When a person you stopped being friends with comes back...

[janinegirly]

How do you handle it? A close friend of mine and I ended our friendship last year. It had been slowly deterirating for several reasons. First of all we just grew apart--she moved to a different part of the country, I got married had a baby. Over time though she became an exhausting friend, lots of drama to talk about, boy issues. I constantly had to support her which I did wlllingly but it became a one sided friendship. I won''t go into details but basically when I wanted her to be a supportive friend when the time was right, she was MIA and I grew tired of it all. One thing led to another and we sort of ended the friendship. I''ve thought about it once or twice, but realize we really weren''t that close afterall.

Well now she has just emailed me out of the blue and would like to rekindle. My first reaction was happiness--I have forgiven and of course it''s always nice to hear from an old friend. But then I started to take a step back, I don''t want to enter into something that will be an exhausting friendship again. She mentioned in her email that she is now living with her bf and happen to have found the one. While I"m happy for her and know it''s something she so badly wanted, I question the timing of the email--does she want to rekindle or is she wanting someone to talk about herself all the time again (as this is what happened in the past).

Just curious what others would do or if they''ve had similar situations. I think it''s probably pretty common.

 

[April20]

I am really, really leery of these type situations. Honestly, I''d keep her at a distance for a while and see if she''s really changed. So many times these type of people haven''t, but they''ve run thru everyone else and circle back to the beginning of the friend list and see who''s'' willing to "take them back".

 

[rierie26]

Ditto on being leary. If you still want to hang out with her, maybe just keep her as a casual acquaintance - someone to chat about fluffy stuff, meet for lunch, etc but not really get involved into their drama.

 

[oddoneout]

Stay away. It''ll be even harder the second time to get away (and stay away).

 

[elrohwen]

I agree with the others - stay away. I had a frenemy who I thought I was done with, but she emailed me New Years Day last year. I was torn on whether to be nice and respond, or to ignore, and I''m really glad I ignored. People don''t really change and if she wasn''t a good friend then, I don''t think she''ll be a good friend now.

 

[Lilac]

I started a thread around two weeks ago on whether or not people can change. The responses there were very interesting. After that thread, I found most of what people said to be absolutely true - people might think they have changed, but it''s extremely rare that they actually HAVE changed in reality.

The ex-friend who "inspired" me to start that thread showed once again that she has not changed (and probably never will).

If you do respond to your old friend, be very careful. Don''t let yourself get too emotionally attached or excited at the prospect of rekindling the friendship. It is possible that she has changed so maybe it is worth a shot, but it''s unlikely, so just be careful.

 

[atroop711]

PROCEED WITH CAUTION...

I''ve been there done that and you can easily get SUCKED right in. It''s nice to talk about old times and it''s nice to have an old friend back but it''s not nice to open the door to that old friend called TOXIC.

Just be careful!

 

[charbie]

I''m in the "just don''t do it" camp. There is no need for toxic friends. Your friendship fell apart for a reason, and it sounds like she is that reason. Don''t invite trouble back in.
I had a very close friend who caused me so many headaches. We were best of friends when it waa convenient for her. We had an issue (funny how I can''t remember what it was now...) but stopped talking. She called me out of the blue 2 yrs later and we fell right back into our old best friends routine. When I got engaged, I asked her to be in the wedding. She said, "yeah, but I have another wedding the week after that." I said I understood, (didn''t realize she was so popular as a bridesmaid) but she still agreed to do it. Months go by, my emails go unanswered, and she finally sends me an email that they are thinking about having the other bride''s bachelorette party the same weekend as my wedding (poor excuse) but she didn''t know if she could still be in the wedding. I called, basically just saiddont worry about my wedding, but I would just be happy if she could come.
Invites go out, no RSVP received from her. I send an email, asking if she is coming. She claims she never got the invite, but said she might come. She texted me the day of the wedding to wish me well. She emailed me a few weeks later and congratulated me and asked me to send pictures.


