What to do???

[HollyS]

Do nothing. That''s what she would want you to do.

Her behavior happened after she received a proposal . . . from the guy you told her wasn''t good enough. She distanced herself from your joy and happiness because she felt that it brought into focus her own (in your opinion) less than perfect relationship. And, quite frankly, she probably felt your "congratulations" was half-hearted at best. Then, (in her opinion) you added insult to injury by deciding you would throw them an engagement party. She knew how you felt about him; why on earth would she want you to give them a party?

Whether she was right or wrong; whether she is marrying the right guy or not; whether she is acting childish IYO or not; this is her mindset and her reason for building that moat between the two of you. She doesn''t want a gift, and she hasn''t invited you to the wedding, has she? She doesn''t want someone around who thinks she is ''settling''. And you do think that.

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 2/1/2008 1:49:53 PM
Author: HollyS
Do nothing. That''s what she would want you to do.

Her behavior happened after she received a proposal . . . from the guy you told her wasn''t good enough. She distanced herself from your joy and happiness because she felt that it brought into focus her own (in your opinion) less than perfect relationship. And, quite frankly, she probably felt your ''congratulations'' was half-hearted at best. Then, (in her opinion) you added insult to injury by deciding you would throw them an engagement party. She knew how you felt about him; why on earth would she want you to give them a party?

Whether she was right or wrong; whether she is marrying the right guy or not; whether she is acting childish IYO or not; this is her mindset and her reason for building that moat between the two of you. She doesn''t want a gift, and she hasn''t invited you to the wedding, has she? She doesn''t want someone around who thinks she is ''settling''. And you do think that.

I really don''t think her friend has this kind of thinking, but what do we know? We''ve never met her. We can only go on what Italia has told us and what she did to be a friend to her newly engaged friend. I think she did plenty. Aren''t we all open in some way with our girlfriends regarding who they''re dating? She congratulated her friend when she got engaged, which is what she was supposed to do. She didn''t try talking her out of it or start insulting the guy. Basically, this friend sounds like an immature, selfish person who doesn''t deserve a hanky or a tissue for that matter.

 

[HollyS]

After reading your second posting, there is something else that stands out about your past friendship:

(and this is just armchair psychology, and I''m only suggesting that you be completely honest with yourself)

You appear to be the "savior" in this relationship. You took care of her, you paid her bills, you held her hand through each crisis, etc. Did you do these things because you honestly felt it was a vital part of your friendship to be ''there for her'', or did you just enjoy being the ''together'' friend you magnanimously shared all that she had with someone less fortunate.

I''m not attempting to be snotty with that comment; I''m merely pointing out that some people are unable to receive endless kindness from others gracefully. And, conversely, some people are not able to give gracefully without expecting kudos or undying gratitude, etc.

Listen carefully to what your heart is saying to you; it will tell you the truth.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Holly: I never felt any "joy" in being more together than my friend. I enjoyed her for who she was/is...her faults and all, because for many years, she and I had a really great time and made some amazing memories. Likewise, I am by no means a perfect person...but, I have worked hard to get where I am, and if I see a friend struggling, I am just not the type to walk away. I have always made a point of not discussing her situations with anyone, including our mutual friends, the arrangements and goings-on between Mandy and I were extremely private, and would have never "bragged" about bailing her out...I never ever would go out of my way to intentionally hurt anyone. As far as the engagement party was concerned...I knew she wanted one, and I also knew her family wasn''t in any position to host one for her, so I deducted from that situation that it would fall to me to put one together, and I was thrilled to do so! Her fiance was a scumbag, bottom line. A few instances of his poor behavior would be that on her birthday, he blew her off to go bowling with his friends...another would be that when she mentioned getting engaged he flat out told her "don''t get your hopes up, you''re not getting an engagement ring anytime soon!" which he later took back, because he wanted to buy a house and without Mandy''s income wouldn''t be able to afford to do so...so, he purposed and they bought the house...also, for Christmas of 06'' he bought her Bath & Body Works products, knowing that she is highly allergic to scents!!! Little and big things like that helped to shape my opinion of him...it''s a collective picture, since I don''t try to make assumptions based on one time incidents. So, yes...as she cried on the phone to me, I offered support and comfort...but when they worked things out, I was happy for her because she obviously loved him, and put up with him for a reason...

Courtney: Thank you for your kind words. I think you get the situation pretty well, that I really do believe she intentionally did the things she did in order to hurt me.

Independant: As far as the BM dresses were concerned, I let each girl pick their dress...I had my two BM in matching dresses, my MOH in a different color, and the girl doing my readings in a different color as well. Mandy hated everything bridesmaid, and even refused to try on several dresses. The dress we could all finally agree upon was $800.00 (and believe me, Mandy had a HUGE say) ... and it was lovely! I wanted to treat the girls to a fine dress for all they were doing for me, and gladly purchased them. But she has since refered to it as a "f****** dress" ... are you getting a clearer view of her ungrateful behavior?

 

[HollyS]

I believe you when you say he''s a jerk. Bottom line, he is. Unfortunately, she blames you for being ''aware'' of his shortcomings because it is a source of embarrasement for her. Like many people, she would rather not face the reality of her situation and stand up for herself. You are her fall guy; she has decided you are expendable because when it blows up in her face, or in the years to come when she just stoicly puts up with his s**t, she doesn''t want anyone to be able to say (even if you wouldn''t) "I told you so." And, seeing you happy will just accentuate her own unhappiness. So . . . you are the casualty.

And as I said, I wasn''t saying her behavior was right or justified. I was just explaining how she is thinking, and why it''s just too late for you to salvage this friendship. Any gesture you would make would be rebuffed. She''s not a complete and whole person, or her choices would have been different. She might just resent you for ''having it all''; and that further fuels her self esteem issues. You can''t change that.

She has behaved like an @$$ for sure. No question.

 

[thluckiest]

IMHO, the hankie is a nice idea for someone you''re still friends with, but if you guys have drifted apart (and you think her soon to be spouse really is a jerkwad) she will probably take it as, "Take this hankie. Because I already know that douchebag is going to make you cry."

I think you should definitely be applauded for trying to resolve things. I think if I did anything myself, I''d probably just send her a simple congratulations card around the time of her wedding and call it a day.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hmmm... yup. Sounds like you should just let this one die.

And sorry if I sounded snarky this morning!