Why did it take you so long to get engaged?!

[Lilac]

Date: 1/12/2010 2:25:58 PM

Author: setell

I also think people that say they knew their SO was the “one” in a few months is a bit full of it. How do you really know after a few months? I mean how comfortable are you with him/her that you know? Do you know enough or that the honeymoon phase of the relationship has pass where you both are not ashamed to show the ugly parts of yourself we all hide during the honeymoon phase. But, that is all my opinion and thoughts. I don’t go to good friends of ours asking why they got married so fast (FI and I have been together longer than they’ve been dating, engaged AND married) since I know why. They are religious and want to get into each other pants! Well…we’re the total opposite and to a certain degree I will even go as far as to say religion is a way for mass brain washing. I just wish them all the best and move on since everybody is different. Personally I think some women are putting way too much importance on getting married and having these deadlines, ultimatums or worse yet call themselves a LIW (could be good but a lot of stories here seems to be negative). You’re setting yourself up for failure in my opinion vs let the relationship take it’s course. If life goals aren’t on the same path for the couple than it’s time to call it quits. Being married means nothing too if your life goals aren’t inline with each other.

I am religious. Saved myself for marriage - our first time (with *anyone* and with each other) was our wedding night. And I have a journal that I kept that can prove that I knew I wanted to marry him within the first month we started dating. After our first date I came home, took a notebook, and wrote down how I was feeling. I had never kept a journal or diary before, but I felt the need to write down how I was feeling. I kept a journal for the first year of our relationship, and I''m really happy I did because I love reading the progression of my feelings and how I felt back then. And sure enough, exactly 6 days after our first date I wrote down that I had fallen in love with him was was nervous to tell him because I didn''t want to scare him away. 8 days after our first date he told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too and we talked about how we felt and how we didn''t know it was possible to feel that way about someone else so quickly (and at such a young age), but we knew it was love. And about a week later we were discussing spending the rest of our lives together. We talked about getting married, starting a family, and our future. And it wasn''t just "puppy love" or infatuation - we genuinely cared about and truly deeply loved each other. Yes, the love has definitely grown and we have developed even DEEPER feelings and love for each other over the years, but I certainly am not "full of it" when I say we knew right away that we wanted to get married.

Now do I think people should get married after only a month or two months or even 6 months? No. But it''s not up to me to decide how they feel about each other and how quickly they get to feel that way. I do believe it''s absolutely possible to know you want to marry someone that quickly (because I knew for sure and I had no doubts in my mind). But I don''t think it''s the smartest thing to do to get married that quickly because I think you should get past that "honeymoon phase" and really get through things together and become as strong as possible before getting married.

But just because my personal opinion is that I don''t think it''s necessarily a smart thing to get married so quickly doesn''t mean I don''t believe two people can *know* they want to spend their lives together that quickly. Because I felt that way. And I''m not full of it - I have a journal to prove it

 

[dragonfly411]

I also knew mine was the one pretty early on. No one had ever made me so happy, had ever WANTED to make me so happy.

Honestly I feel like your posts are a little full of it personally.

My SO is younger than me... I don''t feel any need to PUSH him towards marriage just b/c we''ve been together a long time.

 

[Haven]

I always find it baffling when people care so much about the choices that *other* people make in their lives. Why does it matter why some people take so long to get engaged? HH said it best--different strokes for different folks.

If everyone stopped worrying about what everyone else was doing and started focusing on their own lives, the world would be a much happier place.

If I had *my* say in the way other people lived their lives, (not that I want it,) everyone would marry when and only when they felt absolutely ready to do so. They wouldn''t allow timelines, social pressure, or guilt to push them into marriage.

As for having nothing else to talk about after the first year together--that sounds like a big red flag, to me.

 

[Laila619]

I think the original poster meant that after a year of dating, there''s nothing else to talk about with regards to what you need to know before getting engaged.

