What to say to a friend?

[wyndham]

Date: 3/3/2009 10:53:17 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 3/3/2009 10:44:41 PM

Author: havernell

To pick up on a point Musey made, for those of you saying that Wyndham should try to include this friend''s boyfriend simply because no one likes to travel alone, would you feel differently if it was the case that this girl is one of a group of 6 or 8 close college friends who are all invited (meaning that this friend will have PLENTY of people to hang out with/room with at the wedding)? I can kind of see the point about letting someone bring a guest for a wedding out of town where they will not know anyone else IF there is space, but Wyndham said this girl was a friend from college, so I would venture a guess that she will know others attending the wedding (Wyndham correct me if this is not true). Sure, she may have to fly alone for a few hours, but I think any adult should be able to manage that just fine.


So, if Wyndham''s friend will know lots of other people at the wedding, is there any problem with inviting just her (and not giving her a +1)?

If there will be a bunch of friends of the guest, then I wouldn''t invite the BF unless it was a ''I''m not coming without him'' type of thing...

Thanks Havernell for your comments--I completely agree with everything you said! My friend will know at least 25 other people out of the 200+ guests that we''ve invited...I would obviously seat her with people she knows and help her get in touch with those other college friends to set up a rooming situation (fifteen of us were sorority sisters so sharing a room isn''t a big deal!). I think you''re totally right about not allowing the presumptuous guests to get plus ones when the more passive guests aren''t assuming that they get to bring guests...it''s really not a very fair policy to allow only our more assertive guests to push us into giving them plus ones.

Freke, question for you...would you personally give a plus one to a friend who said "I''m not coming without a plus one"? I know some people might be more comfortable with a date, but anyone who wouldn''t come to my wedding because they don''t get a ''plus one'' probably isn''t really there to genuinely support me anyway, right? I''ve been to several weddings ''single'' when FI wasn''t invited or couldn''t make it, and I never felt anything but happiness for my friends who were getting married.

Thank you all for your comments--I appreciate the advice and this has been incredibly insightful!

 

[musey]

Date: 3/4/2009 1:39:38 AM
Author: wyndham
My friend will know at least 25 other people out of the 200+ guests that we've invited...

That is a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE piece of the puzzle that you left out!!!! Responses would likely have been COMPLETELY different for the entire thread if you'd said that initially. A few people even said "if she'll know other people," but since you didn't verify that we could only assume that she doesn't/won't.

Date: 3/3/2009 8:40:22 PM
Author: musey
Most people don't like to travel alone - especially not to a wedding where they won't know many others (if they will have more than one other friend there, that's a different story, IMO).

Given that new information - tell her you don't have room for her boyfriend (however you want to go about it) but that you're inviting a lot of her friends.

 

[musey]

Date: 3/4/2009 1:39:38 AM
Author: wyndham
I know some people might be more comfortable with a date, but anyone who wouldn't come to my wedding because they don't get a 'plus one' probably isn't really there to genuinely support me anyway, right?

That's one way of looking at it. But can you honestly say that all 200+ of your guests are going to be there just to "support you" or your groom?

I'd venture to guess that a good portion of people choose to go to a wedding just because they want to experience that event, not necessarily in 'support' of the bride or groom. Another portion of people go just because it's a good party. I think that brides can overestimate how important their wedding is to other people (not saying that you are, just a general statement) and/or the type of importance it holds for other people. Know what I mean?

I'm just saying that it would be expecting a lot of your guests if you thought they were there just to support you. They are, in most cases, there because it was something they wanted to be a part of and/or it sounded like fun!

Again, not trying to make assumptions or pick on you at all, that phrase just jumped out at me

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 3/4/2009 1:39:38 AM
Author: wyndham
Freke, question for you...would you personally give a plus one to a friend who said 'I'm not coming without a plus one'? I know some people might be more comfortable with a date, but anyone who wouldn't come to my wedding because they don't get a 'plus one' probably isn't really there to genuinely support me anyway, right? I've been to several weddings 'single' when FI wasn't invited or couldn't make it, and I never felt anything but happiness for my friends who were getting married.

Thank you all for your comments--I appreciate the advice and this has been incredibly insightful!

I think it really just depends. If I really really really wanted them at my wedding, I'd make whatever accommodation to make sure they were there. This could end up being an "I'm not coming without him" situation and in that case, if you don't let him come, then you don't really want her there. That's how I see that at least.

As for genuine support, I don't really see it like that. I'm not going to my friend S's wedding because FI can't go, and I don't want to travel across the country by myself, but I do genuinely support her wedding (her mother doesn't, but that's a whole other issue).

Really, I think it's a sticky issue. For our single friends I decided plus ones, because it isn't a big group of people who know each other, and my friends are just MY friends, not like sorority sisters or anything--in fact they're lucky if they've even really met each other. But I wouldn't ask one of them to come to Vegas alone. And I wouldn't expect them to come by themselves. So for the people we invited, including the singles +1, We both knew we really wanted them there. No ifs ands or buts about it. But our situation is completely different because those people won't know anyone else, and won't hang out with other people there because they won't know them. I think if a guest knows at least 25 people that will be there...I don't think they'd really be *alone* the way my guests would definitely be.

