What to do with jewellery gift you don't like?

[Yimmers]

Well well...I had a somewhat similar dilemma not too long ago. My MIL gave me diamond studs "for everyday" wear, which, under the PS standards..well....you can take a guess. But...even though I wouldn't wear them to work, MIL really meant a lot with the gift. So, it'll get fixed and I'll wear them around her a couple of times, and if I have a daughter, give them to her.

As my husband told me, MIL-to-be must think very highly of you to entrust you with this gift. So, as others here and DH have advised me, make it a point to show her that you appreciate the gift. Having a MIL who really likes you is much better than having one pissed off at you.

Wear it on your hand for the rehearsal dinner - she will definitely notice you have it on. You can also just wear it for part of the time on your wedding day, maybe for some pictures (which will be given to her, wink wink). Then, you can wear it on occasion when you see her if you like.

I'm not sure if I'd change it up until much later down the road. Some people are a little touchy about stuff like that.

 

[sirbenson]

Wow, thanks for the all the advice!

I don't have to make my final decision for another 8 months but this have given me lots to consider. We won't be having a rehearsal dinner, so wearing it there isn't an option. Even if we had a reshearsal dinner FMIL wouldn't be there anyway to see me flash it.

I could probably convince myself to wear it on my right hand the day of the wedding to celebrate the setimentality fo the piece and to honour my FMIL . I guess I would just keep the engagement ring on my left hand and FH can slip wedding band on beside it. Fine with me. Thing is, I really don't like the gifted ring so wouldn't want to have it on in photos. I guess I could wear it for the ceremony and reception but not to have our photos done. Or like someone suggested, I could flip it around. Its not really possible for me to wear it with my e-ring as the setting bangs right into the stone and prongs of my solitaire.

As for wearing it after we get married, I really don't think I would. Its definately not my style and I also prefer to wear chunky rings on the middle finger of my right hand and wouldn't wear a ring on the ring finger as well. But that's fine, I don't think I HAVE TO wear it after we are married if I don't want to. I also liked the idea of waiting until a while after we are married if was ever to ask if I could reset the stones into something I would actually wear.

As for passing it on, FH and I don't want kids so won't be passing it on there. I could consider giving it to FSIL but maybe their mom has a ring to give her too? We'll see. I would just feel bad keeping it and never wearing it. I'm just not the type to keep jewellery because of senitmental value and have it sit in a drawer. I've sold off almost all my own childhood jewellery that I was given for baptism, communion, confirmation etc as they were totally not my style or size anymore. BUT I naturally didn't feel attached to jewellery I was given many years ago, by who knows whom, and to celebrate religious milestones of a religion I no longer practice. THIS ring is different and I DEFINATELY realize that.

Hmmmm....what happens if my own mother or grandmother give me a ring to wear on my wedding day? Then what do I do?

 

[marymm]

I am different from most folks about gifts - just because someone gives you something doesn't mean you have to use it / wear it / like it -- and you don't have to fake it. Thank them for the gift sincerely, and then you get to decide how and whether it will be used or worn or placed, whatever. It is not a gift if it comes with conditions or is not freely given.

I do understand what others are saying - it is a gift with some history to it - and there are people who feel strongly if someone gives you something and you don't like it you still wear it / display it when that person is around even if it stays buried otherwise. But take it a couple steps further - "oh here's my wedding dress I always dreamed my son's bride would wear it - here you go." Really - would most people feel compelled to wear the wedding gown ("it's just one day and it will be so meaningful to her and it means she's welcoming you in to the family?") Doesn't it mean she's putting her preference out there hoping it will take priority over your own?

Jewelry to me is personal - I have been given many jewelry gifts that are not pleasing to me - I always put them on immediately so the gift-giver sees it on me - and then it goes in a storage box and then sometimes it goes further away than that.

If she had brought out the ring to let you know it is available for you to wear on your wedding should you "need" a something old, something blue... it would be more clear cut what your options are. Here it sounds like she gave you the ring as her son's bride. She also mentioned (obviously because it is a blue sapphire ring) it could be your "something old, something blue" - that to me is a lovely suggestion, not an expectation or a requirement. If the ring doesn't suit you, don't wear it for your wedding, especially if you are uncomfortable having it in the wedding photos.