 

[aVogueIdea]

BF and I are on 6 years. Our timeline was October 2009. We arent engaged yet, so our timeline passed. Am I "letting him get away with it"? no. Simply put, we starting dating at 19 and 20. Finished school, got jobs, moved to the same city, became financially stable then started looking for rings and decided our timeline based on financial security so that we wouldn''t have to pay for a ring on credit All was set, then my mom got cancer and his 30 year old family business went under (within 2 months). We couldnt imagine spending money on a ring and wedding when our families needed financial support and we were able to help. Now that we have balanced helping our families as well as saving our money to where it was, we are back on track.

As some other posters have said, often you don''t get all of the details.

 

[turboflgrl]

I had something else typed but frankly it's just not worth it..

Quick summary:

BF and I started dating when we were both 20 and still in college (2004). After 3 years together, BF gave me a promise ring that although we both knew did not mean engagement was in the near future, it signified how much we loved eacother. BF graduated with his degree in mid 2008. Both of us felt emotionally capable of marriage but financially speaking, we weren't. I know there are those out there that think money doesn't matter but frankly, I flat out disagree. Both of us couldn't see ourselves married and renting or married, nowhere near ready for children, and no savings. That is not meant to offend those that disagree but this was simply what we wanted. So in that time period to our recently celebrated our 5 year anniversary in December of 2009, we saved and saved and saved. Now we have at least 20% for a down payment on a house, we have a decently healthy nest egg (continually growing of course), and feel ready for children IF it happened soon after marriage, though we'd like to plan it to be a couple years after. We're also both 25 now which I feel is still VERY young. He also knows my intention of having a long engagement (1 year) - both to enjoy calling eachother "fiance" - you only get that once (hopefully!) and also because I don't have the huge budget some brides do for a wedding but still want to pull off something fantastic. That definitely begs for time!

I guess I just have one question left for you. You stated, "Well, all apologies for the title because I did write it in anger." Why on Earth are you angered by OTHER people's choices in life? When someone else gets married or how much time they "wait" for a proposal has nothing to do with you. If you don't like it, stay out of it. Sure, people post about their frustrations here and that's fine to give advice but why it would anger you is beyond my comprehension....

 

[AdiS]

Date: 1/12/2010 2:25:58 PM
Author: setell

I also think people that say they knew their SO was the “one” in a few months is a bit full of it. How do you really know after a few months? I mean how comfortable are you with him/her that you know? Do you know enough or that the honeymoon phase of the relationship has pass where you both are not ashamed to show the ugly parts of yourself we all hide during the honeymoon phase.

Oh, goody, that''s exactly what this topic needed!

Now that the OP explained herself and cleared up the misunderstanding, we absolutely had to have another extremely narrow-minded and judgmental post to keep it going.

For the record, this time I am insulted and biased. I knew he was the "one" in a matter of days. I still think so after 6+ years.

You know, on second thought, forget it. That post clearly doesn''t apply to me, as I had no ugly parts to hide during the honeymoon phase.

 

[bee*]

I think it''s each to their own. Personally I dated DH for 8 years before we got engaged. We met at 17/18 so had to go through college, getting jobs, travelling the world etc before we wanted to get engaged.

 

[AustenNut]

I''m not engaged (yet) but from the talks my boyfriend and I have had, it won''t be long until we are. Which means that I will probably be engaged by around 15 months of dating. We started dating at 28/30 and are now 29/31.

I think that the MsRaptor and Setell are also having some of their comments taken to extremes. Yes, the tone from the first post was a bit judgmental. It has since been explained. But if you look at the comments from PSers, there are very few people who have dated 5+ years who did not have at least part of that time while they were in school. Most of the people with these 5+ year relationships started dating when they were 16 or 18 or 20 and I think the vast majority of people on this board would not say it''s a bad idea to hold off on marriage at that age since there may still be a lot of changing going on with their interests and desires as they age. And these are specifically some of the people that the OP ruled out of consideration in her rant.

And I''ll admit that Setell''s comment regarding many (though not all) religious people is true. This is coming as someone who''s best friend went to seminary and I saw how many people would meet, date, get engaged, and marry, all within less than a year. She and I both attributed the main cause to their desire for sexual activity. I also encountered this problem as I also wanted to wait until having sex, and a lot of guys either wanted to commit really fast, or they weren''t interested at all. I was like, why can''t we just slow down and go at the speed of a "normal" couple (acknowledging that there is no normal).


