What to do with jewellery gift you don't like?

[sirbenson]

My fiance's mother gave me a very sentimental gift that I was so surprised about and appreciative of. She gave me a ring of diamonds and sapphires that her mother gave her when my finace was born. She gave it to me on boxing day and explained that it could be my "something old" and "something blue" for when I get married this year. I've never received anything sentimental like that from my own mom so I was really shocked and it made me feel really welcome into their family. She didn't even save it for her own daughter (who is my age but nowhere near getting married soon)!

BUT....I don't particularily like the ring. I love the sentimentality of it but I don't like the style enough to wear. Ironically, it fits me perfectly on the ring finger of my right hand. She did imply that I could keep it because she told me not to be worried about wearing it because it is insured and then after I get married I could insure it myself.

My fiance's parents live away from us and we only see them about 5 times a year. I'm not sure if I'm expected to wear the ring when we see them. I'm not sure if she expects me to wear it on my wedding day but its REALLY not my style and I'd rather not wear it on my wedding day. Maybe I could sew it into my dress or bouqet?

What would you do?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Obviously this ring means something to your FI's family...a big something. It's sentimental and very, very kind of her to gift it to you--things like this warm my heart.

Here is my honest opinion---take it or leave it, your choice, but this is exactly what I would do...

Wear it. Wear it proudly on your wedding day and love it for what it means, not because it's your favorite piece of jewelry. You don't have to make it a RHR thats a daily driver, it can be for the wedding only and you could always reset when you have children of your own, carrying on the tradition and the sentiment. But for the sake of one day, I think NOT wearing it would be hurtful.

I don't think you should feel obligated to wear it every time you see them, and as you get older and more comfortable you could always approach your MIL about her feelings when it comes to resetting the ring, but in the end it would be your choice.

In this case, I feel sentiment outweighs style.

 

[lulu]

It was a very generous and loving gesture. I would wear it for your wedding and whenever you see her.

 

[kenny]

If you like it wear it.
If not, don't.

I think it's better in the long run to be honest and authentic with people, especially those you are stuck with for life.
Then the relationships are more likely to be real and meaningful instead of polite and shallow.

 

[LGK]

Any way you could wear it on a necklace on your wedding day? Or stack it with a ring you do like, so it's less obtrusive? I am thinking you will probably offend them if you don't find a way to include it fairly visibly, unfortunately. I've never been in that situation- I am really particular about the style of jewelry too, but I don't know if there's a way you could avoid wearing it really, on your wedding day anyway. I'd probably put it on my right hand, stack something else with it (even costume if you have to) try not to look at it and call it good. (Least it's not something worse, like the veil from hell or something, I guess!)

After that, maybe ask her if she wants it back (since it sounds like she wasn't 100% clear that it was a forever gift?) and if she wants you to have it, break it out when you visit, at least sometimes. Maybe on a necklace or something. It was a *really* sweet gesture, and who knows- maybe you'll grow to like it in later years, or future children will.

I think if it were any relative but your future mother in law, sure- just be up front and say "Oh thank you SO much but I have my jewelry all picked out already!" or whatever. But a fairly small gesture like this could go a long way to making for a good future relationship with your MIL, and it could conversely be a distaster if you make a fuss. However you *do* know the people involved best, and maybe you're already close enough with her to not worry about it being taken wrong. I would be a bit worried about that though. If it were a more important piece of jewelry like an engagement ring maybe it'd be worth it, but a RHR? Nah!

 

[Kaleigh]

What to do?? Include it somehow on your wedding day. If you don't their feelings will be hurt. I wouldn't tie such a sentimental ring to a bouquet, it could get lost. Wearing it on your right hand makes the most sense to me.. I wouldn't sew it into your dress, again, an heirloom could be lost.. She didn't give it to her daughter, but gave it to you. Honor that in what ever way you can...

 

[Gypsy]

Take a picture and let's see it.

You can have the pieces re-set into a band or something depending on what it looks like and then wear it.

 

[E B]

I would wear it on your right hand on your wedding day. It sounds like it'd mean a lot to your FMIL.

 

[LGK]

Oh! Here's another thought if it's a ring that has a fairly plain band, you could "accidentally" let it flip around backwards on your finger before the ceremony, photos or whatever. If it's an eternity band, nevermind!

