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Which of the following are reasonable Bachelorette Party expenses/requests?

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ruthenium

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Which of the following are reasonable Bachelorette Party expenses/requests?

- all expenses paid weekend bash for the bride (flight+hotel+food+drinks+entertainment+limo)

- hotel + food + drinks + limo

- dinner + drinks + limo

- chipping in for airfare for out of town bridesmaids to party

- getting a part time job solely to pay for above expenses

Some bridesmaids are currently students, unemployed, underemployed, or in a massive amount of debt; should that be taken into consideration?

Your input is really appreciated. Thank you
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Date: 12/1/2009 12:32:31 AM
Author:ruthenium


Some bridesmaids are currently students, unemployed, underemployed, or in a massive amount of debt; should that be taken into consideration?
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ABSOLUTELY

Other than that, I guess I don't understand your question. Are you the bride and wondering what you are expected to pay for? Or a bridesmaid planning a party for a bride?

Any bachelorette party of which I was a part was pretty much paid for by each individual - so each person pays their airfare, chips in for a split room, pays for their own dinner and drinks, and then the guests chip in for the bride-to-be's meal and drinks, and if a limo were to be involved, I wouldn't make the bride pay for that, just split it between the party guests.
 
I'm sticking with dinner, drinks, and limo. (Although I don't think a limo is necessary either)

I think expecting bridesmaids to pay for anything above that (or really anything at all) is excessive and especially if some bridesmaids are students it is really inappropriate to ask them to pay for more.

It's only appropriate if ALL the bridesmaids are very close friends and everyone decides mutually that they would like to do more (and can all afford to do so).

If the bride is forcing more-then that's pretty Bridezilla IMO. And if some of the bridesmaids aren't taking the others into consideration when making plans-that's pretty darn rude.

Why not plan something low key so all bridesmaids can afford to attend and not be put out by the expense?
 
Since the girls will most likely be paying for their gowns, shoes, hair, hotel for after the weddin (I have several ladies that don''t live in the general area of the wedding, so they''ll stay at a local hotel for the NOTW),etc., I think something more low key is in order.
 
Thank you sonnyjane & neatfreak.

We just started planning the party, and found out an all expenses paid weekend was expected by the bride. Some of us were caught off guard, because the bride previously attended parties where she was a student, and not asked to contribute to any expenses.

She understands our predicament, and advised us to find part time work. She also suggested she can pay her own airfare, while we shoulder the rest of her expenses (food + drinks) for the weekend. She knows she will "losing out" if she takes this route because she will be paying for others'' entire expenses for future parties, but is willing to compromise because she is mindful of our situation.

The choice of destinations are on both coasts, and the bridal party is also split geographically. No matter where it is held, half the party will need to travel. Having the Party the weekend of the wedding to save on airfare is also apparently out of the question.

Thanks again.
 
Sorry, but if I was drinking something while reading your post, I would have spit it on my laptop screen by now. If a bride ever told me I needed to get a part-time job to pay for HER bachelorette party I'd kindly bow out of that wedding party. I've NEVER EVER EVER heard of people paying for the bride's AIRFARE, so don't act like she's doing you a solid by offering that one. When I said paying for a meal and drinks was acceptable for the bride, I meant for a NIGHT, not an entire weekend! This is ridiculous!!!!!!!!! No true friend would ever ask that of her bridal party. I'm in shock.


If you put up with this, heaven help you. I can't imagine what expenses you'll incur attending the WEDDING!
 
Thank you Melissa.

There are three and a half days of festivities that celebrate her special wedding day weekend. She has generously pointed out she is offering accommodations so we can spend the weekend together celebrating her union.
 
Thanks again sonnyjane.

The fiance will be enjoying an all out bash, and has previously funded numerous others. So expectations have been set high.

Some of the bridesmaids are in the position to cater to every whim, and we don't want to deprive the bride of those indulgences. Is there any fair & tactful way of divvying the expenses?

We are also considering sending our share of the bride's expenses, and bowing out of the Party. Our personal budgets barely cover the flight + hotel let alone any additional expenses. However the bride is exceedingly sweet and sentimental, and would not take the absence of anyone well.

What is a typical budget for bachelorette parties? What is an appropriate amount to spend on a weekend?

eta: It doesn't matter what a typical budget is is someone can't afford it.
 
Ruthenium -

I just want to give you an example of how a REAL friend would handle planning her bachelorette party when her friends were having financial troubles. My friend (not even my best friend) got married a few years ago. I lived in a different state, and her party was a month before her wedding. I had just graduated college and was making almost nothing at my first job. I told her that I could either go to her wedding OR her party, but that I couldn't afford to go to both (and that was the truth). She gave me HALF my airfare ($200) without even being asked. She said that it was important for her that I be there. She also made sure that I split a hotel room 4-ways so that I only had to pay $50 for the weekend. We split the cost of her meal (without being asked) and it honestly came to like $5.00 a person.