Does that make sense?

 

[wyndham]

I guess I didn''t make myself clear initially--many of the guests at our wedding will be college friends who know each other, so aside from the flight part of the weekend, my friend wouldn''t have to spend much of the weekend alone at all. Thanks to those of you who gave me the benefit of the doubt on that one...I would definitely send her a plus one if she wasn''t going to know anyone else there!

Thanks Freke--that makes total sense...I would do the same thing in your position! Your wedding sounds like it will be awesome, by the way, and I am completely and utterly jealous of the size of your guest list.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 3/4/2009 12:43:18 PM
Author: wyndham
Thanks Freke--that makes total sense...I would do the same thing in your position! Your wedding sounds like it will be awesome, by the way, and I am completely and utterly jealous of the size of your guest list.

Lol! Don''t be jealous! It''s close to 40 still (although my dad is trying to cut down on it) and I wanted between ten and twenty! Keep your fingers crossed that my dad decides to arrange something else (he''s talking about a trip out here this summer) for my brothers, their wives and their kids--they add on ELEVEN people to the dang guest list!!!

And thanks! I hope it will be awesome!

 

[newbie124]

Date: 3/4/2009 12:43:18 PM
Author: wyndham
I guess I didn't make myself clear initially--many of the guests at our wedding will be college friends who know each other, so aside from the flight part of the weekend, my friend wouldn't have to spend much of the weekend alone at all. Thanks to those of you who gave me the benefit of the doubt on that one...I would definitely send her a plus one if she wasn't going to know anyone else there!

Thanks Freke--that makes total sense...I would do the same thing in your position! Your wedding sounds like it will be awesome, by the way, and I am completely and utterly jealous of the size of your guest list.

We initially did not include Plus 1's for single guests or those just casually dating, especially if it was someone we hadn't met b/c all along we wanted an intimate wedding for those closest to us.

That being said, now that we're getting a few more declines that we expected, we've now opened it up for those few "singles" to bring a guest. However, I'm not necessarily going out of my way to tell all of those people that they can now look for a date...basically just the ones who we know are seeing somebody and might not know others at the wedding.

A friend of mine did ask before we loosened the "rules" if she could potentially bring the guy she just started dating. However, she was very polite and understanding about it and said that she totally understood about budget and capacity and that I should feel free to be honest with her if we couldn't accommodate him. I thought it was really nice that she asked in such a way (as opposed to another friend of mine who just told our mutual friend a week before their wedding that she was bringing a BF who none of us knew even existed and if he could be included at the wedding). And when I initially told her I wasn't sure yet if we'd be able to accommodate him at the reception but that she could bring him to the day after picnic if she decided to travel out w/ him, she said not to worry and that she was completely OK with attending the wedding herself.

I really appreciated the way she approached me and also how she took my answer. I understand that some people just aren't comfortable traveling alone to a wedding. However, several of our friends are doing just that to be at our wedding and I'm really appreciative of their support and eagerness to be there for us as we were for their big days.

A close friend of mine is getting married in NYC in September on the same day that FI will be in one of his close friend's weddings in the suburbs here. There was no way I was going to miss my friend's big day, though (especially after all the drama she's been through w/ her parents over her relationship), so FI and I will be separately attending our first weddings as a married couple! I'm sure FI would much rather spend the weekend in NYC w/ me, but he felt it was important to be there for his friend as I did for mine.

So I guess for us it isn't so much about attending a fun event as being there for our friends. So I can see how you feel about wanting your friends to attend your wedding in support of your union, not just for some free food and booze, b/c I know that that's at least the case for my closest group of friends.

Anyway, I guess my two cents would be to talk to your friend and see if they've already booked their tickets. Even if they have, she might understand if you can't include him for the reception (b/c of the budget/capacity issue...I find it hard for people to not be understanding of that, especially if she's going to know a lot of others there), but that doesn't mean he can't still travel w/ her if she doesn't want to spend the weekend by herself. If you're planning a day-after event, maybe he could even be invited to that, just not the reception.

 

[wyndham]

Date: 3/4/2009 1:23:52 PM
Author: newbie124

Date: 3/4/2009 12:43:18 PM
Author: wyndham
I guess I didn''t make myself clear initially--many of the guests at our wedding will be college friends who know each other, so aside from the flight part of the weekend, my friend wouldn''t have to spend much of the weekend alone at all. Thanks to those of you who gave me the benefit of the doubt on that one...I would definitely send her a plus one if she wasn''t going to know anyone else there!

Thanks Freke--that makes total sense...I would do the same thing in your position! Your wedding sounds like it will be awesome, by the way, and I am completely and utterly jealous of the size of your guest list.

We initially did not include Plus 1''s for single guests or those just casually dating, especially if it was someone we hadn''t met b/c all along we wanted an intimate wedding for those closest to us.