I haven''t, and won''t ever, responded back.

 

[missy]

Sadly, I have to agree with the previous posters. People rarely change and toxic friends are draining not only emotionally but damaging to your health as well.

I went through a similar experience. Suffice it to say that a year after we broke off our longterm friendship she wrote me a letter asking that we start anew. I was very happy at first because I had missed her but forgot all the toxic parts of our friendship. We fell into the same pattern and once again I became miserable and felt down all the time. She could never get enough of complaining about everything that was happening to her and how unfair her life was etc. It was exhausting and negative and nothing I could do or say ever helped her and only served to make me depressed. Breaking up a second time was a huge relief and whenever I am tempted to reach out to her (I just found out she got married and would love to congratulate her) I stop myself and try and remember how awful and draining our relationship was.

Of course there is always the exception to the rule and therein lies the rub. What to do...best of luck with what you decide. It can be a slippery slope but if the risk is worth it...only you can decide though.

 

[panda08]

I''ll offer a perspective from the other side of the fence. Many moons ago, I was neck-deep in an on-again, off-again toxic relationship that lasted for years. I had a friend who was awesome and supportive but she understandably grew weary of the drama. One day, in the gentlest way, she told me that she needed a break from me. By then, I had recently broken up with the ex, for good, but I knew that I had done things to hurt her and damage our friendship. I apologized profusely, wished her well and we parted ways. In the following years, I reached a better, happier place in my life and I often thought of her and wondered if it was possible to rekindle the friendship. Finally, with DH''s encouragement, I sent my friend an email, told her how much I missed her and valued her friendship and asked if she could give me a chance to be the friend I knew I could be. She responded very positively and since then, we''ve been talking and hanging out again. I''m extremely grateful that she let go of the past and we''re able to enjoy our friendship again.

This woman had qualities you valued and you were close friends. If you think those qualities may still be there, as a someone who''s been on the other side, I''d say give her a chance. If she turns out as toxic as she was before, you can always walk away.

 

[Puppmom]

I have a friend who I didn''t speak to for 5 years after a long drawn out *break up*. Our husbands remained linked and she eventually passed an apology letter through our husbands that really let me know that she had changed. I was cautious at first but she accepted responsibility for everything. I also think we both did a lot of growing during our off time - besides aging 5 years.

She got married and had a baby and I just did some growing as most people do between their early and mid-twenties.

With that said, the likelihood that your friend changed in the last year is not good. I''m in a similar situation. I woke up one day and realized that my *best-friend* was really more like a frenemy and she said one thing that pushed me over the edge and I haven''t spoken to her since. During this time away from her, I''ve had time to reflect on our relationship and man, is it disappointing when you realize how selfish someone is!

Good luck - if you decide to chat with her - be careful. It probably will only take a few conversations and you''ll be able to tell if anything''s changed.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I am so in this boat. I could go on and on... it''s a 25 year friendship that I have planned to keep forever, but I need some new boundaries at the very least. Reading these responses brought to light that I really have NEVER had a time where she was there for me. She openly complains that I don''t turn to her, but she''s never been there when I have and it never really bothered me. I''m not that needy and I have other friends. But boy, now that MY life is too preoccupied to be there for HER every beck and call, I''m not a good friend. Whatever!

 

[LamborghiniGirl]

i agree and disagree. so i am half and half

i have a friend i have know since we were 7-- and no surprise, we have changed many times- both of us. we have both gotten angry and cut off contact, sometimes for years at a time, but we always know we are still there for each other.

maybe 4 years ago she really changed, entered a bad part of life with bad habits and lots of issues. it was completely one-sided-- but at the time, she was in no way capable of being there for me. and at the time it pissed me off, but now i understand that all friendships evolve and change. in my case, i don''t plan on cutting her off-- i feel like we are in a marriage, with different phases and challenges.

now, when i need her, she is completely there for me. maybe in a few years she won''t be-- but we will always be friends.
then again, we have history, we grew up together-- whereas you and your friend may be a bit more casual.

with any other friend, i would say ditch her for good. i was just sharing my ''exception'' story.

