Why are people mean on the internet?

[Mara]

for me it all boils down to personality traits and what is acceptable for one person vs another. one person's 'mean' may not even faze another person and i mean that seriously. i am personally a blunt and truthful person in reality, and i am that way online for the most part. some people just can't handle it. chances are i wouldn't associate with people who were very sensitive or easily upset or defensive in real life because i really hate to tiptoe around things and people in my life respect that about me, but online you are forced to deal with all types of personalities you may not otherwise have contact with in real life. online you really have to dig deep to find extra patience or bite the proverbial tongue because in reality you may not have someone like that around you on a daily basis, but online you do. we all try our hardest here to get along well with each other even though many of us are very different from each other.

i also think that online people DO read tons into the written word. i do it all the time as well. i read a fairly innocuous line and think, is that a dig at someone? does it mean more than what is there? i also infuse my own TONE into the line. is that a snide response? are they being sarcastic? when many times it's just what is written, with no inflection in the tone, no snideness, no sarcasm etc. we are all guilty of doing this because it's almost impossible to not project your own feelings into someone else's post. that is where many misunderstandings or hurt feelings can occur, and people often get very defensive because they are SURE you are talking to THEM when in reality maybe you are just talking to the general masses.

in general, i really value the people on here who can tell it like it is...and we have a lot of them here. i have no patience for false niceties or people who say one thing on here and another behind the scenes. if i don't like something or someone, chances are i just don't say ANYTHING at all. what is the point of being rude or mean to someone just to do it? anyone can do that. but a true strong opinion given even though the person knows they may get some flak for it, i really can respect that. also i don't take things personally for the most part, and i try not to get defensive as well. it is an online forum after all and i have learned here in my 3+ years that people will believe what they want about whatever they want and there is absolutely nothing that i can personally do to change that view long-term.

recently leonid said something in that dark side of the moon thread about someone who thought we were all too nice here and that this person wanted to be able to say that someone's wedding dress or ring was ugly or that someone looked horrible in a picture. my first thought was seriously, who would EVER want to do that to someone online?? what is the point in that other than just plain being mean or hurting feelings. i can't imagine anyone like that ever coming to PS.

whatever people on PS are, no one on here is 'mean' in my opinion. i also really respect that there are people on here who i can get into a disagreement with and know they don't hold any negative feelings at all. i have disagreed with people on here many times, and it doesn't color how i view them in the future. no one agrees on something all of the time.

anyway what it all boils down to for me is if i would never say that in real life, i would not say it on here. but chances are if i say it on here, i'd be just as frank and up front about it to people in my life. for me that is the gauge, it doesn't always work out though.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 8/8/2006 8:47:03 AM
Author: diamondfan

Too true, how many times can someone claim to have not been understood? Sometimes it is what it is, someone who uses a site like this or others to be Queen or King Bee and dump on others. Everyone can have a bad day or come off at times as being less than sensitive etc...but it becomes clear quite quickly when it is more than that...and it is a shame. I value an honest answer to a direct question, if not, why ask? But there is a fine line between honest or frank and being cruel, and some people have crossed it on more than one occasion.

Um, while it's true that many people can use the "you misunderstood me" excuse and it really is an excuse, I think that the medium of online posts lends itself to being misunderstood really easily. I see this happen all the time, just just with posts I've made but to plenty of other people as well in other threads I've read. It can be really difficult to get your tone accross, and if someone takes it in a way other than it was meant, it is necessary to explain that you've been misunderstood, and try again. I constantly go back and re-edit my posts because I realize that I could have given the wrong impression, but sometimes it happens anyway.

Because you can't control delivery, how your posts come accross are in some ways in the hands of the viewer. Their state of mind, background, PO buttons, and current mood is going to influence which way they take it, I think. You can try to be careful and clear, but misunderstandings still can happen, in my experience.


ETA: Hehe. Mara, you beat me to it, while I was typing.