All this said, if a couple decides to marry soon, that''s their choice. If they decide to wait a long time, that''s their choice. It doesn''t affect anyone else, so let them live their lives.

 

[karpouzi]

Quite simply, I think it's easy to say "why don't you just leave" when you're on the outside looking in. Naturally, you don't have the emotional involvement that the two people in the relationship do. If a woman wants to get married, it's most likely (hopefully) because she really really loves the guy, and it's not so easy--and not necessarily the best solution--to just get fed up and leave.

I haven't been with my boyfriend for super long, but count me among the people who knew from the start that he was the one. I think I knew even before we officially met. And as I told one of my friends when we first started dating, "I don't so much care if we ever get married, as long as we never break up." I still feel that way.

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 1/13/2010 12:36:29 AM
Author: turboflgrl
I had something else typed but frankly it''s just not worth it..

Quick summary:

BF and I started dating when we were both 20 and still in college (2004). After 3 years together, BF gave me a promise ring that although we both knew did not mean engagement was in the near future, it signified how much we loved eacother. BF graduated with his degree in mid 2008. Both of us felt emotionally capable of marriage but financially speaking, we weren''t. I know there are those out there that think money doesn''t matter but frankly, I flat out disagree. Both of us couldn''t see ourselves married and renting or married, nowhere near ready for children, and no savings. That is not meant to offend those that disagree but this was simply what we wanted. So in that time period to our recently celebrated our 5 year anniversary in December of 2009, we saved and saved and saved. Now we have at least 20% for a down payment on a house, we have a decently healthy nest egg (continually growing of course), and feel ready for children IF it happened soon after marriage, though we''d like to plan it to be a couple years after. We''re also both 25 now which I feel is still VERY young. He also knows my intention of having a long engagement (1 year) - both to enjoy calling eachother ''fiance'' - you only get that once (hopefully!) and also because I don''t have the huge budget some brides do for a wedding but still want to pull off something fantastic. That definitely begs for time!

I guess I just have one question left for you. You stated, ''Well, all apologies for the title because I did write it in anger.'' Why on Earth are you angered by OTHER people''s choices in life? When someone else gets married or how much time they ''wait'' for a proposal has nothing to do with you. If you don''t like it, stay out of it. Sure, people post about their frustrations here and that''s fine to give advice but why it would anger you is beyond my comprehension....

OK I am totally gettiing off topic....but Turboflgrl _ GOOD FOR YOU! You got it together, girl! You should give some lessons on how to prepare for life.
I wish I was that organized and responsible when I was 25!

 

[setell]

Interesting how my words “full of it” stir up so much with the ladies here. I will stand by my words (I did state it was MY opinion too) since the OP seemed to have written her post in a similar yet strong use of words from the other “side”. I’m just throwing out there the possibility that you may not know the person 100% and deluding yourself by having the love goggles on and jumping the gun. I mean say you knew after a week he was the “one” but what if the guy picks his nose and eats it secretly! It’s an interesting debate. Personally I believe religion, culture, peer pressure and the individual personalities play a big part as to why people get married fast/late.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 1/13/2010 1:16:53 PM
Author: setell
Interesting how my words “full of it” stir up so much with the ladies here. I will stand by my words (I did state it was MY opinion too) since the OP seemed to have written her post in a similar yet strong use of words from the other “side”. I’m just throwing out there the possibility that you may not know the person 100% and deluding yourself by having the love goggles on and jumping the gun. I mean say you knew after a week he was the “one” but what if the guy picks his nose and eats it secretly! It’s an interesting debate. Personally I believe religion, culture, peer pressure and the individual personalities play a big part as to why people get married fast/late.

setell, I read your prior response, but held off from replying. Yes, the "full of it" thing rubbed me the wrong way, because of my personal experience with my FI, but the response I''ve quoted above makes your point more clear (and not offensive, like the other one was).

OP''s view was "Why wait so long?" and your view, if I''m understanding, is "What''s the rush?".

