Why ask for advice and then reject it all?

[littlelysser]

Hey LIWs - I have noticed a trend of LIWs who post seeking advice - and give a fairly detailed account of their lives and their relationship and their current position in life - and then proceed to reject every single bit of advice given.

Why ask for advice if you only plan to justify and explain why you are unable to resolve/change/improve/get out of the very situation you posted about?

This isn''t directed at any poster in particular...

I''m not asking this to be snarky or mean...I just really don''t understand it.

 

[diamondfan]

I think some people are looking for validation or approval and do not want to hear anything but that. If they do not get it, they have to justify themselves.

Sometimes, if they do not give enough info they have to come back and clarify things, but if they still get advice in opposition to what they want to hear, well...there are some people who do not want to change anything in their lives.

 

[Lauren8211]

I agreed with DF.

I think everyone comes here to meet a certain need. Some need an e-hug, some need (even want!) a slap in the face, and others just need to pounce on the insecurities of others.

Plus, some people (myself included) may fight any advice given to them tooth and nail, and then 48 hours later, actually start to analyze it. I think some people are looking for advice, but when they get it, feel as though they''re being attacked. (I''m a really sensitive girl, and I often feel this way, and am working on it). Once they calm down, they can see the advice for what it is, and may/may not come back to tell us everything we said made sense.

Also, a lot of times the advice here is "Break up!" or "Move out!" or "Get Therapy" and the answers they got were so extreme, that they hadn''t really internally considered them yet. Maybe they thought they''d get a different response, and were overwhelmed with what came back.

 

[diamondfan]

Elle, I think that is true too, some people just like to be a bit defensive and then, when they have had time to digest things, realize that some of the comments here ARE valid or make some sense. But it is initially hard to hear certain things, and some people do not take to that too well.

Bottom line, we only know what the poster tells us. We all bring our own life experiences and views to the table. Some people read something posted and have an immediate reaction, like Elle said, Get out, break up, you are in the wrong here not him....and while I would guess that MANY times we wise PS'ers may be pretty dead on, even if we have to read between the lines, it comes as a shock to the poster. Now, maybe, as time goes by, the poster lets certain things percolate down, and they might even think, oh gosh, maybe this is NOT the best relationship for me, or wow, I see now that this is not something I should whine about or focus on...


And of course we be hasty and misjudge things or read into things based on our own stuff. That is really part of life as well, we all have been impacted by things in our own worlds, so naturally we then generalize that out. I always try to make sure I am clear that certain things are things I would not or could not handle, but I also know I deal with things others would flat out not tolerate. I only really get more adamant if someone is being really mistreated and seems miserable. Often, as I learned in graduate school, people in painful relationships have a really tough time applying stuff to themselves...they might tell a friend to not put up with X Y or Z, could see that very clearly, but in their own relationship are putting up with the same or worse. Then they come here, and we all can readily recognize certain red flags or trouble spots but the poster is not quite there yet...

I know for myself I am only trying to offer help, even in this limited way, and if the poster is just not ready to hear it, well, that is their path and it is not anything I can change.

 

[neatfreak]

Good points DF. Personally, I certainly don't always like the advice given to me/others, and sometimes of course it is off the mark because this IS the internet. But when I ask for advice on PS it's because I want it! Although there might be a number of non-helpful posts usually someone has some great advice out there for me that I end up listening to. And even the non-helpful stuff is appreciated.

But if you don't want ANY advice, they should preface their post by saying it is a VENT not that they are looking for advice KWIM? At least that is what I do if I just need to vent and am not looking for advice. So if someone asks for advice or posts about a situation and asks what they should do, what we think, etc. I do try to be kind, but I also will be very honest...

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I think this holds true for everyone in life- whether it be in real life or online - people don't change until they are ready to change. Doesn't matter how many people give them advice... Until they are ready to see the light they aren't going to listen to anyone!