 

[VRBeauty]

I imagine that your MIL conceived of the idea of someday passing this ring on to her son's fiance on the day she received it. It's a wonderful gesture and sentiment. Personally I'd either wear it as a RHR ring or tie/sew it securely to the wedding bouquet, and wear it occasionally until it's time to pass it on to the next recipient.

You might also ask your fiance (or better yet a FSIL if there are any) whether your FMIL ever wore this ring regularly. If not, or if not recently, chances are she wouldn't expect you to wear it regularly either.

 

[Lula]

I've been married for many years. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful relationship with both my MIL and FIL. The fact that she thought enough of you to give you the ring to wear and tell you the story behind it is touching. You are very lucky -- just talk to brides who do not have good relationships with their in-laws and you'll realize how very lucky you are. Wear the ring on your right hand, make sure the photographer gets photos of you wearing it, and wear it proudly. You won't regret it. I say this as someone who lost my dear FIL last year and my MIL to Alzheimer's. I would give anything to have them in our lives again -- the years go by just too fast.

After the wedding, you can decide to return the ring to her (not advisable, imo); re-set the stones into another piece; keep it to hand down to your children, etc. To risk offending her or hurting her feelings by not wearing it on your wedding day is just not worth it. You don't want to send that message to your MIL, trust me.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I agree with the others, you really should wear it on your wedding day. It was a loving gesture that she has probably been thinking
about since her son was a baby. Someday, when you have your own kids, it will all make sense to you. I couldn't understand why
my MIL had such a hard time letting go of her son, (at all of 20 years old), until I had my own. One day, I was driving with him
in his little car seat, and it hit me.

It may not be your style now, but as you get older you may like it more. Or maybe someday, you will be able to reset it. But I can
guarantee you, if you wear it on your wedding day, you will never be sorry. The loving gesture you make will pay great dividends to
you in the long run. You will confirm all the wonderful feelings your MIL has about you now.

Please post a picture so we can all tell you how beautiful the ring is. It will make you feel better about it.

 

[Winks_Elf]

My advice may be very different than what anyone else here would tell you, but this is coming from a 41-year-old woman who absolutely adores her MIL and does have family heirlooms from my husband's late father, so please take it with a grain of salt and a spoonful of sugar. While my husband and I were divorced, those pieces were mostly returned to him, but two of them were tucked away in a safe for our children.

Do not tell anyone in your family (that means hubby-to-be's side as well!) that you do not like the ring. It doesn't matter if you like it or not, or if your future MIL implied that it is now yours. It is a family heirloom that was given to your MIL-2-be at a very special time of her life. She has in turn passed it along to you at a very important time in her's and her son's life, as she most likely planned on doing the moment it was presented to her at your fiance's birth. God forbid something should happen to the two of you as a couple, you will need to return that ring to him. When you have a child, the ring will pass down to him or her. It is not just a ring, it is a legacy, a tradition, a rite of passage.

If in a few years after the wedding the ring has not grown on you, and you and your then-MIL have a wonderful close relationship, brooch the subject of possibly restyling the ring into a more modern style that suites your taste more. The two of you can then research possible settings together, so that she does not feel like you are destroying a precious family heirloom. You do not want to alienate her, especially at this stage.

The bottom line is that it's not really a ring for you to mold into what you want it to be. It's a huge gesture on your future MIL's part to accept you and welcome you as her daughter. Ask yourself if it would really kill you to wear it, even if only for the ceremony, so that it is an honor to a very gracious woman, from a very gracious daughter-in-law.

On a lighter note, be grateful your future MIL is not my mother...she's not exactly a fun MIL!

 

[junebug17]

I think you should wear the ring on your wedding day. The fact that she gave this important family heirloom to you instead of her daughter is major. I think your fmil has been dreaming of this for years, and I think she will be hurt and disappointed if you don't wear it. Will it be that hard for you to wear it? I don't mean to be blunt, but I"m sort of getting a vibe that you don't like this ring. But in this case, I think it it will really enhance your relationship with your fmil if you do.

eta: I just re-read your post, and I apologize...you already admitted to not liking the ring.

