What makes for a good, long-lasting marriage?

[Indylady]

A recent thread where OUpearlgirl mentioned that she knows 12 couples she knows getting divorced really struck me.
(Oddly though, I can't seem to track down the thread..or I'd link to it)

What makes for a good, long-lasting marriage? I'm interested in hearing from everybody--those that are married, unmarried, have been there and done that, everybody. I'm not looking for Hallmark answers.

There's so much good advice on LIW, but a lot of it gets lost in threads that are about a specific person or situation. What's your best advice to those that are considering marriage? What do you think makes for a good, long-lasting marriage?

Thank you all in advance!!

 

[missy]

I can only speak from personal experience so this is what makes our marriage great as I see it.

1. Love
2. Passion
3. Respect
4. Communication
5. Friendship
6. Compassion
7. Good sense of humor
8. Being a team and being each other's soft place to fall when things get tough
9. Being a good listener to each other- really hearing what the other is saying
10. When arguing working to find a solution and not caring about who is right or wrong but what you can do to solve the issue for the both of you.



To name a few
and not in any particular order

 

[zoebartlett]

Some of my random thoughts (Some things could go without saying but I'll say them anyway):

-- Remain friends with your husband. It's not always about passion. Yes, that's great, but I think it's important to continue your friendship too.
-- Have a mutual respect for your similarities and differences.
-- Know when to walk away to cool off when needed
-- It's okay to agree to disagree, and it's okay to go to bed angry. I've heard so many people say "never to go bed angry" but for us, just having a good night's sleep often gives us more clarity on an issue the next day.
-- Communicate! Tell your husband what you need or want. As much as I'd love my husband to be a mind reader, he's not, and I shouldn't expect him to be.
-- Stay independent. I have a few acquaintances who seemed to give up their independence as soon as they said "I do" and it's sad, really. There's nothing wrong with doing things on your own. I think it's important to continue doing things that are important to you.

 

[missy]

I want to add that I think romance is very important (at least for us). Little gestures that show how much we love each other. I love the fact that after more than 11 years we are still very romantic with each other.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I'd love to see Uppy chime in with her 60/40 advice. She and her husband have been married 24 years. They each understand that at one moment there is no way for both people to be giving 50/50 at all times. So, they have a 60/40 marriage. If she is feeling down in the dumps, he picks up the slack. If he is stressed out about work, she lifts him up. I think a key component to any relationship, really, is give and take.

I'm doing a terrible explanation (I haven't had enough coffee yet!)

 

[sctsbride09]

In no specific order..

-picking your battles
-mutual respect
-honesty
-communication
-having a sense of humor, this goes very far for me sometimes, as I tend to be too serious.
-teamwork
-compassion/empathy towards spouse
-being friends
-being calm in arguments as opposed to yelling (this one can be tricky, but DH and I have a NO name calling, swearing at each other rule, and have never broken it, and we seem to resolve arguments rather quickly/without too much drama), when I get to the point of yelling, I tend to say things I dont mean, and regret it later.
-romance/sex (I know this doesnt matter to some couples, but this is very important to DH and I)
-Compliments/dating/flirting- I think alot of people forget to do this after they get married, but I think its really important.
-realize that your spouse is human, and is bound to make mistakes, just like *you*
-realize the grass is not always greener on the other side, just a different variety of grass. You married your spouse because you loved him/her right? Then realize every couple has issues, you dont escape them by getting divorced starting over again. Unless there are MAJOR issues, ie cheating/lying/drug alcohol addiction/etc.

Im sure Ill think of more later, but thats all Ive got for now.

 

[Anonymous]

Ditto both of missy's posts!

 

[Winks_Elf]

I can only speak from personal experience so this is what makes our marriage great as I see it.

1. Love
2. Passion
3. Respect
4. Communication
5. Friendship
6. Compassion
7. Good sense of humor
8. Being a team and being each other's soft place to fall when things get tough
9. Being a good listener to each other- really hearing what the other is saying
10. When arguing working to find a solution and not caring about who is right or wrong but what you can do to solve the issue for the both of you.