If the bride is "exceedingly sweet as sentimental" as you said, she will understand that this just isn't possible. Select a representative among the bridal party, whoever is closest to her, and give her some tough love. I would absolutely revisit the idea of having a gathering prior to the wedding so that you only have to pay for airfare once, and if she disagrees, let her know that you just can't do anything at all. I cannot stress to you enough how ridiculous this is. My jaw is still on the floor.
 
Wow sonnyjane. That was so considerate and thoughtful. Thank you for sharing.

We also made accommodations to the bride when she was previously a bridesmaid. There was a conscientious effort on our parts to be mindful of her budget. We thought that courtesy would be reciprocated.
 
It is difficult when our priorities are not in order. We would have enough saved if we had:

- worked in our free time
- not spent our money on other frivolous things

The bride may have spent whatever was asked of her, but knowing her situation we could never bring ourselves to ask.
 
ruthenium, i am currently throwing ideas around with friends about what to do with my hens day.. i have found a great sunset wine tour of the swan valley including a 3 course dinner, wine tastings, beer tastings, cheese platters and all transport.. the cost of this is $115 per person and i was worried that it might be a little on the expensive side for my friends and family, even though we all work and are stable financially.

I would never DREAM of asking people to pay for a weekend away, for themselves or me, esp when i know people are stuggling financially.
 
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Perhaps I''m not the best audience for this one since it is customary where I live for the bride and her girls to hang out at a bar together for a few hours with the bridesmaids covering the bride''s drink tab, and that''s about it. That being said, even if I were filthy stinking rich, a bride placing expectations upon me for HER wedding that seemed judgmental of MY lifestyle would be a deal breaker for me. I don''t believe agreeing to be in someone''s wedding party means that they have the right to judge how I spend my money, how many hours I work, etc. If a friend told me to pick up an extra job to pay for her to party for a weekend, I''d politely tell her to go jump off a cliff and that I''d prefer she aim for sharp rocks. I think it''s obnoxiously rude for a bride to expect her wedding party to go into debt just so she can have one last hurrah. Sorry if my two cents is harsh--I think I''m in shock, haha!
 
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Let me get this straight?! The bride is expecting her bridal party to get a PART TIME JOB TO COVER HER EXPENSES?!?!! OMG, get real, step down from the bridal party and let bridezilla pay for her own way!!!!
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Date: 12/1/2009 1:30:44 AM
Author: ruthenium
Thank you sonnyjane & neatfreak.

We just started planning the party, and found out an all expenses paid weekend was expected by the bride. Some of us were caught off guard, because the bride previously attended parties where she was a student, and not asked to contribute to any expenses.

She understands our predicament, and advised us to find part time work. She also suggested she can pay her own airfare, while we shoulder the rest of her expenses (food + drinks) for the weekend. She knows she will ''losing out'' if she takes this route because she will be paying for others'' entire expenses for future parties, but is willing to compromise because she is mindful of our situation.

The choice of destinations are on both coasts, and the bridal party is also split geographically. No matter where it is held, half the party will need to travel. Having the Party the weekend of the wedding to save on airfare is also apparently out of the question.

Thanks again.
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?????WTH???????
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I don''t think I''ve ever posted over here, but I just had to on this one.

I must live in a hole because all of the bachelorette parties I have been on have involved a few girls getting together and going out to a bar for a few hours.

Destinations???? An entire weekend????? PART TIME JOB TO PAY FOR IT?????

This bride is nuts...
 
I didn''t even know that bachelorette parties were required let alone crazy expensive weekend bashes!

If I were you, I would tell the bride that unfortunately I could not meet her expectations of a bridesmaid and would be stepping down from the bridal party. I NEVER would get a part time job to pay for a weekend of drinking, not my own and certainly not someone elses.
 
She''s a nutjob and clearly not a good friend. Do yourself a favor and get out while you can. I know this sounds harsh, but clearly she''s selfish and self centered. Do you really want to go through months of this behavior and then the wedding?
 
I agree with the previous posters, the bride's idea of her bachellorette party is RIDICULOUS. back in the olden days, women had the showers, and men had the stag nights. Now these weddings are off the charts ridiculous... if you CAN'T AFFORD IT... WHY GO INTO DEBT FOR ONE STINKING DAY?

