What makes a Bridezilla?

[E B]

What makes a Bridezilla? Is she, an otherwise normal, sweet, well-behaved girl destined to become one due to the fact that deep down, she always was one? Perhaps she's not so well-behaved, and in situations like these, she always is one. Could it be that a normal girl buckles under the "extreme" stress of wedding planning? Perhaps it's some weird chemical reaction happening only to brides. Odd.

Since I've started planning my own wedding, I've come across some pretty awful stuff. Stuff that'd make my grandmother cry, and she's the #1 spoiler. Between PS, The Knot (the worst!) and a couple friends, I've had enough bridezilla to put me off of planning my OWN wedding...almost. Hearing story after story about what THIS bride wants and what THIS bride should have turns my stomach...who do these girls think they are? Don't they realize that weddings happen EVERY DAY, all over the planet? Some actually don't. They're the only princess on their given date, no matter who they have to stomp on to make it so.

Before anyone gets mad, I'm not singling anyone out. This isn't because of any one post in particular...rather, all of them put together to form one giant, city-destroying bridezilla. I'm sure we all have a little bridezilla in us somewhere, whether it's apparent to everyone or to ourselves alone. I know I've thought about things that I've had to slap my own hand for. But if we're all able to become bridezillas, what's the cause? Over the last three months, I've come to the simple conclusion that so many smart, sensible, engaged women become bridezillas because of one seemingly harmless phrase: "It's YOUR wedding."

I'd bet that more often than not, Bridezilla didn't come to this conclusion on her own. I've seen several PSers, knotties and on rare occasion, myself, say this very thing to brides in the throws of a bridezilla fit. "Honey, you should do whatever you want...it's YOUR wedding!"

Please. Please, please please. The ONLY way the above could be valid would be if the bride ALONE was planning, arranging, and most importantly PAYING for this grand affair. But how often do you see that, especially with younger brides and grooms like myself? Not very often. Loving parents, family members, future grooms and even friends pitch in their money, time and effort to help this special day happen and what gets me EVERY TIME is when the bride declares it "her wedding" because she's receiving a ring.

As my Dad says, "I've got news for you, Ace."

It's not just your wedding. So you're the bride. You want a cookie? A wedding is the joining of two people in love, an event often made possible by people other than just yourself. Here's a good and completely OT example: If you're driving a car but your parents are paying for it, is it actually YOUR car? Mom gave you a gas card and Dad takes care of the maintenance...but just because you drive it, does it make it yours? Absolutely not.

In the interest of saving time, I'll wrap it up. What we women in the throes of wedding planning need to do is keep a level head. We won't always get what we planned for. The reception hall of our dreams just might not be available. And you know what? Life goes on. Beautiful weddings can happen on a dime vs. a dollar, if that's all that's available. Things won't be perfect, but rarely will anyone notice. If we're old enough to get married, we should be acting like the adults we are.


That felt really good. Thanks for letting me get it off my chest. Back to mature, reasonable wedding planning!

 

[monarch64]

Ebree, great question! To put it simply, IMO, I think a "bridezilla" is someone who cares more about the wedding than she does about her marriage. We all have "meltdowns," but there is a way a gal can carry herself so that she doesn''t hurt the ones who love her/she loves.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

You''re my hero!

 

[Mara]

haha i love it!!! this post made me laugh. bravo girl for saying what alot of us think from time to time!

i think we all have a bit of the bridezilla in us while planning, but nothing in my wedding was SO important that i had to freak about it, really....i didn''t WANT to be that stressed out, i wanted to have good memories of it.

life is not about always having what you want and personally i didn''t feel like my wedding day would be any different. compromise is key in life!

 

[sunkist]

Thank you EBree!! That was very well said

I''m still a LIW, but I am aware of this horrible "bridezilla" that has the ability to occur in all of us. But if we are mature and realize that the world does not revolve around us then this is the first step to keeping "bridezilla" at bay. Besides, when people say to the bride, "It''s YOUR wedding," how on earth can that be true?? Is she marrying herself? No, it is the bride and the grooms wedding, so that''s at least one more person on the top of the todem pole, not to mention all the other people EBree discussed.