To name a few
and not in any particular order

I agree, but would change that order:

1. Love, friendship and respect. It's very difficult to have one without the others.
2. Patience
3. A really good sense of humor
4. Communication
5. Being able to fight and get past it without fear that the man you're fighting with is going to walk out if he doesn't like what he hears.
6. No name calling. That's just cruel.
7. Forgiveness.

 

[rhbgirl24]

Seperate bathrooms.

I'm not joking!

We've been together going on 15 years, married for working on 2. It takes a lot of communication and acceptance, love and caring.

 

[missy]

Seperate bathrooms.

I'm not joking!

We've been together going on 15 years, married for working on 2. It takes a lot of communication and acceptance, love and caring.

I agree with this too. We have always had separate bathrooms and I am thankful for that. It is definitely a plus if you can swing it.

 

[tyty333]

And seperate closets! Remember this when you have a house built!

 

[tyty333]

Oh, and a heaping dish of tolerance!

 

[asymons412]

Seperate bathrooms.

I'm not joking!

We've been together going on 15 years, married for working on 2. It takes a lot of communication and acceptance, love and caring.

I have to agree with this too! I only live with my SO, but having my own bathroom is WONDERFUL; we don't have to clean up after eachothers' messes, we have a place for privacy... it's just one of those things you need. Prevents a lot of arguing!

 

[Pandora II]

My parents have been married for 40 years this year and are still crazy about each other so I had great role models. Their advice to their children was to make sure that their spouse was also their best friend.

I'm lucky that my husband is very much my best friend and vice-versa. We would rather spend time together than with any other person (heck, on his stag-do (6 days in Belarus), he rang me on day 2 to say how sad I wasn't there too as it would be much more fun )

So, for me it's the following:

1) friendship.
2) communication.
3) love & affection.
4) mutual respect.
5) mutual support and being each other's greatest fan.
6) shared values (I also think coming from similar backgrounds in terms of socio-economic/education/aspirations makes things a lot, lot easier).
7) similar personalities (DH and I are both introverts with a lot of hobbies so living together is very easy. One of the biggest issues in my sister's unhappy marriage is that her husband is like DH and me, whereas she's an extrovert with no hobbies who needs to be entertained 24/7).
shared ambitions and aspirations.
9) romance (for us, passion and sex are not high on the agenda - 2 year-olds do this to you - but the little gestures that make you know that your partner finds you attractive and desirable and that you are loved and appreciated make a huge amount of happiness and contentment in a way that a couple of hours swinging from the chandeliers doesn't).
10) wanting to be the best 'you' that you can be for the other person.

(DH's grandparents just celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary last week!)

 

[Autumnovember]

Re:

Some of my random thoughts (Some things could go without saying but I'll say them anyway):

-- Remain friends with your husband. It's not always about passion. Yes, that's great, but I think it's important to continue your friendship too.

THIS!!!

 

[HollyS]

1) respect for your spouse

2) respect for your spouse

3) respect for your spouse

4) see above



You can have shared interests. Common goals. Cute kids. Good friends. Great paying jobs. A house to die for. But those won't make a good marriage, although many people stay in bad marriages because of them.

All the good parts of a relationship boil down to mutual respect. It is the foundation. It colors everything you say and do within your marriage.

It helps prevent 'misunderstandings' and 'miscommunication'.

It curbs your ability to be self-serving and self-righteous.

And NOTHING is more important than curbing your ability to be self-serving and self-righteous. . . if you want a long and happy marriage.

 

[Haven]

1) respect for your spouse
2) respect for your spouse
3) respect for your spouse
4) see above

You can have shared interests. Common goals. Cute kids. Good friends. Great paying jobs. A house to die for. But those won't make a good marriage, although many people stay in bad marriages because of them.

All the good parts of a relationship boil down to mutual respect. It is the foundation. It colors everything you say and do within your marriage.

It helps prevent 'misunderstandings' and 'miscommunication'.

It curbs your ability to be self-serving and self-righteous.

And NOTHING is more important than curbing your ability to be self-serving and self-righteous. . . if you want a long and happy marriage.

Can I get an amen?

