What would you do?

[DonaBella]

HOT OFF THE PRESSES!!!! Tonight at our couple''s therapy session my husband came clean and said that after reading everyone''s posts with me and thinking about it, he has changed his mind and is fine on including second son''s GF to the wedding!

He still wants to have her open up a bit--which she is already trying to do--but he is willing to reconsider his position on her shyness and just take things a bit slower and practice a little patience...CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS???

I am overjoyed

with this HUGE, HUMONGOUS step my hubby has been willing to try...I KNEW if he took a few steps back and rethought things, he''d see things possibly a tad differently.

Chris is a truly great guy...none of us are perfect and he is just a problem-solver type personality and wants to "analyze" everything or everyone...but he is a total softie at heart...I am just glad he''s mine.

The therapist pointed out something I had not considered but now have promised to be very much aware of...I need to NOT try to step in and "fix" everything--whether it be this issue or his relationship w/one of our kids, etc., and let HIM figure it out and get the fulfillment from the experience.

I guess I was more afraid he''d botch the whole thing...Well, I am more than willing to learn something new and put good things into practice...

If there is more, I will DEFINITELY let everyone know...

Thanks again...and don''t worry, I was not seriously offended by anyone''s views really...that is the risk one takes with an open forum and I knew that going into this...no harm done!

 

[allycat0303]

Deanna,

I am so, so glad (and relieved). Truly, that your husband is willing to give her a chance. I think all shy girls (me included) have all gone through something like this in our lives. I hope that everything works out for here on out, she is very lucky to have you standing behind her and helping the situation along!

 

[peachy]

Thrilled at the outcome so far. Congratulations!! Not only with your husband coming around - but also with the tactful discussions with the the gf... I can understand what the therapist is saying about your taking on too much and solving people''s problems...but I definitely think that this issue was one that needed your attention. A lot of damage has been avoided!! And something that could have ripped your family apart may actually bring everyone closer together... Hooray!

 

[jellybean]

Deanna -

I''m so glad things are finally beginning to work out! Sorry I''m late in chimming in, but I wanted to tell my story since I was in a very similar situation as your second son with the shy GF...

I am a pretty outgoing person and my family is pretty LOUD, but in a good way.

They are very warm and welcoming and do everything they can to make people feel at ease. In High school I dated this guy that was pretty shy. I think what attracted me to him was that he was so different from my family. His family was very quiet and much more low key than mine. He was invited to every family function we had, and he did come to them even though he felt pretty uncomfortable.

After a while, my sister and mom started perceiving his shyness and a direct insult to them. They started giving me a hard time about what I saw in him, etc. I tried explaining that was just his personality and he did not mean to come across as being aloof.

Then one day my mom and aunt were planning an anniversary party for my grandparents. It was to be at a hall, so they had a limited number of invites. My mom came right out and told me that unless my BF started opening up to the family, he was not to be included on the list. And this was a guy I had dated for almost 2 years. My mom didn''t handle the situation which as much grace and tact as you did with your son, but it did hurt for her to tell me that. I talked to the BF about it, and he had no idea my family saw his shyness as being rude. Unfortunately, he perceived my family''s feelings as a direct blow to his personality, and that my family would never accept him the way he was. I tried explaining that b/c my mom tries soooo hard to make people feel at ease, she sees it as a failure to herself if she cannot get someone to feel at ease, if that makes sense. (Maybe partly what your husband feels?) He still was so hurt by their feelings that it completely changed our relationship. We broke up a few months later, after the anniversary party which he wound up being invited to.

I guess what I''m trying to say is that I''m so glad your husband is going to therapy with you to try to work this out. This could have turned into a total disaster. Even to this day, some 15 years later, I still kind of get ticked off about how my family handled the situation between me and my BF. I am really touched by the way you are taking your son''s GF into consideration. You are an amazing woman for raising 9 kids...heck, I have two right now and finding it very hard!

I hope the rest of the wedding planning goes smoother for you. Congratulations to your soon-to-be married son!

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 9/29/2005 9:18:01 AM
Author: jellybean
Deanna -

I''m so glad things are finally beginning to work out! Sorry I''m late in chimming in, but I wanted to tell my story since I was in a very similar situation as your second son with the shy GF...

I am a pretty outgoing person and my family is pretty LOUD, but in a good way.

