what is your opinion on "breaks"?

[princessplease]

I concur with the ladies here....a break like this sounds like it will eventually lead to a break up. Please don't take this the wrong way, but if your boyfriend has some major issues that he needs to fix (which it sounds like from your post), no timed break from the relationship will help him fix his issues. If his issues are very serious, then he truly may need a lot of alone time to work on them. However, the fact that he won't hang around to work on them together shows me that maybe he's not ready for a serious relationship. You work together to resolve issues that arise in a marriage/LTR, even if they are issues with one person in the relationship. What's going to happen if you marry him? Something goes awry and he leaves for a month? 6 months? I'm in full agreeance with mer's comments. In my experiences, when someone has said they have a lot to work on/a lot to change/need to grow up/ etc, the relationships have ended, and we both went our separate ways. In my one relationship where we broke up similarly and got back together, it lasted a month, and in retrospect, we got back together because it was comfortable. I'm not saying this will happen in your case, but the possiblity is there. ::Hugs::

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 12/4/2009 8:08:00 AM
Author: fsu1227

Date: 12/3/2009 4:48:55 PM
Author: Bleed Burnt Orange
To be blunt and make a long story short... a break = a break up. No need to get back with someone you need to take a break from. There is a reason for the break. If one can''t be with someone and needs breaks, they shouldn''t be with that person ultimatetly.


the end. (p.s. That''s just my opinion.

)

Agreed.

Let''s call a spade a spade...Isn''t a ''break'' really a trial break-up? Testing the waters so to speak of being single, seeing if that is the direction that you want to go in?

I am sure that there are exceptions to the rule, but most often if you need a break from someone that you are considering spending your life with...the relationship will not make it in the long haul.

Personally, I knew my husband was ''the one'' because he is the one man that I dated that I never considered taking a break from. Not that we do not have our disagreements or our bad days but wanting to spend time away from each other would be out of the questions.

Wishing you the best!

I completely agree with the yellow & can sympathize with the orange.

As much as I love my BF, if he asked for a "break" for any reason, I would say no. I would just tell him we need to completely break up. Even though I''m 100% sure he''s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, if I have learned one thing in my life, it''s to not waste time muckin'' around with a man who is not as serious about me as I am him.

Even when my BF is on my nerves, I wouldn''t have my life any other way, I have never felt the need to take a break from him or our relationship. This is it, the real thing. This is the man I''m going to share my life with, and that includes the not-so-pretty stuff too.

We are all going to go through personal growth through the next 50+ years we spend with our partner, but I want him to be next to me for that growth, and I next to him for his growth.

I''m sorry you''re going through this, waitingpatiently, but hopefully this helps you work out the issues in your relationship, whether that means it thrives or not. Please take care of yourself, and keep us updated.

 

[dragonfly411]

I think it depends on the people, and where you are. SO and I took a break when we first met, about 6 months into the relationship. He was younger then, wanted to go party with the guys or whatever.... it took him 2 weeks to realize that he really didn''t feel RIGHT when I wasn''t there. We''ve been back ever since.

 

[cammy85]

Ok. I''m embarrassed to admit this a little bit, but I''m going to throw it out there anyway. I instituted a ''break'' with an old bf simply because it was easier to transition to breakup. I was a coward and I knew he wouldn''t take a ''breakup'' well so I suggessted we take a break and see where we stood afterwards. I knew I wanted to break up, but I was too scared to bite the bullet and do it, so I suggested the break. Worst idea ever. I was totally over him (even before the break - which is a bad thing in itself, but that''s a whole different story) but he had these ideas that we could still get back together, I had given him false hope. It would have been so much easier to just rip off the bandaid and get it over with.

Sorry for the me-centric post, but my opinion of a break is that it''s a breakup, or that even if you get back together, something that is broken in the first place is not magically going to fix itself after a break, and the couple usually ends up breaking up anyway. I used the break as a ''breakup transition'' because I was scared, and it seemed easier at the time.

We also maintained limited contact with each other, which in my opinion didn''t help. It''s really hard to do an instant boyfriend/girlfriend to just friends transition especially when you''re talking.