 

[vita*dolce]

i agree with elle and DF! i think some ladies just post hoping to get a certain response and got something else all together... but the problem with asking for advice online in the first place is that you simply can''t give a detailed enough account of your relationship to give readers enough information to really make any judgments. relationships have so much nuance that no over-simplified account of an argument or an issue can ever really be understood, so we do the best we can to advise, and that''s really all we can do!

(though, on the other hand, i''m convinced some posters don''t want advice at all, they just want to vent..)

 

[diamondfan]

Neat, I agree. I am always honest, but I try to be kind too. Messages can be delivered many ways. I am not a cruel person at all so I always want to make sure I do not come across that way, even if my opinion/comments/advice are not what the OP is really looking for.

And who really likes being told, you are being dumb here or you are not seeing the big picture...I think we ALL like to think we are capable and competent!

I also think if you just want to vent, say so. You still might be getting advice anyway, but make your needs clear. And the funny thing is sometimes you get help or aid from a place you least expect, and if we all try to be kind and really are trying to be of help, we never really know what good effect we might be having on someone!

I think the great thing is when people really have no one in their real life to go to, they are scared or ashamed or whatever, they CAN come here and really truly get some amazing input. I am glad for any thread that has helped someone who would otherwise not get help.

 

[fieryred33143]

I''m not an LIW anymore but I started my PS journey on this side of the world so these are my thoughts.

I think that people forget online that the person you are typing to does indeed have feelings. Everyone keeps saying "well this is just the internet" but unless we are all some highly advanced robots with capability to hold conversation, we are all still human. All of that said, people on here sometimes don''t understand that when a person is mad or hurt they are defensive. We see it "IRL" all the time. It''s like when your partner or your best friend is mad and you have to decide whether he/she is in a mood to listen to advice or is in a mood to just be hugged. Now granted its much easier to detect what mood they are in when it''s in person than over a computer. That''s why when a poster comes back and is defensive, it''s best just to leave it alone because its obvious they aren''t looking for advice. With the 1,000s of topics on here, it''s easier to just say ''ok next topic'' than it is to spend 5 pages going back and forth.

I also think that when people post out of anger, a lot more negative things are going to be said about the relationship than positive until they calm down which is why they end up getting defensive when someone basically tells them that their relationship sucks. It''s not that the relationship sucks, it''s just that the 200 words they posted above made it seem that way. I think we all need to remember that not everyone is going to post their entire life story before asking a question. They''re going to state the problem with a little bit of background info related to that problem and that''s it so we should all use our judgment when posting a reply. And if you chose to say exactly what you think about the situation, which is perfectly fine and I do it all the time, just remember that it has the possibility to be read the wrong way.

And by you, I don''t mean you littlelysser

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/16/2008 12:33:39 PM
Author: diamondfan
Neat, I agree. I am always honest, but I try to be kind too. Messages can be delivered many ways. I am not a cruel person at all so I always want to make sure I do not come across that way, even if my opinion/comments/advice are not what the OP is really looking for.


And who really likes being told, you are being dumb here or you are not seeing the big picture...I think we ALL like to think we are capable and competent!


I also think if you just want to vent, say so. You still might be getting advice anyway, but make your needs clear. And the funny thing is sometimes you get help or aid from a place you least expect, and if we all try to be kind and really are trying to be of help, we never really know what good effect we might be having on someone!


I think the great thing is when people really have no one in their real life to go to, they are scared or ashamed or whatever, they CAN come here and really truly get some amazing input. I am glad for any thread that has helped someone who would otherwise not get help.

Advice is just that... advice. If someone posted and said, "Make this decision for me," I would think, hey, they want to be told what to do so that they can do it. Otherwise, I assume they are just polling for opinions on their situation, and want to hear other takes than their own.

If they don''t take the advice, no biggie, clearly they didn''t get the type of advice they were seeking. *shrugs*
There is nothing about asking for advice that implies that you are going to take it.

 

[littlelysser]

Interesting ideas.