All that said, I would wear it to the rehearsal dinner, and making a point of sharing the family history of the piece with everyone who sees it. It would be nice if it were to show up in some casual photos from that evening. To me, that is a comfortable level of graciousness and sincerity. (Disclosure: I wore my great-grandmother's matching pearl choker and earrings for my wedding, but it was my choice. It definitely gave a greater meaning to the significance of the day.)

 

[redfaerythinker]

I would have it tied onto your bouquet or pinned inside your dress "close to your heart". Something along those lines. It is still in a place or prominence but invisible in pictures. You could have your photog take a special shot of the ring on your flowers, etc. then have it framed and give it to your MIL. She will love it, and it won't bother you! Much luck.

 

[Gypsy]

Okay so... here's some advice, take it or leave it. I change my earlier answer.

The wedding isn't all about you. And 2 pictures with an ugly ring on aren't going to kill you.

I know, you are the bride. But it's better you hear it now 8 months before you steady decline into bridal tunnel vision (was there myself 2 years ago so I know of what I speak, and I've seen it happen on this site for years). There is a groom too, and this is his mom. Weddings are about the family too. It gives them memories too and allows them to celebrate you. There is some give and take in the process. Not so much that you have to invite every 6th cousin or serve meat if you are a vegetarian... but on small things that don't take anything away from you and give a LOT to others... practice an attitude of thinking and caring for others feelings during the planning process. Your family, bridal party and groom will thank you. And you will be a lot happier after the wedding.

She's not asking you to do anything that anyone will notice but you. And her. Just wear it in some of your getting ready shots, take it off and put it on a ribbon attached to your bouquet. And carry it with you the rest of the day.

When you get the proofs from your photographer, pick one pic of you with the ring on to include in whatever you give to your MIL. Takes a total of 30 minutes out of your life to do this. And it creates a lot of good will.

 

[Lovinggems]

You've been given a lot of sensible advice already, but it's up to you what you decide on. If you don't like the ring you can always regift it to your FSIL later on when she has children, the ring will probably mean more to her than to you.

 

[Jessie702]

I have to agree with everyone, and i say wear it and be proud. Your FMIL....gave it to you and its a heirloom. If you dont want to wear it, is it possible to maybe have a hankie made and than maybe have a little secret pocket and it be in there, and than maybe have another hankie made for her, with maybe a ring sewn onto it, that is like the ring she gave to you? Its just an idea so that she feels included and meaningful, but you dont have to actually wear the ring. Also, if you have a daughter, you can pass the hankie down to her, and share the secret with her.

But be proud of the ring, and love it. It means something very special to her, and she is sharing that with you. Like others have said, the wedding is not only about the bride, but about the groom and the families.

 

[mrscushion]

I'm just echoing what others have said, but I'd also wear it. You truly are so lucky to have such a caring MIL who is welcoming you into her family with this gift. Cherish that relationship.

 

[marymm]

Okay - I cannot edit my prior post but I just realized you are not having a rehearsal dinner so you cannot wear the ring there. But I still believe you can cherish the relationship with your FMIL without having to wear the ring on your wedding or ever.

The ring was from her mom when your intended was born -- the history has nothing to do with weddings. Since you two do not plan to have children, the ring will not be handed down to your future generations. Yet as its significance is connected with the birth of your fiance, I don't see the relevance of gifting it later to your FSIL unless it is just to give it to someone else in the family?

In this case, since you have 8 months before your wedding, I would probably take out the stones and have two his and her rings made with the stones and perhaps the metal as well (maybe simple channel-set RH pinkie rings or something? my DH does like jewelry so he'd leap at this idea, but your fiance may not) -- or take a couple of the sapphires to place inside your wedding bands in time for the wedding and use the diamonds in a necklace or earrings in your preferred style? And wear them on your wedding day. Unless your MIL's mom made the ring, or the MIL wore it every day and took it off her hand when she gifted it to you, this may be a way to honor your fiance's mother and grandmother while still being true to yourselves. Just sayin' there's other ways of looking at this...