 

[lilyfoot]

respect, friendship, love.

rinse and repeat

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

The ability to hear and to listen.

cheers--Sharon

 

[Miss Sparkly]

My vote goes to Sex. Why? I only have sex with the person that I love, respect and cherish. It's one of the first things to go when the going gets tough. To be able to keep that part of a marriage alive takes a lot of work and shows just how invested in the marriage a person is. It's so easy to walk by each other on the way to work and say "I love you". It's not so easy to put your life aside for a few moments to remind the person your with that you love them, cherish them and find them wildly attractive. So, my vote goes to Sex. And because it's the only fun type of exercise I've found!

 

[Allison D.]

1) respect for your spouse

2) respect for your spouse

3) respect for your spouse

4) see above

You can have shared interests. Common goals. Cute kids. Good friends. Great paying jobs. A house to die for. But those won't make a good marriage, although many people stay in bad marriages because of them.

All the good parts of a relationship boil down to mutual respect. It is the foundation. It colors everything you say and do within your marriage.

It helps prevent 'misunderstandings' and 'miscommunication'.

It curbs your ability to be self-serving and self-righteous.

And NOTHING is more important than curbing your ability to be self-serving and self-righteous. . . if you want a long and happy marriage.[/quote]

ABSOLUTELY, emphatically agree. Mutual respect tinges everything else.

It's what makes us try harder even when we're frustrated. It's what makes us willing to spend time working things out and communicating. It's what keeps us from saying terrible things to each other in heated moments that we don't really mean. It tames how we speak to each other, and it helps us each to prioritize the other's happiness.

It makes it easier to really rejoice in each other's successes. It's what drives our passion and love for each other. It's what lets us treat each other as we want to be treated ourselves.

Nothing will build resentments more quickly than a perceived lack of respect from one's partner.

 

[Dancing Fire]

two main reasons for a divorce...affair and money

#1...don't go having an affair.well,if you do don't get caught...
#2...don't talk about money.

 

[swingirl]

Respect, best friends, romance, —— all good attributes. But...

In my opinion, the most important thing is NOT to ignore red flags and gut feelings when you are dating. You can't make a marriage last when you married the wrong person from the get go. Most people I know who are divorced have said the signs were there very early on but they chose to ignore them hoping things would get better.

 

[monarch64]

I can say it in one word: acceptance.

I don't think it's all about love, or respect, or romance...I think it's about a mutual acceptance of each person on the other's behalf. How you get there is all up to you, separately.

A lot has been written about the art of maintaining a marriage, or even a long-standing relationship. I am of the belief that it all hinges on each party accepting, REALLY accepting, the other person involved in the relationship. As long as you both have that, the relationship is sustainable.

Edited to add: I think some folks use the word "respect" as I use the word "acceptance." So forgive me for the repetition. I just had it drilled into my head (almost literally) in my first marriage that "respect" was key, so I prefer now to use "acceptance" since it can have (in my mind, anyway) a softer, gentler connotation which to me is more fitting with the concept of marriage.

 

[pancake]

Our marriage is only 11 months old but we try to look after it as well as we can - both of us agree on it always being a work in progress, no matter how happy we are (which, currently, is very!).

A few things:

- Each partner is given room to make mistakes
- We always try to treat each other with respect
- We talk issues out right at the start when they are still small, so that they don't get bigger (this is easy for me as I am one of those hopeless "externalisers", whereas my husband
- We make sure to enjoy each other's strengths and work on living with the weaknesses

One of the main things we really believe in is that relationships are a choice for those involved. One of our wedding vows was to choose each other every day, and we take that one really seriously!

Okay, now I just sound gross and nauseating.

 

[missy]

It takes a lot to make a good marriage and all the qualities mentioned are important. They are all necessary but by themselves not sufficient as it is a complex formula that makes a marriage successful and if you have the right mix it will all work very well but if an ingredient (or 2 or 3 etc) is missing it will be a more difficult and perhaps unsuccessful journey. Some are more important than others and it is an individual preference of course.

So perhaps I am just stating the obvious but since the OP asked the question I wanted to add this. You can have the utmost respect for your spouse (a critical ingredient as we all agree) but if you do not love him a lot it will not work. Just as an example.
I mean, I respect a lot of people but do not want to be married to them, KWIM?