They are very warm and welcoming and do everything they can to make people feel at ease. In High school I dated this guy that was pretty shy. I think what attracted me to him was that he was so different from my family. His family was very quiet and much more low key than mine. He was invited to every family function we had, and he did come to them even though he felt pretty uncomfortable.

After a while, my sister and mom started perceiving his shyness and a direct insult to them. They started giving me a hard time about what I saw in him, etc. I tried explaining that was just his personality and he did not mean to come across as being aloof.

Then one day my mom and aunt were planning an anniversary party for my grandparents. It was to be at a hall, so they had a limited number of invites. My mom came right out and told me that unless my BF started opening up to the family, he was not to be included on the list. And this was a guy I had dated for almost 2 years. My mom didn''t handle the situation which as much grace and tact as you did with your son, but it did hurt for her to tell me that. I talked to the BF about it, and he had no idea my family saw his shyness as being rude. Unfortunately, he perceived my family''s feelings as a direct blow to his personality, and that my family would never accept him the way he was. I tried explaining that b/c my mom tries soooo hard to make people feel at ease, she sees it as a failure to herself if she cannot get someone to feel at ease, if that makes sense. (Maybe partly what your husband feels?) He still was so hurt by their feelings that it completely changed our relationship. We broke up a few months later, after the anniversary party which he wound up being invited to.

I guess what I''m trying to say is that I''m so glad your husband is going to therapy with you to try to work this out. This could have turned into a total disaster. Even to this day, some 15 years later, I still kind of get ticked off about how my family handled the situation between me and my BF. I am really touched by the way you are taking your son''s GF into consideration. You are an amazing woman for raising 9 kids...heck, I have two right now and finding it very hard!

I hope the rest of the wedding planning goes smoother for you. Congratulations to your soon-to-be married son!

Thanks for your comments and for sharing your story...I cannot believe how closesly it parallels my family and our situation!

I just thought I would mention as well that my hubby and I are doing well and the need for therapy--not that any one asked--is more a preventative measure. You know you might awaken with a kink in your neck or shoulders and you call to get in to the chiropractor to get an adjustment? Well, in my opinion, all marriages need an "adjustment" now and then to help avoid a serious problem from developing. Marriage to someone after so many years (for me, this Feb. will be 25 years!) can sometimes cause the key players to misperceive one another and not really "listen" to one another. Assumption can be toxic in any relationship...especially a marriage. When we assume we already know what the other is thinking or going to do, we are unfairly presuming how they will respond and that is unfair to all and potentially damaging. All of us need to be given a chance to just be.

Thank you again for taking a few minutes of your time to respond...it is definitely appreciated!

 

[icekid]

Deanna- I am so glad that your husband has come to see it our way

hehe. You handled the situation beautifully, and I am sure your son and his gf are very grateful. You certainly are an amazing woman... 9 kids! I am still in awe...

I think counseling is a great idea, even when things seem "fine". I really want my FI to do a little pre-marriage counseling with me, but he''s not super excited about it

Just keeps everyone on the same page!

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 9/29/2005 10:47:28 AM
Author: icekid
Deanna- I am so glad that your husband has come to see it our way

hehe. You handled the situation beautifully, and I am sure your son and his gf are very grateful. You certainly are an amazing woman... 9 kids! I am still in awe...

I think counseling is a great idea, even when things seem ''fine''. I really want my FI to do a little pre-marriage counseling with me, but he''s not super excited about it

Just keeps everyone on the same page!

Thanks Icekid,

Counseling is very helpful b4 marriage! My engaged son and his FI are in premarital counseling now and it is a sure way of helping to work on those areas of communication that can cause a relationship to go awry AFTER the honeymoon!

Marriage is the least prepared contract we prepare ourselves for in life, yet it is the one area of our lives that we must be willing to work the hardest at.

Yea, 9 kids is pretty daunting to most people...ESPECIALLY me. Thank the Lord I am passionate---passionate about loving each and every family member whether they like my form of love or not, passionate to have everyone heard AND listened to, passionate about love...in every form.

 

[gingerBcookie]

You, DeannaBana are someone to admire. Gracious, caring, loving, involved MOTHER OF NINE. I am so happy for you that everything is going smoothly and want to thank you personally on behalf of shy girls of the world who are trying to meld into a new family.