I totally get that there is a BIG difference between a poster that vents and one that asks for advice...I''m a big fan of the vent, and I know I did it several times on the BWW board...I''m taking about the people that specifically ask for advice about situation X.

I guess I don''t understand the purpose of posting seeking advice when the OP is unwilling to do anything at all to change the status quo and basically ends up defending and justifying the initial situation or issue.

Interesting thoughts though!

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/16/2008 1:32:08 PM
Author: littlelysser
Interesting ideas.


I totally get that there is a BIG difference between a poster that vents and one that asks for advice...I''m a big fan of the vent, and I know I did it several times on the BWW board...I''m taking about the people that specifically ask for advice about situation X.


I guess I don''t understand the purpose of posting seeking advice when the OP is unwilling to do anything at all to change the status quo and basically ends up defending and justifying the initial situation or issue.


Interesting thoughts though!

Sometimes I think people come on here thinking they want advice, and once they get it, they''re like "Oh crap! I just wanted to vent! These PSers are crazy! Stop ripping on my relationship!"

I guess we can just throw in our .02, and if they take it, fine, if not, fine. Just like Fiery said, if they get defensive, back off, just like you''d do with your significant other or a good friend.

And again, interesting topic for sure.

 

[purrfectpear]

If anything I think most of us on PS do "back off on the reality check language" compared to the advice we might give face to face to a real close friend. If my best friend told me some of the things I''ve read on PS I would probably grab her arm, spin her around, and say "Girl, you gotta get your stuff together and deal, this is nuts!!!" Instead we try to get the poster to take off the rose colored glasses, but we don''t tell them we think they''ve lost their ever lovin'' mind

There''s nothing wrong with a good old fashioned vent, but if venting means you don''t want any comments, then what is left to post? "Thanks for venting"

"Your totally off the wall take on things is fascinating"

"Yes, your FMIL, BF, SO, MOB, (fill in the blank) is a jerk/b*tch, thank you for sharing"

 

[galeteia]

Date: 8/16/2008 1:29:57 PM
Author: fieryred33143
I''m not an LIW anymore but I started my PS journey on this side of the world so these are my thoughts.


I think that people forget online that the person you are typing to does indeed have feelings. Everyone keeps saying ''well this is just the internet'' but unless we are all some highly advanced robots with capability to hold conversation, we are all still human. All of that said, people on here sometimes don''t understand that when a person is mad or hurt they are defensive. We see it ''IRL'' all the time. It''s like when your partner or your best friend is mad and you have to decide whether he/she is in a mood to listen to advice or is in a mood to just be hugged. Now granted its much easier to detect what mood they are in when it''s in person than over a computer. That''s why when a poster comes back and is defensive, it''s best just to leave it alone because its obvious they aren''t looking for advice. With the 1,000s of topics on here, it''s easier to just say ''ok next topic'' than it is to spend 5 pages going back and forth.


I also think that when people post out of anger, a lot more negative things are going to be said about the relationship than positive until they calm down which is why they end up getting defensive when someone basically tells them that their relationship sucks. It''s not that the relationship sucks, it''s just that the 200 words they posted above made it seem that way. I think we all need to remember that not everyone is going to post their entire life story before asking a question. They''re going to state the problem with a little bit of background info related to that problem and that''s it so we should all use our judgment when posting a reply. And if you chose to say exactly what you think about the situation, which is perfectly fine and I do it all the time, just remember that it has the possibility to be read the wrong way.

A huge ditto to this.

It always amazes me when people think that a 200 word OP gives them enough context to make the outrageous judgments that sometimes crop up in threads, and then get all snotty when the OP gets defensive. I wish people would ASK questions to clarify the situation before delivering a sermon on the mount, instead of getting all frenzied at the chance to give someone a sit-down.

Littlelysser, I think often people reject advice because the emotionality of the situation isn''t being addressed and they can''t see the goodwill because they''re still stinging from being spanked.

