when do I stop waiting?

[decodelighted]

First of all ... I''m glad you talked to him & got an answer you''re happy with. (Even though you have mixed feelings about the situation). Communication is so important. Seems like he may need a bit of help in the maturity area (re: the "you make me not want to do it, punishing statement) but you both are young & hopefully will grow together into more sophisticated communicators.

Re: your dad. I''d leave it be. Obviously he had your best interests at heart. It was your boyfriend that asked his permission/blessing whatever -- your dad SHOULD speak from his heart & not just blindly give approval if he doesn''t feel its been earned yet. Catch 22. If you''re the type of couple who wants/seeks parental approval then you kinda have to accept the outcome, right? Hopefully your father will see the progress & efforts & have a different reaction now. If not -- you two can decide to go AGAINST your father''s advice & proceed anyway. That''s the thing about adulthood, yanno?

 

[Winks_Elf]

Don''t get mad at your father...he did you a favor. By refusing his blessing, the boy who asked for your hand became a man worthy of you and your father''s blessing. This is a very good thing, and you will appreciate it later in life (especially when some poor lad comes knocking on your door, 20-something years from now, asking for your own daughter''s hand).

 

[blueberrydot]

Waiting, I'm so glad that you had this talk with your SO and everything is now clear. He sounds like a really great guy and has a wealth of maturity for someone who is still quite young!

re: your father - I agree that you should leave it be for now. You ARE young, and I think that is a legitimate concern for any parent, and if your SO wasn't in a position last year to start a marriage, your dad absolutely did the right thing by telling him to wait. However, if your father still refuses consent after your SO asks him for his blessing again, then that's where a conversation needs to happen. Hopefully, however, your father will see everything that your SO has done to be worthy of you and respect both your wishes to get married. There is no reason to be angry at, or disappointed in your father at this moment, because he really is not the reason that you've been in distress - I think your SO not feeling able to tell you why he was waiting so long was more the reason. However, it's ABSOLUTELY understandable why he felt unable to tell you about it. There's really no one at fault in this situation, IMO.

Sending you lots of holiday dust!!!

 

[lilyfoot]

Wow, what an amazing outcome. I don''t think any one of us was expecting that!

So, obviously, that''s great for you. Your boyfriend DEFINITELY wants to marry you, and has been working at becoming "acceptable" in your fathers eyes for a long time. Hopefully his chat with your dad goes well, and you won''t be a LIW for too much longer

 

[trillionaire]

I''m all late to this thread, but I did want to add a few things. Life is incredibly complex, and there are millions of reasons that men and women approach engagement differently. Men are more likely to want their proverbial ducks in a row, while women focus on finding the right person, and proceeding from there. You have to know YOUR partner, and if they are the type to feed you lines and string you along, if they just aren''t ready yet, or if they have the best INTENTIONS, even if they don''t have the best TIME FRAME.

I am engaged to one of the crazy men who had the ring for a year, and though my crazy LIW mind had some questions about ''what-if,'' my heart knew that my then BF was insanely committed, loyal, loving and had every intention of marrying me. I had to remember the times years earlier when I was not ready to get married, and marriage talk freaked me out, or the time when he told me that if my intention for our relationship was not marriage, then we need to have a serious conversation about continuing on. And you know what? I told him what he wanted to hear, because I was scared to say ''I''m not sure." People just move at different paces, even if they have good intentions. FI had the ring on our 5th anniversary, when we took a trip together, and he didn''t propose. He had it for my 26th birthday, and didn''t propose. He didn''t do it for Valentine''s Day, or over the holidays that we spent with both of our families. He did it at my family reunion, because he wanted me to be able to have a story to tell, like all of the friend''s that I''ve told him about over the years... and he wanted to share it with my family. I wouldn''t have waited so long, but I loved my proposal, and couldn''t have thought of anything better. If you are going to marry someone, you have to trust them. That is, in their words and in their actions. It''s okay to have a freak out, but LIW''s should not undermine their own relationships by badgering their men to death. And if you can''t take it anymore, talk. (like the OP did!)

