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LAJennifer

LAJennifer

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 2, 2005
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Ok, so I am having a destination wedding in Hawaii. I have booked a photographer for 3 hours (he''s fabulous). My brother, his wife and children will be attending. Their youngest son will be almost one year old. So I just got this email from my SIL (she is truly like a sister to me), "Hey, wonder if I could pay your photographer to come a little early and shoot Owen’s pics for his first birthday? Can you send me his contact info?"

Hmmm, I don''t know how I feel about that. I kind of don''t want the photographer focusing on anything but my wedding. Also, if she were to contact him and ask for his services - I don''t know, would he be annoyed or think my family is trying to "cheap out"? I don''t want the photographer to have any negative feelings what so ever towards shooting my wedding. My fiance and I are paying for the whole wedding ourselves and I feel like I''ve spent too much money to risk any negativity.

Am I overreacting?
 
Wow, that''s quite a situation! I don''t think you''re overreacting at all -- I think your SIL has done a really unfair thing and put you in a very awkward position.

And I think you should tell her exactly that. That you feel very awkward but you''re really not comfortable with sharing your wedding day photog with her and that you''d rather keep the one-year-old b-day photo shoot and your wedding as two separate events. If you guys are as close as you say, then hopefully she will understand (and remember what it''s like to be a bride!) why you feel this way!!

Good luck -- with this and with the wedding in general!!
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Actually I was just thinking that maybe she wanted to do this specifically b/c it''s in Hawaii, and that would make for some darn cute baby photos.


So now I''m kind of torn

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I still think it was pretty wrong of your SIL to ask, but on the other hand I think that if she''d be willing to pay for an extra hour or so of your photog''s time -- provided it does not cut into YOUR time in any way whatsoever -- and if it''s really important to her, then maybe it''s worth discussing it with her. Again though, I would make it clear that you really are not thrilled with it and that you''d only do it if her photo shoot is kept completely separate from the wedding and that once the time comes that the photog is supposed to focus on the wedding that her time is o-v-e-r!!

Sorry, I know my wishy-washy stance really isn''t much help here!
 
If it''s because she wants the pictures done in Hawaii, I would still say no to having them done an hour earlier on your wedding day because you cannot predict how long it would take and really, who needs more stress?

But I would tell her that she can contact him to have the pictures taken any OTHER day while they are there, before or after the wedding day, if she wants to have them done in Hawaii.
 
Well, the photog should be told explicitly that baby shoot ends at X time, PERIOD, and wedding begins at Y time, PERIOD, so there would be no runover!!

I''m just trying to see both sides here. I still think that saying "no" is also a totally acceptable option
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what about doing it the next day?
 
Hmmm.... that''s a completely selfish/lazy/inconsiderate instinct on her part ... I couldn''t feel badly about being selfish in return & saying NO!

"I know it probably doesn''t seem like such a big deal to you, but, actually - I really want the photographer''s focus to be on THE WEDDING that day. I''m sure he''ll get some very cute photos of (child''s name) that day ...but if you want to schedule a portrait shoot with him A DIFFERENT DAY, you''re welcome to."

Give her the contact info ... but then tell the photographer that you *really* don''t want him to do the pictures THAT day. I''m sure his first loyalty is to you.
 
definitely not the same day as the wedding. that could just open up way too many issues, what if it runs over and she doesn''t want him to stop? drama! you just don''t want to be dealing with that the day of your wedding!!

i would say tell her that it has to happen the day before or day after the wedding kind of thing. i would say that you want the photographer focused on your wedding the day of, but that you are fine with her scheduling something another day they will be there. in terms of the photographer being upset, not sure why he would, if she is a paying customer and willing to pay what he asks, then who cares if she''s a family member? he might be glad for some extra business. or maybe he''s booked the other days!

in any case, i would just tell her it needs to be another day...and then i would also email or call the photographer and give HIM a heads up that she might be contacting him so at least he''s aware of who she is etc, and you can use that opp to reiterate to him you''d like him focused on your wedding the day of and nothing else (in a sweet way of course like...''well i told her that i just had to have you all to myself the day of the wedding!'') so that HE won''t be a ninny and let her talk him into booking that day etc.
 
