What makes a Bridezilla?

[flopkins]

Also I''ve found this gives me a bit of perspective every once in a while - it''s an article written by a knottie that gives some really sound advice about weddings and wedding planning:

http://jennifermendelsohn.com/sullatips.htm

 

[Caribou]

Date: 2/15/2006 3:44:35 PM
Author: aljdewey

No. But honestly, in MS''s case, the problem wasn''t stress.

I think Melissa did over react but you can''t say that it wasn''t stress related. You have no idea what kind of stress she is or isn''t under. None of us do. That''s not a very fair statement.

 

[Mara]

How you express displeasure or unhappiness, wedding or not, speaks to maturity. There can be a breakdown which happens to all of us from time to time, and then there is behavior where it passes unreasonable where people can only just stare wide-eyed...and think holy crap I'm glad that's not me...hahah.

I think that Bridezillas don't just come out of nowhere on mature, well adjusted gals...personally my own opinion. I think if you are already a spoiled brat and used to getting your way, you are already 'primed' for Bridezilla-ism when you start planning the wedding and/or even after that and are in a marriage where it's not always about your way anymore. People don't just SUDDENLY start to think that life is about them, they are already that way and so a wedding where it's all about them anyway, brings it out of them even more!

I don't think that being unhappy about invitations turning out wrong, or checking the weather once a day to estimate is Bridezilla at all, but expecting people to do what you say or else, and throwing tantrums or crying about things all the time is totally Bridezilla behavior.

I had a friend go all Bridezilla on the day of her wedding, and WOW it was really unpleasant...we were both young, she was getting married young and she was having a fit on how to put the dress over her head. I was helping (was maid of honor) and she started yelling at me about how I wasn't doing it right and was ruining her hair (which we hadn't even touched) and then she freaked out and started yelling and then ordered me out of the room. I just stood there staring at her, and by the way she was the most mild-mannered girl EVER before this....and then I left and let the other maids handle it. She never apologized and seriously it affected our friendship big time after that because I was just so shocked that she tweaked and LOST IT. Earlier, she also was super rude to her father who had some sort of language disease where words didn't mean what they thought he did, so when he spoke it made absolutely no sense, we were driving up to the church and he was babbling and she freaked out and screamed at him to shut the F up because he made no sense anyway.

I was so shocked and embarassed, it was even more sad that he had no idea what she was saying because our words meant something else to him too. He just laughed and nodded. It was really sad.

Seriously this girl lost it...and before that I had NEVER heard her say a negative word to anyone about anyone. So after that day I was really just disturbed by all the venom coming out of her and I maybe spoke to her once or twice after that and just was done....it was kind of sad to lose the friendship but what I saw under her typically calm demeanor (it felt 'evil') really freaked me out.

So having seen the QUEEN Bridezilla in my friend way back when...I feel like people ARE quick to throw around the Bridezilla term even when it's not really unreasonable behavior, I had my Mom say that to me too when I was planning because she had some idea and I said no that wasn't how it was going to be. I wasn't yelling or upset, I was just like 'no we'll do it my way, it works out better' and she was like 'Oh okay Miss Bridezilla!'...I was like 'Mom you don't even know what you are talking about, it could be so much worse!!'...hehehe. So yes I do agree that alot of people are quick to label the planning gals that when it's not really unreasonable, but I do see some behavior (all on PS since I don't frequent other forums) where I am like WOW suddenly I feel super low-maintenance and I am seriously a spoiled gal most of the time so that's funny to say!

But I guess I just figure that once you learn in general that life does not revolve around you, and that your wedding is just one day and that the marriage will be harder than planning the wedding ever was...you have less of a chance to be a Bridezilla than someone who hasn't figured those things out. Just my two cents having been there, done that and grown up a bit since then too.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Date: 2/15/2006 3:56:12 PM
Author: Caribou

Date: 2/15/2006 3:44:35 PM
Author: aljdewey

No. But honestly, in MS''s case, the problem wasn''t stress.

I think Melissa did over react but you can''t say that it wasn''t stress related. You have no idea what kind of stress she is or isn''t under. None of us do. That''s not a very fair statement.

Whoa, wait a minute... Did I miss something?