Yuor second son''s GF is very lucky to have someone like you in her prospective family, and it goes without saying that your family is lucky to have someone like you looking out for them.

Keep us updated!

 

[Faerievert]

I''m so glad things are working out well. If your situation can work, perhaps there''s a chance with my fiance''s family and I. He has a very loud family. Three boys and the father. The mother is rather quiet by comparison. I am not loud. I am very quiet, and not particularly social, at least not in the same kind of way they are. What''s more there''s a large extended family. They all get together for huge family gatherings where I feel completely out of place. Just like your situation, they find it rather rude that I am not into all the hugs and kisses to say hello and goodbye, or the rowdy games of cards, or the running around yelling behavior of the children. As a matter of fact, I find THEIR behavior to be extremely rude, and half the time I''m so quiet because I''m biting my tongue to not say so! I just hope than anyone in this situation can look at it from the other side, and find a kind way to let the other party know their problems. I''ve talked to my fiance about all this, and we''re working on a compromise in the sitation. He know knows that just because I''m not acting the way his family does, it doesn''t mean I don''t think they''re good people or that I hate them. Mostly I''m just intimidated. It will take time to get used to them on my end, and I think it''s only fair that they should take the time to get used to me as well.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 9/29/2005 1:02:41 PM
Author: Faerievert
I''m so glad things are working out well. If your situation can work, perhaps there''s a chance with my fiance''s family and I. He has a very loud family. Three boys and the father. The mother is rather quiet by comparison. I am not loud. I am very quiet, and not particularly social, at least not in the same kind of way they are. What''s more there''s a large extended family. They all get together for huge family gatherings where I feel completely out of place. Just like your situation, they find it rather rude that I am not into all the hugs and kisses to say hello and goodbye, or the rowdy games of cards, or the running around yelling behavior of the children. As a matter of fact, I find THEIR behavior to be extremely rude, and half the time I''m so quiet because I''m biting my tongue to not say so! I just hope than anyone in this situation can look at it from the other side, and find a kind way to let the other party know their problems. I''ve talked to my fiance about all this, and we''re working on a compromise in the sitation. He know knows that just because I''m not acting the way his family does, it doesn''t mean I don''t think they''re good people or that I hate them. Mostly I''m just intimidated. It will take time to get used to them on my end, and I think it''s only fair that they should take the time to get used to me as well.

Thanks so much!

As for your situation...hang in there. You love your FI and you are wise to recognize that his family come with him as part of the package. My hubby''s family has always been more kissy-face than mine ever would or could be and I have learned to welcome each and everyone who comes to our home with a warmth of at least a hug...but it was not initially me. I sometimes just give folks a 2 handed handshake if they seem a bit overwhelmed or put off when they come to our home and meet our busy and extrovertish family. Myself and one of my sons--a 13 1/2 year old--are less extrovert-like than the rest and that''s ok with us.

Same as in my situation, it IS important to face to face discuss what is ill at ease with what we feel is offending behavior. Do you have a good solid relationship with his mom? Maybe she is the one to start with. Having your FI caught in between is a tough position to be in. I should know. I felt splintered between my engaged son, my second son and my husband. The reason I say to start talking to work towards a better result though is so that you avoid a major blowout of emotions when it becomes just too damn much--and it will.

Good Luck on your situation...I am confident that you will strive to make good choices for all concerned...

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 9/29/2005 12:00:20 PM
Author: gingerBcookie

You, DeannaBana are someone to admire. Gracious, caring, loving, involved MOTHER OF NINE. I am so happy for you that everything is going smoothly and want to thank you personally on behalf of shy girls of the world who are trying to meld into a new family.

Yuor second son''s GF is very lucky to have someone like you in her prospective family, and it goes without saying that your family is lucky to have someone like you looking out for them.

Keep us updated!

Thanks Ginger!

You make me blush!

You know, of course, that now that we have moved past this, something else will rear its head and I will be back trying to see who said what about whom and so forth....

There is NEVER a dull moment here...that''s for sure...

I appreciate everyone''s input and for checking back in on me and this issue...I cannot tell you how good it makes me feel to have PS friends like you that take time to say ,"well done."

 

[Strawdermangrl]

If you were to invite your son, obviously, would he be restricted to only himself!? My husbands best man is dating a MONSTER and we invited her- out of respect to him. IMO, I would say your oldest is going to not only cause a riff but hurt your younger son and his girlfriends feelings.