I commend your boyfriend for wanting to improve himself, but pulling away from the people you care about to do so is a bad idea. In a committed relationship, you do and experience most everything together. You shouldn''t push loved ones away. You should let them help you acheive your goal, whatever it may be.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I started an almost identical thread a little over a year ago. I can''t remember who, but one lovely PSer told me that a break was a hop, skip, and a jump away from a breakup.

She was right. And thank goodness she was, because I finally started to move on from an unhealthy relationship.

Do you really want to be with a man who, when the going gets tough doesn''t stick it out and work on things together... but instead requires space from you? Think about it really hard. It''s not easy and I know how awful you''re feeling right now.

Take this time to work on yourself. I think the best thing you can do is to move forward with the idea that you will not get back together. If in a few weeks from now you two talk again and everything is hunky dory, then great! But if you start to move on now, you''ll be saving yourself time and heartache if the opposite situation pans out.

 

[swimmer]

You will find many threads like OUPears on here.

Lots of LIWs will tell you that a break is "fine, you are looking to grow," and many of them truly believe that because they are going through that themselves...and are hoping that the relationship can be salvaged. The married ladies on here are pretty darn unanimous that a break is a break up. Can anyone imagine marrying a man who is fine with "taking a break" from relationships? I''m not talking about being together constantly, we all need "spaces in our togetherness" as Khalil Gibran said so poetically, but severing a committed relationship is a very serious step.

Like you OP, I was in a relationship with someone from my religious community (friends since age 7, we were perfect "on paper" and for years ending things was unthinkable because of the community), we tried to make it work for many many years. Taking breaks, discussing endlessly, therapy, fun get-aways to "reconnect." But when we finally ended things and I was able to open a new chapter, I met the amazing man who is now my husband. Looking back I wonder why I squandered so much time trying to breathe life into something that was not meant to be; I thought I was in love at the time, but it was nothing compared to being in a relationship that is as natural as breathing. Good luck in either finding a way to exist comfortably in your relationship, or make your peace with starting out anew.

 

[babycush]

Date: 12/4/2009 10:48:35 AM
Author: swimmer
The married ladies on here are pretty darn unanimous that a break is a break up.

I mean no disrespect but just because someone is married, that does not make her an expert on relationships (not that I''m claiming to be one myself). Everyone has different needs and expectations in a relationship.

 

[tlh]

It has been my experience that a break = broken relationship. The only people I personally know IRL who actually married their partner after a break - did so because they couldn''t find anyone else - and were comfortable with each other... but I wouldn''t really call them a happy couple.. or their marriage a success.

However I would say that it isn''t really any better to be miserable w/ someone else, than to suffer the misery of loneliness.

I hope that you and your BF can work through your troubles, and that he can work through his own issues over cheating fears.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 12/3/2009 10:10:38 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/3/2009 9:51:29 PM

Author: szh07

I have to disagree with many of the lovely ladies above. I do not think that a break means a break up. After reading many LIW threads, I think that I take relationships (perhaps life) in a way that is much more relaxed than others.



Relations are beautiful but sometimes hard. Life isn''t a fairytale...things are rarely perfect; no matter how much perspective you get from the ladies on this board, your relationship is always going to be unique and there are always exceptions. I know what I just said was vague; but so is the advice from all of the ladies on this thread (with the exception of a few). They don''t know you, or your SO. In my opinion, posting questions for strangers to answer can be dangerous...there have been so many just on this thread that have dismissed your relationship with a single sentence. Its probably one of many threads they''ve replied to today, they probably read through your post and skimmed through the responses before throwing in their 2 cents. I think that its important that you take this, and the rest of the advice given, as simply their 2 cents. If this guy is the one, then I know you can make it through. A break just might be the kick in the butt you need to get on the right track. Good luck, and best wishes!

What''s funny, is that I think ''you'' are the one that just skimmed through everyone else''s posts. I just read back thru everyone''s replies, and not one person told her to dump this guy and jet.


She asked what people''s feeling were on ''what a break meant'' and everyone replied.


You may have your opinions on whether or not to ask questions on a public forum, but bashing others posts in the process is not the best way to get your point across. Many people on this board do actaully take the time to convey an answer in the nicest way possible while still respecting the poster and her situation. Which I think almost everyone here did.