Honestly, nobody can ever know another person 100% (do we even know ourselves that much?!). But, if you''re like me, and you have met someone with the same morals, same goals in life, same views on spending money, raising children, etc, they respect you, treat you well, and you''re attracted to them .. what''s to stop you from knowing they''re the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? There is no better match for me than my FI, and we both knew that very early on. We have officially been dating a little over 6 months (gasp!). We live together, and our finances are joined.

Neither of us are religious, nobody in our lives was engaged before us (no peer pressure), and I thought I never wanted to get married, until we started dating. We have both been in serious relationships before, we are both young (20''s), there is no outer "reason" why we want to get married. We have just found the person and relationship that we know we can commit forever to.

I''m sorry, setell, if you truly can''t believe that some people can know quickly. Do a lot of people rush into marriage unprepared? Yes. Do a lot of people get married for the wrong reasons? Yes. But just because you''re together a longer period of time doesn''t mean you''re any more "right" for each other. People can be together for many years before they get married, and they still end up getting a divorce.

 

[Tazie973]

WoW, give her a break. I personaly have thought of asking the same thing. For me i was in a relationship for 14 years with out a proposal, wedding talk or anything else. I THOUGHT him and I would be together forever and we had a child together. The thought of not being married started to bug me around year 5. I brought the subject up and he said yes that was in our future so i assumed it would be. By year 14 it had not happened. I ask my self every day why I stayed with someone whom did not want a wife in me. I was good enough to be the maid, nurse, chef, bill organizer, bank lady, and every other little thing that he wanted out of a LIVE IN. My days of playing house were done. Now i am sure that her question along with mine also are not to be judgemental on anyone. there are several LIW that i am sure are ok with waiting and there is nothing wrong with that, maybe both have agreed to this on personal reasons. I have known people to wait ten years and divorce two years later....or stay together for 50 years...but in all respect, i know there are LIW on here that were are in the situation that i was in. Waiting, assumeing it will happen when the other is saying it will but draging their feet because they are not grown up enough or do not want to be tied down. The " one foot out the door " that many men have. It dont mean they are bad or that the LIW are bad for WAITING......i do believe that the questions pretty much are for those of us who are waiting ( not anymore- different guy ) for years deep down knowing it wont happen but praying it will. I wish i would have trusted my gut but i didnt, i do ask myself was it worth it. I have a beautiful daughter and alot more self respect. I hope this helps.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 1/13/2010 2:39:57 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 1/13/2010 1:16:53 PM

Author: setell

Interesting how my words “full of it” stir up so much with the ladies here. I will stand by my words (I did state it was MY opinion too) since the OP seemed to have written her post in a similar yet strong use of words from the other “side”. I’m just throwing out there the possibility that you may not know the person 100% and deluding yourself by having the love goggles on and jumping the gun. I mean say you knew after a week he was the “one” but what if the guy picks his nose and eats it secretly! It’s an interesting debate. Personally I believe religion, culture, peer pressure and the individual personalities play a big part as to why people get married fast/late.

setell, I read your prior response, but held off from replying. Yes, the 'full of it' thing rubbed me the wrong way, because of my personal experience with my FI, but the response I've quoted above makes your point more clear (and not offensive, like the other one was).


OP's view was 'Why wait so long?' and your view, if I'm understanding, is 'What's the rush?'.


Honestly, nobody can ever know another person 100% (do we even know ourselves that much?!). But, if you're like me, and you have met someone with the same morals, same goals in life, same views on spending money, raising children, etc, they respect you, treat you well, and you're attracted to them .. what's to stop you from knowing they're the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? There is no better match for me than my FI, and we both knew that very early on. We have officially been dating a little over 6 months (gasp!). We live together, and our finances are joined.


Neither of us are religious, nobody in our lives was engaged before us (no peer pressure), and I thought I never wanted to get married, until we started dating. We have both been in serious relationships before, we are both young (20's), there is no outer 'reason' why we want to get married. We have just found the person and relationship that we know we can commit forever to.


