Why are we fighting so much?

[princess_natalie]

Honestly, I''m at my wit''s end with this. The boyfriend and I keep fighting over stupid stuff. I couldn''t even tell you WHAT we''re fighting about. We just fight. And I''m still stressed/sleep deprived as I just finished my exams for the semester.

Some background information: This past semester was h-e-double hockey sticks. Not only is it my final year but we have our thesis as well as a practicum, and finals, AND, I have been applying to grad programs, which is like another course in itself. I am very diligent about school and spend long hours. Now that it is over as of Monday I moved back for the holiday break, it still hasn''t set it. I''m still not sleeping right, etc.

Boyfriend: Started a new job a few months ago, and has lost a lot of weight since. He now lives totally on his own and is finding it tough. I try to be there as much as I can but as mentioned above, it was crazy busy this semester. I feel a lot of pressure to be ''the only one he has'' as his parents aren''t really in the picture, we don''t have that many friends, and yeah..

Anyway, from his perspective - he is tired. (So sleep, I know, I tell him..)
From my perspective - he has gotten gloomy and lazy and wastes my time. I know it sounds mean. I''ve become mean the past few weeks and I don''t like it. I''m not an angry person, I just keep getting frustrated at little things.

Then, I shut down. I have it in my head that this is corrupting as all my past relationships have although simultaneously, I know he is different. As I''ve posted before we are seriously contemplating/planning engagement and marriage.

I love him. I want to be with him. I just don''t know if I am being stupid and ignoring red flags. Is it normal to fight? I feel like I am picking fights (I know I shouldn''t) over nothing.

I.e. Neither of us feel like anything sexual, we just cuddle, then I pick a fight about how he isn''t attracted to me.

What bothers me most is that he keeps saying things will get better and he''ll try but nothing gets better. I want to help but I don''t know what to do.

I don''t want to lose him. But, I don''t want to feel like this either.

It''s strange how its happened because we had been having very very serious talks lately (initiated by him) regarding our timeline... and how our engagement will happen next semester, in my final semester of my undergrad.

I have asked him if it is stress-related to this, but he says no. That excites him. But it doesn''t seem like anything does these days.

I don''t know, this has become a ramble-fest. Sorry, ladies. I just don''t know what else to do; I needed to vent.

Any suggestions would be helpful. Ultimately, I just don''t know why we fight, and I don''t like it. Neither of us are the arguing type.. We were so happy and careless, and now that so much stress happened, I feel like our relationship is doomed and will never move out of it.

 

[Porridge]

I''m so sorry princess natalie, that sucks

I''m not really good at giving advice but I''ll try. Are both of you picking fights with each other or is it just you? Maybe you''re doing it for a little excitement? I don''t mean cos you''re some kind of weird thrill seeker or anything

but maybe 1) FI is low on energy and maybe a little down and isn''t the fun person he used to be or 2) everything else in your life is so stressful right now that you''re on high alert all the time and you''re not getting the same kind of drive from your relationship as you are from the other areas of your life. Maybe it''s a subconscious thing that you''re bringing your relationship up to the high pressure level you''re used to at the moment? And you have to pick fights to do that cos your SO doesn''t seem to be challenging you enough right now? I''m just speaking from my own experience though. I''m the type of person who works better under pressure and I find it hard to switch off, and when I''m in that mode I definitely expect others to be right up there with me! And I''m irritated when they''re not (esp poor FI).

That''s just one angle, I could be way off. I hope you work it out

 

[princess_natalie]

You know, porridge, I think you may have hit the nail on the head.

Considering he has been wearing gloomy-pants these days, I almost DO feel like any attention is good attention because it is SOMETHING from him.

I mentioned how we can help him not be a downer (in better terms obviously) and he said he has to fix it, I can''t do anything except stay with him. He''s very traditional in the sense that he is the man, and he does everything.

You said you are speaking from personal experience.. Do you have any suggestions as to what has worked for you to deal with this.

I have a very bad flight response.. and when things get bad, when I''m not used to it, I just want to give up and leave.

 

[neatfreak]

I''m sorry honey. Sometimes it helps to just take a mental break from "trying" for awhile and see if things get better or worse. Are you picking fights with everyone around you because you are stressed? Or just him? Does he really make you happy anymore? Those are all really important things to think about right now.