This is CRAZY. I'm sorry, maybe I'm old fashioned, but seriously? The wedding is just one day. Sorry ladies. It is ONE FREAKING DAY. Your MARRIAGE is what counts... spend the time and effort on THAT. This girl is clearly delirious. If you are in a circle where you can afford lavish parties, w/ all expenses paid by your friends.. it is different. This clearly isn't the case. As she has asked her friends to get part time jobs to PAY FOR HER FREAKING EXPENSES... not so that you can join in the festivities - but to extend yourself BEYOND what you can afford for a STUPID BACHELORETTE PARTY. I'm so shocked I'm stunned.

If she has extended herself before, and that is what she now expects, well... she should have asked those girls to be her bridesmaids - to uh... repay the favor. This girl sounds like a spoled little brat. I'm sorry but the bachellorette party is thrown by the maids to have fun, a girls night - to help relieve the bride of the stress from the wedding planning - etc. It is not all all expenses paid WEEKEND.

Most bachellorette parties, are LOCAL. Involve dinner and drinks. Do NOT include a limo, but the bridesmaids - one either offers to be DD, or they chip in for cab fare. It may or may NOT include a hotel. It may or may not include special goofy clothes, tiara, or sash. A bridesmaid picks up the bride... all the girls chip in for her dinner and drinks - and then you get her safely home. THAT IS IT. IF AND ONLY IF THE BRIDESMAIDS CAN AFFORD MORE, DO THEY OFFER IT. IT IS NOT IMPOSED UPON BY THE BRIDE.

When you agree to be a bridesmaid - (even if you cannot attend the B-party) you chip in for it... and the bridesmaids discuss what they can afford without the bride present, so that the bride doesn't have any stress about how it is getting paid for - or feel guilty about her girls. Then the bridesmaids also realize by agreeing, that they should coordinate and throw a shower - or help share in the costs of one if they cannot attend. The also agree to pay for: Dress, hair, shoes... and any of their own travel expenses if they are from out of town... for the wedding itself. (and also must attend the rehearsal dinner...)

I'm just shocked. SHOCKED.
 
Date: 12/1/2009 1:30:44 AM
Author: ruthenium
Thank you sonnyjane & neatfreak.

We just started planning the party, and found out an all expenses paid weekend was expected by the bride. Some of us were caught off guard, because the bride previously attended parties where she was a student, and not asked to contribute to any expenses.

She understands our predicament, and advised us to find part time work. She also suggested she can pay her own airfare, while we shoulder the rest of her expenses (food + drinks) for the weekend. She knows she will 'losing out' if she takes this route because she will be paying for others' entire expenses for future parties, but is willing to compromise because she is mindful of our situation.

The choice of destinations are on both coasts, and the bridal party is also split geographically. No matter where it is held, half the party will need to travel. Having the Party the weekend of the wedding to save on airfare is also apparently out of the question.

Thanks again.
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I would leave that bridal party/wedding situation immediately.

My opinion: You and the other girls need to grow a spine and tell this bride to shove it. I can't believe you are even contemplating this.

ETA: You all pitch in for a one way ticket, for her, to NYC in February. All by herself...

ETA2: If you travel anywhere, EVERYONE should pay for their OWN travel, food, drinks, and excess spending. That includes the Bride paying for all of her own things... unless of course the bridal party is financially stable, and your are WILLING and comfortable paying for these things for the Bride and themselves.
 
Date: 12/1/2009 9:47:04 AM
Author: tlh
I agree with the previous posters, the bride''s idea of her bachellorette party is RIDICULOUS. back in the olden days, women had the showers, and men had the stag nights. Now these weddings are off the charts ridiculous... if you CAN''T AFFORD IT... WHY GO INTO DEBT FOR ONE STINKING DAY?

This is CRAZY. I''m sorry, maybe I''m old fashioned, but seriously? The wedding is just one day. Sorry ladies. It is ONE FREAKING DAY. Your MARRIAGE is what counts... spend the time and effort on THAT. This girl is clearly delirious. If you are in a circle where you can afford lavish parties, w/ all expenses paid by your friends.. it is different. This clearly isn''t the case. As she has asked her friends to get part time jobs to PAY FOR HER FREAKING EXPENSES... not so that you can join in the festivities - but to extend yourself BEYOND what you can afford for a STUPID BACHELORETTE PARTY. I''m so shocked I''m stunned.

If she has extended herself before, and that is what she now expects, well... she should have asked those girls to be her bridesmaids - to uh... repay the favor. This girl sounds like a spoled little brat. I''m sorry but the bachellorette party is thrown by the maids to have fun, a girls night - to help relieve the bride of the stress from the wedding planning - etc. It is not all all expenses paid WEEKEND.