 

[LamborghiniGirl]

oops double post

 

[megumic]

I always give someone a second chance, but third chances are another story. Personally, I would ask questions of her to find out why she has decided to contact you. I think this is important to know and understand her motives. If you plan to be friends again, or at least to try, I would indicate what your expectations are so you don''t have a repeat fall-out.

I really think this is a personal decision, and although proceeding with caution is a good idea, I actually do think people can change b/c I''ve seen it happen. But agreeably, it is rare.

 

[dragonfly411]

I have to join the don''t do it group. I had a friend who was very much like this. It was always about her, and any problems were always my fault. She tried to get back in touch with me to ask me to be in her wedding, and I was honest with her. I told her that our friendship had ended b/c I was always doing the work, and she was never there for me, and I didn''t need friends like that. She of course made it my fault for herself, but I didn''t care.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 3/11/2010 3:57:34 AM
Author: LamborghiniGirl
i agree and disagree. so i am half and half


i have a friend i have know since we were 7-- and no surprise, we have changed many times- both of us. we have both gotten angry and cut off contact, sometimes for years at a time, but we always know we are still there for each other.


maybe 4 years ago she really changed, entered a bad part of life with bad habits and lots of issues. it was completely one-sided-- but at the time, she was in no way capable of being there for me. and at the time it pissed me off, but now i understand that all friendships evolve and change. in my case, i don''t plan on cutting her off-- i feel like we are in a marriage, with different phases and challenges.


now, when i need her, she is completely there for me. maybe in a few years she won''t be-- but we will always be friends.

then again, we have history, we grew up together-- whereas you and your friend may be a bit more casual.


with any other friend, i would say ditch her for good. i was just sharing my ''exception'' story.

This is how I feel - I wouldn''t go so far as to say she is a toxic friend, but there are a lot of things she doesn''t understand. I just need to redefine things somehow. My mom and her best friend did the same thing - had years where they weren''t as close and years they couldn''t get any closer. They grew up together from 2 and 3 and were best friends and when they died 1 year apart they were never closer. In between they got married at different times, had children at different times, got divorced at different times - all things that made it so that they weren''t on the same page. I feel that way. I''ve been married almost 19 years and have 3 children, the oldest of which will be 16 this year. She has a PhD, no dh, no kids and her biological clock is starting to go off even though she''s in huge denial of it. She''s going through the process of having her eggs frozen but still claims she doesn''t know if she wants kids. She needs a partner and I think she''s very lonely and it breaks my heart for her but I can seriously do without the guilt because I am not there for her preemptively. I''ve made it clear if she needs me I am here for her, but my life is so overwhelming and making phone calls is so tough until we move. She can get me on my cell phone here in china but it''s harder for me to call her. I was there when she was going through grad school even though she had no interest whatsoever in my baby-making. Now that I''m on this huge adventure on the other side of the world, trying to handle a family of 5 through the process - I''m not giving enough to her. I feel bad for her but right now is not the best time to think I should be psychicly anticipating her needs - and it pisses me off that I should be made to feel guilty when there is no guilt on her part whatsoever for her not being there for me countless times. A friendship is more than a tally of who has been there for whom, but right now I cannot relate to what she''s going through and I just wish she would turn to someone else for support at this time. Her needs are just too great for what I have available right now. I admit I''m in a very "me" place but it''s the first time ever. She''s always in a "me" place.

Is it just cruel to put it like that? Ugh - I know it is...

 

[missy]

"A friendship is more than a tally of who has been there for whom, but right now I cannot relate to what she's going through and I just wish she would turn to someone else for support at this time. Her needs are just too great for what I have available right now. I admit I'm in a very "me" place but it's the first time ever. She's always in a "me" place.