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 8/8/2006 1:30:56 PM
Author: Galateia

Date: 8/8/2006 8:47:03 AM
Author: diamondfan

Too true, how many times can someone claim to have not been understood? Sometimes it is what it is, someone who uses a site like this or others to be Queen or King Bee and dump on others. Everyone can have a bad day or come off at times as being less than sensitive etc...but it becomes clear quite quickly when it is more than that...and it is a shame. I value an honest answer to a direct question, if not, why ask? But there is a fine line between honest or frank and being cruel, and some people have crossed it on more than one occasion.

Um, while it''s true that many people can use the ''you misunderstood me'' excuse and it really is an excuse, I think that the medium of online posts lends itself to being misunderstood really easily. I see this happen all the time, just just with posts I''ve made but to plenty of other people as well in other threads I''ve read. It can be really difficult to get your tone accross, and if someone takes it in a way other than it was meant, it is necessary to explain that you''ve been misunderstood, and try again. I constantly go back and re-edit my posts because I realize that I could have given the wrong impression, but sometimes it happens anyway.

Because you can''t control delivery, how your posts come accross are in some ways in the hands of the viewer. Their state of mind, background, PO buttons, and current mood is going to influence which way they take it, I think. You can try to be careful and clear, but misunderstandings still can happen, in my experience.


ETA: Hehe. Mara, you beat me to it, while I was typing.

I do agree with your assessment. What is so funny is I had a conversation with a friend the other night who said email contact between her and her dh saved them, because when he asked her to do things verbally they often got into a tiff. She felt the neutrality of an email removed any personal stuff. I on the other hand feel it tends to be more of a problem than a help. Because, as mentioned by Mara and others, if it is unclear if there is a dig, we might assume there IS. Without tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, which are all cues to content above the mere words, it is easy for someone to put on their own spin, which may be totally off base, due to their own personal feelings. It might be way off base to what the poster intends, but like wild fire, if someone construes things wrong, we have all seen what can happen to a thread. I also agree and subscribe to the notion that I will answer honestly but kindly in a thread if I am feeling inclined to reply, and if I really just have nothing constructive or helpful to contribute I would likely just not reply at all. It is nice to knnow though that this site is among the better ones, I have never really gone on any others and will not likely do so now.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/8/2006 3:24:08 PM
Author: diamondfan

Date: 8/8/2006 1:30:56 PM

Author: Galateia

Date: 8/8/2006 8:47:03 AM

Author: diamondfan


Too true, how many times can someone claim to have not been understood? Sometimes it is what it is, someone who uses a site like this or others to be Queen or King Bee and dump on others. Everyone can have a bad day or come off at times as being less than sensitive etc...but it becomes clear quite quickly when it is more than that...and it is a shame. I value an honest answer to a direct question, if not, why ask? But there is a fine line between honest or frank and being cruel, and some people have crossed it on more than one occasion.

Um, while it''s true that many people can use the ''you misunderstood me'' excuse and it really is an excuse, I think that the medium of online posts lends itself to being misunderstood really easily. I see this happen all the time, just just with posts I''ve made but to plenty of other people as well in other threads I''ve read. It can be really difficult to get your tone accross, and if someone takes it in a way other than it was meant, it is necessary to explain that you''ve been misunderstood, and try again. I constantly go back and re-edit my posts because I realize that I could have given the wrong impression, but sometimes it happens anyway.


Because you can''t control delivery, how your posts come accross are in some ways in the hands of the viewer. Their state of mind, background, PO buttons, and current mood is going to influence which way they take it, I think. You can try to be careful and clear, but misunderstandings still can happen, in my experience.



ETA: Hehe. Mara, you beat me to it, while I was typing.

*snipped*


Without tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, which are all cues to content above the mere words, it is easy for someone to put on their own spin, which may be totally off base, due to their own personal feelings. It might be way off base to what the poster intends, but like wild fire, if someone construes things wrong, we have all seen what can happen to a thread.

This is one reason I tend to use smilies, it helps people "get" my posts.