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Date: 2/15/2006 3:48:08 PM
Author: flopkins
Also I''ve found this gives me a bit of perspective every once in a while - it''s an article written by a knottie that gives some really sound advice about weddings and wedding planning:

http://jennifermendelsohn.com/sullatips.htm

flopkins- thanks for that link- what a gem!

 

[Caribou]

Date: 2/15/2006 4:03:09 PM
Author: aphisiglovessae

Date: 2/15/2006 3:56:12 PM
Author: Caribou

Date: 2/15/2006 3:44:35 PM
Author: aljdewey

No. But honestly, in MS''s case, the problem wasn''t stress.

I think Melissa did over react but you can''t say that it wasn''t stress related. You have no idea what kind of stress she is or isn''t under. None of us do. That''s not a very fair statement.

Whoa, wait a minute... Did I miss something?

No...Aji just said that Melissa reaction to the bridal shower wasn''t stress. But none of can really know what Melissa is going through to know if it was or wasn''t stress.....that''s all I mean.

 

[appletini]

I have to laugh at this thread. I''m the type of person that people would expect to become a bridezilla. I''m very organized, a perfectionist, and a control freak. My friends told me that they are so impressed by how calm I''ve been about everything. I can attribute this to several factors (in no particular order)...

1. I''m super stressed and busy at work, as we are in the middle of a merger integration. I don''t have the time or energy to stress about both work and wedding, so I choose to stress about work only.
2. My ceremony & reception are at the same place they handle almost all of the details & vendors for me.
3. My FI was in so many weddings last year, that we are flat burned out on weddings, and just want to be with other.
4. My FI is responsible for planning groomsman and usher attire.
5. My aunt is in the printing business so I let her handle my invitations for me.
6. My Bridal Party is wearing black cocktail dresses.
7. Most people aren''t going to notice or remember all the details.
8. I have the most wonderful and handsome fiance, who always makes me laugh.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Oops, double post..

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Date: 2/15/2006 4:14:47 PM
Author: Caribou

Date: 2/15/2006 4:03:09 PM
Author: aphisiglovessae

Date: 2/15/2006 3:56:12 PM
Author: Caribou

Date: 2/15/2006 3:44:35 PM
Author: aljdewey

No. But honestly, in MS''s case, the problem wasn''t stress.

I think Melissa did over react but you can''t say that it wasn''t stress related. You have no idea what kind of stress she is or isn''t under. None of us do. That''s not a very fair statement.

Whoa, wait a minute... Did I miss something?

No...Aji just said that Melissa reaction to the bridal shower wasn''t stress. But none of can really know what Melissa is going through to know if it was or wasn''t stress.....that''s all I mean.

Oh, I have yet to read that thread.... I agree though that no one can know the whole story about a person and their life. That''s why we shouldn''t jump to conclusions.

 

[E B]

Date: 2/15/2006 4:24:32 PM
Author: appletini

7. Most people aren't going to notice or remember all the details.

Amen. I haven't found a single flaw with any of the weddings I've been to and I'm sure there were plenty...but how would I (or any of the other guests) have known? Short of your cake being mixed up with a bachlorette party cake (wouldn't that be disastrous! A wedding cake shaped like a, well...), guests won't notice much but the food, the music, and how happy the couple looks.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 2/15/2006 3:56:12 PM
Author: Caribou

Date: 2/15/2006 3:44:35 PM
Author: aljdewey

No. But honestly, in MS's case, the problem wasn't stress.

I think Melissa did over react but you can't say that it wasn't stress related. You have no idea what kind of stress she is or isn't under. None of us do. That's not a very fair statement.

I didn't say stress may not have contributed to it. I said stress wasn't the root cause of the problem, and I still think that's true, and I think that's pretty evident from MS's very candid self-assessment in this thread.

1) I'm used to getting what I want.
2) I can be a bitch when people make me unhappy under any circumstances.

That tells me that such behavior is more standard operating procedure. Would stress make it worse? Sure. But do I think this was the same thing as most brides....where stress culminates on a number of fronts, causing an unusual and atypical poor reaction? No, I don't.

Maybe you'd be better with this edit: I PERSONALLY DON"T BELIEVE this was the product of stress. (I thought that was inferred before, but maybe now it's clearer.)

 

[E B]

Flopkins, that picture made me LOL so hard (at work, no less!). The "You will wear pink and LIKE IT" got me the most.

 

[pebbles]

I''ve only had a couple of my friends turn into Bridezillas, so from what I have seen they are born and not made.