Is it just cruel to put it like that? Ugh - I know it is... "

I don't think this is cruel at all. It is just a fact. I agree that friendships (in fact relationships in general) aren't just a tally of who does what for whom and who is there more for the other etc but it does factor in for sure. Marriage is also not (or should not) be a tally of whom does more for the other etc but if there is a huge imbalance that is when it does start to matter. There is no such thing as a perfectly balanced and equal relationship be it marriage, friendship or family relationships. However if a relationship is that unbalanced that is when resentments and problems come to the forefront.

We all have times when our friends are more needy than we are and vice versa and in good friendships we know that the other will be there for us no matter what. It is when you are not sure of this fact that you know there is a problem in the friendship. My true friends can count on me and I know I can count on them no matter the turmoil going on at any given moment in our lives. No tallying of who is doing more for whom at all.

I suspect if your friend was always there for you when you needed here this would be a non-issue. However, because that is not the case and because your friend always put her needs first that is why you (and rightly so IMO) just don't have the energy for her now. We all need to be the needy one once in a while. After all, there is only so much selfless energy to go around. Sometimes we need to be the selfish ones.

 

[HVVS]

Your friendship fell apart for a reason, and it sounds like she is that reason.

Naw. Couldn't be partly that someone else's marriage and/or children totally changed the dynamic that used to exist between two single female friends, could it? Give her a chance. Maybe now that you are both coupled, everything will be on a more equal playing field. I know from personal experience that it's a drag and it's depressing when all of your single friends are married and involved with families, and you're stuck as a single who doesn't want to be single. I know for a fact that I never had a decent adult conversation with any of my married-mom friends nor with my sister after those kids came along. Know what? I dumped those friendships in favor of single people who were actually available to be friends and do activities together, without having to ask the Daddy, cart the baby gear, and make every outing like preparing for a lunar expedition, or wheedle and cajole some screaming toddler into doing whatever. So, there are two sides to every story. Maybe some of your behaviors and situation caused problems for her. Give her the benefit and at least agree to meet and talk. If it goes South from there, so what.

 

[Strawdermangrl]

I am going through a "breakup" with my closest friend since childhood right now. We did the whole "breakup" thing a few years ago and it seemed to work, make us appreciate each other more, ect. We then, like history repeating, fell back into the same old habits. Not saying that she is a bad person or that I am either, just that maybe the personalities and priorities that we had when we were younger are not the same now that we are older. We were a great support system for each other when we went through some really hard times (my mom passing and her dad passing). Couldn''t have made it through without her by my side, really. I was blessed with her. She was angry with me because I didn''t respond to an issue she had in a way that she wanted. She also had some things go on with her that I confided in my ex about. Out of spite he let her know that I had told him. Mistake, probably. I trusted someone and they threw it in my face.

Fact of the matter was that she took it as me “gossiping” about her situation, not the case. I was heartbroken she felt that way, not my intention nor would it ever be something I would do. There were a few things that have gone on with me recently that I would have like and actually craved more support from her, but didn''t receive it. I have called to attention the fact that she is very passive aggressive and I am very direct and has caused a huge communication barrier. I have told her that if there is an issue, please let me know. How are you to have a good relationship if you can''t communicate? Regardless, I made the suggestion to take a break for a while and re-evaluate and see if this was worth salvaging or if we should cut ties. We decided to cut ties. Sad, I definitely hurt

, but at the same time- I believe that you have people in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. No pointing fingers because personalities and lives change paths, it happened and there isn’t anything I can do. I am going embrace what our friendship was but I am going to move forward. You can always recall, fondly, the friendship you had but it comes to a point where you have to do what is best for the both of you. If things are meant to be, they will always find a way. Proceed with caution, but notice the red flags as they appear and if they don''t? Cherish the friendship!!!! Good luck!

 

[monarch64]

Date: 3/12/2010 11:55:38 AM
Author: HVVS

Your friendship fell apart for a reason, and it sounds like she is that reason.