I'm sorry, setell, if you truly can't believe that some people can know quickly. Do a lot of people rush into marriage unprepared? Yes. Do a lot of people get married for the wrong reasons? Yes. But just because you're together a longer period of time doesn't mean you're any more 'right' for each other. People can be together for many years before they get married, and they still end up getting a divorce.

Agree 100%.

We just got all the information we needed to make an informed decision within the space of a year. Call us efficient if you like. It's not right or wrong - it just works for us. If taking longer works for another couple - awesome

 

[nkarma]

We got engaged a few weeks before our 7 year anniversary. We met when we were 19 and sophmores in college. I had always envisioned being single until my mid twenties and then finding someone to settle down with and married near 30. I have always been someone that values independence. However, I met the great guy at 19. We graduated college around 22-23 and then spent a few years establishing our career, definitely maturing. I just told my younger sister the other day I feel like your maturity doubles every 2 years in your 20s (at least it did for me). We moved in together a year and a half ago with the intention of trying things out fully except finances and getting engaged within a year. He wanted to move in together a year before that. I remember when he mentioned it I started breathing hard (small hyperventitalition) and just didn't feel ready because as I said I like some freedom, but because we discussed it early I definitely was ready to move in when we did. It was in the 3-5 months before the proposal that I really really had LIWitis. It just hit me and up to that I wasn't really waiting or wanting him to propose so unlike the OP stated I wasn't waiting for a loser to guy to propose for all that time. I was as much a part of how long it took as he was and wouldn't have done anything differently.

Also like AustenNut pointed out, if you look at the people that dated for long periods, they usually started when they were teenagers, early twenties and the people who have shorter engagements were late twenties, older. Most people are getting married around the same age though, they just happened to have met the guy when they weren't ready to get married. I can tell you from experience that we have changed so much from the beginning of the relationship (like you all have since 19!) and I still find it utterly amazing that we did all the changing together, almost simultaneously. It makes me think that we can handle the many changes/challenges ahead of us as well. I think some of the comments about how people don't understand how others can decide so quickly, I can say I see where they are coming from. Just like the ones who met the guy at 28 or around there and are all grown up and ready settle down think what's the hold up on these long relationships, I just can't imagine being ready so quickly but that is because the only perspective I have is meeting someone when I was quite young and we needed lots of time before we were ready.

Another waiting factor, divorce is real and some of the people on this board including myself will possibly be getting a divorce. I take a long time to decide what shirt to buy and even longer for big purchase like a car and even longer for the person I plan to spend the rest of my life with. And unlike your friend who is in a 6 year relationship Ms. Raptor, I have always been extremely ecstatic for the many many friends who have been engaged and married during our dating period. Never felt one pang of jealousy because they had what was right for them and I had what was right for me and like I said I didn't want to get engaged at that point anyways.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Er, I''ll come back in 50 years and let you know if you were right about me and dh being full of it after getting engaged after dating for 5 months and married after being together for a year and a half

 

[rhbgirl24]

It took us FOREVER to get engaged. We started dating in 97, when I was 15 and him 16. So obviously there wouldn't be a proposal in that near future being so young. We we went thru college - at SEPARATE colleges, then lived apart. We moved in together and it was still 4 years after that before he proposed.

We talked about marriage, knew each other was "the one" within the first year, that was never in question. He always said he wanted to do it right, with the ring he wanted and when we were in a better place. So after 11 years of dating, yes 11, he proposed. I couldn't have been happier with the way or the ring (since it blew my mind!) Next week will be our 13 year dating anniversary and even though we are now married, it is still very special to me.

Sometimes you do just know, however sometimes it pays to wait EVEN when you do know. Believe me I wanted it, and sometimes I got upset that he hadn't proposed yet, but he needed to do it his way, and I knew he loved me and he was going to do it. Its not like he had to figure out whether or not he wanted to get married, or wanted to marry me. He was saving for my awesome ring, paying down his college loan debt, and wanted to make sure he was the best he could be before he asked me to spend my life with him. I respect that, even though I was a bit impatient at times.