And about your dad, give him a BIG HUG AND A KISS. Financial problems can kill relationships, and so can laziness and lack of work ethic. You dad did what ALL dads should do, which is stand up for the best interests of their child. It takes maturity to recognize his actions for what they are. Also, in the grand scheme of things, you are really young, so your FF had time to work on these things and still have a long life with you after marriage. Really, a win-win. I know my dad loves my FI, but he had a stern talk with him, and told him some things that he didn''t want to hear, because, honestly, it''s not his job to candy-coat things. Marriage is a long reality. You should be prepared for it. On the converse, you guys are adults. You don''t need anyone''s approval. (it''s better to have it, though).

 

[TooPatient]

That is just so sweet.

He really loves you and wants to honor your feelings (getting permission) and respects your family. When your father said no, he didn''t give up or go against him. He worked even harder.

I know the wait wasn''t/isn''t easy but you''ve got a wonderful man who loves you very much. (I love happy endings)

 

[nkarma]

Date: 11/12/2009 10:27:33 AM
Author: lucyandroger

nkarma, honestly you're the only one I see overreacting on this thread. I know you have some axe to grind over previous advice you got but this is just ridiculous.

You obviously did not get the reference I was talking about with the he's just not into you episode. In the episode, the women were making lots of excuses for why the guy did not call when in reality it was because he did not want to. I was NOT saying that Waiting's BF was not 'into her.' Give me a break.

You've put words into lots of people's mouths on here. And why would anyone break up with their BF because someone told them to do so on an anonymous internet forum

If you come on the internet and tell us what a jerk your BF is being, don't then get upset when everyone thinks your BF is a jerk! We only know what you tell us!

Waiting, I'm really glad you had a talk with your boyfriend. I hope things work out for you.

You are probably right about the overreaction. None of this is my business. I am just of the school of thought that people should be encouraging the LIW to embrace her relationship and deal with this time with patience escpecially if they have had the marriage/future talk tons of times and he has bought a ring. It may be better to assume that he has good intentions (like we later found out he did). I know there are some guys that are out there stringing women along, but I hope and have found they are in the minority. I am just not sure all this anger or frustration that the ladies get from these responses are going to turn into something good for the relationship. I see someone going home to their bf and being like the people on the forum think we should be engaged by now and riling them up instead of calming them down. And then the bf will react the same way he did, feeling like he doesn't want to propose.

I did get the reference to STC. I HEART STC and have seen the episode 20+ times. Maybe I didn't read your post right, but when someone references that it usually means you should do what Miranda did and realize by his actions (not calling, etc...) that he doesn't care and move on.

Anyways, Waiting, I am glad you know what's going on now and I too think it's great that your Dad has your best interest at heart. I agree that there is a lot of value in being older and more established when you make that commitment (as stated in previous posts in this thread).
Sorry to have started this whole thing in your thread. I don't know if it was an overreaction to my thread or not because I wasn't too upset at the time and nothing too negative resulted from the responses I got. But now that I have been through the waiting period, wrote my own post with several get the hell out of there responses, and look back at how impatient/crazy I was, I realize it was all for not. So that is my advice to you as well, try not to get too crazy and really focus on what makes him the man you want to marry and hopefully this time for you will be really great.

I hope no harsh feelings from anyone. Written communication is the worst way to communicate and I seriously meant no offense.

 

[ringless]

Date: 11/10/2009 1:42:01 PM
Author:WaitingandWaiting
Ladies- I need to come to you for support since I am at a loss of what to do. I am starting to feel sick to my stomach, on edge, frazzled, you name it.

I have been with my bf just for a little over 7 years. We live together, have a great relationship, etc, other than the fact that I am waiting to get engaged and its driving me nuts. He has the ring, I know what you’re thinking “girl you’re better off than some of us, quit complaining”, but he has been hanging onto this thing for almost a year. I didn’t say anything sooner, because I didn’t want to “ruin it” but now I am at the point where I am beside myself with anxiety, to the point where it is consuming my every thought, and preventing me from functioning. When I say things like, “Oh my friend Lisa is getting engaged. Its only been 6 months. But I guess when you know you know”, he gets p*ssed off, and tells me “when you say stuff like that, you make me not want to do it”. Maybe he is planning for x-mas, maybe its coming and I don’t know it, but every day that passes buy and it doesn’t happen, I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out. I don’t know if he just doesn’t understand what this does to me, or if he just doesn’t care?? I said to him last month that it would mean the world to me if we got engaged before the holidays, still nothing. If he doesn’t do it, what does that mean? I just don’t know what to do anymore, and how much longer I should wait without him proposing (and having the ring) before it means he just isn’t going to do it? HELP!