 

[FireGoddess]

I think it's a lot easier to be mean and cruel when you're not staring somebody in the face. However, it's the mark of a classy person that never stoops to that level, face to face or not.

Being blunt and honest with someone is one thing, being rude and distasteful is quite another.

 

[Allisonfaye]

My philosophy is if I have any doubts about how my post will be received, I delete it before I hit ''submit''. I just don''t want to ruffle anyone.

I see the same debates on fertilityfriend over and over and what''s the point? I am not going to change someone''s mind on abortion, gay marriage, Andrea Yates....whatever. Who cares?

I used to go on Weddingchannel a lot when I was planning my wedding and one thing that drove me nuts (and this goes for any relationship board including ff) is that anytime ANYONE complained about their fiance, boyfriend, or even husband, SOMEONE told them to dump the guy. That''s one thing when you are just dating but many of them were engaged or even married with children and these strangers who don''t know anything about them are telling them to get a divorce. These are real people with real lives and I hate to think someone''s kids are fatherless because some stranger told them to get a divorce. Scary.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 8/8/2006 10:55:54 PM
Author: Allisonfaye
My philosophy is if I have any doubts about how my post will be received, I delete it before I hit 'submit'. I just don't want to ruffle anyone.

I see the same debates on fertilityfriend over and over and what's the point? I am not going to change someone's mind on abortion, gay marriage, Andrea Yates....whatever. Who cares?

I used to go on Weddingchannel a lot when I was planning my wedding and one thing that drove me nuts (and this goes for any relationship board including ff) is that anytime ANYONE complained about their fiance, boyfriend, or even husband, SOMEONE told them to dump the guy. That's one thing when you are just dating but many of them were engaged or even married with children and these strangers who don't know anything about them are telling them to get a divorce. These are real people with real lives and I hate to think someone's kids are fatherless because some stranger told them to get a divorce. Scary.

when my hubby was in a bad spot, society's answer was "leave Him!" well, my answer was "stay, work hard in counseling , and see what happens". I'm glad I did.

and these were people I know in person!

edited to add: My al-anon CoSA sponsor used to say: "Stay and Face it. At least you have a roof over your head while you work on this stuff. If you don't work on this stuff now, you'll go right out and pick another one, and the next one will be worse."

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 8/9/2006 7:43:28 AM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 8/8/2006 10:55:54 PM
Author: Allisonfaye
My philosophy is if I have any doubts about how my post will be received, I delete it before I hit ''submit''. I just don''t want to ruffle anyone.

I see the same debates on fertilityfriend over and over and what''s the point? I am not going to change someone''s mind on abortion, gay marriage, Andrea Yates....whatever. Who cares?

I used to go on Weddingchannel a lot when I was planning my wedding and one thing that drove me nuts (and this goes for any relationship board including ff) is that anytime ANYONE complained about their fiance, boyfriend, or even husband, SOMEONE told them to dump the guy. That''s one thing when you are just dating but many of them were engaged or even married with children and these strangers who don''t know anything about them are telling them to get a divorce. These are real people with real lives and I hate to think someone''s kids are fatherless because some stranger told them to get a divorce. Scary.

when my hubby was in a bad spot, society''s answer was ''leave Him!'' well, my answer was ''stay, work hard in counseling , and see what happens''. I''m glad I did.

and these were people I know in person!

edited to add: My al-anon CoSA sponsor used to say: ''Stay and Face it. At least you have a roof over your head while you work on this stuff. If you don''t work on this stuff now, you''ll go right out and pick another one, and the next one will be worse.''

You seem like a strong and practical woman, Lady. I think the reason we see all these divorces so quickly is that no one has any stick to it-ive ness...of course, I am not talking about if someone is being mistreated or abused, but sometimes people just think it is not "fun" to be married anymore, or it is taking too much effort, and they throw in the towel. I am also amazed at how many people will tell you to just walk away, when there is something there worth saving. Of course, that is something that the individuals only can determine, but yet, too often in our world, people seem to think everything is disposable or replaceable. Kudos to you for being strong...