Also, I think people focus too much on the wedding and not enough on the marriage. The wedding is ONE day. The marriage is a lifetime, and if it''s not, perhaps more of the time spent in wedding planning should have been focused on the future marriage and marriage partner. I know everyone''s situations are different, but I think this thought does apply to many divorces.

Anyways, I agree that being a bridezilla is not the way to begin a future life as a mature married woman.

 

[Rebemdee]

I enjoyed the post tremendously, Ebree! I''m going out of my way not to be bridezilla.

When making the invitations, my soon to be sister in law''s husband printed them on his laser printer, and fed all of them in crooked! There goes my expensive card stock! Everybody looked at me and held their breath, and I said, "Hey, got any white cardstock? That will work!" I think because I didn''t freak out, they went out and bought beautiful cardstock, in fact MANY choices, and we remade them and they are lovely.

AND, yesterday fiance sends me an email saying, "Hey, got the hotel room for the officiant, here it is." I called him and told him how much I loved him, how happy I was he was helping, that I''m so glad he''s taking on some of the awful drudgery and I appreciate him so much...and he rented the hotel room on the wrong day. We called the hotel, fixed it, and it''s no problem.

Mara, you are so right, it''s about choosing to be stressed or not, and enjoying it or letting it spiral out of control. I want to remember this as the happiest day of my life so far, and when I start to freak I''m going to remember this thread and, when all is said and done, I''m a bride because I''m getting married to the man I love, not because I''m wearing a white dress.

 

[MelissaSue]

Okay. I''ll bite
You say this isn''t aimed at me.. but you certainly can''t say I didn''t inspire it
I admit.. I CAN be a bridezilla. What made me one? Honestly.. I think its always been in me. A)I''m kind of used to getting what I want, and my FI is even MORE used to getting what he wants.. so when I''m ready to give in, he''s often there pushing me to fight for what I want (In other words, we were spoiled brat kids) B)I''m one of those people who has been buying bridal magazines since high school.. even before I had a boyfriend I was even thinking about marrying. And C) I can be sort of a b**tch when people make me unhappy.. under any circumstances.

BUT.. I normally can keep it under check. My most recent meltdown, there were a lot of factors, first, I obviously wasnt getting what i wanted, so I was being a brat. The second.. my parents have ALWAYS said I hate change.. especially last minute changes.. I think if had more time to adjust, my reaction would have been much less extreme. Third.. Just plain old stress. And not even wedding stress that much. On sunday when this all went down, I had worked about 60 hours last week and was spending the entire day sunday trying to paint our new house that is going much slower than I had wanted. There are other factors adding stress to my life too.. Not related to the wedding.. but I think it was pretty much just an emotional meltdown kind of thing. I''ve definitely chilled out about it now, and while I did get "my way".. I do see that I was being somewhat unreasonable.

In anycase, in my defense.. I really think for the most part I''ve been extremely relaxed about the wedding planning, letting a lot of things be out of my control, and not insisting on my first choice on a LOT of things. I didn''t pick my florist, DJ or Limo, they were all people that my family knew.. I got the cheapest BM dresses I could find, even though I was truly in LOVE with ones that were twice the price.. Not trying to say I deserve a prize for this, just saying I''m not as out of control as some of you are making me out to be!

 

[Tybee]

I got a great laugh from this this morning! Thanks!
You know, as relaxed as I''m trying to be, I do feel the
bridezilla creep up on me at times.
I blame society, and expectations placed on women since birth,
but I do that a lot! (lol!)

 

[Caribou]

That was good reading Ebree. I admit I''ve had bridzilla thoughts. I went to my friends wedding last Friday and the bartenders were being a*holes, it was making me so mad and I decided that if that crap happens on my wedding day, I want to know about it so I can nip it in the bud.