Thanks for all the suggestions - I checked the photographers website (to check rates) and then reviewed my contract with the photographer and replied to her email (using some of deco''s verbiage). I love my SIL, but she often tries to do things on the cheap and is always looking out to score a deal (not necessarily a bad thing - but she has peeved off some contractors working on her house by being cheap and demanding, which in turn caused them to walk off the job and not finish it). What do you guys think?

"I know it probably doesn''t seem like such a big deal to you, but, actually - I really want the photographer''s focus to be on the wedding that day. To me, it is the most important aspect of my wedding. I''m sure he''ll get some very cute photos of Owen and Garrett that day and, if you like, I can tell him that getting wonderful pictures of the children is important to me (so I can make sure gives adequate attention to that request). We already have a contract and I don’t feel comfortable asking the photographer (or members of my wedding party asking the photographer) asking him to do anything outside of our contract. I don’t want him to get the feeling that anyone is trying to “get a deal” or “get extras” that may in turn sour him towards my event – resulting in sucky wedding photos which I paid a lot of money for.

A bit extreme – I know – but I really hope you understand.


That being said – I know he charges $400 for a portrait setting fee (the same amount that he charges me for each additional hour). Setting fees are also in the location of your choosing and you get $105 credit towards prints. That would definitely be an option for you to get great photos of both the kids (on a different day of course).


He also has this great package: Family Photo Story – he follows you around from breakfast until sunset – photojournalistic style – and ending with a portrait setting at the end of the day. All of this for $1200!!! (Everything is inflated for weddings). We might even consider splitting this one. What do you think?"


 
Honestly.. as long as your SIL is asking the photographer herself and not asking you to ask him.. and she is willing to pay him extra.. than I see absolutley NO problem with it.. The photographer at that point has every right to either say NO or to charge her full price for an extra hour of services..

And i really would NOT be worried about the photographer focusing on something other than your wedding. If you only hired him for 3 hours.. and she is going to have him before that, you have no idea what else he may have been planning on doing before your wedding anyway.. Maybe he''s shooting someone elses wedding. If it bothers you that much (I really do NOT NOT NOT understand why it would)... than have them go to a completely different location for the pictures and keep it separate..

I think you''re worrying unneccessarily about this..
 
jennifer i wouldn't even go into that level of detail. my email would be along the lines of.

'i think it's an awesome idea to contract him to take some photos of the kids! i'm sure he'd love to do a 'portrait sitting' (link to website) on the day before or the day after the wedding, you should contact him and ask if he is free on either of those days. the fee is $400 and i'm sure that you'd get lots of pictures you loved. here is his contact info...keep me posted!'

end of story. that makes your wishes quite clear without having to say you don't want it done that day AND you don't want her piggybacking on your contract/paid for photos.
 
No, I don''t care if he were to take pics of the kids. However, my wedding starts at 11 am (and I may decide last minute that I want him earlier than I originally expected). And, if she were to contact him on her own (I know her) she would do everything she could to try and get out of paying what he would normally charge for a setting fee - negotiating that he is "already there" for my wedding - or just a half hour instead of a whole hour, etc. Basically, I don'' want him to have negative feelings towards my wedding - because my SIL is trying to get "something for nothing". Or him thinking that I''m trying to get extra time for less than what was previously negotiated in my contract.
 
I don''t get it - there''s going to be awesome pictures of the kids taken by a professional wedding photographer whose wedding party is small so there''s lots of time for exposure once the ceremony is done.....Those pictures won''t be good enough to commemorate a one year old''s birthday while in Hawaii? She may be looking for a cheap deal - but I''d be satisfied with candid shots taken at the wedding. Now that''s cheap!
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Date: 9/13/2006 3:29:17 PM
Author: MelissaSue
If it bothers you that much (I really do NOT NOT NOT understand why it would)... than have them go to a completely different location for the pictures and keep it separate..