Many of us replied based on real life experiences and what we have all learned from reading about and living thru successful (AND unsuccessful) relationships, that move on into happy successful marriages. They ALL involve a very open line of communication, which she and her SO do not have right now.


And for clarification, that in just my .02

I did not bash any posters. If anyone has bashed, and singled out a poster, it is you, Meresal. I cannot imagine why you would think so. I never said that anyone told her to "dump this guy and jet." I ONLY said that thoughtful replies, no matter how nice or respectful they may be, are not always applicable, or helpful to the individual posting a question. I stand by my idea that an opinion that a response elicited from a post that is less than 500 words shouldn''t be taken as advice. Are there great perspectives? Sure. Great opinions? Of course. I was simply telling the OP to take these perspectives only as perspectives.

Being in a close knit, like minded community can often have negative effects. DSS...seems to happen more faster as a PS member who looks at 2ct rings SMTR daily. DSS surely happens to non-PS-ers as well, but as PS''ers, we end of being a product of our environment. We solicit the cutter''s we hear about on the CS board, we use diamond vendors that almost everyone else does, go to the same people for custom work...there''s been more than one business that has skyrocketed after breaking through to PS''ers. I wanted to make sure that the OP took these perspectives with a grain of salt, and took perspectives only as perspectives.

 

[zoebartlett]

Szh -- Meresal is a very kind and thoughtful person, and she has been very helpful to others here. I don''t think she was bashing anyone here.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 12/4/2009 6:12:30 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett
Szh -- Meresal is a very kind and thoughtful person, and she has been very helpful to others here. I don''t think she was bashing anyone here.

I realize I am threadjacking, but it was very clear that she singled me out and accused me of "bashing others posts" after I wrote a quite generic statement to the OP...

 

[turboflgrl]

Date: 12/4/2009 7:33:36 PM
Author: szh07

Date: 12/4/2009 6:12:30 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett
Szh -- Meresal is a very kind and thoughtful person, and she has been very helpful to others here. I don''t think she was bashing anyone here.

I realize I am threadjacking, but it was very clear that she singled me out and accused me of ''bashing others posts'' after I wrote a quite generic statement to the OP...

My take is that the OP clearly wanted advice which is why this thread exists. While you may not like or agree with the responses, the responsibility lies with the OP to make her own informed decision. When you said "posting questions for strangers to answer can be dangerous..." ........than that is on the OP. To suggest that the majority of members who responded to her just skimmed through and sugggested that they responded with absolute disregard, ("Its probably one of many threads they''ve replied to today, they probably read through your post and skimmed through the responses before throwing in their 2 cents."), is not only an off the wall assumption but also hurtful and downright rude.

I don''t understand the point of your original post other than giving a passive aggressive insult to other members. And really... if you can''t take it, don''t dish it out.


To the OP - I am of the opinion that breaks are not necessarily break ups but there''s a good chance it will lead to one. My boyfriend is also of that notion. To me, if you can''t work things out as a couple now, how will you do this later? Communication is key and something that should especially be used in this type of situation if anything is to change.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 12/5/2009 1:15:26 AM
Author: turboflgrl

Date: 12/4/2009 7:33:36 PM

Author: szh07

Date: 12/4/2009 6:12:30 PM

Author: ZoeBartlett

Szh -- Meresal is a very kind and thoughtful person, and she has been very helpful to others here. I don''t think she was bashing anyone here.

I realize I am threadjacking, but it was very clear that she singled me out and accused me of ''bashing others posts'' after I wrote a quite generic statement to the OP...

My take is that the OP clearly wanted advice which is why this thread exists. While you may not like or agree with the responses, the responsibility lies with the OP to make her own informed decision. When you said ''posting questions for strangers to answer can be dangerous...'' ........than that is on the OP. To suggest that the majority of members who responded to her just skimmed through and sugggested that they responded with absolute disregard, (''Its probably one of many threads they''ve replied to today, they probably read through your post and skimmed through the responses before throwing in their 2 cents.''), is not only an off the wall assumption but also hurtful and downright rude.


I don''t understand the point of your original post other than giving a passive aggressive insult to other members. And really... if you can''t take it, don''t dish it out.