I think there''s a difference between a bridzilla who becomes one while planning her wedding and one who was already one before. I don''t think anyone should apologize or feel bad because they act in a certain way as long as they are being reasonable...I mean, regardless of who pays for it, it is your wedding...Your names are on the invites, your the reason all these guests are there, your name are on all the cards and gifts....it''s not a bad thing to want your day to be a special perfect day. Like ebree said, just keep it in check.

Melissa, I agree that this post was probably partly inspired by your post. None of us on here know anything about what''s going on in your life, or your relationship with anyone helping you with the wedding, or your stress level at that time. I don''t think you have to explain yourselves to us. Anyone of us in the future could be coming on here and telling a bridzilla story. A mini melt down is okay, I think, at least I''ve been warned by a few friends that one day I will also have one. Just remember that if your day doesn''t turn out perfect in your eyes...you are marrying someone you love dearly that, to me, makes the day perfect even if you have a rip in your dress, it''s raining outside, or the flowers aren''t just right.

 

[E B]

Date: 2/15/2006 7:16:37 AM
Author: MelissaSue
Okay. I''ll bite

You say this isn''t aimed at me.. but you certainly can''t say I didn''t inspire it

The timing of my post would suggest this, but I can assure you, this has been building up for quite some time. Inspiration was actually a couple Knot posts I remembered days back that opened the flood gates, but I chose to post it here as PSers actually take time to read others thoughts.

 

[AmberWaves]

EBree, thanks for the post and after watching "Bridezillas" I vowed never to be one, but then there I am griping about kids at the wedding, and how we''re going to figure it out...

Hopefully, this wasn''t an inspiration to your post, because I was genuinely looking for some advice since unfortunately I really AM planning this whole wedding on my own. My guy wants nothing to do with it, as he said, "Once the ring is bought, my job is over". My father doesn''t do weddings, and my mother is too busy. Never thought I''d say that.

I hope I have no bridezilla moments, and that my worrying about the guest total/food ideas isn''t as spastically Bridezilla as it seems!

 

[E B]

Date: 2/15/2006 11:29:00 AM
Author: AmberWaves
EBree, thanks for the post and after watching 'Bridezillas' I vowed never to be one, but then there I am griping about kids at the wedding, and how we're going to figure it out...

Hopefully, this wasn't an inspiration to your post, because I was genuinely looking for some advice since unfortunately I really AM planning this whole wedding on my own.

Amber, not at all! Without questions, I'd never be able to plan my wedding! I'm right there with you....everytime I show my FI something, he shrugs..."it's okay". Thanks for the help, hon!

In cases like these, we just need to help eachother plan!

 

[curlygirl]

Great post Ebree! It''s hard to say what makes a bridezilla and yes, we probably do all have a little bit of it in us. I was one of those brides who literally did everything, including paying for the wedding, but I never thought I owned the day. It was meant to be for me, my husband, our families and our friends!

I only had a few bridezilla moments and those were literally during the week right before the wedding when I had to actually pay everyone and confirm everything--chalk it up to stress, excitement, nerves and the shrinkage of my bank account! But it was all worth it and I wouldn''t change a thing. There were times when I wanted to stress out about stupid stuff, like I wasn''t in love with the menu cards I had gotten printed because they didn''t bold the names of the courses (salad, entree, dessert). And then I laughed at myself because WHO CARES?!?! People just want to know what they are eating, they''re not paying attention to the type or the font. I think many women become bridezillas when they obsess over the most minor details that literally NOBODY will notice.

One more example. I started checking the weather 10 days before my wedding but realized almost immediately that 1. it changes daily, sometimes even hourly and 2. I can''t control the weather!!! So I got over it and decided not to check again until the day before and guess what? It was 50 degrees and drizzling on February 4 in NYC. It could''ve been April!! I was high fiving myself!! I got so lucky because I paid off-season prices for peak season weather! And if I had gotten married one week later, there would have been a blizzard and 26 inches of snow. You just don''t know what can happen.

I think it all comes down to letting whatever is going to happen, happen. You can''t control everything. You can''t guarantee that people will come to your wedding or that they''ll even have a good time! You can provide them with all the things they need to enjoy themselves but what they do with that is up to them. To use a cliche that I love, don''t sweat the small stuff. Really, it''s not worth it. Think about the big picture--you''re marrying the man you love and you will be surrounded by the people that mean the most to you. Just say no to being a bridezilla and have fun!!!