I think you''re worrying unneccessarily about this..
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The photographer shooting the kids does not bother me - what the photographer does prior to or immediately following my event does not bother me. My SIL pissing off the photographer (I know it sounds unlikely, but trust me) in advance of my event DOES bother me. And frankly, I''m unwilling to take that chance.
 
I would not give her any of the contact info prior to the wedding. Who knows what she might finagle on her own. When I got married, the photographer was at my house a few hours prior to the ceremony, so it''s unlikley he would have the time. You could call him on your own to ask if there is time, and if there isn''t then you can honestly say, sorry, he is booked that day, I''ll give you the contact info at the wedding. I would just be very vague about the details of everything.
 
Since the wedding is early in the day, maybe ask for her to do it after your wedding instead of before.
 
If they arranged to shoot pics of the child at 8 am or something like that, I seriously doubt it would interfere with your wedding. And I am not sure why you think the photographer could get angry. Wouldn''t he/she be happy for the referal and a chance to make more money? I do think it is no big deal at all.
 
Well...

Regardless of whether the photographer would like the referral, or whether it would really interfere with your time with the photographer is beside the point. I''m not a big proponent of "it''s her day, let it her have it her way or the highway" BUT the bottom line is that this would bother you and cause you anxiety, and it''s such an easy thing that your SIL could do to alleviate that. That is not what you need on your wedding day. Logical or not, you feel the way you do, and I don''t think that will go away....

Why do things bother us brides when other people "do not understand" why they do?
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Crazy bridelavirus maybe? I think every bride can get sensitive about SOMETHING...it''s just a matter of whether that button is pushed or not. You should have seen my FI and I last night have a heated discussion on the order of the first dance, which was important to me for reasons I won''t go into now.

So hopefully after you let your sister know WHY you want her kid''s shoot on a different day, she will be happy to oblige you. Yes, it''s "only one day" out of a lifetime together, but most of us *do* only get one shot at our wedding day.

Good luck!
 
Date: 9/13/2006 4:55:06 PM
Author: jazmine
If they arranged to shoot pics of the child at 8 am or something like that, I seriously doubt it would interfere with your wedding. And I am not sure why you think the photographer could get angry. Wouldn''t he/she be happy for the referal and a chance to make more money? I do think it is no big deal at all.
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I don''t think having a photo shoot with the kids would interfere - that isn''t the issue at all. However, she is a vendor''s nightmare client. She micromanages and always wants something for nothing. She has actually had hairdressers refuse to take her appointments after a couple of visits. This has happened more than once. That being said, she and I get along great and I can''t wait to see her. She has the freedom to tick off her OWN vendors as much as she can''t help herself - I couldn''t care less. BUT, I don''t want her ticking off MY vendor that I''ve already paid a lot of money to. I don''t want to be associated negatively to that kind of behavior, and taking the remote chance that that it would reflect in my wedding photos from the photographer being in a horrible mood or whatever.
 
Date: 9/13/2006 5:19:56 PM
Author: LAJennifer

Date: 9/13/2006 4:55:06 PM
Author: jazmine
If they arranged to shoot pics of the child at 8 am or something like that, I seriously doubt it would interfere with your wedding. And I am not sure why you think the photographer could get angry. Wouldn''t he/she be happy for the referal and a chance to make more money? I do think it is no big deal at all.
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I don''t think having a photo shoot with the kids would interfere - that isn''t the issue at all. However, she is a vendor''s nightmare client. She micromanages and always wants something for nothing. She has actually had hairdressers refuse to take her appointments after a couple of visits. This has happened more than once. That being said, she and I get along great and I can''t wait to see her. She has the freedom to tick off her OWN vendors as much as she can''t help herself - I couldn''t care less. BUT, I don''t want her ticking off MY vendor that I''ve already paid a lot of money to. I don''t want to be associated negatively to that kind of behavior, and taking the remote chance that that it would reflect in my wedding photos from the photographer being in a horrible mood or whatever.
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I agree with this thinking. SIL should book a separate event on a different day.

How I think you could frame it to her without hard feelings?

