WHAT is up with FAMILIES lately?!

[Hudson_Hawk]

I hate to say it and I know you don''t want to hear it, but I think, in the spirit of family relations, you''re going to have to let her come. Out of pity more than anything though.

This is clearly FSIL''s fault. I think the big light up/invisible finger is pointing at her as being the one to tell her about the party and feed her lines like "of COURSE you''re coming, you''re family!" when she knows full well that cousin isn''t invited. You also have to consider the cousin''s happiness. It sounds like she is really close with FI and FSIL and is truly looking forward to the trip (she sounds SO much like my FI''s aunt!! OMG!). How will she feel if she finds out she''s not invited? I think she''s going to feel like a fool and be seriously seriously hurt.

I just picture her being all alone on holidays because she has little/no family and feeling like this is just another situation where she''s left out....

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 6/16/2009 4:33:24 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I hate to say it and I know you don't want to hear it, but I think, in the spirit of family relations, you're going to have to let her come. Out of pity more than anything though.

This is clearly FSIL's fault. I think the big light up/invisible finger is pointing at her as being the one to tell her about the party and feed her lines like 'of COURSE you're coming, you're family!' when she knows full well that cousin isn't invited. You also have to consider the cousin's happiness. It sounds like she is really close with FI and FSIL and is truly looking forward to the trip (she sounds SO much like my FI's aunt!! OMG!). How will she feel if she finds out she's not invited? I think she's going to feel like a fool and be seriously seriously hurt.

I just picture her being all alone on holidays because she has little/no family and feeling like this is just another situation where she's left out....

Ok, let me explain a little bit better. It's not that she doesn't have any family. She's married, has two girls that are 20 and 18, a couple of sisters and brothers. We don't see them on holidays. The thing is, FI's mom and her mom were best friends--sisters and best friends--to the point where they were buried together. If FI's aunt were still alive, there is no doubt that SHE would be invited. M still wouldn't be. In fact, FI's mom and aunt were incredibly close with this other lady P (three peas in a pod), and P IS invited because she's the closest thing to his mom he has left. P's son is also invited BUT it's because he and FI were like brothers growing up, and he and I have grown close over the past few years.

So holidays look like this: Me, FI, FSIL, nephews, FSIL's FI, P, P's son and MAYBE FFIL and his wife. So we are very close to P and her son, and not close to M in that way at all. We've been invited to her daughter's high school graduations, but those were both big parties, with dozens of people around.

Maybe it's bridezilla of me, but I really don't want to have this event if she comes. I would honestly rather elope. Every single one of the people who are invited are people who are close to us as a couple if they aren't family. She doesn't fit in. Heck, I didn't even know her husband's name until about a month ago, and we've been together for over three years.

I feel like she's using our wedding as an excuse to go to Vegas. Did I mention she has a gambling problem?

In reality, I don't like feeling used. And that's how I feel right now.

 

[LilyKat]

I was actually totally serious with the letter

But then, I''ve never had a problem saying no to people. Call me the anti-people pleaser.

You are doing NOTHING wrong. It is a private ceremony with perfectly reasonable criteria for invitation. Even your own brothers haven''t made the cut, so why on earth should a random cousin? If FSIL doesn''t like it and wants to boycott, it''s her loss.

It''ll be a good life lesson for your cousin to learn that you''re not invited unless you get an invitation. Just make sure you make it clear to her asap so she stops with the crazy wedding fund.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Liz, after reading your latest post I change my response. Don''t invite her, especially if you think she''s using it as a reason to go to vegas. Seriously though, is her name Donna? She really could be FI''s aunt! LOL

 

[FrekeChild]

LMAO LK and HH! It''s been this huge comedy of errors. I mentioned this today to my dad and he said, "Um, tell her if your brothers aren''t invited, she definitely isn''t."

...sigh...

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 6/16/2009 5:18:25 PM
Author: FrekeChild
LMAO LK and HH! It''s been this huge comedy of errors. I mentioned this today to my dad and he said, ''Um, tell her if your brothers aren''t invited, she definitely isn''t.''

I have to say I agree with Dad.

Freke, I faced a similar issue with my wedding. My family count was mom, dad, sis and bro-in law. Hub''s family count was mom, mom''s bf, sis and bro-in-law, and grandma. Total of 9 family members invited. Our remaining 20 guests were friends/family that we are super close to and have regular contact with.

My aunt (and godmother), my mom''s sister, was super-miffed not to receive an invitation. My 5th wedding anniversary is next month and she *still* hasn''t gotten over it. She tried to pressure my mom into applying pressure on me (which is ridiculous since that''s never worked in the past either - LOL). To my mom''s credit, she said "I''m sorry you''re feeling hurt, but I can assure you that''s not Al''s intention. This is her wedding, her day, and her decision. I''m not going to intercede because it''s not my place; I respect her choices."

Like you, I wanted an *intimate* wedding, and that didn''t mean just small. It meant we specficially wanted to share that day with just those people we are really close to.

Given the chance to do it over again, I''d make exactly the same choice.

I agree with your Dad, but I think it can be done nicely. If this is important to you, it might be best to pick up the phone and reach out to her. Tell her your FSIL made a passing comment mentioning M''s travel plans for the wedding, and this made you realize you should reach out to clear up any miscommunication. Let her know gently that you''ve decided on a bare-essentials elopement instead of a ''wedding'' and that even your own brothers won''t be present for it. Tell her you''ve chosen to have your engagement party serve as the primary family celebration event and you want to be sure she knows so she can change her travel plans according to attend that event instead.

 

[Gypsy]

If you can, I''d reach out to her and just tell her that you have a problem, and can she help you out.