 

[VRBeauty]

Okay - I cannot edit my prior post but I just realized you are not having a rehearsal dinner so you cannot wear the ring there. But I still believe you can cherish the relationship with your FMIL without having to wear the ring on your wedding or ever.

The ring was from her mom when your intended was born -- the history has nothing to do with weddings. Since you two do not plan to have children, the ring will not be handed down to your future generations. Yet as its significance is connected with the birth of your fiance, I don't see the relevance of gifting it later to your FSIL unless it is just to give it to someone else in the family?

In this case, since you have 8 months before your wedding, I would probably take out the stones and have two his and her rings made with the stones and perhaps the metal as well (maybe simple channel-set RH pinkie rings or something? my DH does like jewelry so he'd leap at this idea, but your fiance may not) -- or take a couple of the sapphires to place inside your wedding bands in time for the wedding and use the diamonds in a necklace or earrings in your preferred style? And wear them on your wedding day. Unless your MIL's mom made the ring, or the MIL wore it every day and took it off her hand when she gifted it to you, this may be a way to honor your fiance's mother and grandmother while still being true to yourselves. Just sayin' there's other ways of looking at this...

Actually, I agree with this. I don't think the ring was given to you as "a piece of jewelry" and therefore re-styling into just another piece of jewelry would not honor the spirit of the gift. However, incorporating it into a piece of pieces that represent the creation of your family is in keeping with spirit of this piece.

Did that make any sense whatsoever?

 

[labellavita81]

My advice may be very different than what anyone else here would tell you, but this is coming from a 41-year-old woman who absolutely adores her MIL and does have family heirlooms from my husband's late father, so please take it with a grain of salt and a spoonful of sugar. While my husband and I were divorced, those pieces were mostly returned to him, but two of them were tucked away in a safe for our children.

Do not tell anyone in your family (that means hubby-to-be's side as well!) that you do not like the ring. It doesn't matter if you like it or not, or if your future MIL implied that it is now yours. It is a family heirloom that was given to your MIL-2-be at a very special time of her life. She has in turn passed it along to you at a very important time in her's and her son's life, as she most likely planned on doing the moment it was presented to her at your fiance's birth. God forbid something should happen to the two of you as a couple, you will need to return that ring to him. When you have a child, the ring will pass down to him or her. It is not just a ring, it is a legacy, a tradition, a rite of passage.

If in a few years after the wedding the ring has not grown on you, and you and your then-MIL have a wonderful close relationship, brooch the subject of possibly restyling the ring into a more modern style that suites your taste more. The two of you can then research possible settings together, so that she does not feel like you are destroying a precious family heirloom. You do not want to alienate her, especially at this stage.

The bottom line is that it's not really a ring for you to mold into what you want it to be. It's a huge gesture on your future MIL's part to accept you and welcome you as her daughter. Ask yourself if it would really kill you to wear it, even if only for the ceremony, so that it is an honor to a very gracious woman, from a very gracious daughter-in-law.

On a lighter note, be grateful your future MIL is not my mother...she's not exactly a fun MIL!

I agree with this post 1 million percent. Although, I do not think you should ever bring up resetting it with her, if I were you, I would want to keep it just the way it is because of the sentimentality of it.. but thats just me

 

[yennyfire]

Hands down, wear it on your wedding day. It was a lovely gesture and would be a slap in the face not to wear it. If you want to pass it down to SIL when she gets married, I think that's a great idea....very thoughtful (hehehe).....