To the OP - I am of the opinion that breaks are not necessarily break ups but there''s a good chance it will lead to one. My boyfriend is also of that notion. To me, if you can''t work things out as a couple now, how will you do this later? Communication is key and something that should especially be used in this type of situation if anything is to change.

Read my post. I do NOT think the people replied without any regard; I do stand by my statement that one should take caution when taking advice from people that do not know you and only know about your situation from a short statement. I don''t see any aggression in my original post.

 

[FrekeChild]

You know szh, as I have learned, it is often NOT how you perceive your post, but how everyone else perceives your post. I perceived your post the same way these other ladies did. It did come off as being aggressive and uncalled for. TO ME.


OP--for what is worth, I consider breaks to being preludes to break ups as well.

 

[CNOS128]

I don''t think that, categorically, breaks = breakups. BUT, that said, I''ve never known anyone who took a break that did NOT result in a breakup.

 

[dec2410]

thank you all sooo much for being so open and honest with me. this is what i really appreciate about this community, the honesty and the "tough love" when necessary....

so needless to say, the past few weeks have been rough. the emotions are all over the place, and that's realy hard for me cuz i'm normally really steady and calm all the time.

i feel so conflicted. half of me is thinking, i deserve better than this. i deserve a man who will love me just as much as i love them...a man who will be there when its awesome and when its not so awesome...

but the other half of me thinks...he'll come around. he needs my help. i need to be supportive through this...but who am i kidding...he needs to WANT the support. sighhhh.

i've determined that i need to let him go. if he's still wishy washy when i see him tomorrow, i WILL let him go and cut all communication. i can't do this limbo nonsense anymore. he's totally having his cake and eating too. we're "friends". how crazy is that?! ugh. i want to let him go in hopes that we will reconcile in the future, but i know i can't do that to myself.

i need to look out for me. i was talking to a few girlfriends last night and i realized that i had changed so much for this guy. not so drastically that i'm a completely different person, but i was so accomodating to his needs and feeling at a complete disregard of my own. i need to grow a backbone. i need to find myself again.

this is really going to suck. i'm probably going to take a least a few weeks/months away from my church and go to another church nearby (i'm friends with the pastor at this other church). with christmas, new years and our 3-year anniversary (1/2) around the corner, i'm expecting a lot of sadness and anger, but i can do it.

I CAN DO THIS....

sighhh...

 

[princesss]

GOOD FOR YOU!

Honey, you do need to take care of yourself. Screw a guy that needs time to come around if you''re feeling like you''re not getting what you need. Give yourself time to grieve, and when the right guys DOES come along (and he will), you''ll wonder why you spent so much time trying to get this to work.

*big hugs*

 

[sunnyd]

You CAN do it. It will be hard, but lean on the people who love and support you. You will get through this, and you''ll wonder what the heck took you so long to see the light.

Take care.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Sorry you''re going through this. Be kind to yourself. Breakups are still hard even if you know it is for the best.

 

[AllieGator]

WaitingPatiently, I just caught up on this thread, but from your last post, it sounds like you're really thinking about yourself and making some good decisions. Good luck, and stay strong!

 

[vc10um]

Date: 12/7/2009 11:47:18 AM
Author: waitingpatiently
thank you all sooo much for being so open and honest with me. this is what i really appreciate about this community, the honesty and the ''tough love'' when necessary....

so needless to say, the past few weeks have been rough. the emotions are all over the place, and that''s realy hard for me cuz i''m normally really steady and calm all the time.

i feel so conflicted. half of me is thinking, i deserve better than this. i deserve a man who will love me just as much as i love them...a man who will be there when its awesome and when its not so awesome...

but the other half of me thinks...he''ll come around. he needs my help. i need to be supportive through this...but who am i kidding...he needs to WANT the support. sighhhh.

i''ve determined that i need to let him go. if he''s still wishy washy when i see him tomorrow, i WILL let him go and cut all communication. i can''t do this limbo nonsense anymore. he''s totally having his cake and eating too. we''re ''friends''. how crazy is that?! ugh. i want to let him go in hopes that we will reconcile in the future, but i know i can''t do that to myself.

i need to look out for me. i was talking to a few girlfriends last night and i realized that i had changed so much for this guy. not so drastically that i''m a completely different person, but i was so accomodating to his needs and feeling at a complete disregard of my own. i need to grow a backbone. i need to find myself again.

this is really going to suck. i''m probably going to take a least a few weeks/months away from my church and go to another church nearby (i''m friends with the pastor at this other church). with christmas, new years and our 3-year anniversary (1/2) around the corner, i''m expecting a lot of sadness and anger, but i can do it.