 

[diamondfan]

I think it is twofold. If someone comes on here and is mad, and posts stuff that is derogatory about their mate, that is all we are getting initially. If they happen to come back and say, I was not being totally fair, I was really pissed off at him/her and thus I might have made it sound worse than it is...it does clear things up more, but again, we read the first post and that is what we''re going on.

And I totally get that advice given is not advice that must or should be taken, but again, a non vent only thread would beg the question to me, are they not maybe seeking some help, even bits and pieces, if they are in a situation that is complicated and they are stuck. Again, they can throw it all out the window, but I think it helps if they at least have a sense of openness, even one line in one reply might really give some insight or help to the OP. I cannot say I think everyone who is upset and posts it here is going to go AH HAH you guys are SOO right, what a ninny I am, and I do not think that we want that either, because they have to log off and go live their life and live with the consequences of their choices. We log off and do our own thing too.

I do think there are some amazingly wise and compassionate people here, and sometimes a poster just needs to be gently calmed down and able to see past their issue. I think most PS''ers are not really trying to affect sweeping change in anyone''s life, but we cannot help but reply and want to help in some of the more intriguing or charged threads. And we all have our own spin on things and come from our own perspective.

 

[LaraOnline]

I''m not so sure ''we'' need to hear about every single thing for background - like, how he''s always nice to cats, and about Aunt Anne''s christmas get together last year...
these kinds of detail can actually crowd the story, making it more difficult to get clear advice.

I think PS can ''cut through'', and provide you with the type of responses that your best friends or relatives might not be able to give you... because they know you, and have formed their own opinions about you, your life and your personality.

anonymity can be freedom.

and - the truth hurts! I hate being told what I''m scared of thinking. It makes me feel sick.

 

[diamondfan]

I think there is a difference in very peripheral information and someone posting something about their boyfriend and then adding "Oh and he slept with my best friend last week". I think collectively we can suss out what facts are pertinent and which are not. Sometimes you get the relevant stuff in fits and starts, and some of it really is vital. I think if someone is coming here with something troubling or perplexing there are facts that really make a difference and they are often dribbled out, again, that is the OP''s choice, but it is often stuff that really makes a difference in what people post back to the OP. It makes it hard to make a comment if you think one thing, and then, upon hearing that they slept with the best friend, all bets are off! Like, oops, well that changes things a bit!

 

[Kaleigh]

Good question. We do see this a lot on PS. Part of me thinks the person wants to vent, to get their point across. But when people respond, being honest, well the truth hurts and then they get all defensive. If I had a dollar$ for every time this has happened on PS, I''d be one rich woman.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/16/2008 1:32:08 PM
Author: littlelysser

I guess I don''t understand the purpose of posting seeking advice when the OP is unwilling to do anything at all to change the status quo and basically ends up defending and justifying the initial situation or issue.


Interesting thoughts though!

i don''t think that just because advice given isn''t followed immediately to a T doesn''t mean that the poster is "unwilling to do anything at all to change the status quo". sure there are some no-brainer situations where the poster really should follow the advice (abuse, etc), but there are plenty of situations that take a lot more thought and are likely dependent on things that aren''t covered in an original post. i don''t read the LIW board very often so i can''t think of any examples off the top of my head but a situation that i was in my freshmen year of college comes to mind. i was talking with my sister about how i was having trouble going out with/meeting people/friends because everyone seemed to drink and i didn''t and i didn''t really like being around it at all. she suggested that i go to the parties and get a red cup with just sprite and pretend it was a mixed drink so i would feel less subconscious about not drinking. to me, that was the most ridiculous thing i could think of and was pretty appalled when she suggested it, but in her mind it solved the problem. but it wasn''t a solution that worked for ME. so i think that even when viable opinions/advice is given, there''s usually really no way of REALLY knowing if that is a good option for the poster.

i also agree that just because someone asks for advice that they aren''t under an obligation to follow it. some people just need a sounding board and often times there really are more than one good solution to whatever the poster is posting about....and very few of them are one-size-fits-all

 

[HollyS]

Regrettably, many women are in relationships that are NOT headed for *forever*. Because they have invested so much of themselves in their relationship, they are unwilling to acknowledge the real issues, and focus instead on the 'symptons, rather than the illness'.