Just take some time for yourself to really think about your wants and needs and if he can meet them. Sometimes we love someone but they just can''t meet our needs right now, and that''s ok. But you need to recognize that if it''s the case so you can take some time apart.

 

[princess_natalie]

neatfreak - I seem to be fighting with everyone. I''m just so irritated and irritable. He gets the most of it because we talk most, and are the closest. But, really, I snap on everyone these days.

He does make me happy, when we are not fighting, which seems to be never these days. So right now, no, I''m not happy.. not at all.. because I hate fighting. I''m comparing it to past relationships and assuming it will have the same result because this is what ''always'' happens? Stupid, I know. But what I don''t know is why I can recognize what is stupid and what I''m doing wrong yet not do anything about it.

 

[trillionaire]

My last year in college, I was dating SO. I broke up with him on our 6 month anniversary.

I was SOOOOOO stressed and miserable applying to grad school and takeing 20 hours. I was miserable, and I couldn''t take all of the pressure. We got back together the following semester, when I could breathe again. 5 years later, and he has still never forgiven me for breaking up with him.

From what you describe, you both seem to be projecting your frustrations on each other. If he is going through a depressed spell, the less you do, the less happy you are, and the less you have to talk about, you know what I mean? You guys need to talk about what the underlying issue is, or you are going to keep picking fights. Maybe plan a date night or something fun and unusual. A one day get-away or excursion. The other thing I would suggest is that you both do need to have friends outside of each other. It''s very isolating to only have one close friend, and it will be good for both of you to be able to go out and to things solo, or with the guy or gals.

Good luck!

 

[princess_natalie]

trillionaire - I'm glad to hear you and SO made it through the storm. It is nice to hear that someone has experienced what I am feeling. Did it ever make you worry that the stress meant he wasn't the one?

And, I agree - something fun would be to die for right now. We just need to find time amidst all the family Christmas stuff. Which, I don't even WANT to go to when we are fighting so much, because it will feel like we are faking it

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 12/16/2008 2:17:15 PM
Author: princess_natalie
trillionaire - I''m glad to hear you and SO made it through the storm. It is nice to hear that someone has experienced what I am feeling. Did it ever make you worry that the stress meant he wasn''t the one?

And, I agree - something fun would be to die for right now. We just need to find time amidst all the family Christmas stuff. Which, I don''t even WANT to go to when we are fighting so much, because it will feel like we are faking it

LOL to the first part. If I thought he was ''the one'', I doubt I would have let him go, now would I?

I was just really frustrated and need to be selfish and take care of me. And he asked me back out, and I said no. And he brought me the roses he bought for the 6th month anni, and I didn''t budge, and I didn''t regret my decision (though it was heartwrenching!). I still don''t, though I missed him immediately. We did break up mid semester though, so since you made it through the hardest part, you can probably relax a bit and let things return to normal.

We remained close, and I asked him out 5 months later, and I was shocked that he said yes. It''s not unusual to feel stressed and overwhelmed, but it might be more constructive to use this as a starting point for how to address and support each other during stressful times. That''s what marriage entails, after all. how long have you all been fighting? It is very normal to go through a rough patch, but I guess the duration would determine whether it was a patch or not

LOL also at the second part. A therapist will tell you to ''fake it until you make it''. For example, if you smile, just sit in front of your PC right now and smile. Keep smiling. Bet you will feel better, if only briefly. Same principle. Just think good things, remember fun times and let yourself enjoy his company. It will only be faking it for a few minutes, then it will feel more normal.

 

[princess_natalie]

trillionaire - Your post made me smile. You know what, I think you''re right - after reading the ''fake it till you make it'' idea, I realized that if I keep THINKING bad stuff, its not going to get me out of this rut at all. But instead of dwelling on the bad times, I should be happy about the good ones. We went to Niagara Falls Saturday and had an amazing time, so romantic, so much fun, then the next morning something sparked me off and I wrote the entire weekend off as awful.. and tried to leave

I want to use this as a constructive starting point to learn to deal with stress when it comes up. I need to find better ways to manage my frustration instead of just shutting down too.