So while I totally agree with all the posts here I just wanted to add that it is not one ingredient that makes a marriage successful but a whole array of them that are necessary for a happy and loving marriage. IMO.

 

[Pandora II]

My vote goes to Sex. Why? I only have sex with the person that I love, respect and cherish. It's one of the first things to go when the going gets tough. To be able to keep that part of a marriage alive takes a lot of work and shows just how invested in the marriage a person is. It's so easy to walk by each other on the way to work and say "I love you". It's not so easy to put your life aside for a few moments to remind the person your with that you love them, cherish them and find them wildly attractive. So, my vote goes to Sex. And because it's the only fun type of exercise I've found!

I would find it very worrying if a marriage was based on this. If your partner was in an accident or on a medication that drastically reduced their libido or suffered from impotence etc would that ruin your marriage? My mother has Multiple Sclerosis and I can't imagine considering the amount of pain and disability she has that my parent's sex-life is exactly wild these days.

I guess I speak from the viewpoint of someone who totally went off the idea of DTD while I was pregnant - not withstanding being told not to because of bleeding - and wasn't exactly keen following a traumatic forceps delivery. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times in the last 2.5 years - yet neither of us are unhappy nor is our marriage in any kind of trouble. Not a day goes by without my husband making me feel utterly adored.

To me, affection outside the bedroom is worth much more than that inside.

 

[Allison D.]

You can have the utmost respect for your spouse (a critical ingredient as we all agree) but if you do not love him a lot it will not work. Just as an example.
I mean, I respect a lot of people but do not want to be married to them, KWIM?

I guess I'd point out that nearly all people who enter marriage together would say they love each other a lot......and yet nearly half of those unions end in divorce. Love doesn't override the fact that people do have differences that amplify when you live under a roof together, and if you can't find a way to work out differences respectfully, the union won't survive.

I'd guarantee that telling my husband to stop being such a slob (disrespectful) would be a whole ton less well received than saying "would you give me a hand cleaning up after dinner?" and saying "Thank you" when he does.

Love can die very quickly if you don't treat each other well.

 

[rubybeth]

I kind of glossed over reading all of these so my response is not influenced by what others wrote. I've only been married for a little while (coming up on 3 years in August), but when I think of having a happy/good marriage, here's what comes to mind:

Don't expect your partner/spouse to MAKE you happy. It's your job to do things to take care of your satisfaction (exercise, hang out with friends, enjoy hobbies). I think it's so silly to expect one person to fulfill your every need and your entire satisfaction in life. I get satisfaction from my job, friends, hobbies, etc. and that enriches my marriage.

It's not always going to be 50/50. Sometimes one partner will do more 'work' in the marriage, be it making the home run smoothly or supporting the other partner while they go through a tough time. Be willing to do more than your 'half' of the work, and do it cheerfully.

Address mental health issues as early as possible. People end up self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, affairs, become workaholics and all sorts of things instead of working on their real issues. There's no shame in regular solo or couples counseling to work on yourself.

Don't complain about your spouse to others. Just don't. It bugs me when I hear people dragging down their spouses. It shows a lack of respect and really erodes trust, among other things. It opens your marriage up to criticism/gossip, which isn't healthy. We all make mistakes, but we don't need to air our partner's mistakes for general consumption. If you have a general concern about your spouse, address it with the only person who can do anything to change it: your spouse.

Make time for each other, and be protective of that time. I never commit to plans without checking with my husband, and he does the same. This way we don't get roped into events or functions that one of us will hate, and we have that time to just be with each other.

Learn your spouse's love language and speak it regularly. It sounds lame but it's so true. I use the love languages with others in my life, like my sister who is totally a "word of affirmation" girl and will glow all day because of one compliment. My DH knows my love language and I know his, and we can let each other know if our "love tanks" are getting low.

 

[katamari]

Be totally transparent about your intentions and wishes.
Remember that you are playing for the same team.
Be friends.
Be respectful of your partners' family, interests, and friends.
Realize that carrying more than your weight all the time is as harmful as carrying less than your weight.
Hold your partner to the same standards you hold yourself to.