I couldn't have wished for it to work out better. He paid for the ring in CASH, we paid for the wedding OURSELVES, which means no debt and no having mommy or daddy pay. Now we are buying a house and have the down payment just fine. We wanted to make sure we could do this the way WE wanted to, not with other people paying or having a say in what we do. I love my husband now all the more because he worked so hard for this and put so much thought into my ring and how I would like things - not just did it quick.


There is no right or wrong to how long to date before being engaged, nor should it EVER be judged by another person as to whether its to long/short, each couple is different.

 

[turboflgrl]

Date: 1/13/2010 1:09:51 PM
Author: Pushin40
OK I am totally gettiing off topic....but Turboflgrl _ GOOD FOR YOU! You got it together, girl! You should give some lessons on how to prepare for life.
I wish I was that organized and responsible when I was 25!

I know I''m OT too but thank you Pushin40. We''ve worked so hard to get where we are and sacrificed a lot to be in the position we are at now. Just wanted to say thank you for the sweet comments!

 

[trillionaire]

For many of us, marriage isn't this thing that is going to suddenly validate our lives or relationships, but rather something that happens along the road of life. I always wanted to marry at some point, but it was never a pressing priority, nor anything I would have considered before age 27 (despite meeting FI at age 17, and dating from age 20). My fiance has pretty much always known he wanted to marry me, even when I was less than sure, and less than capable of discussing such serious matters, but along the way, we have spent 6 incredible years together, and we have an amazing relationship that is easy and loving, and more of a partnership on a journey than a countdown to engagement or marriage. The last time I got mad at him and slept on the couch, he slept on the papasan chair across from me, because he says that 'we're a family, and the family should be together.' I woke up this morning to breakfast in bed, and before I went to sleep tonight, he covered me in 101 kisses. I do think it's ideal for two people to be on the same page, but that's not always the reality of life, and some of the same people who are complaining about their men dragging their feet will later cherish the many years and memories that they have created together. As thrilled as some people may be that they didn't have to wait long before getting married, I would not trade for the world the road we have travelled together, the common experiences, friends, the growth, the depth of intimacy that comes with years and years of being with the same person. And I feel far more confident and secure in our relationship now than I ever could have 5 years ago. I know that putting on weight, losing a job, and 1,000 other life events don't change how we feel, and that we are still madly in love and chasing each other around like we just met. Honeymoon phase be damned

 

[Patchee]

MS. Rapture wrote:

SO & I are ring shopping, and, like LilyKat, we will most likely be engaged within a year of dating. We're both grown ups with jobs who have discussed our life goals and each know what we want, and want to spend our lives together.


But, Ms Rapture you ARE NOT engaged yet so your "most likely" in a year of dating could lead up to 5 years of dating before you, yourself are engaged. I don't think you can post this thread unless you have been dating in your standards of 1-2 years, engaged and planning a wedding. You are not.

I dated my HUSBAND for 5.5 years, we are married 6 months. We are both professional adults in early-late 30's, we lived together for 4 of those "dating" years, we have money etc. WHY you ask did we "hold out" so long? Well, why not get to truly know the one your with? Why not know all of the in's and outs of the person you *think* at the time you want to spend your life with? Why should engagement be rushed when your 110% completly happy with the way your life is with him today/tomorrow/now?

For those who have a rush rush mind (like your posts states you do, not only for you but for others) then you will end up with a rush righ marriage and for sure a rush rush divorce. There are people on here that date for 6 months and have been married for 15 years now. There are people who have dated for 8 years and married for 20 years and of course the reverse of 6 months = divorce, 8 years = he's just not that in to you! Get it?

You are not engaged. It may not happen for you. You might be in your relationship for years and years before he proposes ... if he does. Where do you get off starting this thread when it could be you on the other end? Then what come back here with a sorry PS-ers?

 

[KatM]

I see it as a process. Yes, I do want to
get married, but what''s wrong with enjoying the journey? We''ve been through quite a bit together, and honestly I think dating is really great. We get to do plenty of fun stuff, but also don''t have toconsult on the trickier stuff too. I don''t have to check with him before I goon vacation. He doesn''t have to check with me before hebuys a huge tv. I can see himwhen I''m in a good mood, and I can be left alone when I''m grouchy. I definitely want to marry him, and sometimes I do get impatient, but I really believe that there is something to be said for enjoying each step of the way. Once married, we can''t go back to ''just'' dating, so why not get as much out of it as I can?