We see it time and again on LIW, and some other threads. Some people who post very regularly are among those that have real problems, and have been that OP asking advice. And after all is said and done, five pages of posts later, they still haven't acknowledged their bigger issues; they've only resolved the small problem at hand that prompted their post.

We cannot make people take our advice; we can only offer it. And be as kind as we can to people who are hurting, without resorting to platitudes and cliched responses. Occasionally, we just have to tell the truth, and let the dust settle where it will.

 

[littlelysser]

Author: mimzy
Date: 8/16/2008 1:32:08 PM

i don't think that just because advice given isn't followed immediately to a T doesn't mean that the poster is 'unwilling to do anything at all to change the status quo'. sure there are some no-brainer situations where the poster really should follow the advice (abuse, etc), but there are plenty of situations that take a lot more thought and are likely dependent on things that aren't covered in an original post. i don't read the LIW board very often so i can't think of any examples off the top of my head but a situation that i was in my freshmen year of college comes to mind. i was talking with my sister about how i was having trouble going out with/meeting people/friends because everyone seemed to drink and i didn't and i didn't really like being around it at all. she suggested that i go to the parties and get a red cup with just sprite and pretend it was a mixed drink so i would feel less subconscious about not drinking. to me, that was the most ridiculous thing i could think of and was pretty appalled when she suggested it, but in her mind it solved the problem. but it wasn't a solution that worked for ME. so i think that even when viable opinions/advice is given, there's usually really no way of REALLY knowing if that is a good option for the poster.


i also agree that just because someone asks for advice that they aren't under an obligation to follow it. some people just need a sounding board and often times there really are more than one good solution to whatever the poster is posting about....and very few of them are one-size-fits-all

I never said anyone should be forced to take the advice given.

Good gawd! Free will is a good thing! And although I agree with some of the previous posters that PS has a very large number of smart and compassionate members, the advice given on the forums certainly isn't the best or only way to look at a situation.

I'm just perplexed by posters who complain about X and request advice - and when people say, Wow, X is really bad, here are some things you could do to fix X, or here is another way to approach X. And the OP then begins to justify X and make it clear why X can never really change anyway.

Anyway, there have been a lot of interesting answers...

 

[diamondfan]

Holly, I also think that sometimes, a woman knows her relationship is not a keeper but posts about some relatively minor thing and dances around the big picture issue. Maybe in passing, pages into the thread, the REAL issue gets thrown out there, often not intentionally, and the smart perceptive PS''ers pick up on it. It then becomes, Heck, you are posting about X but Y is really the issue here, if Y were fine, X would not even be a factor...

Again, though, we know what is told to us, and it is tough for people to really face certain truths. I feel for them and only wish them the best but worry about them too, and wonder what is going to occur in the lomg run.

 

[absolut_blonde]

I think there are a number of reasons, really.


People tend to post about problems when they are riled up. I know I've posted on here after much rumination, which only made me more emotional and likely made my post even more skewed than it otherwise would be. After I calmed down, I realized that I made things out to be worse than they are (as I do in my head sometimes too, unfortunately!).

When you're pissed off, you'll probably post something that is seeking validation FOR your being pissed off so your post will reflect that. By the time you cool down and read the replies, you're probably thinking more clearly. This results in replies that may be seen as backtracking -- but sometimes they might just be clarification.

People post their side. It's hard to be objective. When you are emotionally involved in a situation that is bothering you, that is obviously going to influence the way you see the situation & thus what you post about it.