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I agree with most everyone else that you should just wear it. Rings are barely noticeable in wedding photos, aside from the random close-up (and its 100% possible to tell your photographer to not take photos of that ring when s/he does detail shots). I also don't know your MIL and cannot speak to how she'd react to you wanting to re-set the stones, but I know that *I* would be peeved. Then again, I'm a sentimental sap

But my real question for you is: CAN WE SEE PICTURES?! Perhaps a slew of PSers saying what a lovely ring it is might change your mind (or not, but I'm simply curious about this ring! )

 

[Pandora II]

I agree with those that say to wear it on your wedding-day (and I think it does need to be on your hand for the ceremony and some photos). I don't think you need to wear it ever again though.

I'd love to see some photos (I'm imagining all kinds of fugly here) and I'm not totally against the idea of making the piece into something else - but needs to be something sentimental not just another piece of bling - but would need to see the offending item to see if that is even possible!

All in all though, it sounds like you have a great MIL.

I'm hoping that my daughter might choose to wear my veil (an antique from 1880) on her wedding day and would be over the moon if she wanted to wear my dress which has huge personal and well as sentimental value - it was made to my husband's design with fabric designed and handwoven at the Cavalli factory by my closest friend's husband. It's a modern twist on Tudor and so will never date in the way that a dress I had bought in a shop in 2008 would. However, I had the choice of what I wore on my wedding day and she should have the same choice. I would also be quite happy for her to have extensive alterations done if she did want to wear the dress.

 

[Arkteia]

Is there any way to wear it in your hair? Just weave it in your hairdo, something like it? I would not feel comfortable wearing something that is totally not my style, but rings can be styled into something quite interesting, worn on bands around the neck, on satin belts. It is not my place to give advises but I absolutely know how you feel, and for a reason.

 

[purplesilk]

Wear it on your wedding day on your right hand,
have a couple of pictures,
then do not feel obliged to wear it,
do not reset it as you may give it back (I' m keeping my fingers crossed for you, but divorce is an event that may occur)
keep it safely.

 

[sirbenson]

I sincerely appreciate all the additional advice. There is lots here for me to consider. I have lots of time to decide what to do in the end. I've already discussed it with FH and basically he doesn't really care what I do either way. He never knew the ring existed before, has never gotten along very well with his mother and isn't the sentimental type so he wouldn't be offended if I didn't wear it. His mom showed him the ring right before she gave it to me and he knew right away that I wouldn't like it because of the style. I'm not stating all this to go against all the good advice given here, I just forgot to originally state fy finace's position so I added it here.

As for re-setting it....on my end it was just an idea but I definately see how it would not be appropriate to do UNLESS my FMIL suggested it or I owned it for a few years and felt comfortable asking her how she felt about it.

I do want to post a photo but I don't think I've ever done that here so I'll have to figure that out first...(goes off to figure out how to post a photo)

Thanks again to everybody!

 

[sirbenson]

Okay, I figured it out. Here are two pics:

 

[sirbenson]

Hmm, I just noticed that the "dots" of gold on either side of the sapphires appear to be a bit yellow. COuld this be because the plating has rubbed off?

 

[winelover23]

Wow the way you said you REALLY didn't like it I thought it was going to be just hideous. It's actually quite dainty and sweet so suck it up and wear it!

 

[lucyandroger]

Wow the way you said you REALLY didn't like it I thought it was going to be just hideous. It's actually quite dainty and sweet so suck it up and wear it!

haha!...been following this thread and I have to say I agree. I was expecting a gaudy monster of a ring. I get that it's not your style but it's so small and simple that I doubt anyone will see it in photos.

 

[sillyberry]

Wow the way you said you REALLY didn't like it I thought it was going to be just hideous. It's actually quite dainty and sweet so suck it up and wear it!

haha!...been following this thread and I have to say I agree. I was expecting a gaudy monster of a ring. I get that it's not your style but it's so small and simple that I doubt anyone will see it in photos.

Make that thirded. It might not be "your style," but it's also not the type of style that everyone is going to be going "wow, sirbenson sure has terrible taste!" The only person who will really notice you're wearing it is your FMIL and it will make her really happy. Seems like a small sacrifice to make.'' Think of it as a first step to being part of a family larger than the one you were born into!

