who to invite to shower - help?!??!

[galvana]

Hi All
Ok, here is my situation, My MOH is planning my shower and needs to know who to invite, i gave her the list. My FMIL is helping her.

My Fiance''s parents were divorced. Both remarried. Then FI''s dad died.
So FI is inviting all his dad''s family to the wedding (in honor of his dad) = they do not really talk to him at all but its the "right thing to do".
I have never met ANY of them.
So, FMIL is insisting that I invite all the females (on his dads side) to my shower and I really do not feel comfortable doing that.
I have never met them - EVER.

What do I do? do I HAVE to invite these people to my shower? FI thinks they will NOT come to the wedding as they never talk to him but he is still inviting them in honor of his dad.
help!/!

 

[Winks_Elf]

The ladies who are being invited to the wedding are typically who gets invited to the bridal shower. I don''t mean the ladies who will be the "and guest," but rather the married ladies (aunts, cousins, etc.). If you are not comfortable having those women at your bridal shower, I hope you don''t plan on inviting them to the wedding either!

I don''t know where you live or what your family''s ethnic background is. Both my mom and my fiance are an Italian/German/Irish Catholic blend. In my family, it is the mothers and the MOH''s who decide who gets invited to the showers. If my MOH (also my FSIL) were to throw a shower, she would decide the guest list with my mother''s guidance. My Fiance''s mom died in October, so fortunately my MIL is able to know exactly who should be invited on Fi''s side. In my family and circle of friends, the bride never knows about the shower until she''s at it.

 

[basil]

I don''t think you have to invite every woman that you invite to the wedding to the shower.

You do have to invite every woman that you invite to the shower to the wedding.

I had a co-ed shower so I invited my local aunts/uncles/cousins, local friends, and my husband''s immediate family. I didn''t invite people who would need to travel, and I didn''t invite anyone that I was not close to.

I was worried that by inviting people who obviously couldn''t come, people would think I was inviting them for gifts only.

 

[galvana]

Date: 3/12/2009 8:57:29 AM
Author: basil
I don''t think you have to invite every woman that you invite to the wedding to the shower.

You do have to invite every woman that you invite to the shower to the wedding.

I had a co-ed shower so I invited my local aunts/uncles/cousins, local friends, and my husband''s immediate family. I didn''t invite people who would need to travel, and I didn''t invite anyone that I was not close to.

I was worried that by inviting people who obviously couldn''t come, people would think I was inviting them for gifts only.

This is kind of how i feel and why Im uncomfortable inviting his dads side because i have never met them and i feel like im inviting them only to bring me gifts.
I dont necessarily "mind" inviting them, i just feel "wierd" about it. I dont want to look greety is all i guess.

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 3/12/2009 8:57:29 AM
Author: basil
I don''t think you have to invite every woman that you invite to the wedding to the shower.

You do have to invite every woman that you invite to the shower to the wedding.

I had a co-ed shower so I invited my local aunts/uncles/cousins, local friends, and my husband''s immediate family. I didn''t invite people who would need to travel, and I didn''t invite anyone that I was not close to.

I was worried that by inviting people who obviously couldn''t come, people would think I was inviting them for gifts only.

This is exactly what I was thinking. There have been a few weddings I was invited to where I wasn''t included in the shower.

Maybe its proper etiquette to invite all of the females on the guest list to the shower and one of the etiquette experts will weight in here.

 

[galvana]

Plus, my mom passed away a while ago. So my MOH is on her own paying for the shower. i feel bad adding all these people to her costs -
a shower isn''t cheap you know?
i wish we had just eloped sometimes

 

[basil]

I would not invite them.

Honestly, if I received a shower invitation for bride of a distant relative that I''d never even met, I''d be like WTF?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Well, it sounds like you have a choice...either invite them, and make FMIL and FI happy...or have a small intimate shower with only close family and friends. But, you cannot have a big shower and exclude people that are important to FMIL and FI.

I would suggest taking on the sentiment of include everyone exclude no one to heart in this situation for various reasons.

The first, and most obvious, is that these people (strangers to you or not) matter to your future husband and his mother and their family. And while yes, it is a bridal shower--we live in a time where it''s more about showering the couple, not just the bride. These strangers are going to be your family in a few short months, I really really suggest you open your life to them...you might just meet some really wonderful, fun people that you''d otherwise miss out on. Don''t miss this opportunity to expand your circle of family.

Secondly, these woman loved your FI father and probably all miss him very much...and ergo, love your FI, and this is probably a bittersweet experience for them knowing that a key family member is missing. They more likely than not want to help set you and your FI up as you both moves forward in your lives. They should be given the chance to do so. Even if they don''t come, at least you extended the opportunity.

I would welcome everyone with open arms...embrace this special time because someday you may look back and regret these feelings...go into it with an open heart and anticipation. These aren''t strangers off the street, these woman are family...please try to keep that in mind as you make your final decision.

 

[galvana]

Thank you everyone for your insight.
I have decided to go ahead and invite all of them to the shower.

I guess the wierdest thing for me is that FI is not close with any of these people, none of them have talked to my FI since his dad passed away. many yrs ago.
They kind of deserted him. He is only inviting them to the wedding because he feels its the right thing to do, he does not think any of them will come.

oh well -

 

[ams0124]

Date: 3/12/2009 12:17:23 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Well, it sounds like you have a choice...either invite them, and make FMIL and FI happy...or have a small intimate shower with only close family and friends. But, you cannot have a big shower and exclude people that are important to FMIL and FI.