I CAN DO THIS....

sighhh...

You''re exactly right. If he doesn''t want help, you can''t stick around to try to give it to him.

Yes, yes you do, and it sounds like you''re doing just that. Good for you, and we''ll be here for support!

Going to a different church sounds like a great idea. It will help you separate your faith from your bf, and it will help to quell your sadness and anger.

Best of luck to you!!! ((HUGS!!!))

 

[meresal]

WP- Thank you for coming back to update. I think putting yourself first is a great idea, and I love the idea of attending a different church. I''m sure it will be hard to cut communication, but there is no way it will be as hard as seeing him and being reminded that "it''s not the same" anymore.

Also, I know that different churches have lots of different bible study classes, and maybe you could find a "20-somethings" (newly graduated/young 20''s) bible study at this new church. I know that quite a few of my friends attend ones at their churches and the group usually goes out for coffee or meets for lunch somewhere once or twice a week. They all really enjoy it.

You CAN do it!

 

[dec2410]

Date: 12/7/2009 3:49:40 PM
Author: meresal
WP- Thank you for coming back to update. I think putting yourself first is a great idea, and I love the idea of attending a different church. I''m sure it will be hard to cut communication, but there is no way it will be as hard as seeing him and being reminded that ''it''s not the same'' anymore.

Also, I know that different churches have lots of different bible study classes, and maybe you could find a ''20-somethings'' (newly graduated/young 20''s) bible study at this new church. I know that quite a few of my friends attend ones at their churches and the group usually goes out for coffee or meets for lunch somewhere once or twice a week. They all really enjoy it.

You CAN do it!

i''m already part of a mid-20s women''s group at my current church. the small group meets at my apartment during the week and i plan to keep attending that (since its at my apartment and all...hehe.) the women of that group have been playing a hugeeee support role through all this and i am sooooo sooooo thankful that i have so many women (physically and virtually

) around to support me.

 

[Laila619]

Date: 12/3/2009 5:23:05 PM
Author: luckynumber
break=break up

that is all.

I have to agree.

I think that when two people are right for each other, they generally shouldn''t ever need to take a ''break.''

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/7/2009 4:09:16 PM
Author: waitingpatiently

Date: 12/7/2009 3:49:40 PM
Author: meresal
WP- Thank you for coming back to update. I think putting yourself first is a great idea, and I love the idea of attending a different church. I''m sure it will be hard to cut communication, but there is no way it will be as hard as seeing him and being reminded that ''it''s not the same'' anymore.

Also, I know that different churches have lots of different bible study classes, and maybe you could find a ''20-somethings'' (newly graduated/young 20''s) bible study at this new church. I know that quite a few of my friends attend ones at their churches and the group usually goes out for coffee or meets for lunch somewhere once or twice a week. They all really enjoy it.

You CAN do it!

i''m already part of a mid-20s women''s group at my current church. the small group meets at my apartment during the week and i plan to keep attending that (since its at my apartment and all...hehe.) the women of that group have been playing a hugeeee support role through all this and i am sooooo sooooo thankful that i have so many women (physically and virtually

) around to support me.

I''m glad to hear it WP. If you need to come back, please know that if the women on this board respond, it is because we do care. If you need somewhere to talk or vent, don''t feel like a stranger.

szh- I am not trying to start a cat fight, I just wanted to bring to your attention that you personally discounted every other poster on this board with your comment:
"...there have been so many just on this thread that have dismissed your relationship with a single sentence. Its probably one of many threads they''ve replied to today, they probably read through your post and skimmed through the responses before throwing in their 2 cents." (verbatim)

There was no reason to comment on other people''s posts. I understand that you may not see it this way, but this is how it was perceived by myself, and apparently others as well. The fact that many of us reply to lots of threads on PS has nothing to do with the sincerity of how we responded here.
She asked a question and many of the "one sentance" answers that you singled out, were in fact, just answering her question. It is what she asked for.