She should go.

I know that you are thrown in the middle, but I feel as most do here that it is the right thing to invite her.

Good Luck DB!!

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 9/29/2005 3:10:36 PM
Author: Strawdermangrl
If you were to invite your son, obviously, would he be restricted to only himself!? My husbands best man is dating a MONSTER and we invited her- out of respect to him. IMO, I would say your oldest is going to not only cause a riff but hurt your younger son and his girlfriends feelings.

She should go.

I know that you are thrown in the middle, but I feel as most do here that it is the right thing to invite her.

Good Luck DB!!

Thanks for your support...

The GF IS going and that is that...

Its hard to be in the middle, yet I am glad I am stubborn enough to see this thing through..

You can definitely see that I am NOT a quitter...

I guess its good to be stubborn about some things...especially when alot of folks are affected...I would do it again and probably will at some point...

Hopefully, I will have a little break here b4 the next wave of family turmoil starts...

 

[blueroses]

Hooray!!! This was the correct outcome, and I''m so glad to see that the lines of communication are open and that both your hubby and your son''s gf are open to flexibility!

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Yeah!!! Good for you for standing your ground! You knew what was right and I'm glad they saw it your way.

 

[BigVig]

Date: 9/28/2005 12:37:53 AM
Author: DeannaBana

Date: 9/27/2005 9:42:20 PM
Author: BigVig
My two cents:

From the beginning this should have NEVER been a question of whether your son''ts shy girlfriend should be invited or not, out of basic respect to him and her because she''s a person that''s important to him, even if you think she''s rude, there should be no question, you invite her, period.

The question all along should have been how do you talk to your son to let him know how his girlfriend''s shyness is coming across, but that''s it... regardless of whether he talks to her, or if she responds to it or not, you invite her... your job as his family is to support him and the person he''s with, it''s not required that your like his girlfriend, it''s a question of whether you respect your son.

BigVig,
With all due respect it IS a question because my engaged son and husband have an issue with it. If I did not step in--as I mentioned earlier if you had read the previous posts--this would have been a powder keg exploding everywhere and doing more than a little damage. My whole intent in starting this thread was to draw differing points of view on how to handle this delicate situation. Thanks to so many here, I feel very much empowered and will move forward in making sure to do all I can to handle this as sensitively as possible--which (sorry hubby and engaged son!)--would not have if I had not had not begun this thread.

My hubby and engaged son are so incredibly blinded by their own preferences and biases that they cannot see how amazingly insensitive and hurtful they are--in my opinion. Yes, they have the right to feel and to be put off by her behavior but not to make like she has a disease?! For them, however, they still feel as they do and they do have that right, but I will be damned b4 I allow that cancerous position to ruin a family event of this caliber!

I DO support BOTH sons. You have no clue how much this has kept me awake. No one is aware of how tortured I have been over this. This is MY FAMILY and I will get this worked through with them--whether they want to or not--with a positive result for ALL concerned.

Check back here periodically and you will see how I take the reins and help EVERYONE to work through this...I don''t know how or when, but it WILL happen!

Understood, but my point was that given this is a delicate situation because your husband/son don''t want her there, the question/problem you should be wrestling with is how to get your husband and son to be ok with it, how you approach them, what you say, etc... never should there been a question as to should the shy girl be invited or not. I think this is where you ended up (you got some good ideas on how to handle this situation - talk to your husband and son) so all I''m saying is that should have been the question from the beginning... not inviting a girl that is important to your son regardless of how you, your other son, husband feel about her, is simply out of the question.

 

[DonaBella]

Your point is well understood...however, I stand my ground. I was right to bring this to the forum as a thread and I was right that it would have a positive result. It did. The feelings and position of all those affected was considered and now its on to planning the wedding.

As I have mentioned b4, I sincerely appreciate everyone''s views--whether they were in alignment with mine or not--and now ask that you realize that I will move forward to help all involved to enjoy this momentous time in our family---a wedding.

There will be other issues to deal with and I value everyone''s views. All of you have enriched me and helped me to approach this and other hot issues with the same amount of care, consideration and compassion that I did this one. I have always been and will always be concerned that everyone is heard and appreciated.

It is probably one of my greatest flaws which is that I am highly emotional and want everyone that is important to me to feel loved and valued. My hubby often comments that I am highly charged, stubborn and passionate. I am--about life and all that goes with it.