And you''re right about the rough patch too - it has been.. 10 days. Wow.. in perspective, 10 days is nothing when we''ve known each other for like 3 years..

I feel stupid now

 

[princess_natalie]

I just wanted to add, that I have tried to talk to my mom about things and she just says, we have ''childish problems'' and if we can''t handle it to break up.

Clearly, not the most helpful advice. But that is her - she runs at any sign of trouble.

I asked her if she thought it was a good idea for me to break up with him though, and she said no - she would think that I am overreacting.

I''m confused!

Sometimes other people''s opinions - like my mom''s - suck! You expect them to tell you what''s best..

 

[elrohwen]

I wrote out a nice long post to you, but it didn''t work for some reason

I think all couples go through rough patches, especially when one or both people are stressed out over jobs and school. I don''t really have specific advice about how to go about this, but I think your goal should be to be the relaxation that the other person needs. Admit that you''re stressed out and crazy, and agree that you''ll try your best not to take it out on each other. I finding that helping FI to relax and get past a stressful day also makes me feel less stressed out, and I know he''ll do the same for me. When he''s feeling down I try to be upbeat and happy which often turns his mood around. Even though I''m usually stressed out too and just faking the happy attitude, like Trill said, faking it *does* make you feel better. We help each other out, instead of stewing in our misery and taking it out on each other.

It''s only been 10 days, so stick it out. I think you two need to talk about where you''re both coming from and try to help each other work through that stress better instead of taking it out on your relationship.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 12/16/2008 2:55:27 PM
Author: princess_natalie
trillionaire - Your post made me smile. You know what, I think you''re right - after reading the ''fake it till you make it'' idea, I realized that if I keep THINKING bad stuff, its not going to get me out of this rut at all. But instead of dwelling on the bad times, I should be happy about the good ones. We went to Niagara Falls Saturday and had an amazing time, so romantic, so much fun, then the next morning something sparked me off and I wrote the entire weekend off as awful.. and tried to leave

I want to use this as a constructive starting point to learn to deal with stress when it comes up. I need to find better ways to manage my frustration instead of just shutting down too.


And you''re right about the rough patch too - it has been.. 10 days. Wow.. in perspective, 10 days is nothing when we''ve known each other for like 3 years..

I feel stupid now

I like the "fake it till you make it" idea as well. Why not try "killing him with kindness"??

When you feel yourself starting to pick a fight, compliment him instead.. or somehow try to divert your frustration. Think before you speak - sometimes you say something and right after you said it you kick yourself cause you KNOW it was gonna start a fight. It sounds like it''s not really based on anything specific - just sounds like you''re stressed in general and he happens to be the one you''re taking it out on. Actually it sounds like you''re both stressed and taking it out on each other.

They say that giving really does make the giver feel better - that the "giver" gets more out of giving than the receiver gets from receiving a gift. Why not try going out of your way to be extra nice and do romantic things - bake him some cookies, give him a back rub - and see how he responds. And see if you start feeling any better?
Occupy your time with thinking of the things he does that you LOVE instead of focusing on things that make you frustrated. Maybe even tell him specifically what you appreciate about him.
Maybe he''ll reciprocate and start doing little things for you too
You guys can turn this around!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Honestly, it sounds like he's depressed and you're over worked...pushed together, your mutual symptoms have become explosive.

It can be so hard for someone to adjust to the "real world" post college. Trust me, I know. I would suggest giving him a gentle push towards counseling. Sometimes just talking, and getting it out, and facing those fears can be sooo helpful. He's a guy, and he probably feels like he's not supposed to feel afraid, or stressed about being on his own...but so many people (men included) feel those things and it might get him over some of his fears to know he's not alone in this....so, if you cannot emotional cope right now with him, find him someone who can.

As for you...you're spread too thin. School, a relationship with a partner crying out for help...That's a lot to handle, for anyone. You need to find time for you...even if it means turning your computer off, putting your books down, and watching a movie alone. I honestly believe that when you're too overworked it's the same thing as being unproductive...you cannot do justice to anything, and end up failing at everything.

 

[sammyj]

i completely agree with trillionaire and elrohwen...