 

[VRBeauty]

The bottom line is that it's not really a ring for you to mold into what you want it to be. It's a huge gesture on your future MIL's part to accept you and welcome you as her daughter. Ask yourself if it would really kill you to wear it, even if only for the ceremony, so that it is an honor to a very gracious woman, from a very gracious daughter-in-law.

Exactly! This is not merely "a jewelry gift," it is a sign that your MIL accepts you as her future DIL and says that she sees you as a trustworthy recipient of the real gift -- her son's affections and future.

Think about it...do you think that ring would have made it out of the safe deposit box if her son had chosen to marry someone that FMIL didn't like or (more importantly) trust with her son? Similarly, the ring is more than a bit of gold and a collection of stones, so wouldn't even consider re-setting it for a long, long time unless 1) you're very sure your MIL would be OK with that, or 2) your goal is to reset the stones into a ring more fitting to your style that you would be wearing very frequently. In other words, don't tread verrry lightly if your goal is just to recast that ring into a more acceptable accessory or addition to your jewelry collection.

BTW I also agree with WInksElf that your taste may change. I know mine have!

 

[Imdanny]

Judging from your post, she expects you to wear it on your wedding day (as a RHR?) so I would do that, but then I wouldn't feel obligated to wear it, just to keep it safely.

 

[Indylady]

Wear it. Wear it proudly on your wedding day and love it for what it means, not because it's your favorite piece of jewelry.

That's also what I would do.

 

[gemgirl]

It was a very generous and loving gesture. I would wear it for your wedding and whenever you see her.

I would do the same. You're lucky to have a future MIL who cares about you, seems to value you and is welcoming you into the family. Not everyone has that. Wearing the ring every now and then when you see her would be a nice thing to do.

 

[Jennifer W]

I'd wear it on the wedding day, then pass it on to you SIL to wear on her wedding day when / if she gets married. Wouldn't that be an incredibly thoughtful thing to do?

 

[qtiekiki]

The bottom line is that it's not really a ring for you to mold into what you want it to be. It's a huge gesture on your future MIL's part to accept you and welcome you as her daughter. Ask yourself if it would really kill you to wear it, even if only for the ceremony, so that it is an honor to a very gracious woman, from a very gracious daughter-in-law.

I agree with this. The ring symbolizes the birth of your fiance. So by giving you the ring, your FMIL is trusting you with her son. I would wear the ring, and wear it proud on your wedding day. I think you'll really enjoy looking back at pictures of you wearing the ring, knowing the sentimental value of it. Personally, I wouldn't reset the stones. But if you want to, then do it with an ok from MIL after the wedding.

 

[junebug17]

Just thinking out loud here...don't brides usually wear the ering on their right hand so that the wedding band can be placed on the empty left hand finger? If you had been planning on doing that, you may have a valid reason for not wearing the ring as a rhr. It was so long ago, I can't remember what I did. I may have worn my ering on the left hand and the hubs just slid the wedding band next to it.

eta: I think I would still wear the ring though, it sounds like it would mean a lot to fmil.

 

[Sizzle]

I say this from a caring place.. Wear the ring. It's a family heirloom and represents something far more then something you could be materially attracted to. I am also against restyling. No you don't have to wear it everyday, and yes it is YOUR wedding day, but seriously, there are so many things on that day that are all about you, this ring can be one of the things that is all about compromise and unity.

 

[that_someone_special]

I agree- keep it and wear it now and then. For all you know, you could fall in love with it and styles change.

If you don't see her too often, I wouldn't worry about it, but make an active effort to wear it around her now and then.

 

[rosetta]

If I was in your position, I would wear the ring, without doubt. I would wear it even if it was the fugliest thing on the planet and thank the lord my MIL is nothing like some of the witches some poor PS ladies have. Truly, some of them make cinderella's stepmother look good

This ring isn't a piece of jewellery. It's a symbolic gift and acceptance of you into the family.

Of course you could just say it's not your style and refuse to wear it, but that could turn out to be a faux pas you regret dearly later

Let us know what you decide and show us a pic if you have one!