Naw. Couldn''t be partly that someone else''s marriage and/or children totally changed the dynamic that used to exist between two single female friends, could it? Give her a chance. Maybe now that you are both coupled, everything will be on a more equal playing field. I know from personal experience that it''s a drag and it''s depressing when all of your single friends are married and involved with families, and you''re stuck as a single who doesn''t want to be single. I know for a fact that I never had a decent adult conversation with any of my married-mom friends nor with my sister after those kids came along. Know what? I dumped those friendships in favor of single people who were actually available to be friends and do activities together, without having to ask the Daddy, cart the baby gear, and make every outing like preparing for a lunar expedition, or wheedle and cajole some screaming toddler into doing whatever. So, there are two sides to every story. Maybe some of your behaviors and situation caused problems for her. Give her the benefit and at least agree to meet and talk. If it goes South from there, so what.

Wow. Bitter, much?

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 3/12/2010 1:39:22 PM
Author: monarch64

Date: 3/12/2010 11:55:38 AM

Author: HVVS

Your friendship fell apart for a reason, and it sounds like she is that reason.

Naw. Couldn''t be partly that someone else''s marriage and/or children totally changed the dynamic that used to exist between two single female friends, could it? Give her a chance. Maybe now that you are both coupled, everything will be on a more equal playing field. I know from personal experience that it''s a drag and it''s depressing when all of your single friends are married and involved with families, and you''re stuck as a single who doesn''t want to be single. I know for a fact that I never had a decent adult conversation with any of my married-mom friends nor with my sister after those kids came along. Know what? I dumped those friendships in favor of single people who were actually available to be friends and do activities together, without having to ask the Daddy, cart the baby gear, and make every outing like preparing for a lunar expedition, or wheedle and cajole some screaming toddler into doing whatever. So, there are two sides to every story. Maybe some of your behaviors and situation caused problems for her. Give her the benefit and at least agree to meet and talk. If it goes South from there, so what.

Wow. Bitter, much?

That is incredibly rude to assume, for a number of reasons I won''t even bother listing. But I feel sorry for all the "friends" you ditched just because their lives moved on while yours stayed the same. No, it isn''t easy being the single friend when everyone around you is married and has kids, but REAL friends try to work through that.

 

[monarch64]

I guess if you have children and/or a husband you are a toxic friend??? So confused.

 

[Indylady]

I would be cordial, but keep a distance and wouldn''t let myself get into another ''friendship''. There''s a reason why things ended, right? If your life better without her? If it is, then don''t go back.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 3/12/2010 2:31:52 PM
Author: monarch64
I guess if you have children and/or a husband you are a toxic friend??? So confused.

I have to say, HVVS, I know you''ve mentioned before how you''ve dropped friendships in the past because your friends had families of their own and you weren''t in the same place. That seems so selfish to me. I know what it''s like to have friends who start a family and be the single one or the ''married without children'' one in those friendships. Yep, I''ve been in different places than my friends in that regard, but I would never consider dropping my friends because of their decisions to move ahead with their life plans. I completely agree with MP and Monnie.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Renee - so much of what you said rings with me.

The particular dance that my friend and I do is to music I helped write. It''s just a fact. While she was much more social than I (class president etc.), I was always very *real* in a high school world of superficiality. At first I took on a mentoring role in her life and even though she is now a psychologist and I don''t consider myself a mentor in any way to her - she does turn to me almost in a psychological role as someone that she can discuss things with that the only other person is her therapist. So by not being there for her I create a huge, huge void and not only is she missing out on whatever it was I provided, but I break her heart with the rejection at the same time. It''s like a double slap in the face. I totally get this. I really do and I want to be there for her. But somehow I need to help her to stand on her own. She would be pissed to hear me say that as she already feels way too independent - but the comments she makes about all of her partnered friends tells me that she doesn''t get it. She doesn''t get that other people''s lives get to the point where they are not really able to give much. What she needs and wants more than anything is a true life partner and yet she is so uncompromising. I want to be there for her, but the amount of support she needs is more than I can give - I''m on the other side of the world, struggling to adjust to a crazy move and everything that entails.