I will not deny, that I did single you out. I apologize if my initial post was rude, but your post struck a cord with me. You singled out every other person that responded on this thread. I see nothing wrong with bringing that to you attention, since I would do the same in real life.

If you were sitting in a group and a person asked for opinions from everyone, and after everyone else had gone, you replied the exact same way you did here... You don''t think that response would strike a nerve with the others sitting around you? I was just replying to what I thought was an unnecessary comment on your part. Or put yourself in the position of someone that gave an opinion, and then a person after you discounted your reasoning for given said opinion.

I hope that this can be the end, I just wantd to clarify the reasoning for my reply to your comment.

 

[elrohwen]

I'm not a fan of breaks and I think they only end well about 1% of the time. My ex broke up with me and I tried to turn it into a break, where the ending was open. After a few weeks of remaining in contact with him, I realized I didn't want to be with him anyway! There was a reason we took a break, and that reason was enough that we should've just been broken up.

I'm a big believer that relationships should be easy - at least for the first 5-10 years - or why bother being in the relationship? None of this "I need to work on myself" or "he needs to work on himself." That's just exhausting! I started dating DH and realized that I could be in a relationship where nobody was worried about working on anything and we just had fun together. In an easy relationship, there really shouldn't be a need to take a break in the first place.

ETA: I should really read through the second page before posting! Thanks for coming back to update, WP, and I commend you for doing the hard thing. I saw a red flag in your post that he needs to get help and you want to help him - beware of trying to fix a guy! If he wants to change, he'll change without your help. I think you'll find a really nice guy who doesn't need to be fixed, and then you'll know you have a winner.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 12/8/2009 10:52:42 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/7/2009 4:09:16 PM

Author: waitingpatiently

Date: 12/7/2009 3:49:40 PM

Author: meresal

WP- Thank you for coming back to update. I think putting yourself first is a great idea, and I love the idea of attending a different church. I''m sure it will be hard to cut communication, but there is no way it will be as hard as seeing him and being reminded that ''it''s not the same'' anymore.


Also, I know that different churches have lots of different bible study classes, and maybe you could find a ''20-somethings'' (newly graduated/young 20''s) bible study at this new church. I know that quite a few of my friends attend ones at their churches and the group usually goes out for coffee or meets for lunch somewhere once or twice a week. They all really enjoy it.


You CAN do it!

i''m already part of a mid-20s women''s group at my current church. the small group meets at my apartment during the week and i plan to keep attending that (since its at my apartment and all...hehe.) the women of that group have been playing a hugeeee support role through all this and i am sooooo sooooo thankful that i have so many women (physically and virtually

) around to support me.

I''m glad to hear it WP. If you need to come back, please know that if the women on this board respond, it is because we do care. If you need somewhere to talk or vent, don''t feel like a stranger.

szh- I am not trying to start a cat fight, I just wanted to bring to your attention that you personally discounted every other poster on this board with your comment:

''...there have been so many just on this thread that have dismissed your relationship with a single sentence. Its probably one of many threads they''ve replied to today, they probably read through your post and skimmed through the responses before throwing in their 2 cents.'' (verbatim)


There was no reason to comment on other people''s posts. I understand that you may not see it this way, but this is how it was perceived by myself, and apparently others as well. The fact that many of us reply to lots of threads on PS has nothing to do with the sincerity of how we responded here.

She asked a question and many of the ''one sentance'' answers that you singled out, were in fact, just answering her question. It is what she asked for.


I will not deny, that I did single you out. I apologize if my initial post was rude, but your post struck a cord with me. You singled out every other person that responded on this thread. I see nothing wrong with bringing that to you attention, since I would do the same in real life.


If you were sitting in a group and a person asked for opinions from everyone, and after everyone else had gone, you replied the exact same way you did here... You don''t think that response would strike a nerve with the others sitting around you? I was just replying to what I thought was an unnecessary comment on your part. Or put yourself in the position of someone that gave an opinion, and then a person after you discounted your reasoning for given said opinion.


I hope that this can be the end, I just wantd to clarify the reasoning for my reply to your comment.

Ditto Meresal''s past two posts. Just because I choose to verbalize my opinion and response succinctly doesn''t mean I didn''t think it through before posting. Number of words does not equal validity.