Tell her that weddings, especially small intimate ones, are very difficult to plan as it always seems like someone is going to get hurt for not being invite. Case in point, your brothers are not invited, and while that was a difficult decision to make on your part, you and FI made it. Now however, word has gotten out that she intends to attend, and that''s causing your a lot of familal discord because it is very difficult to explain to your father (who is paying for this thing) why the guest list, (which doesn''t include his son) is now being expanded. So, you would really appreciate it if she understood that while you are both touched that she wants to celebrate with you, you simply cannot expand the guest list at all, and that means to include her. But that you would love to see her soon, and maybe you can all get together after the wedding to look over photos, etc.

Tell her you need her help. It should make it a little easier for her to back out. You know... well, as a favor to the bride, etc.

 

[FrekeChild]

Alj, are you SURE you don't want to call her for me? Because that would be great!!!

ETA: OOooooo Gypsy! That's an idea too. As my dad (and most brides here) have said, "Weddings make people crazy."

 

[Gypsy]

Sometimes if you give people a graceful way to back out and save face... they take it.

Now, I''m not promsing results, but you asked for suggestions and well... it came to mind. Best of luck!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Gypsy, you''ve got a lot of class

 

[House Cat]

Date: 6/16/2009 5:18:25 PM
Author: FrekeChild
LMAO LK and HH! It''s been this huge comedy of errors. I mentioned this today to my dad and he said, ''Um, tell her if your brothers aren''t invited, she definitely isn''t.''

...sigh...

I think this point is hallmark to this entire issue. No brothers, but now you''re being forced to have some distant cousin? No, no, no.

Gypsy has said it best.

You really DO need to let this cousin know that your brothers aren''t attending. I get the feeling this cousin has no idea how intimate your wedding is. I also get the feeling she just wants to get together with family, but that a whole other subject..hmm?

Good luck to you Freke. It''s really terrible that you''re being put in this position.

 

[loriken214]

JUST SAY NO! Nuff said!

I''ll call her for you....she won''t bother you ever again.

Life is too short to put up with crap like this....sorry to be blunt, but that''s the way it is!

Lori

 

[loriken214]

Date: 6/17/2009 12:10:13 AM
Author: Gypsy
If you can, I''d reach out to her and just tell her that you have a problem, and can she help you out.

Tell her that weddings, especially small intimate ones, are very difficult to plan as it always seems like someone is going to get hurt for not being invite. Case in point, your brothers are not invited, and while that was a difficult decision to make on your part, you and FI made it. Now however, word has gotten out that she intends to attend, and that''s causing your a lot of familal discord because it is very difficult to explain to your father (who is paying for this thing) why the guest list, (which doesn''t include his son) is now being expanded. So, you would really appreciate it if she understood that while you are both touched that she wants to celebrate with you, you simply cannot expand the guest list at all, and that means to include her. But that you would love to see her soon, and maybe you can all get together after the wedding to look over photos, etc.

Tell her you need her help. It should make it a little easier for her to back out. You know... well, as a favor to the bride, etc.

This is the way to go, Liz! Gypsy, you''re amazing!

Lori

 

[galvana]

freke, im sorry you are going through this. i have decided that all people suck and i hate everyone. - care to join me on my happy parade? !

 

[Blair138]

Freke-I am really sorry you are going through this. I currently do not have the cajones to tell my cousin (who is a BM) that she needs to stop acting like a freaking baby and act like a mature adult. She is currently complaining because she doesn''t want to come to my bachelorette party, and she will not be attending. She called my mom crying. I understand that she has a one year old, but she also has a husband and as a BM, she should be there. She forgets that when it was her wedding, I did EVERYTHING down to (my mom) buying Dyeables that we never wore again for $75 (for me and my sis along with the dresses) and wearing the nail polish she wanted. She has given me nothing but hell and I have barely made her do anything. Family sucks. I am really sorry-we can comiserate

 

[LilyKat]

Ok, I must concede that Gypsy''s version is definitely better than mine

It''s genius. Go and use it now.

 

[FrekeChild]

I haven''t done anything yet. I am still up in the air, but I have to do SOMETHING.

I don''t think that talking to her is going to work. I''m pretty POed at M and at FSIL, and I don''t want to end up being MEAN (which totally trumps rude IMHO), which, at this point WILL end up happening.

So seeing as how I will have to send her something, I still don''t know what I''m going to do.

(Plus, being UBER-busy with school stuff doesn''t help. Anything.)

 

[princesss]

Send her me. In a box. Like a jack-in-the-box and a singing telegram all in one.

"Freke sent me
just to let you know
you can't begin to see
that it's getting her low

She wanted to be nice
she wanted to be kind
you can't come throw rice
and you've put her in a bind

How should she tell you?
I said I thought I knew:
You can't come to the wedding
Haha, bye!"

ETA: My rhyming sucks and it's maybe the worst poem in the world. So maybe pack a whipped cream pie so I can throw it at her to make my point?

 

[sunnyd]

OMG. Hahahaha that made my day princesss.

 

[KatyWI]

LOL! Princesss, you are a GEM!!!!

I totally wish we could make that happen!

 

[loriken214]

Date: 6/18/2009 5:07:55 PM
Author: princesss
Send her me. In a box. Like a jack-in-the-box and a singing telegram all in one.

''Freke sent me
just to let you know
you can''t begin to see
that it''s getting her low

She wanted to be nice
she wanted to be kind
you can''t come throw rice
and you''ve put her in a bind

How should she tell you?
I said I thought I knew:
You can''t come to the wedding
Haha, bye!''

ETA: My rhyming sucks and it''s maybe the worst poem in the world. So maybe pack a whipped cream pie so I can throw it at her to make my point?

PRICELESS!!!!

Lori