what to do about rehearsal dinner and silence from FI''s folks

[janinegirly]

let me preface this by saying I may be overreacting since I''m in the thick of plannign and therefore everything wedding related seems like it needs to be worked on asap in my mind. I only have 2.5 mo''s till our wedding, so it''s crunch time!

FI''s parents have said (or told him) they''re ok with taking care of the rehearsal dinner. But i haven''t been approached by them..and have no idea if they''ve booked something or if they''re looking into things. When I mention it to FI, he seems so reluctant to talk about it. I suggested maybe I could call his mom (about other stuff not RD) so she and I could get used to talking to each other directly (without going through FI), but he seems to not want to do that. I think he thinks I''ll overwhelm her with wedding stuff. But the reality is they haven''t had to be involved at all and it''s been 100% me and my folks. Basically it''s like FI doesn''t want me to bother them with this. But it''s 2.5 mos away and I NEED feedback from others and can''t do it all alone.

I''ve read that RD invites usually go out a few weeks after invites which would be about 4 wks from now. It seems like a good idea that we at least provide his mom with a guestlist and have an idea where it''s being hosted or if some locations have been found OR even been looked into. I don''t know what to do though. I gave FI a guestlist since he was home this wkend but he says he didnt show it to his mom. What should I do? Am I asking too much?

 

[sumbride]

It sounds like your FI may be projecting his "don''t want to be bothered" attitude onto his mom. I bet she''d LOVE to hear from you! Why don''t you give her a call about "something else" and then transition into wedding talk. My FMIL wants me to call her all the time, but since I don''t want to talk to her, I send everything through FI. You''ve been going through FI, but since HE doesn''t want to talk about it, he''s not relaying the message. Go straight to her. You need to! It''s crunch time!!!

 

[cara]

Why is your FI so reluctant to talk over logistics with his parents? Do they have a strained relationship? Is there some astronomical difference in social position or customs between your family and his that he is worried about? Does he feel guilty for asking them to host the rehearsal dinner? I think we need some context for why your FI is acting this way before advising how to proceed.

In short, though, this is really ridiculous if his parents are normal adults. Its gracious for them to have volunteered to host, but you do need to either prod them into action if they have arranged nothing yet, and coordinate the invitations with them. At the very least, you are allowed to casually ask how the rehearsal planning is going.

 

[janinegirly]

i agree but i don''t want to step on toes. i''ve never called FI''s mom before and I at least need him to be ok with it. I already have an passive FI, I don''t want an angry-passive FI

i have no idea why FI is so reluctant. my honest opnion is that he doesn''t want his parents to spend money on this stuff. Nevermind that my folks are spending tens of thousands! i''m just so tired of having to sweetly prod and ask questions. sorry, feeling a little frustrated today.

update: i called fi to ask him to call his mom. he said he would. i told him my tentative guestlist for us..and he seemed annoyed that my sister might bring a bf, etc. then i mentioned that we might have to say a few words of thanks at the RD and he said he''s never seen that (admittedly I''ve never been to a RD). The kicker is when he told me he''s never seen a father give a toast at the wedding! I mean it''s enough to make me want to pull my hair out!
thanks for listening girls..it''s one of those days!

 

[Independent Gal]

Just to say "I hear ya". And I don't think you should talk to his mom yourself, because there could be dynamics going on you don't know about.

E.g., my parents were expecting his parents to help out some (same kind of situation, they're kicking in 10's of 1000's, and FI and I are kicking in 1000's, and why should the bride's parents shoulder it all in this day and age anyway?), and FI was very reluctant to even broach the subject with his folks. But now I know why: when he finally did gently raise the subject with lots of "Absolutely no NEED for help... anything you contribute would be a wonderful GIFT" etc etc, it caused a total familiy melt-down. I don't really understand the dynamics completely. They appear to be complicated and to have little to do with our wedding. All I know is, 2 days of marathon skype sessions with his extremely upset sister and apparently bewildered parents later, I will never, ever attempt to navigate THOSE shoals on my own!

Your FI probably knows best how to handle his folks.

The key thing to remember is, if there's no rehearsal dinner, so be it! Or if the invites are late, so be it! Much more important is starting out on the right foot with FMIL.