Most bachellorette parties, are LOCAL. Involve dinner and drinks. Do NOT include a limo, but the bridesmaids - one either offers to be DD, or they chip in for cab fare. It may or may NOT include a hotel. It may or may not include special goofy clothes, tiara, or sash. A bridesmaid picks up the bride... all the girls chip in for her dinner and drinks - and then you get her safely home. THAT IS IT. IF AND ONLY IF THE BRIDESMAIDS CAN AFFORD MORE, DO THEY OFFER IT. IT IS NOT IMPOSED UPON BY THE BRIDE.

When you agree to be a bridesmaid - (even if you cannot attend the B-party) you chip in for it... and the bridesmaids discuss what they can afford without the bride present, so that the bride doesn''t have any stress about how it is getting paid for - or feel guilty about her girls. Then the bridesmaids also realize by agreeing, that they should coordinate and throw a shower - or help share in the costs of one if they cannot attend. The also agree to pay for: Dress, hair, shoes... and any of their own travel expenses if they are from out of town... for the wedding itself. (and also must attend the rehearsal dinner...)

I''m just shocked. SHOCKED.
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Amen, TLH!
 
Date: 12/1/2009 9:47:04 AM
Author: tlh
I agree with the previous posters, the bride''s idea of her bachellorette party is RIDICULOUS. back in the olden days, women had the showers, and men had the stag nights. Now these weddings are off the charts ridiculous... if you CAN''T AFFORD IT... WHY GO INTO DEBT FOR ONE STINKING DAY?

This is CRAZY. I''m sorry, maybe I''m old fashioned, but seriously? The wedding is just one day. Sorry ladies. It is ONE FREAKING DAY. Your MARRIAGE is what counts... spend the time and effort on THAT. This girl is clearly delirious. If you are in a circle where you can afford lavish parties, w/ all expenses paid by your friends.. it is different. This clearly isn''t the case. As she has asked her friends to get part time jobs to PAY FOR HER FREAKING EXPENSES... not so that you can join in the festivities - but to extend yourself BEYOND what you can afford for a STUPID BACHELORETTE PARTY. I''m so shocked I''m stunned.

If she has extended herself before, and that is what she now expects, well... she should have asked those girls to be her bridesmaids - to uh... repay the favor. This girl sounds like a spoled little brat. I''m sorry but the bachellorette party is thrown by the maids to have fun, a girls night - to help relieve the bride of the stress from the wedding planning - etc. It is not all all expenses paid WEEKEND.

Most bachellorette parties, are LOCAL. Involve dinner and drinks. Do NOT include a limo, but the bridesmaids - one either offers to be DD, or they chip in for cab fare. It may or may NOT include a hotel. It may or may not include special goofy clothes, tiara, or sash. A bridesmaid picks up the bride... all the girls chip in for her dinner and drinks - and then you get her safely home. THAT IS IT. IF AND ONLY IF THE BRIDESMAIDS CAN AFFORD MORE, DO THEY OFFER IT. IT IS NOT IMPOSED UPON BY THE BRIDE.

When you agree to be a bridesmaid - (even if you cannot attend the B-party) you chip in for it... and the bridesmaids discuss what they can afford without the bride present, so that the bride doesn''t have any stress about how it is getting paid for - or feel guilty about her girls. Then the bridesmaids also realize by agreeing, that they should coordinate and throw a shower - or help share in the costs of one if they cannot attend. The also agree to pay for: Dress, hair, shoes... and any of their own travel expenses if they are from out of town... for the wedding itself. (and also must attend the rehearsal dinner...)

I''m just shocked. SHOCKED.
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2nd ALL of this.

I can''t believe this so called friend told people to get a job to pay for her partying. Jeez, kick her to the curb. I would rather have no friends than friends like this.

On a separate note- if this is her attitude to money, I bet she will bleed you dry financially in other ways too. I can imagine her picking $500 BM dresses that you have to pay for, plus $200+ on hair and makeup each. I would be warned, this is going to cost you a fortune, and not just to provide her with the bachelorette party she wants.
 
WOW! You should print out all of these responses and show them to her! She''s being way out of line.

All of my Bridesmaids are students, as am I. I would NEVER expect them to pay for all of that! I feel guilty even going out of town for my party b/c I know it will be expensive for travel/hotel/etc. (and all of my BM & friends are already in town anyways)

Even if they were financial able to blow a bunch of money for fun- I wouldn''t EXPECT them to do it. That''s rude! And the fact that she told you gals to get a part time job for HER is just ridiculous.