3 years ago (right around this time!) my BF and I broke up for 2 weeks. A couple months leading up to it, we were constantly fighting and more often than not I was the one picking a fight. He was very sensitive to this and trying to do as much as he could to not make me so frustrated, but I couldn''t help but be irritated with every little thing. We had a big discussion and we decided to take a break (more his idea than mine).

Now, at this time I was in grad school and not very happy. I had wanted to quit school at the beginning of the term but decided against it (I only had one year left!). I was also doing a placement 2 hours away and was driving home every weekend to work Saturdays and Sundays. He was living 1.5 hours away with his parents and working full-time. He was also not happy because: 1) he was iving at home; 2) he hated his job; 3) felt disconnected from his friends and really missed university life. With that said, we were both in not-so-good places and we took it out on each other (me more so than him), but it didn''t take us very long to realize that things were better with each other than without. As much as I hated being broken up, we really needed it to come to terms with the underlying issues that were rocking our relationship. I''m not saying that you and your BF need a break, but that''s what worked for us. And, like trillionaire''s SO, I hang it over my BF''s head to this day!!!

princess_natalie, it sounds like both you and your BF have quite a lot going on right now and there''s a lot of extra stress that you both have to deal with. Plan a date where you can totally relax without a care in the world...and just BE with each other. Good luck

.

 

[princess_natalie]

All the advice that has been offered here is so invaluable.

BF and I just had a nice long talk about why things became what the did, what we can do, how we can learn from this and better deal with stresses in the future.

We agreed that we have both been under a lot of stress but want to put each other at the top of our lists again and be the one that the other can come to when they had a bad day. Not be the one who bites the other''s head off.

We have devised some strategies for future ''fights'' and ways to be more constructive. It felt really good and I kept in mind what everyone said on here to help me stay calm and remember I am not alone.

I am honestly going to try to post more and lurk less now that I have some more time on my hands. Thanks for everything, ladies <3


elrohwen - reading your little anecdote reminded me that we should be helping each other get over our stressful day and sometimes we have to bite the bullet and put on a happy face to help the other. Thank you!

Namaste - that is a really good idea. after reading your post I decided I would take out the precious moments cross-stitching piece that I have been passively working on (read: haven''t touched since the semester started) for him. Even though its not even close to being done, I am getting so excited to give it to him Your vote of confidence that we can turn this around really helped. Thank you!

Italiahaircolor - I encouraged him to make an appointment for a check-up with the doctor to make sure everything is okay about a week ago. He is going in this Thursday and I sincerely think that it will help him to talk to the doctor about his feelings and maybe he will end up being referred for counselling. I know personally, I don''t benefit from it, but he very well may! Thank you!

sammyj - Similar to what I thanked Trillionaire for, knowing that someone has experienced the same thing really helps. Thank you! I am not sure if a break is for us. Considering as mentioned (I think by Trillionaire) we made it through the toughest part. The semester is over and things can improve now in that sense. So, hopefully, now that that is done the toughest IS over and we are both ready to move on without the break. Thank you!

I just want to say it again.. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! to everyone.

I honestly hope it only goes up from here and I do not have any more complaints but it is so nice to know I have somewhere to come to if that is the case. And I will be sure to add some updates about how this weekend goes. We have family stuff planned on Friday night and all of Saturday but we''re getting together do to Christmas shopping Thursday night and have decided that friday is a day for us! I am excited!

 

[trillionaire]

Princess Nat,

I''m glad to hear that things are looking up.

I read somewhere that if you are frustrated or need to bond with your partner, have the guy sit on the bed with his legs crossed, then the gal sits in his lap and wraps his legs around his back. Place your foreheads against each other, eyes closed, and just take some deep breaths, trying to breath together. Simple as that, just relax and reconnect.

SO and I love to do candle lit bubble baths with a bottle of bubbly or wine!

And you are such a SNEAK! You went to Niagra Falls and were going to keep it to yourself!

So wrong on so many levels...