Similarly, WE love to think that we are being super 'objective'. But how can we be, given the above factors? To some extent, the poster may or may not 'know better' than us. Perhaps their denial of our advice is valid, perhaps not. It's the nature of the internet. Some posters will be in denial, some are simply being given inaccurate advice for whatever reason (maybe their OP was misleading). We can only try to give a fresh perspective and hope that, in the case of someone IN a truly bad situation, we might help provide some insight occasionally. Ultimately, it's a crapshoot.


If I actually put everything down on paper, my list of complaints about SO would consist of about 2 items and the list of raves would consist of over 100. But, are those 100 pertinent to the problem at hand when I am posting about an issue for advice/to rant? Not so much. I try to make my posts relatively concise and I'd rather not bore everyone with the million and one reasons why I KNOW SO is the one. So those tend to be put to the wayside when someone is seeking advice.

It's hard to give a balanced view of the BIG picture and even when people do, sometimes it comes across as 'justifying' or 'making excuses' (I say this because I'm sure *I* have written things that have come across that way -- so I'm not pointing fingers here). I don't post here that often to rave about SO because I have many raves, quite frequently. Do people care that he does nice stuff for me every day? Probably not and I am sure they'd get sick of hearing about it! Unfortunately, sometimes the only thing that really prompts me to make a new post is when I am feeling down in the dumps and need support. Does that mean my relationship is bad? It's just the opposite, as *I* know -- but it's no surprise if people here don't realize that all of the time.

 

[hairgirl95]

Date: 8/17/2008 1:07:22 AM
Author: HollyS
Regrettably, many women are in relationships that are NOT headed for *forever*. Because they have invested so much of themselves in their relationship, they are unwilling to acknowledge the real issues, and focus instead on the ''symptons, rather than the illness''.


We see it time and again on LIW, and some other threads. Some people who post very regularly are among those that have real problems, and have been that OP asking advice. And after all is said and done, five pages of posts later, they still haven''t acknowledged their bigger issues; they''ve only resolved the small problem at hand that prompted their post.


We cannot make people take our advice; we can only offer it. And be as kind as we can to people who are hurting, without resorting to platitudes and cliched responses. Occasionally, we just have to tell the truth, and let the dust settle where it will.

Holly, you and diamondfan really nailed my opinion on this. You both said it so well. I *try* to stay out of the really tense and inflammatory threads, but I always read them because they are like a bad wreck--you feel for the person but you can''t help but look!

Anyways, as Holly said, there are so many posts I have read where I ask myself "why are these 2 people together", and "this relationship will never last". I just don''t have the heart to post that though. I totally agree that when the big things in a relationship are in the toilet, the little everyday nagging things present themselves front and center.

My opinion is pretty much this. When 2 people are in love, in sync, and sharing a life together, getting engaged and married should not require timelines, deadlines, ultimatums, and such. The relationship just evolves and "ever after" becomes a natural progression. When I read posts about these things, it makes me think that hey, these are 2 people that are NOT on the same page, and are both parties really on the same emotional devotion level. I have been married twice, and NEITHER time required ultimatums, time lines, or such. Yes, my current husband bought my ring and I knew it was in the house, so I won''t lie and say I didn''t keep hinting at when I would get it

but he didn''t buy the ring because of arm twisting, me crying and begging, or anything. He didn''t sit on it for long (20 some days). I think if you have to force a commitment, there is something foundationally (if thats a word) wrong with the relationship. Dragging feet, to me, is not a good sign.

I do think PS''ers pick up on the bigger picture. Most vents/rants/opinions that offend really are that way because its the little things that we complain about, and we don''t want to face the bigger picture--that the relationship may be in a really unhealthy place. It seems some people would rather fix the little problems over and over and ignore the biggies. When we have to think about the harsh realization that the relationship may be in the crapper, we instantly get defensive. That may be where the *ignoring* of advice comes from. On the other hand, as many of you said, it may simply be a rant/vent and the OP really just wanted to get a frustration off their chest.