Also, while we may be in our later 20s, he has suddenly begun to mature much faster and I honestly don''t want to do anything to interrupt this process. I can see him transforming from a guy to a man (and doing it on his own!) and it''s exciting for both of us. He informed me just last week, "I''m trying to communicate," and he is becoming sincerely interested in the general upkeep of his apartment. Why not let that continue?

 

[tannet]

I have to throw this question out there...are you in a relationship just to get married? Why does being married, and how long it takes, matter so much? If you and your SO are happy, love each other unconditionally and committed to each other, why does a legal document and a set of rings change any of that? I understand if there is religion behind the reasons for marriage, but for those of you who are not doing it for religious reasons...tell me...why is it so important to you?

The reason I ask this is because I wondered about it for a long time. It also took a long time for me to figure out my answer to that question. Sadly, I have to admit I''m a victim of social pressures and brainwashing. Yes, I said it...I have been brainwashed, like many other women in this world, to believe that marriage is a must. Religious groups, media, pop culture, politics...they all teach us from an early early age that this is what we''re supposed to do and women who don''t find themselves with a marriage proposal within a specific timeline find themselves feeling cheated or taken advantage of, or worst of all, unworthy. This is what we call "conditioning" and we are all victims of it. I know this may sound bizarre to some of you (some may even agree with me) but take a look at who benefits from this tradition. Corporations benefit, and any time big time corporations see a potential to make big money...they will use their marketing tactics in full force so they can reap the benefits. The wedding industry is huge!

Anyway, I''ve come to realize where my desire for marriage roots from but it doesn''t mean I don''t want to get married. I do and I will...but it''s because of this conditioning I''ve been subjected to my entire life. Although I realize this, it doesn''t make it easy for me to undo my feelings/brainwashing. My solution to my new-found understanding is to have what I''ve always wanted, regardless of the brainwashing, but have a small private or destination wedding requiring a significantly lower budget than the average wedding.

What are you thoughts on this? How can we stop childhood conditioning? I''m interested in how others feel about this topic....

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 1/20/2010 2:11:31 AM
Author: tannet
I have to throw this question out there...are you in a relationship just to get married? Why does being married, and how long it takes, matter so much? If you and your SO are happy, love each other unconditionally and committed to each other, why does a legal document and a set of rings change any of that? I understand if there is religion behind the reasons for marriage, but for those of you who are not doing it for religious reasons...tell me...why is it so important to you?

The reason I ask this is because I wondered about it for a long time. It also took a long time for me to figure out my answer to that question. Sadly, I have to admit I''m a victim of social pressures and brainwashing. Yes, I said it...I have been brainwashed, like many other women in this world, to believe that marriage is a must. Religious groups, media, pop culture, politics...they all teach us from an early early age that this is what we''re supposed to do and women who don''t find themselves with a marriage proposal within a specific timeline find themselves feeling cheated or taken advantage of, or worst of all, unworthy. This is what we call ''conditioning'' and we are all victims of it. I know this may sound bizarre to some of you (some may even agree with me) but take a look at who benefits from this tradition. Corporations benefit, and any time big time corporations see a potential to make big money...they will use their marketing tactics in full force so they can reap the benefits. The wedding industry is huge!

Anyway, I''ve come to realize where my desire for marriage roots from but it doesn''t mean I don''t want to get married. I do and I will...but it''s because of this conditioning I''ve been subjected to my entire life. Although I realize this, it doesn''t make it easy for me to undo my feelings/brainwashing. My solution to my new-found understanding is to have what I''ve always wanted, regardless of the brainwashing, but have a small private or destination wedding requiring a significantly lower budget than the average wedding.