For the record - getting married and having children didn''t do TOO much to our relationship. When I got married it was no biggie. I was going down the domestic road and she was going down the academic road and we supported and appreciated the differences - we were so young (21) and it made no difference. She was young and single and dating like mad and having a grand time. We lived on opposite coasts and it was a non issue. When I had my daughter things got sticky in that I was overwhelmed, completely, with these amazing emotions involving the wonderment and miracle of having a child and it all bored her. She accused me of saying she wasn''t mature enough or whatever and I just learned to compartmentalize and share that world with other people. Not a really big deal. Since I was occupied in a way that involved naps and early bedtimes, I could still talk for hours about what she was going through with various men and grad school. I could talk about my marriage, but the kids not so much. She never forbade it, but it was obvious she had no interest. When the kids got older we were able to connect more and more and we are seriously bonded on several levels, but now that she''s in a super high need mode about freezing her eggs and emotions that I NEVER seen to under stand (her words) and I''m super busy and my mind is totally preoccupied and I''m on the other side of the planet with time zone issues - I just can''t be there for her as I was in the past. And maybe I''m irritated that she keeps insisting that I need to be there for her on issues I have no interest in. I mean - I do care and hope she is successful with her freezing, but her emotions are so raw and rollar coaster - I don''t know from one minute to the next if she ever even wants to use them. She still claims to have zero desire to have children but from an outsiders perspective she is screaming biological clock and denial. But of course I''m wrong on this so seriously - why come to me about it? if I don''t understand despite repeated explanations - maybe I''m not the one to talk to about this. And it isn''t that she calls me up to discuss it - it''s that she wants ME to reach out to her. It''s so contrived. I''ve told her how to skype me on my cell phone, but it is very difficult to call her. It''s like it''s all some big test of my loyalty and I find it immature. But I also remember 20 years ago when I was a newlywed making some demands on my husband like similar to this - wanting him to reach out like this. But I''ve long outgrown it - it''s so much easier in every way to just ACCEPT that the person loves you and reach out to them.

Okay I''m babbling too much and I''m sure no one actually cares, but this thread is really hitting a nerve - maybe something in all of this is helpful, I hope so but I apologize if it was just a waste of your past 10 minutes lol

 

[Strawdermangrl]

Date: 3/12/2010 7:29:05 PM
Author: Cehrabehra
Renee - so much of what you said rings with me.

The particular dance that my friend and I do is to music I helped write. It''s just a fact. While she was much more social than I (class president etc.), I was always very *real* in a high school world of superficiality. At first I took on a mentoring role in her life and even though she is now a psychologist and I don''t consider myself a mentor in any way to her - she does turn to me almost in a psychological role as someone that she can discuss things with that the only other person is her therapist. So by not being there for her I create a huge, huge void and not only is she missing out on whatever it was I provided, but I break her heart with the rejection at the same time. It''s like a double slap in the face. I totally get this. I really do and I want to be there for her. But somehow I need to help her to stand on her own. She would be pissed to hear me say that as she already feels way too independent - but the comments she makes about all of her partnered friends tells me that she doesn''t get it. She doesn''t get that other people''s lives get to the point where they are not really able to give much. What she needs and wants more than anything is a true life partner and yet she is so uncompromising. I want to be there for her, but the amount of support she needs is more than I can give - I''m on the other side of the world, struggling to adjust to a crazy move and everything that entails.