Just my opinion here. Having been married twice to two totally opposite types of men, I guess I feel like I have been "around the block" and when you see red warning flags, your heart really goes out to them. Sometimes I want to jump through my computer and shake the person and say hey, you are so much better than this. Find someone who loves you as much right back.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/17/2008 1:16:58 AM
Author: littlelysser

Author: mimzy

Date: 8/16/2008 1:32:08 PM


i don''t think that just because advice given isn''t followed immediately to a T doesn''t mean that the poster is ''unwilling to do anything at all to change the status quo''. sure there are some no-brainer situations where the poster really should follow the advice (abuse, etc), but there are plenty of situations that take a lot more thought and are likely dependent on things that aren''t covered in an original post. i don''t read the LIW board very often so i can''t think of any examples off the top of my head but a situation that i was in my freshmen year of college comes to mind. i was talking with my sister about how i was having trouble going out with/meeting people/friends because everyone seemed to drink and i didn''t and i didn''t really like being around it at all. she suggested that i go to the parties and get a red cup with just sprite and pretend it was a mixed drink so i would feel less subconscious about not drinking. to me, that was the most ridiculous thing i could think of and was pretty appalled when she suggested it, but in her mind it solved the problem. but it wasn''t a solution that worked for ME. so i think that even when viable opinions/advice is given, there''s usually really no way of REALLY knowing if that is a good option for the poster.



i also agree that just because someone asks for advice that they aren''t under an obligation to follow it. some people just need a sounding board and often times there really are more than one good solution to whatever the poster is posting about....and very few of them are one-size-fits-all

I never said anyone should be forced to take the advice given.

Good gawd! Free will is a good thing! And although I agree with some of the previous posters that PS has a very large number of smart and compassionate members, the advice given on the forums certainly isn''t the best or only way to look at a situation.

Anyway, there have been a lot of interesting answers...

i never said you said that they should be forced to?

the bolded part is the answer to your original question, at least for those who aren''t in denial.

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 8/17/2008 9:31:35 AM
Author: mimzy

i never said you said that they should be forced to?


the bolded part is the answer to your original question, at least for those who aren't in denial.

You've lost me here.

I was responding to the portion of your post where you agreed that people shouldn't be forced to take advice...I was trying to clarify my position on the subject, namely the idea that I was not suggesting that people should be forced to take advice. It just struck me as a bit silly that anyone would even interpret my original post as standing for the proposition that if someone seeks advice they should be bound by the advice given. Again, I'm not saying YOU said that...but came up a few times, most recently in your post.

Anyway, who is in denial? The advice givers? The askers? And what are "they" in denial about?

I'm not sure you understand what I'm talking about, because the bolded part of my answer doesn't really respond to my question of why one would seek advice on situation X only to receive said advice and respond by saying that situation X isn't really that bad and justify the continuation of situation X. It doesn't so much have to do with quality of the advice given, so much as the response to ANY advice given.

See the distinction I'm trying to make?

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 8/17/2008 12:27:39 AM
Author: Kaleigh
Good question. We do see this a lot on PS. Part of me thinks the person wants to vent, to get their point across. But when people respond, being honest, well the truth hurts and then they get all defensive. If I had a dollar$ for every time this has happened on PS, I''d be one rich woman.

That makes sense to me. I can understand that is often some bitter medicine to take!

I just find it kind of fascinating.

I wonder if anyone has done a study on the phenomenon.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 8/17/2008 10:20:47 AM
Author: littlelysser

Date: 8/17/2008 12:27:39 AM
Author: Kaleigh
Good question. We do see this a lot on PS. Part of me thinks the person wants to vent, to get their point across. But when people respond, being honest, well the truth hurts and then they get all defensive. If I had a dollar$ for every time this has happened on PS, I''d be one rich woman.

That makes sense to me. I can understand that is often some bitter medicine to take!

I just find it kind of fascinating.

I wonder if anyone has done a study on the phenomenon.

It could probably fall under cognitive dissonance. It can be an uncomfortable feeling, for sure.