 

[rosetta]

Wow the way you said you REALLY didn't like it I thought it was going to be just hideous. It's actually quite dainty and sweet so suck it up and wear it!

haha!...been following this thread and I have to say I agree. I was expecting a gaudy monster of a ring. I get that it's not your style but it's so small and simple that I doubt anyone will see it in photos.

Make that thirded. It might not be "your style," but it's also not the type of style that everyone is going to be going "wow, sirbenson sure has terrible taste!" The only person who will really notice you're wearing it is your FMIL and it will make her really happy. Seems like a small sacrifice to make.'' Think of it as a first step to being part of a family larger than the one you were born into!

Fourthed. It's a tiny little thing, it'll barely be noticed. I thought it was some massive cocktail ring.

 

[sirbenson]

Haha...sorry if it came across that it was a huge honkin' gaudy thang. Even being small it doesn't change the fact that I don't like it. BUT, I agree with the fact that even though I don't like it, its not that big/noticeable/standoutish so it *probably* won't pain me to wear it for a few hours. Thanks for the reality check!

 

[Clairitek]

Haha...sorry if it came across that it was a huge honkin' gaudy thang. Even being small it doesn't change the fact that I don't like it. BUT, I agree with the fact that even though I don't like it, its not that big/noticeable/standoutish so it *probably* won't pain me to wear it for a few hours. Thanks for the reality check!

Count me relieved to see that you've come around. I was really cringing at the thought of how your MIL would feel on your wedding day to not see you wearing that ring. I get that you want every detail to be perfect on that day, especially in your own appearance, but I promise you will hardly notice that you're wearing it because you'll be so distracted with more important things.

 

[VRBeauty]

Haha...sorry if it came across that it was a huge honkin' gaudy thang. Even being small it doesn't change the fact that I don't like it. BUT, I agree with the fact that even though I don't like it, its not that big/noticeable/standoutish so it *probably* won't pain me to wear it for a few hours. Thanks for the reality check!

That wasn't so bad, was it? That setting is rather unique - it seems you MIL's mother was trying for a classy, timeless style. That said, if it isn't your style, it isn't your style. It sounds as if it wasn't your MIL's style either, so she'll probably understand if she doesn't see you wearing it after the wedding!

Congrats on making a decision!

 

[Cehrabehra]

Some things are more important than "style". "Style" is one of the most superficial things in the world. What you hold is an heirloom. Heirlooms trump "style" every day IMO. Your mileage may vary.

I would wear it on my wedding day for what it means, for the value it has to the tradition of marriage and your fiance's mother. Beyond that, I would wear it *occasionally*.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Wow the way you said you REALLY didn't like it I thought it was going to be just hideous. It's actually quite dainty and sweet so suck it up and wear it!

I agree, but I don't think it's ugly. I probably wouldn't choose it, but it's nice enough for sure.

I'm wondering if the OP doesn't like it because she feels controlled? No longer having a choice to wear what she wants, feeling obligated?

 

[Cehrabehra]

I agree with the others, you really should wear it on your wedding day. It was a loving gesture that she has probably been thinking
about since her son was a baby. Someday, when you have your own kids, it will all make sense to you. I couldn't understand why
my MIL had such a hard time letting go of her son, (at all of 20 years old), until I had my own. One day, I was driving with him
in his little car seat, and it hit me.

this is SO true, having my own son changed everything in how I saw my mother in law... now I see her as the mommy of her son and not just the old has been used up mom of MY husband! Now I tell him, go call your mom, go sit with your mom, go hug your mom! lol

 

[sirbenson]

Wow the way you said you REALLY didn't like it I thought it was going to be just hideous. It's actually quite dainty and sweet so suck it up and wear it!

I agree, but I don't think it's ugly. I probably wouldn't choose it, but it's nice enough for sure.

I'm wondering if the OP doesn't like it because she feels controlled? No longer having a choice to wear what she wants, feeling obligated?

Um, I think I already explained that I don't like it because I simply don't like the style of the ring. And I DO have a choice to wear what I want. I do feel a bit obligated to wear it but that doesn't change how I feel about the way the ring looks.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for all their advice!