 

[decodelighted]

Hey Ebree!

That was an AWESOME post. Whew. I felt relieved reading it and it really sums up some of my own conflicted feelings about wedding planning (that have led me to postpone even starting for three months after engagment).

Though here''s what I was thinking last night after posting to Melissa Sue''s thread (and maybe over-harshly) ... I should cop to the fact that early in my twenties (and, ahem, late twenties) I was guilty of too high expectations. I really, truly thought that I''d get everything I wanted in life and that I was so smart and so capable and so persuasive that life would just go my way. When you live like that - you''re gonna get crushed. Hard. Sometimes it gets set up when we''re kids ... grades, competitions, praise ... being a perfect little unstoppable princess ... or as Melissa said: spoiled brats. BUT -- even the enormously rich or privelged eventually get "socked" ... by health problems or losing a loved one or personal failures and then you get humbled & gain perspective. Though everyone probably has a little Bridezilla in them - some people are planning their wedding AFTER life has humbled them and some folks are still living the dream. This may explain differing perspectives on the subject. But, just because I''ve lowered my expectations and choose to live a more balanced, compassionate, outward-focused (as opposed to self-focused) existance currently DOESN''T mean I think I''m better than those who don''t BECAUSE I''ve been there too (we all probably have). I''ve lost friendships because I was disapointed with someone''s behavior toward me or took a stand "for myself" without considering the other side enough ... or proclaimed that I wasn''t being given ENOUGH, or WHAT WAS PROMISED, etc ... forgetting that other people are just human beings floundering along putting their OWN interests ahead of mine occaisionally. It''s a tough lesson. Lowering your expectations doesn''t mean giving up on your dreams or big ideas or grand plans ... keep reaching for the stars, planning for success, working toward what you want. The trouble starts when you start believing you''re entitled to things/favors/the best ... and expecting perfection from an imperfect world/people/society. Eh, my 12 cents.

 

[larussel03]

I think it''s all in the attitude and if she gets on a "high horse" or not. Not necessarily just being a little difficult, every bride is and esp since this day is important and can be stressful to plan. I think a bridezilla is someone who expects you to jump when she says jump, cant say thank you and is ungrateful and unreasonable.

Every bride will have her bridezilla ish moments, Im sure, but to truly become one I feel you have to fit the above description : )

 

[saturn]

I agree with a lot of what you said, but I think that sometimes we can be too quick to apply the "Bridezilla" label.

I mean, planning a wedding IS stressful. It''s a large event , with all kinds of details that have to be considered and people that have to be satisfied. On top of that, it''s also a very emotional event in the couple''s life. But yet, if the bride comes even close to cracking under the pressure, she''s scolded for being a bridezilla.

To me, a bridezilla is someone who goes over the edge trying to control all of the PEOPLE involved in the wedding. I''m talking about the brides who want their bridesmaids to pierce their ears, cut their hair, lose 20 pounds, and spend $600 on a dress. The brides who want to dictate what their guests wear and how much is spent on gifts. That behavior is just plain rude.

But caring about how the flowers look, trying to avoid typos in the program, and working extra hard to make your guests comfortable is NOT being a bridezilla. I mean, I see lots of brides who worry about details of their weddings that to me are not worth the effort. But if it''s important to them and they can pull it off without being mean to those around them, then I have no problem with it.

I feel like our society puts brides in a really difficult position. On one hand, we scrutinize weddings for any detail that isn''t perfect - we all love to criticize "tacky" weddings . But then, if you worry too much about getting the details perfect, you are called bridezilla.

I''m not trying to say that we shouldn''t try to relax and go with the flow, but sometimes I feel like it makes things worse knowing that if you get stressed about anything at all, you will be called bridezilla.

I think I read and article about this a while back....... here it is.