My two friends that did were total their-way-or-the-highway type of people anyways. I knew both since high school and were always used to getting their way. One in particular was a complete nut -- she micro managed every single little detail 100x over. She also changed her mind about everything a million times. She even went so far as to change her mind about our Bm dresses after we had ordered them! She wanted the groomsmen to all wear the same socks. She wanted one of the Gm to shave his goat tee - even though he had it forever, because she thought he would look to sloppy in the pictures.

She wanted all the BM to go to the same salon and have the same updoo -- never mind that we would have to be there at 7am in order for them to accomodate us. She wouldn''t even let her own mother pick out what she wanted to wear -- she had to go with her to make sure she approved of the dress. She told her FMIL what colors she could or could not wear. She only lightened up after her fiance threatened to call off their engagement.

My other friend wouldn''t accept suggestions from anyone about anything. I kept telling her not to ask for opinions then. She got into a huge fight with the MOH about the bachelorette party and now they no longer speak. She really treated the MOH bad throughout her whole wedding planning, then when it was all over, acted like nothing happened.

I think most Bridezillas tend to be too focused on the wedding and not the marriage. My first Bridezilla friend is now divorced.

 

[AmberWaves]

Wow, Pebbles, the first girl in your list sounds exactly like my FSIL, she made my boyfriend shave his goatee off, too. They ahd to put the wedding back a year so they could afford what she had wanted!

 

[selflove]

The expectations and judgments of everyone else is what puts me over the edge. I feel like it only happened once, that I got snappy with anyone.

It was Saturday with my BM who said about the chairs at my reception venue: "Oh I can SEE why you want chair covers. We had wooden folding chairs at MY wedding." Like, shut the f-up! This isn''t YOUR wedding, it''s MINE, which I''m trying to do on a BUDGET----b/c it''s not the CHAIRS that are important, it''s the people surrounding us who love us and share in our joy of getting married! Okay, not like her relentless comments justify the fact that I kind of snapped at her later in the day, but on other occassions I have just ignored her. (This is not abnormal behavior for her but I still do love her to death.)

Call me a cynic, but I feel like this huge wedding industry in the US feeds on women''s insecurities so that they feel pressured to have a wedding event that is bigger, better, more than anything they could ever NEED. You know, who wants to have a boring or an ugly wedding?? No one! I have heard my friends talk about the most boring weddings they''ve attended or heard them complain that the food was bad or that they were seated way in the corner or WHAT-EV-ER and those little nuggets kinda stayed with me. They push my insecurity buttons, ya know?

Eloping is not a bad idea at all!!!!!!!! Except then you miss out on all the love from your family and friends...

 

[Mara]

SL that's why a destination wedding rocks, the only thing people remember is the beautiful locale, BUT they do complain about how much it costs to get OVER THERE and expenses...so that's a downer..hehe. But the cake, food, flowers, my dress, etc...no one remembered that stuff and that was okay with me because we all just had a smashing time..! And of course no one is bored either..ehhee.

 

[cutes814]

Date: 2/15/2006 7:40:58 PM
Author: Mara
SL that''s why a destination wedding rocks, the only thing people remember is the beautiful locale, BUT they do complain about how much it costs to get OVER THERE and expenses...so that''s a downer..hehe.

Yep, it is a downer alright! I have a BM that is constantly complaining to me about her budget and how much it''ll cost her to be at the wedding since we''re having it in Hawaii. But the thing is, she isn''t going to Hawaii just for my wedding, she''s going there a week early with her BF so they can vacation before the wedding.

So the expenses aren''t completely because of my wedding. It seems unfair I get penalized with this because I''m having a destination wedding. She even said to me once, "You just want to save money on your wedding, so you''re having it in Hawaii and pushing the other half of the expenses onto us."

Wedding planning does put a sting on your friendships.

 

[Mara]

haha Milly my dad told me the same thing. ''Sure it''s cheaper for you because we all have to pay to get there''. I pointed out that he was going to give us $$ towards the wedding when it was going to be local and almost double the cost, so now he could just take that $$ and pay for the trip.

 

[cutes814]

Haha. But it''s different with your dad. He was planning to pay for part of the wedding anyway, so it would probably save him money! See for my wedding, Sam and I have to pay for it ourselves. Neither of our parents have offered to help, and we are not planning to ask.