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 12/16/2008 2:55:27 PM
Author: princess_natalie
I realized that if I keep THINKING bad stuff, its not going to get me out of this rut at all. But instead of dwelling on the bad times, I should be happy about the good ones. We went to Niagara Falls Saturday and had an amazing time, so romantic, so much fun, then the next morning something sparked me off and I wrote the entire weekend off as awful.. and tried to leave

I just wanted to add, that I have tried to talk to my mom about things and she just says, we have ''childish problems'' and if we can''t handle it to break up.

Clearly, not the most helpful advice. But that is her - she runs at any sign of trouble.
And you''re right about the rough patch too - it has been.. 10 days. Wow.. in perspective, 10 days is nothing when we''ve known each other for like 3 years..

I''m so glad you are posting, and if you take a look at what you''ve written (and I''m sure you have!), you are seeing some things here. Whether we like it or not, we do wind up with similar traits as our parents. However, because you KNOW and see what your mother''s fight or flight patterns are, you have started recognizing it in yourself. Once you become aware of what it is you are doing, the stress levels will go up because you will become frustrated with yourself. BUT, the next step is that you will figure out what it is (aside from school and tests, etc.) that is frustrating you so badly, and that is when you will be able to learn to eliminate/avoid/deal with those triggers.

You are under a tremendous amount of stress right now with your schooling. A weekend trip is great, but it''s truly not enough time to relax the stress away. Don''t make any rash decisions on anything right now. Is there a counselor that you can talk to (aside from us, lol)? Have you tried meditation? Is your living space organized and clutter free? Believe it or not, the home environment has a significant impact on our moods, and can contribute to the stress and frustration.

 

[Porridge]

Hey Princess Natalie, sorry I''m late replying but *wow* you just handled your problems way better than I ever did! I''m so impressed that you guys talked it through and have strategies for working it out - well done for seeing through your stress. Give it your best shot! I hope it works out

 

[princess_natalie]

Date: 12/16/2008 10:11:40 PM
Author: trillionaire
Princess Nat,


I''m glad to hear that things are looking up.

I read somewhere that if you are frustrated or need to bond with your partner, have the guy sit on the bed with his legs crossed, then the gal sits in his lap and wraps his legs around his back. Place your foreheads against each other, eyes closed, and just take some deep breaths, trying to breath together. Simple as that, just relax and reconnect.


SO and I love to do candle lit bubble baths with a bottle of bubbly or wine!


And you are such a SNEAK! You went to Niagra Falls and were going to keep it to yourself!

So wrong on so many levels...

That bonding idea is SO good! Thank you! I shared it on the phone with my BF and we are going to try it tomorrow night

Another technique we''ve decided on is, to sit with him behind me and me between his legs, leaning back on his chest. When I start to have panic attacks, this is how he sits with me. But it also helps us connect and relax together; I am memorized and very calmed by the movement of his chest as I make my breathing sync with his. anyways, as I said, thank you for the idea - we will try and I''ll let you know if it works!

As for Niagara Falls........ I will make a post about it....... I could share a couple things, as it was quite fun and something that is sorta a big deal happened! I am not used to having people to share with, my apologies for being sneaky!

 

[princess_natalie]

Date: 12/17/2008 12:10:19 PM
Author: Winks_Elf

I''m so glad you are posting, and if you take a look at what you''ve written (and I''m sure you have!), you are seeing some things here. Whether we like it or not, we do wind up with similar traits as our parents. However, because you KNOW and see what your mother''s fight or flight patterns are, you have started recognizing it in yourself. Once you become aware of what it is you are doing, the stress levels will go up because you will become frustrated with yourself. BUT, the next step is that you will figure out what it is (aside from school and tests, etc.) that is frustrating you so badly, and that is when you will be able to learn to eliminate/avoid/deal with those triggers.


You are under a tremendous amount of stress right now with your schooling. A weekend trip is great, but it''s truly not enough time to relax the stress away. Don''t make any rash decisions on anything right now. Is there a counselor that you can talk to (aside from us, lol)? Have you tried meditation? Is your living space organized and clutter free? Believe it or not, the home environment has a significant impact on our moods, and can contribute to the stress and frustration.

Winks_Elf - Thank you for your post. You also brought to my attention that my patterns are similar to my mothers, and honestly, that scares me. Although, now that I recognize it, I am certain I can strive to change it.