 

[E B]

Saturn,

Nobody faults a bride for feeling stressed. But when you get to the root of why a bride is stressed, I'm sure you'd find that often, she doesn't even need to be! As Rembedee mentioned earlier, her sister-in-law's husband accidently botched the first round of invitations. Sure, she could have stomped and wailed ("my perfect invitations!") but do you think that after buying plain white card stock, her guests would have even noticed a difference? I think that the bride herself, far above society, scrutinizes her own wedding and this really isn't necessary. Guests don't know what you've planned before and unless something really goes wrong, I doubt they'd notice something a little flawed. I know I don't. I'm at a wedding to eat, dance, and celebrate a marriage. That's all. I as a guest wouldn't notice if peonies didn't arrive on time and thus, roses had to be used for the centerpieces.

A wedding doesn't create a bridezilla...a bride does.

 

[SoonIHope]

I agree with Saturn - there is a difference between being a normal person who gets really stressed out, and a bridezilla. Everyone is encouraged to have a perfect wedding and there''s so much pressure (like for example in the "can I use paper plates at my reception" thread the other day) to have it be "right" that I think most people will occasionally have a little breakdown at some point or another. I don''t think a situation like MelissaSue''s makes her a bridezilla or a bad person or anything at all - she perhaps could have handled the situation better, but she was under a LOT of stress, both wedding-related and otherwise, and I think we have all been guilty of overreacting from time to time over disappointment from dashed expectations. I think the reason she chose to post it here was because she knew that she was overreacting and was hoping other people would sympathize with the fact that the pressure and stress makes you do crazy things sometimes, not because she was in need of a lecture on something she already admitted that she knew was bratty.

That said, I did enjoy EBree''s original post, and I think she (and everyone else) has a lot of good points. I just do feel that it''s a bit unfair how if a woman happens to be planning a wedding when she gets stressed out and freaks out a bit, then she''s a bridezilla, whereas if she had a similar overreaction about something non-wedding related people would feel bad for her for being so stressed out, and try to make her feel better (without condoning her melodramatic behavior).

 

[E B]

Date: 2/15/2006 2:58:15 PM
Author: albicocca
I just do feel that it's a bit unfair how if a woman happens to be planning a wedding when she gets stressed out and freaks out a bit, then she's a bridezilla, whereas if she had a similar overreaction about something non-wedding related people would feel bad for her for being so stressed out, and try to make her feel better (without condoning her melodramatic behavior).

Albi,

As I said above, no one faults a bride for being stressed, and in no way did I post to scold Melissa. But, if we're going to use her story as an example, it was a classic case of overreacting due to wanting everything YOUR (her, any bride's) way. That's a bad, bad mentality to have when planning a wedding and no, while I wouldn't characterize Melissa as a bridezilla, her actions were a bit bridezilla-ish, as she herself admitted. Due to stress? Probably. What I'm trying to say is that a lot of stress is stress brides bring upon themselves. If they learn to let things go, it's better for themselves and everyone involved!

 

[SoonIHope]

Date: 2/15/2006 3:02:56 PM
Author: EBree
What I''m trying to say is that a lot of stress is stress brides bring upon themselves. If they learn to let things go, it''s better for themselves and everyone involved!

I know, that''s why I was enjoying this thread!

Good points all around!

 

[AmberWaves]

So, if I want things my way all the time... I''m just a bratty baby?

That''s what my BF calls me!!

And... that''s me!! I may not be a bridezilla (since the ring is STILL not here), but I am a PLANzilla, because I''m planning, but not engaged yet. Make sense? I didn''t think so. All I can say is, I pity him, when I get preggers.. watch out!!

 

[saturn]

First of all, of course I agree that it''s better not to sweat the small stuff.

But one of the things that bothers me is the way that the term "Bridezilla" is used for behavior that to me seems totally reasonable. I mean, last week I called my mom to discuss the best way to order bridesmaids dresses. I had done a lot of research on how to save my bridesmaids money, but the whole thing was kind of complicated. I calmly explained the whole situation, and she basically accused me of being a bridezilla. What exactly is "Bridezilla" about trying to be considerate of my friends and save them some money?