It just seems unfair that she is making me feel guilty for something that she''ll be enjoying too!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 2/15/2006 8:30:04 PM
Author: Milly

Date: 2/15/2006 7:40:58 PM
She even said to me once, ''You just want to save money on your wedding, so you''re having it in Hawaii and pushing the other half of the expenses onto us.''

What does she even MEAN by that? How are you saving money at their expense? If they don''t want to go, they shouldn''t? Geez ... you''re right. Weddings can bring out the WORST in people!! (me included, I''ve been guilty of jealousy & pouting & bad behavior before too

)

 

[LizzieC]

Date: 2/15/2006 7:36:49 PM
Author: selflove
The expectations and judgments of everyone else is what puts me over the edge.

Absolutely! That''s been my biggest source of stress... trying to make everyone happy while still retaining some little bit of what I want. We''re having a super small wedding, which makes it easier in some respects. But everyone who''s going to be there is family or close friends, so I really really care what they think! And FI''s familly is coming from the opposite side of the world... SO it''s really important to me that they have a good time and think that everything is beautiful and fun... but I''m also trying to keep the budget low b/c my parents are footing most of the bill. Man oh man....

Did ya''ll catch the Dr. Phil episode last week about Bridezillas? I was shouting at the T.V.... "You have NO idea what it''s like, Dr. Phil! YOU never had to plan a wedding!"

AmberWaves- You''re awesome... I''m going to threaten my FI w/ a pink tux too! He also thinks he got the "Get Out of Planning Free" card when he bought the ring! The ring that I picked out myself b/c he wanted no part of that research either! I gave him one job for the wedding... ONE small job... 3 weeks ago... and today I ended up caving and did it myself!

 

[cutes814]

Date: 2/15/2006 10:14:32 PM
Author: decodelighted

What does she even MEAN by that? How are you saving money at their expense? If they don''t want to go, they shouldn''t? Geez ... you''re right. Weddings can bring out the WORST in people!!

I don''t really know what she meant by that, but it''s true if she doesn''t want to go, all she has to do is tell me.

 

[E B]

Amber,

I just threatened my FI with a pink tux, and do you know what he said?

"Okay. I can wear pink."

I then asked him if he''s really going to help out with the serious planning, once I get started. He said he''d help me with the big things, but the little things he just doesn''t care about that much (ie. the floral arrangements, the cake). I guess that makes sense...if our guys were asking us to help them pick this or that for their car, I''m sure most of us would say "...wha?" At least I would!

 

[AmberWaves]

Well, EBree, if my boyfriend asked me to pick things out for his car, he''d be sorry! I brought up the tux thing last night, and he just shrugged and said, eh, okay. What?! Oh he''s SO getting a pink tux.

I must admit that I was a Bridesmaidzilla a few years ago.

And guess what? I was kicked out of the wedding, and we''re no longer friends, so there goes that! FYI, I have grown up now, and regret every single bit of it. We were young, and my best friend was marrying a guy she had known since she was a baby (need I mention that when she was 5, he had graduated from High School?) it''s not the age thing that bothered me, it was the fact that he knew her when she was a baby! And decided to marry her when she was legal. That just creeped me out.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 2/15/2006 10:28:16 PM
Author: EBree
Amber,

I just threatened my FI with a pink tux, and do you know what he said?

''Okay. I can wear pink.''

My FI keeps telling me he''s going to wear a purple crushed velvet tux just like his dad did.

I can see where I might get snippy when it comes to doing it my way. I have a friend who likes to give unwanted unsolicated advice constantly. And he''ll push it until he gets his way...however, he never does with me but keeps trying.

Also my mom has a tendancy never say anything positive about my ideas. She''s been that way my whole life. For example, I''ll say I''m moving my bed on that way and my mom will say you should move it over there.

It''s very aggrevating. So it''s made me very snippy with her.

 

[AmberWaves]

Caribou, you and I have the opposite problem, my mom will agree with everything I say, and it makes me get snippy with her. I''d say, ooh, I like those shoes, and then she''d say, Oh yeah, me too! And then I''ll change my mind and say, eh, they''re kind of pink, or something, and she''d say, yeah, you''re right, they''re not too cute.

It gets frustrating sometimes.

And it would be just like my boyfriend to wear the purple velvet tux, and then claim he thought our colors were purple and velvet.