What makes for a good, long-lasting marriage?

[rosetta]

Don't know. Don't even have a clue.

Not married yet!

But I hope we make it.

Ask me in 20 years or so.

 

[Dancing Fire]

My vote goes to Sex. Why? I only have sex with the person that I love, respect and cherish. It's one of the first things to go when the going gets tough. To be able to keep that part of a marriage alive takes a lot of work and shows just how invested in the marriage a person is. It's so easy to walk by each other on the way to work and say "I love you". It's not so easy to put your life aside for a few moments to remind the person your with that you love them, cherish them and find them wildly attractive. So, my vote goes to Sex. And because it's the only fun type of exercise I've found!

I would find it very worrying if a marriage was based on this. If your partner was in an accident or on a medication that drastically reduced their libido or suffered from impotence etc would that ruin your marriage? My mother has Multiple Sclerosis and I can't imagine considering the amount of pain and disability she has that my parent's sex-life is exactly wild these days.

To me, affection outside the bedroom is worth much more than that inside.

Viagra...

 

[junebug17]

All of these attributes that people are giving - love, respect, understanding, kindness, communication, friendship, sense of humor, making time for each other, affection etc. - are really important, but to me the most important thing is having all of these in your relationship BEFORE getting married. If they're not, chances are they're not going to magically appear after marriage. It's possible, but not probable and there will most likely be problems. Marriage can be hard, and can be strained and tested during times of crisis, so a good foundation from the get-go is key.

 

[sonnyjane]

My vote goes to Sex. Why? I only have sex with the person that I love, respect and cherish. It's one of the first things to go when the going gets tough. To be able to keep that part of a marriage alive takes a lot of work and shows just how invested in the marriage a person is. It's so easy to walk by each other on the way to work and say "I love you". It's not so easy to put your life aside for a few moments to remind the person your with that you love them, cherish them and find them wildly attractive. So, my vote goes to Sex. And because it's the only fun type of exercise I've found!

I would find it very worrying if a marriage was based on this. If your partner was in an accident or on a medication that drastically reduced their libido or suffered from impotence etc would that ruin your marriage? My mother has Multiple Sclerosis and I can't imagine considering the amount of pain and disability she has that my parent's sex-life is exactly wild these days.

To me, affection outside the bedroom is worth much more than that inside.

Viagra...

I'm fairly certain you were just making a joke, but my husband has been in the military for almost 10 years and has been unfortunate enough to know several couples that have been strained due to the fact that the service member suffered an injury in combat that resulted in impotence/the inability to have sex. Their injuries are not something that can be solved by Viagra because of the physical damage done to the area. These are young couples too - many people prepare for a slowing sex life in their 60's, etc., but not in their 20's or 30's. If sex is the driving force of the marriage, those couples would surely be doomed!

I know that my husband, because of his military affiliation, is gone more than he is home. We have done the math and I see him approximately 90 days out of the year. Since he is out of the country (or at least the state) for the other 275 days, it's a bit difficult to have sex Therefore, for us at least, sex is at the bottom of the list of important things. We are just great buddies that respect and love each other and so far that's been enough.

 

[mary poppins]

Well, my parents were not a good example of a happy marriage - divorced after almost 17 years of misery for a number of reasons. So before DH and I got married I asked his parents, who have been happily married for almost 50 years, what advice they had for us. FIL and MIL agreed that the basis for their happy marriage is that they always put the other first. DH and took the advice to hear and It's working for us very well so far. Also, DH says one of the things he likes about our relationship most is that he never has to wonder what I'm thinking because I tell him - no games, manipulation, hinting or withholding. That boils down to communication.

I think all of the other important factors mentioned by prior poster result from the two I mentioned here. Put the other first and communicate directly and effectively.

 

[Pandora II]

All of these attributes that people are giving - love, respect, understanding, kindness, communication, friendship, sense of humor, making time for each other, affection etc. - are really important, but to me the most important thing is having all of these in your relationship BEFORE getting married. If they're not, chances are they're not going to magically appear after marriage. It's possible, but not probable and there will most likely be problems. Marriage can be hard, and can be strained and tested during times of crisis, so a good foundation from the get-go is key.

My mother always told us that if the relationship wasn't pretty darn perfect and there was nothing we wanted to change about our SO when we accepted the proposal then we had no business accepting the proposal as any issues get bigger after marriage and 100x bigger after kids.

Having had a baby I can say that I wouldn't want to do it without an equal partner who was 100% on board - it's hard enough work without any other issues.

 

[missy]

Allison D. wrote:
Love can die very quickly if you don't treat each other well.

Yes, agreed. However love can die for many other reasons. There is more than one critical factor in making a successful marriage as reading about all the experiences of the other posters here prove. Having respect is necessary for a good marriage but not sufficient. You need to have many other qualities including love, friendship, communication, humor, compassion, passion, etc. I especially like mary poppins's contribution of putting the other one first. We always try to do that and I agree it is important.

My point is that there is no one single most important factor that without all the others would make the marriage work. You need them all or at least many of them. The more good you have in the marriage the stronger the marriage is and the more the marriage can withstand in times of hardship. If any of you are familiar with the Gottman book 7 principles of highly effective relationships (the title is something like that) he says that if you have more positive in your marriage you can deal with the negative times more effectively.

And I agree with Junebug and Pandora, if all the important qualities you need are not present while dating it will not magically appear when you get married. You can learn most of what you need when in a relationship before you get married if you take your time getting to know your SO. Most of the answers are there.

 

[Jennifer W]

All the good, sensible advice about respect, tolerance, communication etc is probably true, it just that it isn't relevant particularly to my experience of marriage. That all sounds a bit too formal and grown up to describe anything J and I have together. Sometimes we're mean to each other, we're snarky, we're out right rude occasionally, we call each other names, we're childish and lazy. We're both perfectly selfish people, we aren't respectful of each other, particularly. We certainly aren't romantic.

We are 100% in love though, and have been from the day we met, 14 years ago. We're a sort of weird and slightly disturbing mesh of two people now, a continuation of each other. It's like he isn't an entirely separate person anymore, but just an additional part of me (and vice versa). It isn't a divorce I'd need to get rid of him, it's more like surgery... Our relationship is fun and easy. When we had a baby, that was fun too. If you have any issues at all however minor in your relationship, from what I've read here on PS, having a baby will bring them into sharp focus for you.

I think the point of it for me is that you can do whatever you want in your own marriage, but with only one proviso - that you married the right person in the first place. We've weathered a fair few storms in our marriage - miscarriage, health issues, grief and a few other hard times, but we've never had to question the actual relationship.

Basically, my advice (take it or leave it) would be to marry someone you adore who will see it as their responsibility to give you as nice a life as possible (and I don't mean materially - that's your own responsibility).

 

[confusedaisy]

Don't know. Don't even have a clue.

Not married yet!

But I hope we make it.

Ask me in 20 years or so.

This is exactly how I feel