 

[piccolascimmia]

I hope you get this worked out. And, not sure if my FI''s comments about our RD might be a guy thing, but he was worried about his father (or family) having to speak/toast at the dinner. He was concerned that they would feel uncomfortable about speaking in front of everyone, and adamantly said a few times protectively that there''d be no speeches (I personally think others can toast if they want, but I don''t care one way or another). I''m not certain if its because English isn''t their first language, or just because he doesn''t want them to feel put out. Perhaps there''s a shade of this in your FI/parents?

And ditto what IG says...I''m now 60 days away and freaking out about details. But I talk myself off the ledge by saying my equivalent of ''so be it'' (if it doesn''t happen, it wasn''t meant to happen, and no need to feel bound by traditions/expectations that you don''t have any connection to).

Good luck!

 

[Independent Gal]

In terms of ''so be it!'' maybe this will inspire you.

A friend of mine got married and I was in the bridal party. We were all just finishing up getting our hair done when a frantic call came in from the people hosting the reception that the chairs showed no sign of arriving any time soon.

Cause for panic? I suppose it could be. But my friend said "OK, if there are no chairs, then we''ll stand! So be it!" And went back to chilling with her bm''s.

The chairs did arrive eventually and all was well. She was glad she didn''t let that ruin her ''cool'' on her wedding day for nothing. All I could think was ''I want to be THAT kind of bride!''

So let that be a lesson to ALL of us. Most stuff really doesn''t matter. If you end up inviting people orally a few days before the rehearsal dinner, it''s not something anyone will really fuss about going forward, right? I mean unless your people are very formal in the etiquette department.

This is THEIR party, so if they want to make it happen they will. It''s not your responsibility, when it comes down to it, right? So I''d just build a mental box for it, put it in there and lock it, and deal with stuff that is within your control.

Which is not to say I don''t get why you''re upset! Just that you have ENOUGH to be worried about without being worried about things that are essentially beyond your control.

 

[zoebartlett]

I''m sorry this is so awkward for you!

My FI''s parents'' offer was very vague: "Let us know what you need." My FI doesn''t want to ask his parents what exactly this offer means. Is it "we''ll help stuff invites" or "we''ll host the RD" or "we''ll pay for _________." I think my FI should be the one to talk to his parents.

I agree with Sumbride: I also think that calling to talk about something else wedding related and then transitioning to the topic at hand would be something that I''d probably do if I was in your situation.

 

[labbielove]

Janine,
Similar situation here- FILs are paying for the RD, but in the beginning they were like "tell us how much $ you need for it" so we planned it out, gave them the $ amount and they sent a check

We''re doing the invites, arrangements,etc.

We will make a toast to them the night of to thank them for hosting,etc.

If I were you I would ask FI if maybe the both of you could speak to his mom, that way the door is open for you to deal with her directly. Sounds like they might have intended for you to do arrangements, they pay (since they''re silent about it).

ETA: just thought - you better find out- what if their silence means they''ve planned/arranged something already and didn''t run it by you?? not likely, but you never know

 

[Kit]

Janine,

My sympathies. It sounds like a tricky situation and I hope it works out for you--and soon! My FI last night was looking at at mock up of our STDs and invites, and was like "We''re getting married," all wide-eyed as if this was the first time it had occurred to him.

So, men can just be weird about this stuff IMO. Who knows why he is being all weird about you calling your future in laws. But eventually you''ll have to talk to them yourself over the course of your marriage, right? And I mean, the RD invites need to go out in 4 weeks, so your FI needs to sh*t or get off the pot, ya know? Maybe just take a totally rational, logistical approach to this like, hey--this has got to get done!

Good luck.

 

[janinegirly]

thanks kit! yea my FI has def had many "weird guy moments". Like when i told him we had 90 days left he went pale. (to me 90 days was long). And we went to ballroom dance lessons last night, and he was just spacing out and said he didn''t realize we''d be learning a big formal dance (what did he think ballroom dance lessons were??). He normalized a bit more once things settled and he felt more comfortable. But i''ve just come to adjust to his lack of effort. In the past when I brought it up, he just said weddings aren''t his thing and he thinks he''s being supportive by letting me call the shots. I wish it was different and this was romantic journey for both of us (planning "our" day), but I can''t change him! Sometimes i analyze it and get frustrated, but honestly with 2.5 mo''s to go, i have to just let it go and move on with my planning!