 

[Natylad]

That was such a sweet and thoughtful gift from your MIL...it symbolizes the birth of her son and it means a lot to her...and she decided to give it to you. What a woderful gesture...
I would personally consider it a great honour to be given this ring and i'd wear it on my wedding day regardless of whether i liked it or not. In fact, i was in a similar position myself in a way. When my husband's mother met with me for the first time, she already knew that her son was planning to propose to me and after we spent just a few hours together, she took off her beloved pendant and put it around my neck...It is a sapphire set in yellow gold with a small trillion diamond, which was given to her by her own mom and it is a family heirloom. It's not at all a piece that i would choose for myself and it is also set in yellow gold contrary to all my other jewellry (including my ER, half eternity band and wedding band). Nevertheless, i had decided to wear it around my neck on my wedding day, even though everybody told me that it would look...irrelevant next to all my other pieces! Eventually, i didn't wear it, because my dear MIL herself asked me not to wear it and said that she had a reason...Well, the reason was that she wanted my neck to be free, because during the wedding reception she put around it a diamond necklace
Wear your ring on your wedding day and be proud of what it symbolizes and of yourself for deserving such a precious gift from your mom in law

 

[jewelerman]

My advise may not be the most popular and even a little harsh because i think there are many on the forum who would love to have a mother in law that seems so welcoming and warm.I would be looking for every opportunity to wear the ring when the giver is around and use the piece of jewelry as the catalyst to build a really strong relationship on.Every time you wear the ring then don't think that its not your style but it came from a person who wants to enjoy and build a future relationship with you and your future children,.Also keep in mind that the ring came from her mother and may not have been very easy to give up,but she gave it to you!You don't need to wear it all the time,but i would make a plan to wear it a few times and at least once share the story with others about its history and how you received it when she is present.I'm sure that your fiance will be happy to see you be so gracious and caring of his mothers feeling to occasionally wear the ring even though its not your style.I personally like the idea that was given earlier to wear it in a different way like on your bouquet or flowers or maybe at the rehearsal dinner instead of on the wedding day.This is a real opportunity!don't let it pass you by!

 

[TooPatient]

My advice may be very different than what anyone else here would tell you, but this is coming from a 41-year-old woman who absolutely adores her MIL and does have family heirlooms from my husband's late father, so please take it with a grain of salt and a spoonful of sugar. While my husband and I were divorced, those pieces were mostly returned to him, but two of them were tucked away in a safe for our children.

Do not tell anyone in your family (that means hubby-to-be's side as well!) that you do not like the ring. It doesn't matter if you like it or not, or if your future MIL implied that it is now yours. It is a family heirloom that was given to your MIL-2-be at a very special time of her life. She has in turn passed it along to you at a very important time in her's and her son's life, as she most likely planned on doing the moment it was presented to her at your fiance's birth. God forbid something should happen to the two of you as a couple, you will need to return that ring to him. When you have a child, the ring will pass down to him or her. It is not just a ring, it is a legacy, a tradition, a rite of passage.

If in a few years after the wedding the ring has not grown on you, and you and your then-MIL have a wonderful close relationship, brooch the subject of possibly restyling the ring into a more modern style that suites your taste more. The two of you can then research possible settings together, so that she does not feel like you are destroying a precious family heirloom. You do not want to alienate her, especially at this stage.

The bottom line is that it's not really a ring for you to mold into what you want it to be. It's a huge gesture on your future MIL's part to accept you and welcome you as her daughter. Ask yourself if it would really kill you to wear it, even if only for the ceremony, so that it is an honor to a very gracious woman, from a very gracious daughter-in-law.

On a lighter note, be grateful your future MIL is not my mother...she's not exactly a fun MIL!

This.

Wear it. Be proud.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I would wear it. It would mean SO much to her and is such a generous gift.

 

[oranges]

My opinion is definitely not popular, but I wouldn't wear it for your wedding if you really don't like it. Perhaps wear it to the rehearsal dinner or exclusively for the ceremony. I truly think that there are ways to style yourself the way you want to for your wedding while respecting your future mother in law's feelings.

*edited for a typeo

 

[packrat]

I echo the others that I would wear it. I've seen some bouquets that have brooches etc on them, from passed relatives, so if it was secure enough, you could do something like that as well. I think it would mean the world to her.

My gramma gave me a necklace to wear on my wedding day-the setting is kind of 80's looking, but it was an opal my grampa (who died when I was 14) cut, and he set it himself in the setting. Gramma was thrilled beyond measure and it made me happy to have a part of grampa there. I think your FMIL would be very pleased, and I bet your FI would too.