And while I certainly applaud Rebemdee for shrugging it off when her invitations were messed up, I don''t think that there would be anything wrong with her if she wanted to be a little bit unhappy that her expensive cardstock had been ruined. And I don''t think that Curlygirl was being unreasonable to care about the weather on her wedding day.

I really recommend the article I posted above, I think it explains my feelings better than I can.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 2/15/2006 11:29:00 AM
Author: AmberWaves
I really AM planning this whole wedding on my own. My guy wants nothing to do with it, as he said, ''Once the ring is bought, my job is over''.

Wow Amber! I think we are marrying the same man. He thinks the ring is a "get out of everything for the next 10 year" card.

 

[AmberWaves]

What''s REALLY funny is, I picked out the setting, and I''m picking out the stone, and we''re getting it set together.. Where''s the work in that for him??? NOWHERE. I''m even contributing to the ring fund!! He''s wearing a pink tux for this. He said I could choose... sucker!

 

[SoonIHope]

Date: 2/15/2006 3:28:52 PM
Author: AmberWaves
What''s REALLY funny is, I picked out the setting, and I''m picking out the stone, and we''re getting it set together.. Where''s the work in that for him??? NOWHERE. I''m even contributing to the ring fund!! He''s wearing a pink tux for this. He said I could choose... sucker!

You are soooo posting pictures of your wedding on PS.

[and if there is no pink tux, we will make you make him wear one at least for some pictures!!

]

 

[flopkins]

ok I'm liking the discussion here... and I'm liking how we can all share our opinions w/o hurt feelings (I hope) but I had to post this... bc I am making my BM wear pink and two of them absolutely HATE pink and would NEVER wear it... except for me.

And they are getting back at me by throwing a GREEN themed shower... not that I have anything against green but it's just not a favorite color of mine...

 

[E B]

Date: 2/15/2006 3:26:23 PM
Author: saturn
First of all, of course I agree that it's better not to sweat the small stuff.

I had done a lot of research on how to save my bridesmaids money, but the whole thing was kind of complicated. I calmly explained the whole situation, and she basically accused me of being a bridezilla. What exactly is 'Bridezilla' about trying to be considerate of my friends and save them some money?

Nothing!

That's as considerate as anything I've heard recently. A bridezilla would choose $400.00 dresses and then throw a fit if her bridesmaids couldn't afford to buy them!

Amber- A pink tux? Awesome. We must see pictures!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 2/15/2006 2:58:15 PM
Author: albicocca
I agree with Saturn - there is a difference between being a normal person who gets really stressed out, and a bridezilla.
........
That said, I did enjoy EBree''s original post, and I think she (and everyone else) has a lot of good points. I just do feel that it''s a bit unfair how if a woman happens to be planning a wedding when she gets stressed out and freaks out a bit, then she''s a bridezilla, whereas if she had a similar overreaction about something non-wedding related people would feel bad for her for being so stressed out, and try to make her feel better (without condoning her melodramatic behavior).

To be honest, in MS''s case, I''d find that behavior immature and spoiled whether or not it was wedding related.

When someone else does something for your benefit, you say "thank you" and be gracious! You don''t chastise them for not doing it the way you would, on the time schedule you would or any other thing. That applies if someone''s throwing a bridal shower or a birthday party or a retirement party for you. It''s bratty and ungrateful to throw a tantrum because other''s efforts aren''t good enough for you.

Life is full of stress. Do you think brides corner the market on being stressed? No. But honestly, in MS''s case, the problem wasn''t stress. The problem was being spoiled and feeling entited to get precisely what she wanted (but not if it meant paying for it herself). The only thing that makes such behavior "bridezilla-ish" is that it was related to a wedding. If it weren''t, it would still be ungrateful and bratty....but not bridezilla.

 

[AmberWaves]

Oh yeah, either a green tux, or pink. Velvet. With sparkles. LOVE the picture, flopkins!

 

[AmberWaves]

Have I mentioned that my pink-tux wearing boyfriend is 6''2" and 350 pounds (not fat, just BIG)? That''s a lot of pink, my friends.