To be honest, I hate counselling... I have tried it on various occasions for various issues (depression, rape, even just plain ol'' overwhelming school responsibilities) and I have never found it helpful. Unfortunate, I know. Thank you for the idea though.

However, the home environment matter that you mentioned really rang true.. Right now, becuase I move back home for the holiday break and back off to school in the new year, I am living out of suitcases and bags. It is cluttered and overwhelming and yes, I have even realized how it affects me. I am going to find ways to better organize a bit.

Although, I''m away for the weekend again, so it''s easier said than done.

 

[princess_natalie]

Date: 12/17/2008 12:40:28 PM
Author: Porridge
Hey Princess Natalie, sorry I''m late replying but *wow* you just handled your problems way better than I ever did! I''m so impressed that you guys talked it through and have strategies for working it out - well done for seeing through your stress. Give it your best shot! I hope it works out

Aw, Porridge, thank you so much!! I honestly couldn''t have done it without the support I got here! Thank you!!

 

[musey]

Oh my. I could have written that post myself, about a year and a half ago.

Sometimes stress just mounts and mounts, then you pick at each other because there''s no one else there to take your frustration out on. Then you get in a rut of feeling unhappy around each other, and it takes something big to break you out of it.

What broke us out? An incredibly immature argument, in which I projected onto him and he projected onto me and I stormed out and disappeared on a long walk. I didn''t take my cell, and he''s not used to me being gone without a way to know where I am and that I''m safe. I was gone for an hour, but it was enough time for us to stew over the argument and then calm down, before I returned.

We really could have skipped the fight part if we weren''t both feeling so run-down and bitter. We could''ve gone on to the two-hour discussion on everything that had been bothering/worrying/stressing us, airing absolutely everything and vowing to make changes. Then we spent the evening at home reconnecting--which we could finally do after we''d vented all of our anger.


This is the kind of thing that I think you''re supposed to keep in check, so that it never gets to the big-fight-then-air-your-frustrations level. We''re getting better at this. We air everything as it comes so nothing builds, there are no grudges... it''s all out there.

I have no idea what I''m rambling about anymore. Hopefully it helps a little.

 

[musey]

LOL--I just realized how late my post is, please disregard!

 

[princess_natalie]

Date: 12/17/2008 9:27:46 PM
Author: musey
Oh my. I could have written that post myself, about a year and a half ago.


Sometimes stress just mounts and mounts, then you pick at each other because there''s no one else there to take your frustration out on. Then you get in a rut of feeling unhappy around each other, and it takes something big to break you out of it.


What broke us out? An incredibly immature argument, in which I projected onto him and he projected onto me and I stormed out and disappeared on a long walk. I didn''t take my cell, and he''s not used to me being gone without a way to know where I am and that I''m safe. I was gone for an hour, but it was enough time for us to stew over the argument and then calm down, before I returned.


We really could have skipped the fight part if we weren''t both feeling so run-down and bitter. We could''ve gone on to the two-hour discussion on everything that had been bothering/worrying/stressing us, airing absolutely everything and vowing to make changes. Then we spent the evening at home reconnecting--which we could finally do after we''d vented all of our anger.



This is the kind of thing that I think you''re supposed to keep in check, so that it never gets to the big-fight-then-air-your-frustrations level. We''re getting better at this. We air everything as it comes so nothing builds, there are no grudges... it''s all out there.


I have no idea what I''m rambling about anymore. Hopefully it helps a little.

musey - Thank you for your post! I am not going to disregard it, as its never ever too late! I appreciate the support I have gotten here. It was nice to read what you shared. I am glad to hear you are getting better at keeping things in check; I think that is something we need to strive for too But anyways, thank you! Every little bit helps.

 

[princess_natalie]

Oh! And I should add...

ONE WHOLE ENTIRE DAY WITHOUT FIGHTING

Thanks ladies!

 

[princess_natalie]

I can''t believe I am posting to my own thread YET again.. Is there a rule against this.. But, I just wanted to add - AGAIN -

I just found a note in my bag that I had at his place during the weekend. I don''t know how he snuck it in there but, my word, they are sneaky wonderful creatures. It is so sweet. I love him

And after all of this, with help from PS, I am very very excited to see him tomorrow!