I would suggest taking on the sentiment of include everyone exclude no one to heart in this situation for various reasons.

The first, and most obvious, is that these people (strangers to you or not) matter to your future husband and his mother and their family. And while yes, it is a bridal shower--we live in a time where it''s more about showering the couple, not just the bride. These strangers are going to be your family in a few short months, I really really suggest you open your life to them...you might just meet some really wonderful, fun people that you''d otherwise miss out on. Don''t miss this opportunity to expand your circle of family.

Secondly, these woman loved your FI father and probably all miss him very much...and ergo, love your FI, and this is probably a bittersweet experience for them knowing that a key family member is missing. They more likely than not want to help set you and your FI up as you both moves forward in your lives. They should be given the chance to do so. Even if they don''t come, at least you extended the opportunity.

I would welcome everyone with open arms...embrace this special time because someday you may look back and regret these feelings...go into it with an open heart and anticipation. These aren''t strangers off the street, these woman are family...please try to keep that in mind as you make your final decision.

Totally agree with everything!

My FI''s mother passed away a few years ago, I was never given the chance to meet her. I''ve met a very few of her siblings once. They all live in a different state, they will all be invited to the wedding, and all the females will be invited to the shower.
Even though FI''s mother is no longer with us, doesn''t mean her family dies too. I think including them in everything, regardless if they''re able to come or not, shows that they are still very much a part of the family, and therefore apart of the family that FI and I are starting together.

As far as the mentality of "only inviting them for gifts", I would say that they''re still family....no matter how distant. If they choose to give gifts great, if not that''s fine too....I think bottom line is that being included in your plans should be meaningful.

And maybe a few of them will come to the shower and you''ll be given a great opportunity to meet people for the first time before your wedding...I think meeting them at a shower would be a lot less uncomfortable for you and them then meeting at a dinner table for 2 minutes as you and your new DH make the rounds to greet all your guests.

I really think this is a great opportunity for you if you take advantage of it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 3/12/2009 12:42:30 PM
Author: iloveprincesscuts
Thank you everyone for your insight.
I have decided to go ahead and invite all of them to the shower.

I guess the wierdest thing for me is that FI is not close with any of these people, none of them have talked to my FI since his dad passed away. many yrs ago.
They kind of deserted him. He is only inviting them to the wedding because he feels its the right thing to do, he does not think any of them will come.

oh well -

Good for you!! What a wonderful gesture for you to make!!

I understand that not knowing them can make things feel awkward...but weddings have away of bringing people closer together. I hope that your story has a happy ending!

 

[alli_esq]

Date: 3/12/2009 12:17:23 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Well, it sounds like you have a choice...either invite them, and make FMIL and FI happy...or have a small intimate shower with only close family and friends. But, you cannot have a big shower and exclude people that are important to FMIL and FI.

I would suggest taking on the sentiment of include everyone exclude no one to heart in this situation for various reasons.

The first, and most obvious, is that these people (strangers to you or not) matter to your future husband and his mother and their family. And while yes, it is a bridal shower--we live in a time where it''s more about showering the couple, not just the bride. These strangers are going to be your family in a few short months, I really really suggest you open your life to them...you might just meet some really wonderful, fun people that you''d otherwise miss out on. Don''t miss this opportunity to expand your circle of family.

Secondly, these woman loved your FI father and probably all miss him very much...and ergo, love your FI, and this is probably a bittersweet experience for them knowing that a key family member is missing. They more likely than not want to help set you and your FI up as you both moves forward in your lives. They should be given the chance to do so. Even if they don''t come, at least you extended the opportunity.

I would welcome everyone with open arms...embrace this special time because someday you may look back and regret these feelings...go into it with an open heart and anticipation. These aren''t strangers off the street, these woman are family...please try to keep that in mind as you make your final decision.

I love this answer, Italia. I agree 100%.

 

[Morgie44]

I agree with italia in general, but I think in this situation, if you have never met these people to me that says that your FI is not close with them. In that case, I think it would be odd to invite them to a shower. I am from a large family, and as a result, we only talk to a few of my mom''s extended family regularly. While we are usually included on the wedding guest list, the only showers we are invited to would be for those cousins we talk to fairly regularly (by that I mean once every year - 2 years or so) . So if I received a shower invite from someone in my mom''s family that we don''t normally talk to, I would see it as gift grabby...

 

[galvana]

Date: 3/12/2009 2:49:35 PM
Author: Morgie44
I agree with italia in general, but I think in this situation, if you have never met these people to me that says that your FI is not close with them. In that case, I think it would be odd to invite them to a shower. I am from a large family, and as a result, we only talk to a few of my mom''s extended family regularly. While we are usually included on the wedding guest list, the only showers we are invited to would be for those cousins we talk to fairly regularly (by that I mean once every year - 2 years or so) . So if I received a shower invite from someone in my mom''s family that we don''t normally talk to, I would see it as gift grabby...

see...................................LMFAO - this is what i thought too. oh well.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I agree with Morgie that, in certain situations, it could be seen as a gift grab...but if those aren''t your intentions, then you''re in the clear.

Maybe, just to reaffirm the fact that you''re not gift hunting, you could ask your MOH to include a small note along with the invitation (nothing long or formal) simply mentioning how you really wanted to extend the invite and hope that they will join you. Its extremely personal, makes both you and your MOH come off as thoughtful and sincere...and if they were on the fence about coming, it might push towards coming since you shared your desire for them to come.