Thanks to all!

 

[BigVig]

AGreed. Congrats and best of luck on the wedding.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

I think BigVig meant that the your hubby and son should have never even thought of not inviting the girlfriend because of her importance to your other son. In other words, it should not have even been an issue between you and those two. I don''t think the he/she meant that you shouldn''t have posted a thread about it.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 9/30/2005 3:10:50 PM
Author: aphisiglovessae
I think BigVig meant that the your hubby and son should have never even thought of not inviting the girlfriend because of her importance to your other son. In other words, it should not have even been an issue between you and those two. I don''t think the he/she meant that you shouldn''t have posted a thread about it.

Thanks Aphisglovessae for your clarification, however, I figured that out as well and I agree. It was one of those times that I wanted outside confirmation about something I had already thought of...if you know what I mean. I AM an emotional mom/wife and I just needed to hear from all of you that this should never had been an issue...which most of you did.

Reading it in black and white from others was so powerfully effective on my husband. I guess the fact that it wasn''t just me that echoed that thought triggered him to rethink his position and why he acted as he did.

Oh, and good news...my engaged son told me just this morning that he feels HE was out of line and apologized to me as well.

I was hopeful on that he would come around, but NOW I am ecstatic that he came to that conclusion on his own AND is apologetic for his position on this potential powder keg of an issue.

Now that''s something to be grateful for...don''t you think?

Hint, hint...I did show his fiancee that I was posting threads on this website so MAYBE she told him about this one...I''m not sure if that happened, but I am just relieved that it is put to bed

and this issue is no more!

Thanks again for thinking I might have been offended or something...no one here offended me...a thought or view may make me do a double take, but it takes ALOT to offend me after living with 9 kids and a brilliant but not so tactful hubby...if you know what I mean...it was wonderful of you to think that I might need to have this clarified and I appreciate it...

Everyone who contributed has been so warm and I feel it right through each and every post!

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Date: 9/30/2005 3:32:02 PM
Author: DeannaBana

Date: 9/30/2005 3:10:50 PM
Author: aphisiglovessae
I think BigVig meant that the your hubby and son should have never even thought of not inviting the girlfriend because of her importance to your other son. In other words, it should not have even been an issue between you and those two. I don''t think the he/she meant that you shouldn''t have posted a thread about it.

Thanks Aphisglovessae for your clarification, however, I figured that out as well and I agree. It was one of those times that I wanted outside confirmation about something I had already thought of...if you know what I mean. I AM an emotional mom/wife and I just needed to hear from all of you that this should never had been an issue...which most of you did.

Oh good. I was pretty sure you figured that out, but I wanted to make sure. I totally know what you mean about wanting outside confirmation. I''m like that too. I''m terrible at making decisions and I''m always trying to get reassurance from others.

Reading it in black and white from others was so powerfully effective on my husband. I guess the fact that it wasn''t just me that echoed that thought triggered him to rethink his position and why he acted as he did.

I''m glad that we helped turn him around. Sometimes it takes more than one person to get a point across.

Oh, and good news...my engaged son told me just this morning that he feels HE was out of line and apologized to me as well.

Awesome!!!!

I was hopeful on that he would come around, but NOW I am ecstatic that he came to that conclusion on his own AND is apologetic for his position on this potential powder keg of an issue.

Now that''s something to be grateful for...don''t you think?

Of course

Hint, hint...I did show his fiancee that I was posting threads on this website so MAYBE she told him about this one...I''m not sure if that happened, but I am just relieved that it is put to bed

and this issue is no more!

I bet it''s a big load off your shoulders. I''m glad everything worked out and in a positive way.

Thanks again for thinking I might have been offended or something...no one here offended me...a thought or view may make me do a double take, but it takes ALOT to offend me after living with 9 kids and a brilliant but not so tactful hubby...if you know what I mean...it was wonderful of you to think that I might need to have this clarified and I appreciate it...

9 kids! Wow!

It was just my way of helping. It''s hard for some people to totally understand what another is trying to say through typed words. I figure it''s always helpful to get someone else''s perspective on posts. Glad you weren''t offended or anything.

Everyone who contributed has been so warm and I feel it right through each and every post!

Good! I know there are many friendly people here and it always feels good to have a sort of support group whenever you need one. We''re always here for you!!