"One of the reasons I liked this photographer is his flexilibility....his willingness to show a bit earlier if I wish or stay a little later to make sure we capture the essence of the day. I don''t know if I''ll need that flexilibility, but since this is a once-in-a-lifetime, non-repeatable event, I really WANT him to stay flexible. If you schedule your portrait session immediately before or after, it puts me in a tough spot.....because if something does come up that I want him, I''ll have to choose between upsetting you by interrupting or upsetting me by missing the photo op.

I''d rather avoid even the slightest chance of that happening. What do you think about trying to schedule him the day after the wedding?"
 
Don''t explain too much, you''re just digging yourself deeper into a hole. Keep it short and simple. "Could you please not book anything with the photographer on the same day? It''s just going to stress me out." Or better yet... Make your brother shoot her down, it''s his wife and his sister''s wedding.. therefore it''s HIS problem.
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Pre-wedding stress and anxieties are the perfect blanket excuses for ixnaying this sort of thing.
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Hi, just lurking by... I would decline... however I would request for my own collection of photos that the photographer take a couple shots of *each* of the children as it is important to you to have those for yourself. Then I would surprise the SIL with one in a frame. but I wouldn''t let her make it about her child... no... but I''d find a way to get her something a little less than she wanted, as a surprise.
 
My sister has a 9 month old and requested that the photographer take a few shots of her just her, her hubby and the baby at our wedding. We had a small wedding (28 guests) and a photographer for 3+ hours, I saw no reason not to oblige her. My photographer was pregnant and so a bit baby happy and ended up taking several shots of my sister, her hubby and the baby in several combinations...now that I have my pictures back I am thrilled to have those shots and share them with my sister and her family as well as my mom and dad. It just was all part of the day. That she wants to pay your photographer says to me that she is not trying to infringe, just wants to take advantage of a potentially good situation. I wouldn''t be bothered by it at all, in fact I think I''d be flattered that my SIL thought enough of me that she would use the photographer I chose.
 
If you really feel strongly, tell your sil that you are likely to be talking to him and you will mention it to him, and that he will contact her. Then, I would call the photog and tell him the situation. Tell him you are thrilled for him to have the extra work the day before or after, as long as he is free, but that you really think it is just going to be problematic on the day of the wedding. If he seems to be in agreement and will "play along" (for example, telling you sil that he is happy to do it the day before or after but feels that his priority that day is you, and what with set up etc, he cannot commit to anything in the morning before your wedding...) then your sis in law can make a plan for another time. This way, it is a little white lie (bit not really, since I am sure he will need transit and set up time and so forth, and might very well like to be just thinking of you)...AND you have not been the heavy, let him be the one to say it!
 
Date: 9/13/2006 5:19:56 PM
Author: LAJennifer

I don''t think having a photo shoot with the kids would interfere - that isn''t the issue at all. However, she is a vendor''s nightmare client. She micromanages and always wants something for nothing. She has actually had hairdressers refuse to take her appointments after a couple of visits. This has happened more than once. That being said, she and I get along great and I can''t wait to see her. She has the freedom to tick off her OWN vendors as much as she can''t help herself - I couldn''t care less. BUT, I don''t want her ticking off MY vendor that I''ve already paid a lot of money to. I don''t want to be associated negatively to that kind of behavior, and taking the remote chance that that it would reflect in my wedding photos from the photographer being in a horrible mood or whatever.
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Jen, no need to even explain that far... I would feel exactly the same way. Photography is really important to you (the most important thing, you mentioned!) and you are aware that it is a creative process that probably has a better outcome when the artist doesn''t have to split his attention 2 ways on the same day. I know a fair amount of the photographers I''ve contacted explained that they won''t even book 2 weddings in one weekend, just to ensure their full energy and creativity is focused on one particular event.

Just a short, sweet, FIRM email should be fine. You love and respect your SIL and it sounds like you can be straight with her without it causing any sort of trouble or hurt feelings. So make it clear that it''s not going to work for "day of" photos, but you''d be glad to check with him on his availability for the day after.

Don''t feel bad about this at all... I think your reaction is COMPLETELY understandable... I''d do the same thing.
 
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