For the record - getting married and having children didn''t do TOO much to our relationship. When I got married it was no biggie. I was going down the domestic road and she was going down the academic road and we supported and appreciated the differences - we were so young (21) and it made no difference. She was young and single and dating like mad and having a grand time. We lived on opposite coasts and it was a non issue. When I had my daughter things got sticky in that I was overwhelmed, completely, with these amazing emotions involving the wonderment and miracle of having a child and it all bored her. She accused me of saying she wasn''t mature enough or whatever and I just learned to compartmentalize and share that world with other people. Not a really big deal. Since I was occupied in a way that involved naps and early bedtimes, I could still talk for hours about what she was going through with various men and grad school. I could talk about my marriage, but the kids not so much. She never forbade it, but it was obvious she had no interest. When the kids got older we were able to connect more and more and we are seriously bonded on several levels, but now that she''s in a super high need mode about freezing her eggs and emotions that I NEVER seen to under stand (her words) and I''m super busy and my mind is totally preoccupied and I''m on the other side of the planet with time zone issues - I just can''t be there for her as I was in the past. And maybe I''m irritated that she keeps insisting that I need to be there for her on issues I have no interest in. I mean - I do care and hope she is successful with her freezing, but her emotions are so raw and rollar coaster - I don''t know from one minute to the next if she ever even wants to use them. She still claims to have zero desire to have children but from an outsiders perspective she is screaming biological clock and denial. But of course I''m wrong on this so seriously - why come to me about it? if I don''t understand despite repeated explanations - maybe I''m not the one to talk to about this. And it isn''t that she calls me up to discuss it - it''s that she wants ME to reach out to her. It''s so contrived. I''ve told her how to skype me on my cell phone, but it is very difficult to call her. It''s like it''s all some big test of my loyalty and I find it immature. But I also remember 20 years ago when I was a newlywed making some demands on my husband like similar to this - wanting him to reach out like this. But I''ve long outgrown it - it''s so much easier in every way to just ACCEPT that the person loves you and reach out to them.

Okay I''m babbling too much and I''m sure no one actually cares, but this thread is really hitting a nerve - maybe something in all of this is helpful, I hope so but I apologize if it was just a waste of your past 10 minutes lol

Sara- Goes to my question about communication. How can you carry entire relationship on your shoulders when you get NO effort from the other side? Check this out, here is the whole story about our breakup: Ex-BFF started our whole ‘fight’ when she decided to, last weekend, email my ex. I had no idea until Monday when I got a nasty gram from him telling me he didn’t appreciate said friend emailing him and telling him what a POS he is for what he did to me. I was like,

1) we broke up 6 months ago, 6!!!! Why on earth would you take it upon yourself to MESSAGE someone you met a handful of times and haven’t had contact with since before we broke up!??!

Yeah, that is what I said. 2) He, understandably was pissed that she would bring up this issue and tell him she doesn’t respect him as a person. I had confided in her, as most do with BFF about what had happened to us. VERY PRIVATE, nonetheless. Ex and I decided we weren’t going to tell everyone details, he told his BFF (he told me he did) She emailed him and basically spelled everything out to him about how I had told her the details..ect. ect. and how could he do that. blah blah blah. He retaliated with telling her “well she told me that you had blah blah blah going on.” Which, in turn, ended our relationship because she couldn’t believe that I would EVER divulge that kind of information to BF. WHAT!? Did you just email ex out of the clear blue on an issue that you had NO RIGHT talking about?! I thought we graduated HS, actually, we graduated college..2x!!!! This is my take: A) I confided in the 2 people in the world that I am close to. They blab about betrayal and how could I do that, how could THEY do that? The more I think about it, the more I realize that I should be the pissed party!!! Let me backtrack and say that I am a very trustworthy person, always have been and always will be. If my ex-BFF had said to me “I’d prefer that you not tell B about this and keep it between us” It would have been that way, no questions asked. She also accused my telling ex about said situation as “gossiping”. Really? Not like I posted it as my status on FB and had a party to tell everyone I knew about it. That is right, by confiding in my BF I was gossiping. I didn’t and won’t ever tell another soul about it, just the way I am. Thing that gets me is how I am being called to trial for being a betrayer but they are the ones that stirred it all up and out of immaturity (on ex’s part, it was a spiteful jab) and for her emailing him, why, again, would you EVER do that?!