I think you should let her know what her expectations should be. If she''s still being crazy, I would back out of the wedding. She''s not a good friend, based on what you''ve told us.
 
Wow! Amazing that someone would have the nerve to suggest you take on a part time job to pay for her bachelorette weekend. I would have laughed in her face and then ripped her a new one if she said that to me.

My bachelorette party included going out for drinks (which my friends did pay for-all 4 of them, so probably $25 total) and dancing. There were no planes or limos involved and we still managed to have fun!
 
Wow I''m sorry to say but that bride is a B*TCH. Period. End of story.

That is the most thoughtless inconsiderate thing I have ever heard. I''m sorry but no one who acts that way is "sweet and sentimental".
 
I agree with previous posters that if a bride asked me to get a part-time job to help pay for her party, I would (a) laugh in her face and (b) say, "I don''t think I can be friends with someone so shallow - see ya."

I wish I could say that whether student or working, everyone should pay as they''re able (some more, some less) but if I were having to shell out way more cash than a student, I would be kinda ticked. So, I''m of the opinion that everyone should pay equal - and as a group, the event/expense should be discussed so that everyone CAN pay equal. If someone wants to pay extra to fly the group to Vegas, let them fit the bill - if every other attendee is okay with a night out in your home city, everyone pay their share, equally.

For my best friend''s party, all girls split the bride''s entire night, though she is a sweetheart and INSISTED on buying a few of her own drinks (I really think it made her feel better, b/c she is very humble.) However we all split her limo, dinner, etc. equally.

For another close friend, we split dinner, drinks, hotel, etc.

But for the record, I think your friend needs a major reality check
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Date: 12/1/2009 1:30:44 AM
Author: ruthenium
Thank you sonnyjane & neatfreak.

We just started planning the party, and found out an all expenses paid weekend was expected by the bride. Some of us were caught off guard, because the bride previously attended parties where she was a student, and not asked to contribute to any expenses.

She understands our predicament, and advised us to find part time work. She also suggested she can pay her own airfare, while we shoulder the rest of her expenses (food + drinks) for the weekend. She knows she will 'losing out' if she takes this route because she will be paying for others' entire expenses for future parties, but is willing to compromise because she is mindful of our situation.

The choice of destinations are on both coasts, and the bridal party is also split geographically. No matter where it is held, half the party will need to travel. Having the Party the weekend of the wedding to save on airfare is also apparently out of the question.

Thanks again.
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I gasped out loud at work and probably scared my coworkers. I would run the other way and never look back if anyone asked me to do this for them. Get a part time job to pay for her bachlorette party when you are students, the economy is bad, and I am sure there are MANY other things you would like to do with your money and time. This bride would no longer get to call me friend or bridesmaid.

I am paying for a portion of the bridal party and immediate family to attend my DW, not asking for wedding gifts, having a local bachlorette in which I am paying for the hotel (with points), not having a bridal shower or engagement, just so I can ease the financial burden of all my friends and family who mostly have great jobs. I can't believe a friend would expect that.
 
O.M.G.
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I have seen some things on PS, but this is by far the most ostentatious bridal scenario I have read about. I feel sorry for this woman to have been duped by other friends to finance a vacation for them, but not if she was doing so in efforts to pay it forward.

Sure, bachelorette parties range in terms of lavishness, but that is only because people range in their terms of wealth. If your friend expects this kind of lifestyle at this point in her life (because I get the sense from your post that she is early-twenties) she has a sad and disappointing life ahead. She needs to quit watching The Fabulous Life Of or doing whatever gives her the sense that this is the norm and spend some time with the rest of us. Maybe showing her this thread would be a start.
 
Bail on this wedding fast! This bride is ridiculous! I''m surprised she didnt want to check your W2 forms
to make sure you could afford to be a bridesmaid!
 
Date: 12/1/2009 2:07:48 PM
Author: tyty333
Bail on this wedding fast! This bride is ridiculous! I''m surprised she didnt want to check your W2 forms
to make sure you could afford to be a bridesmaid!
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I only asked for 2 prior pay stubs. This girl is insane...
 
Date: 12/1/2009 2:07:48 PM
Author: tyty333
Bail on this wedding fast! This bride is ridiculous! I''m surprised she didnt want to check your W2 forms
to make sure you could afford to be a bridesmaid!
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Yes! Get out of there!

I don''t usually condone bailing on a bride after you''ve committed to being in the bridal party, but if I were you I would run in the opposite direction.

There is no such thing as a reasonable request for others to spend money on you. There are only generous friends who *choose* to take you out to celebrate your impending marriage.

What is this groom thinking? Be grateful that *you''re* not the one marrying her.
 
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