What are you thoughts on this? How can we stop childhood conditioning? I''m interested in how others feel about this topic....

there are other benefits to marriage, such as love and support, a stable family for children, dual income household to protect yourselves from economic swings, etc. Are we socialized to want to get married? Sure. But it doesn''t effect everyone in the same way. My FI and I are having a private ceremony because that is what makes sense for us, but your post ignores the fact that people enjoy coming together to celebrate marriage and unions. Yes, the wedding industrial complex pushes it over the top, but when people starting inviting 200 people to a big party, it''s going to cost money naturally. Socially, marriage has been a big deal since forever in cultures all over the world, not just the US (not sure where you are from). If anything, the pressures are lessening, not getting worse.

 

[vespergirl]

Interesting post. I was a big believer in "The Rules," and I was engaged 3 times between the ages of 22 - 29. I had a two year rule, that I would stay with someone that long, but if they weren't ready to commit after that, I would move on to someone with more similar goals.

The first two relationships didn't work out, but the first proposal came after a year of dating, and the second came after a year and a half of dating.

My third engagement to my husband took the longest (almost 2 years after we met) and was frustrating for me, but I think it's because my DH really wanted to put tons of time and thought into our situation before proposing. It was frustrating, though, because only 5 months after we started dating, he showed up at my apartment unexpected one night proclaiming that he was so in love with me, and that I was the woman that he wanted to marry, and that he would marry me someday. I was a little suprised but delighted to hear that after only 5 months of dating, and I figured that he would propose after we had been together for about a year.

However, a year came and went with no proposal, and I started to get upset about the situation. I don't think that I would have minded except that he was the one who originally put marriage on the table, and still said that he wanted to get married, but wasn't ready to yet, because he was about to go back to school for his MBA, and wanted to try to complete that before we got married. Also, I was very against us living together before getting engaged, but he said that he could not get engaged to someone that he had never lived with. So, despite my better judgment, we moved in together, and after we had been living together for several months with still no proposal, I secretly started making plans to get my own place again once our lease was up if he hadn't proposed yet (at that point we would have been together for just slightly over 2 years). I still would have continued to date DH if he wanted to after I moved out, but I was about to turn 30 and didn't want to limit my options to one guy that still claimed he wanted to get married, but wouldn't propose. I didn't say anything to him, though, because I decided this in March, and our lease wasn't up until August - I figured I would just tell him about it in July. I didn't want to give him an ultimatum or pressure him to propose - I just wanted to show him that I was going to take control of my life path, and if he wasn't ready after more than two years together to commit, then I didn't want to wait any more.

Well, life threw us a hell of a surprise a month later that April, when I found out that I had unexpectedly become pregnant, despite the fact that we always used contraception. I was a little freaked out because it wasn't something that we planned, and I didn't know yet what I wanted to do, but when I told DH, he was ecstatic, just over the moon. He immediately proposed, and wanted to take me ring shopping the next day. I told him that I didn't want to get married because I was pregnant, and I didn't want him to feel like he had to propose just because I was pregnant. I didn't want to have that kind of marriage. He then confessed that he had been planning to propose all along, and he thought that our "miraculous" conception happened as a sign from fate that he was going to lose me if he didn't get off his duff and propose (he had no idea that I was planning to move out once our lease was up if there was no proposal by then). He said that he really had planned to propose that year, but as a single guy set in his ways (he was about to turn 35) he was hesitant because none of his friends were married yet and he was nervous, etc. But, he was so excited about the baby, and us being a family - he said that he always wanted to marry me, and have a family with me. Of course I had wanted us to get married too, and even though things had been far more accelerated than I had planned (we had a tiny destination wedding in Bermuda 7 weeks later, and a baby 6 months after that) we have been very happily married now for almost 4 years, and I am about to have our second baby this spring.

So, who really knows what would have happened if I hadn't gotten pregnant, but he insists that he was planning to propose for my 30th birthday that summer, and I believe him. Plus, the fact that we have such a happy marriage proves to me that we truly were meant to be together.

But, overall, I am very much in favor of women controlling their own destinies, and not just waiting around for a proposal. I think that if a woman is unhappy in a relationship while waiting for a proposal, there's nothing wrong with moving out, or dating other people if you feel like you've waited long enough. That will either make the guy realize what he's missing & propose, or if he doesn't, then you will be free to meet the right person for you, who is ready to commit.