FI did call his mom yesterday and she said she was looking into locations. So that''s good, but it seems the passiveness runs in the family! She also told FI she''d never heard of/seen RD invitations. How''re people supposed to know where they''re going? This is a pretty common theme with FI--he likes to be laid back about this stuff..which is fine, but seems to think "oh we don''t need to worry b/c everyone knows what they need to do". Well, OK, that may be the case, but you STILL need to talk to them to communicate what/where things are! He''s had that response with tuxes, invitations (when I needed addresses), booking rooms from block for wedding party, rerhearsal dinner etc. Anyway, I''m plugging ahead. MY FI is wonderful in many ways despite me venting alot--but just bit overwhelmed! thanks for listening..

 

[Kit]

Oh my goodness. And for all his laid-backness and apparent denial about the wedding day, for all you know he''ll be a crying mess or something day-of. Men are so unpredictable! I feel like if you and I could get a happy medium between our two FIs we''d be happy. My FI is so in to planning it''s difficult to get things done. He told me last night he needs more time to decide what our wedding website domain name is going to be.

I was like, can''t we just get this out of the way? And he was all, I don''t like being rushed. I don''t even want to tell you what the registering process is going to be like. He is just super in to all the details of the wedding, so much so that each decision needs to be a joint one because we both are equally invested. I know that sounds good to you now, but sometimes a little unilateralism is nice too!

Grass is always greener, right?

 

[Independent Gal]

Come to think of it, I have never got a formal invitation to a rehearsal dinner. In my experience, it''s been word of mouth, someone calls or e-mails and says ''We''re meeting at X restaurant at 8pm''.

Is this a geographic difference, maybe?

 

[firebirdgold]

Do his parents have email? I found it easier to start emailing his mother about little things and working up from there. It''s less awkward than just starting a random phone call, at least to me.

The rehearsal invites must be a regional thing. I''ve never heard of them before. I always thought that if you''re in the bridal party or maybe the spouse/so of someone in the bridal party you just sort of assume you''re going to the rehearsal dinner. And that the particulars are word of mouth.
Also you fils are probably not worrying too much about it yet. They may be figuring that all the have to do is make a large dinner reservation at a hotel or restaurant.

 

[akw94]

Hi Janine,
Sorry to hear the RD planning is a bit tough. I think it''s a good sign that your FI called his mom and at least got some info. Have they decided where they will have it yet?
We''re having actual invitations to our RD too. In fact, I didn''t realize people didn''t have them. I think it''s important when people are out of town or you''re inviting more than just bridal party. But I think you have time for the invitations part of it. I''m waiting until I get more rsvp''s back b/c I''m only sending them to those that have rsvp''d.

Maybe you can offer to help his parents if they need it. Perhaps an email offering help might be ok or telling FI to tell his parents?
Although my dad is hosting ours, I''m doing the invitations and that''s mainly b/c I want to be sure they get done and are done on a timely basis. I suppose that''s the controlling part of me that I just can''t get rid of!

 

[zoebartlett]

I thought RD invites were a standard thing but I guess they''re regional. I live in the northeast and for rehearsal dinners that I''ve been invited to, the invites always were formal invitations sent by regular mail. They''ve always been hosted by the groom''s family, although with ours, we will most likely do all the planning. I''m going to ask my FMIL if she''d be willing to take care of sending out the invitations and keeping track of replies. I''m not even sure she knows this is traditionally done by the groom''s parents, but I''ll ask her to take care of that.

 

[iheartscience]

I''m glad to hear there''s movement on the rehearsal dinner! I would be stressing at 2.5 months out, too! Sometimes laid back people are just a little *too* laid back! Maybe you could start with e-mailing your FMIL, just to break the ice in general and get to know her a bit more. It''s definitely less awkward for me to e-mail my FMIL than it is to talk on the phone to her! And if it helps you in getting details on the rehearsal dinner, so be it!

I also have to join the vent about my boyfriend''s similar lack of communication to his parents about our wedding! I''m in the "why do my parents have to pay for everything?!" boat and his mom actually asked him outright what we would need (money-wise) for the wedding and said that she''ll have to talk to his father (they''re divorced) about helping out, too.

So she offered to contribute and everything and now he''s being weird and completely dragging his feet about calling up his own mother and asking her about what she can contribute/wants to pay for, etc. AARGH! It''s killing me! I''m just waaaaay too straight forward for that! Especially with my own parents! I''m glad there are a lot of other people who seem to be in the same boat as me!