmental. I think it is a difficult thing to be purely non-judgmental so I don't rank that one too highly.

I agree, I think it might be impossible to be truly non judgmental but it is a worthy goal to aim for...especially when it comes to our friends.

True friends accept and do not judge, IMHO.

DK

Yes, ideally yes. I accept my friends for who they are and they accept me for who I am...none of us perfect but instead we are all perfectly imperfect and I wouldn't change a thing. How boring if we were all perfect. Or as the kitties say....purrrrrfect.

 

[ZestfullyBling]

Totally agree with your top three. In fact that is the reason I ended what I thought was a good friendship. I found out she was talking about me behind my back being dishonest about me to another so called "friend". And that other so called friend was always saying she had my back too. Wow. It was the first and hopefully last time I ever experience such a betrayal. I comfort myself with the knowledge that they were never really my friends to begin with...in fact she always said to me I am like a sister to her. Luckily for her she has no sisters because if that is how she treats her "sister friend" I shudder to think how she would treat her sister if she had one. It was a painful but important lesson for me to learn. Not everyone who says they have your back has your back and not everyone is trustworthy.

I have been burned a few times... usually because so called "friends" have been jealous of me for one reason or another ( because of my close relationship with DH, my looks, my house,etc.) So philosophy is everyone is 'guilty until proven innocent' its how I protect my heart from pain of being disappointed because I used to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

 

[Petalouda]

Ditto what everyone said plus I highly value the ability of a friend to tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. I’m not always right and can be blinded by bias and though it’s not easy to hear when someone disagrees with my assessment, I always appreciate the honesty.

 

[missy]

Ditto what everyone said plus I highly value the ability of a friend to tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. I’m not always right and can be blinded by bias and though it’s not easy to hear when someone disagrees with my assessment, I always appreciate the honesty.

Yes honesty is a very important quality. And there is a gentle way to deliver constructive criticism so it is easier to hear.

 

[filigreenyc]

This is going to sound insane (and I suppose is mostly covered by 8. Trustworthiness/dependability), but punctuality has been the #1 most important thing to me! Maybe people are more relaxed about showing up on time when it's "just a friend," but people being flakey or late makes me absolutely crazy.

Obviously lots of these (and other) qualities are important, too, but even if someone has all of these good qualities (plus a boat), I will not be their friend long if they don't show up when and where they said they would.

 

[missy]

This is going to sound insane (and I suppose is mostly covered by 8. Trustworthiness/dependability), but punctuality has been the #1 most important thing to me! Maybe people are more relaxed about showing up on time when it's "just a friend," but people being flakey or late makes me absolutely crazy.

Obviously lots of these (and other) qualities are important, too, but even if someone has all of these good qualities (plus a boat), I will not be their friend long if they don't show up when and where they said they would.

Omg no it doesn’t sound insane. I think punctuality is an important trait and shows respect for other’s time. If someone shows up consistently late I know they don’t value me or respect my time. I totally get what you wrote and agree.

 

[Austina]

I’ve said loyalty too, and by that I mean someone who has many of the other qualities you’ve listed @missy, someone who will be an all weather friend, not just a fair weather friend.

 

[Jambalaya]

Definitely 8. I, too, have experienced a particularly horrible friendship betrayal, and it certainly focused my mind on trust. If you don't have trust, you have nothing. Trust is the bedrock of any close relationship. Also, on a less serious level, it's not fun to constantly look forward to plans that you've made and have a friend flake on you. Stuff happens, but I've known some real flakes. No thanks!

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

Hard to explain. My husband, best friend and sister are all EXTREMELY similar.

Reliable, secure, empathetic and extremely stable people. I have a type and I stick to it!!!

 

[lilmosun]

I picked trustworthiness/dependability, the only times I have walked completely away from a close friendship was when they broke my trust.

In hindsight, my definition might not be the same as intended since it is paired with dependability.

I have friends who are well meaning but not dependable. I know this, accept it and work around it (not expecting more).

For me, trust is my ability to rely on someone to not go behind my back for their own benefit or to take advantage of me. That is where I draw the line and will completely severe any relationship/friendship. Fortunately, it has only happened a couple of times in my life.

 

[123ducklings]

I’d say non-judgmental/accepting/open because these qualities seem to be an indicator of other positive qualities: thoughtful, intelligent, kind, empathetic, easygoing, fun to be around. My friendships/acquaintance relationships with people who are always judging others seem to feel more surface-level and often draining. I have deeper and more interesting friendships (which go hand in hand with greater trust, dependability, and loyalty) with people who are generally more accepting and open.

 

[monarch64]

I voted that I would explain in the comments. The most important thing to me in a friend is that he/she/they will recognize when I'm overwhelmed and need a break from attention.

Not everyone is neurotypical and this thread is super indicative that (not you, Missy, you always do a nice job of inclusion) most people don't stop and consider that people aren't necessarily being rude, they're just doing as much as they CAN.

 

[Lisa Loves Shiny]

Loyalty. Loyalty is rewarded with love, disloyalty with distance.

 

[lambskin]

Interesting, so far the top four picks,on the survey are my top four in order too!

 

[Elizabeth35]

I would add forgiveness. Over time--we make mistakes and step on toes. A true friend will forgive a misstep.
And good communication--if something hurts your feelings or makes you angry, discuss it and get over it.

 

[voce]

I think there are too many traits listed, but if I had to pick one, I choose non-judgmental. I think that this trait goes hand in hand with kindness, and I value kindness, but kindness can often be misguided, as can the trait of loyalty, when it's a kind, loyal and judgmental friend. As an example, I have a loyal, kind, but judgmental person in my life who, because she thinks in terms of A must equal B, sometimes acts on my behalf only to piss me off because her good motive leads her to do things the opposite of what I would have wanted.

As for other things such as trustworthiness and reliability, or humor, I would consider those as strengths and weakness of each individual friend. I don't have heart to heart conversations with every person I call a friend, and some friendships that don't run that way serve their own purpose. I learn from people who are different from me, and I don't need every friend in my life to have the same set of qualities.

 

[missy]

I learn from people who are different from me, and I don't need every friend in my life to have the same set of qualities.

Yes, this is so true. Each friendship brings something different to my life and I value each person often for different reasons. Friends add a beauty and fullness to life that words cannot describe.

"The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even touched...they must be felt with the heart." Helen Keller