 

[beebrisk]

Date: 8/16/2008 3:22:24 PM
Author: purrfectpear

There''s nothing wrong with a good old fashioned vent, but if venting means you don''t want any comments, then what is left to post? ''Thanks for venting''

''Your totally off the wall take on things is fascinating''

''Yes, your FMIL, BF, SO, MOB, (fill in the blank) is a jerk/b*tch, thank you for sharing''

Purrfect: LOL!! How true.

Because I have been involved in a recent little scrap around here (as the responder, not the OP) I can relate to this thread.

First of all I have to say that an internet forum is probably the last place I would come to ''vent'' about my relationship, my job, my family, etc. I''ve never felt the need for a "cyber hug" or even understood how that could possibly make someone feel better. I am fortunate to have a great support system in my life, so baring my soul on my laptop just isn''t something I would do.

That said however, I guess I understand the need to get one''s feelings "out there", especially if no one in your life is listening or if you simply don''t want them to hear. I do understand why sometimes it''s helpful to write it all down.

However, if it''s not going in your private diary, and you are presenting your issues to the world, you should at least be prepared for a variety of responses that may or may not be exactly what you wanted to hear.

I believe that PS members are for the most part, thoughtful and caring in their posts. I believe that most of us take the time to read and respond in the most honest way possible. I don''t think people come here to be "mean" or just to "pounce" on a particular person. But all too often I see OPs get really angry if they are presented with an opinion or an idea that is construed as ''negative''. If only self-serving responses are welcomed by the OP, then perhaps a public forum is not the way to go.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/17/2008 12:44:17 PM
Author: beebrisk

Date: 8/16/2008 3:22:24 PM
Author: purrfectpear

There''s nothing wrong with a good old fashioned vent, but if venting means you don''t want any comments, then what is left to post? ''Thanks for venting''

''Your totally off the wall take on things is fascinating''

''Yes, your FMIL, BF, SO, MOB, (fill in the blank) is a jerk/b*tch, thank you for sharing''

Purrfect: LOL!! How true.

Because I have been involved in a recent little scrap around here (as the responder, not the OP) I can relate to this thread.

First of all I have to say that an internet forum is probably the last place I would come to ''vent'' about my relationship, my job, my family, etc. I''ve never felt the need for a ''cyber hug'' or even understood how that could possibly make someone feel better. I am fortunate to have a great support system in my life, so baring my soul on my laptop just isn''t something I would do.

That said however, I guess I understand the need to get one''s feelings ''out there'', especially if no one in your life is listening or if you simply don''t want them to hear. I do understand why sometimes it''s helpful to write it all down.

However, if it''s not going in your private diary, and you are presenting your issues to the world, you should at least be prepared for a variety of responses that may or may not be exactly what you wanted to hear.

I believe that PS members are for the most part, thoughtful and caring in their posts. I believe that most of us take the time to read and respond in the most honest way possible. I don''t think people come here to be ''mean'' or just to ''pounce'' on a particular person. But all too often I see OPs get really angry if they are presented with an opinion or an idea that is construed as ''negative''. If only self-serving responses are welcomed by the OP, then perhaps a public forum is not the way to go.

Bee-
You don''t NEED to understand why some people vent on a forum while others, like yourself ,find comfort in your ''huge'' support system.there is no need to judge. we are human and all very different. I think that if you come on this site and ASK the forum for advice.. then sit back and take what comes to you. I do not think though that mean rude snarky comments need to be made. We are all human, we all have problems and there is always a back story and more information than is provided. I try to keep this in mind before i POUNCE on someone and TRY to make them feel foolish and terrible.

If a person posts a VENT... something that they just need to get off their chest.. then BACK OFF. Self serving comments are not needed.. no comment is really needed. but obviously the poster is feeling vulnerable and upset and mean rude catty snarky comments are not necessary.. they aren''t. you feel how you do and that is your right. but you cannot judge others because they have their own opinion and feelings.