I dont know how much help I can be, but I waited for 8 years and a month almost! It was SO worth the wait. I had SO many moments where I was so fed up and frustrated, crying over every little thing. I was SO mean to my fiance at the time!! He said he has noticed such a dramatic change in my attutide and everything since we''ve been engaged. It''s amazing what commitment and a ring will do to a girl I say hang in there girl!! I know it is so hard to wait, especially when you''ve been together for 7 years Be patient.. good things come to those who wait.. I am living proof!

 

[fuzzers]

I am SO happy to see how this thread turned out.

Waiting... please stick around LIW and keep us updated!

 

[purrfectpear]

What an interesting turn of events (and a big relief !!!).

I hope this time the BF more or less TELLS dad that he plans to ask you though. He''s been through enough, and now I really think it''s up to the two of you

 

[luckynumber]

wow, didn''t see that one coming!

told you a heart to heart talk was needed.

he sounds like a keeper and i hope it all works out for you

 

[partgypsy]

Whoa. I don't know if anyone here are LOST fans, but if you are you'll remember the scene where Desmond goes to meet Penelope's father and gets verbally body-slammed to the ground. Anyways that's what popped into my head.

A similar thing happened with my Dad and my to be husband. My dad didn't feel he (really none of my boyfriends) were good enough, primarily about not making enough income. I understood his views, but at the same time were supporting ourselves and living independently. Personally if my husband at the time asked my Dad formally, not sure what he would have said. After 6 years of being together we eloped and called him after we were married.

Good luck! It sounds like your guy really manned up. If your Dad says no again, you are adults, can make your own decision from there.

 

[Pushin40]

WOW! What a "story"!!!!

Waitingandwaiting.....Lemme just tell ya:

You are one lucky girl to have a dad and a BF who love you so much.
Don''t be mad at your Dad. He just wants best for you.

HANG IN THERE!!!

 

[zoebartlett]

I didn''t see that coming at all. I''m glad you and your boyfriend talked openly about things and got everything sorted out. I''m sorry the talk he had with your dad the first time around didn''t go as planned. It sounds like he''s doing everything he can now.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Wow, I am so happy to read your update. I don''t think I''ve ever read an LIW story with quite the same outcome, so kudos to you for keeping it together and communicating with your boyfriend!

I wish you both much happiness, and I look forward to seeing updates from you in the coming months!

 

[MermaidKelly]

Date: 11/10/2009 11:48:37 PM
Author: IceExplorer
W&W -

Remember when you told me:

-The best proposal was on the the first snow fall that your childhood friend Sally told you about

-It was so cute in the rain, when John told Jen he loved her and gave her a ring

-Kathy got proposed to under the mistletoe with a full moon and perfectly manicured grass in bare feet...



All of you women want us to provide you with THE BEST PROPOSAL...E V E R!!!


It''s not necessarily ''YOU'' - However - ''YOU'' are all worth our efforts! It''s not easy for us to make it PERFECT - Please be patient!!!


Sorry if we don''t do it in YOUR time frame but THERE IS AAAAAA LLLLL OOOO TTTT OF Pressure here!!!!!!!!!


In your situation you''ve been very patient.

I would like to express that he is probably BURSTING at his seams to ask you but...he wants it to be perfect - FOR YOU.

I read this to my boyfriend over the phone and he loved it! He said that sums up most guys thoughts very well haha!

 

[Blackpaw]

Wow waiting that''s so sweet - i teared up reading it

congratulations on your engagement, i remember your original thread and im so glad its worked out so great for you both

gorgeous ring too! cant wait to see more pics of that beauty

 

[Blackpaw]

how did this happen! i thought i posted a reply but i must have ended up over here before i did it! anyways ive re-posted in the right spot