That being said, now that we''re getting a few more declines that we expected, we''ve now opened it up for those few ''singles'' to bring a guest. However, I''m not necessarily going out of my way to tell all of those people that they can now look for a date...basically just the ones who we know are seeing somebody and might not know others at the wedding.

A friend of mine did ask before we loosened the ''rules'' if she could potentially bring the guy she just started dating. However, she was very polite and understanding about it and said that she totally understood about budget and capacity and that I should feel free to be honest with her if we couldn''t accommodate him. I thought it was really nice that she asked in such a way (as opposed to another friend of mine who just told our mutual friend a week before their wedding that she was bringing a BF who none of us knew even existed and if he could be included at the wedding). And when I initially told her I wasn''t sure yet if we''d be able to accommodate him at the reception but that she could bring him to the day after picnic if she decided to travel out w/ him, she said not to worry and that she was completely OK with attending the wedding herself.

I really appreciated the way she approached me and also how she took my answer. I understand that some people just aren''t comfortable traveling alone to a wedding. However, several of our friends are doing just that to be at our wedding and I''m really appreciative of their support and eagerness to be there for us as we were for their big days.

A close friend of mine is getting married in NYC in September on the same day that FI will be in one of his close friend''s weddings in the suburbs here. There was no way I was going to miss my friend''s big day, though (especially after all the drama she''s been through w/ her parents over her relationship), so FI and I will be separately attending our first weddings as a married couple! I''m sure FI would much rather spend the weekend in NYC w/ me, but he felt it was important to be there for his friend as I did for mine.

So I guess for us it isn''t so much about attending a fun event as being there for our friends. So I can see how you feel about wanting your friends to attend your wedding in support of your union, not just for some free food and booze, b/c I know that that''s at least the case for my closest group of friends.

Anyway, I guess my two cents would be to talk to your friend and see if they''ve already booked their tickets. Even if they have, she might understand if you can''t include him for the reception (b/c of the budget/capacity issue...I find it hard for people to not be understanding of that, especially if she''s going to know a lot of others there), but that doesn''t mean he can''t still travel w/ her if she doesn''t want to spend the weekend by herself. If you''re planning a day-after event, maybe he could even be invited to that, just not the reception.

Newbie, thank you so much for sharing your experience/thoughts. I am envious of the fact that you''ve had more ''no''s than you had originally guessed...I''m hoping the same happens to us so that we can overcome our space issues!

I think the hardest part of this for me is that my friend didn''t really ask if she could bring a plus one--she declared that she was bringing him! If she''d asked I think I would''ve told her exactly what you told your friend--and then I''d try to fit him in if we can.
I need to talk to her tonight or tomorrow, but I''m just trying to work up the courage to actually make the phone call.

 

[newbie124]

Date: 3/4/2009 2:35:29 PM
Author: wyndham
Newbie, thank you so much for sharing your experience/thoughts. I am envious of the fact that you've had more 'no's than you had originally guessed...I'm hoping the same happens to us so that we can overcome our space issues!

I think the hardest part of this for me is that my friend didn't really ask if she could bring a plus one--she declared that she was bringing him! If she'd asked I think I would've told her exactly what you told your friend--and then I'd try to fit him in if we can.

I need to talk to her tonight or tomorrow, but I'm just trying to work up the courage to actually make the phone call.

Ha, well, actually the extra declines are sort of a sore spot now because several have been from people we were actually expecting to come. And now we're quite a bit below our ideal number. But I think we'll survive...at least it means we'll also save some money

So another story I can share is when I had to talk to my bridesmaid about her date situation. She recently started seeing a guy who's a bit younger than her in both years and experience (i.e. she's ready to get married and start a family...he's working part time and still trying to figure out if he wants to go back to college to get his degree, etc). Her parents don't know their dating and also it wasn't until recently that they started considering themselves as kind of a couple.

So for all of that and a few other reasons, I felt hesitant extending an invitation to him. My friend hadn't said anything to me about bringing him to the wedding, but I thought she was maybe waiting for me to bring it up first. Well, it took me a little while to finally work up the courage to talk to her about it. I was really nervous b/c I wasn't even 100 percent sure what I wanted to tell her. So finally I meekly brought it up towards the end of a conversation we had one day (I think I said something along the lines of "So, are you OK if we might not at this point be able to accommodate X at the wedding?") and then found out that she really hadn't even considered bringing him at all! Or if she had, she hid it from me pretty well. She actually expressed gratitude to me for thinking of him!

So basically I had this whole thing built up in my head and was worrying about what she might say, and ultimately it was a non-issue! So maybe your friend just didn't really think about what she was doing and assumed it'd be OK and once you've talked to her she'll come to understand and be understanding about it.

My friend who emailed me was once engaged herself, which could also explain why she was sensitive to the guest issue. I think a lot of people just don't know that the invitation doesn't always include "and guest" unless they've been involved in planning a wedding. (I've been guilty myself!)

Anyway, try not to stress about it too much (easier said than done, I know . Good luck and keep us posted!